johnkra-30796

Even with the able assist from Rifftrax I still struggled to get through this dung heap. Bearing in mind that Ouija Shark is only slightly north of 60 minutes long.

Trying to figure out why these garbage home movies get made in the first place is the only real takeaway here. Who is actually spending money to make movies that could be used in Guantanamo Bay to replace water boarding?

Ouija Shark is a failure on every level. It's not funny, it's not clever, it's not even so bad it's good.

The dopes who made Ouija Shark probably think they're winking at the audience or something. Or maybe they're not, it's impossible to tell. The attempt at political satire at the end is actually embarrassing to watch. But I'm sure they thought it was real clever.

The whole genre of over the top exotic animal related horror / comedy / whatever was played out a loooong time ago. And here we are with a ghost shark chasing around 30 year old teenagers. Wow, what a knee slapper. Apparently Canada hasn't gotten the memo which is par for the course.

I'm a hopeless history nerd but this one somehow managed to fly under my radar. I wish I had seen this film as a kid but better late than never. I stumbled across it on YouTube and was at first slightly perplexed by its origin. Apparently in 1989 the Mormon college Brigham Young University produced a two hour movie about the drafting and ratification of the Constitution. And it stars the guy from Brian De Palma's Body Double (of all movies) as James Madison. Huh...well okay then. But to my surprise "A More Perfect Union" not only works as a great educational tool - it's also a well made dramatization. It's an admirable example of the quality that can be found in films of high concept despite low budget. I watched the whole film in one sitting and I was glued to it. The United States truly had some stone cold geniuses as its architects. I was genuinely touched by how well "A More Perfect Union" tells the story of our nation in its becoming.

So this is the much vaunted Edge of Darkness? The classic British miniseries that so perfectly captured the essence of fear and horror that permeated Margaret Thatcher's reign of darkness. You know, because the UK wasn't in total decline before she became PM. Apparently everything bad starts when conservatives are calling the shots. Anyway, I was perfectly willing to set my own dumb politics aside and enjoy this allegedly brilliant conspiracy / thriller. Bob Peck was a very fine actor (RIP) and Martin Campbell knows his way around a camera...let the entertainment begin! Unfortunately right off the bat, Edge of Darkness starts throwing up red flags. Peck plays a cop who clearly has a tense relationship with his less than scrupulous superiors...okay, good stuff. He stops by the local college to give his communist daughter a ride home from her environmental activists meeting. It's the type of group where people actually refer to each other unironically as "comrade." Uh huh, unintentional self parody, that's alright. The way father and daughter interact on the ride home is what first raised my eyebrow. These two talk about sex in a way that had me rewinding to make sure this wasn't Peck's girlfriend. Something isn't quite right here. Well, before too much thought about it can occur, comrade daughter is murdered and the father is left emotionally shattered. Pretty harrowing stuff. We soon find Peck going through his daughter's room and her personal possessions. I'm primed ready for some emotionally poignancy. Grief stricken he opens a drawer and finds some strange electronic device...he's puzzled, so am I. Could that be a Geiger counter? Please show me more!

In her bedside table he finds a pistol. This should be the most shocking moment of this scene. What exactly was his daughter mixed up in? Well, that shock is blunted by what he finds just before the gun. The father finds her vibrator, holds it up, looks at it wistfully, and kisses it before putting it back. Yes, you read correctly. At first I thought I was having an acid flashback. But no such luck. I kept watching for another twenty minutes or so but I was done. This dude's relationship with his daughter is clearly somewhere south of normal. Peck's character also has a few memories / visions of his daughter that would lead any reasonable person to the same conclusion. It's really sickening. But the show just glosses over this crap like "nothing to see here." Yeah, thanks BBC, I'll have to survive without watching this "classic." YUUCK.