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This film can only be enjoyed by those people who can easily suspend their disbelief and without question lap up the talent-free films served up by Bollywood directors and actors. The likes of Shahrukh Khan and Kajol are worshipped by millions, yet I honestly cannot detect any signs of acting prowess or versatility.

So the main family lives in a huge mansion, gets around by private helicopter and have a fleet of Jaguar convertibles and Ferarris at their disposal. Hmmm, I can really identify with these guys. Even though in the story, this mansion is supposed to be in India, it is clearly in the UK. Amitabh Bachchan's "Indian" office is clearly Canary Wharf in London! The helicopters in India have British registrations! I mean, the directors must assume all viewers are in a vegetative state not to notice! As usual, the acting, especially from Shahrukh Khan, is way over the top and unrealistic. The way that these people behave just seems so divorced from real life, you soon start wondering whether they are aliens from the planet Jupiter.

I know that people argue that Bollywood films are a means of escapism for the many millions in India. But if other countries like China, Iran, South Korea and Argentina can make films that have a realistic message and which many more people can relate to, why cannot the Indian film industry?

Ever since seeing this film I have a new purpose in life – to drag this film through the mud whenever I can.

There are some people in this world who think that if a film is not mainstream, then it automatically attains some sort of elevated artistic status and can only be appreciated by those with a higher intelligence (even though they secretly enjoyed Die Hard 4 much more). Old Joy is one of these films that carries this incredible pretension to the limit.

At the same time, I am not one of those people whose sole idea of a good film is restricted to the typical Hollywood blockbusters. I love a film that invites me to think, rather than just forget about as soon as the credits start rolling.

However, in my opinion, Old Joy was more brain-dead than anything that Michael Bay has inflicted upon the world. Please do not mistake lack of action and dialogue, coupled with lingering shots of leaves and water, as the hallmarks of an intelligent film.

Before watching this film, I was perhaps expecting a more melancholic version of Sideways or an American version of Mike Leigh's classic camping farce, Nuts in May. Instead, Old Joy was just a more boring version of the old BBC testcard, where the little girl is playing noughts and crosses.

The director also seems to have some sort of Volvo fetish, as the camera spends an inordinate amount of time in an old Volvo estate, treating the viewer to a good examination of the dashboard design. I have a Volvo and I love it, but I don't wish to spend my free time looking at one in a film.

I am sorry, but I have to rank this film as the worst I have seen. In fact, due to its terribleness, I am actually thinking of buying it on DVD and then, whenever I have a bad day, to come home and mercilessly kick it around the house. But that would still involve putting some of own money into the pockets of the criminals who were responsible for this travesty and I cannot stomach the thought of that. Perhaps instead some photo printouts of the director and the 2 actors, to be kept in the bathroom for when the toilet paper runs out.