flurry-79022
Joined Oct 2021
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Ratings77
flurry-79022's rating
Reviews56
flurry-79022's rating
I fired this up with popcorn in hand, lights dimmed, subwoofer humming like a drop pod was landing in my living room - ready for some classic Predator mayhem.
What I got instead was Predator: Slide Show Edition™. I swear I've seen smoother animation on a potato running Windows 95 with a Matrox Mystique card and 8MB of shared RAM.
The opening scene had all the tension of watching a JPEG download over dial-up. Predator jumps down from a tree? Nope - he just kind of appears three feet lower after dropping four visible frames. It's like watching a PowerPoint presentation directed by Michael Bay.
Now don't get me wrong - I'm sure the story is there, buried somewhere behind those missing frames like a lost VHS tape behind the couch. But I couldn't stick around long enough to find out. My retinas were screaming, my brain was buffering, and I genuinely started wondering if my TV was broken. (It wasn't. I switched to Shrek 2 to check. Flawless 60fps ogre glory.)
Listen, I animated in bounding box mode on an Amiga 4000. I rendered frame-by-frame over Screamernet until the sun came up. I know what jank looks like. And this... this is a next-gen mess pretending to be cinematic. I wouldn't wish this framerate on a demo group from 1989.
If your idea of a Predator movie is watching him teleport between frozen keyframes like a corrupted .GIF, congratulations - this is your masterpiece. For the rest of us with working optic nerves and standards formed by actual animation principles: avoid. Just avoid.
What I got instead was Predator: Slide Show Edition™. I swear I've seen smoother animation on a potato running Windows 95 with a Matrox Mystique card and 8MB of shared RAM.
The opening scene had all the tension of watching a JPEG download over dial-up. Predator jumps down from a tree? Nope - he just kind of appears three feet lower after dropping four visible frames. It's like watching a PowerPoint presentation directed by Michael Bay.
Now don't get me wrong - I'm sure the story is there, buried somewhere behind those missing frames like a lost VHS tape behind the couch. But I couldn't stick around long enough to find out. My retinas were screaming, my brain was buffering, and I genuinely started wondering if my TV was broken. (It wasn't. I switched to Shrek 2 to check. Flawless 60fps ogre glory.)
Listen, I animated in bounding box mode on an Amiga 4000. I rendered frame-by-frame over Screamernet until the sun came up. I know what jank looks like. And this... this is a next-gen mess pretending to be cinematic. I wouldn't wish this framerate on a demo group from 1989.
If your idea of a Predator movie is watching him teleport between frozen keyframes like a corrupted .GIF, congratulations - this is your masterpiece. For the rest of us with working optic nerves and standards formed by actual animation principles: avoid. Just avoid.