CheyenneWY's Reviews

Them (IV) (2021)

2/10

23 October 2023

... if The Matrix had been written/directed/produced by a sixth grader for a school project, financed by his earnings from a newspaper delivery route.

At least half of it can be skipped because it's just the camera showing the same skyline over and over. Of the rest, most can be skipped because the actors are just repeating the same monosyllabic responses over and over.

Normally I hate narrative exposition or supertitles that explain the plot, but here anything would be better than scene after unrelated scene in random chronological order without any explanation whatsoever.

I'm about 80% through it and the only reason I lasted this long was that I feel compelled to watch a train wreck once it starts. This, friends, is a cinematic train wreck.

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UFO Cowboys (2023– )

3/10

A stunt actor was one of the "cowboys"

22 September 2023

Warning: Spoilers

That's all you need to know right there. Check out Ora Brown's credits. Of course if you have half a brain you know it's all urban legend anyway, but judging from the few positive reviews it's clear some people take this stuff seriously.

If you enjoyed X-Files and you enjoyed The Blair Witch Project, you'll enjoy this. Stop thinking of it as a reality show and understand it's just another sci-fi show (but with cowboys!) and you'll be fine.

I watched all 8 episodes in a little over an hour, because 75% of it is recap from previous episodes. You can probably just watch the first episode to establish the characters and then the last 5 minutes of each remaining episode for the inevitable cliffhangers, and you'll be able to follow along without missing anything.

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe and other science facts, just repeat to yourself: "It's just a show, I should really just relax" - with Mystery Cowboy Theater 2023.

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Mind Blown (2016 TV Movie)

3/10

Not the worst thing I've ever seen on Amazon Prime

27 August 2023

Warning: Spoilers

But that's setting a low bar considering how many got 1 or 2 stars, and some only because they don't allow 0 or -1. So a 3 is actually better than this effort deserves.

The 3 only comes from the fact that it's an intriguing, if frequently overused, premise (hint: Firestarter).k

The acting was wooden, the production values nonexistent - others have already noted the news reporter breathlessly mentioning "the extreme devastation behind me" and "many people rushed to ambulances" on a hilariously serene and undamaged set.

So many plot holes. Why did our heroes just stand there aghast when the pyro set their friend on fire? If only she had someone who could form a shield to protect her, and amplify her powers. But no, they just stood there staring. Why couldn't the seer, who evidently had mind control powers, just will every baddie into compliance? Why didn't she see in advance that the wrong area was targeted? How did she end up getting crushed by a tree? And when she did, why didn't the tree falling on her cause any physical damage? Why was she so callous about blowing away her friends who didn't understand that she was not the enemy?

If you have nothing at all better in your queue to watch, go ahead... but be prepared to fast-forward through the worst of it (so... about 75% that you can skip).

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Room (I) (2015)

9/10

This hurts to watch but watch it anyway

14 July 2023

In my family, there is a strict moratorium on films that feature child endangerment. Watch it anyway.

Let me be clear, I tend to mock that moratorium because I consider myself a rationalist. I can create a willful suspension of disbelief so can full immerse myself into a story. Even knowing this, and only vaguely aware that the story is very loosely based on the real-world "Fritzi" case, this movie completely undid me.

I am serious. I laugh off the most horrific scenes. And here I am, reduced to tears just thinking back on the last two hours. My soul bleeds for fictional characters who may or may not have existed in the real world.

For all the hokey, emotionally manipulative tropes you could ever hope to encounter, I am still undone. Watch this now, but keep a box of tissues nearby.

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There's Something Wrong with the Children (2023)

2/10

Not even worth it for free

3 July 2023

I thought this would be a nice way to kill a couple of hours while I wait for dinner to digest before I go to bed. Instead it was up there on a par with "Manos: Hands of Fate" for worst horror movie ever. There were even numerous similarities. I fast-forwarded through the boring scenes, leaving me with perhaps 20 minutes of scenes that actually moved the plot along. It's like a freshman film production project financed on the producer's newspaper route income, only the project received a failing grade.

Do not under any circumstances spend any money or credits watching this movie. Even if you skip the 75% boring parts like I did, you'll find yourself wondering why anyone in the real world would make the choices these characters did.

Awful. Awful. Awful. I'm going to hurl myself into "the place that shines" now.

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Democrazy (2005 Video)

1/10

Worst film in the universe

10 May 2018

I enjoy low-budget, amateur film projects. Really, I do. If this had been a high school class project I would have congratulated the kids on a good first effort using only their cell phone cameras for recording equipment and MS-PAINT for video effects.

But it's not that good. I can't begin to imagine what they spent their $5,000 budget on. Parking tickets? Admission to the planetarium?

It's too late for me, but you can still save yourself. If you accidentally ordered this, send it back unopened. Sue the vendor for psychological trauma. But above all, do not watch this under any circumstances.

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The Road to Hong Kong (1962)

The Road to Obsolescence

29 December 2003

Someone remarked that the boys in their 60's were too old to be on adventures, and should be in retirement homes instead. I would hate to be that person's parents if he/she believes that people in their 60's belong in retirement homes! You're never too old for goofy adventures.

As it happens, H&C were 59 when they did this final Road picture, and it was definitely not their best work. The plot is even thinner than previous farces without the superb timing and camaraderie we associate with the two.

Far sadder is the way they ditched their witty and lovely partner Dorothy Lamour for a girl half their age; Joan Collins was 29 when she scampered around with the pair. This is a painful mirror of our society's tacit approval for older men to dump their wives for a younger model.

By far the funniest scene features Peter Sellers as a ditzy neurologist.

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