groucho3710's reviews

What do you think when you hear the term "reality show"? Does it mean dirty, gritty, hard to watch? Surviving on a Pacific island? Someone following people around 24 hours a day with a hand-held camera, recording every yawn, belch, and insult? People diving off skyscrapers attached to a bungee cord? It can also mean just watching a family going about the business of being a family, and staying a family, in spite of the fact that not everybody shares everybody else's DNA. It means Erich Segal was wrong as hell, because sometimes love does indeed mean having to say you're sorry, and then prove it, because your family's future depends on it.

So sometimes the show lives up to the commercials, and everything's light and airy, and they're having parties for Hollywood royalty, and the only one who's disaffected by the process is three-year-old Maya, who for once isn't the center of attention. And sometimes we see a different side of the fairytale life, the side that has ogres and demons in it, and maybe Prince Charming wasn't always so charming after all. Sometimes we see magical reality, the big house on the hill, California sunshine and lots of love. And then there's a storm and a mudslide, and reality intrudes on perfection.

Are they aware that there's an intruder in the house, a guy with a camera who shouldn't be there, and usually isn't, but there he is? Of course. Does that make a difference? How could it not? It's like Heisenberg's principle in physics—being observed changes the object being observed. But does that mean it isn't reality? Of course not. You can bet your life no one has yet said, "Okay, Celeste, take it from the top and this time, cry a little louder!" (She's one year old.) You can tell kids, dogs, and cats to be on their best behavior, but you still hold your breath while the camera's on them. They're all beautiful, to be sure, but all the halos are a bit tilted. So are Mom and Dad's. And that's where the reality comes in. Yeah, Dad gets to do romantic things like go off to work on a movie, but when he's home, he's got his "honey do" list just like all other dads, and just when he's stretched out on the couch to enjoy a well-intentioned but probably not very expert foot rub from one of the kids, he hears his name being called, and he gets that "omigod" look in his eyes. One more chore to do before he can collapse. Find a husband who can't identify with that one. Or a wife who hasn't been disappointed by Mr. Right. Maybe there were times when the Van Diens felt like they'd dived off a skyscraper, and both of them wondered if the safety line would hold.

It's the best of both worlds, reality and fantasy, beautiful people with some not-so-beautiful problems. It's the offspring of three different relationships trying to mold themselves into one family. It's two people trying to guide a fairytale romance through the inevitable clash with reality so it will come out intact and functioning on the other side. Sometimes it's hard to watch (because of the subject material), sometimes it's fun, but they're an engaging bunch and it's an entertaining hour.

There seems to be a craze to make movies from original sources such as comic books and even video games, and some of them have been quite successful. So I really wondered if a movie called Road Rage was going to resemble those noisy theater lobby games where hyped up virtual cars go flying madly around a screen moving faster than warp speed, to the accompaniment of blasting rock music, and how long they could keep it up anyway. The answer is, it did resemble the games, and they kept it up for about 100 minutes of really harrowing chases interspersed with just enough character exposition to keep you wanting to stick another quarter in the slot so the game wouldn't stop.

The plot was rudimentary and the characters rather sketchy, but somehow I found myself really getting into the chase, wincing as I watched careening cars, exploding fireballs and demolished structures, and wondering if we were ever going to see behind the darkened windows of the demon truck, and just who was going to survive the mayhem. It didn't take long to get to the point where I want to see the Neanderthalean Bo get squished between a rock and hard place, or bus and mountainside, or whatever current obstacle course was being presented, but this wasn't entirely Luke & Leia vs. Darth and the Dark Hordes. The rescued Sonia could be a mouthy and irritating, and Jim wasn't ready to roll over on his back and surrender to the alpha wolf before doing a little stunt driving himself, after which he shouted in a burst of testosterone-fueled glee, 'I'm the man!' As Sonia rightly pointed out, there was a certain amount of just plain old Y-chromosomal orneriness in both hunter and prey, and she wasn't always certain she wanted anything to do with any of it. Not until one of them tried to shoot her, at any rate. That pushed her over the edge; she not only cried and screamed, she retaliated.

The characters' reactions may not always seem consistent or credible, but on the other hand, do we really know how we would react in a situation like this? Sometimes the surprising reaction to being scared witless is to make a stupid joke; then we might shift into defiance, or cry, or throw up-terror manifests in myriad ways. The ending was reminiscent of Speed, with one creepy difference-the last spoken word in the movie. Were we supposed to be left with a feeling that perhaps Fate had engineered a minor tragedy here, that this wasn't just a couple of simians acting out 'the same old story, a fight for love and glory'? Nah. Couldn't be. It was just a fleshed-out video game. Wasn't it?

Anyone who has rented more than two videos knows that you can't always rely on the words on the back of the box to give you an accurate description of the movie within. So this time you'll get a nice surprise. This is not a big splashy movie. There is one short, funny chase, but no car chases, and although there are a few guns in evidence, no one comes anywhere near getting shot. This is what you might call a relationship movie, moved along by scenes involving lovers who may (or may not) be separated by deception, a parent and child trying to patch up a, well, patchy relationship before it's too late, and old friends just trying to survive in a world they've almost outlived. The cast works well together and makes you hope that everything will turn out well for all of these characters.

Casper Van Dien as the writer turned repo man turns in a performance that is smooth, funny, sexy, charming, and even subtle. Johnny Rico a romantic quoting Swinburne? Tarzan writing poetry? Well, yes. It works. Bobby Moritz may have a slick side, but you believe that he can be redeemed by love. Back To The Future's wild-eyed crazy man as a cranky but toned-down and ultimately lovable retired rock star? Well, yes again. After all, he's dying, he's not supposed to have the nutty professor's manic energy and purpose, and Christopher Lloyd shows that he has more gears than over-the-top. Roger Daltrey is almost unrecognizable, but still likable, as a seventies leftover who has neither cut his hair nor lost his talent-or stopped drinking-and Lauren Graham as the woman Bobby may (or may not) be destined to love forever plays sassy but vulnerable very well. The only scenes that are funny are the ones that are supposed to be, everything moves right along, you can actually care about the fate of the characters, and the ending jam session is a blast. A charming and funny love story-just like the box says.

Modern Vampires is the tale of a crew of ghastlies enjoying the night life of L.A. in relative obscurity until someone goes on a killing rampage which brings them to the attention of the local police, as well as the local don, Count Dracula, who likes discretion so much that he even has a special cleaning service for messy vampires. That tells you something about how seriously this movie takes itself. Who's doing the killing, why, and what to do about her (yes, her) is the basis of the plot. A parallel plot involves Dr. Van Helsing on another of his famous vampire hunts, so the predatory vampiress is triply threatened.

This is not an easy film to characterize. It's about vampires, yes, but they're not so much scary in the traditional sense of Lugosi and Lee as they are just kind of creepy and weird, and as disgusting as they are terrifying. They turn their victims into human sodas to be drunk in underground nightclubs They transform into gargoyle like creatures that seem to have more in common with modern sfx-driven horror movies than the original vampire legend. And for God's sake don't ever make love to one of them. That too has taken on new and dire consequences.

The film also explores the notion of degrees of vampiric evil (no surprise to any Buffy fan). Casper Van Dien's character Dallas has made two vampires to save them from unhappy fates, so humans are obviously something more than just food to him. These vampires have all kinds of family arrangements, from mafia like to almost normal human variety. There is even one who is eternally pregnant, a bizarre state of affairs surpassing even Ann Rice's child vampire Claudia, whose role, to some extent, is played by the (s)punky young vampire portrayed by Natasha Wagner. Although physically mature, she is an emotional child who gives a whole new meaning to the phrase 'instant gratification.' And Van Helsing himself, a reputed Nazi collaborator, may not be a paragon of virtue. So nothing is quite black and white in the undead underworld of Los Angeles.

If you simply have to see every vampire movie ever made, you must see this as well. If you're a fan of Casper Van Dien or Rod Steiger, they're protagonist and nemesis, and you shouldn't miss the chase. Van Dien manages to look good even in fangs, which these particular bloodsuckers sport 24/7 and have to talk around as well as sometimes explain to the curious. If you're fascinated by show business dynasties, catch it for Natasha Gregson Wagner, who is at times eerily reminiscent of her mother Natalie Wood. Just be warned-everything in this movie is a bit overdone. The comedy becomes slapstick, some scenes are more disgusting than truly horrible, and the sex is approached as either grotesque or tongue-in-cheek, or occasionally fang in neck. They even throw in a bit of Lesbian activity, but the most interesting scenes involve Van Dien and Wagner-as visually arresting a couple as you'll ever find anywhere-who, before the movie ends, have managed to swap almost every bodily fluid imaginable.

MV can't decide if it's horror, comedy, romance or satire, and so mostly falls short of being really satisfying in any category, but it delivers some characters who can be fun to watch, notably Van Dien and Wagner as the young (in vampire terms) lovers fleeing the old vampire patriarch whose will they have defied. Rod Steiger looks and acts like a cross between Uncle Fester and the decrepit Van Helsing portrayed by Olivier in Dracula 79. And sometimes you just have to laugh at the homeboys who receive The Dark Gift like it was an STD, almost a satiric comment on AIDS stood on its head: this infection lets you live forever, if you don't mind being a homicidal maniac for the rest of your unnatural life.

To enjoy MV, you just have to turn off your critical faculties, pass the beer and pizza, and take it for what it is.

Anyone who has rented more than two videos knows that you can't always rely on the words on the back of the box to give you an accurate description of the movie within. So this time you'll get a nice surprise. This is not a big splashy movie. There is one short, funny chase, but no car chases, and although there are a few guns in evidence, no one comes anywhere near getting shot. This is what you might call a relationship movie, moved along by scenes involving lovers who may (or may not) be separated by deception, a parent and child trying to patch up a, well, patchy relationship before it's too late, and old friends just trying to survive in a world they've almost outlived. The cast works well together and makes you hope that everything will turn out well for all of these characters. Casper Van Dien as the writer turned repo man turns in a performance that is smooth, funny, sexy, charming, and even subtle. Johnny Rico a romantic quoting Swinburne? Tarzan writing poetry? Well, yes. It works. Bobby Moritz may have a slick side, but you believe that he can be redeemed by love. Back To The Future's wild-eyed crazy man as a cranky but toned-down and ultimately lovable retired rock star? Well, yes again. After all, he's dying, he's not supposed to have the nutty professor's manic energy and purpose, and Christopher Lloyd shows that he has more gears than over-the-top. Roger Daltrey is almost unrecognizable, but still likable, as a seventies leftover who has neither cut his hair nor lost his talent-or stopped drinking-and Lauren Graham as the woman Bobby may (or may not) be destined to love forever plays sassy but vulnerable very well. The only scenes that are funny are the ones that are supposed to be, everything moves right along, you can actually care about the fate of the characters, and the ending jam session is a blast. A charming and funny love story-just like the box says.

The Collectors is an unassuming but interesting movie that has a little bit of everything-cops, killers, shootouts, buddies, comedy, and love (both requited and –un). The plot revolves around two semi-unsavory characters, Ray and A.K., who collect unpaid mob debts, and when they can't, heads may roll. But somehow we never really feel much menace from these guys, who are played for sympathy by Casper Van Dien and Rick Fox.

Van Dien's A.K. in particular, who at times projects an almost childlike likableness, would really like to get out of this risky business and be law-abiding, if he could afford to, but he won't leave his partner, who still feels loyalty to the boss who rescued him from the streets. And A.K. would really like to see his buddy settle down and marry his girlfriend Lyla, a beautiful hooker who is also caught in a no-win, no-way-out profession. Ray is a master of rationalization who neatly compartmentalizes his life, in fact occasionally seeing his job as being a way to improve the world by ridding it of scum. A.K. is just getting tired of it all, but he does make a moral distinction between killing a pimp who murdered a very young prostitute and killing debtors for late payment. Perhaps one last job, and taking one big chance involving deception and theft, will enable them to run, hide, and start over.

Will Ray and Lyla escape their sordid lives and find true love? Will A.K. ever get through to the beautiful cop (Catherine Oxenberg) who's been pursuing him so long, but who, he's convinced, is really attracted to him or she would have killed him by now? Is it love, bad luck or bad aim? We suspect but don't find out until the end of the movie, where we get a couple of surprises.

Van Dien fans will especially love the rooftop scene where A.K., watching Ray and Lyla share a tender moment, fantasizes about doing the same with Lt. Bailey. With hindsight, we know we're watching Van Dien and Oxenberg falling in love right before our eyes.

By some accounts, The Collectors contains ad libbed material that made the cut. Perhaps that's why the main characters seem so natural and likable-it's like watching Butch and Sundance do NYC, but we hope they'll meet a kinder fate. Rent it and see.