cptnhook13
Joined Sep 2004
Welcome to the new profile
Our updates are still in development. While the previous version of the profile is no longer accessible, we're actively working on improvements, and some of the missing features will be returning soon! Stay tuned for their return. In the meantime, the Ratings Analysis is still available on our iOS and Android apps, found on the profile page. To view your Rating Distribution(s) by Year and Genre, please refer to our new Help guide.
Badges2
To learn how to earn badges, go to the badges help page.
Reviews8
cptnhook13's rating
Wow. This rancid trough of gruel may be the worst movie EVER made. Let's get right to the checklist of goods:
Divorced couple/failure father/mom with new rich boyfriend/torn kids? check.
Indian that constantly says "my friend" and "sir?" check.
African-American stoic President? check.
Smug, smarmy, fat, know it all, government guy? check.
Secret so big that it couldn't possibly be kept a secret? check.
Crazy wacky mad genius living in the woods? check.
Scientist with a cane and an Einstein accent? check.
Hero that can drive/sail/pilot/commandeer/ride/skate through ANY kind of danger? check.
I have to stop there, because that's just the first 30 minutes - but you get the idea. How this garbage gets a green light, funded, promoted, and made is beyond me. What is worse is that people pay for it - dearly. In this case, your money is the easy part of what you lose; the brain cells destroyed will not be replaced. Awful. Terrible. As punishment, I made myself watch infomercials for 2 hours and 40 minutes - including the Shake Weight, the Sobakawa Buckwheat Pillow, and Gilbert Godfrey's Shoedini over and over again to clear my mind.
I'm considering registering for a Tony Robbins seminar - so I can blow $200 that could otherwise potentially be spent within 100 yards of a movie theater in the next year. I will NOT allow this to happen ever again. This film is that bad.
Divorced couple/failure father/mom with new rich boyfriend/torn kids? check.
Indian that constantly says "my friend" and "sir?" check.
African-American stoic President? check.
Smug, smarmy, fat, know it all, government guy? check.
Secret so big that it couldn't possibly be kept a secret? check.
Crazy wacky mad genius living in the woods? check.
Scientist with a cane and an Einstein accent? check.
Hero that can drive/sail/pilot/commandeer/ride/skate through ANY kind of danger? check.
I have to stop there, because that's just the first 30 minutes - but you get the idea. How this garbage gets a green light, funded, promoted, and made is beyond me. What is worse is that people pay for it - dearly. In this case, your money is the easy part of what you lose; the brain cells destroyed will not be replaced. Awful. Terrible. As punishment, I made myself watch infomercials for 2 hours and 40 minutes - including the Shake Weight, the Sobakawa Buckwheat Pillow, and Gilbert Godfrey's Shoedini over and over again to clear my mind.
I'm considering registering for a Tony Robbins seminar - so I can blow $200 that could otherwise potentially be spent within 100 yards of a movie theater in the next year. I will NOT allow this to happen ever again. This film is that bad.
Quite possibly the most boring "epic" ever envisioned; If you like no dialog, lots of trees, swirling random cameras, trees, grass, silence, and trees, this is the movie for you. It's a mind-numbing 2+ hours that you'll never get back. You might actually hate yourself.
I'm sure the actual story of John Smith and the Native American girl (never called by her name) is somewhat interesting. This version is not. In fact, it's awful.
When I could no longer take it, I killed the DVD and lo an behold - I found 'Under Siege' on the Encore Action channel (for the 47th time this month). Despite being a joke of a movie, it held my interest in a gross kind of way. And it buried 'The New World.'
I'm sure the actual story of John Smith and the Native American girl (never called by her name) is somewhat interesting. This version is not. In fact, it's awful.
When I could no longer take it, I killed the DVD and lo an behold - I found 'Under Siege' on the Encore Action channel (for the 47th time this month). Despite being a joke of a movie, it held my interest in a gross kind of way. And it buried 'The New World.'