mhthehammer

'Cats' by Andrew Lloyd Webber isn't my favorite musical because, while it is visually brilliant and beautifully sung, the story is very light and minimal and the style is very dated. Nevertheless, the show was the longest-running musical from the early 1980's until the late 90's and started the long trend of family-friendly mega-blockbusters on Broadway. Based on a collection of poems by T.S. Eliot, 'Cats' the musical introduces one Jellicle cat, it sings a dynamic number and gets cast aside among the ensemble, rinse and repeat, like fashion models on the runway. As for Cats the movie, Tom Hooper gives an already incoherent narrative a plot so the movie would seem real to the cinematic eye. Victoria the White Cat (Francesca Hayward), who has no dialogue and one dance number in the show, is the main character who goes through a journey, I guess, but barely does anything to earn her Jellicle trophy. Macavity (Idris Elba) has more screen time than the episodic show as the antagonist who kidnaps other Jellicle cats: Asparagus (Ian McKellan), Jennyanydots (Rebel Wilson), Bustopher Jones (James Corden), and Old Deuteronomy (Judi Dench). Lastly, Hooper feeds the script with terrible cat puns on par with the ones from Catwoman and suggests an even worse adlib job from Corden and Wilson. The only redeeming value in Cats the movie is the song soundtrack, performed by giants like Jennifer Hudson and Taylor Swift. Even ballerina Miss Hayward produces a beautiful innocent voice in her feature debut to incorporate with her dancing talents. Beyond that, I'll forgive the hideous humanoid cat special effects, but with the story mixed into an already plotless musical, Cats was a complete mess. (1 ½ Scary CGI Jellicles out of 5)

Holmes & Watson is another comedic take on the iconic mystery series by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. In this movie, Sherlock Holmes (Will Ferrell) and Dr. John Watson (John C. Reilly) are assigned to investigate the perpetrator of Queen Victoria's (Pam Ferris) future death on the Titanic. The murderer is their housekeeper Mrs. Hudson (Kelly Macdonald), who is a descendant of Dr. Moriarty (Ralph Fiennes), but don't expect me to analyze her plan because the movie doesn't care. Holmes & Watson is nothing but a barrage of predictable slapstick, insultingly deadly sexual jokes and painful meandering Victorian versions of modern-day references. Not to mention, there's an out-of-the-blue song sequence written by Alan Menken, who probably cashed his big paycheck for a pension fund and must have been ashamed penning such garbage. As for pop culture references, we get numerous allusions to Donald Trump's America, mentions of Fourth Wave feminism, and a cameo from Billy Zane at the end. Speaking of, the most insulting anachronism of all, aside from the drunken telegram sexting and the selfie from the Queen, the RMS Titanic was constructed in 1908 and launched in 1912, several years after Victoria's death. Not only that, the ship sailed not in London but in Southampton, tens of miles away. I know it's pointless to rag on a movie with nothing but comedic anachronism, but the Titanic ship is intentionally part of the storyline, one set in the nineteenth century where most Sherlock Holmes stories take place. Holmes & Watson is not only a downfall for Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly's careers, but also an insult to history, Arthur Conan Doyle's legacy and comedic intelligence. (1 Victorian Selfie out of 5)

Is the first animated Razzie Award winner The Emoji Movie the worst film of the year? Gene (T.J. Miller) is a 'meh' emoji inside a kid's iPhone who wants to be a wide variety of expressions. Once he accidentally glitches the phone, he crosses the threshold and exits Textropolis with his band of misfits Hi-5 (James Corden) and Jailbreak (Anna Faris), going through all sorts of Apps like CandyCrush, Just Dance, Spotify, and Dropbox, to escape from the bots hired by Smiler (Maya Rudolph). The obvious message in the film is that technology connects people together, so buy an iPhone and text an emoji to show your love for another. Hearing that flimsy and gimmicky moral, I saw The Emoji Movie as a 90-minute commercial for Sony products, with all the features installed such as a half-baked story, uninspired characters, and obnoxious puns, but colorful imaginative worlds. As for Alex, the phone's owner who sends a text to let go of his comfort zone, he is no Riley from Inside Out. The boy is just as dreadfully boring as all the other phone-ridden schoolmates, including his girl crush, and the apps and emojis don't do much to support his character arc. Also, the film missed an opportunity to have the emojis escape the phone world and enter the WiFi network, where they might accidentally damage the system causing chaos in not just the school but the world. This could have been a unique children's satire tackling the impact of technology among humans. However, The Emoji Movie and Sony exist to only advertise trendy electronics rather than glorifying the art of cinema. (1 ½ Thumbs Down Symbols out of 5)