Hicinbothem 1

Cover Letter
My draft is an outline of events throughout my life that have shaped me as the person I
am today. It doesnt have complete detail and does not flow that great but I am hoping that
feedback will help me fix that.
I think that thinking of ideas to put in my narrative when well because I had a lot of
stories that have influenced me.
The challenging part about this draft was knowing if my stories have affected my
literacy. Im still not quite sure if what Ive put down is correct.
I definitely want to keep this paragraph : My 11th grade year this boy named Jacob
Pettit got into a really bad car accident. Jacob was in the 10th grade and played soccer on out JV
Boys Soccer Team. After he had just played a JV soccer game he went to show one of the
Varsity playerss mom (Souli) his new car and took her for a ride. This was happening during the
Varsity Soccer game and I can still remember hearing a loud crash in the distance. Of course at
the moment no one realized how important that sound was and soon forgot about it. It wasnt
until later that night everyone found out that the crash was Jacob Petit. Jacob and Soulis mom
were in terrible condition and both were in the hospital. Everyone at my school was extremely
torn up about this. It was so weird considering that just a couple weeks before this happened, he
was literally sitting next to me eating lunch in the lunch room. Every morning a bunch of would
meet at the flagpole in front of the school before class, and pray for Jacob. We even met after
school and got in a huge circle holding hands and prayed. Red wristbands and shirts were given
out to wear for support and we also fundraised for Jacobs family. Unfortunately Jacob did not
make it and passed away. He will always be loved and remembered by not only me but my entire
community. I want to keep this because I really think that this shows my community and how it
affected me.
I want to revise my closing paragraph because I have no idea what to put in it to close off
my story. I also need to come up with a unique title for my story.
What should I do next time to make this a better passage?

Hicinbothem 2

Kristel Hicinbothem

Rebecca 10/7/2015 6:02 PM

Comment [1]: You want feedback:
On detail and flow
Connecting stories to literacy do they fit in with
that concept?
Closing paragraph
You know to work on a title. I find it helpful to think
of major themes and to turn that into a title or to
find a line that I like in my piece and rework it for
my title.

Professor Rebecca Agosta

UWRT 1101-035
1 October 2015

Rebecca 10/7/2015 6:02 PM

Comment [2]: Excellent MLA

Literacy Narrative
As a young child, I was always very observant. I would constantly just sit in my chair and
examine everything that was going on around me. I wouldnt crawl on my knees, instead I would

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:02 PM

Comment [3]: I like this idea. Do you mean a
particular chair in your home or just sit in my chair
wherever we were

roll to get where I wanted to be. My mom said that she would put a toy on one side of the room,
watch me roll to go get it, and would just die of laughter watching me. She was beginning to
worry when I didnt start to speak as early as most children did. My mom brought me to the
doctor because I wasnt talking and the doctor only told her to wait, that some kids take longer to
start talking and that I would talk when I was ready to. It wasnt too long later that I did, but my
mom told me that when I first started talking I spoke sentences, rather than just a word at a time.
I grew up in Florida in a place where hardly anything was around. There were streets
after streets of houses, but everything else was miles away. I became best friends with a girl in
my grade named Caitlyn Kavaky. We were together almost every day and did everything

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:04 PM

Comment [4]: I think this is a cute story, and I
think you can extend it to make it indicative of the
kind of person you are Maybe like you dont do
things the way others do, but you figure out your
own way?
Maybe something else? Im working to figure out its
purpose.

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:06 PM

Comment [5]: Interesting, skipped those
increments until you were ready to speak wholly. All
of these work together really well. It makes me
think the idea in my comment above, but Im not
sure if thats what Im supposed to think. You might
make that clearer to us readers. You could use your
mothers view of you to state it or come to it on
your own.

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:06 PM

together. In the second grade we used to find colored pencil lead pieces and collect them. We
even competed to see who could have the most. While living in Florida my older brother started

Comment [6]: How do these two ideas connect?

Because you were in the suburbs, were friendships
more important in order to have fun/interesting
things in your life?

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:08 PM

having behavioral problems. I remember him screaming and cussing at my parents yet being so
young. My parents tried to keep him away from bad things but nothing would work. The day my
parents decided that we needed to move away was the worse day of my life, or so I thought.

Comment [7]: Im wondering about purpose

here too. There are these little details that are
interesting, but what is the reader supposed to
understand from them?

Hicinbothem 3

They wanted to move to hopefully help my brother get away from the people he was around and
to get him better. I was too young to understand why we would just randomly move so far
away one day. I was so scared because I wouldnt know anyone, and I knew everything would
just be completely different once we moved. Little did I know that moving to little ole Pilot
Mountain would be the best thing that ever happened to me. Around this time I wrote in a diary,
but I didnt just write. I drew pictures that went along with what I wrote in the diary each day. I
loved drawing and to this day I still love it. When I was told we were moving to North Carolina,
I wrote in my diary about how much I would miss my best friend Caitlyn. I drew a picture of my
family moving away and me crying because I was sad for leaving.
When I moved to North Carolina I was 9 years old. It was the summer before my 4th
grade. I attended Shoals Elementary School where my education immediately began to grow.
This year was when we were taught how to write stories. We wrote them over and over again
until we could easily write an A plus story for the end of the year test. I also was in AIG which
was an advanced placement course program that only certain kids could be in. The education I
received here is far better than any education I would have received back in Florida. The school
systems here are amazing and are nothing like the ones in Florida.
Although we moved here for my brother to start anew, it didnt work. My brother started

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:10 PM

Comment [8]: This paragraph feels slightly
disjointed, but I think there are ways to connect
things in a clearer way for your reader. Perhaps
introduce the idea that you liked keeping a diary of
what your life was like earlier, so we know that
youre recording your adventures with Caitlyn or
your thoughts at that time before we get to the end.
I wonder if you attribute this kind of neighborhood
with your brothers issues. Because they are in the
paragraph together, it seems connected, but you
could make that clearer to the reader.

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:12 PM

Comment [9]: And what is an A plus story?

Did you diary writing impact the writing you did in
this class. Did being in a new place affect your
stories? Im wanting you to make connections from
the previous story to this one.

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:12 PM

Comment [10]: How was it different? Give
examples so we can see the difference.

hanging around people who influenced him badly. He started talking using slang words and cuss
words and his clothes were always baggy. We would get in fights at home, which would lead to
him threatening me. One night my brother and I got into an argument and the next thing I knew
my brother pushed me to the ground and screamed, I will knock your teeth down your throat!
He never hurt me too bad when we fought, but the way he treated me will always be what I think
of him. There were even holes punched into the walls of his room from when he would become

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:15 PM

Deleted: ing

Hicinbothem 4

angry. We lived in an extremely small town so whenever anything bad happened, everyone knew
about it. And thats what happened to our family. My brother started stealing things, breaking
into places, driving without a license, and so forth. Once he got into this stuff, everyone knew
about him, which always came up when I introduced myself.
Going into high school everyone knew me as Garys sister, which already started me off
with a bad reputation. It wasnt long though, until everyone realized that I was nothing like him.
I attended East Surry High School in Pilot Mountain where I became very involved in sports and
focused on my school work. I took almost all honors and AP classes and made either an A or B
average in all of them. My little 1A school was very close. Our community came together during
bad times and always supported one another no matter what. There were two major things that
happened that made me realize what an amazing community I lived in.
My 11th grade year this boy named Jacob Pettit got into a really bad car accident. Jacob
th

was in the 10 grade and played soccer on out JV Boys Soccer Team. After he had just played a
JV soccer game, he went to show one of the Varsity players mom, Souli, his new car and took

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:16 PM

Comment [11]: I can relate to this some with my
brother. You mention that other people knew he
was your brother. Did it shade the way they
interacted with you? How did that shape the way
you behaved in school? For instance, did it make
you want to avoid attention? Did it make you strive
to be good? We need to hear that critical
reflection where you consider how this impacted
you.

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:17 PM

Comment [12]: Might still be true, but stay in
past tense.

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:19 PM

Comment [13R12]: So in this paragraph we can
see your accomplishments, which puts you in
opposition to your brother. I wonder if a need for
your own identity shaped your literacy made you
work for different grades and different recognition
from peers and teachers? Discussing this will help
establish these as literacy stories rather than a
history of your life.

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:16 PM

Deleted: am

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:20 PM

her for a ride. This was happening during the Varsity Soccer game and I can still remember

Deleted: s

hearing a loud crash in the distance. Of course at the moment no one realized how important that

Deleted: (

sound was and soon forgot about it. It wasnt until later that night everyone found out that the

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:20 PM

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:20 PM
Deleted: )

crash was Jacob Petit. Jacob and Soulis mom were in terrible condition and both were in the
hospital. Everyone at my school was extremely torn up about this. It was so weird considering
that just a couple weeks before this happened, he was literally sitting next to me eating lunch in
the lunch room. Every morning after the accident, a bunch of us would meet at the flagpole in
front of the school before class and pray for Jacob. We even met after school and got in a huge
circle holding hands and prayed. Red wristbands and shirts were given out to wear for support

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:20 PM

Deleted: ,

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:22 PM

Comment [14]: It seems to me here that your
desire for a close community and desire to be a
loving member of that community pushed you into
different social situations and literacy experiences. I
thing here, too, you need to make this apparent to
the readers.

Hicinbothem 5

and we also fundraised for Jacobs family. Unfortunately Jacob did not make it and passed away.
He will always be loved and remembered by not only me but my entire community.

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:22 PM

Comment [15]: I relate to this story too, as one
of my close friends died in an accident when I was
15. I think this kind of situation definitely impacts
what we do, how we use language, and how we see
our selves and our community. Work in how this
affected you with stronger ties to literacy, with the
above being some examples.

The other major tragedy that happened at my school was during my senior year of high
school. Gage Edwards was also in a really bad car wreck. Gage was in the 11th grade, a very
well-known person and was on the Varsity football team. Gage was such an amazing athlete and
really made our football team who they were. He was always so hyper and brought the whole
team up when they were down. Not only was he the heart of the team, he was one of the best
players on the team. Gage was on his way to basketball practice when he ran off the road and
wrecked due to texting and driving. He was in extremely bad condition and had to be
hospitalized. Once again everyone in the school came together to support and pray for him. This
time, not only did our school come together, but even schools around us that would be
considered our rivals came together. Gage Edwards passed away and we now have a

Hicinbothem 6

scholarship at our school and a football camp in remembrance of him. He will always be in my

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:23 PM

Comment [16]: This is an important story that
needs to be connected to your literacy
development.

heart and will always represent East Surry High School.

All these events throughout my life have helped shape who I am today and have strongly
influenced my literacy.

Rebecca 10/7/2015 7:26 PM

Comment [17]: I think this closing is hard for you
because you need to work on articulating how these
events shaped your literacy, your learning, and your
values. Once you do that in the above paragraphs,
perhaps here you can revisit the kind of person you
are today. Think about your intro and how you
showed who you were as a kid, and consider now
doing the same. The big difference is that when you
were a kid, you were doing things as they naturally
came to you, and now you are doing things that
youve determined as right for you. Your current self
is a more conscious decision based off your values,
and I think that could be a really strong ending.

Consider this a suggestion. You may decide to take it
another route.