Katelyn Wilkinson

COMM 2110
Final Report on my Personal Change Project
Date: April 25, 2019
Submitted to Professor Susan Knott

This paper helps to outline my personal change project and how I was able to implement the
strategies and lessons learned from this communication course. As I personally have some
difficulty speaking my mind and being assertive, my main goal was to enhance my assertiveness
abilities while still being professional and respectful. I was able to the apply five strategies of
being assertive listed out by Beebe, Beebe and Redmond which helped me to develop the
needed skills and implement these behaviors correctly. These five strategies included describing
the situation, disclosing my feelings, identifying the effects of the other person’s actions, being
silent, and paraphrasing what was said (Beebe 8e, p. 173-176). I did face some difficulties
which I was able to overcome by sticking to this technique and keeping an other-oriented
perspective. Though the result of this experiment was extremely successful, I plan on working on
and developing this skill every day to better communicate with those I interact with every day,
especially at work.

Unwanted Communication Pattern

Before this class, I was very uncomfortable with expressing my feelings and being able to
communicate with other individuals that disagreed with me. I was not able to accurately or
effectively communicate my feelings and stance on something, even if I felt strongly about it. I
was terrible at being assertive with people I was trying to communicate with (Beebe 8e, p. 173).
This poor communication skill also affected the other person involved in the conversation
because they were not able to accurately interpret how I really felt about something or true view
of a particular subject or opinion.

This problem also bled into me trying to project my face in a way that made me seem like a very
agreeable person. I was too wary of what other people were going to think of me if I disagreed
with them or got angry, so I tried to make sure I was projecting a positive face at all times
(Beebe 8e, p. 43). By using this communication pattern in this way, it hindered and prevented me
from communicating effectively with others. By being so worried about how others perceived
me to be, I actually realized I was not being other-oriented (Beebe 8e, p. 108). By hiding what
my true feelings and thoughts were, I was blocking honest and open communication between
myself and the other participant.

Examples of these poor communication patters often included a lot of phrases such as, “yeah,
I’m good” or “no, I’m fine” when asked if I was okay or if something was bothering me.
Because I was not being honest, and the situation obviously bothered me, I would often stop
engaging in conversation which resulted in a lot of ended conversations and silences. This, in
effect, caused the other person involved in the conversation to become irritated or even
uncomfortable. Sometimes, it even resulted in arguments as I was told that I said everything was
fine, yet I stopped engaging in the conversation.
Strategies

Beebe, Beebe and Redmond outlined and suggested five different behaviors to implement in
order to help improve my assertiveness. I was able to use these suggested behaviors from Beebe,
Beebe and Redmond in order to help me become more assertive while communicating my
feelings with others. When implementing these particular strategies, it is also important to note
that while trying to implement these behaviors Beebe, Beebe and Redmond warned against being
aggressive when trying to communicate assertively (Beebe 8e, p. 173). Being aggressive while
implementing these strategies defeated the purpose of being other-oriented and led to poor
communication. It was also cautioned not to be self-oriented, but to stay focused on being
other-oriented (Beebe 8e, p. 173).

1. Describe: To implement this behavior, I vocally described how the situation was being
relayed to me while being mindful of nonverbal communication like my voice and facial
expressions (Beebe 8e, p. 173-174). Beebe suggested avoiding “sarcasm or excessive
vocal intensity” (Beebe 8e, p. 174). I made sure that I did not make fun of or make light
of the situation. By describing how the situation appeared to be from my end, the other
person in the conversation was able to see the conversation from my point of view. This
allowed them to understand how and why I was feeling and reacting the way I was.
2. Disclose: After I described how the situation appeared from my view, I then expressed
my feelings about the situation as well so how I felt was understood and acknowledged.
Expressing my feelings helped to create empathy and helped avoid giving a drawn-out,
overdone speech about the other person’s incorrect behavior. This allowed me to express
my feelings and be able to relay how I truly felt to the other person involved. I was able
to avoid being self-orientated by implementing this strategy as I focused on myself and
my feelings rather than focusing on what the other person did (Beebe 8e, p. 175).
3. Identify Effects: For this behavior I had to identify the effects of the other person’s
behaviors on me and others (Beebe 8e, p. 175). I had to verbally state and illustrate how
their behavior or decision affected me and the persons involved without being rude or
offending them. This was a little difficult to stay other-orientated as I had to describe the
outcome of the other person’s actions or words. There was a lot of caution that needed to
be used when I implemented this strategy as I had to be sure to also communicate that
this was my interpretation of what they did and this is how it affected me personally. It
was hard not to be self-oriented while using this technique, but I was still able to execute
this strategy by making it a point to state that this was how it was affecting me and that
this was how I interpreted their behaviors (Beebe 8e, p. 173).
4. Be Silent: Beebe said that this step was actually one of the harder steps out of the five
listed because it required being silent and waiting for a response (Beebe 8e, p 176).
Beebe suggested while doing this to be aware of my nonverbal cues like facial
expressions and gestures as to not negate my verbal point (Beebe 8e, p 176). This step
was to be concluded only when there was a response given from the other person
involved. For me, this step was only difficult because it is dependent on the other person
and I could not control their reactions.
5. Paraphrase: The last strategy to becoming more assertive was to paraphrase both the
content and feelings of the other person’s response as to accurately understand what they
were telling me (Beebe 8e, p. 176). This step is the easiest step when trying to be other-
oriented because it is focused on the other person and you are stating what you heard
 them say to ensure good communication. A key to this strategy was to see how the other
person responded. If they were abrasive, did not respond, or were aggressive, I had to
then repeat all of the strategies listed above as directed by Beebe, Beebe and Redmond
(Beebe, pp. 176).

Constraints

One of the biggest obstacles I faced with trying to implement the strategies listed above was
feeling confident enough to say what I really thought and express my thoughts and feelings
openly. The first step of the assertive process of disclosing my feelings was one of the harder
steps for me. This was especially challenging for me when the other participant in the
conversation and I strongly disagreed on something. For example, my husband and I had a
conversation about whether or not we should put in an offer on a house. I felt that we should not,
while he felt we should. It was difficult for me to state my opinion because I was afraid I would
hurt his feelings by doubting his judgement, and I was afraid he would not value my opinion of
what I said.

A second challenge was not to revert back to trying to save face. When communicating,
especially in a stressful setting like an argument, it was very stressful for me to maintain and
execute all of the strategies listed above as I wanted to give in and agree with the person so that
the conversation would be over, and I could stop feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable.
Personally, it is not difficult for me to be other-oriented as I really do care about others’ feelings
and how my words impact how they feel about me and themselves (Beebe 8e, p. 108). Because
of my strong desire to be other-oriented and make sure others are always comfortable with me, it
was very difficult to be honest as sometimes I felt this would hurt the other person. This was
especially difficult for me during the identify effects section outlined above. During this process,
I found it very complicated to describe what the other person was doing and how it affected me
without being hurtful.

Implementation

When first trying to implement the strategy of being assertive, I initially thought that this was not
going to be as difficult as I had imagined. I first began to use this strategy in basic conversations
like talking about movies, cars or any other general topic. I decided I would begin slowly by first
being honest about my opinion on things, hoping it would make more serious conversations a
little easier to manage and execute. For example, my husband and I were discussing where to eat.
I am very indecisive when it comes to where we go to eat because I am often satisfied with every
and anything that involves food. In this particular situation, my husband was very annoyed with
the fact that I could not pick somewhere to eat and expressed his frustration to me. At first, I was
rather shocked because this is a common conversation that we have which normally results in
him picking somewhere, but on this particular day he was not happy about it. Realizing his
frustration, I was able to implement Beebe, Beebe and Redmond’s strategy. The conversation
went as follows:
Husband: So, what do you feel like tonight?
Me: I don’t really care I just want to go out.
Husband: Okay. What kind of food do you want?
Me: Anything is good!
Husband: Okay, well, it makes it really hard when I am always deciding where to go. I would
like it if you could just pick somewhere for once.

Me: Oh, sorry. I don’t really care were we go because I just like spending time with you and
talking over dinner. I didn’t realize that you felt stressed to always pick somewhere. I thought I
was being nice by letting you choose, but I can see how that is frustrating.
With this example, I was able to use Beebe, Beebe and Redmond’s strategies of disclosing and
identifying the effects of the situation while still being other-oriented and realizing I might
have been being self-oriented (Beebe 8e, pp. 173-175). I realized that, to my husband, it
appeared I was being unappreciative and uninterested. Even though the roles of assertiveness
were reversed as he was the one who brought it up, I was still able to implement some strategies
of being assertive and use them to help dissolve the frustration between my husband and myself.
I began by disclosing my reasoning for not caring where we went to eat specifically and
followed by identifying the effects of what I said and how that impacted him. Initially in this
situation I would have just shut down and apologized to save face. But, instead of doing that, I
was able to defend myself and my reasoning behind what I did while still being other-oriented as
I acknowledged how what I did, even though the reasoning was sincere, was frustrating to him
(Beebe 8e, p. 173).

A more difficult conversation to have when trying to be more assertive was when my husband
and I had an interaction that was very uncomfortable and unpleasant. These types of
conversations, typically arguments, are the most difficult for me to follow through with each of
the five steps Beebe, Beebe and Redmond suggest to becoming more assertive. However, in this
particular conversation, I was able to implement to all of the five steps of assertiveness. I was
particularly able to implement the strategies of disclosing how I felt, identifying the effects of
his actions, and being silent (Beebe 8e, pp.174-176). Due to the personal and sensitive nature of
our conversation, I will not be using exact quotes like I did above, but I will paraphrase our
interaction instead.

My husband and I sat on the couch as he listened to me talk, and I first described how the
situation appeared form my view. During this step, I made sure to avoid using “sarcasm or
excessive vocal intensity” as Beebe, Beebe, and Redmond suggested (Beebe, pp. 174). I made
sure that as I described the situation I was creating an emphasis on the fact that this was how I
was perceiving the situation and that this was not exclusively how the situation was meant to
come across. I wanted to make sure that as I completed these steps I was not being aggressive
because this would defeat the purpose of being other-oriented (Beebe 8e, p. 173).

I then began the second step as I disclosed my feelings about what he did and how it hurt me. I
disclosed how I felt betrayed and completely blindsided by his actions. As mentioned in my
constraints, this step was the most difficult for me to complete. What helped me disclose
everything honestly and openly was the realization that no good would come from hiding how I
truly felt. I also realized that if I didn’t disclose my true thoughts and feelings, the problem may
arise again in the future and become another problem. My husband was also very sincere and
genuine as he encouraged and listened to me as I expressed my feelings since he knew this was
very difficult for me to do.

I then continued to the third step of identifying the effects of his actions. I made sure to include
how his actions impacted me and made me feel. I was also afraid of this step as I didn’t want to
be offensive or demonize my husband for his actions. By using the main theme of successfully
communicating with others, I made sure to word and phrase the situation in a way that was
assertive, yet still other-oriented by thinking about how I would feel if what I was saying was
said to me. This helped me demonstrate to my husband that even though I was upset and
disappointed by the actions he made, I still loved him.

I was then able to implement the fourth step of being silent. As suggested by the text, I made
sure to be aware of my “nonverbal cues” like “facial expressions and gestures” as not to
invalidate anything that I had said previously (Beebe 8e, p. 176). Although this step is usually
said to be one of the harder steps out of the five, it was actually quite simple for me to do as
being silent in confrontation was typical of me before learning these concepts. I was silent for a
few minutes before he was able to respond and apologize and tell me how he realized what he
did was wrong and how he would rectify the situation.

I then completed the last step of being assertive by paraphrasing what he said. After doing so,
he confirmed that was what he meant. We repeated this process a few times as Beebe, Beebe,
and Redmond suggested doing because what was said stemmed into new conversation topics and
new feelings being discovered (Beebe, pp. 176).

Results

As I implemented the strategies outlined above I noticed a strong and significant correlation
between my confidence and my ability to state my thoughts and feelings directly. By working
through all of the various steps I was able to really express my feelings and not hide them away.
Through this process I actually felt empowered to state more boldly how I felt because I was
entitled to feel that way and all I needed to do was express my feelings and my view of the
situation.

The only negative consequence I experienced with implementing this technique was anxiety
while I was trying to formulate a sentence, particularly when implementing the second step of
trying to disclose how I felt about the situation (Beebe 8e, p. 175). However, using this strategy
of becoming more assertive almost exclusively resulted in positive outcomes. My conversations
were more honest and clear, everyone involved in the conversation had a clear understanding of
what was expected and how everyone felt, and I felt less stress and worry at the end of the
conversations as I was no longer bottling up how I really felt about things. The result of this
project turned out better than I had anticipated them to as I did not realize the positive impact this
strategy would have in correcting my self-esteem and my communication apprehension when
it came to arguments and passionate discussions (Beebe 8e, p. 41).

Looking back, I realized that the actual implementation of the assertive strategy took a lot more
thought and dedication that I had initially anticipated. I realized that my previous behavior was
dictated by personal insecurities, including the desire to make sure I was saving face.
Implementing and practicing this assertive strategy allowed be to be able to accomplish both
goals of expressing my honest thoughts and feelings while being other-oriented (Beebe 8e,
p.173).

Recommendations

I plan on continuing to implement the assertive strategy and techniques listed above in my future
communication as the implementation of which resulted in personal success and success in my
communication with others. The main goal of being assertive is not to turn it into being
aggressive and putting the other person down to make them feel terrible for what they did or how
they did it (Beebe 8e, p. 173). Rather, this theory is to simply inform and educate the other
person on why and how what they did affected and hurt you. The main goal of this
communication skill is to maintain an other-oriented mindset while being assertive and
communicating your perspective (Beebe 8e, p. 173).

I also plan on trying to implement this strategy more in the workplace as I did not get a chance
to practice much in that setting. It is a little more difficult to have these assertive conversations
with people you do not know personally, like in a work setting. I would like to implement this
same strategy in this setting as it would allow me to become well-rounded in all aspects of this
strategy. The difference that I will make in using this strategy in the work environment versus a
personal interaction with family or friends would be to make sure that the conversation does not
get too emotional and keep it in line with work. Straying away from the work aspect of the
conversation could eventually lead to other difficulties which could have been avoided if I had
kept the conversation focused on the effect and impact at work. A way to make sure that personal
feelings are not affected would be to stay other-oriented and make sure that I am helping my
coworker save face (Beebe 8e, p. 45).

Works Cited

Beebe, Steven A., Beebe, Susan J., & Redmond, Mark V. (2018). Interpersonal Communication:
Relating to Others. Boston: Pearson. [Allyn & Bacon]