Ariel (1988) – 3.
A down and out job seeker turns to crime. Expect uber deadpan comedy, non-supermodel leads,
and a hefty dose of rock n roll with pretty much any Kaurismaki flick. This is more of the same,
but the editing seems much tighter, so it may be slightly more accessible than his usual sort. I
wouldn’t call any of the Kaurismaki movies I’ve seen absolute favorites, but I love the guy. I think
many would consider the style tedious, but I find his movies so relaxing & easy to watch, and
he’s got an original voice that he sticks to. This isn’t a masterpiece, but one of the better ones. I
doubt many filmmakers could find hilarity in such subtleties as passing cigarettes & a lighter
back & forth.
Der blaue Engel (1930) – 4.5
Wonderful! Weird! Tragic! Der professor pulls you into misfortune, Lola2 is a lady to toss a life
away for, and many of the sets dabble in dark expressionism.
Body Bags (1993) – 2.5
Established horror auteurs gleefully half-ass an anthology. The initial 2 stories (Carpenter’s) are
really fun, the 3rd (Hooper’s) drags the whole thing down. Undead Carpenter is a great host.
The Bothersome Man (2006) – 3.5
After committing suicide, a man is transported to a bleak, IKEA-obsessed town wherein he
seems to be the only one questioning the surreal circumstances. For such a bold premise, it
keeps the mystery fresh and unpredictable until the end. As a consequence of that, it ends on a
frustrating note.
Buffet Froid (1979) – 3.5
Bleak(-ish) surrealism with some dry humor. Slow pace, infrequent music, and somewhat
minimal scenery.
Cash on Demand (1961) - 3
A man eloquently robs a bank led by a snooty manager. Don’t read the IMDB synopsis; it gives
away the whole plot. The characters are multifaceted, and Andre Morell is wonderful. The story
is told in what feels like real time, which gives it a Hitchcockian tension. I think this may be the
only non-horror Hammer flick I’ve seen, but it seems someone forgot to tell the composer. dun
dun
Chopping Mall (1986) – 2
Killer robots expire some teens. Unfortunately, there is no actual chopping. :( It’s a self-aware
genre flick; just not schlocky enough.
Clockwise (1986) – 3.5
A funny flick about a man going through great lengths to arrive on time. The plot isn’t really
important though. The reason to watch is to see John Cleese dealing with arbitrary shenanigans,
which is always fun. Cleese is so long though, he always makes me think there’s something
wrong with my aspect ratio.
Closet Land (1991) - 3
A movie about an unusual totalitarian operative attempting to coerce a single confession, done
in the spirit of Kafka. I appreciate the concept, but it’s a tough endeavor to keep a feature length
story fresh within such limited parameters. I think it would’ve worked ideally as a short film.
Cloud Atlas (2012) – 3
Such an ambitious, broad, and interesting movie with a peculiar oversaturation of fake noses
and Tom Hanks’ accents.
The Creeping Flesh (1973) – 2.5
A scientist unearths an exotic new skeleton that grows flesh whenever it contacts water. The
premise is cool, but it diverges into less interesting territory midway. It’s as if they were tacking
on some extra content in order to fulfill a runtime quota.
Dark Waters (1993) – 4
Some homicidally territorial nuns occupy an island pervaded by occult symbolism. The movie
has a strange and wonderful atmosphere with one of those awesomely low-fi b-movie synth-
orchestral scores. There’s only a modicum of dialogue, and the Russian accents are about as
thick as the Brothers Karamazov. The horror is no joke though. There’s some genuinely
unnerving stuff that doesn’t rely too much on gratuity (at least until the end) or clichés. I only
wish the director's catalogue wasn't so thin.
Dead of Night (1974) – 3.5
A soldier killed in action abruptly returns home. The cover sort of makes this seem like a generic
slasher, but it’s really an unnerving movie. It’s psychological and subtly paced despite being a
‘zombie’ movie.
Diva (1981) – 4
Really cool thriller about a young man who naïvely gets drawn into a criminal conspiracy. There
are some strange characters, unique sets, and beautiful blue and yellow lighting. I wish the plot
was a little more engaging, but I feel like this will get better with repeated viewings.
Doomsday (2008) – 2
The violence is tacky and Rhona Mitra’s lips need to lay off the kettle bells. I should like it, being
a shameless rip of Escape from New York and MM2. I was hyped when it came out. I was
disappointed. With adjusted expectations, I’m still disappointed.
Earth vs. the Flying Saucers (1956) – 2.5
Decent plastic-y sci-fi b-movie. Another that sort of encompasses the genre. The cheesy
paraphernalia is nice; gets a little too hectic in the end though.
Ed and His Dead Mother (1993) – 3.5
A mama’s boy gets wrapped up a con involving human reanimation; told with absurdist humor.
Great for those that like Bunuel-esque comedy.
Experiment in Terror (1962) – 3.5
A woman is forced into a crime plot. Bold lighting, offbeat wide angles, some unusual settings,
influence on Twin Peaks, and another smooooth Mancini score. This feels almost satirical of noir,
but still cool and taken seriously enough. It seems very ahead of its time. Also, Glenn Ford nails
it, despite playing a pretty straightforward FBI agent, and the villain is eeexcellent.
The Face of Another (1966) – 4
Disfigured man gets a handsome lifelike mask seared onto his face. A philosophical
introspective about reckless vanity follows. He wasn’t the most pleasant fellow to begin with
though, and becomes more amiable as his character is irresponsibly liberated. The movie is
mostly relaxed, a little chatty, and brooding, with a little dry humor thrown in (or maybe it’s just
me). It may be too artsy for some, but I loved the surrealistic flirtations at the end.
Fever (1999) - 3
I expected a conventional 90s serial killer spin-off, but this is a pretty odd psychological drama
about an eccentric man losing sanity. Slow pacing, surreal dream sequences, and dark ambient
music give it a Lynchian vibe.
The Forbidden Room (2015) – 4
A cluster of surreal segments uniquely interwoven. The post-production went a little HDR-crazy.
The editing really makes or breaks the film too. I like it, and really appreciate all the painstaking
detail in it, but 2 hours of constant after effects can be a grind. Still, this is one of Maddin’s
coolest and craziest.
The Flesh and the Fiends (1960) – 3.5
A horror movie recreating ye olde graverobbings and murders of Burke and Hare. It’s well acted,
surprisingly unrestrained for its time, and has a nice early 19th century dark atmosphere.
Four Lions (2010) – 3.5
Funny
Freaked (1993) – 2.5
Well... this is a thing. This is definitely a thing that exists. I like the absurdity and cartoony
weirdness, but the dialogue and sound effects are way more annoying than funny.
Freeze Frame (2004) – 3
A paranoiac attempts to thwart a conspiratorial gubberment by recording his every move. The
writing may be a little immature at times, but it has a unique atmosphere and a good lead. The
setting is modern, but with the technological emphasis it feels cyberpunky.
Genesis (1998) – 3
A half hour horror film about a sculptor becoming a bit too attached to one of his works (one of
many insufferably sarcastic ways I could’ve phrased that). It’s a dialogue-free one man show.
Pretty good and nasty, and even at 30 minutes doesn’t rush itself.
Gentleman Jim (1942) – 3.5
An Irish gent ascends in the gritty world of 19th century boxing. Notably dated, but the rugged
& silly old boxing is a blast (esp. the wild fight on the docks). The acting is rowdy and almost
purely comic, despite IMDB’s misleading drama label.
Ghosts of the Civil Dead (1988) – 4.5
There’s a story being told, but it takes a backseat to the uncomfortable routine prison life
shown. It might be too brooding and monotonous for many, but it has one of the best gritty,
vile, misanthropic atmospheres I’ve seen, and a poetic use of the camera.
Heatseeker (1995) – 1
In Albert Pyun’s glowy dystopia, future-shock Muay Thai has been taken over by an unstoppable
race of super fighters aided by technological augmentations. The only hope of stopping them
comes from one man’s incensed concentration of skill and steroids. This seems inspired by the
early UFC events of the time (when they were still shrouded in a sort of subversive controversy)
which I’m a big fan of, but Pyun’s direction is mighty difficult to sit through (comic relief
notwithstanding).
Highway to Hell (1991) – 4.5
A young man ventures through hell to rescue his girlfriend from a demonic cop. A really
awesome and creative depiction of hell with a clever sense of humor.
I Hired a Contract Killer (1990) – 4
A man puts a hit on himself. My favorite Kaurismaki flick yet. A more effective use of dry wit and
gritty setting, and the Asperger-esque characters are the most sympathetic. This has a charm
that the others I’ve seen may fall a little short on. I like the whimsicality amidst death, grit, and
sluggish pacing. Kaurismaki could’ve made a splendid Mr. Bean episode.
The Hitchhiker (1953) – 3
A psycho criminal hitches a ride and torments two fellows across the desert. An entertaining
thriller with less campy affectations than I expected (still quite a few though), a ton of sandy grit,
and a notable villain.
Hollywood Boulevard (1978) – 2.5
Cheap, tasteless satire of Hollywood smut. It has some moments, and its Joe Dante’s feature
debut (as co-director). It also has the funniest Dick Miller role I’ve seen (as a nickel & dime
agent): “… a bearded lady? Hold on.” ……. “Bruno. You still sportin whiskers?... Good. Get yourself
down to Fairbanks in Hollywood, buy yourself a pair o’ tits.”
Un homme qui dort (1974) – 3.5
Bleakly meditative statement on loneliness, apathy, and depression. Some of it resonates greatly,
though it’s a little boring and self-indulgent by nature.
Horror Express (1972) – 3.5
Confined aboard a Siberian train, an extremely dapper Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing trail a
leisurely moving yet hyper-intelligent pre-historic Asian monster-man with special brain sucking
powers. *heavy breathing* The shitty aesthetic is oh so wonderful.
Humanoids from the Deep (1980) – 1.5
Fish monsters rape their way through a small fishing village. There are tons of technically worse
b-horror flicks, but without much self-awareness, this one just isn’t as fun as it should be. It
seems like it tries to actually be a valid horror entry with envelope-pushing content, but it
surrendered that luxury when it was first called Humanoids from the Deep.
The Hyperboloid of Engineer Garin (1965) – 3.5?
Some of the best cinematography I’ve ever seen. A convoluted plot that ventures through heavy
doses of noir, political thriller, and campy science fiction. It seems every part of the crew knew
exactly what they wanted, but forgot to have a meeting beforehand. It’s not bizarre at face
value, but I can’t think of anything close to it.
The Incident (1967) – 2.5
Thriller about two maniacal scumbags tormenting passengers on a train. I feel this movie isn’t
really meant to entertain as much as it’s meant to aggravate the viewer (imagining themselves in
the same situation). So, I guess if you like things that frustrate you, this is bueno.
The dark and gritty urban setting reminds me of the no wave exploitation films that Richard
Kern would later make in the 80s, which is cool. I just kind of wish it was utilized on a different
story.
I, Madman (1989) – 2.5
Woman gets scared reading book. There are some cool and stylish anthological bits, and a
pretty creepy baddie.
Invaders from Mars (1953) – 2.5
An antecedent to Invasion of the Body Snatchers with more Hollywood bombast, 80 mile-an-hour
dialogue, and enough explosions to wipe a small country off the map.
Island of Terror (1966) – 2
A scientist trying to devise the cure for cancer mistakenly creates rubbery bone sucking tentacle
monsters. A known risk. It’s set in a quaint old small town, with some nice interiors and mystery
music straight outta Scooby Doo. I appreciate that the bone sucking is accompanied by milkshake
slurping sound effects.
It Came from Outer Space (1953) – 3
Entertaining body snatching stuff with a nice desert backdrop and some characteristic
commentary of the time.
It! Terror form Beyond Space (1958) – 2.5
Often said to be the impetus for Alien. Decent for those that appreciate tacky old sci-fi. I find it
hilarious that one of the most celebrated films of its kind apparently ripped off this cheesefest.
Jour de fete (1949) – 3
A bicycle postman starts to worry that his old-fashioned ways are being overtaken by speedy
modern conventions. It was before Hulot, but it still has Jacques Tati’s offbeat charm. The cross-
eyed fellow hammering a nail killed me.
Jungle Holocaust (1977) – 3.5
Ruggero Deodato’s precursor to Cannibal Holocaust. Though there’s still plenty of shock value,
it doesn’t leave as strong of an impression as CH. It still takes full advantage of the jungly
backdrop and has plenty of engaging realism.
The Junky’s Christmas (1993) – 3.5
William Burroughs wishes you a merry Christmas with a somber animated chronicle of a junky
hankering for a holiday fix. The claymation is cool, and the story ends on a strangely positive
note.
Just Before Dawn (1981) – 3.5
Good under the radar slasher. It ticks the box of most clichés, but it’s surprisingly modestly
paced and heavy on intrigue.
Kafka (1991) – 3.5
It’s not quite as bizarre as you’d expect from a movie called Kafka, but the mostly quiet
atmosphere is sort of a mix between Welles’ Trial and early Coen Bros.
The Land That Time Forgot (1975) – 2.5
A u-boat discovers the hidden land of rubber dinos. The land may have been forgotten, but time
definitely remembered the special effects. Nonetheless, it has a fun sense of big dumb
adventure that appeals to the kid in me.
The Last Circus (2010) – 3.5
A plot that doesn’t necessitate a horror movie, but progressively gets fucked up enough to fulfill
the label. I love the exaggerated borderline militaristic music building up the impending
pandemonium too.
The Last Command (1928) – 4
Emil Jannings plays a(nother) sympathetic louse whose fall from grace stretches from Imperial
Russia to Hollywood. This paints a very unkind view of humanity, and the premise makes for
some strong tragic melodrama.
Lathe of Heaven (1980) – 3
A man constantly alters reality with his dreams. Pretty good, though I think a longer runtime and
slower pace could’ve given more potency to such a world-changing story. There’s a great
psychedelic bit at the end though.
Leolo (1992) – 5
A not so innocent charm. A sort of twisted yet beautiful coming of age story about a boy who
relies on escapism in the form of surreal delusions about his family and surroundings. With
offbeat humor and some dreamy visuals, the style would probably appeal to Jeunet fans. And by
Jove… the soundtrack to end all soundtracks.
LFO (2014) – 4
A man brainwashes people with synth frequencies. Begins as a humble psych thriller with great
use of dry humor, and grows more fascinating and ambitious as it goes along. The lead is
complex and well acted too.
Lights in the Dusk (2006) – 3
The most deadpan of the Kaurismaki movies I’ve seen so far, which is sort of like being the most
suspenseful Hitchcock movie. It’s very akin to Man Without a Past. So much so that the existence
of the former makes this seem a little gratuitous.
The Mad Genius (1931) – 2
An uncreative cash-in on Svengali, apparently. Similar premise with the same two leads. I really
enjoyed Svengali though, and could watch Barrymore play this sort of character for hours.
Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is mostly boring and uneventful, with some good dialogue.
‘The mad genius’ isn’t really mad enough; he’s just a dick. Not too sensational beyond face
value.
The Maltese Falcon (1931) – 2.5
More sensually uninhibited than its famed successor, with a charming overuse of 1930s idiolects
and cadences. This Sam Spade is a dick though.
Man on Fire (2004) – 2.5
Someone give the editor some Ritalin please.
The Man They Could Not Hang (1939) – 2.5
I think this is Karloff’s best performance (not something I say lightly). It also has a great
screenplay (with an interesting shifting dichotomy between protagonists and ‘villain’), but… it’s
just not very entertaining. :( It picks up steam towards the end though. The horror label is a tad
deceptive too.
Memories (1995)
- Magnetic Rose – 4
- Stink Bomb – 2.5
- Cannon Fodder – 2.5
Three short science fiction films. Apart from genre, they don’t have much in common and might
as well be judged separately. Magnetic Rose is powerful, Stink Bomb is quirky and a bit funny,
and Cannon Fodder is visually unique and the most ‘difficult’ of the bunch.
Mortal Transfer (2001) – 3.5
A noir-ish dark comedy about the most incompetent psychologist ever trying to find his way out
of a convoluted murder plot. I really liked Beineix’s Diva, and this has a similarly colorful style
(albeit not as prominent). The plot is entertaining too, if a little overlong.
The Name of the Rose (1986) - 4
Sean Connery plays medieval Sherlock Holmes investigating murders among an abbey of monks
(many of whom seem to have been hired for… mmm… facial attributes). The eerie atmosphere
wouldn’t be out of place in any horror movie. The sound people really outdid themselves too.
This may be the creakiest movie I’ve ever seen.
Nemesis (1992) – 2.5
I guess this is considered the best from Albert Pyun, which is like being considered the best
athlete in a retirement home, but it’s not too bad. For a cheesefest it’s kinda boring though. The
jungle setting is really pretty too, but unsurprisingly doesn’t quite go with cyberpunk.
Of Unknown Origin (1983) – 2.5
Peter Weller goes mad hunting a super rat. Stupid, but not that boring. There’s even a training
montage of him prepping for the showdown. Made all the more silly because you know it’s
bound to end with him bloodied and heaving with clothes torn and melee weapon in hand.
Outlander (2008) – 3.5
Man from distant galaxy chases alien monstrosity to Earth and ends up partying with some
Vikings. Granted, the material could’ve been handled much better and less generic. The Vikings
were disappointingly Hollywood, but it’s still a really fun movie.
The Petrified Forest (1936) – 4.5
Damn! A brave and complex introspective on society that still carries a lot of relevance. I feel like
it could be taken in many ways. It’s hard to believe it was written in the 30s, though less hard to
believe it was originally a play. The tactless machismo is the most dated part of it.
Prophecy (1979) – 2
Some green activists try to halt the circulation of manbearpig-sprouting mercury. It mixes uber
cheesy monster stuff with dramatic environmental commentary; pretty disjointed. The music is
very overbearing too.
Radioactive Dreams (1985) – 2.5
I did it. I found a decent Albert Pyun film. Unfortunately, the copy I watched looked like it was
dipped in jelly. An ultra-cheesy post-apocalyptic comedy starring two noir throwback detectives
roaming a Mad Max II inspired wasteland. It seems to exist mainly to whore out the soundtrack.
Razorback (1984) – 3.5
An old favorite. A giant razorback boar roams the outback, chomping on a few people along the
way. It’s a campy monster movie at heart, but the gorgeous outback cinematography is no joke.
Recollections of the Yellow House (1989) – 4
The pathetic, depressing, monotonous, and sometimes dryly hilarious life of a sickly old man. I
don’t know why I liked this so much. Maybe because it feels so immersive. It’s hard not to feel
for the characters, bad as they are at times.
Robinson Crusoe on Mars (1964) – 2.5
Title is self-explanatory. The first half illustrates a man’s depressing survival and coping with
loneliness. It’s picturesque and holds up really well… until the flying saucer shows up and it
devolves into a cheesefest. I guess they felt that they had to tack on some excitement after a
lengthy period of monotony.
Rock & Rule (1983) – 3
This is paced about as well as a lawnmower man on the autobahn, but the dystopian setting and
animations are so awesome. It had a lot of potential, but the pacing and (mostly) stupid
screenplay impedes it a lot. I would hate to see the amount of budget allocated to drugs.
Russkaya simfoniya (1994) – 4.5
Made pretty much in the same style as Lopushanskiy’s Vistor Of A Museum. Only this has a
pinch of dark comedy and Shakespearean histrionics that give it much more character. The
lighting is somehow even redder, and the environment still seems soaked in kerosene. It’s set
during a society’s crumbling (rather than after) so the environment is more violent and active,
while still maintaining Lopushanskiy’s bleakness.
Ruthless People (1986) – 3
A kidnapping incites a Coen bros-esque convoluted series of events. In all hairsprayed, snare-
drummed, pink-lighted glory, this is one of the most 80s movies I’ve seen. It has moments, but I
think the plot warranted darker humor than the writing was willing to risk.
Schramm (1993) – 3
Super grim, borderline surreal depiction of mental insanity. Unlike most exploitation flicks, this is
emotional and melancholic, which would probably make it even more distressing to most.
Buttgereit’s films may come across as cheap and sick, but they’re genuinely artistic and
experimental enough to interest me.
Screamers (1995) – 3
It has an awesome post-apocalyptic cyberpunk sort of world with cool sets and what seems to
be a decent budget, it stars Peter Weller, it’s based on a Philip K. Dick story, and it was written
by Dan (Alien) O’Bannon. This movie should be great, but it’s just too run of the mill to live up to
expectations.
The Seventh Continent (1989) – 3.5
A depiction of depression and routine monotony that feels much more genuine than most.
There’s no sense of hope or relief in mood; just a feeling of being trapped in first world
monotony. In effect, it gets boring, but it needs to.
Street Scene (1931) – 3
Some crudely written caricatures bicker about in front of a gritty New York set piece. The
characters can get really annoying by design, but the movie is engaging enough, and it captures
a cool street vibe in the 30s.
Svengali (1931) – 4
The droopy expressionistic sets are cool, the lead is fantastic, and the story stays odd, surprising,
and uninhibited. The comedy seems token though. Anyone expecting a horror flick would
probably be surprised by the adventurous drama that inserts itself, and the heavy note that it
ends on.
Teknolust (2002) – 3
Tilda Swinton’s clones need a steady intake of spermatozoa tea to stay alive. No man who’s
attracted to Tilda Swinton is safe. So, a handful of men are unsafe. This is craptastic. It’s really
weird, it has a unique look, I like the score, and the acting & plot can get hilariously bad. One of
those ‘what the hell were they thinking’ deals.
Tetsuo 3: The Bullet Man (2009) – 1.5
I’m sad now. There are glimpses of classic Tetsuo insanity, but this is so disappointing. Too
monotonous for a Tetsuo movie, and the acting hardly meets made for TV sci-fi standard. It’s
also written in English and pervaded by poor dubbing and sound mixing. I know it seems
contradictory to pick apart a Tetsuo movie for low budget faults, but the other ones took
advantage of their charms, whereas this one seems phoned in I’m afraid.
I know it’s late in his career for this, but I will personally invest in getting Tsukamoto a tripod.
Tomorrow I’ll Get Up and Scald Myself with Tea (1973) – 3
Some bitter old Nazis go back in time and try to give an H-Bomb to Hitler. One man tries to
stop them while butterflies keep flapping their wings. It’s not as goofy as a lot of the older Czech
comedies I’ve seen, but I love their typical zaniness. It’s still funny with an interesting story. I like
that every old Czech movie cycles like the same 5 leading actors.
Tokyo Fist (1995) – 3
Two men bickering over a woman let their tensions fester into the boxing ring. This has a more
dramatic tone than some would expect from the Tetsuo guy (even boring at times), but the
boxing scenes are as gloriously over the top as you could hope for, and the finale doesn’t
disappoint.
Town Zero (1988) – 4.5
A straight-man meanders through an absurdly idiosyncratic town. This is one of the most dryly
hilarious movies I’ve seen. I feel like the lead’s introversion and awkward faux-nonchalance
parallels myself in uncomfortable social surroundings.
The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll (1960) – 3
This might be the only version that concentrates all the makeup effects on Jekyll. It also might
be the prettiest Hammer production I’ve seen, though it’s short on actual horror.
The Unnamable (1988) – 1.5
It derives from a Lovecraft story that doesn’t really provide much material for a movie, and
devolves into a teen monster flick. The best I can say is that the monster is pretty cool, and the
acting provides some comic relief. Unfortunately, I just didn’t find it redeemably entertaining. It
seems like more effort was put into the Ecce Homo restoration than this.
The Unnamable II (1992) – 2.5
Holy improvement Batman. There’s still enough cheese to put a dairy farmer out of business, but
this story got a serious upgrade in all regards. It’s not really enjoyable enough to list among b-
movie elites, but the production isn’t nearly as difficult to stomach as the first.
Walker (1987) – 4
Hectic, zany, gritty & photogenic, comedic, anachronistic, violent commentary. It’s easy to see
why this would let down anyone wanting an actual western or biopic, but this is so unique and
visionary. Almost every character borders on lunacy and defies rationale. Best consumed with
caffeine I think.
X-Files (1998) – 3.5
There was too much Hollywood bombast in the end (this coming after literally pissing on an
Independence Day poster), but the story was engaging. I wish they would’ve let the awesomely
atmospheric alien sets breathe a little more though, instead of spamming the quick cuts and
close-ups in the finale.
You’ll Like My Mother (1972) – 3.5
A pregnant woman gets confined in a crazy old bat’s house during an isolating snowstorm. This
seems to have been a heavy influence on Stephen King for Misery, and it’s arguably as
suspenseful. Great little thriller.
