Up the Creek

Re-Written by

Dan Fiorella
 Up the Creek

INT. LEPETOMANE SPORTING GOODS STOCKROOM - DAY

BOB MCGRAW, early 30s slacker is lying on a bench, looking up

a ceiling fan (think Apocalypse Now). The blades slowly turn
as we think we're listening to a voice over because we can't
make out Bob's lips.

BOB
When I was here, I wanted to be
there; when I was there, all I
could think of was getting back.
I'm waiting for a mission. Getting
softer. Every minute I stay in
this room...

Now we're closer and see it's Bob actually speaking.

BOB (CONT'D)
I get weaker.

Just then, IRWIN BLUMENTHAL, small, slight, 21, enters to back

room. He's wearing a light aqua smock for work.

IRWIN
You say something, Bob?

He goes to a shelf and grabs a boxed bowling ball.

BOB
(startled)
What? No!

IRWIN
Are you sure?

BOB
Yes.

IRWIN.
It sounded like you were narrating
your life again.

Bob sits up, annoyed.

BOB
No.

IRWIN
Do you still do your own sound
effects?
 2.

BOB
Break's over.

Bob grabs an aqua vest and puts it on. It's the uniform for
Lepetomane Sporting Goods, with the name "Bob" stitched in.
He leaves the stockroom.

INT. LEPETOMANE SALES FLOOR - CONTINUOUS

He enters the store proper, from the rear of the sales floor.
Lepetomane Sports, a smaller, neighborhood sports store, filled
to the brim with baseball and little league equipment, football
stuff, fishing gear, etc. Predominately featured is camping
and rafting equipment.

Bob straightens a row of tennis rackets.

Irwin is at the cash register, giving the bowling ball to a

CUSTOMER. He rings him up and sends him on his way. The little
bell over the door rings as the Customer leaves.

Snoring is heard. Bob and Irwin both look around. They meet
up at a pup tent display. Bob opens the flap. There, sound
asleep is GONZER, a large, squat, Neanderthal of a youth, 23.

Bob is about to poke him. Irwin stops him. Irwin pulls out a
joy buzzer and puts it on.

Bob acquiesces.

Irwin slaps Gonzer on the butt.

Gonzer freaks, the tent collapses. He thrashes around a bit

then stops. He stands up, inside the tent.

GONZER
Gonzer angry.

BOB
Gonzer asleep on the job. Get
out here.

Gonzer gets out of the tent.

BOB (CONT'D)
You two get this display fixed
now, so I don't have to. Come
on, we have customers!

Bob walks off. Gonzo glares at Irwin.

IRWIN
Oh, come on. That was funny.
 3.

Irwin shows the joy buzzer, then gives Gonzer a slight punch
to the shoulder. Reluctantly, Gonzer smiles.

GONZER
Yeah, that was pretty good.

He punches Irwin back, only harder. Irwin goes down.

At Sporting Wear:

A SHAPELY WOMAN is looking at the clothes rack. Bob saunters

over.

BOB
Can I help you?

SHAPELY LADY
I'd like to see something in yoga
pants.

BOB
I'd like that, too.

Over at the cooler display:

A COUPLE look at some of the coolers on display. Gonzer comes

over.

GONZER
Needing help?

COUPLE GUY
Which one of these coolers is the
best?

Gonzer leads them over to the Acme Frigid.

GONZER
This one.

He opens the lid and pulls out a beer can and pops it open.

GONZER (CONT'D)
I put these in here last week.

He takes a swig.

GONZER (CONT'D)
Still icy cold!

He offers each a sip. They decline.

At the shelves:
 4.

Irwin is up on a step stool, reaching for a dusty, old box.

IRWIN
Hey, look! I found an old set of
lawn darts! They don't even make
these anymore!

He tugs and tugs on the box. Suddenly it gives way! Irwin

falls and the box of giant darts fly off. Irwin gets back up
and sees the box is open.

He looks over to the Cooler display:

Gonzer is looking back, angry. His beer is attached to the

wall by a giant lawn dart.

Back at Sporting Wear:

Shapely Lady exits the fitting room, now wearing tight yoga
pants. She's straightening herself out, and saunters off,
smiling.

A moment later, Bob comes out, vest on inside out. He waves.

BOB
Come again!

She exits with a wink. The little door bell rings.

Bob wanders over by the tennis rackets. Absentmindedly, he

picks one up, hefts it. Then he starts to mime paddling with
it. Startled at what he's doing, he quickly puts it back.

INT. LEPETOMANE SALES FLOOR - LATER

It's 8:00pm.

Back behind the register is a door labeled "Private." It opens.

Mr. DEAN LEPETOMANE steps out. He's an older, dumpy man in a
pristine track suit. He's followed by MAXINE, a mousy girl,
over-dressed in bulky clothes. She carries an electronic
tablet.

The boys are around the floor straightening up.

DEAN
Gather round, people. I'd like
to speak to you before you punch
out.

They gather round.

 5.

DEAN
Is this all of you?

BOB
Usually. What is it, Mr.
Lepetomane?

DEAN
You people are doing an amazing
job against incredible odds.

BOB
It's what we do. No matter what
the odds, right, guys?

Irwin nods. Gonzer looks panicked.

GONZER
That's math, right?

DEAN
The odds just got worse.

IRWIN
Video games are just a fad, sir.

Gonzer is suddenly caught playing some game on his phone and

quickly puts it away.

The front door opens, the little bell rings. They all turn.

The handsome and arrogant 27-ish REX TOZER enters with some
flyers. Accompanying him is his compadre, the equally striking
RODGER VAN DYKE.

DEAN
Can we help you?

REX
Hi, we were wondering if we could
put one of our flyers in your
window.

He hold it out. It reads:

"GRAND OPENING

SLICK'S SPORTING GOODS

ROUTE 440"

Bob takes it.

 6.

BOB
Why would we put this up?

IRWIN
We're a sporting goods store.

Rex and Rodger look around unimpressed. Gonzer is sniffing

them.

RODGER
It's so quiet here, I thought it
was a library.

That's worth a fist bump between them.

MAXINE
We are a reputable retail outlet
and a vital part of this community!

DEAN
We are a reputable store and a
vital part of this community!

Maxine just accepts it.

REX
In your day, Pops, I'm sure.

Gonzer barks at them.

RODGER
Heel, Benji.

REX
Yeah, be nice. You'll be working
for us in a couple of months.

Irwin and Bob hold Gonzo back by a harness leash we can now
see. This has happened before.

Bob pulls out a duck call and softly blows it. That seems to
calm Gonzer down.

IRWIN
Good boy, good boy.

Irwin slips him a treat.

REX
Usually we face some competition
when we roll into town but that
shouldn't be an issue here.
 7.

RODGER
Not. At. All.

Rodger sees some billiard equipment. He walks over to a cue

stick and takes it. He snap it in half.

RODGER (CONT'D)
Not with shoddy merchandize like
this.

Irwin and Gonzer are slack-jawed and concerned.

Rodger picks up an eight ball and crushes into dust in his

hands.

Irwin and Maxine are slacker-jawed. Dean looks annoyed. Gonzer

is sniffing. Bob is sizing up the situation.

Bob walks over, motions Rodger to step aside. Bob examines

the damage. He pushes up his sleeves and grabs the cue ball.
He starts to act like he's going to crush in in his one hand.

Rodger leans in to look.

Bob slugs Rodger. Rodger falls back into Rex and they both
fall into a display of darts.

They pull some darts out of their butts. As they are about to
retaliate, Dean pulls a shot gun.

DEAN
Get out of my store!

REX
You're going to love the senior
line of sporting wear we carry.

They exit, slamming the door behind them. The little bell
falls to the ground.

GONZER
They killed Tinkerbelle!

IRWIN
What?

GONZER
(whoops)
Oh, nothing.

Irwin goes to the window to watch them leave. Rex and Rodger
hop into a nice car that has a couple of GIRLS in it. They
peel out.
 8.

IRWIN
You keep a gun?

DEAN
We're a sporting goods store! Of
course we have guns. Don't worry,
it's not loaded, it's the floor
model.

BOB
How clever to defend the store
with an empty gun.

Dean puts the gun back on a wall display. It fires and blows
a hole in the dart board on the adjoining wall.

BOB (CONT'D)
Now I feel safe.

GONZER
They were wearing the same cologne.

Maxine is on her tablet.

MAXINE
They're opening next month. They
want to be up and running ahead
of the Christmas push.

DEAN
They'll open in the fall, in time
for Christmas.

MAXINE
Yes, sir.

GONZER
So? We've faced competition
before! Sports Authority,
Herman's, Sports West, that little
foreign guy with the push cart!

IRWIN
He was a tough mo-fu.

MAXINE
It's different now. Slick's has
the deepest pockets. They make a
point of moving in, underselling
the locals until they drive them
out of business, then grab the
reminding customers.
 9.

DEAN
It's different now. Slick's can
undersell us until we go belly
up. Then they'll own this town.

Maxine throws up her arms.

RWIN
Things are tight enough. We have
to forego the annual raise this
year. With Slick's in the picture,
can you stay here until we can
see how it's going to shake out?

BOB
Mr. P, how could you think we'd
abandon you? You gave us a chance
when no one else would. You took
Gonzer in when he was found in
the gutter.

GONZER
Yeah, wait, what? I was tying my
shoe!

BOB
They were velcro.

GONZER
Defective!

BOB
And little Irwin, who couldn't
find a job in his chosen college
major—

IRWIN
Flip phone repairs.

BOB
You hired us when no one else
would.

GONZER
And that wasn't a gutter. It was
a curb.

DEAN
I'm touched, boys. Touched.
 10.

INT. THE DIVE INN - NIGHT

Neighborhood bar. Bob, Gonzer, Irwin are having beers at the

far end of the bar. Bob has his hand in a cool stein of beer.

BOB
I gotta get my resume out there.

GONZER
What? Didn't you say—

BOB
Yeah, yeah, I'm just trying to
let the old boy down easy. I
don't need him stroking out on us
over this latest development.

GONZER
I hear other jobs expect results.
And get upset at 20 minute toilet
breaks.

IRWIN
And you work on commission. I'll
starve!

BOB
I got responsibilities. I have
to keep kibble on the table.

IRWIN
Where is Chuck?

BOB
In the car.

IRWIN
You left your dog in the car?
Don't you know that could kill
him? It's against the law! PETA
could come after you!

BOB
It's a convertible, Irwin.

CUT TO:

EXT. DIVE INN PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS

There's Bob's late model convertible. CHUCK the Wonder Dog is

sitting in the front seat. Rap music is playing. Chuck hits
the radio button. Rock music plays. Chuck hits it again.
"Who Let the Dogs Out" comes on.
 11.

Chuck sits back and enjoys.

CUT TO:

INT. DIVE INN - CONTINUOUS

IRWIN
The Mom and Pop stores always
take the hit, good times and bad.
Bad times are bad for everyone.
Good times mean the big chain
stores roll into town to take
your business.

GONZER
You think they're hiring?

We see a couple of OUTDOOR GUYS at the other end of the bar,

near the TV. OUTDOOR GUY 1 calls over DIANE the BARTENDER.

OUTDOOR GUY 1
Hey, can you turn on the Rafting
Channel?

Diane does a sweep; no one seems to be watching.

DIANE
Sure. Channel 125, right?

He changes it.

OUTDOOR GUY 1
That's it!

OUTDOOR GUY 2
Rafting!

OUTDOOR GUY 1
Rafting!

They hit each other over the head with beer bottles.

BOTH
Rafting!

The TV shows a rubber raft shooting the rapids.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Yes, sir, you haven't seen the
Grand Canyon until you've seen if
from the Colorado River!

Music up; scenes of shooting more rapids.

 12.

At the far end of the bar, Bob's head slowly turns toward the
TV. He looks dismayed.

IRWIN
Bob? What is it?

Bob heads to the other end of the bar.

GONZER
Bob?

Bob comes to the bar beside the Guys.

BOB
What is that?

Diane nods to the Guys.

BOB (CONT'D)
(to Guys)
What is that?

OUTDOOR GUY 1
The Rafting Channel.

OUTDOOR GUY 2
It's about rafting.

OUTDOOR GUY 1
Rafting!

OUTDOOR GUY 2
Rafting!

They smash the bottles again on each other's head. Outdoor

Guy 1 orders another round.

BOB
The Rafting Channel. Are you
kidding me? Diane, turn that
off.

OUTDOOR GUY 1
We're watching it.

Irwin and Gonzer come over.

GONZER
No, Bob.

BOB
Do you see what's on?
 13.

IRWIN
The Rafting Channel.

BOB
The Rafting Channel. You knew
about this?

GONZER
Sure. Channel 125.

BOB
How is this a thing? A rafting
channel? For who? People who
find the Golfing Channel too
taxing?

OUTDOOR GUY 2
What's wrong with rafting?

BOB
Rivers are nature's attempt to
spit us into the ocean.

IRWIN
Bob.

OUTDOOR GUY 1
So, Bob, you don't like river
rafting?

BOB
No, I do not.

OUTDOOR GUY 2
It's awesome.

BOB
I know how it works. I did it in
the war.

GONZER
What?

IRWIN
What war?

GONZER
The war on terror?

IRWIN
The war on drugs?

OUTDOOR GUY 1
The war on Christmas?
 14.

BOB
Oh, so funny. It was the Saudi
Arabia, if you must know.

OUTDOOR GUY 2
But, that's the desert.

BOB
That's what they want you to
believe—

Irwin and Gonzo direct him out.

BOB (CONT'D)
Yes, yea, time to go.

EXT. DIVE INN PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS

They all come out of the bar.

OUTDOOR GUY 1 (O.S.)

Rafting!

IRWIN
You okay to drive?

BOB
Yeah, yeah.

GONZER
Okay, see you tomorrow!

They walk off in the other direction. Bob reaches his car and
gets in. Chuck has "How Much is That Doggie in the Window"
playing.

DJ (O.S.)
And this request comes from Chuck…

BOB
Oh, so that's who's been using up
all my unlimited texting.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

He shuts the radio and drives off.

 15.

EXT. SLICK'S SPORTING GOODS STORE - DAY

Balloons, music and crowds fill the area for the grand opening
celebration. Mr. BEN TOZER, the sharp dressed, slightly oily
business man is glad-handing the customers with his son, Rex.

A car full of pretty young ladies, HEATHER, MOLLY, CORKIE and

BUFFY, pulls up in a company car with signage that reads "In
the Pink." They look at the crowds and frown. They drive
off.

The celebration continues.

CUT TO:

INT. LEPETOMANE SALES FLOOR - DAY

The group is sitting around the sales floor, deserted. Irwin

is playing with Chinese finger traps. Cricket chirps are heard.

BOB
Will you put those crickets away,
please?

At the bait stand in the fishing section. Gonzer's got the

crickets out. He slides the container back into its holder
and the sounds stop.

Phone rings.

Irwin goes to get it, but his fingers are trapped. He finally
manages to answer it.

IRWIN
Lepetomane Sporting Goods. Yes.
What? But…but…I see. Yes. Good-
bye.
(hangs up)
Well, we just lost the bowling
league.

BOB
No.

IRWIN
Yeah. Slick's gave them discounts
on shoes, balls, bags, the little
power pouches, the works!

Gonzer crushes a thermos.

 16.

BOB
Look, it's a lull. We've had
lulls before.

IRWIN
Yeah, remember when the town got
lockjaw and we lost the cheerleader
concession? Remember when that
pastor tried to outlaw dancing
and the competitive dancers fought
it? We persevered!

BOB
Why do I live in this town?

Dean comes out, Maxine in tow.

DEAN
Boys.

Gonzer tosses the thermos into the tent display. Tent

collapses.

DEAN (CONT'D)
I'm sorry. I thought we might be
able to tough it out. I counted
on the goodwill of the town to
support us.

GONZO
This town sucks!

BOB
You were born and raised here.

GONZO
Than I would know!

BOB
What's the damage, boss? How
long do I get to call you boss?

MAXINE
Well, if we tighten our belts,
reduce inventory, make some
cutbacks, turn off the unnecessary
lights, and stiff a few of our
creditors…about a month.

IRWIN
A month?
 17.

GONZER
What, like a September month or
more a February month?

MAXINE
Thirty days.

GONZER
Is that calendar days or business
days?

IRWIN
Gonzer!

DEAN
So, if you gentlemen want to start
making other plans, I'll
understand. We'll be ordering
our "going out of business" signs
and ads. But if you could see
your way to stay with us for that,
I'd appreciate it. I'd like to
go down with some dignity.

IRWIN & GONZER

Sure, Mr. P. Absolutely.

They look to Bob.

BOB
Of course.

EXT. SLICK'S SPORTING GOODS - DAY

Bob is dressed to impress. He's got a small binder. He scans

his resume one last time and enters the store.

INT. SLICK'S SPORTING GOODS - CONTINUOUS

It's a dazzling display of modern merchandising; all the sports

you know and many you don't: para-sailing; the vertical wind
tunnels for hovering; sea cycles, bob sleds, a rock climbing
wall.

Bob passes through, headed to the back.

To the sign reading "Employees Only."

INT. BACK OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

To the sign reading "Manager."

 18.

INT. MANAGER'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Bob is ushered into Tozor's office by SEXY ASSISTANT.

BOB
Nice box...store you have here.

With a wicked grin, she leaves him.

It's a small, Spartan regional office set-up. There's a second

door. A plaque on the desk reads "Mr. Tozer." Bob looks at
the photos on the wall, Tozer with the rich and famous. There's
even a picture of Tozer's main office, looking lush and lavish.

INT. GYM - CONTINUOUS

Tozer is on a treadmill, running along. He has two attractive

PERSONAL TRAINERS monitoring him. The Sexy Assistant comes
in.

SEXY ASSISTANT
Mr. Tozer, your 1:30 is here.

TOZER
Very good. I'll be right out.

She exits.

TOZER (CONT'D)
OK, ladies, I'm finishing up.

The two Personal Trainers take out a paper ribbon and stretch
it between them. Then, on each side of Tozer, they walk from
the front to the back, so Tozer can mime breaking the tape at
the finish line.

He looks at his watch.

TOZER (CONT'D)
Personal best.

PERSONAL TRAINER 1
As always, sir.

INT. MANAGER'S OFFICE - DAY

Bob is looking at several photos of Tozer rafting...With Rex???

That's when the door opens and Bill Tozer enters and takes a
seat behind the desk. He signals Bob to sit. He does.
 19.

TOZER
So, Mister...McGraw, you'd like
to work at Slick's.

BOB
In a nutshell, yes. Your chain of
stores is well known. I wasn't
expecting to be interviewing with
the top dog for a position.

TOZER
Yes. Well, I'm in town for the
opening. I like to keep my hand
on the tiller as much as possible.

BOB
I see. Stirring.

TOZER
You have a number of years
experience.

BOB
I do, sir. A number of years.
Steady, conscientious years.

TOZER
As a clerk.

BOB
Well, sir, Mr. Lepetomane wasn't
much into titles.

TOZER
Ha, yes, Lepetomane. Didn't put
up much of a fight, did he?

BOB
With the resources available.

TOZER
Ended up folding like a pup tent
in a heavy rain.

BOB
Well, to be fair, we thought they
were building a Chuck E. Cheese
here. I admit we kinda got
blindsided.

TOZER
Funny you should say that.
 20.

BOB
Funny, sir?

TOZER
This is a decision I really should
leave to the regional director
and his staff. He'll be overseeing
operations here for the foreseeable
future.

BOB
Well, sure, of course. I brought
an extra copy of my resume.

The door opens. In steps Rex, looking vindictive. Rodger,

with a black eye, is behind him along with his two cohorts,
REGGIE and ROCKY, all cut from the same WASPY mold.

BOB (CONT'D)
Oh, there's a twist O'Henry
couldn't have anticipated.

REX
I don't care about your stupid
candy bars.

BOB
Right.

TOZER
My son, Rex, has given your resume
some consideration.

Rex holds out his hand. It's filled with white confetti. He
blows it out toward Bob. Bob puts his other resume away.

TOZER (CONT'D)
He's given it a thumbs down.

BOB
I see. I hope he didn't hurt
anything when he pulled it out to
render that decision.

Rex feigns in. Bob flinches a bit.

TOZER
McGraw, you are what we in the
business world call an
underachiever.

BOB
In the academic world as well.
 21.

TOZER
I foresee a future of fast food
jobs and a double wide trailer
for you.

BOB
If it's a matter of salary, I'm
flexible.

TOZER
See Mr. McGraw out, boys.

EXT. LOADING BAY - DAY

Out by the dumpster. The four carry Bob out.

BOB
It looked bad for McGraw. Vastly
outnumbered, it was now a matter
of waiting. Waiting for his
opening.

They toss him in the dumpster.

BOB (CONT'D)
It's in! Two points!

Bob gets up, starts to climb and Rodger slugs him. Bob falls
back in.

REX
And stay down.

BOB
Hey, big guy, come on in, the
garbage's fine.

The guys go back in, back slapping and laughing.

Bob climbs out attempting to retain some dignity.

BOB (CONT'D)
McGraw would remember this time,
and remind himself that revenge
is a dish best served cold. Ala
mode, if possible.

EXT. SLICK'S PARKING LOT - DAY

Moments later Bob gets to the car. Chuck has the Barking Dogs'
version of "Jingle Bells" playing on the radio.
 22.

BOB
Really? It gets earlier every
year. Turn that off.

Chuck does. He sniffs Bob and jumps into the back seat.

BOB (CONT'D)
Fine, be that way.

INT. DIVE INN - NIGHT

Irwin, Gonzer and Bob having a round.

Bob's jaw is aching him, he holds the cold beer against it.

GONZER
So, what do we do?

IRWIN
I guess my dad can get me a job
at the glue rendering plant.

GONZER
Oh, I like horses, can I get a
job there, too?

BOB
We're victims of the big guys.
They call the shots, they do the
damage and suffer no consequences.
I want them to suffer the
consequences. I want to be the
consequences.

TV suddenly gets louder. It's EARL BURCH, the rustic owner of

the Rafting Channel.

EARL
(on TV)
I'm Earl Burch, owner and founder
of the Rafting Channel.

BOB
What is this channel still doing
on?

IRWIN
Diane lost the remote.

Diane, at the other end, shrugs.

 23.

EARL
To celebrate the 20th anniversary
of the Rafting Channel, we're
sponsoring the White Water Weekend
Tournament!

BOB
Come on, 20 years? Twenty? That
seems excessive.

EARL
In partnership with Slick's
Sporting Goods, we're inviting
everyone to enter to win…

BOB
Turn that off.

EARL
The grand prize of one million
dollars

BOB
Turn it up, turn it up.

IRWIN
What?

EARL
Go to our website to enter the
20th anniversary White Water
Rafting Million Dollar Race!

IRWIN
(pulling out cell
phone)
What's the web site?

GONZER
Www-Rafting Channel dot com.

BOB
I'm hurt you know that.

Irwin punches it in.

IRWIN
Yes. Yes. We can do this.

BOB
What?
 24.

IRWIN
We enter this race. We win. We
save Lepetomane's.

BOB
No, no, no. A raft means a river.
A river means rapids. And rapids
mean death.

IRWIN
Bob, Bob, don't you see the beauty
of it? Saving our store with the
money from Slick's?

Bob considers his sore jaw.

BOB
There is a certain poetic justice
to it.

GONZER
And I wouldn't have to cook horses.

BOB
Always a valid point

IRWIN
You know, Lepetomane is going to
be all for it.

GONZER
He hates those guys.

IRWIN
We have all the supplies in the
store. Look, there's the deadline
to enter. It's upstate, just a
few hours drive. We need a team
of four—

GONZER
We're a team of four!

The both just look at him.

IRWIN
Oh, look, they're actually
challenging other sporting goods
stores to compete.

Gonzer is figuring things out on his fingers.

BOB
That's mighty big of them.
 25.

IRWIN
You can lead us there!

BOB
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

IRWIN
You're the only one with
experience.

BOB
That was a long time ago.

IRWIN
It's like riding a bike.

BOB
In a tornado. Us, a team?

IRWIN
I used to go canoeing during summer
camp. I didn't drown!

BOB
Gonzer, you have any experience
with white water rapids?

Gonzer pulls out a souvenir photo from a log flume/Splash

Mountain-style water ride.

BOB (CONT'D)
Close enough.

IRWIN
So?

GONZO
So?

BOB
Hail Team Lepetomane!

INT. LEPETOMANE SALES FLOOR - DAY

The group and Chuck are looking at the rafts intently. Gonzer
steps up to the raft and touches the front.

GONZER
This is the front.

Chuck rolls his eyes.

 26.

BOB
Very good.

Irwin pulls out a treat and slips it to Gonzer. Chuck looks

jealous.

BOB (CONT'D)
All well and good but we need a
fourth, guys.

GONZER
Mr. Lepetomane?

BOB
I don’t think so.

IRWIN
I have this mannequin for when I
use the car pool lane.

BOB
Who do we know?

They think and think. The door to the private office is open
and there’s Maxine with a carpet sweeper going over and over a
spot. She handles the sweeper well.

The boys look at her and nod.

EXT. BACKYARD - DAY

Irwin and Gonzer are seated in an inflatable kiddie pool on

the ground. They are dressed in casual clothes.

IRWIN
Are you sure?

BOB
Baby steps, my lads. Baby steps.

Maxine comes into the yard. She’s wearing a loose, long poncho.

MAXINE
Hi, hi. Sorry I’m late. I know!
There was this cat and I had to
bury it…

BOB
That’s fine. Get in the boat.

She stops and looks around, all “what boat?” Bob points to
the pool.
 27.

BOB (CONT'D)
The boat.

IRWIN
Welcome aboard!

GONZER
Toot-toot!

She takes off her poncho. She’s wearing a bathing suit. She’s
a shapely, toned lass.

Irwin and Gonzer stare at her with new eyes.

BOB
I don’t believe I’ve ever seen
your…arms before.

MAXINE
Uncle Dean keeps the A/C on low
all year ‘round! You could store
meat in there. So, what are we
up to?

BOB
Basics. Everyone, oars up!

They scramble to get their oars, which consist of an old tennis

racket, an auto squeegee and a frying pan. Irwin chivalrously
hands the racket to Maxine.

BOB (CONT'D)
Let’s begin paddling.

MONTAGE

They’re paddling, no coordination at all.

Bob has a tambourine and is hitting a beat.

They’re paddling, back paddling, stopping.

Bob’s beat gets more elaborate They’re learning; left side

paddle, right side back paddle. Reverse, turns.

IRWIN
Wow, we’re getting good!

BOB
Pretty good. Let’s try this under
battle field conditions.

Chuck covers his eyes.

 28.

Bob pulls out a fire hose and lets it rip.

BOB (CONT'D)
Paddle! Paddle!

The water is dousing the group as they attempt to paddle.

BOB (CONT'D)
Stroke! Stroke! Ha-ha-ha!

Bob is enjoying this a little too much.

BOB (CONT'D)
More, Chuck, more!

The water pressure increases.

EXT. CURB SIDE - CONTINUOUS

Chuck is at the fire hydrant, turning the wrench to increase

the flow.

MONTAGE

EXT. AMUSEMENT RIDE - DAY

They are on line, giving tickets to a TICKET TAKER.

They board a Roaring Rapids ride.

They shoot the rapids as Bob yells stuff at them through a

megaphone.

The other RIDERS and KIDS look dismayed.

EXT. TOWN DUMP - DAY

They crouching beside an abandoned bath tub filled with water.

They’re paddling the water in the tub, learning how to dig in
and back paddle and handle the oars.

INT. LEPETOMANE SALES FLOOR - DAY

At a counter, they are packing wet bags with supplies. Bob

inspects. Each is satisfactory. He gets to Gonzer. He picks
it up and dumps it. Nothing but beers and Twinkies spill out.
 29.

EXT. LAKE - DAY

The group is at the lake, approaching a small dock.

GONZER
I got us a practice raft!

They reach it. It’s a log raft.

GONZER (CONT'D)
Pretty great, right?

BOB
Oh, sure, great. If you’re Huck
Finn and I’m Tom Sawyer.

MAXINE
Oh-oh, can I be Becky?

Bob gives her a look.

MAXINE (CONT'D)
What? I never get to be Becky.

EXT. LAKE - LATER

They are out on the lake trying to get some practice time.

Suddenly they’re passed by Heather, Molly, Corky and Buffy in

a canoe. They are paddling hard and looking good.

The group watches them pass; a sleek, efficient juggernaut.

Beat.

IRWIN
How come you don’t have us doing
that?

GONZER
Yeah.

Bob pushes them both off the raft.

EXT. RAFT RENTAL BOOTH - DAY

The gang are at the booth returning their pools. Heather and
her girls come up with their paddles.

Heather and Bob exchange glances. He's in.

 30.

BOB
Nice effort out there ladies.

HEATHER
Thank you. You were an inspiration
to us.

BOB
Well, it's a privilege to volunteer
for these developmentally
challenged groups.

GONZER
Hey!

Bob pulls out some bills and hands them to Gonzer.

BOB
Ice cream time!

Gonzer is off looking for the truck. Maxine rolls her eyes
and follows, as does Irwin, trying to chat up Maxine.

HEATHER
That's very touching.

BOB
I'm very touchy.

HEATHER
I said touching.

BOB
So, come here often?

BUFFY
You're on your own, honey.

Corky and Molly head off with her.

HEATHER
I suppose you'll want to ask if
I'm on Facebook next.

BOB
Ha, he says to himself, here's a
striking woman who knows a come-
on when she hears one, who knows
a jerk when she sees one. A woman
that's worth a sacrifice. No
matter what the personal cost.

Heather eyes Bob.

 31.

BOB (CONT'D)
He thinks he's got her where he
wants her but he has to make sure.
He tries the next line.
(suave)
Can I buy you a cone?

Heather tries to hide her intrigue. She shakes her head "no."

BOB
She refuses with a shake of her
beautiful head. Perfect. She's
passed the second test. But she's
not an easy mark. Still, he must
try the last line. A line so
totally hackneyed, so unoriginal
that he takes the chance of being
branded a major gonad for the
rest of his natural life...But
it's a chance he's willing to
take.
(Suave)
How about those Yankees?

That gets her. She laughs.

Just then, there's a car horn. It's Heather's group in their

pink "In the Pink" car.

MOLLY
Heather! We have to go!

Bob

Impeccable timing. Is that a fall back thing?

Heather

No, honestly. We have to go. Planning to raft some more?

Bob

We'll be here.

Heather

See you around then!

She hustles off.

Gonzer and the others return. Gonzer offers Bob a cone. He

takes it.
 32.

EXT. LEPETOMANE PARKING LOT - DAY

The group is loading supplies and gear into a SUV.

IRWIN
Thanks for the wheels, Mr. P.

DEAN
Happy to do it. Contributing in
my own way. Remember, it’s a
rental. I don’t want to lose my
deposit!

IRWIN
No, sir.

DEAN
Now go beat the tar off those
clowns!

They cheer and chant and get in the car. It goes in reverse.
Then jerks forward.

BOB
Got it! Got it!

They exit the frame. A loud scrape and car alarm is heard.

BOB (O.S.) (CONT'D)

Speed bump!