MEAN GIRLS

ACT 01: ABOUT REGINA GEORGE

Cheerleader girl/Andy: Regina George is flawless, she is a fashionista and her confidence
is awesome! I heard that her hair is insured for $10000 and she does car commercials… in
Japan. She is an icon in this school, when I got here she already had been elected as
Spring Fling Queen ten times! (Excited)

Nerd girl/Angie: One time, she punched me in the face. It was awesome. (Emo girl/Ana
looks at her awkwardly) That encourages me to follow my dreams, some people say if
you’re punched by Regina you will have luck for your entire life because her favorite movie
is Varsity blues and she met John Stamos on a plane, he told her she was pretty. Dreams
can be true! (Happy)

Emo girl/Ana: Regina is that typical blonde rich girl who has everything and I don’t know
why everyone here love her, so we just follow that trend and I want to be like her too.
Someone told me that she went to one of my chemical romance’s concerts and Gerard
Way dedicated a song to her. If that it’s true, I would start to think she’s really God.
(Emotionless)

Cheerleader girl/Andy: One time, I asked her fashion tips and she offered me to gift me
some clothes from Gucci, she is such a generous person. (Happy)

Nerd girl/Angie: Yeah, she gifted me these glasses from Prada as an apology for punching
my face, she really made up for it! (Excited)

Emo girl: One of my friends received from Regina a signed CD by Gerard. (Bored)

(Regina passes by) Regina/Linsy: Hi girls!

Andy/Angie: Oh my god, she is so amazing. (Surprised)

(Emo girl rolls her eyes)

Emo girl/Ana: Sometimes they take it so extreme but Regina shines by herself, more than
me. (Bored but surprised)
 ACT 02: MEET THE PLASTICS

Ms. Norberry/Alexandra: Hey, everybody! I see some new faces so, here is Mr. Duvall and
he is going to say something. (Happy)

Director Duvall/Daniel: Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that we have a new
student joining us. She just moved here all the way from Africa. (Serious)

Ms. Norberry/Alexandra: Welcome! (Happier than before)

Director Duvall/Daniel: Her name is Cady. Cady Heron. Where are you, Cady?

Cady/Valentina: That's me. It's pronounced like Katie.

Director Duvall/Daniel: My apologies. I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how
mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact
that my sister named him Anfernee.

Ms. Norberry/Alexandra: Well, welcome, Cady. And thank you, Mr. Duvall.

(Later)

Damian/Oscar: Is that your natural hair color? (Surprised)

Cady/Valentina: Yeah.

Damian/Oscar: It's gorgeous. (Amazed)

Cady/Valentina: Thank you!

Janis/Heri: This is Damian. He's almost too gay to function. (Annoyed)

Cady/Valentina: Nice to meet you! (Friendly)

Janis/Heri: I'm Janis. (Bored tone)

Cady/Valentina: Hi, I'm Cady. Do you guys know where Room G 14 is?

Janis/Heri: I think that's in the back building.

Damian/Oscar: Yeah, we'll take you there.

Cady/Valentina: Thanks.

(At the cafeteria)

Damian/Oscar: In the name of all that is holy, will you look at Karen Smith's gym clothes?
(Surprised)
Janis/Heri: Of course all The Plastics are in the same gym class. (Exasperated)

Cady/Valentina: Who are The Plastics? (Curious)

Damian/Oscar: They're teen royalty. (Suspirando ¿)

Janis/Heri: That one there, that's Karen Smith. She is one of the dumbest girls you will
ever meet. Damian sat next to her in English last year. And that little one? That's
Gretchen Wieners. She knows everybody's business. She knows everything about
everyone.

Damian/Oscar: That's why her hair is so big. It's full of secrets.

Janis/Heri: And evil takes a human form in Regina George. Don't be fooled, because she
may seem like your typical selfish and back-stabbing person. But in reality, she is so much
more than that. (Angry)

Damian/Oscar: She's the queen bee. The star. Those other two are just her little workers.

(Regina appears and grabs Cady)

Regina/Linsy: Is he bothering you? (Unkind)

Damian/Oscar: I’m just being friendly.

Regina/Linsy: Wait. Sit down. Seriously, sit down. Why don’t I know you?

Cady/Valentina: I’m new. I just moved here from Africa.

Regina/Linsy: What?

Cady/Valentina: I used to be home-schooled.

Regina/Linsy: Wait. What?

Cady/Valentina: My mom taught me at home...

Regina/Linsy: No, no. I know what home-school is. I’m not retarded. So you’ve actually
never been to a real school before? Shut up. Shut up.

Cady/Valentina: I didn’t say anything.

Karen/Sofia: So if you’re from Africa, why are you white?

Gretchen/Gisbelis: Oh my God, Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re white.

Regina/Linsy: OK, you should just know that we don’t do this a lot, so this is, like, a really
huge deal. We want to invite you to have lunch with us every day for the rest of the week.
Karen/Sofia: On Wednesdays, we wear pink.

Cady/Valentina: Oh, okay!

(Another day)

Gretchen/Gisbelis: So have you seen any guys that you think are cute yet?

Cady/Valentina: Well, there’s this guy in my calculus class...

Karen/Sofia: Who is it?

Gretchen/Gisbelis: It’s a senior?

Cady/Valentina: His name’s Aaron Samuels.

Gretchen/Gisbelis: No! Oh, no, you can’t like Aaron Samuels. That’s Regina’s ex-boyfriend.

Karen/Sofia: They went out for a year.

Gretchen/Gisbelis: Yeah, and then she was devastated when he broke up with her last
summer.

Karen/Sofia: I thought she dumped him for Shane Oman.

Gretchen/Gisbelis: OK, irregardless. Ex-boyfriends are just off-limits to friends. I mean,

(Two weeks later)

Cady/Valentina: Hey, I'm totally lost. Can you help me?

Aaron/Fabian: Yeah. It's a factorial, so you multiply each one by N.

Cady/Valentina: Is that the summation?

Aaron/Fabian: Yeah, they're the same thing.

Cady/Valentina: Thanks. I... I get it now.

Aaron/Fabian: Do you know Regina? I have seen you with her lately.

Cady/Valentina: Oh, yeah. I think we’re friends.

Aaron/Fabian: You need to watch out with her, she can be a little bit of perfectionist and she
overreacts to things.

(Awkward silence)
Aaron/Fabian: Do you want to go to her Halloween party with me? Since you’re friends I think
she doesn’t mind if you hang out with me, you seem really nice. I heard that you lived Africa.

Cady/Valentina: Oh yeah, sure. That’s true.

Aaron/Fabian: So, you’re a wild girl.

(Awkward silence again)

ACT 03: BURN BOOK

GRETCHEN: Come check it out, Cady. It’s our Burn Book. See, we cut out girls’ pictures
from the yearbook, and then we wrote comments.

KAREN: (READING THE BURN BOOK) “Trang Pak is a grotsky little byotch.”

REGINA: Still true.

GRETCHEN: (READING THE BURN BOOK) “Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin.”

REGINA: Still half true.

KAREN: (READING THE BURN BOOK) “Amber D’Alessio.” She made out with a hot dog.

GRETCHEN: (READING THE BURN BOOK) “Janis Ian, dyke.”

KAREN: Who is that?

GRETCHEN: I think that’s that kid Damian.

CADY: Yeah. He’s almost too gay to function.

REGINA: That’s funny. Put that in there.

CADY: (VO) Oh, no. Maybe that was only OK when Janis said it.

CADY: And they have this Burn Book where they write mean things about all the girls in
our grade.

JANIS: What does it say about me?

CADY: You’re not in it.

JANIS: Those bitches.

++
DUVALL: Never in my 14 years as an educator have I seen such behavior. And from young
ladies. I got parents calling me on the phone asking, "Did someone get shot?" I ought to
cancel your Spring Fling.

ALL: No!

GRETCHEN: No.

KAREN: What are we supposed to do?

DUVALL: Now, I'm not gonna do that, because we've already paid the DJ. But don't think
that I'm not taking this book seriously. Coach Carr has fled school property. Ms. Norbury
has been accused of selling drugs. Now, what the young ladies in this grade need is an
attitude makeover. And you're gonna get it right now. I don't care how long it takes, I will
keep you here all night.

ANNOUNCEMENTS TEACHER: We can't keep them past 4.

DUVALL: I will keep you here until 4. Now, what we're gonna try to do is fix the way you
young ladies relate to each other. OK? Lady to lady. So who has a lady problem that
they'd like to talk about? Yes?

TAMPON GIRL: Somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin because I
use super-jumbo tampons. But I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide-set
vagina.

DUVALL: Yeah, I can't do this. Ms. Norbury. You're a successful, intelligent, caring,
graceful woman.

MS NORBURY: I am?

DUVALL: There has to be something you can say to these young ladies. Something to help
them with their self-esteem?

MS NORBURY: It's not a self-esteem problem. I think they're all pretty pleased with
themselves. OK. OK, uh. Everybody close your eyes. I want you to raise your hand if you
have ever had a girl say something bad about you behind your back. Open your eyes.
Now, close your eyes again. And this time, I want you to raise your hand if you have ever
said anything about a friend behind her back. Open them. There's been some girl-on-girl
crime here. OK. So, what we could do today is a couple exercises to help you express your
anger in a healthy way. Let's start over here.

Ms. Norbury had us confront each other directly about the things that were bothering us.
And it seemed like every clique had its own problems.

JOCK GIRL 2: You've been acting really stuck-up ever since you switched to shortfielder.
And Dawn agrees with me.
JOCK GIRL 3: Dawn?

JOCK GIRL 1: Don't drag me into this, I'm pitching tomorrow.

MS NORBURY: OK. Good.

REGINA: Can I just say that we don't have a clique problem at this school? And some of
us shouldn't have to take this workshop, because some of us are just victims in this
situation.

MS NORBURY: That's probably true. How many of you have ever felt personally victimized
by Regina George? Good. OK, who's next? Who's next? Cady. Do you have anything you
wanna own up to?

CADY: No.

MS NORBURY: You never made up a rumor about anybody?

CADY: No.

MS NORBURY: Nothing you want to apologize for?

CADY: No.

MS NORBURY: I'm really disappointed in you, Cady. OK, so we're all here because of this
book, right? Well, I don't know who wrote this book, but you all have got to stop calling
each other sluts and whores. It just makes it OK for guys to call you sluts and whores.
Who here has ever been called a slut? OK, everybody up.

Ms. Norbury had us write out apologies to people that we'd hurt in our lives.

BLACK GIRL: Alyssa, I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It's not your fault you're
so gap-toothed.

KAREN: Gretchen, I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes and
Noble. And I'm sorry I told everyone about it. And I'm sorry for repeating it now.

WHEELCHAIR GIRL: Laura, I don't hate you because you're fat. You're fat because I hate
you.

FEELINGS GIRL: I just wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish
that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles, and we'd all eat it and be
happy.

DAMIAN: She doesn't even go here.

MS NORBURY: Do you even go to this school?

MS NORBURY: OK, go home.

DUVALL: Sharon, I think you're doing a great job.

MS NORBURY: Thanks. I feel like I'm getting through.

GRETCHEN: I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me. But I can't help it that I'm popular.

MS NORBURY: Oh, my God! Oh, jeez. OK, walk it off. Walk it off.

GRETCHEN: OK. That hurt.

MS NORBURY: They're OK. They're OK. Oh, boy. OK, who's next? Who's next? Keep it
going.

REGINA: Oh, my God. It's her dream come true, diving into a big pile of girls.

JANIS: OK, yeah, I've got an apology. So I have this friend who is a new student this year.
And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Regina George's life. So I had her
pretend to be friends with Regina, and then she would come to my house after and we
would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Regina said. And we gave her these candy bar
things that would make her gain weight, and we turned her best friends against her. And
then... Oh, yeah, Cady… You know my friend Cady. She made out with Regina's boyfriend
and then convinced him to break up with her. Oh, God, and we gave you foot cream
instead of face wash. God! I am so sorry, Regina. Really, I don't know why I did it. I guess
it's probably because I've got a big lesbian crush on you. Suck on that!

EVERYONE: Janis! Janis! Janis! Janis!

CADY: Regina! Regina, wait! I didn't mean for that to happen.

REGINA: To find out that everyone hates me? I don't care.

CADY: Regina, please! Regina, stop!

REGINA: No! Do you know what everyone says about you? They say that you're a home-
schooled jungle freak, who's a less-hot version of me. Yeah. So don't try to act so
innocent. You can take that fake apology and shove it right up your hairy...

CADY: (VO) And that's how Regina George died. No, I'm totally kidding. But she did get
hurt. Some girls say they saw her head go all the way around. But that's just a rumor.
Some people swear they saw me push her in front of the bus. That was an even worse
rumor.