CONFIDENT OPENERS:
– Just got a haircut without running it by my mom. NBD.
– Hey there, pretty lady. What should we order for breakfast the morning after our date? KEEP IN MIND,
I AM GLUTEN INTOLERANT AND ALLERGIC TO NUTS.
– I’m not saying I’m the type you can take home to your mom, but I’m definitely the type you can take
home. Please do, actually, I’m homeless :(.
CURRENT EVENT OPENERS:
– How ‘bout this Crimea and Russia situation? You know what else is a Crimea? That you and I aren’t
getting a drink right now.
– After looking at your pictures, my pants feel like Syria—a lot of unrest.
– My heart’s breaking over these bloody insurgencies around the world. I just wish there was more I
could do, ya know? Do you like making out?
FLIRTY OPENERS:
– Hey cutie. You look like my step-sister… I’ve always had a crush on her.
– Do you know how to play pool? If not, I could seductively come up behind you and teach you. Full
Disclosure: I’ve never actually played pool.
– FYI: I like being big spoon. But I’ve been known to do some little spoon, hehe. I’m also a fantastic fork.
Ugh, I’m out of forks right now. It’s so annoying because I don’t own a dishwasher. Technically I do, but
it’s such a piece of shit. It doesn’t work. What were we talking about?
EMO OPENERS:
– What’s the point of having a partner when we all die alone? But, I guess, if there’s anyone I’d be okay
with wasting away the rest of my life with, it’d be you.
– Sometimes I feel like I could go missing for weeks before anyone even noticed. I’d definitely notice if
you went missing, on account of your nice boobs.
– I think I love you more than I’ve ever loved myself.
EDGY OPENERS:
– If you had to commit genocide, what race of people would you do it to and why?
– Standard rules dictate that you shouldn’t talk about politics or religion on a first date… I won Student
Council President in seventh grade, same year that I had my Bar Mitzvah. I don’t play by the rules…
– I curse in front of my parents… what the fuck are they gonna do about it?
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MANLY OPENERS:
– Just sitting here drinking a beer and watching the game. Also, checking out an adult film on my laptop
and calling my friend derogatory names. Impressed?
– My beard is growing its own beard.
– Hey, tits. One time I threw a football so hard, I almost dropped my whiskey, but I was able to catch it
with my elephant trunk of a penis.
POLITICAL OPENERS:
– Hilary Clinton really seems like she’s positioning herself to take a run at president in 2016. I’d like to
position my groin to take a run at you.
– Just enrolled for health insurance via Obamacare. Says it covers my dependents too. Any interest in
filling that opening?
– I’m not much of a political guy, but I just had to let you know that after going through your pics, I’m
rocking a pretty hard John Boehner.
PHILOSOPHICAL OPENERS:
– Sometimes I question why God allows bad things to happen to good people. For example, how have
we never gone on a date?
– Fuck, Marry, Kill: Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Dostoyevsky?
– If the technology existed, do you think it would be ethical for scientists to clone you? And if so, do you
think your clone would be down for a threesome? Bring it up to her casually.
SELF-CONSCIOUS OPENERS:
– Can’t believe we matched together. You’re so pretty, and physically speaking, I am simply hideous. I
was cast to play the Hunchback in my school play, and we weren’t even doing The Hunchback of Notre
Dame. It was for The Lion King. They added a hunchback just for me. Anyway, how are you?
– I feel silly asking you this, you probably get hit up by like fifty guys a day, I know you’re out of my
league, and there’s no shot you’ll ever respond to this, but I just wanted to say, this is so stupid, you’re
probably showing this to all your friends right now and laughing, my god, I am just not cut out for this…
*sigh*… how was your day?
– We both know where this is heading. Let’s cut to the chase—call me an insensitive, self-involved,
immature asshole and break up with me.
AGGRESSIVE OPENERS:
– Ya know what the difference is between you and an angel? I’ve never masturbated to a picture of an
angel.
– I’ve thought it over, and I’m okay with you keeping our yet-to-be-conceived baby.
– Tell me about the biggest trauma in your life, give me your address, leave the door unlocked, I’ll be
there in fifteen.
OMINOUS OPENERS:
– Your bedroom is such a mess…
– I would hate it if you met an untimely demise prior to our first date…
– We would’ve made such a good couple. Real shame…
SENSITIVE OPENERS:
– So exhausted. Been playing with my nephew and his new puppy in a flower patch all day while helping
to feed the homeless.
– I love my mom, and my grandma, and my sister. I pretty much love and respect all women. Except for
my Aunt Janice, she’s a dumb bitch.
– Just wanted you to know that it doesn’t matter why you’re annoyed with your roommate right now, I
agree with you 100% and am here for you.
CONFUSING OPENERS:
-and trust me, that’s being generous. Hold on I have a call on the other line. Hello?
– I don’t give a holy hell what Oprah says, I refuse to acknowledge Wiccans as a political party.
– Congratulations! Thank you for enrolling in a relationship with (your name). To continue receiving
these messages, reply ‘HEY’. To unsubscribe, reply ‘FUCK OFF’.
