I love you cause you make my present perfect
I hate you because you make my future tense
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double
negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains
a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a
negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
I can keep quiet in every language ever spoken
I wanne be a schwa, it's never stressed.
The past,the present and the future walked into a bar.It was tense.
Byelingual: when you start mixing up your languages and lose proficiency in all of them.
We're Mexican so Our Language and life is a joke
He was born and lived a critic, but he'll never diacritic!
2. A philosopher asked a linguist: what if women had apostrophes instead of periods? The linguist
says "then women would become more possessive and would have more frequent contractions."
3. What shoes do linguists wear? Converse.
4. So, yeah, I was hit on by a linguist. She asked if we could conjugate, but I had to decline.
5. How would you know if you're hiking past linguists' campsite? You'd be walking past tents.
6. What's a world renowned linguist? A figure of speech.
7. My father's really into dirty jokes, so one day, I said, "Dad, you're such a cunning linguist," he
laughed and retorted "Son, that was such a low-hanging fruit, it was slapping the back of my
thighs."
8. Eating your family is wrong, but eating your wife isn't. This sounds wrong, but I'm no cunning
linguistic.
9. An anti-semantic walks into a synagogue, the linguists in the group are offended and leave.
Conversation between a ruler and a rock - "You rule" "You rock"
Grammar: the difference between feeling "your nuts" and feeling "you're nuts".
"A woman, without her man, is nothing"
"A woman: without her, man is nothing"
Punctuation is powerful
What do you call a very crafty linguist?
A cunning linguist!
A teacher asked for her students, Jim and Steve, to describe a man who recently overcame a cold.
Steve said, "the man had a cold". This made the teacher most upset, because it was not proper. Jim
said, "the man had had a cold". This comment brought the teacher much joy, for it was correct. You
see, Jim, while Steve had had "had", had had "had had". "Had had" had had a much better effect on
the teacher.
My father was a nun. - No he wasn´t - Yes, he was. Every time he appeared in court and they asked
his occupation he'd say nun (none)
How is it called a person who speaks 3 languages? Trilingual, one who speaks 2? Bilingual, one
with just one? American
They say stop philosophizing but I Kant.
Guy: "Which Dan did you invite to the party, cannibal Dan or Dan who can't spell?"
Neighbour *checks phone message* "I can't wait to meat you!"
Neighbour: "Yeah...I'm not sure"
Two fish in a tank. One looks at the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Knock knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
To WHOM
What does a skeleton say before lunch?...Bone appetit!
Geology rocks but geography is where it's at.
Two Indians talking in a restaurant, “No, you are wrong, it is not whooomb, it is woooombah!”
No, YOU are wrong, it isn’t woooombah, it it definitely whoomb!”
At this point an English person, joins the conversation, and says, “I think you are both wrong, the
word is pronounced ‘womb’!”
To which both Indians reply…
“Sir, we very much doubt that you have seen an elephant with Excessive flatulence, let alone heard
one fart!!”
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control her pupils.
Three intransitive sentences walk into a bar.
They sit.
They drink.
They leave.
''What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing himself in spanish?''
Why is 10 afraid of 7?
Because seven ate nine!
Children around the world are usually kind, but German kids are Kinder.
Two cats were swimming across a river. One cat was named Onetwothree the other was called
Undeuxtrois. Only one cat made it to the other side. Which one?
Onetwothree. Undeuxtrois quatre cinq.
Freud: What is between fear and sex?
Einstein: Fünf!
A Frenchman in sandals: Philippe Philoppe
Why did the man throw the butter out the window? To see the butter fly.
Why the skeleton didn't cross the street? Because he didn't have the guts to do it
Your mother is so poor that she can't even pay attention..
A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he
decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting
into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get scrod around here?" "Sure," said
the cabdriver. "I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear someone use the third-
person pluperfect indicative anymore!"
“Mark, my words”
*mark brings me my dictionary*
“Thank you, mark”
One from Japan!
Q: How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
A: You Pokemon!
(Poke him on ?)
What's better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
The worlds most dangerous insect?
The hepatitis b
The worls most dangerous ocean?
Hepatitis c
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him “Would you like a drink?” He said “I don’t
think so.”
And he disappeared.
Past and present got into a fight.
It was really tense!
