How Using Social Media Affects Teenagers
Experts say kids are growing up with more anxiety and less self-esteem.
By Rachel Ehmke
Many parents worry about how exposure to technology might affect toddlers developmentally.
We know our preschoolers are picking up new social and cognitive skills at a stunning pace, and we
don’t want hours spent glued to an iPad to impede that. But adolescence is an equally important period
of rapid development, and too few of us are paying attention to how our teenagers’ use of technology—
much more intense and intimate than a 3-year-old playing with dad’s iPhone—is affecting them. In fact,
experts worry that the social media and text messages that have become so integral to teenage life are
promoting anxiety and lowering self-esteem.
Young people report that there might be good reason to worry. A survey conducted by the
Royal Society for Public Health asked 14-24 year olds in the UK how social media platforms impacted
their health and wellbeing. The survey results found that Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram
all led to increased feelings of depression, anxiety, poor body image and loneliness.
Indirect communication
Teens are masters at keeping themselves occupied in the hours after school until way past
bedtime. When they’re not doing their homework (and when they are) they’re online and on their
phones, texting, sharing, trolling, scrolling, you name it. Of course before everyone had an Instagram
account teens kept themselves busy, too, but they were more likely to do their chatting on the phone, or
in person when hanging out at the mall. It may have looked like a lot of aimless hanging around, but
what they were doing was experimenting, trying out skills, and succeeding and failing in tons of tiny
real-time interactions that kids today are missing out on. For one thing, modern teens are learning to do
most of their communication while looking at a screen, not another person.
“As a species we are very highly attuned to reading social cues,” says Dr. Catherine Steiner-
Adair, a clinical psychologist and author of The Big Disconnect. “There’s no question kids are missing
out on very critical social skills. In a way, texting and online communicating—it’s not like it creates a
nonverbal learning disability, but it puts everybody in a nonverbal disabled context, where body
language, facial expression, and even the smallest kinds of vocal reactions are rendered invisible.”
Lowering the risks
Certainly speaking indirectly creates a barrier to clear communication, but that’s not all.
Learning how to make friends is a major part of growing up, and friendship requires a certain amount
of risk-taking. This is true for making a new friend, but it’s also true for maintaining friendships. When
there are problems that need to be faced—big ones or small ones—it takes courage to be honest about
your feelings and then hear what the other person has to say. Learning to effectively cross these bridges
is part of what makes friendship fun and exciting, and also scary. “Part of healthy self-esteem is knowing
how to say what you think and feel even when you’re in disagreement with other people or it feels
emotionally risky,” notes Dr. Steiner-Adair.
But when friendship is conducted online and through texts, kids are doing this in a context
stripped of many of the most personal—and sometimes intimidating—aspects of communication. It’s
easier to keep your guard up when you’re texting, so less is at stake. You aren’t hearing or seeing the
effect that your words are having on the other person. Because the conversation isn’t happening in real
time, each party can take more time to consider a response. No wonder kids say calling someone on the
phone is “too intense”—it requires more direct communication, and if you aren’t used to that it may
well feel scary.
If kids aren’t getting enough practice relating to people and getting their needs met in person
and in real time, many of them will grow up to be adults who are anxious about our species’ primary
means of communication—talking. And of course social negotiations only get riskier as people get
older and begin navigating romantic relationships and employment.
Cyberbullying and the imposter syndrome
The other big danger that comes from kids communicating more indirectly is that it has gotten
easier to be cruel. “Kids text all sorts of things that you would never in a million years contemplate
saying to anyone’s face,” says Dr. Donna Wick, a clinical and developmental psychologist. She notes
that this seems to be especially true of girls, who typically don’t like to disagree with each other in “real
life.”
“You hope to teach them that they can disagree without jeopardizing the relationship, but what
social media is teaching them to do is disagree in ways that are more extreme and do jeopardize the
relationship. It’s exactly what you don’t want to have happen,” she says.
Dr. Steiner-Adair agrees that girls are particularly at risk. “Girls are socialized more to compare
themselves to other people, girls in particular, to develop their identities, so it makes them more
vulnerable to the downside of all this.” She warns that a lack of solid self-esteem is often to blame. “We
forget that relational aggression comes from insecurity and feeling awful about yourself, and wanting
to put other people down so you feel better.”
Peer acceptance is a big thing for adolescents, and many of them care about their image as much
as a politician running for office, and to them it can feel as serious. Add to that the fact that kids today
are getting actual polling data on how much people like them or their appearance via things like “likes.”
It’s enough to turn anyone’s head. Who wouldn’t want to make herself look cooler if she can? So kids
can spend hours pruning their online identities, trying to project an idealized image. Teenage girls sort
through hundreds of photos, agonizing over which ones to post online. Boys compete for attention by
trying to out-gross one other, pushing the envelope as much as they can in the already disinhibited
atmosphere online. Kids gang up on each other.
Adolescents have always been doing this, but with the advent of social media they are faced
with more opportunities—and more traps—than ever before. When kids scroll through their feeds and
see how great everyone seems, it only adds to the pressure. We’re used to worrying about the impractical
ideals that photoshopped magazine models give to our kids, but what happens with the kid next door is
photoshopped, too? Even more confusing, what about when your own profile doesn’t really represent
the person that you feel like you are on the inside?
“Adolescence and the early twenties in particular are the years in which you are acutely aware
of the contrasts between who you appear to be and who you think you are,” says Dr. Wick. “It’s similar
to the ‘imposter syndrome’ in psychology. As you get older and acquire more mastery, you begin to
realize that you actually are good at some things, and then you feel that gap hopefully narrow. But
imagine having your deepest darkest fear be that you aren’t as good as you look, and then imagine
needing to look that good all the time! It’s exhausting.”
As Dr. Steiner-Adair explains, “Self-esteem comes from consolidating who you are.” The more
identities you have, and the more time you spend pretending to be someone you aren’t, the harder it’s
going to be to feel good about yourself.
Stalking (and being ignored)
Another big change that has come with new technology and especially smart phones is that we
are never really alone. Kids update their status, share what they’re watching, listening to, and reading,
and have apps that let their friends know their specific location on a map at all times. Even if a person
isn’t trying to keep his friends updated, he’s still never out of reach of a text message. The result is that
kids feel hyperconnected with each other. The conversation never needs to stop, and it feels like there’s
always something new happening.
“Whatever we think of the ‘relationships’ maintained and in some cases initiated on social
media, kids never get a break from them,” notes Dr. Wick. “And that, in and of itself, can produce
anxiety. Everyone needs a respite from the demands of intimacy and connection; time alone to regroup,
replenish and just chill out. When you don’t have that, it’s easy to become emotionally depleted, fertile
ground for anxiety to breed.”
It’s also surprisingly easy to feel lonely in the middle of all that hyperconnection. For one thing,
kids now know with depressing certainty when they’re being ignored. We all have phones and we all
respond to things pretty quickly, so when you’re waiting for a response that doesn’t come, the silence
can be deafening. The silent treatment might be a strategic insult or just the unfortunate side effect of
an online adolescent relationship that starts out intensely but then fades away.
“In the old days when a boy was going to break up with you, he had to have a conversation
with you. Or at least he had to call,” says Dr. Wick. “These days he might just disappear from your
screen, and you never get to have the ‘What did I do?’ conversation.” Kids are often left imagining the
worst about themselves.
But even when the conversation doesn’t end, being in a constant state of waiting can still
provoke anxiety. We can feel ourselves being put on the back burner, we put others back there, and our
very human need to communicate is effectively delegated there, too.
What should parents do?
Both experts interviewed for this article agreed that the best thing parents can do to minimize
the risks associated with technology is to curtail their own consumption first. It’s up to parents to set a
good example of what healthy computer usage looks like. Most of us check our phones or our email too
much, out of either real interest or nervous habit. Kids should be used to seeing our faces, not our heads
bent over a screen. Establish technology-free zones in the house and technology-free hours when no
one uses the phone, including mom and dad. “Don’t walk in the door after work in the middle of a
conversation,” Dr. Steiner-Adair advises. “Don’t walk in the door after work, say ‘hi’ quickly, and then
‘just check your email.’ In the morning, get up a half hour earlier than your kids and check your email
then. Give them your full attention until they’re out the door. And neither of you should be using phones
in the car to or from school because that’s an important time to talk.”
Not only does limiting the amount of time you spend plugged in to computers provide a healthy
counterpoint to the tech-obsessed world, it also strengthens the parent-child bond and makes kids feel
more secure. Kids need to know that you are available to help them with their problems, talk about their
day, or give them a reality check.
“It is the mini-moments of disconnection, when parents are too focused on their own devices
and screens, that dilute the parent-child relationship,” Dr. Steiner-Adair warns. And when kids start
turning to the Internet for help or to process whatever happened during the day, you might not like what
happens. “Tech can give your children more information that you can, and it doesn’t have your values,”
notes Dr. Steiner-Adair. “It won’t be sensitive to your child’s personality, and it won’t answer his
question in a developmentally appropriate way.”
In addition Dr. Wick advises delaying the age of first use as much as possible. “I use the same
advice here that I use when talking about kids and alcohol—try to get as far as you can without anything
at all.” If your child is on Facebook, Dr. Wick says that you should be your child’s friend and monitor
her page. But she advises against going through text messages unless there is cause for concern. “If you
have a reason to be worried then okay, but it better be a good reason. I see parents who are just plain
old spying on their kids. Parents should begin by trusting their children. To not even give your kid the
benefit of the doubt is incredibly damaging to the relationship. You have to feel like your parents think
you’re a good kid.”
Offline, the gold standard advice for helping kids build healthy self-esteem is to get them
involved in something that they’re interested in. It could be sports or music or taking apart computers
or volunteering—anything that sparks an interest and gives them confidence. When kids learn to feel
good about what they can do instead of how they look and what they own, they’re happier and better
prepared for success in real life. That most of these activities also involve spending time interacting
with peers face-to-face is just the icing on the cake.
