Gallirei Weekend 2018: Remember Him; Remember Me

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/16361189.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Relationship: Gallirei - Relationship, Reiner Braun/Porco Galliard
Character: Reiner Braun, Porco Galliard
Additional Tags: Memory Loss, Comfort, Nightmares, Fluff, Forgiveness, Missing
Moments
Stats: Published: 2018-10-21 Words: 2827

Gallirei Weekend 2018: Remember Him; Remember Me

by Rynmaru

Summary

Porco Galliard doesn't think he will ever forgive Reiner Braun for allowing his brother to die
and returning with nothing to show for the price his brother paid. But years of struggling and
watching Reiner struggle with his own dual nature might just change his mind and his heart.

My submission for the angst themed Saturday of Gallirei Weekend 2018. The theme was
initially going to be nightmares but it ended up morphing into memories and general angst.
Anyways I've been dying to actually write something like this and this weekend seemed like
a good excuse and motivator so enjoy!

It started the first night after Porco had inherited the Jaw titan. The nightmares that kept him in a
constant state of unrest, the details of them slipping away and leaving him only with the lingering
sense of cold dread in his gut upon waking. At first he would curl up under the covers and try to
return to sleep, but soon enough he learned just how persistent these dreams were, returning with a
vengeance that seemed to pointed, too targeted, to be random.

He had witnessed the fits Marcel had gone through upon inheriting the Jaw titan and all the
memories of the previous owner, but experiencing them was entirely different. The seizures, the
nausea, the fever. There was nothing remotely easy about taking up the Warriors’ mantel.

As Porco shuffled from the bathroom back to his room he swayed a bit, hand out and sliding over the
wall to steady himself, his mouth tasting sour and his throat sore with the acidic afterburn of bile. The
dark hall seemed to spin before him and he leaned against the wall for a moment, taking a few
shuddering breaths and resting his forehead on the cool plaster, the temperature soothing his fever-
dry skin however briefly. He could hear crying as if from a long way off. Was it him? He could no
longer tell.

He should go back to the bedroom. He should keep moving before anyone came along and saw him.
He was not the strong Warrior he was supposed to be. He was sick and falling apart from the inside
out. But even as a small part of him worried over his image, the larger part gave up, his legs feeling
as supportive as water as he sank to the floor, breathing hard.

The faint crying stopped and the sound of a door opening down the hall reached Porco’s ears but he
no longer had the strength to look up, even as the quiet sound of bare feet on the polished wood floor
grew ever closer. It was just too much effort...and the floor was so nice and cold…

Firm, calloused hands lifted him supporting his weigh and all but dragging him back to his own
room. Porco felt himself laid on the bed and catches a glimpse of a blonde man leaning over him, his
vision too foggy to glean any more information before sleep claimed him once again, this time until
the morning.

------

Hands closed around Porco’s ribcage, bone splintering and organs rupturing. Blood filled his
mouth as he was thrust into a hot wet mouth that stank of death and rot. He twisted weakly, hands
pushing at the blunt teeth and sticky tongue, and caught a glimpse of his companions running as fast
as they could across the open expanse of grass, Reiner at the lead. He was screaming in pain and
fear as his body was bitten in two and shock seized his limbs, immobilizing him. He couldn’t shift.
He couldn’t shift! His head was spinning, all his training stripped away by the terror and agony.
Molars trapped his head, pressing down-

A scream tore from Porco and he sat bolt upright, arms raised to fend off the monster of his
nightmare. His hands trembled and his breathing came in ragged gasps that morphed into sobs as he
struggled to not let the dream fade. It was horrible, a night terror that tormented him whenever he
closed his eyes, but it was the last bit of Marcel that remained and he refused to lose that.

A year. It had been a year since he had become the Jaw titan and still the dreams lingered. He knew
it had not been that way for Pieck or Zeke and privately, the doubting, less confident part of him
wondered if was because he really was unfit to be a Warrior. He never brought that up though. He
could not bear for his fears to be confirmed.

Running a hand through his sweat damp hair, Porco looked around, trying to ground himself. FIve
things he could see...He could see that he was in his room at the Warrior’s housing unit, one of the
luxuries enjoyed by those of his status and one that he was still growing accustomed to. He could see
his soft bed, his desk, his uniform laid out for the next day, and the now very faded picture of his
family that he kept by the bed, the single touch of personality he was allowed to give this room.

Moving on Porco listed four things he could feel (the bedsheets, the breeze entering through the
window, his heartbeat, and his raw throat, aching from the scream), and moved on to finding three
things he could hear. Easy enough. A nightingale singing outside, the rustling of leaves just beyond
his window, crying…

Crying? Porco paused at that and sat up straight, suddenly on high alert. Now that he was listening
he realized that to call it crying was oversimplifying it. This was a low, keening wail, animalistic and
feral. He stood slowly, a part of him not wanting to seek out the source and the rest of him incapable
of staying still. The wail, once heard, could not be ignored. So Porco went in search, leaving the
room and following the sound to its source.

As he approached the door his heart sank and he frowned. Of course. Reiner. It had to be Reiner.
Crying and wailing like he was the only one who had lost someone he loved without consideration
for others. Anger spurred Porco forward and he opened the door forcefully and entered.

“Can’t you shut the fuck up?” He snarled. “Some of us are trying to sleep!”

Reiner looked to him with wide eyes, and disgust rose in Porco at the sight of his tear-stained face,
red and puffy eyes, and snot streaming from his nose. He was pitiful. This was the man who had
taken his rightful place on the Paradise mission. This weeping, broken piece of shit.

Porco looked into Reiner’s eyes, trying to look for any sign of an apology, but was greeted only by
blank unrecognition. Reiner looked utterly confused at the sight of him.

“Who are you…?” Reiner spoke softly, voice quavering.

Porco’s lip curled and he stepped closer. “What sort of dumb act are you trying to pull? You know
damn well who I am!”

“I don’t...I don’t know...I…” Reiner raised his hands to his face. “I don’t know anything. I don’t
understand where I am...How did I get here?”

He sounded so childish and lost that it took Porco aback, leaving him stumbling for an answer. He
had heard Zeke mention Reiner’s issues. His divided personalities had been a subject of many
discussions while deliberating if Reiner was someone who could still be trusted as a loyal Warrior of
Marley, but he had never actually witnessed one of his episodes. It was unnerving to see such a lack
of recognition. Porco had assumed that Reiner had been fixed somehow. Clearly he had been wrong.
The person sitting before him was not the Reiner he saw by day. This was a Reiner who only knew
the island of Paradise. The soldier who forgot his duty to Marley, whose weakness left him unstable.
This Reiner could escape the horrors of war, of training all day from the age of five under the
supervision of soldiers who treated you like adults, of losing his friends. This Reiner forgot about
Marcel. He was not crying from grief but from fear, from selfish cowardice.

Porco rushed forward, enraged, hands closing around Reiner’s neck and tightening.

“You coward! You fucking coward! What do you have to cry about?! You don’t remember anything
bad! You don’t remember what you’ve done!”

Reiner’s eyes bulged in their sockets, face going purple as he struggled under Porco. He was
stronger by far, but rage gave Porco the upper hand and he maintained his position.

“Why the fuck do you get to forget? Why did you of all people get to survive?! God-dammit! Wake
up and face what you’ve fucking done!”

Just like that recognition flared in Reiner’s eyes followed immediately by panic. He kneed Porco in
the stomach, loosening his grasp and causing Porco to reel back, the wind knocked out of him.

The room fell silent aside from labored gasps and wheezing as both of them attempted to regain their
breath. Porco had his head down, shaking with lingering adrenaline and anger, one hand placed over
his sore sternum, when a hand touched his cheek.

“Galliard...you’re crying…” Reiner’s voice was pained and raspy from his brush with strangulation.

Porco jerked back, raising a hand to scrub away the tears he had not even noticed pouring down his
cheeks. He looked back at Reiner, opening his mouth to give a barbed retort, when he saw the
expression on his face. There was no anger, no resentment. Instead there was open pity. Porco’s
stomach twisted itself into knots at the sight and the anger drained out of him to be replaced with
shame.

He took a few faltering steps back and then turned and left the room, walking briskly down the hall.

No matter how low he felt, he would never accept pity from Reiner fucking Braun.

------

“I don’t have to take orders from you! Stay back! Where’s Commander Erwin? I only take orders
from him!”

Porco swore as he heard the shouts coming from the training yard and quickened his steps, rounding
the corner to see a confused and angry Reiner shouting at the Marleyan officers who kept an eye on
all the Warriors.

He moved quickly before this fight came to blows, stepping between Reiner and the officers.

“Sorry, he’s not had enough rest. I’ll get him inside, he won’t cause any more trouble.” Porco said
hastily, saluting the glowering officers before grabbing Reiner by the arm and forcefully steering him
inside and back towards his room.

Reiner struggled briefly, throwing a few choice insults back over his shoulder and complaining
loudly that he did not want to go back to his room and that he’d report Porco to whoever the hell this
“Commander Erwin” was.

It was growing intolerable and Porco finally gave up and shoved Reiner into the nearest empty room,
in this case the conference room, and slammed the door, leaning against it.

“Hey! Look at me you dumb fucker!” He barked.

It got Reiner’s attention and he stopped his pacing and stared at Porco, contemplating him for a
second before his eyes grew wide.

“It’s you!” A grin spread across his face and Porco heaved a sigh of both exasperation and relief.

After two years now of dealing with Reiner’s mental breaks he had started to notice a pattern to
them. Usually Reiner was lost in his past to some extent, believing he was meant to be preparing for
an expedition or doing chores required of new recruits, but soldier Reiner was slowly starting to
remember some things that related to the present. And by “some things” that meant Porco. For some
reason Reiner had decided to latch onto Porco as his main memory, which meant Porco had been
assigned to monitor him and intervene when he had breakdowns.

It was good news that Reiner had recognized him so quickly this time. The sooner he remembered
Porco the sooner he would be back to normal and the two would exchange awkward nods and
glances before going their separate ways once again.

“Yeah it’s me, dumbass.” Porco rolled his eyes. “What’s got you worked up this time?”

Reiner frowned, “They won’t let me go to the stables. I’m supposed to help Connie muck out the
stalls. It was a direct order.

“Yeah, well they aren’t letting you muck around in horse shit because we don’t have any stables,”
Porco explained, forcing himself to adopt a slightly less sharp tone.

“We...we don’t?”
“No, we don’t. You’re in Marley, not Paradise - I mean - Wall Rose. Whatever. Besides, Warriors
have better things to do than clean stalls.”

“Warriors…” Reiner frowned deeply and Porco could almost see his brain sorting through the
information, making connections as he slowly returned to himself, the clarity dawning on his
features.

Looking up, Reiner met Porco’s gaze. “Did I-?”

“Yeah. Again.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Forget it.”

“I think that’s the last thing you want me to do.” Reiner said, a smile playing at the corners of his
lips.

Porco eyed him incredulously. “Was that supposed to be a fucking joke?”

Reiner shrugged and the smile faded, “Maybe...I guess it wasn’t very funny.”

“No it fucking wasn’t,” Porco snapped. “Don’t you realize how much trouble you could get in? It’s
one thing when you come slinking into my room at night because you’re scared and lost, but it’s
another thing to openly defy and insult Marleyan officers!”

“You know I can’t always control it-”

“Well you better fucking try harder! You’re almost due for a promotion, but if you get written up for
insubordination or worse treason then there’s no saving you. They’ll give one of the new candidates
your titan well before they should if they think you’re a threat. So pull it together!”

Reiner stepped closer to Porco, reaching to grip his shoulder tightly. “Porco. I’m sorry I worried
you.”

His calm words cut short Porco’s tirade and the angry words died on his tongue as his shoulders
slumped, a heavy sigh escaping him.

“I wasn’t worried…” He muttered. “I couldn’t care less.”

Reiner released his shoulder, giving him a short nod. Porco turned away and opened the door,
needing some air.

“Hey, Porco?”

He glanced back at Reiner who looked a bit awkward.

“Thanks for helping me…”

A smile tugged at Porco’s lips and he turned away. “Yeah. It’s nothing.”

------

Staring up at the ceiling, Porco watched the dappled shadows of leaves dancing over the white
painted plaster, cast by the streetlamp on the road outside. A cool wind blew in through the open
window, but it was counteracted by the warmth of the man laying beside him, one arm over Porco’s
stomach, holding him close.

“Training was intense. Sometimes they’d make us go without food.”

“Really?” Porco murmured idly.

“Really! There’s a girl named Sasha who stole food all the time. She even ate some of it in front of
our drill sergeant! Did I tell you about that before?”

“Yes, but you can tell me again.”

Reiner beamed, “Right, so it was the first day of training and we were all lined up. Honestly I don’t
know when she had the time to find a baked potato before roll call but-”

Porco listened quietly to Reiner, admiring his features. It was at times like this when the years really
fell away from his face and even with the beard and the worry lines that he had acquired Reiner
appeared youthful and carefree, reliving some of his best memories without having them tainted by
the tragedy that followed.

He remembered when he used to hate Reiner’s forays into his other life, how four years ago he had
hated him for it. Now he found himself listening more and more, learning and understanding in order
to better help Reiner in the future.

“...So in the end she nearly tackled Christa to get the food and we all really learned to keep our
distance from Sasha when it came to food,” Reiner concluded, chuckling.

“I bet...She sounds ferocious.” Porco stifled a yawn. “Come on, big guy. Let’s get to bed. We have a
big day tomorrow.”

“We do?”

“Mhm...There’s the festival and a gathering of the various nations.”

“I don’t remember that…” Reiner said, settling with his head on Porco’s shoulder.

Porco kissed the top of his head gently. “I know, that’s why I reminded you, so you'll remember it
when we wake up tomorrow.”

“Oh...Okay.” Reiner smiled a bit. “Thanks, Pock…”

“You’re welcome, Reiner...Goodnight.”

“Night...I love you…”

Porco smiled a bit at that. If he and Reiner had been together about a year earlier and Reiner had said
that to him as Reiner the soldier and not Reiner the Warrior, Porco might have faltered or felt put off
by that. But now he did not feel that old hesitation and discomfort. He had been dealing with this
side of Reiner for over four years now and he was ready and willing to deal with it for the rest of his
and Reiner’s shortened lives if that’s what it took. And with Reiner’s lifetime rapidly ticking away
there was no point in being particular about who kissed him and held him and told him they loved
him. Because when it came down to it Reiner was always Reiner regardless of if he was a soldier or
a warrior, and Porco’s feelings weren’t about to change for either part of him.

“I love you too.”

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