Excerpt from…
“THE REAL PROBLEM”
by Bruce Kane
Copyright: Bruce Kane Productions 2012
All Rights Reserved
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"THE REAL PROBLEM" must give credit to Bruce Kane as sole Author of the
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appear in size of type not less then fifty percent of the size of type used for
the title. The Author’s name must be equal to or larger than the Director's, but
never smaller than that of the Director. The above billing must appear as
follows: "THE REAL PROBLEM" by Bruce Kane.
WARNING No one shall make any changes to this play for the purpose of
production. Publication of this plays does not imply its availability for
production.
SETTING: The Cauldron – An Elizabethan era pub
CHARACTERS:
Desdemona: Blonde, beautiful, sweet, trusting, married to Othello
Juliet: Young, pretty, impatient – dating Romeo
Katherine: Brunette, voluptuous, ill tempered – engaged to Petruchio
Anne Boleyn: Late wife of Henry VIII. Actually just the head of Anne Boleyn.
Hecate: Waitress at The Cauldron. One of the witches from MacBeth
(Lights up on Juliet pacing impatiently while Desdemona sits at a table on
which sits the head of Anne Boleyn.)
JULIET: (quite Shakespearean) Romeo… Romeo… Wherefore art thou
Romeo?
The Real Problem
ANNE: (annoyed) Is she gonna do that all day?
DES: Leave her alone… She’s in love.
ANNE: Love… Give me a break. (to Juliet) How long have you and this..?
JULIET: Romeo…
ANNE: Romeo… been getting it on?
JULIET: We’re not getting it on.
ANNE: Then what’s the point?
DES: They just met. A relationship takes time to grow… to mature.
JULIET: The real problem is…
ANNE: I knew it… Now we’re getting down to the nitty gritty. What’s her
name?
JULIET: What’s whose name?
ANNE: The real problem. What’s her name?
JULIET: There’s nobody else.
ANNE: There’s always somebody else. Until my recent surgical procedure
the real problem was usually me. I’m happy to say.
JULIET: The real problem is that he’s a Montague.
ANNE: Oh, crap.
JULIET: Exactly.
DES: So, he’s a Montague?
JULIET: Our families hate each other.
DES: Tell me about it.
2
The Real Problem
JULIET: Your families don’t get along, either?
DES: His side is fine… It’s mine… You know… The whole racial thing.
JULIET: It’s terrible. We’re always having to sneak around so no one will see
us.
ANNE: I know… Isn’t that hot?
DES: Oh please… Look what sneaking around got you. (to Juliet) Relax…
He’ll be here.
ANNE: Yeah, when he wants something.
(The front door slams open with a bang. Katherine storms in.)
KATHERINE: I..! Hate..! Men..!
ANNE: Look who’s here. The Duchess of “Shrews-bury”.
KATHERINE: Men..! Are..! Pigs..!!!
DES: Oh, you don’t mean that, Katherine.
KATHERINE: All..! Men..! Are..! Pigs!!!
ANNE: Alright… What did Petruchio do this time?
KATHERINE: He’s a man. Isn’t that enough?
DES: You say that about every guy you date.
KATHERINE: That’s because every guy I date… is a pig!!!
DES: What about Lorenzo? You two were pretty hot and heavy there for a
while.
KATHERINE: Until he turned into a… Pig. A whiny, sniveling, momma’s
boy… Pig!
DES: Antonio wasn’t a momma’s boy.
3
The Real Problem
KATHERINE: No Antonio was a preening, self absorbed, narcissistic… Pig!
DES: Okay. Marcello wasn’t sniveling, he wasn’t self absorbed and he
certainly wasn’t a momma’s boy.
KATHERINE: No, he wasn’t any of those things. But he was married… The
Pig!!!
ANNE: I didn’t know that.
KATHERINE: Neither did I.
ANNE: Face it, Katie. The only reason you fight with all these guys is for the
make-up sex afterwards. Not that I blame you.
(Hecate enters carrying a flagon which she places on the table holding
Anne’s head.)
ANNE: (to Hecate) Excuse me.
HECATE: Yes?
ANNE: A straw would be nice.
HECATE: I’ll be right back. A flagon of sow’s blood, Miss Katherine?
KATHERINE: A double espresso.
HECATE: Coming up.
DES: Maybe you should consider cutting back on the caffeine, Katherine
JULIET: If he doesn’t show up soon, I swear I’ll never talk to him again.
KATHERINE: What’s her problem?
DES: Her young man didn’t show up.
KATHERINE: (to Juliet) Count your blessings.
ANNE: That’s what I tried to tell her.
4
The Real Problem
KATHERINE: (to Anne) A girl after my own heart. High five. (realizes) Oh…
Sorry.
JULIET: What am I going to do?
KATHERINE: For one thing, you’re gonna stop mooning around over this…
what’shisname?
JULIET: Romeo.
KATHERINE: (mockingly) Romeo? You’re kidding.
JULIET: What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
KATHERINE: Who told you that?
JULIET: He did.
ANNE: Before or after he put his hand down your dress?
DES: Behave yourself.
KATHERINE: You want this Romeo of yours to take you seriously?
JULIET: Yes… With all my heart.
KATHERINE: Then, tell him to take a hike.
JULIET: Excuse me.
KATHERINE: Tell him to get lost… Tell him to take long walk off a short pier.
JULIET: That doesn’t make any sense.
DES: Don’t listen to her.
ANNE: Listen to her.
KATHERINE: Men only want one thing. And as soon as they get it, they want
it from someone else.
ANNE: Amen, sister.
5
The Real Problem
KATHERINE: As an example of what I’m talking about…. Take Petruchio…
Please.
DES: How can you talk like that about the man you’re going to marry?
KATHERINE: Who said I was going to marry him?
DES: But your father has announced the date of your forthcoming marriage.
KATHERINE: My father just wants me out of the house. I could be marrying
a goat for all he cares.
DES: But once a marriage has been announced…
KATHERINE: My father said I was going to marry Petruchio. I didn’t say I
was going to marry him.
JULIET: I’m confused.
KATHERINE: Don’t be, that’s the man’s job. It’s your job to keep him that
way.
ANNE: Where were you when I was tall?
KATHERINE: Remember, it’s not the destination that counts. It’s the journey.
Men love journeys. All you have to do is keep moving the goalposts.
(The play continues…)
PURCHASE PLAY
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