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Rapport: A Central Foundation of NLP 4

The Stepping Stones to Rapport 7
Public Projection and Why It Matters 11
The Power of Matching and Mirroring 16
What is Pacing & Leading? 25
In Focus: Rapport and Virtual Environments 29
A Reasonable Approach to Breaking Rapport 31

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Dear reader,

Thanks for downloading NLP Rapport Hacks.

What you have here is a tactical guide for

using NLP to create rapport with anyone.

If you want to learn my complete NLP system

then…

Click here to learn more:

Paul

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Rapport: A Central Foundation of NLP

Rapport may well be one of the most
important foundations of neuro-linguistic
programming because it is really at the
heart of every successful human
interaction, both in the past and the
present.

Neuro-linguistic programming was only able

to shed a light as to how it worked and how
it can be consciously applied in any
situation. Natural communicators and
speakers were already using the principle
of rapport before any formal discipline was
able to pin it down and define its
contours.

Rapport works extremely well in different

situations because it allows people to
reach out to each other in a very
respectful and harmonious manner.

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Rapport can only increase over time. So as

long as a person is able to continue adding
to the initial rapport, the harmony created
at the beginning of a conversation will
remain and will even be reinforced by the
other subjects involved in the dialog or
interaction.

One of the biggest misconceptions about

rapport is that it only has to be used in
the beginning of an interaction. People
tend to think that it’s like 46

a hat that can easily be discarded when you

get someone to say “yes” to what you want.

This isn’t the case. If you want truly

meaningful interactions with other people,
you have to realize that rapport or harmony
should be present in all your interactions.
It should remain at the very center of
every social strategy that you create. It
should also be a priority when you are
trying to persuade or influence someone.

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Rapport is one of those things in life that

can be likened to credit or cash. You only
know that you need more of it when what you
have right now is no longer sufficient for
your needs.

For example, a teacher who thinks that it

is perfectly fine to “do his own thing” day
in and day out may one day find himself at
a loss as to why his own students would
give him a very poor performance
evaluation.

The problem in such cases is always poor or

distorted communication. A whole blizzard
of problems emerges from a single defect in
communication.

How does neuro-linguistic programming

actually define rapport? In its simplest
form, rapport is merely the absence of
friction between individuals. Rapport can
also be defined based on its positive
outcome – harmony.

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When there is complete harmony between

individuals in an interaction, then we can
say that there is definitely rapport.
Rapport is often built from the ground up.

The more effort you spend in establishing

rapport, the better the results. The big
difference between rapport and all the
other communication strategies from the
other disciplines is that rapport
emphasizes mutual benefit and a dynamic
connection between individuals.

The Stepping Stones to Rapport

Rapport can most certainly emerge from any
social interaction. In fact, you can
establish rapport even if you weren’t
expecting it if things click together. The
following are the different levels of human
experience and factors that affect your
ability to establish rapport with people:

1. Places that you frequent 50

2. New people that you meet at work or in

clubs and organizations that you join

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3.Your physical appearance

4.Your physical projection

5.Your handling of verbal language

6.Your handling of nonverbal language

7.Your current communication skills

8.Your core beliefs in life

9.Your core values

10.Your identity as a person

If you want to sharpen your skill in

establishing rapport with other people,
there are four basic steps that will help
you achieve that:

1.When you are interacting with other

people, exert some extra effort to become
genuinely interested in what they have to
say.

Ask questions to draw out important

information but at the same time, learn to
actively listen so that the other person

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will see and feel that you are indeed a

good communicator.

If you are perceived as a good

communicator, people around you will be
comfortable talking to you and even new
acquaintances will trust you more easily.
Make it your primary goal to understand
where your subject is coming from.

Do not expect your subject to exert effort

to understand you. Remember – the outcome
of all communication efforts depends on the
speaker or communicator. So when you set
out to talk to someone, you take full
responsibility for the outcome of that
interaction.

2. Listen closely to your subject when he

is talking. Observe how your subject
actually expresses himself and take note of
any special mannerism or phrases that he
uses frequently.

Use these special elements later on so that

you will slowly match the other person. I

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am not asking you to mimic the other person

so much that you will appear comical.

No, what I want you to focus on is to match

the other person’s energy and subtly lead
him to where you really want him to be. For
example, if your subject is angry because
he encountered traffic, try to be a little
mad as well about a similar problem so that
you will align with his current wavelength.

By aligning to his current wavelength, you

will be able to influence his behavior and
thinking pattern. The biggest mistake that
any communicator can do is to try to stop a
person from thinking the way he does
instantly.

Try that and I can assure you that all you

will be getting is plenty of resistance. No
one likes the idea of being controlled. One
can only subtly pace and lead a person.

3. Determine how the other person processes

information. Does he like talking about
“the big picture” or does he prefer to

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discuss the smaller steps and fine details

of the current topic?

Once you have determined the other person’s

preference when it comes to information,
gradually adjust your own approach so that
he will be able to fully comprehend what
you are trying to communicate in the first
place.

For example, if you are trying to sell a

business owner new software, you need to
explain the benefits of the new software in
a way that he will fully understand.

Public Projection and Why It Matters

Each person has two images of himself. The
first image is his mental image which is
often created with a ‘rosy’ lens. People
only see what they want to see and often,
this is reflected in their own mental
images. Positive aspects of oneself always
take precedence over negative aspects.

The result is a self-image that is only

partially true, because it does not take

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into consideration the various elements

that can be improved. The second self-image
that we all have (and we usually do not
consciously control) is our public
projection.

Our public projection is the image of

ourselves that is seen by other people.
Obviously, this particular image can be
quite different from the rosy, ideal self-
image that we have of ourselves.

Our public projection can be so different

that we may end up wondering why sometimes,
we don’t create the desired impact on
people. Part of your training in neuro-
linguistic programming is heightened self-
awareness.

Before you use NLP on other people to help

them solve their problems, you must be
aware of yourself and your own
imperfections so that you may start
addressing these problems yourself.

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Only when a person is aware of his own

weaknesses would he be strong enough
mentally and emotionally to help others.
Self-awareness also strengthens a person’s
resolve to follow- through with different
forms of change, which is always a
necessary component in many of life’s tough
goals.

Whenever you have to talk to people or

present important ideas in a presentation,
ask yourself this vital question: what kind
of first impression am I creating?

We must always remember that lifelong

opinions of other people are often created
within the first one to three minutes of
the first meeting. First impressions do
last!

Some of you might be saying – well, we can

always repair the damage done by a lousy
first impression. That is true, but what
would you rather have: a good first
impression (with lasting benefits) or a bad
first impression and perhaps a few years of

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repair work ahead of you? If you do it

right the first time, you won’t have to
repair your self-image.

Many people think that appearances are

generally deceiving and that people are now
more interested in hearing out a person
before making a judgment.

This critical leaning is a good development

in our modern civilization but it doesn’t
mean that our instinctual drive to analyze
and categorize people within minutes of
meeting them will be erased by this
tendency.

In short – people will still be secretly

measuring you based on the first impression
that you make. Some of you might be furious
at the idea – it is irrational, I know.

But we must remember that people often base

their decisions on irrational grounds.

We only know how to rationalize our deeds

which is why we often appear as very
rational creatures. But in reality, we

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rarely take the time to analyze what we are

about to do. We just do it – and then
rationalize our deed later to lend it some
sense of logic and legitimacy.

So the next time you appear in front of an

audience, think of your appearance. Does
the mental image of yourself match what
others are seeing?

When you speak in front of people, does

your body language actually ooze of
confidence and competence? Or is it the
other way around? It 62

can be really difficult at first to measure

the similarity or dissonance of the two
self-images.

So if you are having a lot of trouble

comparing the two, I suggest that you get
someone who can watch you present or talk
so you can get that person’s opinion.

Remember, you don’t need a lot of analysis

to get a first impression. First
impressions are handled by the subconscious

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mind. After the subconscious mind finishes

tagging someone does the conscious mind
kick in with how to deal with the person
based on the first impression that he has
given.

The Power of Matching and Mirroring

Matching and mirroring are two essential
skills that will allow you to establish
rapport with anyone in a shorter period of
time. Matching and mirroring can also be
used to measure the existing rapport
between two or more individuals.

To illustrate this point, try watching two

best friends when they talk. Observe how
these two individuals talk and move as they
banter. Did you notice something special
between them?

What you are actually seeing is matching

and mirroring. One person mirrors the
other. Then the second person matches the
movement of the other. They do it because
they are comfortable, happy and they are at
ease.

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This is the kind of rapport that we want

when we are interacting with other people.
Of course, we can’t be best friends with
every person that we have to talk to. In
fact, it would be extremely exhausting if
we had to do that because establishing snap
friendships can be tiresome (at best).

But even if we can’t do that, it doesn’t

mean that we can’t apply the method to our
daily interactions. On the contrary, you
can always use matching and mirroring
regardless of who is 65

in front of you. So how can you start using

this marvelous approach to establishing
instant rapport with people? The first
thing that you have to do is activate the
VAK/VAKOG system.

Let your senses run wild and let your

imagination do its work. Listen as if this
is the first time that you are listening to
someone talk. Pay close attention to what
the other person is saying and respond not

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only through verbal language but through

body language.

Observe how the other person talks and

moves and try to naturally match what he’s
doing. The idea here is to start mimicking
some of the other person’s gestures and
expressions so that later on, he would do
the same for you.

When the other persons starts mimicking

your movements and your expressions that is
a time that you can be sure that you have
been successful in matching and mirroring.

Are you eager to get started on matching

and mirroring? Here are some ways that you
can ignite rapport in a conversation
without looking the part of someone who
wants to speed up the process of rapport:

1. Observe the other person’s posture. Does

he look tense or relaxed? Does he look lazy
or confident? Match the person’s posture to
begin the aligning yourself with the
person’s wavelength.

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If the other person feels lazy, you are

showing that you understand his feeling at
the moment and he will be less resistant to
your message because you appear to be non-
threatening. Harmonizing with the other
fellow is the key here. The more you
harmonize, the more comfortable the other
person gets.

2. Check out the subject’s gestures. Does

he wave around his arms when he gets
excited?

Does he fiddle with his pen or press his

cellular phone when he is listening to you?
Does he like to gesture with his hands when
he is trying to emphasize important points?
Match these gestures when you talk and
watch the magic of mirroring take place.

3. A person’s breathing rate can reveal his

state of mind. A person with a fast
breathing rate may be agitated, nervous,
excited or downright frightened.

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By matching the other person’s breathing

rate, you would be able to pace and
eventually lead the person to a more
desirable state. For example, if the other
person is breathing fast because he is
agitated, increasing your breathing rate
will allow you to get his full attention
and then you can slow down your breathing
rate afterward.

The other person will most likely mirror

you and you would both have more
comfortable breathing rates afterward. The
idea behind matching and mirroring is not
to let the other person take control of the
conversation or interaction.

On the contrary, you are matching the other

person with the intent of eventually taking
control of the interaction so that you will
succeed with what you want to happen in the
first place.

4. Measure the other person’s energy level.

Some people like gesturing from the chest
up. These folks are “high energy” people

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who really like to pump things up when they

are talking. Some folks are so shy that
they keep their hands on their sides.

They do this so that their voices do not

rise too much and they won’t sound like
they want to take control of the
interaction. If the other person’s energy
level works for you, then by all means,
don’t try leading the person to a higher or
lower energy level.

But if the subject’s energy level is too

high or too low for your taste, then it
might help to first match the other
person’s energy level so that you can
eventually adjust it to a more comfortable
level.

5. And then we have the other person’s

speech rate and speech tone. A very excited
person would speak very fast and would also
have a higher tone of voice. How does your
subject speak to you?

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Why does he speak that way? Is it because

he is excited or bored? Or is he trying to
sound excited so that you won’t be
offended? Determine those things and make
the adjustments needed to make the
interaction work.

Important Note:

Beginning NLP practitioners often perform

mechanical copying of other people’s
gestures, expressions, etc. While it is
true that it is difficult to performing
matching and mirroring without making it
look mechanical. But don’t worry – the more
you practice, the more natural it would
become over time.

However, I have to warn you not to engage

in obvious mimicry. Mimicry is defined as
“the action or practice of the art of
mimicking”. Mimicking in itself is just
artificial imitation of someone else’s
gestures and words. Mimicking is done for
its own sake; it doesn’t belong in neuro-
linguistic programming.

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People often mimic when they want to mock

or make fun of someone else. So with this
in mind I also have to warn you against
matching uncontrollable gestures and facial
expressions. For example, if the other
person had an inborn facial tic, you should
never, ever match the tic even if it is
very obvious or if it is done very
frequently.

Why? Because the other person probably

dislikes the tic very much and would do
anything to get rid of the tic. The same
applies to uncontrollable gestures and
peculiar movements.

For example, if a person flicks his hands

every so often because of a physical
condition, ignore the hands but watch how
he moves his body when he leans in to talk
to you. You can also observe how the other
person reacts when you say specific things
to him.

How does he react when you object to what

he says? How does he react when you laugh

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when he cracks a joke? These are the more

important 75

interstices in the other person’s verbal

and nonverbal armor that you must pay
attention to so that you can establish
rapport more quickly.

Before trying out this method on other

people, it would be a good idea to practice
at home alone in front of a mirror. Just
visualize another person talking to you and
see how you would look like when you are
matching someone’s actions and gestures.
You will notice immediately that when you
match someone, there has to be a bit of a
delay to make the next action, expression
or gesture look more natural.

Develop your newfound skill so that people

would never think that you were just
mimicking them to make fun of them. I know
that this is a terrible thing and as an NLP
practitioner you would never do it on
purpose. But here’s the thing about body
language and such – you never have full

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control of every little detail involved in

a personal interaction.

There will be times when your best efforts

will produce only mediocre results. There
will be times when the desired outcome will
not emerge at all. You have to be prepared
for these realities so you would be able to
improve your craft and protect yourself
from undesirable outcomes in the future.

What is Pacing & Leading?

Pacing and leading are two other skills
that you need if you want to establish
rapport. Pacing and leading are
complementary skills. When you pace
someone, you do it with the intention of
eventually leading him to a particular
state that you believe is beneficial to
both of you. Here’s an illustrative
example.

Let’s say you wanted to board a bus but the

bus has already started running. You want
to jump on the bus but in order to do so,
you would have to run alongside the

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vehicle. You not only have to run alongside

the bus but you also have to increase your
speed to match the current speed of the
vehicle.

If you try to jump in the bus without

enough speed, it is likely that you are
going to get hurt in the process. But if
you are able to gather enough speed to
match the exact speed of the bus, you will
be able to jump in without a scratch.

Pacing and leading apply not only to

gestures and body language in general but
also to verbal exchanges between people. If
you are set on influencing another person
so that he will see things your way, you
would have to pace and lead him so that
there would be a minimum of resistance.

Pacing and leading will also give you

access to the person’s innermost thoughts
and that is actually quite important in
drawing out potential roadblocks to your
success. These roadblocks are simply the
hidden objections of people.

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Hidden objections are objections that are

not verbalized by people for a variety of
reasons. For example, if you are trying to
convince someone to leave a particular
method for your own method, you would have
to draw out the different objections that
this person may have about the idea itself.

If you cannot draw out these objections,

they will stay hidden from view and the
other person will continue to say “no” to
you. You will end up becoming more and more
frustrated because all your arguments will
fall on deaf ears.

Of course, we don’t want this to happen at

all. We want our efforts to pay off
(immediately, if possible). So my advice to
you when you are pacing someone with the
intention of influencing him or changing
his mind about something, you just keep
doing it until you reach that exact moment
that the person is already caving in and
saying yes to what you’re saying.

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That is the time when you should start

leading him to where you want him to be.
Until this time is reached, do not try to
lead the person because he will feel that
you are consciously trying to take control
of him and when this happens and the
conditions are less than ideal, a lot of
negative things can happen.

For example, the other person can just say

“no” and walk away from the conversation.
The other person can also accuse you of
being manipulative. These are quite plain
realities that we all have to deal with and
if it does happen, you have to learn from
the experience and do better next time.

I am also advocating behavior flexibility –

you have to be adaptive and you have to
change what you are doing if it is not
working. Focus on the outcomes that you
want and stick to the path that gives you
access to those wonderful, desirable
outcomes.

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In Focus: Rapport and Virtual Environments

Several decades ago, the idea of really
communicating with someone through an
interconnected network of computers and
devices was the stuff of fantasy. The idea
belonged to the books of science fiction,
not reality. Today, we live in a world that
is absolutely ruled by virtual
communication.

And virtual communication is a wonderful

thing because it has allowed so many things
to become possible for countless people
around the world. Don’t let virtual
communication hinder you from becoming an
effective communicator and NLP
practitioner.

Here are some expert tips on improving

rapport in a virtual environment:

1. If you are about to speak to a lot of

people over the telephone or over service
like Skype, make sure that all individuals
are connected before you start talking.

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2. Before everyone starts exchanging ideas

and information, set an agenda that you
will all follow.

3. Inform the others that you are expecting

a specific set of outcomes from the meeting
and that it would be best to work toward
these outcomes.

4. It is possible that not everyone in the

teleconference or Skype meeting will be
talking. Do not close the meeting until
everyone has given their input. Encourage
other members of the meeting to talk and
share their ideas and really listen to
them.

5. If some people are talking among

themselves, stop them and try to lead them
back to the main topic.

6. It is harder to catch information over

the phone or over a non-video conference
because people won’t see your face when you
talk. With this in mind, you have to slow
down and repeat parts of your statements to

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ensure that everyone is getting what you

are saying.

7. Employ the VAK system and adapt to the

specific preferences of people.

8. Call people by their name before stating

something so that your subject would pay
attention before you give your facts.

9. Imagine how the other person would react

to your words.

A Reasonable Approach to Breaking Rapport

This may sound strange to some readers

because I have been discussing rapport so
extensively in the previous sections that
one would think that it’s a little crazy to
break rapport with another person. Why
would anyone want to break rapport with
another person? Here’s a short story that
will shed light on this matter:

There was once a doctor who was extremely

popular with all of her patients. She was
so popular in fact that she always appeared

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on top of all patient surveys. Her secret

(as you may have already guessed) is
rapport with all of her patients.

She made sure that she spent more than the

necessary amount of time for each patient.
It was common for her to exceed the regular
one hour allotment for each of her
patients. This would have been a nice
scenario if she did not actually fall
behind in terms of handling all of her
appointments.

In the case of this doctor, her rapport

with her patients meant the patients loved
talking to her so much that she spent more
time with each patient. The doctor soon
became stressed and overburdened with the
sheer number of appointments that she had
to handle on a daily basis.

When she approached a counselor for advice,

she discovered that she had a problem
breaking rapport with people. She had a
natural ability to establish rapport with
all of her patients but her problem was

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that the interactions were so successful

that she could not break away from the
interactions even if she really had to.

As one can imagine, if this problem

persists, the doctor would have probably
succumbed to overwork and she would
probably have to turn away some
appointments every week just to cope with
the demand for her services.

As an NLP practitioner, you should be aware

of how to actually break the rapport you
have with another person without offending
your subject.

Some people might be thinking – it’s easy

to break rapport; I can be rude and the
rapport will end immediately!

That’s correct, you can actually break

rapport by mistreating another person. But
then again, imagine the outcome of that
type of approach to breaking rapport.

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The other person would probably mistrust

you and may not even want to talk to you
next time.

Strategically breaking rapport is necessary

if you want the other person to be
comfortable and trusting the next time you
meet. Here are some ways that you can
sensitively end rapport in an interaction
without hurting anyone’s feelings:

1. Gradually create dissonance between your

posture and the other person’s posture.
When you want to establish rapport, it is
common for NLP practitioners to match the
active posture of their subject.

If you want to break rapport, you need to

do the opposite. You need to create some
dissonance between your posture and the
other person’s posture so that the
harmonizing trance will end.

2. Break eye contact with the person toward

the end of your interaction.

3. Change the expression of your eyebrows.

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4. Modify how you sound. If you were loud

before, try lowering your tone of voice. If
you had a lower tone beforehand, try
increasing your tone for effect.

5. Strategic silence often helps in

breaking rapport.

6. Turn your head away from the person. But

don’t turn your back – you may
inadvertently send a very negative message
to the other person. Instead of just
breaking the rapport because you have to
leave the conversation, you might end up
sending a message like “I don’t want to see
your face”.

Be careful with the messages that you send

with your body language. We all have an
inborn ability to understand body language.

The other person may not have the special

knowledge to explain what he feels when he
observes your negative body language, but
his subconscious mind will begin generating

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thoughts like “he doesn’t like you at all”

or “he is not showing any respect”.

Trust me – you do not want this kind of

problem hanging over your head the next
time you meet this person.

7.Learn to say the golden phrases like “I

will see you next time”, “thank you very
much for that great discussion” and
“goodbye and be safe”.

I know that many people like waiting for

the other person to say these phrases
because it’s polite to wait, but sometimes,
you have to be the one who will signal the
end of the interaction. Just make sure you
say goodbye to the other person properly.

Some of you might be wondering: when is the

right time to end an interaction? Here are
some key situations where you definitely
have to break rapport:

1. When a customer agrees to buy something,

he should be left for a few minutes to
review the terms of the sale. Standing over

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another person’s shoulder as he mulls over

his decision to buy something is never a
good practice.

2. When you already have all the details

you need from another person and the
conversation has already veered off topic.

3.When you are talking to one person and

you see another person that you need to
talk to urgently about something.

4. When you feel weary and exhausted from

all the talking.

5. When you are doing something at the

moment and you really need to finish it.

6. When the other person is trying to lure

you into topics and issues that you are not
comfortable in discussing.

What you have here is a tactical guide for

using NLP to create rapport with anyone.

If you want to learn my complete NLP system

then…

Click here to learn more:

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