re ie OS eNTetae use Nero a ee tre reper ya c} laine SS ee Len hd eee St Mo Thespian iy erate re) eg eee ce) Retake ad a eee os eo ere ri) eee) STOR Ce rite Cea ed ace eas aa Vermont Ree foe Meee erty ete Pea Teen ee ec shel me Porn Rete er en cy rete Rirkus Lehielus, saralreview See ce nea er ST es ee ein ce eee ee ee Cee era CO eee am I Cech To ae cay er Ea eS een ETH Pee s'iscot! I are devastatingly captured bya artist in Ree nes Sas 90000 Hil Sona) (ea i c \ i ( : i7 y c 1 1 To en Sr mae Petes un oe ae ALISON BECHDEL EMC ile rnin Pe gA nc ease oy Dione eRe at rs Peer i ee ae oo Ee y cy TA TRE a ily le, pick fr went: ae eter cen Ree teenie ena) erase eta Rene oct AE ean Cee ee See at Tat dust asd Rae ann Se cmt Perch tried Cee a Dead Cte ay oe tn Cent a) esa mag feces eee ers redeA FAMILY TRAGIC OMIC ALISON BECHDELFOR MOM, CHRISTIAAL AND JOHN. WE DIP HAVE A LOT OF FUN, IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING. COPYRIGHT © 2006 BY ALISON BECHDEL ALL RIGHTS RESERVED FOR INFORMATION ABOUT PERMISSION TO REPRODUCE SELECTIONS FROM THIS BOOK, WRITE TO PERMISSIONS, HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY, 215 PARK AVENUE SOUTH, New YORK, NEW YORK 10003. VISIT OUR WEB SITE: WWW.LHOUGHTONMIFFLINBOOKS.COM LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION PATA BECHDEL, ALISON, DATE. FUN HOMe : A FAMILY TRAGICOMIC / ALISON BECHPEL. PM, XSGN-13: 978-0-618-47794—4 XSBNH10; 6-18-47 794-2 1. BECHPEL, ALISON, DATE.—COMIC BOOKS, STRIPS, ETC. 2. CARTOONISTS—UNITED STATES—COMIC BOOKS, STRIPS, ETC. 3. GRAPHIC NOVELS. =. TLE. PNG727.83757Z46 2006. TAHS'IT3S—CC22 2005030304 PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA @wries 8765432CONTENTS 4. OLD FATHER, OLD ARTIFICER 1 2. A HAPPY DEATH 25 3. THAT OLD CATASTROPHE 55 4. IN THE SHADOW OF YOUNG GIRLS IN FLOWER 87 5. THE CANARY—-COLORED CARAVAN OF DEATH 121 6. THE IDEAL HUSBAND 151 7. THE ANTIHERO’S JOURNEY 187! (| Z ‘ Se | aia ee OLD FATHER, OLD ARTIFICERWtLIKE MANY FATHERS, MINE Cc MY FULL WEIGHT OULD AS HE LAUNCHED ME, OCCASIONALLY BE PREVAILED ON FOR = WOULD FALL ON THE PIVOT POINT LANE.” HIS FEET AND MY STOMACH. IT WAS A DISCOMFORT WELL. WORTH THE RARE PHYSICAL CONTACT, AND CERTAINLY WORTH THE MOMENT OF PERFECT BALANCE WHEN I SOARED ABOVE HIM. 4 INTHE CIRCUS, ACROBATICS WHERE ONE PERSON LIESCONSIPERING THE FATE OF ICARUS AFTER HE FLOUTEDR SO CLOSE TO THE SUN HIS WINGS MELTED, PERHAPS. BUT BEFORE HE DID SO, HE MANAGED TO HIS GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT, ARGUABLY, GET QUITE A LOT DONE. WAS HIS MONOMANIACAL RESTORATION —~ OF OUR OLD HOUSE. THIS RUG IS FILTHY.WHEN OTHER CHILDREN CALLED OUR IN FACT, WE WERE UNUSUAL, THOUGH I HOUSE A MANSION, I WOULD DEMUR. I WOULDN'T APPRECIATE. Wo RESENTED THE IMPLICATION THAT MY UNUSUAL UNTIL MUGa LATER. BUT We FAMILY WAS RICH, OR UNUSUAL IN ANY WAY, WERE NOT RICH. TER. BUT WE SHES Bs OTe THE GILT CORNICES, THE MARBLE FIREPLACE, THE CRYSTAL IERS, THE. SHELVES OF CALF-BOUND BOOKS--THESE WERE NOT SO MUCH BOUGHT AS PRODUCED FROM THIN AIR BY MY FATHER'S REMARKABLE LEGERDEMAIN. a |MY FATHER COULD SPIN GARBAGE... + INTO GOLD. Cees Gy St He COULD TRANGFIGURE A ROOM WITH INJURE AN ENTIRE, FINISHED THE SMALLEST Ss PERIOD In INTERIOR FROM AI Pair. CHIP. = a«AND WHO ANSWERED NOT To THE LAWS OF SOCIETY, BUT TO THOSE OF HIS CRAFT. LIBIDINAL. is‘OUR GOTHIC REVIVAL HOUSE HAD BEEN BUILT DURING THE SMALL PENNSYLVANIA TOWN'S ONE BRIEF MOMENT OF WEALT IM THE. or TH, FRO! LUMBER INDUSTRY, IN 1867. BUT LOCAL FORTUNES HAD DECLINED THE SHUTTERS AND ScROLL WOR W WERE Sees FROM THAT POINT, AND WHEN GONE. THE 'S HAD Bet MY PARENTS BOUGHT THE PLACE IN 1962, SHEATHED WITH SCABROUS SHINGLES,THE BARE LIGHTBULBS REVEALED DINGY ALL THAT WAS LEFT OF THE HOUSE'S WARTIME WALLPAPER AND WOODWORK LUMBER-ERA GLORY WERE THE PAINTED PASTEL GREEN. EXUBERANT FRONT PORCH SUPPORTS. [R 4 een!HE WOULD CULTIVATE THE BARREN YARD... 0 INTO A LUSH, FLOWERING LANDSCAPE. rE F V i WN ae HE WOULD MANIPULATE FLAGSTONES THAT WEIGHED HALF A TON...wlTS OUT OF THE ORDINARY. BUT IN THE MOVIE WHEN JIMMY COMES HOME ONE NIGHT AND STARTS YELLING AT EVERYONE... b] TOMMY, STOP THAT! JANIE, HAVEN'T YOU D THAT SILLY TUNE YET? DAEDALUS, TOO, WAS INDIFFERENT T¢ THE HUMAN COST OF HIS PROJECTS. HE BLITHELY BETRAYED THE KING, FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN THE QUEEN ASKED HIMTO BUILD HER A COW DISGUISE SO SHE COULD SEDUCE THE WHITE BULL.INDEED, THE ALE MAN MONE TER: «44ND FROM WHICH, AS STRAY YOUTHS AND MAIDENS DISCOVERED TO THEIR PERIL... THEN THERE ARE THOSE eo Ne OR JUST DISAPPOINTED BY THE DESIGN WAS DAEDALUS REALLY STRICKE:! FAILURE? GRIEF WHEN ICARUS FELL INTO Te. SEAP 42SOMETIMES, WHEN THINGS WERE GOING AND OF COURSE, MY BROTHERS AND I WELL, I THINK MY FATHER ACTUALLY WERE FREE LABOR. DAD CONSIDERED US ENJOYED HAVING A FAMILY. EXTENSIONS OF HIS OWN BODY, LIKE. PRECISION ROBOT ARMS. Cac eyWE EACH RESISTED IN OUR OWN WAYS, BUT IN THE END WE WERE EQUALLY POWERLESS BEFORE MY FATHER'S CURATORIAL ONSLAUGHT. MY BROTHERS AND T COULDN'T COMPETE WITH THE ASTRAL LAMPS AND GIRANDOLES AND HEPPLEWHITE SUITE CHAIRS. THEY WERE PERFECT. I GREW TO RESENT THE WAY MY FATHER = MY OWN DECIDED PREFERENCE FOR THE UNADORNED AND PURELY FUNCTIONAL EMERGED EARLY.TWAS SPARTAN TO MY FATHER'S ATHENIAN. MODE!IF ANYTHING, THEY OBSCURED FUNCTION. THEY WERE EMBELLISHMENTS IN THE [crvesues ST MY FATHER BEGAN TO SEEM MORALLY f| SUSPECT TO ME LONG Berore I KNEW THAT HE ACTUALLY HAD A DARK SECRET. HIS SKILLFUL ARTIFICE NOT TO MAKE THINGS, BI WHAT THEY WERE NOT.ITS TEMPTING TO SUGGEST, a THAT OUR HOUSE WAS NOT A REAL HOME i IN RETRO: SPECT, THAT OUR FAMILY WAS A SHAM, uceume THE SIMULACRUM OF ONE, A HTTSTILL, SOMETHING VITAL WAS MISSING. AN ELASTICITY, A MARGIN FOR ERROR. How DID THIS THE TABLE? MOST PEOPLE, T IMAGINE, LEARN TO ACCEPT THAT THEY'RE NOT PERFECT. BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! BUT AN IDLE REMARK ABOUT MY FATHER'S TIE OVER BREAKFAST COULD SEND HIM INTO A TAILSPIN. 48MY MOTHER ESTABLISHED A RULE, IF WE COULDN'T CRITICIZE MY FATHER, SHOWING AFFECTION FOR HIM WAS AN EVEN DICIER VENTURE. EXPRESSIVE FAMILY, TO SAY = LEAST. BUT ONCE I WAS UNACCOUNTABLY MOVED TO: KISS MY FATHER GOOD NIGHT. aoe HAVING LITTLE PRACTICE WITH THE GES-__ ...AS IF HE WERE A BISHOP OR AN. TURE, ALL I MANAGED WAS TO GRAB HIS ELEGANT LADY, BEFORE RUSHING FROM. HAND AND Bi KNUCKLES LIGHTLY... THE ROOM IN EMBARRASSMENT.‘ Ae ii fees |] | Pa It Ati > | II 4 Ci a i) } : FON FI =| MIRRORS, DISTRACTING BRONZES, MULTIPLE DOORWAYS. VISITORS OFTEN GOT LOST UPSTAIRS-MY MOTHER, MY BROTHERS, AND IT KNEW OUR WAT AROUND WELL ENOUGH, BUT IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL IF THE MINOTAUR LAY BEYOND THE NEXT CORNER. ENED BY THE FACT THAT SOME ENCOUN- DESCENT AS HIS TANTRUMS TERS COULD BE QUITE PLEASANT. 3 WONT YOU BE MY PONY GIRLP MARRY ME, 1. FAR ACROSS THE SEA. a“ 24ALTHOUGH I’M GOOD AT ENUMERATING I EXPECT THIS IS PARTLY BECAUSE HE'S MY FATHER'S FLAWS, T'S HARD FORME =—- DEAD, AND PARTLY BECAUSE THE BAR IS TO SUSTAIN MUCH ANGER AT HIM. LOWER FOR FATHERS THAN FOR MOTHERS. MY MOTHER MUST RINSING ME OFF wi THE SUDPEN, UNBEARABLE COLD OF ITS WAS HE A GOOD FATHER? I WANT TO SAY, ABSENCE. STUCK AROUND.” BUT OF “AT LEAST HE.T'S TRUE THAT HE DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF BUT HIS ABSENCE RESONATED RETRO- UNTIL I WAS. ¥ TWENTY. ACTIVELY, ECHOING BACK THROUGH ALL THE TIME I KNEW HIM, HE REALLY WAS THERE ALL THOSE YEARS, A FLESH-AND-BLOOD PRESENCE STEAMING OFF THE WALLPAPER, DIGGING UP THE DOGWOODS, POLISHING THE FINIALS...WtA HAPPy DEATHWtFATHER SE Hi RG SE Ls S Exe (an ne My Wis, Sone op THERE'S NO PROOF, ACTUALLY, THAT MY NO ONE KNEW IT WASN'T AN ACCIDENT. IMSELF. a AL, THE COPY OF CAMUS! 4 HAPPY DEATH THAT HE'D BEEN READING AND LEAVING FACT THAT MY MOTHER HAD ASKED HIM = AROUND THE HOUSE IN WHAT MIGHT BE FOR A DIVORCE TWO WEEKS BEFORE. CONSTRUED AS A DELIBERATE MANNER. aN 2K LIS 27CAMUS' FIRST NOVEL, IT'S ABOUT A BUT DAD WAS ALWAYS READING SOME- CONSUMPTIVE HERO WHO DOES NoT THING, SHOULD WE HAVE BEEN SUSPICIOUS DIE A PARTICULARLY HAPPY DEATH. MY WHEN He STARTED PLOWING THROUGH FATHER HAD HIGHLIGHTED ONE LINE. PROUST THE YEAR BEFORE? tnGiin while Tis imagination and vanity had given her too much importance, bis pride had Ph too Hitile, He discovered dhe cruel paradox by which] wealways deccivt ourselves twice about the people we love ~ first to their advamlage, then to their dis- qtvontage- "Today be nderslood that Martie Bad paca denier sai hin | oat she had been wwhatshe WAS THAT A SIGN OF DESPERATION? IT’S SAID, AFTER ALL, THAT PEOPLE REACH MIDDLE AGE THE DAY THEY REALIZE THEYRE NEVER GOING TO READ REMEMBRANCE OF THINS PAST. DAD ALSO LEFT A MARGINAL NOTATION IN ANOTHER BOOK. PEOPLE CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE GET EXCITED ABOUT SReuINS RUFOUS-SIDED TOWHEES? MAYBE HE DIDN'T NOTICE THE TRUCK BUT THESE ARE JUST QUIBBLES. T COMING BECAUSE HE WAS PREOCCUPIED DON'T BELIEVE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. WITH THE DIVORCE. PEOPLE OFTEN HAVE. ACCIDENTS WHEN THEY'RE DISTRAUGHT. ee a 2780 WHILE YOU ort, Away mn Yak Lethe Call hone ar EGE EL DG elle eS 28IWE-HOUR DRIVE HOME FROM COLLEGE AND EVERYONE LSE HAD GONE TO BED, MOM AND I DISCUSSED IT, THINK IT WAS SOMETHING HE IT'S POSSIBLE THAT ALWAYS MEANT WE CHOSE TO BELIEVE TODS. THIS BECAUSE IT WAS LESS PA/NFUL.. IF HE'D INTENDED To DIE, THERE WAS A CERTAIN CONSOLATION IN THE FACT THAT HE SUCCEEDED WITH SUCH APLOMB, HIS HEADSTONE IS AN OBELISK, A HE HAD AN OBELISK COLLECTION, IN. STRIKING ANACHRONISM AMONG THE FACT, AND HIS PRIZE SPECIMEN WAS ONE UNGAINLY GRANITE SLABS IN THE NEW IN KNEE-HIGH JADE THAT PROPPED END OF THE CEMETERY. OPEN THE DOOR TO HIS LIBRARY. 29gHIS ULTIMATE OBELISK IS NOT CARVED MOM COULDN'T CONVINCE THE MONUMENT FROM FLESHY, TRANSLUCENT MARBLE MAKER TO DO IT. LIKE THE TOMBSTONES IN THE OLD PART IT WON'T LAST. IN TEN, TWENTY YEARS YOU'LL HAVE. LICHEN, EROSION. TRUST Me, YOU WANT GRANITE. THIS NARROW COMPASS. SUGGESTS A PROVINCIAL— ISM ON MY FATHER’S PART THAT IS BOTH MISLEADING URATE,OF HIS RELATIVES DISPLAYED ILAR RELUCTANCE TO STRAY. INTEREST IN THE DECORATIVE ARTS, REMAINED IN THIS PROVINCIAL HAMLET. COME OUT TO CAMPY YOU DON'T HAFTA SHOOT NOTHIN’. WE'LL JUST SIT AROUND THE STOVE AND WHY MY CULTURED MOTHER, WHO HAD STUDIED ACTING IN NEW YORK CITY, WOULD LIVE THERE CHEEK BY JOWL WITH HIS FAMILY IS MORE PUZZLING STILL. HELEN? I’M JUST SHOWING OFF YOUR HOUSE To SOME FRIEND: IDEAS ABOUT DRAGGING A. ANY TRAILER INTO THE BACKYARD. AFTER YOU GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL, DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 34MY PARENTS HAD IN FACT GOTTEN AS FAR THEY LIVED IN WEST GERI FOR AS EUROPE, WHERE MY FATHER WAS ALMOST A YEAR DURING DAD'S SERVICE, STATIONED IN THE ARMY. MOM FLEW IN SOME DEGREE OF EXPATRIATE THERE TO MARRY HIM, SPLENDOR . S28 = iS BUT THEN, THE STORY GOES, MY GRANDFATHER HAD A HEART ATTACK AND DAD HAD TO GO HOME AND RUN THE FAMILY BUSINESS. \ | | E i BECHDEL? YOU. | y ta IST GOT A MESSAGE i eh FROM TOURS Stee CALL. is ie a a | raccuwer AG I | f IL 1 A Lig LAL EZTHE CHANGE IN PLANS WAS A CRUEL FOR 4 SHORT TIME WE ALL LIVED WITH MY BLOW. I WAS BORN SOON AFTER THEY GRANDMOTHER AND AILING GRANDFATHER GoT Back. AT THE FUNERAL HOME. URS] DAP STARTED TEACHING HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH. FUNERAL DIRECTING PROVIDED ONLY A PART-TIME INCOME IN OUR THINLY POPULATED REGION. 33BY THE TIME WE MOVED TO THE oie IT WAS SOME! kere DURING THO: REVIVAL HOUSE AND JOHN WAS BO EARLY YEARS THAT agree EoNrUSING PEARED FROM we US WITH THE ‘ADDANS AMID PARENTS! WORIZON. bk | LONG BEFORE I COULD READ, Sy x Wols PUZZLE OVER BOOK OF ADI DAMS CARTOONS. THE CAPTIONS. S ELUDED Me, aS +) THE one REVERSAL OF SUBURBAN CONFORMITY. HERE WERE THE FAMILIAR DARK, LOFTY CEILINGS, PEELING WALLPAPER, AND MENACING pinion FURNI: SSI oF MY on Home. 34A WORRIED GIRL HAD A STRING RUNNING MOUTH TO A TRAP DOOR. WEARING 4 BLACK THE LAMP VELVET DRESS MY FATHER HAD WRESTLED EXTES HES | Me into, c aPreaR To Ike MY LAMP. | BE IN MOURNING, IN FACT, THE GIRL LOOKED JUST LIKE Me. THE RESEMBLANCE IN MY FIRST GRADE SCHOOL PHOTO IS EERIE. MY MOTHER, WITH HER LUXURIANT BLACK AND ON WARM SUMMER NIGHTS, IT WAS HAIR AND PALE SKIN, BORE AMORE THAN NoT UNUSUAL FOR A BAT TO SWOOP PASSING LIKENESS TO MORTICIA. THROUGH OUR LIVING ROOM, BUT WHAT GAVE THE COMPARISON REAL «AND THE CAVALIER ATTITUDE WHICH, WEIGHT WAS THE FAMILY BUSINESS... INEVITABLY, WE CAME To TAKE TOWARD IT. te = 35THE "FUN HOME," AS WE CALLED IT, WAS MY GRANDMOTHER LIVED IN THE FRONT. UPON MAIN ET. THE BUSINESS WAS IN THE BACK. eit I REMEMBER SEEING MY GRANDFATHER LAID OUT THERE WHEN I WAS THREE. PEOPLE WERE AMUSED BY WHAT SEEMED TO ME A REASONABLE ENOUGH REQUEST. ———_— FREE HAND WITH THE INTERIOR THe ROOMS WERE HUNG WITH DARK VELVET 36MY BROTHERS AND I HAD LOTS OF CHORES AT THE FUN HOME, BUT ALSO MANT INTERESTING OPPORTUNITIES FOR PLAY. = COMING IN Sy” TAKE ME A. FOR A LANDING! — — — c Reorse HAD THE FoLD- [= = / et | [qING CHAIRTROLLEY. [age | THe NESTING j Ae pe FLOWER STANDS. Nes F Fr Ty | \ by : Y THE SUCTION-CUP FLAGS FOR STICKING To Ly 2 CARS IN THE PROCESSION. AND THE CRUSHABLE CAPSULES FILLED THESE WERE FOR REVIVING PEOPLE WHEN SALTS. THEY FAINTED FROM SHOCK OR GRIEF, ? WHICH, DISAPPOINTINGLY, NEVER SEEMED ZIM TELLING BAD S\N Se . * YOU WASTED ONE. 1 ier a 37THOUGH THERE WERE NEVER ANY DEAD: PEOPLE IN THE SHOWROOM, IT HAD THE OTHERWORLDLY AMBIENCE OF A FLOOR OF THE GARAGE. MAUSOLEUM. a A Sei OF CASKETS. CAME IN, WE'D LIFT THEM WITH A WINCH TO THE SHOWROOM ON THE SECOND 7 IT WAS USUALLY AFTER SCHOOL, IN A f] MELANCHOLY, FADING LIGHT, THAT WE: FOUND OURSELVES UP THERE UNWRAPPING MORE VELVET DRAPES MUFFLED ANY SOUNDS, FROM OUTSIDE AND HEIGHTENED THE SENSATION (| THAT TIME WAS AT A STANDSTILL.LIKE A MEDIUM CHANNELING LOST SOULS, iT WASN'T THE SORT OF PLACE YOU WANTED THE FILAMENT OF A SPACE HEATER TO BE ALONE IN. VIBRATED TUNELESSLY TO OUR FOOTFALLS. ON THE OTHER HAND, IT WAS NOT PARTICULARLY SCARY TO SPEND THE NIGHT = WITH MY GRANDMOTHER. IN THE FUNERAL HOME PROPER, EVEN WHEN WE HAD A DEAD PERSON. TO QUIET US DOWN, GRAMMY WOULD LET US SWEEP WITH THE BEAM OF HER FLASHLIGHT IN SEARCH OF BUGS. 39AFTER THIS, WE WOULD BEG HER TO TELL USA STORY. THE STORY, L SHOULD SAY, BECAUSE THERE WAS ONE TALE THAT STILLBORN TWINS, THE TIME MY AUNT HAD WORMS--PALED BEFORE IT. "HE WAS LITTILER THAN YOU, JOHN, NO MORE THAN THREE. (T WAS SPRINGTIME." WUNST UPON A TIME, WHEN YOUR DARBY WAS A LITTLE “THE FIELDS WAS JUST PLOWED, AND BRUCE LIT OUT ACROST ONE. IT WAS THAT WET, PRETTY SOON HE COULDN'T LIFT HIS LITTLE LEGS OUT OF THE MUD!"“BUT JUST THEN, ALONG COMES MORT DEHAAS WITH THE MAIL, AND HE SEES BRUCE A WAY "HE GAVE HIM A YANK, AND HE WAS THAT STUCK, HIS OVERSHOES COME OFFI" WELL, I DON'T KNOW, DEARS. BUT MORT. COMMENCED TO WALK QUT ACROST THE MUDDY FigLD To WHERE. BRUCE WAS. 44"HE BRUNG YOUR DADDY INTO THE KITCHEN IN HIS STOCKING FEET, AND I UNDRESSED HIM RIGHT THERE." Sonel a ins AND HERE THE STORY REACHED ITS BIZARRE, GRIMMSIAN CLIMAX, BY DAY, IT WAS DIFFICULT TO IMAGINE. 3 NAKED, OR, TRUSSED UP IN THE OVEN. URE DONE, DO THE VACUUMING.THOUGH THE WAY GRAMMY HELPED HIM DAP WORKED BACK IN THE INNER Ne HIS SURGICAL GOWN IN BACK WAS SANCTUM, THE EMBALMING ROOM. EVOCATIVE. PRIOR DO iT, OR I'LL GIVE i YOU SOMETHING TO [77 WHINE ABOUT, / THIS 'D OF BACTERICIDAL SMELLEN SOAP Sa =e , AND EMBALMING FLUID. IT WAS DOM- ‘ i INATED BY A, PORCELAIN ENAMEL PREP DIDN'T NORMALLY SEE THE TABLE AND A CURIOUS WALL CHART. BODIES BEFORE THEY WERE = : DRESSED AND IN A CASKET. = lS : at a= gnegs. 2 43THE MAN ON THE PREP TABLE WAS BEARDED AND FLESHY, JARRINGLY UNLIKE DAD'S USUAL TRAFFIC OF DESSICATED OLD PEOPLE. THE STRANGE PILE OF HIS GENITALS WAS THERE WAS SOME PRACTICAL SHOCKING, BUT WHAT REALLY GOT MY WITH MY FATHER DURING WHICH © STUDIOUSLY BETRAYED NO EMOTION. ——; TT a j (HAND Me THose SCISSORS OVER BY J IT FELT LIKE A TEST. MAYBE THIS WAS. OR MAYBE HE FELT THAT HE'D BECOME SAME OFFHANDED WAY HIS OWN TOO INURED To DEATH, AND WAS HOPING NOTORIOUSLY COLD FATHER HAD TO ELICIT FROM ME AN EXPRESSION OF SHOWN HIM HIS FIRST CADAVER. THE NATURAL HORROR HE WAS NO . LONGER CAPABLE OF.OR MAYBE HE JUST NEEDED THE SCISSORS. RUS Bee Ee %S FOR YEARS AFTER MY FATHER'S DEATH, WHEN THe: SUBJECT OF PARENTS CAME UP IN CONVERSATION D RELATE THE INFORMATION IN A FLAT, MATTER-OF-FACT TONE... =o BING On oREE THM eLUeD Mee Zon Ena Te Eee cies ae EVEN WEN IT WAS DAD HIMSELF ON THE THE GAPING NER Seen TC ‘STAY PREP TABLE.I WAS AWAY AT SCHOOL THAT SUMMER, GENERATING BAR CODES FOR ALL THE BOOKS IN THE COLLEGE LIBRARY. I HAVE TO GO HOME, MY FATHER GOT HIT. BY A TRUCK. ces nD: Pa CES as Pe a en es cu S 5 yp NN OE I BICYCLED BACK TO MY APARTMENT, AS Z TOLD MY GIRLFRIEND WHAT HAD MARVELING AT THE DISSONANCE BETWEEN PENED, IT CRIED QUITE GENUINELY THIS APPARENTLY CAREFREE ACTIVITY FOR ABOUT TWO MINUTES. AND MY NEWLY TRAGIC CIRCUMSTANCES.IT COULD BE ARGUED THAT DEATH IS INHERENTLY ABSURD, AND THAT GRINNING IS NOT NECESSARILY AN INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE. I MEAN ABSURD IN THE SENSE OF RIDIC-— IS IRRATIONAL AND: HUMAN LIFE MEAN- INGLESS--APPLIES. HERE AS WELL. IN COLLEGE, I NEEDED THE MYTH OF I WISH I COULD SAY I'D ACCEPTED HIS SISYPHUS FOR A CLASS. DAD OFFERED BOOK, THAT I STILL HAD IT, THAT HE'D TO SEND ME HIS OLD COPY, BUT I UNDERLINED ONE PARTICULAR PASSAGE. RESISTED HIS INTERFERENCE. this conduct. It is legitimate to wonder, clearly and without false pathos, whether a conclusion of this importance requires forsaking as rapidly.as possible an it Preh ibie ifion 47MAYBE (17S JUST THE CIGARETTE. IN EVERY BUT CAMUS' LUNGS WERE FULL OF HOLES PHOTO L'VE SEEN OF CAMUS, THERE'S A FROM TUBERCULOSIS. WHO WAS HE TO BUTT DANGLING FROM HIS GALLIC LIP. CAST LOGICAL ASPERSIONS AT SUICIDEP # Na] HE COULDN'T HAVE LASTED MUCH TO BE FAIR, EVERY- [| z LONGER EVEN IF HE HADN'T DIED ONE SMOKED THEN. * lH] INA CAR CRASH AT FORTY-SIX. SNS nS DE CAMUS WAS KNOWN TO HAVE SAID TO HIS FRIENDS ON VARIOUS OCCASIONS THAT DYING IN A CAR ACCIDENT WOULD BE UNE MORT IMBECILE. a Fa IN JANUARY OF 1960, THE SPORTS CAR HE WAS RIDING IN CAROMED OFF ONS PLANE TREE AND DON'T KNOW WE'RE GOING TO DIE. Yet one will never be sufficiently sur- prised that everyone lives as if no one “knew. This is because in reality there is no Experience of death. Properly speak ing, nothing has been experienced but what has been lived and made conscious. Here, it is barely possible {o speak of ihe experience of ‘others’ deaths. [t 13 a substitute, and illusion. and it never quite convinces us. That melancholy convention cannot be persuasive. The horror comes in reality from the math- ematical aspect of ihe event. If time I SUSPECT THAT FOR MY FATHER, DEATH WAS ALL TOO CONVINCING. ] ESIN THE LETTERS HE SENT ME AT COLLEGE, SOMETIMES HE SEEMED THE ABSURD HERO, SISYPHUS SHOULDERING HIS BOULDER WITH DETACHED JOY. The weekend was of little eonsequense antertainmentwise. I was | called at 3:30 aM for Fay Murray's death. That shot that Friday ‘Saturday. Some highlights of my work her yellow lace bikini rose— fpicid ered panties. Her died red hair after three months of hospitalizati | Her hairdersser and ber hairpieces.. Her bitter green velvet jumpsuit with gold sequined trim and et Neckline. Al LT did my best Jwith red lips, green eyeshadow, Tot? of rouge and eyebrow pencil and dowand behold there lay Fay.” She had lovely flawlessly smocthskin. Everyone was pleased and you would mever. hhaye guessed she was seyey OTHER TIMES, HE WAS DESPAIRING. Sunday 9-24-TT i'm at fun home. tending local tragedy. Beautiful girl, 33, wrapped. her car around one of those big trees in the niger Cisugcarti ward Worked ighteen hours yesterday. Mow I'mhere fighting off the ghouls — it's for my blood pressure. DON'T HAVE ANY LETTERS ABOUT THE SUICIDES HE DEALT WITH, LIKE THE LOCAL DOCTOR WHO SHOT HIMSELF 4 FEW MONTHS BEFORE DAD'S OWN DEATH. BUT YOU WOULD THINK THAT LONG NIGHTS EMPLOYED IN THIS SCUTWORK OF THe FLESH WOULD MAKE ANY— ONE RECONSIDER THE LOGIC OF NOT POSTPONING THEYOU WOULD ALSO THINK THAT A CHILDHOOD SPENT IN SUCH CLOSE PROXIMITY TO THE WORKADAY INCIDENTALS OF DEATH WOULD Be GOOD PREPARATION. Tu Be Back L. ~| AFTER SUPPER | E40 TO FINISH LP. | Wy | K&R PHASE OR TWO OF THE GRIEVING PROCESS--"DENI "ANGER, % ae ig eay --AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE THAT MUCH MORE QUICKLY. BUT IN FACT, ALL THE YEARS SPENT VISITING GRAVEDIGGERS, JOKING WITH BURIAL— VAULT SALESMEN, AND TEASING MY BROTHERS WITH CRUSHED VIALS OF SMELLING SALTS ONLY MADE MY OWN FATHER’S DEATH MORE INCOMPREHENSIBLE. Ss ere 50THE ao. CONUNDRUM OF THE oo THE BARBER, EQUALLY UNABLE TO SHAVE SHAVE! N BARBER WHOSE SIGN wets HIMSELF, AND TO NOT SHAVE HIMGELES 1s SHAVE ALL THOSE MEN, AND ONLY THOSE IMPOSSIBLE. MEN, WHO DO NOT SHAVE. gree vee My FER cole HAVE USED ae BARBER. HIS FACE WAS ROUGH AND DRY, SCRAPED CLEAN wi FROM THE EXPENSIVE POTIONS APTERSHAVES ON THE SLVER TRAY IN HIS BATHROOM AT Ht 7 otHIS WIRY HAIR, WHICH HE HAD DAILY TAKEN 1c WASN'T EVEN SURE IT WAS HIM UNTIL I GREAT PAINS TO STYLE, WAS BRUSHED FOUND THE TINY BLUE TATTOO ON HIS. STRAIGHT UP ON END AND REVEALED A KNUCKLE WHERE HE'D ONCE BEEN SURPRIS| 7 ACCIDENTALLY STABBED WITH A PENCIL. 7 TITTY DRY-EYED AND SHEEPISH, MY BROTHERS =F ONLY THEY MADE SMELLING SALTS TO. AND I LOOKED FOR AS LONG AS WE INDUCE GRIEF-STRICKEN SWOONS, SENSED IT WAS APPROPRIATE. RATHER THAN SNAP YOU OUT OF THEM,I SHOOK IT OFF WITH A VIOLENCE THAT THIS SAME IRRITATION WOULD OVERTAKE WAS, IN FACT, RATHER CONSOLING. ME FOR YEARS AFTE! WHEN & EP VISITED DADS GRAVE. DESECRATED WITH & CHEESY FLAG, PLACED THERE BY ON ONE OCCASION I FOUND IT ING ARMED SERVI ORGANIZATION. I JAVELINED THIS, UGLY BRASS HOLDER AND ALL, INTO THE CORNFIELD THAT THE CEMETERY. IMMEDIATELY ADJOINS HIS PLOT AT THE EDGE OF s3i MY FATHER REALLY BUN ‘ WAS DOWN THERE, Y A ZI TOLD MYSELF. et Ss oo a INTENTIONAL, ACCIDENTAL. IT WAS UNE MORT IMBECILE ANY § WAY YOU LOOKED AT IT. \ ) lyTHAT OLD CATASTROPHEWtfe] MY FATHER'S DEATH P|] WAS A QUEER, BUSINESS--QUEER Pi IT WAS STRANGE, CERTAINLY, IN ITS DEVIATION FROM ‘| OF THINGS. IT WAS SUSPICIOUS. Aes Fate Hing Deeciaee mie ttre erste ree IT PUT MY FAMILY IN A BAD Posim T (D AND RUINED EACH OF US IN PARTICULAR WAYS. © AF IT LEFT ME FEELING QUALMISH, FAINT, BUT MOST COMPELLINGLY AT THE TIME, AND, ON OCCASION, DRUNK, HIS DEATH WAS BOUND UP FoR ME WITH 7 THE ONE DEFINITION CONSPICUOUSLY MISSING FROM OUR MAMMOTH WEBSTER'S. s7ONLY FOUR MONTHS EARLIER, I HAD MY HOMOSEXUALITY REMAINED AT THAT MADE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MY PARENTS. POINT PURELY THEORETICAL, AN UNTESTED HYPOTHESIS. THE NEWS WAS NOT RECEIVED AS WELL AS HAD HOPED. THERE WAS AN EXCHANGE OF DIFFICULT LETTERS WITH MY MOTHER. THEN A PHONE CALL IN WHICH SHE I'D BEEN UPSTAGED, DEMOTED FROM DEALT A STAGGERING BLOW. PROTAGONIST IN MY OWN DRAMA TO: COMIC RELIEF IN MY PARENTS! TRAGEI YOUR FATHER st HAS HAD AFFAIRS. 58T HAP IMAGINED MY CONFESSION AS AN EMANCIPATION FROM MY PARENTS, BUT INSTEAD I WAS PULLED BACK INTO THEIR ORBIT. AND WITH MY FATHER'S: DEATH FOLLOWING IF I HAD NOT FELT COMPELLED TO SHARE MY LITTLE SEXUAL DISCOVERY, PERHAPS THE SEMI WOULD HAVE PASSED WITHOUT INCIDENT FOUR MONTHS LATER. WHY HAD I. TOLD THEM? I HADN'T EVEN WITH ANYONE YET. CONVERSELY, MY FATHER HAD BEEN HAVING SEX WITH MEN FOR YEARS AND NOT TELLING ANYONE. = WHY ARE YOu TELLING Me THIS THE LINE THAT DAD DREW BETWEEN REALITY AND FICTION WAS INDEED 4, BLURRY ONE. TO UNDERSTAND THIS, ONE HAD ONLY TO ENTER HIS LIBRARY. 59FOR ANTONE BUT THE LANDED GENTRY TO REFER TO A ROOM IN THEIR HOUSE AS "THE LIBRARY! MIGHT SEEM AFFECTED. BUT THERE REALLY WAS NO OTHER WORD FOR IT. If MY FATHER LIKED TO IMAGINE HIMSELF AS INETEENTH-CENTURY ARISTOCRAT OVERSEEING AFFECTATION CAN Be --AND BEC FORALL PURPOSES, REAL.THE LIBRARY WAS A FANTASY, BUT A FULLY OPERATIONAL ONE. a in PART OF DAD'S COUNTRY SQUIRE THE PROMISE WAS VERY LIKELY SEXUAL. ROUTINE INVOLVED EDIFYING THE IN SOME CASES, BUT WHATEVER ELSE VILLAGERS--HIS MORE PROMISING MIGHT HAVE BEEN GOING ON, BOOKS: HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS. WERE BEING READ. ————— (LITTERS | ars NS otDAP WAS PASSIONATE ABOUT MANY WRITERS, BUT HE HAD A PARTICULAR REVERENCE FOR FITZGERALD. MY MOTHER HAD SENT HIM 4 BIOGRAPHY OF FITZGERALD BEFORE THEY MARRIED, WHEN BAD WAS IN THE ARMY, GRADUATE ENGLISH PR OVERWHELMED wi THE WORKLOAD. HE hats ih he fe Aerin be THE TALES OF SCOTT AND ZELDa'S DRUNKEN, OUTRAGEOUS BEHAVIOR: CAPTIVATED HIM. petal Pre 7i> FAL oh 50k Pe 0 Ping goteze ad Pe Pips 5 gon he poy / (a0%y PEE C2T COULD NOT HAVE ESCAPED MY FATHER'S: NOTICE THAT DURING SCOTT'S OWN STINT INTHE ARMY HE WROTE HIS FIRST NOVEL AND BEGAN COURTING ZELDA. 4S THIS YOUR TO THIS POINT, BEGAN TO GROW LUSH WITH FITZGERALDESQUE SENTIMENT. j Brit A Lace pot Pot? ere. sport PLL Se A egen~. J tor yo Q bot pre’. at bk . tae gee ant locke ff are eT - TORE THROUGH FITZGERALD'S: STORIES, SEEING HIMSEL! IN VARIOUS CHARACTERS. DAD DOES NOT MENTION (PENTIFYING WITH THE CHARACTER OF JIMMY GATzZ, BUT THE PARALLELS ARE UNAVOIDABLE.LIKE GATSBY, MY FATHER FUELED THIS TRANSFORMATION WITH "THE COLOSSAL VITALITY OF HIS ILLUSION." “ UNLIKE GATSBY, HE DID IT ON A SCHOOLTEACHER'S SALARY. J EVEN SO, HIS NOBLESSE OBLIGE he a BLA WAS ENTIRELY GENUINE. GF i At aac Zeal MY FATHER EVEN LOOKED LIKE GATSBY, OR AT ANY RATE, LIKE ROBERT REDFORD IN SS at 2s eee | TOOK US TO SEE eee | THE MOMENT IT OPENED. i “TT = S i THE 1974 Movie. PERHAPS IT SEEMS LIKE A COLOSSAL ZELDA FITZGERALD ALSO HAP A FLUID ILLUSION ON MY PART TO COMPARE MY HARM, (T We SAID, WHI ELUDED THE FATHER TO ROBERT REDEORD. Sri Canc, ne WHICH eR Wy SCH Pe UAL m eas mio (| BUT HE WAS MORE ATTRAC Rel Ree | TIVE THAN THE PHOTO- GRAPHIC RECORD REVEALS. a |ITHINK WHAT WAS SO ALLURING TO MY FATHER ABOUT FITZGERALD'S STORIES WAS THEIR INEXTRICABILITY FROM FITZGERALD'S LIFE. ‘SUCH A SUSPENSI IN TRADE. —- = MAN, BEING IN THIS ROOM IS LIKE SOME: GOING BACK IN TIME. WHATS THIS SHIT? Ql} ==, = q fe cos = a) I = 5 C V7IF MY FATHER WAS A FITZGERALD CHARACTER, MY MOTHER STEPPED RIGHT OUT OF HENRY JAMES-~A VIGOROUS AMERICAN IDEALIST ENSNARED BY DEGENERATE. CONTINENTAL FORCES. Sal IN FACT, IN COLLEGE SHE PLAYED THE LEAD IN THE HEIRESS, WHICH IS BASED ON JAMES’S NOVEL WASHINGTON SQUARE. I BOUGHT YOU 4 SET OF BUTTONS... RUBIES AND PEARLS.I EMPLOY THESE ALLUSIONS TO JAMES AND FITZGERALD NOT ONLY AS DESCRIPTIVE DEVICES, BUT BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE MOST REAL TO Me IN FICTIONAL TERMS. a] FSR = Zi AND PERHAPS MY COOL AESTHETIC DISTANCE ITSELF DOES MORE TO CONVEY THE ARCTIC CLIMATE OF OUR FAMILY THAN ANY PARTICULAR LITERARY COMPARISON. MY PARENTS SEEMED ALMOST EMBARRASSED BY THE FACT OF THEIR MARRIAGE. THERE WAS NO STORY, FOR EXAMPLE, OF HOW THEY MET. ES ee Ty ae HOw DID You st MEET DAD? ig q anDON'T REMEMBER. pants MIXING, I eee TO INCENTRATE ON WHAT =M ‘DOING MONT. oe DAYS O OF MY FEATHERS SENTT- MENTAL | alice a eo? a 2“ AND ONE TIME MY MOTHER PUT HER HAND THESE STRAY RENTS IN THE OTHERWISE. ON HIS BACK AS WE WERE WATCHING TV. SEAMLESS FABRIC OF THEIR ANTAGONISM... ON BOTH OCCASIONS I WAS | ASTONISHED AND DISCOMFITED.-:WERE VERY NEARLY AS UNNERVING AS MY PARENTS MET, T EVENTUALLY EXTRACTED THE ANTAGONISM ITSELF. FROM MY MOTHER, IN A PERFORMANCE : OF THE TAMING OF THE SHREW. «AND TO CONCLUDE, WE HAVE 'GREED SO’ : WELL TOGETHER THAT UPON SUNDAY IS THE Las 7 bY Z pay ——— pw VEN fd es bd AL sh ee IT WAS A COLLEGE PRODUCTION. MY FATHER HAD A BIT PART AS ONE OF THE PLAYED THE LEAD. I SPECULATE ON WHAT ATTRACTED MY FATHER MORE--THE ROLE, THE ACTRESS, OR MY MOTHER HERSELF. ee ooEVEN IN THOSE PREFEMINIST nce MY PARENTS MUST HAVE FOUND THIS RELATION- MODEL TO BE THEY woo ey HAVE BEEN APPALLED AT THE pe THAT THEIR OWN 1D PLAY OUT IN A SIMILAR WAY.ISABEL ARCHER, THE HEROINE, LEAVES ISABEL TURNS DOWN A NUMBER OF AMERICA FOR EUROPE. SHE'S FILLED WORTHY SUITORS, BUT PERVERSELY WITH HEADY NOTIONS ABOUT LIVING HER = ACCEPTS GILBERT OSMOND, A CULTURED, LIFE FREE FROM PROVINCIAL CONVENTION DISSIPATED, AND PENNILESS EUROPEAN AND CONSTRAINT. ART COLLECTOR. GT SH I S14 EL gq “et 5 MY PARENTS MADE A TRIP TO PARIS. LATER, MY MOTHER WOULD LEARN THAT SOON AFTER THEIR WEDDING, TO VISIT DAD AND HIS FRIEND HAD BEEN LOVERS. AN ARMY FRIEND OF MY FATHER'S. K&S aS \ _ | MUCH LIKE ISABEL ARCHER il | LEARNS THAT GILBERT HAD BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR ALL | ALONG WITH THE WOMAN WHO INTRODUCED THEM.BUT TOO GOOD FOR HER OWN GOOD, ISABEL REMAINS WITH GILBERT... Pe = IBY cl --AND DESPI TO THE CONTRARY, ENDS UP GROUND IN THE VERY MILL OF THE CONVENTIONAL.” IN A PASSPORT PHOTO TAKEN EIGHT YEARS LATER, MY MOTHER'S LUMINOUS FACE HAS GONE DULL. JUN 2.91967 ap miTtED ———eene Nr —Sae ale FY THIS WAS FOR A THREE-WEEK |. 0, TOUR OF EUROPE ON WHICH YP] My BROTHER CHRISTIAN AND I WERE BROUGHT ALONG. ITE ALL HER YOUTHFUL HOPESTWAS A THRILLING TRIP. IN SWITZER- IN CANNES, I ARGUED COMPELLINGLY LAND I Ty MY PARENTS INTO FOR THE RIGHT TO EXCHANGE MY TANK BUYING ME HIKING BOOTS. SUIT FOR A PAIR GF SHORTS. r = SUCH FREEDOM FROM CONVENTION WAS INTOXICATING. BUT WHILE OUR TRAVELS: WIDENED MY SCOPE, I SUSPECT MY PARENTS FELT THEIR OWN DWINDLING. lL Ta SF | PERHAPS THIS WAS WHEN I CEMENTED THE UNSPOKEN COMPACT WITH THEM THAT I WOULD NEVER GET MARRIED, THAT I WOULD CARRY ON TO LIVE THE ARTIST'S LIFE HAD EACH ABDICATED. IT WOULD BE ALOT EASIER IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE YOUR ‘STUPID GIANT SHOES IN HERE.THAT IS IN FACT WHAT CAME TO: TO FASS. BUT NOT IN THE WAY ANY OF US HAD EXPECTED. 990-903 SACTeNOOsS A REVELATION NOT OF ne FLESH, BUT OF THE MIND. rp ape HAVING Si SINCE Me =x Seen THE WORP DUE TO ITS ALARMING PROMINENCE IN MY DICTIONARY. BUT Now NOT ER BOOK "A BOOK ABOUT PEOPLE WHO HAD COMPLETELY CAST ASIDE THEIR O1 “ELABORATED ON THAT DEFINITION, v4THAT FIRST VOLUME LED QUICKLY TO ATFEW DAYS LATER T SCREWED UP MY OTHERS. COURAGE AND BOUGHT ONE. es. BOOK REFERRED TO OTHER BOOKS, IN LIBRARY. I FOUND 4 FOUR-FOOT TROVE IN THE AND SOON I WAS TROLLING EVEN THE fe STACKS WHICH I QUICKLY RAVISHED. PUBLIC LIBRARY, HEEDLESS OF THE RISKS. yeeT 7 MY RESEARCHES WERE “CS ee | IT BECAME CLEAR I WAS: GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE THIS ACADEMIC PLANE AND: ENTER THE HUMAN FRAY. I WENT TO 4 MEETING OF SOMETHING BUT MY MERE PRESENCE, I FELT, HAD CALLED THE "GAY UNION," WHICH I AMOUNTED TO A PUBLIC DECLARATION. OBSERVED IN PETRIFIED SILENCE. I LEFT EXHILARATED. IT WAS IN THAT TREMULGUS STATE THAT I DETERMINED TO TELL MY PARENTS. EM. AY. ING IT FROM THEM HAD STARTED TO: LJ =i k READING? ANTY— DoT OM cers 4 THING GOOD? jaa CoRR, [Lt GAY REPORT HOMOSE XUALITIES —: Ez ( 4ID IT VIA LETTER--A REMOTE MEDIUM, MY FATHER CALLED AFTER RECEIVING IT. BUT AS I HAVE EXPLAINED, WE WERE HE SEEMED STRANGEL THAT SORT OF FAMILY. BUT HER RETURN €PISTLE ARRIVED A WEEK AND A HALF LATER. UHH...SHE'S WATCHING SOMETHING ON TV. SHE WAS PRETTY UPSET. 285 Ye 1g or, 3] AS DISAPPROVAL GOES, I ig | SUPPOSE IT WAS RATHER M ‘ Te pls eee hee mre, fehl 1 Preside, Ve hor here's ‘aiife - IHER P.S. INSTRUCTED ME TO DESTROY IN AN ATTEMPT TO SALVE THE WOUND, | LETTER. I BOUGHT MYSELF A PRESENT. A SYMBOL OF SELF-RELIANCE? AT ANY OPENING IT BACK IN MY ROOM, I ACCI- DENTALLY CUT MY FINGER. ZI SMEARED THE BLOOD INTO MY JOURNAL, PLEASED BY THE OPPORTUNITY TO TRANSMIT MY ANGUISH TO THE PAGE SO LITERALLY. 78I RESPONDED TO MY MOTHER'S SHE FILLED ME IN A FEW DATS LATER. BY POINT, Ni] And regarding your third Paragraph, no, T have no idea what you're talking about. What catastrophe? LESALE REVISION OF MY HISTORY--A HISTORY WHICH, I MIGHT ADD, HAD ALREADY BEEN REVISED ONCE. IN THE PRECEDING MONTHS--LEFT ME. STUPEFIED. BUT NOT QUITE STUPEFIED ENOUGH--A SOON, HOWEVER, I DISCOVERED AN “ANESTHETI CONDITION WHICH I REMEDIED UPON EVEN MORE P¢ Ic. HANGING UP THE PHONE. PLASTIC TUBING AVAILABLE AT ANY “SQ HARDWARE STORE ppTHE NOTION THAT MY SORDID PERSONAL AND BY MIDTERM T HAD BEEN SEDUCED LIFE HAD SOME SORT OF LARGER IMPORT COMPLETELY. WAS STRANGE, BUT SEDUCTIVE. FEMINISM IS THE THEORY. LESBIANISM 1S THE PRACTI« THIS WAS STREWN WITH BOOKS, HOWEVER, IN WHAT WAS FOR ME A NOVEL FUSION OF WORD AND DEED. I LOST MY BEARINGS. THE DICTIONARY SOME OF OUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD HAD BECOME EROTIC. STORIES WERE REVEALED AS PROP: GOD. CHRISTOPHER ROBIN'S ORAL, OSCILLATE, A TOTAL IMPERIALIST? OSCULATE, ORIFICE... BoOTHERS AS PORNOGRAPHY. IN THE HARSH LIGHT OF MY DAWNING FEMINISM, EVERYTHING LOOKED DIF! THIS ENTWINED POLITICAL AND SEXUAL. THe AWAKENING WAS A WELCOME DISTRACTION. INCREAS! NEWS FROM HOME WAS INGLY UNSETTLING. 81You're sitting in the library feet up on his desk. AND DON'T ouet: Pick Your mother comes in ia. A CHEAP PAPERBACK. her face warm and white KE TAKE SOMETHING floating gingerly over her fj Oo bathrobe - i} b 7 She télls me to choose a book. IP) $2 SP r ; Gohan 7-H Cleth-bound, grey and turquoise os Se Se heavy in my hand as a turtle shell \ e ag Z Filled with mud. (Ke; i. =" \ OUT OF THE HUNDREDS OF BOOKS ON THE SHELVES, T DON'T THINK SHE COULD HAVE MADE 4 BETTER CHOICE. TK! "COMPLACENCIES OF THE PEIGNOIR, AND LATE ) COFFEE AND ORANGES IN A SUNNY CHAIR..." OH, T LOVE WALLACE STEVENS. DO YOU KNOW "SUNDAY MORNING"? IT'S. MY FAVORITE POEM. 1S” Nk CR B82; "AND THE GREEN FREEDOM OF A seer | So gS havc . MINGLE To DISSIPATE THE HOLY HUSH OF (HONEST To GoD, WE HAD a FA PANTING Inthe BRATS IN MANY WAYS MY MOTHER'S CATHOLICISM BUT SACRIFICE WAS A PRINCIPLE THAT WAS MORE FORM THAN CONTENT... SHE GRASPED INSTINCTIVELY. "SHE DREAMS A LITTLE AND SHE FEELS THE DARK ENCROACHMENT OF THAT OLD CATASTROPHE AS A CALM DARKENS NG WATER-LIGHTS.” AMO) PIT yay wa ys - si PERHAPS SHE ALSO LIKED THE POEM BECAUSE ITS JUXTAPOSITION OF CATASTROPHE WITH A PLUSH DOMESTIC INTERIOR IS LIFE WITH MY FATHER IN A NUTSHELL, DAD'S DEATH WAS NOT A NEW CATASTROPHE BUT AN OLD ONE THAT HAD BEEN UNFOLDING VERY SLOWLY FOR A LONG TIME. ON SEE 83CAUSALITY IMPLIES CONNECTION, CONTACT OF SOME KIND, AND ecu (CONVINCING THEY MIGHT BE, YOU CAN'T LAY HANDS ON Ark NAL CHARACTER. THERE'S A SCENE IN THE GREAT GATSBY WHERE A, PARTY GUEST IS CARRIED aie ey ine COVERT, THAT THE VOLUMES IN ‘Sasevs L LIBRARY ARE NOT CARD- _—=—_—__ "WHAT THOROUGHNESS, oe REALISM?" HE EXCLAIMS. " TO STOP, TOO. DIDN'T Cure PAGES™ cade, nS {esa My My EATHER'S TERS BOOKS! THE. HARDBOUND ONES: leIF FITZGERALD'S OWN LIFE HADN'T TURNED MY FATHER'S WORN ONES SIGNIFY FROM FAIRY TALE TO TRAGEDY, WOULD SAME THING--THE PREFERENCE OF HIS STORIES OF DISENCHANTMENT HAVE AFICTION TO REALITY. "ATHER? RESONATED SO DEEPLY WITH MY F; | d MY FATHER WAS FORTY— FOUR WHEN HE DieD, Too. iN STRUCK BY THE COINCIDENCE, I COUNTED OUT THEIR LIFESPANS. THE SAME NUMBER OF MONTHS, THE SAME NUMBER OF WEEKS...BUT FITZGERALD LIVED THREE DAYS LONGER. IT ZR a el BSFOR A WILD MOMENT I ENTERTAINED THE IDEA THAT MY FATHER HAD TIMED HIS DEATH WITH THIS IN MIND, AS SOME SORT OF DERANGED TRIBUTE. BUT THAT WOULD ONLY CONFIRM THAT HIS DEATH WAS NOT MY FAULT. THAT, IN FACT, IT HAD NOTHING To Do WITH Me AT ALL. VS Tart RAS SohoIN THE SHADOW OF YOUNG GIRLS IN FLOWERWtI HAVE SUGGESTED THAT MY FATHER KILLED HIMSELF, BUT IT’S JUST AS ACCURATE TO SAY THAT HE DIED GARDENING. ETS A HE'D BEEN CLEARING BRUSH FROM THE YARD OF AN OLD FARMHOUSE HE AND HAD JUST CROSSED ROUTE 150 TO THE TRUCK DRIVER DEScRIBED MY TOSS AN ARMLOAD OVER THE BANK. FATHER AS JUMPING BACKWARD INTO THE ROAD “AS IF HE SAW A SNAKE.’(OF ALL HIS DOMESTIC INCLINATIONS, MY FATHER'S DECIDED BENT FOR GARDENING WAS THE MOST REDOLENT TO ME OF THAT OTHER, MORE DEEPLY DISTURBING BENT. 7 AEBEm UG 3 OUR HOME WAS AN EFFLORESCENCE OF : BULBS, BUDS, AND BLOOMS, FLOWERS = WILD AND CULTIVATED, NATIVE AND: AN i ui IMPORTED, FLOWERING VINES AND TREES... i PA, ne ae | FN =< ye Ik fd Pa ares fh: ‘i y yw : PA Ny oN Cot ae SILK FLOWERS, GLASS FLOWERS, AT EASTER, DAD WOULD PAINT Goose NEEDLEPOINT FLOWERS, FLOWER PAINT- — EGGS WITH TWINING TEA ROSES. INGS AND, WHERE ANY OF THESE FAILED TO MATERIALIZE, FLORAL PATTERNS.DURING THE ENSUING HUNT, WE WOULD BE SURE TO FIND A YELLOW EGG IN A THATCH OF DAFFODILS, A LAVENDER &G6G PASSING ITSELF OFF AS A CROCUS... ROSS ay ee ie pe ETA OUR GAMES OF BASEBALL--ALREADY THERE MY FATHER WOULD BECOME LOST LETHARGIC AFFAIRS--WOULD GRIND TO = TO US IN A REVERY OF WEEDING, AHALT AS SOON AS THE BALL ROLLED NEAR A PERENNIAL BORDER. AT THE FUN HOME, DAD WOULD TAKE A BREAK FROM HIS GRISLY CHORES TO TWEAK THE STIFF ARRANGEMENTS DELIVERED BY THE FLORIST. UGLY AS THESE WERE, THEIR QUICK, DAMP SCENT MASKED THE ODOR OF FORMALDEHYDE,UT i] IF MY FATHER HAD A FAVORITE FLOWER, IT WAS THE LILAC. ra. ATRAGIC BOTANICAL SPECIMEN, INVARIABLY BEGINNING TO FADE. EVEN BEFORE REACHING ITS PEAK, We stopped for a moment by the fence, Lilac-time was nearly over; some of the trees still thrust aloft, in tall purple chandeliers, their tiny balls of blossom, but in many places among their foliage where, only a week before, they had still been breaking in waves of fragrant foam, these were now spent and shrivelled and discoloured, a hollow scum, dry and scentless. My grandfather pointed oul to my fa i 3 the aj of THAT'S HOW PROUST DESCRIBES THE MY FATHER, AS I SAY, HAD BEGUN LILACS BORDERING SWANN'S WAY IN READING THIS THE YEAR BEFORE HE DIED. ~THEY SHOULD BLOOM INA COUPLE WEEKS IF WE'RE CAREFUL. — Rea ‘he THROUGH THE HEDGE, PROUST'S NARRATOR COULD SEE EVEN DEEPER INTO SWANN'S GARDEN. THE YOUNG NARRATOR, FAILING TO DISTINGUISH THIS GIRL, GILBERTE, FROM THE GENERAL FLORAL FECUNDITY, INSTANTLY FELL IN LOVE WITH HER. S APINK DOGWOOD FLOWER IS THE MosT IFUL SHADE Pag OF PINK IN THE WORLD. i ae IF THERE WAS EVER A BIGGER | ]] PANSY THAN MY FATHER, IT — L PROUST. a ——__ 93PROUST WOULD HAVE INTENSE, ..BUT IT WAS YOUNG, OFTEN STRAIGHT, EMOTIONAL FRIENDSHIPS WITH MEN WITH WHOM HE FELL IN LOVE. FASHIONABLE WOMEN... HE WOULD ALSO FICTIONALIZE REAL PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE BY GENDER--THE \TOR'S LOVER ALBERTINE, FOR EXAMPLE, PORTRAIT OF PROUST'S BELOVED CHAUFFEUR/SECRETARY, MY FATHER COULD NOT. SPRING FOR THE OCCASIONAL CHAUFFEUR/SECRETARY. ASSISTANT/BABYSITTER. =HE WOULD CULTIVATE B THESE YOUNG MEN LIKE ORCHIDS. xz Zebuine> THEIR MASCULINE CHARMS. INDEED, I HAD BECOME A CONNOISSEUR oF OF MASCULINITY, AT AN EARL ESENSED A CHINE IN MY FAMILY'S ARMOR, AN UNDEFENDED Gap IN THE CIRCLE OF WAGONS WHICH CRIED OUT, IT SEEMED TO ME, FOR SOME PLAIN, TWO-FISTED: SINEW. 95.T MEASURED MY FATHER AGAINST THE GRIMY DEER HUNTERS AT THE GAS STATION UPTOWN, WITH THEIR YELLOW WORKBOOTS AND SHORN-SHEEP HAIRCUTS. AND WHERE HE FELL SHORT, I STEPPED IN. = WHERE'S YOUR BARRETTE?P dm SUCCESS THE NICKNAME BESTOWED ON ME BY MY OLDER COUSINS. PTSTWAS SELF-DPESCRIPTIVE. CROPPED, CURT, AND DESPITE THE TYRANNICAL POWER WITH PERCUSSIVE. PRACTICALLY ONOMATOPOEIC. WHICH HE HELD SWAY, IT WAS CLEAR TO AT ANY RATE, THE OPPOSITE OF SISSY. ME THAT MY FATHER WAS A BIG SISSY. 7 -— HOMOSEXUAL CHARACTERS AS “INVERTS.” I'Ve ALWAYS BEEN FOND OF THIS ANTI- QUATED CLINICAL TERM. DON'T CARE! NEXT TIME I SEE YOU WITHOUT] TT, T/LL WALE YOU. ms IMPRECISE AND INSUFFICIENT, DEFINING THE HOMOSEXUAL AS A PERSON WHOSE GENPER EXPRESSION Is AT ODDS WITH HIS OR HER SEX. L 5 PSS) Weg | Sr ee eh ee F ~~ Ca EE En im bee mh eatNOT ONLY WERE WE INVERTS. WE WERE INVERSIONS OF ONE ANOTHER. Le Y x WHILE I WAS TRYING TO COMPENSATE FOR SOMETHING UNMANLY IN HIM... a 'S .-HE WAS ATTEMPTING TO EXPRESS SOMETHING FEMININE THROUGH ME. YOU'RE GOING TO UPSTAGE THE BRIDE IN THAT SUIT. 98BETWEEN US LAY A SLENDER BUT I WANTED THE MUSCLES AND TWEED DEMILITARIZED ZONE--OUR SHARED LIKE MY FATHER WANTED THE VELVET AND ICE FOR MASCULINE BEAUTY. PEARLS--SUBJE ECTIVELY, FOR MYSELF. ‘| THE OBJECTS OF OUR DESIRE WERE DIFFERENT.SHORTLY AFTER DAD DIED, T WAS ROOTING THROUGH A BOX OF FAMILY PHOTOS AND CAME ACROSS ONE I HAD NEVER SEEN, AND OUT OF FOCUS. BUT THE SUBJECT IS CLEARLY OUR YARD WORK ASSISTANT/ BABYSITTER, RO” IT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN TAKEN ON A VACATION WHEN 2 WAS EIGHT, A TRIP ON WHICH ROY ACCOMPANIED MY FATHER, MY BROTHERS, AND Me TO THE JERSEY SHORE WHILE MY MOTHER VISITED HER OLD ROOMMATE IN NEW YORK CITY. REMEMBER THE HOTEL ROOM. MY BROTHERS AND T SLEPT IN ONE ADJOINING IT. THE BLURRINESS OF THE PHOTO GivES IT AN ETHEREAL, PAINTERLY QUALITY. ROY |S GILDED WITH MORNING SEASIDE LIGHT. HIS HAIR IS AN AUREOLE. A SEVENTEEN Year gre GIRL? WHY AM I NOT PROPERLY OUTRAGED?PERHAPS T IDENTIFY TOO WELL WITH MY FATHER'S ILLICIT AWE. A TRACE OF THIS SEEMS CAUGHT IN THE PHOTO, JUST AS A TRACE OF ROY HAS BEEN CAUGHT ON THE LIGHT-SENSITIVE PAPER. THE PICTURE WAS IN AN ENVELOPE LABELED "FAMILY" IN DAD'S HAND— WEUTING, ALONG WITH OTHER SHOTS FROMTHE SAME TRIP. THE BORPERS OF ALL THE PHOTOS ARE PRINTED "AUG 69," BUT ON THE ONE OF ROY, PAP HAS CAREFULLY BLOTTED OUT THE "G9" AND TWO SMALL BULLETS ON ETHER SIDE WITH A BLUE MAGIC MARKER. I'S A CURIOUSLY INEFFECTUAL ATTEMPT AT CENSORSHIP. WHY CROSS OUT THE YEAR AND NOT THE MONTH? WHY, FOR THAT MATTER, LEAVE THE PHOTO IN THE ENVELOPE AT ALL? IN AN ACT OF PRESTIDIGITATION TYPICAL OF THE WAY MY FATHER JUGGLED HIS PUBLIC APPEARANCE AND PRIVATE REALITY, THE EVIDENCE IS SIMULTANEOUSLY HIDDEN AND REVEALED.4 PERUSAL OF THE NEGATIVES REVEALS THREE BRIGHT SHOTS OF MY BROTHERS AND ME ON THE BEACH FOLLOWED BY THE DARK, MURKY ONE OF ROY ON THE BED, IN ONE OF PROUST'S SWEEPING BUT AT THE END OF THE NOVEL THE TWO WAYS ARE REVEALED TO CONVERGE--TO NVERGED=-THRO! ISVERSALS HAVE ALWAYS CO} UGH A WAST "NETWORK OF TRAN! AFTER A FEW DAYS AT THE BEACH, WE DROVE TO NEW YORK TO PICK MOM UP, 402SHE WAS STATING ON BLEECKER STREET WITH HER FRIEND ELLY. THEY HAD LiveD TOGETHER NEAR- BY ON CHRISTO- f (aS : ROY TOOK US FOR A WALK WHILE DAD WENT UP TO THE APARTMENT. IN THE HOT AUGUST AFTERNOON, THE CITY WAS REDUCED, LIKE 4 LONG-SIMMERING DEMIGLACE, TO 4 FRAGRANCE OF STUNNING RICHNESS AND COMPLEXITY. Wi fone d A Geb I poa ! o MENTHOL 4o3L L ZEN) A Vlats a b Ady e, Sy} MAYBE I WAS EXPERIENCING A & &| CONTACT HIGH FROM THE LSD TRIPS: o> hy 7 i } x) NO DOUBT SWIRLING AROUND US, ie $9] lee a rose OR PERHAPS IT WAS A CONTACT HIGH OF A os DIFFERENT SORT. IT HAD ONLY BEEN A FEW WEEKS SINCE THE STONEWALL RIOTS, I REALIZE NOW. AND WHILE T ACKNOWLEDGE THE ABSURDITY OF CLAIMING A. CONNECTION TO THAT MYTHOLOGIZED FLASHPOINT... «MIGHT NOT 4 LINGERING VIBRATION, A QUANTUM PARTICLE. OF REBELLION, STILL HAVE HUNG IN THE HUMECTANT AIR? 352 Sees 404Pe) HOW MUCH DID MY MOTHER'S MILIEU FACTOR _ INTO HIS ATTRACTION? aR fe Torro AT THE VERY LEAST, THIS AFTERNOON IS A CURIOUS WATERSHED BETWEEN MY PARENTS’ YOUNG ADULTHOOD IN THE CITY A DECADE EARLIER, AND MY OWN A DECADE LATER. HAD HE SOMEHOW CONFLATED HER WITH HER ADDRESS, LIKE PROUST’S NARRATOR HAD WITH GILBERTE AND THE GARDEN? = 4os,IVE NEVER BEEN INSIDE THE FRONT ON SUCCESSIVE VISITS TO THE CITY, DOOR OF MOM'S OLD BUILDING, BUT GREW TO KNOW THE NEIGHBORHOOD. I'M AS NOSTALGIC ABOUT IT AS IF I'D = LIVED THERE MYSELF. YEARS LATER, ON AN EVENING OF BAR- HOPPING, T ENTERED THIS ESTABLISH MENT WITH A GANG OF LESBIAN FRIENDS. | sumone ae pe anim ie b torn WE LEFT, TOO NAIVE TO REALIZE WE'D BEEN GIGHTY-SIXED. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THE TERM EIGHTY-SIX. WHEN I DID LEARN IT, MY RETROACTIVE MORTIFICATION WAS SOFTENED BY THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I'D TAKEN PART IN SUCH A LEXICOGRAPHICAL EVENT. ‘by this gun. 3 Bie es eight-y-sixed, of os a see 1 86 (afté-siks’) trv elgnt-y: ed, eight-y-six. ions oy sixees or 86-ed, 86-ing, 86-es Slang 1. To refuses, serve (an unwelcome customer) at a bar or restaurant. 2a. To throw ow, eject. b. To throw away: discard. [Perhaps af ter Chumley's bar and res. taurant at 86 Bedford Street in Greenwich Village, New York City] in suff A chemical compound related to a specified corapound with 10@WERE MANY SUCH HUMILIATIONS IN I'D COME TO NEW YORK AFTER COLLEGE, STORE FOR ME AS A YOUNG LESBIAN. EXPECTING A BOHEMIAN REFUGE... UM...THAT WAS VERY BRAVE OF ape IVE NEVER Osa seBUT THE VILLAGE IN THE EARLY EIGHTIES WAS A. COLD, MERCENARY PLACE. ONCE, MY MOTHER SHARED A GLIMPSE OF LIFE THERE IN THE OLD Days. OH, L'M USED: To IT. HERE, I'D LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO A RADICAL WOMEN MEETING. ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH USP IF THE COPS SEARCHED ME, COULD I PASS THE THREE- ARTICLES-OF-WOMEN'S— CLOTHING RULE? DRESSING. 407WOULD I HAVE HAD THE GUTS TO BE ONE OR WOULD I HAVE MARRIED AND SOUGHT OF THOSE EISENHOWER-ERA BUTCHES?P = SUOCOR FROM MY HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS? IN DAD'S EDITION OF PROUST, THE TITLE OF VOLUME FOUR IS CHASTELY TRANSLATED. AS CITIES OF THE PLAIN FROM THE FRENCH SODOME ET GOMORRHE . Te Sisal NPS WHAT ARE Ga FRENCH CUFFS?THE ORIGINAL TITLE OF VOLUME TWO IS A L‘OMBRE DES JEUNES FILLES EN FLEURS, LITERALLY "IN THE SHADOW OF YOUNG GIRLS IN FLOWER. / THEY FOLD Back, <2 AND YOU HAVE TO THE TRANSLATION TO WITHIN A BUDDING GROVE SHIFTS THE EMPHASIS PRIMLY FROM THE EROTIC TO THE BOTANICAL. AND BUDDING IS THE ONLY POSSIBLE WORD TO DESCRIBE THE PAINFUL, ITCHY BEGINNINGS OF MY BREASTS I'S TRUE I HAD NOT WANTED TO GROW BREASTS, BUT IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME THAT THEY | WOULD HURT. qo_-_ —] | CAN I GET ONEP WE'D HAVE TO MEASURE STRIPED, WITH A WHITE YOUR... APPENDAGES. COLLAR AND FRENCH FOES ASKING FOR A CUSTOM- WHY AREN'T YOU COMING, MMP Z ¢ — = HOW ARE YOU GOING ; THERE'S A SPRINGN| TO KEEP THE BACON ey WE'LL PUT IT IN AND MILK COLD? b THE WATER. Loca SEAY HoTHE PLAN WAS TO GO TO OUR FAMILY’S: THE BULLPEN WAS OUT IN THE FOREST DEER CAMP, CALLED THE BULLPEN. (OF THE ALLEGHENY PLATEAU, WHI > ONCE STRETCHED UNDIFFERENTIATED Go) AL THE WAY To Lake ERIE. oa PINS NOW IT WAS GOUGED WITH VAST STRIP MINES. MY BROTHERS AND I WERE EXCITED ABOUT SEEING THE MONSTROUS SHOVELS THAT TORE OFF WHOLE MOUNTAINTOPS. RE'S SO) MINING GOING ON JUST DOWN ROAD. BIG AS HOUSES, THOSE RIGS. ENOUGH To Me. GSI FELTAS iF 2'D BEEN STRIPPED NAKED CAB = ‘4 vi mA) lmerarontINSIDE I WAS ASTONISHED BY WHAT STRUCK ME AS A, BIZARRE COINCIDENCE. AS THE MAN SHOWED US AROUND, IT Set IMPERATIVE THAT HE NOT KNOW I WAS A GIRL. =-NOT TO MENTION A TIDY MELDING OF PROUST'S REAL AND HIS FICTIONAL ALBERTINE. 3THE NEXT DAY, DAD WENT BACK TO TOWN FOR A FUNERAL. BILL SHOWED MY BROTHERS AND ME HOW TO SHOOT HIS .22, NONE OF US COULD MANAGE TO PU == ABASHED, WE SLUNK INTO THE WOODS TO GET CANS OF POP FROM THE SPRING. i NM Fee, a 7 Ie LS OE oe = en = i | BUT LIKE \WELER IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY WHO RUNS INTO ea = SS] SOMEQNE FROM HOME--SOMEONE THEY'VE NEVER SPOKEN TO, P BUT KNOW BY SIGHT--I RECOGNIZED HER WITH A SURGE OF sor. ily nsWHAT ELSE COULD I SAY? BUT THE VISION _ OF THE TRUCK-DRIVING BULLDYKE SUSTAINED ME THROUGH THE OTT € ey IDS SY > Seiya AFTER DAD DIED, AN UPDATED TRANS— LATION OF PROUST CAME OUT. REMEM= fi) BRANCE OF THINGS PAST WAS RE-TITLED IN SEARCH OF LOST TIME. RE LITERAL OESN'T QUITE CAPTURE THE FULL RESONANCE OF PERDU. THIS MEANS NOT JUST LosT BUT RUINED, UNDONE, WASTED, WRECKED, AND SPOILED. 9WHAT'S LOST IN TRANSLATION IS THE COMPLEXITY OF LOSS ITSELF. IN THE SAME BOX WHERE I FOUND THE PHOTO OF ROY, THERE'S ONE OF DAD AT ABOUT THE SAME AGE. HE'S WEARING A WOMEN'S. BATHING SUIT. 4 FRATER- NITY PB IN ANOTHER PICTURE, HE'S SUN= BATHING ON THE TARPAPER ROOF Rk HE TURNED TWENTY-TWO. WAS THE a WAS g) AS THE GIRL WHO TOOK THIS. BOY WHO TOOK IT HIS LOVER? POLAROID OF ME ON 4 FIRE ESCAPE ON MY TWENTY- FIRST BIRTHDAY WAS MINE? 420THE CANARY-COLORED CARAVAN OF DEATHWt, Be a 5% AT FIRST HE IGNORED ME. I RACED OVER WHEN HE Fl FINALLY GOT THERE, THE SUN FH VELVETY HOSS: IN MY BARE FEET. HAD SUNK BEHIND THE HORIZO! at AND TS Jy] THe Be { | f Nee eh oe 14 i p eed ep ie by P : NZ mS INC mee. MISSED > A M1 GOD, TWAS. BEAUTIFUL! Sa ae ears 2IN THE OW GAnING OF STANDS A MAN, MY WE HAD cn Core Oe COLOR! BOoK |. SHEPARD’S ILLUSTRATIONS OF HIS CREATIVE LIGHT. FOR THE Win iN THe WILLOWS. || PAD HAD READ Me BITS OF THe STORY cLe THE REAL BOOK, IN ONE SCENE, THE CHARMING 30 Soo mee TOAD A GYP: I NEVER WROTE ANOTHER POEM, AND SOON, I ABANDONED COLOR TOO.IT WAS A CRAYONIC TOUR DE FORCE. HERE. TLL DO THE REST IN LOOK. BY ADDING THIN LAYERS OF YELLOW, AND YOUR BLUE SIDE, J GOLDENROD AND YELLOW-ORANGE, WILL BE IN SHADOW. I GET A RICHER COLOR. MY MOTHER'S TALENTS WERE NO LESS DAUNTING. ONCE I WENT WITH HER TO A, HOUSE WHERE SHE ARGUED WITH A STRANGE MAN, AS IF SHE KNEW HIM INTIMATELY. ALOT OF WOMEN T KNOW WOULD HAVE BROUGHT THEIR WHOLE. FAMILIES TO Live OFF YOU. ALL I BROUGHT WAS GRANDMA. GRANDMA, 1S ALL THE FAMILY T HAVE. \ tee A i THIS WAS ACTING. I HAVE A RIGHT TO LIVE OFF YOU BECAUSE I MARRIED YOU, AND BECAUSE I USED TO LET YOU GET ON TOP OF ME AND BUMP YOUR UGLIES. THINGS ON THE PLANO, EVEN THE MUSIC FROM THE DOWNY COMMERCIAL ON TV. ————> a 4137DID CHOPIN WRITE. CHOPSTICKS? SEVERAL YEARS AFTER DAD DieD, MOM WAS USING OUR OLD TAPE RECORDER TO REHEARSE FOR A PLAY. SHE READ FROM THE SCRIPT, LEAVING PAUSES WHERE IT WAS. HER CHARACTER'S TURN TO SPEAK. Cot THANKS: FOR ASKING To RUB IT, THOUGH. THOR: WELL, SHE TOLD ME SHE DIDN'T WANT Me TO RUB HER. WHEN SHE CHECKED TO MAKE SURE THE +-SHE REALIZED THAT SHE WAS TAPING MACHINE WAS RECORDING PROPERLY... OVER MY FATHER’S VOICE. KKKLICK...AND SMALL, MULLIONED WINDOWS, SIX PANES OVER NINE. AFTER THE FLOOD OF 1865, IT WAS RADICALLY ALTERED BY THE NEW OWNER INTO A GOTHIC REVIVAL COTTAGE STYLE... 432IT'S JARRING TO HEAR MY FATHER SPEAK FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. THIS OWNER CHANGED: THE ROOFS, THE PORCHES, THE PROCEEDING TO THE EAST PARLOR, CHIMNEYS, THE FIREPLACES, THE WITH ITS BOLDLY SCROLLED Rococo WALLS, THE WOODWORK, UNTIL IT PAPERS AND ITS BORDERED WALL- BECAME A STYLISH TOWN HOUSE TO-WALL CARPET, YOU WILL. SEE THE SUITABLE FOR A PROSPEROUS SHOWPLACE ROOM OF THE HOUSE. LAWYER'S FAMILY. BUT THE MOST ARRESTING THING ABOUT THE TAPE IS ITS EVIDENCE OF BOTH MY PARENTS AT WORK, INTENT ANP SEPARATE. +1.RUB HER BACK FOR HER. KKKKLICK...AND SMALL, MULLIONED WINDOWS... HE'S NOT TALKING ABOUT OUR HOUSE. HE'S PREPAR- z la os ING A GUIDED TOUR OF A a2 MUSEUM RUN BY THE COUNTY ay HISTORICAL SOCIETY, OF i WHICH HE WAS PRESIDENT. ht THEIR RAPT IMMERSION EVOKES A T'S CHILDISH, PERHAPS, TO GRUDGE FAMILIAR RESENTMENT IN ME. THEM THE SUSTENANCE OF THEIR: CREATIVE SOLITUDE. 133BUT IT WAS ALL THAT SUSTAINED THEM, FROM THEIR EXAMPLE, AND WAS THUS: AE SCONSURUNE: QUICKLY TO FEED MYSELF. IT WAS A VICIOUS CIRCLE, THOUGH. THE MORE GRATIFICATION WE FOUND IN OUR OWN, GENIUSES, THE MORE ISOLATED We GREW. AND IN THIS ISOLATION: | ne CREATIVITY Te AN ASPECT OF COMPULSION. SESSMY ACTUAL OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER BEGAN WHEN I WAS TEN. FIRST [T INVOLVED A LOT OF COUNTING, TRYING TO MANIP- ULATE THE SLIGHTLY LEAKY BATHTUB FAUCET WITH MY TOE SO THAT IT WOULD STOP ON AN EVEN NUMBER OF DRIPS. FS eS ODP NUMBERS AND MULTIPLES OF CROSSING THRESHOLDS BECAME A TIME- THIRTEEN WERE TO BE AVOIDED AT CONSUMING PROCEDURE SINCE I HAD TO ALL COSTS. TABULATE THE NUMBER OF EDGES OF FLOORING I SAW THERE. 24, 25...2679 27, 28. IF THESE FAILED TO ADP UPTO AN EVEN THEN CAME THE INVISIBLE SUBSTANCE NUMBER, I'D INCLUDE ANOTHER THAT HUNG IN DOORWAYS, AND THAT, I SUBDIVISION, PERHAPS THE SMALL SOON REALIZED, HUNG LIKE SWAGS OF GROOVES IN THE METAL STRIP. DRAPERY BETWEEN ALL SOLID OBJECTS. 135THIS HAP To BE GATHERED AND DIS- DESPITE MY UNRELENTING VIGILANCE, THESE EFFORTS FELL SHORT. ODD NUMBERS AND MULTIPLES OF THIRTEEN WERE EVERYWHERE. AND FESTOONS OF THE NOXIOUS SUBSTANCE PROLIFERATED BEYOND MY CONTROL. SO MY PREVENTIVE MEASURES SPAWNED MORE STOPGAP MEASURES. " Wile IF I HADN'T SUCCESSFULLY NAVIGATED: AND TO ENSURE THAT THE INCANTATION le MY DAY WENT WELL, I TRIED TO. WOULD BE EFFECTIVE, COULD REPEAT DUPLICATE AS MANY OF ITS CONDITIONS IT, THIS TIME WITH HAND GESTURES. AS POSSIBLE. AND IF IT DIDN'T, I MADE ADJUSTMENTS TO MY REGIMEN.LIFE HAD BECOME A LABORIOUS ROUND OF CHORES. GAFTER I CLEARED IT AwaAr, THE INVISIBLE SUBSTANCE WOULD IMMEDIATELY REPLENISH ITSELF.) AT THE END OF THE DAY, IF I UNDRESSED IN THE WRONG ORDER, I HAD TO PUT MY CLOTHES BACK ON AND START AGAIN. T TOOK SEVERAL PAINSTAKING MINUTES TO LINE UP MY SHOES EXACTLY, SO AS TO SHOW NEITHER ONE PREFERENCE. NO MATTER HOW TIRED I WAS AFTER ALL THIS, I HAP To KISS EACH OF MY STUFFED ANIMALS--AND NOT JUST IN A PERFUNCTORY WAY. THEN I'D BRING ONE OF THE THREE BEARS TO BED WITH ME, ALTERNATING NIGHTLY BETWEEN MOTHER, FATHER, AND BABY. THOUGH IT VERGES ON THE. BATHETIC, I SHOULD POINT OUT THAT NO ONE HAD KISSED ME GOOD NIGHT IN YEARS. 137ALISON, MayYBe You YW FEEL GUILTY ABOUT METH I KNEW SHE'D GOTTEN THIS FROM DR. THE SECTION ON COMPULSIONS. CAME. SPOCK. I HAD SPENT MANY AN HOUR, CLOSEST TO BESCRIBING M7 SYMPTOMS. BROWSING IN THAT EDIFYING VOLUME, SO CLOSE, IN FACT, THAT I WONDER IF PERHAPS THAT'S WHERE I PICKED THEM UP, FROM SIX TO ELEVEN feeling that you ought to. It’s what a psychiatsist calls compulsion. Other examples are touching every third picket in a fence, making numbers come Out even in some way, Saying certain words before going througha door. Ifyou think you have made 4 mistake, you must go way back to where you were abSolutely Sure that you were right, and Start over again. tyone has hostile feelis S$ toward the who are close i i cience would 738THE EXPLANATION OF REPRESSED HOSTILITY MADE NO SENSE TO Me. T CONTINUED READING, SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING MORE CONCRETE. enor] DEES QY TiesRNeD aBouT Tics, FFA ¥ AND SOMETHING CALLED yi ST. VITUS! DANCE. ae WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? ne ATE TWO: BUT THESE NERVOUS HABITS AND STILL, I LIKED DR. SPOCK, READING HIM INVOLUNTARY TWITCHES WERE CHILD'S. WAS A CURIOUS EXPERIENCE IN WHICH I PLAY TO THE DARK FEAR OF ANNIHIL~ WAS BOTH SUBJECT AND OBJECT, OWN PARENT AND MY OWN CHILD. ECT, MY NT] ER ie Le rone| age ATION THAT MOTIVATED MY OWN RITUALS. ha dps ee ws ) Pate 4 ps Ee ee See | Cites FOR CRISSAKES! Ht F A AND INDEED, IF OUR FAMILY WAS A SORT OF ARTISTS’ COLONY, COULD IT NOT BE EVEN MORE ACCURATELY DESCRIBED AS A MILDLY AUTISTIC COLONY? Lo l py = ge | e———— OUR SELVES WERE ALL WE HAD. 9 er Se ee ae 139AND MY FATHER'S LIFE WAS A. SOLIPSISTIC CIRCLE OF SELF, FROM AUTODIDACT TO AUTOCRAT To AUTOCIDE. AND APPROPRIATELY ENOUGH, MY FIRST ENTRY WAS MADE ON THAT MOVABLE FEAST OF MORTALITY, ASH WEDNESDAY. AT. SOME POINT DURING MY OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE SPELL, I BEGAN A DIARY. ACTUALLY, THE FIRST THREE WORDS ARE IN MY FATHER’S HANDWRITING, AS IF HE WERE GIVING ME A JUMP START. JUST WRITE, . DOWN WHAT'S Le HAPPENING. a CALENDAR FROM ONE OF = As ore te, HIS VENPORS TO WRITE IN, oe" We é A CURIOUS MEMENTO MORI. a J yf, 440.THE ENTRIES PROCEED BLANDLY BUT IN APRUL, THE MINUTELY-LETTERED: ENOUGH. SOON I SWITCHED To A DaTe PHRASE T THINK BEGINS TO CROP UP BOOK FROM AN INSURANCE AGENCY, BETWEEN MY COMMENTS. WHICH AFFORDED MORE SPACE. Friday MARCH 26 ae ftwas pretty warm out ¥ got ovt AHardy Bo Book, Chvistianthre SaNhin Dohn; L finished "the @bin Ysland Myste ry." Lad ordered \O reams POPS TH Fran \ he wat ched € Brady Bunch. mad? POPCor hn cw« There z PO} lef IT WAS A SORT OF EPISTEMOLOGICAL MY SIMPLE, DECLARATIVE SENTENCES: CRISIS. HOW DID I KNOW THAT THE BEGAN TO STRIKE ME AS HUBRISTIC THINGS I WAS WRITING WERE AT BEST, UTTER LIES AT WORST. ABSOLUTELY, OBJECTIVELY TRUEP THE MOST STURDY NOUNS FADED TO FAINT APPROXIMATIONS UNDER MY PEN. MY OWN PERCEPTIONS, AND PERHAPS NOT EVEN THOSE. ALL COULD SPEAK FOR WAS 444MY Z THINKS WERE GOSSAMER SUTURES IN THAT GAPING RIFT BETWEEN SIGNIFIER AND SIGNIFIED. TO FORTIFY THEM, I PERSEVERATED UNTIL THEY WERE BLOTS. ; pW cke his arm Steve G cw his leg with a Machete tnife at cam tainted SE Mat hve} my Diary was RAPIELY BECOMING AS ONEROUS wer hair gone. Dd ASTHE REST OF MY LiFe. MY MOTHER APPARENTLY DECIDED THAT GIVING Me SOME ATTENTION MIGHT HELP, AND BEGAN READING TO ME WHILE I HAD MY BATH. BUT IT WAS TOO MUCH, TOO LATE. CrOR OF vier Use Qe ANYONE WAS A CRIPPLE- HANDED SILVERSMITH? MATTERS WORSENED IN MY DIARY. TO SAVE SOON I BEGAN DRAWING [T RIGHT OVER TIME L CREATED A SHORTHAND VERSION = NAMES AND PRONOUNS. IT BECAME A OF Z THINK, A CURVY CIRCUMFLEX. SORT OF AMULET, WARPING OFF EVIL FROM MY SUBJECTS. Sun. JUNE 13 a $A went casket With ar oldiito church: Maly, boxADad wanted e po ews me CO Sweep the A brought Me re Poti o.Ate said J 442.THEN I REALIZE LT COULD DRAW THE THINGS WERE GETTING FAIRLY ILLEGIBLE ENTIRE ENTRY. BY AUGUST, WHEN WE HAD OUR CAMPING Say TRIP/INIATION RITE AT THE BULLPEN. CONSIDERING THE PROFOUND PSYCHIC IMPACT OF THAT ADVENTURE, MY NOTES ON IT ARE SURPRISINGLY CURSORY. NO MENTION OF THE PIN-UP GIRL, THE STRIP MINE, OR BILL'S .22. JUST THE SNAKE--AND EVEN THAT WITH AN EXTREME ECONOMY OF STYLE. 443,SIMILAR KIND OF LANGUAGE FAILURE, IN THE LOCAL DIALECT THE BULLPEN WAS SAID TO BE SITUATED SIMPLY "QUT ON THE MOUNTAIN," THAT [S, ON THE PLATEAU. IN THE PRIMEVAL WILDERNESS BEYOND THE FRONT, SPECIFICITY IS ABANDONED. Hy : ~ coat Va tiey” aan VoL ti AND HURTLING TOWARD NEW YORK CITY ON ROUTE 80, SPEED AND PAVEMENT ERASED NOT JUST THE NAMES OF THINGS, BUT THE PARTICULAR, INTIMATE. CONTOURS OF THE LANDSCAPE ITSELF. LISTENING TO THE MUSEUM-TOUR TAPE, Z’M SURPRISED BY HIS THICK PENNSYLVANIA, ACCENT. DESPITE THE REFINED SUBJECT MATTER, HE SOUNDS BUMPKINISH. IN THE BACK DISPLAY ROOM IS 4 FINE, CHERRY HEPPLEWHITE CORNER CUPBOARD OF ABOUT 1790. THIS WAS DONATED BY THE KLECKNER FAMILY OF SUGAR VALLEY. ON THE WALL ARE KITCHEN TOOLS USED BY EARLY FARM FAMILIES IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. any Y Z 444LC HADN'T REMEMBERED THIS ABOUT HIM. MY DERACINATION WAS KINDLY ABETTED BY THE TIME HE DIED, I HAD NEARLY BY VARIOUS FRIENDS AT COLLEGE. SUCCEEDED IN SCRUBBING THOSE ELON- GATED VOWELS FROM MY OWN SPEECH. BUT MY FATHER WAS PLANTED DEEP. WHEN ry II DATING MY MOTHER, HE MADE PLANS: y FOR HER TO VISIT HIM AT HIS PARENT’ HOUSE ON AN UPCOMING LEAVE. IN AN EARLIER LETTER TO HER, HE DESCRIBES A WINTER SCENE. Yesterday we skated on Beech Creek for miles through the silvery grey woods. How can I explain the creek? there are holes and crusty Spots and solid mirrorlike passageways. It's dark bluish grecn under the iron bridge. Then on down between the istand and the lecks of the old canal the ice is like crystal and pale green weeds wave back and forth over blue rocks. 5IN OUR WIND [NT seed WILLOWS COLORING BOOK, MY FAVORITE PASE WAS THE MAP. I TOOK FOR GRANTED THE PARALLELS BETWEEN THIS LANOSCARS: AND MY OWN, OUR CREEK LOWED, IN, THE SAME DIRECTION AS RATTY'S RIVET Like Tab HALL DoEs IN RELATION TO THE RIVER. WE HAD A CANAL, AN ISLAND, A FORD. = es PLATE, LIKE THE WILD WOOD, LAY OFF TO THE WEST. AND WE SPOKE OF THE HILL PEOPLE WHO LIVED THERE MUCH = AS TOAD AND HIS FRIENDS SPOKE OF WEASELS AND STOATS. 4146BUT THE BEST THING ABOUT THE WIND IN THE WILLOWS MAP WAS ITS MYSTICAL BRIDGING OF THE SYMBOLIC AND THE REAL, OF THE LABEL AND THE THING ITSELF. IT WAS A CHART, BUT ALSO A VIVID, ALMOST ANIMATED PICTURE, LOOK CLOSELY. THREE PEOPLE WERE KILLED IN A CRASH ABOUT TWO MILES BEYOND THE SPOT WHERE DAD WOULD DIE NINE YEARS LATER. 447DAD EXPLAINED THAT HE HAD DIED FROM A BROKEN NECK. egy \] —- rnON MONDAY MY BELABORED HAND IS FOR THE NEXT TWO MONTHS SHE Tt TOOK DICTATION FROM ME, UNTIL MY "PENMANSHIP" IMPROVED. THERE WAS A FIRE J INTERRUPTED BY MY MOTHER'S TIDY ONE. Monday SEPTEMBER 20 5 Jawitn New Year » We got up late: A pT got a cold. te had art. We're doing repousse with copper, Mather brought my math book to school. Becky's snake get avi! We watched Javgl-Th. T AND SLOWLY, I DID IMPROVE. ON MY WALL CALENDAR, I SET MYSELF DEADLINES BY WHICH TO ABANDON SPECIFIC COMPULSIONS, ONE AT A TIME. 2 i 2 i : SX toes ish ‘ol dtin SB uiDad’ | event. |workkook | Towels | she of | VOUT? eter Avan dee sar. Safe - Re Nie 10 11 Wear | 12 “Scots” Z INTERSPERSED THESE WITH + = t MALL. ENCOURAGEMENTS. i Shir MY RECOVERY WAS HARDLY 4 JOYOUS EMBRACE OF LIFE'S ATTENDANT CHAOS--I WAS AS OBSESSIVE IN GIVING UP THE BEHAVIORS AS I HAD BEEN IN PURSUING THEM, MY LINGERING ANRIETY. 449COLLEGE, JOHN 1S STAYING AT KEN'S HOUSE. at SF a) eS Za ONCE NEARLY CAME TO BLOWS WITH A FEMALE DINNER GUEST ABOUT WHETHER A PARTICULAR PATCH OF EMBROIDERY WAS FUCHSIA OR MAGENTA. BUT THE INFINITE GRADATIONS OF COLOR IN A FINE SUNSET--FKOM SALMON TO CANARY TO MIDNIGHT BLUE--LEFT HIM WORDLESS.3 Nn —= = = a = -WtTHE SUMMER I WAS THIRTEEN, MY FATHER'S SECRET ALMOST SURFACED, Je a ph Sch (He, 54 5_ Tt) Becay, Aoes dunk AT BREAKFAST THAT MORNING HE'D BEEN THE IMPORT OF WHAT HE SAID WAS IN A JACKET AND TIE, NOT HIS USUAL REMARKABLE, BUT LESS SO THAN THE. VACATION DISHABILLE OF CUT-OFF JEANS. FACT THAT HE WAS SAYING IT TO ME. WHERE ARE. YOU GOINGP THE SUDDEN APPROXIMATION OF MY BUT MY FATHER'S ABJECT AND SHAMEFUL BULL, PROVINCIAL LIFE TO A NEW MIEN QUICKLY SOBERED ME UP. YORKER CARTOON WAS EXHILARATING. s3THERE WAS A. LOT GOING ON THAT SUMMER. NOTES. WHEN YOU DO BECOME ENGAGED, I, OR YOUR FATHER, SHOULD HIS. HEALTH PERMIT HIM, WILL INFORM YOU GF THE FACT.THIS JUXTAPOSITION OF THE LAST DAYS OF CHILPHOOD WITH THOSE OF NIXON AND THE END OF THAT LARGER, NATIONAL INNOCENCE MAY SEEM TRITE. BUT IT WAS ONLY ONE OF MANY HEAVY-HANDED PLOT DEVICES TO BEFALL MY FAMILY DURING THOSE STRANGE, HOT MONTHS. — SS | YOU LEFT OUT A PART. IT'S "AN ENGAGEMENT SHOULD COME ON 4 YOUNG GIRL AS A. st I'S SAID THAT HOMES WITH PUBESCENT CHILDREN IN THEM ARE MORE PRONE TO POLTERGEISTS—-SPIRITS WHO TAKE PLEASURE IN CREATING DISORDER. HOUSEHOLD THAT SST TN ’ SUMMER Lg PPS) = bf a anw: AS gd = a Ls cco Say 45SAPPARENTLY THE INSECTS SPENT THEIR: WHEN IT WAS TIME TO BREED, THEY YEARS UNDERGROUND IN A STATE OF CRAWLED EN MASSE TO THE SURFACE, PROTRACTED IMMATURITY. SHED THE SKINS OF THEIR NYMPH-HOOD, SSeTETIT a AND EMERGED AS WINGED ADULTS. donne dest ckeclion af cemetery BY THE END OF THE FIRST WEEK iN JUNE, THE YARP WAS LITTERED WITH THEIR, DISCARDED EXOSKELETONS. SE _¢ NEXT THE LOCUSTS SETTLED DOWN TO AN ORGY IN OUR TALL MAPLE TREES, CLOAKING US FROM DAWN TO DUSK IN THE AMBIENT NOISE OF THEIR CONJUGAL EXERTIONS. SI eae 156SHE WAS VERY BUSY, WITH HER MASTER'S: THESIS AS WELL AS: THE PLAY. ABOVE THE KITCHEN AS A STUDY. TELL HER. SHE'D GIVEN ME A BOX OF SANITARY NAPKINS THE YEAR BEFORE. cae I’M GOING TO CONCEIVABLY, I COULD PUT OFF THE t THAT BY IGNORING IT, IT WOULD GO RW SIUNTIE Eve Asis Te TORE STO AulAY. ALTHOUGH THIS STRATEGY WAS wi 458T WAS JUST A SLIGHT, BROWNISH SECRETION. IT CERTAINLY DIDN'T REQUIRE ONE OF MAMMOTH NAPKINS, ORT THE PORNOGRAPHIC BELT. A WAD OF TOILET PAPER SUFFICED. ~l NS IT WENT AWAY AFTER A FEW DAYS AND ABOUT THAT TIME, ON A WRENS DAY AES PASSED UNMENTIONED IN MY DIARY. NOON, MY BEST FRIEND BETH'S FATHER AND ae SHOWED UP. — ce ice ae Now GO eae ite ear HAVE. AGLASS OF AND GET TO WORK ON Wares. Py ae Ie S SS 159THE GRYGLEWICZES LIVED IN TOWN, ON THE IT WAS TO REMEMBER To ADDRESS EDGE GE CAMPUS WHERE BOTH PARENTS AS "DR. GRYGLEWICZ." BETH'S FATHER AND STEPMOTHER TAUGI SCOTT, GIMME "A CHILD'S GARDEN OF VERSES."IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME TO WONDER WHAT MY FATHER HAD BEEN UP DI OUR ABSENCE. BUT AS IT HAPPENED, HE'D BEEN ON A SPREE OF HIS oun. ert d SIP = ‘ON THURSDAY AT DUSK, HE'D DRIVEN OVER TO THE NEXT VALLEY. BECAUSE I LOOKED IT UP IN THE POLICE REPORT TWENTY-SEVEN Weare ane: Mark Deuglas Walsh, Booneville, Penna.. witness For the Commonwealth, testified under oath that on June 20, 1974, between the hours of 9PM and 10rMhe Saw Bruce Alien Bechdel, with whom he was acquainted. Mr. Bechdel asked him where his brother David was and that he got in the car with Mr. Bechdel and they went je ect ei ike aa to look For nis brether. During the course of the Cereite Cons evening, defendant purchased a six-pack of beer. WHTNESS Witness stated that Mr. Bechdel offered him & beer and he tock it and drank it. Mr. Bechdel asked him oes per day “ what he did and what his brother was doing at that time. He then let him off in the vicinity of his home. Witness testified that at the time of this incident he was seventeen years old and that he teld THEY NEVER DID FIND MARK'S OLDER HE'D BEEN AT Ree ae AT HOME ALL NIGHT, AND WHEN CALLED THE COPS. 4G1ZT DON'T KNOW WHEN THE SUMMONS ARRIVED. NO TROOPER CAME TO OUR DOOR, AND: THERE'S NO CLUE IN MY DIARY THAT ANYTHING WAS AMISS DURING THE FOLLOWING WEEK. Md Tl] Sy || ue ee h % 1 hursday TUNE2T 3 oH Gi Prep. [He ak Ch Si Rl Feta aso ee 2 police officer, and a Lens pager ond unt te their offic ah th C2Se5 for The Sof ve. —_ “Then we put on Clouin MAKe-IP and Jal_out-front. We wanted we Scave Cavs, oni. See THREE DOTS TO INDICATE NOT SO MUCH OMISSION AS HESITATION. PERHAPS THIS WAS A PRE- EMPTIVE STRATEGY RECOM- MENDED BY HIS LAWYER. 4o2.LATER THAT SAME DAY, MY MOTHER WENT WHEN SHE GOT HOME THAT AFTERNOON, TO SEE HER THESIS ADVISOR. SHE WAS UPSET. AFTER YOU DUST AND: VACUUM, 1U CAN Gi I CAN'T BELIEVE ee id HE WANTS MORE te REVISIONS! SWIMMING. IN EVEN THE MOST ROUTINE ACTIVITIES, MY MOTHER HELD TO EXACTING STANDARDS. WHEN AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND | r] THE TIME? REHEARSAL STARTS WEDNESDAY AND I DONT HAVE = BUT BEING IN A PLAY CONSUMED HER UTTERLY. TERRIFIED OF GOING BLANK ONSTAGE, SHE LEARNED EVERYONE ELSE'S LINES ALONG WITH HER OWN. 463.SHE EVEN WORKED ON HER OWN WE KNEW COSTUMES. BETTER THAN TO ASK WHEN OPENING NIGHT WAS. BUT WITH THIS. PLAY, MOM'S USUAL ANXIETY LEVEL HAD INCREASED BY AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE. | = I DON'T KNOW! I DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT [TT AND DON'T TELL ME WHEN YOU'RE COMING, JUST SIT IN THE BACK, THAT'S ALL I ASK. BUT IN HER PUBLICITY SHOT AS LADY BRACKNELL, SHE'S A VICTORIAN DOMINATRIX TO IZ 4@4T LOVED SEEING HER IN CHARACTER AS THAT AUGUST MATRON. IN A FITTING COINCI~ DENCE, LADY BRACKNELL'S FIRST NAME, AUGUSTA, WAS MY MOTHER'S MIDDLE NAME. I. AM REALLY ONLY EIGHTEEN, . BUT Z ALWAYS ADMIT TO TWENTY : TORRE Ge RIGHT: WHEN I. GO TO EVENING PARTIES. SLR TRRATION: INDEED, NO WOMAN. SHOULD EVER BE QUITE ACCURATE ABOUT HER AGE. TT LOOKS SO CALCULATING. THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME I'D BEEN OLD ENOUGH To HELP DAD!" NEVER TRAVEL WITHOUT MY DIARY. HER RUN LINES. ONE SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING SURPRISED THAT AN SENSATIONAL TO READ ON THE TRAIN." ADULT PLAY COULD I WAS QUITE RIGHT IN SAYING YOU WERE A BUNBURYIST. YOU ARE ONE OF THE MOST ADVANCED BUNBURYISTS 165THE COVERT REFERENCES TO HOMOSEXUALITY ELUDEP Me, YOU HAVE INVENTED A VERY USEFUL YOUNGER BROT IN Now < KNOW IT OFTEN AS YOU LIKE. I HAVE INVENTED... VALENTINE'S DAY, zi 1895, THAT wiLDe's SS BEGAN. aoe. sie =) 2 DELIVERED NOTE TO WILDE'S CLUB, ACCUSING HIM OF TOOK GIA TO COURT PORTIS S9 LOST OST. ene (CHARACTER'S UNCONTROLLABLE I WANT YOU DOWNSTAGE FOR THIS RK] GLUTTONY. LINE. WE NEED TO Move THe P2 i 74 7 PLEASE NUCH af CUCUMBER SANOWicHES. THEY < eo BG [\_ ARE ORDERED SPECIALLY FOR oy Vv HOVE | fas Yay THEN WILDE WAS TRIED FOR COMMITTING INDECENT ACTS AND SENT TO PRISON WHILE FANCE AND THE IDEAL IcoMOM HELPED THE PROP MISTRESS FIND A ON THE AFTERNOON BEFORE OPENING RECIPE FOR CUCUMBER SANDWICHES. WE NIGHT, THE DRS. GRYGLEWICZ, IN A ATE THEM ALL SUMMER. SECOND GRAND GESTURE, DELIVERED A ae BREATHTAKING BUNCH OF LILIES. y DAD! YOU'RE. WILDE WOULD BRING ARMLOADS OF EATING THEM FASTER THESE To THE ACTRESS LILLIE LANGTRY. " HOW ABOUT A GIN I UNDERSTANDI ONIC?P ALISON, MAKE SO! We DIVA MUST COM- CUCUMBER SANDWICHES. BUT I CAN'T TALK NOW. POSE HERSELF! I’M GOING UPSTAIRS. YEARS LATER T LEARNED THAT THE GRYGLEWICZES ONCE MADE A PROPOSITION, WHICH MY PARENTS DECLINED, THAT THE FOUR OF THEM ENGAGE IN GROUP SEX. 4167THAT'S NOT QUITE THE SAME. THING. IN FACT THE RARELY Go TOGETHER. THE PLAY RAN FOR A WEEK. ALL THE ACTORS EXCEPT MOM FLUFFED THEIR LINES AT LEAST ONCE. a is CATS CAG SS Reve Po EY a TAA THE DAY AFTER THE PLAY CLOSED, REAL = FACED NOW WITH INCONTROVERTIBLE. LIFE RESUMED WITH A VENGEANCE. MY alta = FELT LoeiGaTee TO ENTER INTO THE .WHEN I WAS TEN, TC WAS OBSESSED BUT AS I AGED, HARD FACTS GAVE WAY WITH MAKING SURE MY DIARY ENTRIES TO VAGARIES OF EMOTION AND OPINION. BORE NO FALSE WITNESS. tay APA il Chris wernt To Scott's after school ..« 3 Finished «= “Danny puna, ime TRavelev."We Played Which Witch. lost. se Mother and Je Up town.’ We watched The Brady Bunch.« FALSE HUMILITY, OVERWROUGHT PENMAN ...UNTIL, IN THIS MOMENTOUS ENTRY, THE SHIP, AND SELF-DISGUST BEGAN TO TRUTH IS BARELY PERCEPTIBLE BEHIND: CLOUD MY TESTIMONY. A HEDGE OF QUALIFIERS, ENCRYPTION, AND STRAY PUNCTUATION. i Fert Fotartal Ng or Serie Bing | TW How Her iDE— T ENCODED THE WORD MENSTRUATING ACCORDING TO THE PRACTICE I'D LEARNED IN ALGEBRA OF DENOTING COMPLEX OR UNKNOWN QUANTITIES WITH LETTERS. =~ yt USING "N" CREATED A PARTICIPLE SO NONPESCRIPT IT COULD MEAN PRACT = eas SS 4 "x" WOULD HAVE BEEN OBVIOUS. V7 469IN FACT, SO CERTAIN WAS I OF NING’S INDECIPHERABILITY THAT I USED IT THREE YEARS LATER TO CAMOUFLAGE AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT BIOLOGICAL EVENT. Sun. March 6 - FT gave up rung-fot fond and 0 giot hb it force Mies tf 2 four a net pls, callag Rhinecezos.' at the fi. “ Voss cist! if etd fe Naw Bis IF ONLY T HAD READ WILDE'S PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY, I May | 7 6] HAVE TAKEN SOME COMFORT IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAI ONLY WAY TO GET RID OF A TEMPTATION IS TO YIELD TO. ALTHOUGH I DID NOT ALLUDE TO MASTURBATION IN MY DIARY UNTIL I WAS SIXTEEN, L BEGAN THE ASSIDUOUS PRACTICE OF THAT ACTIVITY SOON AFTER I. GOT MY FIRST PERIOD. IZ I DIDN'T KNOW THEN THAT. THERE WAS A, WORD FOR THE ODDLY GRATIFYING MOTION OF ROCKING BACK ORTH IN MY CHAIR AS I DREW AT MY Desk. THE NEW REALIZATION THAT T COULD IN THE FLAT CHESTS AND SLIM HIPS OF MY ILLUSTRATE MY OWN FANTASIES FILLED = SURROGATES, IT FOUND RELEASE FROM ME WITH AN OMNIPOTENCE THAT WAS IN. MY OWN INCREASING BURDEN OF FLESH. ITSELF EROTIC. FO+ THE IMPLOSIVE SPASM SO STAGGER- NOR DIP T KNOW THAT THERE WAS A THAT FOR WORD FOR THE INEVITABLE RESULT OF INGLY COMPLETE AND PERFECT THIS SHIFTING ABOUT IN MY CHAIR... A FEW BRIEF MOMENTS I COULD NOT ‘QUESTION ITS INHERENT MORAL VALIDITY. A Pineeni I. DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW PHONETICS TO RECOGNIZE THE APPROXIMANT LIQUID OF THAT "OR," THE PLOSIVE "GA," THE FRICATIVE "'Z," OR THE LABIAL, NASAL, SIGH OF THE FINAL "UM." PERHAPS. BUT IF THE THING OMITTED: WERE ITSELF A, SIN, IT SEEMED TO Me (IN ANOTHER PRACTICAL USE OF ALGEBRA) THAT A CANCELING-OUT OCCURRED, AYR a Fa ast co ieture of a basketba/} ayer Tak watermelon for ~_breatf2 st. tre 8 WiOR PERHAPS MY REASONING WAS MORE INFLUENCED BY SOCIAL STUDIES THAN MATH. URES, AND OTHER LACUNAE HAD SATURATED THE NEWS FOR THE PAST YEAR. [GTRISZ TO QUASH THE SUBPOENA, BUT SIRICA DENIED THE MOTION AND ORDERED THE PRESIDENT TO TURN OVER THE UNEDITED TAPES. INTERESTINGLY, MY PERIOD ENTRY CONTIN THE ONLY OTHER REFERENCES IN My UES WITH A RARE MENTION OF THe POLi- DIARY To THE SCANDAL TICAL CRISIS, WHICH HAD JUST REACHED = COMMENT EARLIER That Yes Exe. A SIMILAR STAGE. OF UNDENIABILITY. sAND THE SANCTIMONIOUS SE eEAs cal TION THE PREVIOUS SUMMER THAT.. they re gonna vRke Wi. nd ee Ge ree a THE HEARINGS HAD BEEN MOSTLY 4 BUT NOW EVEN I BEGAN TO TAKE NOTICE NUISANCE TO ME. AS THE TRUTH WORMED ITS WAY, LIKE A LARVAL CICADA, TOWARD vy ALIGHT. Ne 472I DID! HE'S STILL NOT SATISFIED! I HAVE TO REWRITE TWO ENTIRE CHAPTERS! IT WAS ONE AFTERNOON AROUND THIS TIME THAT IL FOUND MYSELF ALONE IN MY AUNT'S POOL WITH MY MOTHER. THE IDEAL OPPORTUNITY TO DELIVER MY NEWS. ‘BUT AS [IT HAPPENED, MOM HAD SOME NEWS OF HER OWN. DAD HAS TO GO TO COURT IN A FEW DAYS, AND HE MIGHT LOSE HIS JOB. He BOUGHT A BEER FOR A BOY WHO WASN'T OLD ENOUGH. wl aNEW ENGLAND PROMISED AN ALLURING COHERENCE--LIKE LIFE ON TY, OR IN THE MIRROR--THAT MY CURRENT EXISTENCE WAS SADLY LACKING. MAYBE To NEW YORK, OR MASSACHUSETTS, WHERE WE VISITED Eo SSeS see ES IN MY DIARY THAT NIGHT, = REMGRRES HOW HORRID HAS A SLIGHTLY FACETIOUS, UPON THIS EXCHANGE WITH THE SAME TONE THAT STRIKES ME AS WILDEAN. PHRASE I HAD USED ABOUT MY PERIOD. IT APPEARS TO EMBRACE THE ACTUAL HORROR--PUBERTY, PUBLIC DIS- GRACE--THEN AT THE LAST SECOND NIMBLY SIDESTEPS [T, LAUGH 474THE REAL ACCUSATION DARED NOT SPEAK ITS NAME. THEN THAT “EURNISHING A, MALT BEVERAGE. TO A MINOR" WAS THE € Sao Se LARC oe I CAN ONLY SPECULATE ON THE EXACT BUT IN THE END HE WAS EXPOSED BY NATURE OF HIS RELATIONS WITH ONE OF THEM=-JUST LIKE OSCAR WILDE ‘D BY THE TESTIMO: BROTHERS IN THE NEXT VALLEY. WAS CONDEMNET NY OF HIS ROUGH TRADE. ON THE DAY BEFORE MY MOTHER'S THESIS WAS DUE, A SUDDEN STORM WHIPPED UP. THIS WAS NOT UNUSUAL ON A SUMMER AFTERNOON, AND We KNEW WHAT TO Do. ht 3 PD OS ae ‘LL Et SUE AS MH ye Sy RO a 75BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THE WAY THE STIFF BREEZE INVERTED THE LEAVES OF THE SILVER MAPLES OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM. fis \\I THEIR PALE UNDPERSIDES GLOWED IN THE ODD, GREEN LIGHT. Z SHUT THE WINDOW, THE THE WIND ROARED AND PELTED CHUNKS: LIKE A FIREHOSE. OF HAJL AGAINST THE HOUSE. I'D FORGOTTEN THE SEWING ROOM WINDOW. IT WASN'T USUALLY OPEN, BUT MOM HAD BEEN TYPING IN THERE EARLSws SE OUR TWO SILVER MAPLES: HAD BEEN SNAPPED IN HALF. TWO APPLE TREE! AND AN OAK WERE BLOWN TO BITS. MAPLES HAD SHELTERED THE WEST SIDE OF OUR Ea OVER A HUNDREP YEARS, AND LEFT, AS a “ALLEN TREES DO, 4 VOID SO ABSOLUTE YOU ' 2 4] COULDN'T POSSIBLY HAVE IMAGINED IT BEFOREHAND. SS a 178NONE OF THE NEIGHBORS HAP MUCH DAMAGE. IT WAS AS IF A TORNAPO HAD TOUCHED DOWN PRECISELY AT OUR ADDRESS. pga P= og “EA 2 YET THE HOUSE ITSELF HAD ESCAPED HARM, AS HAD THE GARAGE AND CARS. EVEN THE CAT SAUNTERED HOME NOT JUST UNSCATHED, BUT DRY. IN THIS LIGHT, THE RING OF DOWNED TREES CONVE?S A THEME LESS OF DESTRUCTION THAN OF NARROW ESCAPE. q79DAD'S HEARING WAS ON AUGUST 6TH. EACH OF THE BROTHERS TESTIFIED. THE MAGISTRATE STUCK STRICTLY TO THE LIQUOR CHARGE. h BUT A WHIFF CF THE SEXUAL AROMA OF THE TRUE OFFENSE COULD Be DETECTED IN THE SENTENCE. TLL DISMISS THE CHARGES IF YOU COM-— PLETE SIX MONTHS OF COUNSELING. MY FATHER DID NOT PROVOKE 4 BURST oF WITH AN IMPASSIONED PLEA FOR THE UNDER- STANDING OF "SUCH A 6 a be ytd xg on Tas record you Know? Farm invited us op for pizza For junc. 480TWO DAYS AFTER DAD'S COURT DATE, AS SUMMER DREW TO AN END, A. NIXON THREW IN THE TOWEL. DISPIRITED NOTE ENTERED MY DIARY. TO LEAVE OFFICE BEFORE MY TERM IS COMPLETED IS ABHORRENT TO VERY INSTINCT IN MY BODY. Fon curdam. But we quit, because | on curd, ees ae aot decided UH...L'M THINKING OF BEING A FASHION DESIGNER. 481SO DON'T WATCH GIRLS, IF YOU WERE PLANNING TO GET A RIDE. LE. THE GAME WITH RANDY, Leer anew eS, “3 2 wd Si pp ft” be ioc =a paTHAT NIGHT, ee THIS | LAST MELANCHOLY FORAY INTO PLAY-ACTH on men jared B : iu se Bobby Me Coal. fete ae We quik’ be het _te on, and we OF DISAPPOINT- MENT AT MISSING THE GAME AND:MY NARRATION HAD BY THIS POINT BECOME ALTOGETHER UNRELIABLE. SCPTEMBER 15 — We got the men: teh eS a Ee des oy forget jhat else he did SSA SS Ga Sy i i MY FATHER NEVER MENTIONED THE = PSYCHIATRIST TO ME AGAIN. Pant Ww YS. CO Sar TT BUT EVIDENTLY, HE CONTINUED TO GO. MY MOTHER SAYS HE BEGAN COMING vr HOME FROM THE SESSIONS IN A BRUCE ALLCN BECUDEL FAMILIARLY MANIC MOOD, ORDER, Uy i ie : i UI MN pe SS AND Now, this 2. doy of t, 1975, it appearing to the court (hat the defendant. Bruce Allen Bechdel, bas completed the terms of his Accelerated Rehabilitative Disposition Order, and ‘that the District Attorney has no objections, the Defendant's appiicatio for dismissal of pending charges is hereby approved and it is urdered that all criminal charges be dismissed. qB41S HOUSE OVER MY DEAD BODY. iI {1 ay aE ea a nu Tn4 —— i= TM ONLY ESTIMATING THAT THIS EPISODE TOOK PLACE IN DECEMBER. THERE'S NO MENTION iD IT cS ad DIARY. END OF NOVEMBER, Fl BY THE My EARNEST Date ENTRIES HAD GIVEN WAY TO ae fy IMPLICIT Lic OF THE BLANK PAGE, AND WEEKS AT A TIME ARE LEFT UNRECORDED. 186THE ANTIHERO’S JOURNEYWtIN 1976, DAP TOOK MY BROTHERS AND Me NEW YORK CITY FOR THE BICENTENNIAL, WE STAYED AT HER FRIEND ELLY’S BUT THIS TIME, AT AGE FIFTEEN, T SAW APARTMENT ON BLEECKER STREET, AS Wi THE NEIGHBORHOOD IN A NEW LIGHT. HAD ON NUMEROUS OTHER OCCASIONS.IT WAS LIKE THE MOMENT THE MANICURIST IN THE PALMOLIVE COMMERCIAL INFORMS HER CLIENT, "YOU'RE SOAKING IN IT." THE SUSPECT ELEMENT IS. BENEFICIAL, AND IN 190ELLY TOOK DAD AND ME TO SEE HER. RICHARD WAS ILLUSTRATING A CHILDREN'S, FRIENDS RICHARD AND TOM. ALTHOUGH FILMSTRIP ABOUT PINOCCHIO. NO ONE ACTUALLY SAID SO, I ASSUMED THAT THEY WERE A COUPLE. I WAS GETTING REALLY BORED, BUT 7 7 THEN I REALIZED T DIDN'T HAVE TO. DRAW THE PICTURES IN ORDER. — Sa ‘ONE DAY I LOOKED AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND SAID, "YOU'RE FOURTEEN YEARS OLD AND YOU'RE A FAGGOT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?" I DID NOT DRAW 4 CONSCIOUS PARALLEL BUT THE IMMERSION-~-LIKE GREEN TO MY OWN SEXUALITY, MUCH LESS TO DISHWASHING LIQUID BATHING A, MY FATHER’S. CUTICLE--LEFT ME SUPPLE AND OPEN TO POSSIBILITY. ...IT WAS PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME REALIZED I WAS HOMOSEXUAL AND I ‘SO DEPRESSED BECAUSE I THOUGHT X I'LL NEVER BEING GAY MEANT BEING A BUM ALL THE GET TO WEAR NICE CLOTHES! 4o1THE NEXT MORNING, JOHN WANDERED OFF. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE LEVEL OF MY FATHER'S ALARM UNTIL ELLY &XPLAINED. CHICKENHAWKS. GUYS WHO: PREY ON YOUNG BOYS. \ ¢ an OK FOR HE HAD WALKED DOWN CHRISTOPHER, HIS OWN. STREET TO LOOK FOR SHIPS AT THE SON. AN ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD, ABSURDLY BEATIFIC IN HIS SAILOR, SHIRT, WANDERING THE NOTORIQUS CRUISING GROUNDS,INSTINCTIVELY, JOHN HUMOREDP HIM UNTIL THEY NEARED THE APARTMENT. HIM AS FAST AS HE COULD Go. I DIPN'T KNOW ABOUT THE MAN UNTIL YEARS LATER. OR MAYBE I DIP KNOW AND BLOCKED IT OUT, OR SIMPLY FORGOT BECAUSE THERE WAS SO MUCH ELSE GOING ON. os I WANT EVERYONE READY TO: || ir Rlloe) BY po KO 3 raya : i AT ANY RATE, WHEN DAD GOT BackToTHE =A La aT APARTMENT, HE WAS UNCHARACTERISTICALLY |_| ee EAGER TO FORGIVE AND FORGET. rt Sa \ Z| iz SSS SST Fa 4193ELLY LEFT ON HER OWN VACATION ANP WE STAYED FOR A FEW MORE DAYS. ON THE FOURTH, WE WATCHED THE TALL SHIPS AS THEY SAJLED UP THE HUDSON. WE HAD A DISAPPOINTING VIEW OF i THE SPECTACLE, BUT AN EXCELLENT q ONE OF THE CROWD AT THE PIERS. 4 cS a AND IN SPITE OF THE CITY'S LITE! EXPLOSIVE ENERGY THAT NIGHT, RALLY ID. i F( OUT FOR A DRINK, DLL IN A LITTLE BIT. GO TO SLEEP.WHEN I TRY TO PROJECT WHAT PAD’S LIFE MIGHT HAVE BEEN LIKE IF HE HADN'T DIED IN 1980, I DON'T GET VERY FAR. IF HE'D LIVED LOST HIM ANY- WAY, AND IN A, MORE PAINFUL, PROTRACTED FASHION. INDEED, IN THAT SCENARIO, I MIGHT HAVE LOST MY MOTHER TOO. PERHAPS I'M BEING HISTRIONIC, TRYING TO DISPLACE MY ACTUAL GRIEF WITH THIS IMAGINARY TRAUMA, ALISON, YOU CAN TAKE OFF. WE'LL PUT ITTO BED TOMORROW. {-—~ ‘ BUT IS IT SO FAR-FETCHED? AND THE BAND PLAYED ON, THAT MINUTE CHRONICLE OF THE EARLY YEARS OF THE EPIDEMIC, OPENS ORGIASTICALLY AT THE BICENTENNIAL. July 4, 1976 New YORK HARBOR Tall sails scraped the deep purple night as rockers burst, flared, and Nourished red, white, and blue over the stoic Statue of Liberty. The whole world was watching, it seemed; the whole world was there. Ships From Ally. five nations had. poured sailors into Manhattan te join the throngs, counted in the millions, who watched the greatest pyrotechnic extravaganza ever mounted, all for America’s 200th birthday parly. Deep into the morning. bars all over the city were crammed with sailors. New York City had hosted the grestest party ever known, everybody agreed later. The guests had come fromall over the world. This was the part the epidemiologists would later note, when they stayed up late at night and the conversation drifted towand where ithad started and when. They would remember that glorious night in New York Harbor, all those Sailors, and recall; From all over the world they came te New York. 495,OR MAYBE. I'M TRYING TO RENDER MY SENSELESS PERSONAL LOSS MEANINGFUL BY LINKING IT, HOWEVER POSTHUMOUSLY, TO A MORE COHERENT NARRATIVE. k—| I's TEMPTING To SAY THAT, IN FACT, THIS IS MY FATHER'S STORY. THERE'S A CERTAIN EMOTIONAL EXPEDIENCE TO CLAIMING HIM AS A TRAGIC VICTIM OF HOMOPHOBIA. BUT THAT'S A PROBLEMATIC LINE OF THOUGHT. FOR ONE serene! iT Makes IT HARDER FOR ME TO BLAME HIM. eae ones eae es 41amAND FOR ANOTHER, IT LEADS TO A PECULIARLY LITERAL CUL DE SAC. IF MY FATHER HAD "COME OUT" IN HIS YOUTH, IF HE HAD NOT MET AND MARRIED MY MOTHER... ifa.ther \*ts'th r n EME fader, fr OF Seder, akin to OHG farer fauier, L peter, GK ppeieal 1a iama tie thas etten a eniie p cap 2 t person Tri Lookna: uP oe ARCHAIC PARTICIPLE: Doran nei MUCH MORE STN TATE ot 4. ten \~ ten) begot; ne Bet PCR 26 Ge ERS Le SEP fetal Le te Brotrecte as the sitter: SIRE 2; chuse — IN MY EARLIEST MEMORIES, DAD IS A HIS ARRIVAL HOME FROM WORK CAST A LOWERING, MALEVOLENT PRESENCE. COLD PALL ON THE PEACEABLE KINGDOM WHERE MOM, CHRISTIAN, AND I SPENT OUR DAYS. 197DAD DION'T HAVE MUCH USE FOR SMALL. YEARS OF NEGLECT HAD LEFT ME WARY. CHILDREN, BUT AS I GOT OLDER, HE BEGAN TO SENSE MY POTENTIAL AS: JAL COMPANION. AN =~ nk SE ») WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO READ CATCHER IN THE RYEP pate AFTER I PUT YOU IN THE NURSING HOME. HE'S HOLDEN'S OLD ENGLISH TEACHER. LY 198HE MAKES A PASS AT HOLDEN. DID ANY OF YOU TWITS READ THISP } = == ay MES IT WAS AS IF DAP AND I WERE THE ONLY ONES IN THE ROOM, THEY HAVE THIS NEAT RELATIONSHIP. THEY'RE, LIKE, FRIENDS. Pa Sy Lee) iE HSI SAGAA KEYSTONE CENTRA StHoot orsTacT rr YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN THAT CLASS WORTH 4199WE GREW EVEN CLOSER AFTER I WENT AWAY TO COLLEGE. BOOKS-—-THE ONES: ASSIGNED FOR MY ENGLISH CLASS--CONTINUED TO SERVE AS OUR CURRENCY. It's ironic that I am paying to send you Morth to study texts I'mteaching to high school twits. As I Lay Dying is ome of the century's greatest. Faulkner [3S Beech Creek. The Bundrens ARE Bechdels - 19th century perhaps but definitely kin. How about that dude's way with words. He knows how us country boys think and talk. If you ever ~gawdforbid— get homesick, read Darl's monologue. In # strange room you must empty yourself for sleep... How often have I iain beneath rain on a Strange roof... Darl had been to Paris you know - Wwr. AT FIRST I WAS GLAD FOR THE HELP. MY FRESHMAN ENGLISH CLASS, "MYTHOLOGY AND "AL EXPERIENCE," CONFOUNDED Me. Do YOU SEE HOW JAKE'S RENEWAL IN SPAIN EXACTLY FOLLOWS THE PROCESS OF REBIRTH THAT JUNG CALLS "NATURAL TRANSFORMATION"? I. DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE COULDN'T JUST READ THE BOOKS Beg] WITHOUT FORCING CONTORTED INTERPRETATIONS GN THEM, rN CS SS ez I WAS NOT ALONE IN FAILING TO GRASP OUR TEACHER FREQUENTLY GREW THE SYMBOLIC FUNCTION OF LITERATURE. €XASPERATED WITH THE WHOLE CLASS. GET ITP MARLOW'S: STEAMER? PENIS. THE CONGO? VAGINA. 200OUR PAPERS CAME BACK BLOODIED BUT LIKE A BATTERED BOXER, I KEPT WITH RED MARKS--MOST LAVISHLY THE = SWINGING, BUOYED UP BY MY FATHER'S WITHERING "WW" FOR "WRONG WORD." ENERGETIC COACHING FROM THE CORNER. "GID OKAY, LET'S TALK ABOUT THE SUN ALSO Ieee ow RISES. ITS A ROMAN A CLEF, RIGHT? CANIS" OF TAKE 1S HEMINGWAY, COHN WAS A GUY THEY SAY SHE STARTED THE NEW LOOK FOR WOMEN, WITH SHORT HAIR AND MEN'S CLOTHES. AND SHE REALLY DID HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH LOEB BEFORE MEETING UP WITH HIM AND HEMINGWAY IN, PAMPLONA, YOU KNOW, ANDY, THE BEST MAN AT OUR WEDDING, SAW HEMINGWAY IN PAMPLONA, THE YEAR BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED. oom a EVENTUALLY, HIS EXCITEMENT BEGAN TO AND BY THE END OF THE YEAR LT WAS LEAVE LITTLE ROOM FOR MY OWN. SUFFOCATING. He" JUST COME FROM PARIS WHERE HE WAS HANGING OUT WITH SYLVIA BEACH AND JAMES JOYCE. BEACH RAN ULYSSES. I MET HER ONCE IN PARIS. 201OH. I GOT MY CLASSES FOR NEXT SEMESTER. FIGURE DRAWING, PRINT— MAKING, RUSSIAN HISTORY, FRENCH, AND INTRO TO PHILOSOPHY. 7 I'M NEVER TAKING 4 ANOTHER ENGLISH CLASS. AS LONG AS I LIVE, mele 35 vh TFG Mi yee Cremer mime aaah COULD THIS HOBSON'S CHOICE HAVE LIKE THE GODDESS ATHENA'S visiT To BEEN A FORM OF DIVINE INTERVENTIONP 9 TELEMACHUS, WHEN SHE NUDGED HIM TO. GO FIND HIS LONG-LOST DAD, ODYSSEUS? raf] YOUR WINTER TERM CLASS? Li, (SS. eS 202FOR T WAS BEGGING ADMISSION TO NOT JUST ANY ENGLISH CLASS, BUT ONE DEVOTED To MY FATHER'S FAVORITE BOOK OF ALL TIME. SO YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN ANY LITERATURE COURSES SIN MAN YEAR? —| THAT'S FINE. JUST MAKE SURE To REVIEW H Pol Li area IRTRAIT AND DUBLINERS BEFORE CLASS STARTS. AND INDEED, T EMBARKED THAT DAY ON AN ODYSSEY WHICH, CONSISTING AS IT DID IN A GRADUAL, EPISODIC, AND INEVITABLE CONVERGENCE WITH MY ABSTRACTED FATHER, WAS VERY NEARLY AS EPIC AS THE ORIGINAL. Sor | : ——— Oe | re) cos ocrHOME FOR CHRISTMAS, I FOUND DADs: BUT IT WAS NICE TO HAVE HIS ATTENTION. DELIGHT Cae UETSSES A BIT GALLING. eae ey HAP MISSED IT, HOWEVER: IN Ne BURST GF TENDERNESS, I VICARIQUS IT MAY HAVE BEEN. ICOURAGED HIM FURTHER. ae BUT SHE ae HAVE RUN OFF ful WITH PARIS IF HE'D NEVER SHOWN UP. = Sa 1 204PARIS PLAYS A SIMILARLY INCITING ROLE IN MY ODYSSEY TOO, sz is I HADN'T MENTIONED MY BIG LESBIAN EPIPHANY YET. SO DAD'S CHOICE WAS. INTERESTING, TO SAY THE LEAST. A pe cted, Fer name Peaied j : mid ofa subdued and almost subterranean re cS Sane ws cially in the Friendly little dives, the ting, neighborhoog td SPE quented by groups of her women friends— basement ey sanged as restaurants, dim, and blue with tobacco smolc also cellar in Montmartre that welcomed the; = ! haunted by their own sol tude, who felt safe aioe inged room beneath the eye of a fy ap anne ieee a frank proprietress wh ; "while an unctuous and authen: to of an artics IF ONLY I'D HAD THE FORESIGHT TO ‘CALL THIS AN INDEP! READING. "CONTEMPORARY AND HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVES ON HOMO- Sex s WOULD HAVE HAD QUITE A LEGITIMATE RING. 205,AGES OF ULYSSES LAY BEFORE ME LIKE AN EXPANSE OF UNCHARTED MET IN PROFESSOR AVER?'S LIVING ROOM, so, JUST LIKE IN, THE ODYSSEY, THE FIRST THREE CHAPTERS FOCUS ON THE SON'S Re * MR. AVERY HAD HURT HIS BACK, AND RECLINED ON THE COUCH MUCH AS THE WISE WINDBAG, NESTOR, MIGHT HAVE RECLINED WHILE COUNSELING YOUNG TELEMACHUS, NOW IF ONE OF JOYCE'S THEMES IS. PATERNITY, THEN WHY IS THE STORY ABOUT STEPHEN AND BLOOM, WHO ARE VIRTUAL STRANGERS, AND NOT ABOUT STEPHEN'S ACTUAL, PHYSICAL FATHER? +.AND LIKE ULYSSES, BOTH STEPHEN AND BLOOM ARE EXILES. 206MAYBE SO. WITHOUT THE HOMERIC CLUES, UT THEN, I HAD LITTLE PATIENCE FOR TT WOULD CERTAINLY BE UNREADABLE. JOYCE'S PIVAGATIONS WHEN MY OWN ODYSSEY WAS CALLING SO SEDUCTIVELY. SY ( : jay iA ae fj P oh = COLETTE COULD WRITE BETTER THAN: IN THAT SPIRIT OF MARVELOUS MEGALO— ANYONE ABOUT PHYSICAL THINGS; THEY MANIA T CAME OUT OFFICIALLY JULY 1ST INCLUDE THE FEEL OF A PEACH IN ONE'S. (1970) IN THE VOICE IN A PIECE TITLED HAND. A MAN COULD ONLY WRITE IN THIS AMBIVALENTLY FROM A LINE BY COLETTE WAY ABOUT A WOMAN'S BREAST. “OF THIS PURE BUT IRREGULAR PASSION." I REFERRED BACK TO COLETTE HERSELF, BASKING IN HER SENSUALISM AS PER- HAPS THE SEA-RAVAGED ODYSSEUS HAD IN THE MINISTRATIONS OF NAUSICAA, AND LIKE NAUSICAA'S ULYSSEAN COUNTERPART, GERTY MACDOWELL, SHE WAS EVEN GOOD FOR A WANK. 207IN ONE BREATH SHE DESCRIBES A SEVENTEEN-YEAR-OLD BUTCHER BOY... decked out ina dress of black Chaniilly iace over pale blue silk, his face sulky beneath a wide lace hat, as uncouth as a country wench in need of a husband, his cheeks plump and fresh as nectarines AND IN THE NEXT, WITH THE SAME VOLUPTUOUS DETAIL, SHE REPORTS HIS SUICIDE. He shattered with a revolver bullet his pretty, pouting mouth. his low forehead beneath kinky hair, his anxious and timid Little bright blue eyes, NOW, I'M SURE THE CATHOLICS IN THE CLASS WILL RECOGNIZE THE NARRATIVE ITHACA CHAPTER. TECHNIQUE OF THE "He THOUGHT THAT He THOUGHT TO THEIR SIMPLEST THAT HE WAS A JEW WHEREAS HE: RECIPROCAL FORM, KNEW THAT HE KNEW THAT HE WERE BLOOM'S = THOUGHTS ABOUT BLOOM'S THOUGHTS. ABOUT STEPHEN?" 208COME ON. "WHO MaDe YOUP. EXACTLY. BUT EVEN WITH THE DETAILED SCIENTIFIC GOD MADE ME." RING A BELL? ANSWERS THAT THIS CATECHISM PROVIDES, DO WE LEARN ANYTHING CONCRETE ABOUT BLOOM AND ~| STEPHEN'S ENCOUNTER? DO THEY CONNECT? ‘What did each do at the door of egress? Blooms set the caridlastick on the floor. Stephan pu Gn his bead. tthe hat For what creature was the door gf T HAD NO IDEA, BY THE TIME THE JANUARY TERM ENDED, T STILL HAD TWO HUNDRED PAGES TO GO. AND LIKE ODYSSEUS'S MEN WHO HAD FALLEN IN WITH THE LOTUS-EATERS, I FELT NO URGENCY TO CONTINUE. oo Lie THE REGULAR SEMESTER BEGAN AND L STILL HADN'T MET WITH MR. AVERY FOR MY ORAL EXAM ON ULYSSES. I HAD A MORE DAUNTING TEST TO FACE FIRST: INTO THE UNDERWORLD. 2O9IT WAS A BENIGN AND WELL-LIT UNDERWORLD, ADMITTEDLY, BUT ODYSSEUS SAJLING TO HADES COULD NOT HAVE FELT MORE TREPIDATION THAN I DID ENTERING THAT ROOM. Ns LS eX SS i MY PARENTS RECEIVED THE LETTER ON DAD CALLED THAT EVENING. IF HE HAD THE SAME DAY THAT I BULLSHAT MY WAY MENTIONED HIS OWN HOMOSEXUALITY AT THROUGH THE ULYSSES EXAM. THIS JUNCTURE, IT MIGHT HAVE EXPLAINED ay HIS ODDLY PROCURESS-LIKE TONE. Wi! ks IS (1 ike His SPiRATUAL ¥ SS) gees] FATHER, YKNOW? 240LIKE STEPHEN AND BLOOM AT THE OT WASN'T UNTIL THREE WEEKS LATER NATIONAL LIBRARY, OUR PATHS CROSSED THAT MOM LET ME IN ON THE BIG SECRET. BUT We DID NOT MEET. BO YOU HAVE TO PUT A LABEL ON HOURDELET, FROM DAD THE NEXT DAY UNMOORED AS T STILL WAS BY MY OWN AND A EN MORE AWASH. GQUEERNESS, THIS BROADSIDE SWAMPED LEFT ME €' MALL. CRAFT. ay I WONDER IF GIRLS: CAN JOIN THE MERCHANT MARINE? =| INSTEAD OF AT LAST CONFIDING IN ME, HE TOOK THE NOVEL APPROACH OF ASSUMING THAT I ALREADY KNEW--ALTHOUGH AT THE TIME HE WROTE THE LETTER, I DID NOT. Helen just seems to be suggesting thet you keep your options open. I tend to go along with that but probably for different reasons. OF course, it Seems like a cop out. But then, whe are cop outs for? Taking sides is raXther Ineroic, and I am not a hero. What is really worth it? There’ ve been a few times I theught I might have preferred ko take a Stand. But I never really considered it when 1 was young. In fact. I don't blink [ ever considered it Lill 1 was over thirty. let's face it things do leok different then. At forty-three [ find it hard to see advantages even if I had done So when I was young. 244WHAT, REDUCED TO THEIR SIMPLEST RECIPROCAL FORM, DAD'S THOUGHTS ABOUT MY THOUGHTS ABOUT HIM, AND HIS THOUGHTS ABOUT MY THOUGHTS ABOUT HIS THOUGHTS ABOUT KNEW THAT HE KNEW THAT I WAS TOO. L'll admit that [ have been somewhat envious of the freedom (?) thet appears on campuses today. In the fifties it was not even censidered an option. it's hard to believe that just as it's hard to believe that [ saw Colored and Whites on drinking fountains in Florida in elementary school, Yes, my werld was quite Limited. You uknow I was never even in New York until 1 was about twenty: But even seeing it then was not quite a revelation. There was not much in the Village that I hadn't known in Beech Creem. In New York you could see and mention it but elsewhere it was not s@én or mentioned. It was rather simple. 242,SHE'S A pee eer eMnasr. ARE YOU GOING SINGER. ITLL. BE GI To THE CRIS. WILLIAMSON 1 YOU SHOULD COME! CONCERT TONIGHT? > S WELL, COME To THE TSB SIN SINGERS? SERS? nes PARTY ATER, ALTE EMNOTAHOMO AFTERALL A WOMEN'S COLLECTIVE. xr aMAS ADRIFT ON THE HIGH SEAS, BUT MY COURSE WAS BECOMING CLEAR. IT LAY BE- EN THE SCYLLA OF MY AND THE SWIRLING, SUCKING CHARYBDIS OF MY EAMILY,VEERING TOWARP SCYLLA SEEMED MUCH THE SAFER ROUTE. AND AFTER NAVIGATING THE PASSAGE, I SOON WASHED UP, A BIT STUNNED, ON A NEW SHORE. LIKE ODYSSEUS ON THE ISLAND OF THE CYCLOPS, I FOUND MYSELF FACING A "BEING OF IN TRUE HEROIC FASHION, I MOVED YET WHILE ODYSSEUS SCHEMED TOWARD THE THING I FEARED. DESPERATELY TO ESCAPE POLYPHEMUS'S 5 Ay ‘CAVE, I FOUND THAT I WAS QUITE CONTENT TO STAY HERE FOREVER. 244JOAN WAS NOT JUST A VISIONARY POET SHE'D LOST ONE EYE IN A CHILDHOOD AND ACTIVIST, BUT A BONA FIDE CYCLOPS. ACCIDENT VIVIDLY REMINISCENT OF THE AA TE eee WAY ODYSSEUS BLINDED POLYPHEMUS. A BOY SHOT ME WITH ONE OF THOSE TOY ARROWS AFTER THE SUCTION OFF. F WHATRE YOU | GOING HOME, I GUESS. | ff DOING FOR j ITLL BREAK? mass y ry (IT WAS NOT, AT ANY RATE, A. TRIUMPHAL RETURN. HOME, AS [p=] HAD KNOWN IT, WAS GONE. ff i Ena a5SOME CRUCIAL PART OF THE STRUCTURE SEEMED TO Bé MISSING, LIKE IN DREAMS I WOULD HAVE LATER WHERE TERMITES HAD EATEN THROUGH ALL THE FLOOR JOISTS. -AND WHEN WE'D GO TO NEW YORK, HE'D GO OUT ALONE AT NIGHT. ONCE HE GOT BODY Lice! BUT IT's NOT JUST THE...THE...AFFAIRS. IT'S THE SHOP= LIFTING, THE SPEEDING TICKETS, THE LYING, HIS RAGES. LIKE ODYSSEUS'S FAITHFUL PENELOPE, MY MOTHER HAD KEPT THE HOUSEHOLD GOING FOR TWENTY YEARS WITH A MORE OR LESS ABSENT HUSBAND. =I SICK OF COOKING FOR HIM, AND I'M SICK OF CLEANING THIS MUSEUM. 2416.THE LOCAL COLLEGE LIBRARY. i Dy Od (Sly rd tL Aes You've iz DONE ENOUGH. YOU — Pe eile SHOULD Go. EACH DAY OF MY VACATION, I FLED To. I HAD A PAPER To WRITE FOR MY a PHILOSOPHY OF ART CLASS, BUT AGAIN, THE SIRENS CALLED, CP wh UN Non “ti im aa A i l a | nos hi LP Cio Uke hi ii;— 7 KATE MILLETT APPEARED TO BE A LATTER- atl be] DAY COLETTE, WITH THE LIBERTINE ARIS~ Hi TOCRATS EXCHANGED FOR CONCEPTUAL Mi ARTISTS AND RADICAL FEMIN => sp SS

You might also like

• Comparative Historical Analysis Study Revs

  

  No ratings yet

  Comparative Historical Analysis Study Revs

  37 pages
• Primer For The Punctuation of Heart Disease

  

  No ratings yet

  Primer For The Punctuation of Heart Disease

  3 pages
• Fun Home PDF

  

  No ratings yet

  Fun Home PDF

  246 pages
• Fun Home PDF

  

  No ratings yet

  Fun Home PDF

  246 pages
• Fun Home (Alison Bechdel) (Z-Library) - Rotated

  

  No ratings yet

  Fun Home (Alison Bechdel) (Z-Library) - Rotated

  242 pages
• Fun Home - Bechdel

  

  97% (37)

  Fun Home - Bechdel

  248 pages
• (Alison Bechdel) Fun Home A Family Tragicomic

  

  No ratings yet

  (Alison Bechdel) Fun Home A Family Tragicomic

  242 pages
• The Sandman v07 - Brief Lives 2011 Digital TPB Windrider-Emp

  

  100% (2)

  The Sandman v07 - Brief Lives 2011 Digital TPB Windrider-Emp

  258 pages
• Watchmen 11 - Alan Moore

  

  No ratings yet

  Watchmen 11 - Alan Moore

  34 pages
• Happiness by Mary Lavin-1 PDF

  

  No ratings yet

  Happiness by Mary Lavin-1 PDF

  10 pages
• Olga Lehua - The Leap by Eldrich

  

  No ratings yet

  Olga Lehua - The Leap by Eldrich

  6 pages
• Werewolf by Night 001 1972

  

  No ratings yet

  Werewolf by Night 001 1972

  21 pages
• The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing, Traitor To The Nation, Volume One: The Pox Party - Chapter Sampler

  

  100% (2)

  The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing, Traitor To The Nation, Volume One: The Pox Party - Chapter Sampler

  32 pages
• Lorrie Moore Referential

  

  No ratings yet

  Lorrie Moore Referential

  6 pages
• Helen Naylor - in The Shadow of The Mountain

  

  No ratings yet

  Helen Naylor - in The Shadow of The Mountain

  49 pages
• Such, Such Were The Joys

  

  No ratings yet

  Such, Such Were The Joys

  24 pages
• A Wrinkle in Time (2007) (c2c)

  

  No ratings yet

  A Wrinkle in Time (2007) (c2c)

  200 pages
• The Bloody Chamber

  

  No ratings yet

  The Bloody Chamber

  24 pages
• Consolations of Illiteracy

  

  No ratings yet

  Consolations of Illiteracy

  3 pages
• Deadly Curious by Cindy Anstey (EXCERPT)

  

  No ratings yet

  Deadly Curious by Cindy Anstey (EXCERPT)

  14 pages
• Neil Gaiman - The Sandman #22 Season of Mists P1 - Vertigo (1991)

  

  No ratings yet

  Neil Gaiman - The Sandman #22 Season of Mists P1 - Vertigo (1991)

  25 pages
• 2011-09-19 Dear Life - Alice Munro

  

  100% (2)

  2011-09-19 Dear Life - Alice Munro

  9 pages
• Ah Woe Is Me PDF

  

  No ratings yet

  Ah Woe Is Me PDF

  13 pages
• The Pigman Full Book

  

  No ratings yet

  The Pigman Full Book

  84 pages
• Dave Hickey "Pontormo's Rainbow"

  

  No ratings yet

  Dave Hickey "Pontormo's Rainbow"

  5 pages
• The Charmer Full Text

  

  100% (1)

  The Charmer Full Text

  5 pages
• Spare by Prince Harry

  

  50% (2)

  Spare by Prince Harry

  11 pages
• Tsushima Yuko "The Silent Traders"

  

  No ratings yet

  Tsushima Yuko "The Silent Traders"

  8 pages
• Bradbury.i Sing The Body Electric

  

  No ratings yet

  Bradbury.i Sing The Body Electric

  16 pages
• Untitled

  

  No ratings yet

  Untitled

  6 pages
• 02 - Great Expectations

  

  100% (1)

  02 - Great Expectations

  50 pages
• Yogesh

  

  No ratings yet

  Yogesh

  250 pages
• AWomanatBay 10613199 PDF

  

  No ratings yet

  AWomanatBay 10613199 PDF

  414 pages
• Kafka Metamorphosis

  

  No ratings yet

  Kafka Metamorphosis

  27 pages
• The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

  

  No ratings yet

  The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

  138 pages
• Munro A. The Bear Came Over The Mountain PDF

  

  No ratings yet

  Munro A. The Bear Came Over The Mountain PDF

  25 pages
• In Youth Is Pleasure

  

  No ratings yet

  In Youth Is Pleasure

  22 pages
• Lyddie Book

  

  No ratings yet

  Lyddie Book

  92 pages
• Awake and Sing! - Clifford Odets

  

  67% (3)

  Awake and Sing! - Clifford Odets

  35 pages
• The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

  

  No ratings yet

  The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

  150 pages
• Helen On 86th Street Story

  

  No ratings yet

  Helen On 86th Street Story

  8 pages
• Monster #7

  

  No ratings yet

  Monster #7

  200 pages
• Aldous Huxley Time Must Have A Stop PDF

  

  No ratings yet

  Aldous Huxley Time Must Have A Stop PDF

  308 pages
• THE GREAT GATSBY - OXFORD STAGE 5 - Compressed

  

  No ratings yet

  THE GREAT GATSBY - OXFORD STAGE 5 - Compressed

  59 pages
• Dear Departed Q Ans

  

  No ratings yet

  Dear Departed Q Ans

  6 pages
• Eerie 013 (1968) - Compressed

  

  No ratings yet

  Eerie 013 (1968) - Compressed

  52 pages
• Document

  

  No ratings yet

  Document

  42 pages
• Chap. 7 - Fig. Lang. Paradox Overstatement Understatement Irony

  

  No ratings yet

  Chap. 7 - Fig. Lang. Paradox Overstatement Understatement Irony

  12 pages
• The Daydreamer

  

  67% (3)

  The Daydreamer

  72 pages
• The Short Stories of Saki Text 51 100

  

  No ratings yet

  The Short Stories of Saki Text 51 100

  50 pages
• Golden Pants Story

  

  50% (2)

  Golden Pants Story

  4 pages
• Level 3 - Frankenstein

  

  100% (1)

  Level 3 - Frankenstein

  15 pages
• The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

  

  No ratings yet

  The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

  285 pages