Jami's Diary

8th Grade Year

I wish I wish I could tell her how I feel. Today I saw the
most beautiful girl in the whole 8th grade class ,and the
world. Jenny was her name, when i asked she spoke like
an angel. I wish I could tell her how I feel...

12th Grade Year (Prom)

I wish I wish I could tell her how I feel. Me and Jenny

talked today. She really loves her boyfriend. They broke
up and I had to comfort her after prom. She told me i
was the best friend on the planet. I wish I could tell her
how I feel...

College Sophomore Year

I wish I wish I could tell her how I feel. Jenny has grown
even more beautiful if that's even possible. I saw her at
a party with Derek. My heart sank, she was happy as
ever. We talked about him, she says he's different. I
wish I could tell her how I feel...

College Graduation
I wish I wish I could tell her how I feel. We were all the
happiest we've ever been. Jenny ran up to me after
accepting degrees and kissed me on the check and
yelled "WE MADE IT!". Jenny then ran to Derek and
kissed him deeply. I wish I could tell her how I feel...

Jenny's Marriage

I wish I wish I could've told her how I feel. Everyone was

happy...except me. Jenny had the biggest grin on her
face ever. I smiled back to make her happy. During their
kiss I had to look away, and blink the tears out of my
eyes. I wish I could've told her how I feel... ..

Jenny's Funeral

I wish I wish I could've told her how I feel. Today was

Jenny's memorial. I don't want to live anymore. After
the service her mother brought me a box from Jenny's
house. The will said i was to receive all it's contents. In it
was a book I gave her in 8th grade, the prom corsette I
gave her in 12th grade, the notebook I gave her
sophomore year in college, the button I gave her for her
college graduation robe, an earring i gave to her on her
wedding, and a diary.It read...

Jenny's Diary
8th Grade Year

I wish I wish I could tell him how I feel... .. .. .. ..

She met him when they were 8 years old. they soon
became best friends. they talked nearly everyday.

when they were 9 years old they started school

together. everyone in the school knew they were
friends.

when they were 10 years old people started to tease

and called them love birds. they didn't like it.

when they were 11 years old the girl started to get

feelings for him, but she ignored them and thought it
was silly.

when they were 12 years old the girl told the boy she
liked him, but before he could respond she said it was a
stupid prank.

when they were 13 years old the boy started to get

feelings for another girl in his grade, and she had
feelings for him too. she was his first girlfriend, but the
boy broke up with her shortly after.
when they were 14 years old the girl got her first
boyfriend, with a different boy from her grade, but it
dint't feel right, so it didn't last long either.

when they were 15 years old the girl heard about the
prom next year, and decided she was going to ask the
boy to dance with her.

when they were 16 years old the girl lost courage to ask
the boy to the prom. at the night of the dance she went
to ask him but decided not to because she saw him
dancing with another girl. later that night he saw them
kiss in the back by the bleachers. she ran home and
cried. the next day the boy asked what was wrong and
she ignored him. he walked away feeling rejected by his
best friend. they didn't talk for a while after that.

when they were 17 years old the girl apologized for

ignoring him. she said she wanted to still be friends, and
the boy agreed and they again became friends. the
same year the boy was diagnosed with severe
depression. the girl tried to cheer him up everyday and
everyday she failed.

when they were 18 years old on the boys birthday the

girl and the boy had a moment and she leaned in to kiss
him, but instead the boy gave her a hug. she told him
she was moving away next month, he said hes wanted
to move with her because he couldn't imagine being
without her. after all, she was his best friend. the girl
agreed and within a month they moved into a small
apartment far away and started college together.

when they were 19 the boy again got another girlfriend,

and she stayed the night at their apartment, and his
girlfriend slept in his room with him. the girl stayed up
all night crying and didn't sleep. only a few weeks later
the boy broke up with her.

when they were 20 years old they went to a party

together. they illegally drank that night and they both
got drunk. very drunk. the girl told the boy everything
and how she loved him so much, and the boy told her
the same. they kissed for a long time. they were both so
desperate for each other. when they got back to the
apartment they slept together in the same room. when
they woke up neither of them remembered anything
and agreed that it was stupid to drink and to forget that
they slept in the same bed.

when they were 21 years old the girl was diagnosed

with cancer. her death date was in 6th months. she
dropped out of school and the guy and the girl moved
back to their home town to be with their family.
everyone was crying. one month before the girls death
date she told the boy she loved him. although the boy
had feelings for her as well, he was afraid to fall in love
because he knew it was already going to hurt so bad
when she passed and he didn't want to make it worse.
two weeks before she was supposed to die the boy told
her he loved her too and was sorry he didn't say it
earlier, and he just didn't want to lose her. she told him
she understood. they kissed and hugged and fell deeper
in love. the next day the boy went to visit her in the
hospital, but he couldn't find her. he asked the doctor
and she told him that she had died last night. without a
word he ran away in tears and hung himself from a
bridge wishing he would have been their for her. he
wanted to die so he could see her in the after life, but
his afterlife never came. the boy and the girl never saw
each other again.

I was in 8th grade, you were in 9th. I fell in love with

you right away in gym class. I started to talk to you and I
really enjoyed your company.

One weekend when I was with my dad, I found your

instagram, and started to text you. We talked and
talked, then I had to confess my love. I couldn't keep it
from you any longer. So I told you, and you said that
you liked me back. We started dating and I couldn't get
you off my mind. Your love was a drug.
Then we got to the 2nd week of our relationship we
sent some stuff that we probably should've at 13 and 14
but to you, it felt right and I wanted to keep you happy
with me. The next week in school we started to make
out before 1st period when we both had Spanish.

Then around Christmas time you told me that you

cheated on me. And that you felt really bad and you
didn't know what you were doing/thinking, that you
cried yourself to sleep because you felt like shit for
doing it. You told me that the girl (who was also in my
gym class, so she knew we were dating) did it as a joke,
lied to you saying that her dog died recently, and her
dad had cancer. I was sad that you did that. Then you
told me that you thought of killing yourself. I couldn't
leave you. I felt terrible for even thinking about it. Then
I said it was ok and that was that.

About 5 weeks later, things began to go downhill.

We skipped gym on Wednesday and we did some stuff.

The next day I loved you even more although I thought
we were going to get in serious trouble. Then you
comforted me by saying that we won't get in trouble
and if we do that you would take the blame for it and
say you forced me to.

We didn't get caught.????

Then about 2 weeks later we made out again, we were
late to 1st period. But that's ok. I said I couldn't get my
locker open. But you asked me to do something I never
would've done. I'm not going to say it though because
that's not appropriate. But I said no and then you gave
me that sad face whenever I say no. So I did it and
regretted it.

2nd period came by and I was talking to my best friend

about what happened and she made me think that you
were cheating on me with the other girl again for the
2nd time. She also told me that I shouldn't be with you
if your just going to control me. So I asked her to break
up with you for me because I would probably be a pussy
about it and start to cry. So I went to her lunch and she
did it on instagram.

We had gym and you wouldn't go in. Maybe it was

because of me? I don't know. And don't think I didn't
notice because I did. ???? you were told to go in and
eventually you did. I felt really bad and regretted it.

For tue rest of the week I tried to talk to you and tell
you why I did it. But you only ignored me. So I texted
you like 10 times but you didn't respond. And now I'm
depressed. No joke. I just want to be with you again

You made me so happy and now I can barely even force

a smile. It's still the same year and were still in gym
together. So I hope we can still get back together and
maybe make it work this time. I still love you and always
will.

If your reading this, I hope we can restart.????????

“The Sailboat”

There was a little boy, about ten years old, who had a
friend. His friend, a girl his age, had recently moved into
his neighborhood. They began spending time together
after school. They would walk and talk as he carried her
schoolbooks. Sometimes they would go exploring at the
local lake for hours until it was time for them to go
home.

One day while exploring the lake they came upon on old
boat dock hidden in the grasses. Tied to the dock was a
weather beaten, barely seaworthy red sailboat built for
two. The boy and girl knew nothing about sailing and
knew they could get into a lot of trouble but they
climbed into the boat anyway.

Day after day they would go to the boat, still tied to the
dock, and make believe they were explorers sailing off
to discover new lands. One day, they decided it couldn’t
hurt if they actually untied the boat and drifted out into
the lake. It was a little scary at first but the little boat
was strong in spite of their clumsy attempts at
seafaring.
Before long the boy and girl became good at the art of
sailing. They would ride the winds briskly back and forth
across the lake. On calm days they would drift, silently,
aimlessly on the glassy water. On stormy days they
would stay tied to the dock sitting inside the boat as the
rain drummed on the canvas.

A day came when the girl didn’t meet the boy after
school. Puzzled, he decided to go to the sailboat to see
if she was waiting for him there. As he approach the
dock he could see that the little red sailboat was slowly
moving away from the dock. He ran to it. As he neared
the water he could see the little girl on their boat. She
was waving silently, unsmiling, just looking at the boy as
she drifted away. Standing next to her in the boat was
another boy.

The little boy noticed that the sailboat’s rope was untied
and there was still some of it on the dock. He grabbed
the rope and pulled as he yelled for the girl to come
back. However, the harder he pulled and the louder he
yelled the further away from him the boat drifted. He
was not strong enough to pull the boat back and as the
rope pulled through his hands it left searing burns on his
tender palms and fingers. The girl just stood and waved.
Silent and unsmiling.

Finally, the rope ran out and the boat disappeared

beyond the horizon.
Confused, angry, and sobbing the boy turned around
and slowly walked home.

Alone in the Darkness

I had a childhood friend. His name was 'Ben. Pittwater'.

He was my friend, my neighbour, my child hood friend,
my lover and soul mate. And I like to think that Ben
loved me as much as I loved him. Thinking back, the first
time I saw Ben was when I was 9 years old. Even though
he had a luxurious living style, he was the only child and
his parents were usually at work and returned at
around 1PM. I sometimes saw him and after that, I let
out the courage to say “Hi” to the member of the
famous, rich Pittwater family. I still remember the
moment he looked up after scratching the dirt then
smiling at me with a toothless smile. From then, we
instantly became best friends.

Ben had a normal, to be exact, a rich life. He lived in an

enormous three storey house uptown, received high
education but most importantly, he had a loving family.
His family, the Pittwaters were known for going out
every Saturday to go to the beach. He had a good life
until his parents were faced with bankruptcy. His
father’s business’s profit plunged down because a new
company was introduced and instantly grabbed the
attention of the public. So they had to move downtown
were the ‘normal’ families lived in.
I was delighted. Our backyard was connected because
there was no fence in between so we could see each
other whenever we wanted to. However, happy times
didn’t last very long. Ben’s mother ran away because of
the ‘low’ living conditions and Ben’s father stopped
working and started drinking alcohol.

One day, around November, I heard the front door of

Ben’s house opening and closing. I knew that it was
Ben’s father so I continued with what I was doing until I
froze at the sound of glass shattering from Ben’s
kitchen. There were more noises. There were a few
bumps and whimpers and I was scared because I was 9
years old back then. My parents were away at work and
I continued to listen while frozen.

Then, I heard the door of Ben’s back yard opening so I

ran to the back yard knowing that it would be Ben. I
found Ben crying behind the bushes while he was
covered in cuts and bruises. I didn’t know what it was
back then but now, I know that it was child abuse. Ben
cried and cried for a long time and I tried to comfort
him.

After that incident, Ben and I became closer and a few

days later, Ben told me his father begged him to forgive
him and that he over drank. However, I could tell that
he was getting a beating every single day because the
number of bruises and cuts he had kept on increasing. It
kept on continuing until I was 11 years old and that was
when it happened.
Ben’s father pushed him down the stairs and he fell
down the stairs leaving a fractured skull and a nearly
broken leg. That was when my parents called the police
again (My parents contacted the police a few times
before). The police came and arrested Ben’s father.
That was the last time I saw Ben’s father.

Ben was the only child in his family and his mother
refused to take responsibility for her own child so Ben
was left as an orphan. A rich, generous family, the
Courtlingtons, hearing this story adopted Ben and they
kindly moved nearby to my house where we could see
each other every day. We grew up together until high
school and we were always together until the point
everyone would always say ‘Ben and Jessica’.

Being in a co-ed high school, I naturally developed a

crush for a boy in my class. He was tall, popular and
handsome and before I realised I was in love with that
boy. Whenever the boy smiled or said hi to me, my
heart would flutter and I would stutter while blushing.
Ben would nearly always come over and take me away
while laughing trying to break the tension. My friends
often asked me how I could like him when I had the
handsome, tall Ben always with me but I always saw
him as a friend and I always answered that we were just
friends while smiling.

Then one day, a miracle happened. I confessed to the

boy I liked and he said yes. I was so happy and I would
run to school so that I can see my boyfriend. My
boyfriend would hug me, pat me on the head and treat
me like as if I was the rarest diamond in the whole
entire universe. Ben disapproved with me dating with
him and it got into such a bad fight, we decided to
ignore each other.

After many days passed, my relationship with my

boyfriend continued and same went as my cold
relationship with Ben. That was when it happened. My
of my best friends showed me a picture of my boyfriend
kissing another girl. I wanted to check if it was true so I
asked him who the girl in the picture was. My boyfriend
suddenly got quiet and said “I’m sorry… Can we break
up? I mean like we can still be…” I didn’t listen to the
rest. It felt like a wave of emotion just slapped me on
my face. Stunned, I slowly walked out of the cafeteria as
the crowd in the cafeteria stared at me.

I cried and cried. I didn’t get out of my room and kept

on crying without eating, drinking and going to school. I
felt like my heart was being broken to pieces but all I
could think of was when Ben was always with me. I
missed Ben but I knew that he wouldn’t come back
because of the many hurtful words I have thrown at
him. I didn’t know why I was thinking about Ben when I
should be crying over my ex, but I kept on crying silently
in darkness.
There was a timid knock on the door. I didn’t respond. It
was probably my parents worrying about how I wasn’t
eating or going to school. Then the door opened. It was
Ben. Ben’s face expression was a mixed emotion of
shock and surprise. I don’t know why but as soon as I
saw Ben, I started crying all over again and Ben rushed
over hugging me and comforting me.

After a few minutes, I stopped crying and started to feel

a bit awkward about the point that Ben hugged me and
was still hugging me now.

“Why did you come?” I asked.

“Because I was worried about you, you dumbass.” Ben’s

answer was short but it made me smile for the first time
in days and it must be my imagination but I saw Ben
blushing.

I returned to school a few days afterwards and

confronted my ex-boyfriend who had cheated on me. I
slapped him across the cheek and swore for a few
minutes loudly about how he was a fuck boy in the
middle of the cafeteria where he broke up with me. The
whole school was there to watch the show and I felt
lighter, happier and proud, and most of all, I was happy
because I knew that Ben would always be there for me.
Would you find it weird if I said I forgot about my ex in
around two months and started liking another boy?
Well… I think I started liking another boy called Ben.

Ben was always nice to me. He was nice to everyone.

Thinking about it now, I never asked him who he liked.
And when I did, all I got was a blush and no name. I
teased him about his crush but I felt jealous for the girl
he liked. After all, Ben would never view me as a girl
because to him, we were practically siblings. I found it
really sad about my unrequited love and I often cried at
night in bed when Ben sometimes commented about
how cute his secret crush was. I tried to get the name of
his crush but he told me I’ll figure it out sooner or later.

Then, we received the news that Ben’s real father was

released from prison and that he moved to a place close
to our houses. To be truthful, Ben and I were scared
because of the past experiences with Ben’s father but
Ben pretended to be brave and said that he will protect
me which I found really cute.

Our high school’s prom was coming up. Some boys

asked me out but there was only one boy I wanted to
be asked out by, which was Ben. Being popular with
girls, I felt scared that he might say ‘Yes’ to a girl but he
rejected all the girls who asked him out.

“You should ask out your crush.” I said.

“I want to but she’s really popular with boys and I’m not
good enough for her…” He replied.

I answered back saying that he was kind, tall,

handsome, smart, rich and had all the characteristics
that girls would ever want. However, Ben said that he
will ask her out later.

It was the day before prom. I asked Ben if he asked out

his crush while trying to cover up my feelings and Ben
replied that he didn’t ask her out and that he was going
to ask her today. It was a Friday after school and Ben
and I spent time until late night buying things for the
prom.

We didn’t notice that time was flying and when we

realised that we missed the last train and buses, we
realised that we had to walk nearby Ben’s father’s
house. We walked together arms linked. Our parents
were still working and being 18 years old, we thought
we were too old to be picked up and kept on walking
until we saw a shadow following us. At first, I thought it
was a stranger who was drunk but when the stranger
paced up, we saw that it was Ben’s real father. His face
was so different from before. His clear white skin has
gone wrinkly and dark because of drugs, his hair was
almost all gone, and his teeth and gums were black.

However, the scariest thing about his appearance was

those crazed eyes of his. He was swaying from side to
side and he was muttering something like “must kill…”
while holding something shiny in this hands. When he
got close enough we started running when we realised
he was holding a knife. Everything seemed like it was
going slow motion as I tripped while running in high
heels and as Ben’s father jumped on me trying to hold
me down. I screamed. Our town’s houses are very far
apart from each other so it would take a few minutes to
go to your neighbour’s house meaning that there was
no one to help us around.

Ben ran back towards me and landed a punch on his

father. Ben’s father stumbled and fell backwards and
Ben ran to check up on me. He hugged me and he
gasped.

There was a knife through his chest slowing reddening

the new white shirt I bought him. I cried out and tried to
punch Ben’s father but he was too strong. He pushed
me out of the way in a single try and I stumbled to the
ground helpless. Ben’s father stabbed Ben once, twice
and continuously. Ben trembled and stopped moving. I
couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t move. Then as soon as
Ben’s father walked a distance away, I rushed to Ben’s
side.

He wasn’t breathing. I searched in his bag looking for his

phone and called the ambulance while crying. Then
something inside me snapped.
According to my mother, I was in a half crazed state
when the ambulance found me. I didn’t let go of Ben’s
body and was continuously repeating Ben’s father’s
name and the staff had to force me to let go of his body.

I missed out on the prom but it didn’t matter. Ben was

gone. Forever. Ben’s adopted parents knocked on my
door and handed me a letter and said it belonged to
me. As I opened the letter, I cried and cried over the
first paragraph of the letter.

Jessica, I’ve always loved you since the first moment I

saw you. You were my meaning of life and I know that it
was love at first sight when I saw you… I’ve been
waiting to say this for a long time… Will you go to the
prom with me as my girlfriend?

Then, there was a golden ring attached at the bottom of

the letter. I put on the ring and cried over, over and
over again in darkness. In darkness. Alone. With no Ben.
With emptiness.

November 21st. I'll always remember him.

To people who has read my real story all the way

through, please stop child abuse when you see it
happening. It can end like this.
The story starts back in 2015 when I was going to
highschool. There I wasn't the most popular kid or
anything like that, but I did started to get more
confidence when I started to train in a gym. And so it
begins... During school day I saw the most beautiful girl
and experienced the love on first site. She also noticed
me. We started to chat for 2 weeks and we clicked and I
thought to my self I am the luckiest guy ever. But then
she told me, she only finded me sexually interested and
that she noticed I had grown fellings for her, which she
disliked, so she ended it over the phone. Months had
passed before she contacted me again saying that her
aunt forced her to end the relationship, because she
was in trouble with the police. I belived her and gave
her a second chance. 3 days passes by and again she
started to ignore me and ends it again, because foolish
of me I started to express my love toward her, again.
Later I found out she had another guy. I was very sad, so
I decided to isolate myself again (I was depressed in
middleschool) and to focus my energy on gymnastics
(still rings). The motivation I drew from was from
missing her for thinking I sabotaged the chance to be
with her. I started to live in anger.

1 year passes by, I had trained so hard that I recevied

multible injuries to my arms beacuse I had tranined
recklessly. Then suddenly she calls me and wants to
make things right. I gave her 3rd chance, because I was
still madly in love with her. This time around she gave
me a chance and we spended time together. I never felt
happier in my entire life, even my depression was
cured. She made me whole... But that only lasted for 1
month. Then she told me that she couldn't love me back
for reasons still unknown to me to this day. She even
didn't want to explain what the problem was. Then I
snapped, mentally...

My heartbrokenness lasted for many months and I

woudn't subside. I tried everything, I trained again but it
wasn't enough; I drank alcohol, nothing; I tried dating,
still didn't help. I felt in such deep depression, that my
suicide instincs activated. Death would be answer to my
pain...

I woudn't write this article if it wasn't for 6x times Mr.

Olympia Dorian Yates. From watching him and his
passion toward bodybuilding and the mindset of a
serious warrior appealed to me. So I decided to
dedicate my life to bodybuilding. I made every
necesarry sacrafice in order to become the best at this
sport. I cut off all of my relationships with my friends
and family; I slept, ate and trained to such an extend,
that surely, no definitely nobody could outwork me...
And it really wasn't possible, because there was not a
single thing more that could be done to this goal. But I
have paid a great price for this. My source of willpower
and dedication derived from rage and even worse,
suicidal thoughts. Every single day of the year I wished
to just... die, either from hardcore training or the diet or
other factors included in this sport. It was matter of
death or glory. During this time, I didn't think about her,
not even once But still, the maddnes from my past was
still inside of me present. I harnest this power for
obssesion to do one thing right in my miserable life. My
body was the result of my inner haterad toward life
itself.

I was getting ready for a bodybuilding show and I

noticed I started to miss her again. This bothered me
during my cutting diet, because it distracted me from
the daily routine. About 6 weeks before the show I was
told that I was unable to compete because of lack of my
insufficient funds (all already went to this sport) so I was
unable to apply to the show and so all the spots were
reserved by the others. I cried... I have lost everything
again and more...

My perception of reality has broken down. I am beyond

depression and suicidal thoughts. I am now emotionaly
dead, all means nothing now. I am a victim of my past.
Till this day I am trying to transend my past and become
the person I was many years ago. But I cannot move on
until I forgive myself and bury past memories, especially
of her... Which still to this day bring smile on me.
I'm in love... With 3 guys...I know it's that bad.

I fell in love with one 2 years ago his name is Isaiah, I

love him because he listens, his voice is so soothing and
peaceful, his touch is warm and i could message him at
any time and he would always be there, but i realized
he wasn't really listening and he was only there when i
needed him because he got something in return. He
loves me for my body i love him for who i thought he
was. We never dated yet he always told me i was his.
He's a close friend now. We hardly talk sometimes
though.

I fell in love with one about a year ago his name was
Justice. He treated me right, he listened, we would
sneak out at 3 in the morning to go to the park, he knew
how much i loved to act like a little kid. Swinging was
my favorite thing to do at the park it made me feel like i
was flying. We dated for 1 year and 4 months. But then
he stared to change, we started to argue, he started
cheating, i felt trapped. i couldn't go to friends’ houses
could go to the lake to hang out with them. He started
to leave bruises and i broke i left him i couldn't take it.
He's the guy i go to for help, but still loves me dearly.
Even though he treated me wrong.

I fell for a friend, his name was Zack. It happened so

unexpectedly, i never thought i would fall for him but i
did. He wanted to take it slow due to the fact he was
just like me tired of getting left in the dirt or being
trapped. We have only been talking for two weeks now
but, I'm already getting mixed emotions he never comes
to see me hardly messages but when he does it is the
only time I’m happy. I'm very understanding and have a
lot of trust in him. He's always busy, and and isn't the
messaging type. We aren't dating and i don't know if we
will i hope we do i really do. But I will be okay if we
don't.

I'm just a simple girl not knowing what to do with love

anymore and I am far too broken to care. I wrote this
because just maybe there are other girls out there like
me not knowing what to do or if it’s wrong to love more
than one guy but it’s not wrong to love more than one
guy. It's wrong to be with them at the same time.

I met Dan through a dating app. I wasn't looking for

anything if I am being honest, just going with the flow
and seeing what happens. I didn't expect to fall in love
with him and end up with a broken heart within a year
of meeting him...

I thought he was going to be that type of guy who

wanted sex or dirty pictures, he didn't. He was looking
for a girl with a nice personality and someone who he
would get along with. I didn't like him much at first but I
decided to give him a chance. I didn't find him that
attractive either. We exchanged snapchats and phone
numbers after messaging on the app for a few days. We
spoke so much and had an instant connection. He made
me laugh and smile. He became so attractive after that.
I thought about him a lot, he consumed my mind all
time. I loved it! Then he rang me. We spoke for hours
that day about everything and anything. He was so easy
to talk to. I knew something was there. I realized that
week that I was falling for him. I didn't want to as I
didn't want to get hurt or become too attached to him
but I couldn't stop myself, I had fallen in love with him. I
had known him for couple of months but I had fallen in
love for the first time in my life. It showed me that I had
never fallen for the other guys who I had been with, it
was more of lust or infatuation. With Dan, it was love.
Something that I had never ever felt before. The
months went on and I grew to love him more and more.
We met up in person a few times and it was amazing. I
was so happy! I had lost my grandma a couple of years
ago and I changed and then I lost my closest friends.
They deserted me for no reason. I thought, I had found
love, happiness, the man who was my future, my
everything. He was so supportive and caring and just
there for me through university exam period. He was
my biggest cheerleader and my best friend. He made
me laugh so much and I was never afraid to be myself
with him. I started seeing a future with him, a beautiful
future. We spoke about the future a lot. A future
together. A future apart wasn't what I imagined...

He dropped a bomb on me and like all bombs, I never

saw it coming and it completely destroyed me. This
happened exactly a month ago. You see Dan is Iranian.
Brought up in the UK but Iranian by birth and culture.
His family had chosen a girl for him from Iran. It was
arranged marriage and unfortunately, in this day and
age, they still happen. We broke up. We had to. He told
me that he was so sorry for everything and my world
was crashing down. It was over. The man I loved, wasn't
mine anymore and I couldn't do anything about it. He
can't do anything either. I wanted him to fight for what
he wants! I wanted him to fight for me! I still want him
to but he’s given up! Why!! He is such a confident man
but he doesn't have the guts to say no to his family. It’s
his future! Why can’t he say no!? I wish so badly that he
would but they’re his family but his family should
understand if they want him to be happy. They can’t
force him to go through with it. He chose to let me go
though. He told me that we should stay friends and I
agreed. We hardly spoke after the day he told me
everything but recently, we started speaking here and
there. 4 weeks had passed and we spoke on the phone
a few days ago and I kind of wish we hadn't as his
feelings for me are still there. He told me that he
doesn't want her. I do wish that he would text me or
call me saying he isn't going through with it and wants
to be with me an only me but I know that isn't going to
happen. He isn't happy though. I want him to be happy
even if it is without me. I want him to love her, I want
her to love and care about him and give him the future
he needs to be happy forever. My heart will hurt but it
will heal. He doesn't say it but he wants me. He loves
me. I love him. He wants me to move on and forget him
but how can I move on and forget him, he has given me
so much to remember him by. I cry so much. I will cry
for a long time but I will get over it, hopefully... So many
songs and places remind me of him, of us. My poor
heart is in pieces. It is broken. I feel as though I will
never find anyone like him, no other man will love me
and accept me for me like he did. I don't want to fall in
love ever again. I feel like giving up but I am not a
coward, I have so much left to live for. I miss him so
much. I miss him every single day but I know that I will
have to carry on. Maybe one day, I will find love again
with the right person. Right now I just want to be alone.
I need to be find happiness again by myself and then I
will be ready to love again, well I hope so anyway. I will
never stop missing him or stop thinking of him because
he will always be in my heart forever. I will have to let
him go though and move on. That’s all I can do.

They say that everything happens for a reason so, I

hope that one day when I look back on this period of my
life, I will smile and think to myself 'I'm glad that
happened'. He came into my life for a reason. He isn't a
mistake, just someone who taught me to love and be
myself no matter what but I love him and he will always
be in my heart. I’ll tell my future husband about him
and my children because he was my first love even
though it had a sad ending, you can never ever forget
your first love. I wish he was my first and last love
though.
This is a true story. I am 16 years old then, I knew you at
secondary school. Although we are of different genders,
but we communicate well. We found that friends of
other genders have their own best friends, and both of
us had none, and without telling, we became best
friends. Being best friends, we do things together like
eating, playing and studying. I message her everyday, I
call her everyday. I think of her everyday in my mind at
night.

I found out that I love her. But I did not tell her this, I do
not want our friendship to end just because of this. So I
kept my heart for two years. Then I heard others said
that she had a boyfriend that was not my opponent at
all. He is good in studies, tall and handsome and richer
than me. I am both angry and sad, so I ignored her for
weeks. She always tried to say hello to me but I ignored
her. When she spam me messages, I told her to shut up.

A few weeks later, I heard that she has broken up with

that guy. I was not really happy for it because I can see
her very sad. She called me to go out with her and I
agreed since she was in low spirits. We went to the
shopping mall, to the movies and other games stuff. We
enjoyed our self that day. She thanked me for going out
with her and made her more relaxed.

a few months later, I have the chance to go overseas for

further studies, I did not want to go because of my best
friend, but my parents insisted me to go since it was a
good chance for me to have better jobs. I said goodbye
to my best friend and I thought I saw her cry.

As time fly past, 6 years had gone. I decide to go back

and see how was she. I went to her house and knocked
the door. Instead of her, I saw her mother, she was
crying. I said I wanted to find the girl. She said she
passed away the week before, I should have came
earlier. I blamed myself for two things, one for not
confessing to her and second, not to come earlier. Her
mother asked if I am the guy named `Mr ??' and handed
me a letter, I read it silently. It reads:

I know by the time you read this, I would have not be

here. I have loved you since I knew you, but I did not
dare to tell you. I was so frustrated when other girls talk
to you and I decided to give up on you and get other
bfs, I found one and found out I only love you, so I
broke up with him. ??, I really love you. I hope you will
be happy. See you next life.

I had a best friend. He's a guy. We knew each other

when we were still very young, about 2 years old. Well,
our mothers were best friends. That's why I knew him,
because our mothers were very close. I loved talking to
him. He's like a big brother to me. I was always counting
on him, on whatever. He treated me well. He
encouraged me when I felt sad and devastated. He
hugged me when I cried. He laughed with me when I
felt happy. He fought with guys who made fun of me, or
even made me cry. I just loved him so much. We did
everything together. We played anything, we laughed at
each other, we argued sometimes, but those arguments
were just made our bonds even stronger.

But, when we became teenagers, our feelings changed.

Well, I still felt the same about him. But, I knew that his
feeling was changed towards me. He began to look at
me as a girl, not as his sister anymore. At first, I did not
know about his feeling. But then he told me everything.
He said he told me his feeling because he did not want
to hide it from me. We always told each other
everything. When he told me that, I felt empty. I did not
know what to say, I did not know what to do. Should I
hug him? Should I smile? Should I accept his feeling, or
should I turn him down? I did not even understand my
feeling back then. And, words came out of my mouth. I
didn't realized that I just told him something really
important. "I've already fallen for someone else. I am so
sorry"

He was shocked. His eyes were wide open. I felt really

guilty. What should I say? I couldn't understand
anything. It happened so fast. I did not prepare for this.
I closed my eyes, I was just too afraid to open my eyes. I
could not look at him. But then, he smiled to me. "I
know, it is okay. Even though I love you, it doesn't me
that you have to love me back. My feeling for you have
already changed. I can take your rejection. I know your
feeling. You must be feeling so guilty right now,"
I opened my eyes. And I looked at his eyes and then
whispered "I am so sorry.," He laughed. "I told you, it's
okay. But can I ask you for something?" I said "What is
it? You can, everything," He smiled and touched my hair
"Please don't leave me. I still want to be your best
friend, I still want you to love me as your brother. Can
you?" I nodded. "You know I'll never leave you. You are
my precious"

Then, a year after that, he went to Australia to study. I

felt really sad. He was the one who asked me for not
leaving him, but he was the one who left me. I was
angry at him for a moment. But he still came back for
once in two months. So, I forgave him immediately.
Well, as long as he remembers me, everything should
be fine. But, after his second presence, he was never
came back again for the third or fourth time. I felt
furious and worried at the same time. One night, my
mom got a call. Her best friend, my best friend's
mother, called her. Suddenly my mother was burst into
tears. She couldn't stop crying, even when the call was
already disconnected. I asked her what happened. What
did my best friend's mother say to her? Why did she
make my mother cry?

And then my mom said to me "Mario is sick" Mario was

his name. "His mother just called me. She said that he
has cancer," I laughed. I laughed because I did not
believe her. When he came back for the second time, he
looked healthy, he looked fine. What on earth was
going on? But I knew that there's no way that my
mother could possibly lie to me. And that was really a
serious moment. I took a deep breath, and I asked her
with stutter. Tears were filling my eyes. "What cancer,
mom?" My mom still cried and she answerred
"Leukimia" I felt the whole world was collapsed at that
moment. Even my tears could not fall. I whispered
"God, please save him"

A few months after that, I went to Australia to see him.

He was at the hospital by that moment. I went to his
room and I saw him. He smiled at me and he called my
name, like he used to. I was really shocked. He was very
skinny, and he did not have any hair left. He became a
bald guy. Maybe he knew that I was looking at his head,
that's why he touched his head and said "Cool, right?
Even though I don't have any hair, but I still look
handsome" Oh my God, he still put some jokes. I smiled
at him and laughed. Even though it did not feel funny at
all for me. I laughed because I wanted to make him
happy, I knew that he did not want me to feel worried.
That's why he made that joke.

When our mothers talked to each other outside the

room, I sat on the side of his bed. He kept smiling at me.
I did not say anything. I did not know what to say. I was
afraid, really afraid of losing him. I held his hand, his
very thin hand. He said to me "I'm glad that you came. I
really miss you. Sorry, but with a condition like this, I am
not allowed to go overseas. I am not even allowed to go
to the amusement park or the beach, even though
those places are very near from here" I smiled at him "It
is okay. All you have to do is just taking a very good care
for yourself. Your recovery is the most important thing
right now. Don't think about anything else" He laughed,
but I could see his tears. "I'll never recover. I know that
my life is going to be over soon. I can feel the angel's
whisper. Hahaha. This is my destiny. I can't do anything
about it, can I?"

I shook my head. "No, don't ever say something like

that. I won't let you die. I will never let you go," He
looked at me, with a very cold expression. "We know
that is an impossible thing to happen. I am very grateful
for everything that I have done. I am very happy
because I have a lot of friends. I am very glad that my
family and you are still smiling. I love my life. I don't
have any regrets. I am ready to face God. I am not
scared, at all. Just let me go, okay?" I cried, I couldn't
hold back my tears anymore. "Let go off me. This is
probably the last time I see you. Live your wonderful life
without me. Be happy, okay? I will be sad if you are not
happy. I love you, as a girl, and as my little sister. I just
love you, and I have no reason for that. When you find
someone that you love, let me know. When you get
married, look up to the sky, because I'll be watching
you. Okay, I guess that's enough. Go home now, don't
forget me. And, be happy, Okay? Goodbye.." he said,
with a smile on his face and tears on his eyes. I hugged
him, I did not want to let him go. Because I was afraid, if
I let him go, he would leave me, and never come back. I
hugged him tight. "Goodbye..."

He's already gone. He was right. That was the last time I
saw him. Now, I cannot feel his hug anymore, I cannot
hold his hand anymore, I cannot see his smiling face, I
cannot see him cry. I just want to see him, just one
more time. Can I? Well, I guess someday I can see him.
Before that time, I will always pray for him and live my
life with happiness on my face. "God, please take care
of him"

I would tell him i love you over the phone when my

parents weren't home. I would always hear the reply "I
love you more". Just hearing his voice say that made me
smile, no matter how many times I have heard it. If only
we were allowed to be together. I hate how my parents
were. They were racist and unreasonable, stuck in their
ways. My mom would tell me that i don't know what
love is at such a young age but she was wrong. I was in
love with him. Whenever i saw him, i would smile. I
couldn't help it. My heart would pound even after all
those months we have been together, sneaking and
lying to our parents just so we could be together. Yea, it
sounds bad but it was the only way we could see each
other. We texted each other from morning to night and
when no one was home, we would call each other. One
Saturday morning, i texted him. i never got a reply. He
was always up early in the morning. It was strange that
he didn't text me. So when I got home that night from
work and my parents went out to eat like they do every
Saturday night, I called his house. His mom picked up
the phone and her voice sounded sore and filled with
short breathes like she had been crying and maybe still
was. I asked if Michael was there and when I said his
name, the phone filled with the sound of a sob. After a
minute or so, she calmed herself down and said calmly
to me, "Honey, I'm sorry... I know how much you loved
him but Michael got hit by a car this morning and he's
dead." I just held the phone to my ear, Not wanting to
believe what I heard. I finally said, “dead?" She was
silent for a moment and then said yes. I started crying. I
couldn't stop. I loved him. I heard on the other line of
the phone, "I'm so sorry. This is hard for all of us. If it
makes it any better, He loved you... more then
anything." I couldn't take it. I just said bye and hung up.
I just cried myself to sleep that night and when I woke
up, I got ready and went to church. After the serman,
they were having a tiny funeral for Michael. It was
amazing how fast they got it all together. I looked down
into his coffin, seeing the boy that I loved more then my
own life. I reached down and touched his cheek. It felt
cold and lifeless. Tears were flowing from my eyes,
Mascara was staining my cheeks. I whispered, "I love
you." and blew him a kiss. I walked towards the door
and pushed it open and I started running. I ran past the
field and into the park that we got caught kissing in
once. In the middle of the field, I fell to my knees and I
cried into my hands. At that moment, I felt arms wrap
around me but when I turned around, no one was
there. Then I heard a very low whisper in my ear, "I love
you more."

Sleepless Nights

12:45 in the morning, I cant take anymore, but I have

to, I have to see you. My shift is coming close to its end,
"Penelope" called the nurse. There you were escaping
the shadows of darkness that room behold of you,. The
light touch her exquisite features, long dark hair past
her shoulders and fragrance of ocean breeze, lips as red
and flawless as a bloom rose, eyes so captivating that
shocks all my senses, you are flawless in every way
imaginable, you are my burning desire, my endless love,
and yet the most beautiful and good hearted suffers a
mental disorder. I've only started to work in this
psychiatric ward for 2 months and these months will
rain forever more happiness then, than in my lifetime.
Penelope was suffering from Schizophrenia and I was
just a staff there. It was December 20 the day I met my
Penelope a couple of days before Christmas, it was a
busy day, the staff was organizing patients leaving or
receiving family members for those who had them. I
was standing in the television lobby where all patients
get together watch tv or play cards. The patients were
going to see the psychiatrist to get leaving time and
there was like 50 patients almost the whole ward, the
team leader asks me to give a round check to see if
there was all the patients so I go around my checks and
in room 12B there's a girl standing looking outside these
barred window, I knock she didn't seem to hear so I
open the door, step in and as I do she turns her head
and gives me an angelic smile, my heart melted I was so
stun by her natural beauty I forgot what I was doing
there I probably was standing there for like 2 minutes
before she approaches me and asked "you must be the
new guy", "yes, yes, no, I mean YES" I was nervous
never in my life have I seen a mortal goddess stand
before me. "Is there anybody coming to see you on
Christmas" I asked. She turned looked out the window
and said "No I have nobody". How could she be alone I
thought I would of thought she had a boyfriend or
husband. "You don't" I asked "no I'm alone, I have a
mom and dad but they wont come" she said " have you
tried calling them or writing them?" I asked "yea I've
been writing them everyday since I've been here but I
had no response" she said "that's terrible" I said "No
not really" she said "may I asked why, Penelope" , "my
mental illness has a up side" she said "What???" I asked
very sincerely "I'm never"alone I have friends they'll be
here" she said "but I thought"." she interrupted me and
said " they live in my head I'm the only one that could
see them". My god, what hell are you going through I
asked myself. that way I never be alone no matter what
happens" she said. A bell has rung it was time for there
pills, as I proceeded to walk out her room she grabs my
arm and asks my name I tell her "Frankie" then she says
"Well Frankie, it was a pleasure. If only I would of met
you in a different setting". I couldn't really say anything
you see I'm the shy guy when it comes to females, so I
left it at that, stunned, in the walk way watching her
skip with melody just to get her pills, funny I thought.
Two hours past and I was in the staff room and my boss
tells me to go do round checks. I start from one side
which is 1A on the left and 1B on the right, boy and let
me tell you Hollywood has no comparison on real life
mental illness patients. I finally reach to 12B and there
she is Penelope looking out the window she turns and
sees me as if she knew I was coming. She smiles and
waves at me, OH GOD, I just really would love to take
her out of there just so I could talk to her, to tell her
how these hours in this ward are all so magical just by
her being in this building just as I am. I passed by her
room like 20 times just so I could wave and smile at her,
then the last wave and smile she was laughing at me
knowing that I was just flirting with her. I get beep on
my walkie talkie and my boss tells me to report. So I
decided to pass by her room one last time and there she
was, Penelope, she blows me a kiss and I grab with my
hands, she smiles and laughs and waves again. I leave
her the same wave and smile, then I proceed to the
staff room and my boss tells me its time to clock out
good job on the first day. No not yet please let me stay
longer I thought to myself. So doing as my boss says I
clock out and proceed to leave the office the exist is on
the left while the rooms are on the right of the office. So
I'm leaving turning my head looking at room 12B with
the slightest hope I could see her on the corner window
from her door and there she was..

That night was so hard to fall asleep, I was just thinking

about her, about Penelope, what can I say, how can I
act, what should I do, every time I enter the sleep realm
I see her face and I get a burst of energy.

The next day I called to see if I worked because they still

have not made me a schedule and my boss says I had
off, I knew before he answer me that I already did. My
mom came to visit me and fix this little garden I had in
my backyard she loves flowers and everything that
deals with that topic. I see her putting her little gloves
on and kneeing on the soil taking the weeds out.
"Frankie you really got to start taking good care of this
lawn" "I know mom but with this job and me going to
school I be exhausted" " So how is your CSI schooling
going or better yet how's your love life?" "Schools going
good and yes mom I met a girl" "Yea Frankie how is she,
what is she like, when am I going to meet her, what
classes is she taken?" "Well mom she is not in my school
and she is very polite and beautiful and I really don't
know if she feels the same about me" "Come on son
what girl could resist a handsome devil like you, and
where did you meet her?" "Well mom she lives where I
work" "What!!!!" she yelled. So I told her how we met
and how we flirted. Then she comes out and says "Well
son looks like you got yourself a diamond in the
ruff"..Frankie the white knight?. Ha that was funny mom
really knows how lighten my day.
The next morning my eyes were burning and my head
was pounding from another sleepless night, but I got up
as fast as I could get up I even got to work an hour early.
The patients were all scatter though out the building
some in the tv room some outside in the fenced in yard.
I was just scooping this building just to find her and I
didn't . Three hours went by without no sign of her I
was going crazy myself I thought she must of ran away
or something even more serious but I ease drop on a
conversation the nurse was having with the staff and I
really couldn't hear it well but what I heard is the
Penelope is in solitary confinement for biting one of the
staff. I didn't have access to it unless if I was doing
rounds. An hour past that seemed like an eternity the
patients have received there medication and after
medication they return to there rooms. So my boss tells
me go do my rounds I fly past those room with a one
second look, until I reach the end of this hall and there
it was THE ROOM where they kept a very small doorway
keeping me from her, I open it. There she was with her
back against my view, in a corner sitting next to her bed
on the floor. It was a horrible for me to see her like this,
I felt like crying my feeling were unexplainable. My
thoughts race of Why and a million answer unsolved.
My heart race as if I was having a panic attack of reason
my longing to see her and seeing her here. Then she
turned her head from sorrow and grief to happy and
tearful. "what happen Penelope?" I asked, She said she
didn't want to take her medicine because it clouds her
thoughts and makes her seem like she's a zombie. The
reasons why she bit one of the staff was because they
were trying to force the pills down her throat. I Must
have been there for like an hour, then walks in my boss
"What are you doing here Frankie'" I had no idea what
to say. Then Penelope tells him that I was comforting
her because she was thinking of suicide. You see, a staff
member cant be inside a patients room unless if he or
she is doing harm or thinking about harming itself. So
my boss leaves thinking that was the truth. "I was
thinking about you Frankie that day I first met you, I
couldn't sleep". " I stood up all night just waiting to see
you the next day". "Penelope I thought of you as well,
I've never in my life had problems sleeping until I met
you" "Three hours past and I cherish those hours, I was
making pictures memories every time she smile, scratch
her head, fixed her hair. My walkie talkie beep and my
boss said to take her back to her room. As I proceeded
to walk out I felt lovely hands of what soft and desire
combined grabs mines then she asked "May we join
hands as we walk?" "Of course Penelope" as I said those
words she laid her head upon my chest embracing one
of my hands with both of hers. Her sensational smell full
my nose of exotic images I never been to. As we walk
and we approach her room, she gives me a kiss on my
cheek then she smiles and leaves the lights that
enhances her feature to a shadow and darkness room
where a small square window lets some sun lights
enter. I head back to the staff room and as soon as I
head back, its round checks. Starting at 1A then 1B but
this time I took my time now knowing that she really
likes me as I do her. I reach 12B and there's a letter
underneath the door I reach down grab it and before I
open it she knocks on the window and says don't open
it until you get home, she winks her eyes at me smiles
and blows me a kiss. I finish my rounds and head back
to the staff room. "Go home Frankie" my boss says "Can
I get more hours in today I ask?" "I don't have hours to
give, come tomorrow the earliest you could" "OK boss".
I start to head out and I turn my head looking at 12B
and there she is"""..

Another sleepless night this time I am thinking about

when will she get out and if she would still talk to me or
if I was just a side track to her but whatever I was to her
I didn't care as long as if I was at least next to her.

The next morning I forgotten that she had written me a

letter I open it up and it wasn't a letter but a self
portrait of herself. It was really a beautiful piece of art I
place it inside of a frame and placed it next to my bed. I
reach work at soon as I could I clocked in and headed
towards the tv room and she was sitting on a chair
reading a book , she must of forgotten to comb her hair
that day because it was a mess but she looked dashing. I
approached her she looked up at me and smile ask me
to sit down and she read to me. She read a story about
a wolf dog saving peoples life, "Interesting book" I said
to her, "It really is".I love books has anything to do with
any animals, it's my passion" she said, "Would you like
to walk with me outside, it's a lovely day" she asked "Of
course" I said. "I have something to show you " she said
smiling. She grabs my hands leads me outside and in the
middle of this square fenced in yard was a tree not a
very big tree but a small one. She was starring at the
tree then she started a very low whistle, underneath
the tree roots I saw two round small eyes with pointy
tiny ears and as she proceeded to whistle out came this
flying squirrel. She kneed down and open her palms to
this tiny creature, the squirrel seem to know her
because in an instant it jump right towards her into her
palms. I've seen her smiled before but never like this.
She told me she found it one night that it must of glided
in from one of the nearby trees and couldn't get back
out so it was stuck here, she tells me his name and what
she feeds him and that everyday she comes out to plays
and talk to him, how she going to bring him home when
she gets out. It was magical almost like a Princess
movie. The bell rung she kiss her furry friend goodbye
let him go and she started to skip "you make me feel
like a little girl" she said. We both head in she takes her
pills and heads to her room, 15 minutes past and it was
room checks. This time I played it by the books, I looked
into each room carefully and it must of taken me 7
minutes before I reached 12B. She was sitting on her
bed looking onto an invisible being just talking to herself
and I could hear her so I go a little past her room and
stand between 12b and 13B and I hear her say "He's
everything I looked for my whole life" then a long
silence like a ghost was answering her back "Since I met
him I feel so much better, he keeps my hallucinations at
bay" she answers back to her invisible friend. "I will
continue to see him I don't care what you say leave me
alone" she's screaming at this empty space in front of
her. "He's coming it's round check I'm going to see him,
your dead anyways leave me alone" she started crying
saying these last words to her ghostly friend. I walked in
as she turns her head smiling with teardrops escaping
her eyes, I brush her hair back and wipe her tears and
she tells me that she wants me to leave her alone. So I
leave the room head back towards the staff room and
once again not to my surprise "Clock out" he yelled. So I
head towards the exit I look back and she wasn't in her
doorway window. I felt crushed I quickly rushed home
took a shower and I was standing there for like a hour
thinking what could I have done that her ghostly friend.
Hours past and it was night time, so I decided to go to
sleep early and nothing still the same her face, her face,
her face is all I see, I could feel it's another sleepless
night.

I wake up the next morning to a ring, I take a look at the

clock and it reads 6 in the morning I probably only slept
for 3 hours. I pick up the phone and it's my boss telling
me to come in. I was thinking to myself maybe I'm in
trouble, so I rush to get dress and head out the door. I
reach there and it was a hectic patients leaving from
here with their families and staff getting them to settle
down. Among all this mist of chaotic I saw her, she
glanced at me and started running towards me when
she reached me I was embraced with every muscle she
produced wrapping her arms around me and she looks
at me and tells me "I'm sorry I just had a phase, please
don't let my craziness phase get to you I really don't
mean what I say" I just look at her and wanted to pour
my feelings to her, I wanted to kiss her, embrace her,
with every thought, feeling, liquid, with every human
physical and mental energy I could produced instead I
looked at her and said "It's ok". So she embraced me for
like 5 minutes until one of the staff walked in and she
release her grips. The staff came up to her and asked
"any visitors, or are you leaving?" she reply "no". When
the frenzy died down there was only 6 patients left
including her, the staff decided to put a Christmas
movie for those who stayed and she asked me if we
could go outside and see her friend, I was plotting of
how could I grab her hands, what could be the most
romantic way to do it and as soon as I found a way she
grab mines leaning her head on my shoulder and her
hands embracing mines we head outside, she whistles
and out comes her friend she asks me to give him a try
so I reach my hand out and he glides towards me, as I'm
petting this critter Penelope leans her back on the tree
with her hands folded behind her, I approach her and
she says "I've never been kiss before, I never had a
boyfriend". I always lived behind bars ever since I was
6" "Kiss me Frankie show me what magic lives behind it"
I move in closer lean my head towards her close my
eyes and I could feel her heat among her lips as it
approaches mines and I cant believe I'm about to kiss
her am I even worthy of this? just a little closer and
"RING" the bell rung for there medication. So I pull
away scare thinking one of the staff maybe looking for
us. We both run inside before they see us together
alone, she runs to get her pills while I enter the men
room and wait here until 5 minutes passes over, then I
get a beep my boss tells me to report, I head towards
the staff room and he asks me "Where were you?" I
reply "I was using the rest room" "Go do round checks"
so I skip though all the rooms until I reach hers and she
approaches the doorway window and tells me to kiss
her, she lays her lips upon her doorway window and I
lean in and we both could feel each other life force even
though glass. She pulls away and keeps her eyes closed
for a second then she opens it and she starts to cry and
says in a tearful voice "So it wasn't only your lips, it was
all of you I've felt though a kiss" I placed my hands on
the glass she placed hers on top of mines and this
moment right here will haunt me another sleepless
night but I don't care I lose my sanity just so I could be
with her. My talkie beeps and my boss says to report, I
get there and he tells me to stay until close. My boss
then leaves, and an hour pass and the patients are out
and about and I don't see her so I approach her room
and she's asleep. I just wanted to wake her up so I could
spend all time with her before tomorrow, you see every
Christmas there's a family gathering. So hours pass and
she still in her slumber so I go to check up on her, I open
the door and on her night stand is a book I open it and
it's pages upon pages of sketches of me, I was so
indulge, I stayed in her room until she woke up, her
gently breathing process as she grasps her air has me
breathing the same way, she hypnotise me in this room
by her flawless beauty as she lays asleep, hours pass
and it was soon be the end of today and as I stand to
leave she awakes and gently grabs my fingers and says
"please tell your family about me"..I've never had one
even so I could imagine one day they could be mines
too"..have fun I'll miss you " I approach her and lean
over and kiss her head she replies "I love your kisses". I
smile at her then leave, I clock out and head home and I
turn the knob and my whole family's there "SURPRISED"
they yelled, ha they came from Europe, New York just
to see me what a surprise and even with all my family
here I felt alone, alone without her. It was 12a.m. and
everyone one was opening there present I received a lot
but didn't even touch one "My mother asks me what's
wrong I tell here I have to go. I left the house looking for
an open store I finally reach a walmart, that was open, I
purchase a robot dog and a 2 ft Christmas tree with
ornaments, I race to the ward and I tell the front office
that I'm here to spend time with Penelope, the front
office nurse never seen me because I work 1st shift and
she's at night so I give her a fake name and tell her I was
her boyfriend and she lets me in. I walk pass the tv
room and I see all the other patients have there family
there except for Penelope, I walk into a dark hallway
and walk towards 12B I see her looking outside her
window while the moon reflects her beauty. I knock she
turns her head and smiles and embraces me, I take out
the Christmas tree place it on her night stand while I'm
doing this she covering her month with disbeliefs I ask
her "Lets decorate the tree" I hand her the ornaments
and she's full of joy placing each one on there proper
spot I for got to get a star for the top and she says " I
have something", she pulls out her drawing book rips
out one of the paper and another she folds both of
them into a star and half of the star to the left it's me
and half of the star to the right is her. I've never seen
such art in my life. "I have something for you" I said, I
pull out the robot dog and its wrap with newspaper and
tape before I got here, handed to her and she starts to
unwrap the gift she opens it and grabs the furry robot
and starts to play with it calling Frankie, ha, then she
stops looks at me and says "thank you" she leans onto
to me, pressing her body against mines and kisses me,
all my burdens have escaped my mortal soul to this
immortal kiss. She grabs my hand leads me to her bed
we lay, her feet playing with mines, she gets on top of
me and lays there, the rest is my passionate history. 6
hours later we awake to my cell ring and its my mom
asking where was I, I told her she didn't really care but it
sounded like it she was in a hurry so we hang up and
Penelope asks me if we could go outside for a minute
we head out there the sun has just begun to rise we lay
beneath the tree holding hands talking about our
interest and dislike. Hours has past and the intercom
ask Penelope to report to her room we head back and
before we enter her room I see a womanly face I know
we enter and my mother and some of my family are
here, they brought one of the table from the cafeteria
and moved some of her furniture around, they also
brought in some pasta and some food from my moms
cooking, she couldn't believe her eyes she thought she
was in a dream, it was all new to her. My mom
introduce herself and my family as well, we sat down,
she was so happy she couldn't stop smiling that
stunning smile. That night she and I, join each other
spiritually.

A month has pass since that day and we grew even

closer, I visit her on my days off, she read to me, we visit
her furry friend, laid underneath the tree every thing we
could do together we did, I love her but when all said
and done it wasn't enough for me I wanted to do
something special for her but with that my life stopped.
It was February 12 and I came to her room at 2 in the
afternoon while I was doing round checks I asked her "
would you like to escape with me tonight and we'll
return in the morning", "Of course that sounds like fun"
she said. "ok be ready by 12 I'll be back" I said. My shift
was over so I headed home thinking how in the world
would I pull it off there is only one entrance in and out
another entrance only out (an emergency exist) so it
was 11 I was parked outside the ward still thinking, but I
just went with my gut feelings I didn't care about the
consequences. I enter the ward passing the front desk
without her noticing me and I run to her room opening
the door and she was just getting dress, I could see so
vivid in the night as the moon shined on her so brightly,
she is the most astonishing female I've ever saw. She
reach over kiss my lips and said "are you ready?", "yeah
just wait here for a minute" I ran out her door and reach
the emergency exist push it open the sirens went off I
ran back to her room waited until the staff went to
investigate the emergency and as soon as they ran
across her room we ran for the entrance I came in. We
jump in my car and left. The first place we went was to
my house I bought her a dress, because she never had
one, we got dress and had to leave, we were under a
very strict timeline. The first place we went was the zoo
I had a friend who I knew since kid years so he let me in.
We went to see all the animals but only one she stayed
and adore them the most amongst the others, it was a
wolf, so I asked her " do you feel sorry for them?" she
says "They remind me of me, an animal wanting to
explore it's natural habitat but instead lock with its head
down gazing into the outside world, once having a
family, taken away by society just for mere eye
pleasure" " you know Penelope that wolf really does
symbolise you, how could a beautiful creature but kept
away from this world, how could a perfect creature be
caged in, there nothing wrong with you?"..She stayed
quite and proceeded to walk towards the car, she asked
me "Can we go to the movies I never been to a real
one?". " Of course but I really don't know if there's any
open at this time !". So we search for a hour looking for
an open one and we found a little cheesy low budget
theater she said "this one would be fine." We headed to
the ticket booth and they said they weren't playing any
movies but only upcoming movies clips, "that sounds
terrific" she said. We headed inside grab our seats, she
held my hands firmly like if she was scared, the lights
turn dimmed and she was so amazed by each preview,
she wanted to see every movie, I could see the gleams
in her eyes as if she was a kid. We started kissing each
other every time we see a couple kiss on the preview,
then she asked me if we could get married once she's
out of there "Of course" I said. She laid her head upon
my shoulder so I moved my shoulder and arm rest so
she could lay on my lap. Hours had past and we fell
asleep, I woke up in a frantic scare waking her up too, it
was 10 in the afternoon we rushed towards the ward
we enter and as soon as we did my boss said "Thank
god, Frankie you got her," "It wasn't". "Yeah, he really
did catch me" she said interrupting me. My boss said
"ok, Frankie clock in and stay in the front desk I don't
want the mistake to happen again." As I stayed there I
see 3 male staff and 2 female staff approach her and
leading her to the psychiatric room. An half an hour has
pass and I see her in a straight jacket heading towards
solitary confinement room, I didn't know what to do,
should I tell them it was my fault, but then they'll fire
me and I'll never see her again, so my shift was over and
my final rounds, but my boss said just to leave. I clocked
out and heading towards the door looking onto 12B
knowing that she wasn't there.
That night I couldn't sleep all my thoughts were selfish
ones how could I ask her to do that knowing the
consequences but not caring.

The next morning I wake up to a call it was my boss

asking me to come in. I flew by traffic arriving there in 5
minutes from 15 minutes it usually takes me. He tells
me to clock in and gives me the schedule I see I work
everyday from 8 to 3. The patients were in the tv area,
some outside and some in there rooms but Penelope
she still was in her room. How long are they going to
keep her there, so I went to visit her, but my boss saw
me and said " You cant go see her, she's unstable and
your only responsibility today is the front desk," I was
going crazy, I didn't know what to do. So hours have
passed and it was time for me to go home. I clocked out
turned my head looking at 12B and in my head I could
see her looking at me and smiling.

That night I didn't sleep at all I stayed up thinking what

should I do how could I get her out.

Days have pasted and I pass her room and she still
wasn't there, she been there for a week now, but today
I decided not to give a care in the world I'm going to go
inside that room even if it costs me my job I don't care I
really need to see her, so I left the tv room where I was
station passed all the rooms until I reached the small
doorway before I even open the door the knob turn and
she comes out being followed by the psychiatric and 2
staff they were letting her be release back to her room,
but I could tell she wasn't the same. An hour has passed
and I was anxious about room checks so the bell rung
for medication the patients returned to there rooms. I
flew pass all these doors until I got to her. There she
was laying faced up on the bed, I knocked she didn't
seem to budge so I open the door , she stayed the same
position even when I walked in. I approached her she
looked at me smiling but flooded with tears. I was
hurting inside, it was killing me seeing her smile of joy
and seeing her cry of suffering. "What happen
Penelope?", "there voices in my head, I can't control
them, my shadow talks to me, I hate that room it brings
all my fear out" I was speechless I couldn't even imagine
what she was going through, it was all my selfish needs.
"Sorry" Penelope" I could feel myself tearing up. "For
what, I'll do it again even if it cause my sanity." I had to
leave the room my tears were running, I went to men
room and let it all out I was crying for a girl I barely
knew but I really love, oh, man I couldn't take it. I rush
back to her room and she was still in the same position
talking to herself, I could feeling a burning saddest
exiting my lungs and stomach as it turn into tears
running down my cheek. I messed up this girls life I
head towards the staff room and my boss tells me to
clock out. So I do but this time I head towards her room
I open her door sit next to her and wipes her tears away
and she looks at me and says "we never should have
came back" I know I thought to myself, as I grab her
hands slowly and start to kiss them passionate. I leave
the room heading towards the exit and I look back and
she wasn't there.

Why can’t I sleep, I love you Penelope, why am the

brink of losing my mind, I love you Penelope, Please
forgive me, I love you Penelope.

Days have turned into weeks and she stayed the same
position, she tells me the voices are getting louder and
now she's starting to have a nervous breakdown, she
tells me she wants to kill herself before she ends up
losing her whole personality, I couldn't even focus out
on my job and out of it, I comfort her the best way I
could, my hours in all my weeks are spent with her on
the clock or off, I read to her, I kiss her, I tell her I love
her, she does too, we do everything together, but the
more I've tried the worst she got. One day I've decided
not to go in just to see if she gets any better.

That night I slept real well I had a vivid dream and she
was in it I dreamt, we had a house together, kids and
even our own zoo, but dreams are just that, dreams.

The next day I went to work looking for her and I

couldn't find her I've looked in her room and she wasn't
there I went to the tv room she wasn't there I went
outside to the tree and she wasn't there but I saw her
animal friend underneath the roots of this tree and he
wasn't moving. I thought to myself how devastated she
would be, I headed back inside and she was no where to
be found so I already knew that she was in that room so
I let the day go by without any worries, time past and it
was time to leave I look back to her room and I saw
nothing.

I've dream about you again Penelope how we dance

underneath that tree, how we escape and lived a life of
no worries and adventure, how we grew and learned
from one another.

The next day I rushed to the ward just to see her, I

couldn't find her anywhere, I finally had enough I
headed towards that room I opened the door and
nothing. I went to the psychiatric and ask her "Where's
Penelope?" she looked at me while talking on the
phone and said "Oh she died" and kept on with her
conversation through the phone I yelled "What!? she
stopped and said " Yes, that day you called off she hung
herself in that tree." At that moment I ran home I left
my car when I got home this great deal of pain struck
me I couldn't stop crying I held my breathe just so I
could and couldn't, tears dripping onto my shirt when I
came about, my shirt was soaked I started to crying
even more I couldn't believe it. I don't even have a real
picture of her she only lives in my dreams, the only
thing I do is sleep the whole day just to see you, I
should've done more, we should've ran way together, I
should've never taken that day off from work.
Oh, Penelope this world has nothing to offer me, please,
please let this be a lie, let this tears of sorrow really be
tears of joy, lets say you ran away again instead of
killing yourself, let my dreams really be reality. I will see
you tonight".

It's 12:45 in the morning, I can’t take it anymore, I but I

have to see you...I take 20 sleeping pills and there it
was...