The Suited Monk

A guide to life purpose and happiness

by

Raf Adams
 Disclaimer

Every attempt has been made to ensure the accuracy and reliability of the information in this
book. Neither the authors nor the publisher can be held responsible for any disadvantages readers
might experience from the perusal of this book.

© Raf Verheyen, 2011

This book is copyright under the Berne Convention.

No reproduction in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording, or otherwise) without permission of the copyright owner.
All rights reserved.

The Life Journey Model® is a registered trademark in Great Britain and Northern Ireland
Number 2577762 in the name of Raf Adams & Company.

The right of Raf Verheyen to be identified as the author of this Work has been asserted by
him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

First published in 2012 by WOW! Books

WOW! Books
The Hub
34B York Way
London NI 9AB

ISBN: 978-0-9570553-1-5
 Table of Contents

Acknowledgments
Foreword by Dr. Mike Thompson
1. IN SEARCH OF MEANING, PURPOSE AND HAPPINESS….11
Find happiness in your life as it is right now…11
How to use this book for your greatest benefit….12
2. HOW IT ALL BEGAN……14
My world falls apart……14
The stress builds…14
A fresh start…14
True love…17
The universe provides…18
Awakening……19
You can have it too…21
3. THE LIFE JOURNEY MODEL …22
Origins of the Model……22
Overview of the Model……23
The Model describes your life……26
4. THE EXTERNAL JOURNEY…27
The external world…27
The ego…29
Separation…32
Wants and needs to satisfy externally…32
The cycle of pleasure and pain…34
Now what? …35
5. THE GAP……36
External focus = emptiness……36
The law of rejection……39
The law of acceptance……40
Bridging the Gap……42
6. DISCOVERING YOUR INNER WORLD…46
The internal world …46
Are you on your internal journey? ……47
Becoming more conscious and aware ……48
Living consciously ……50
Wants and needs to support a purpose …52
Acquiring knowledge versus learning through awareness…54
Past, present and future……55
7. CHALLENGES……57
Acceptance of challenges……57
Challenges in the internal world…59
Face your fears ……60
Develop trust………60
Follow your intuition………62
 Living in the flow………63
8. TRANSFORMING YOUR EXPERIENCE……65
Eliminate suffering………65
Negative emotions………66
Positive emotions………67
9. THE RELATIONSHIP JOURNEY……70
Internal divinity ……70
False love……71
True love ……72
Finding love…73
10. YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE……75
The Three Missions..… 75
Discovering your true mission…76
Awakening…79
Internal life rewards……80
11. CONCLUSION……82
About the author……84
Further Information……85
Glossary Life Journey Model…86
 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

This book would not exist without the feedback, support, and input from many great people:

My mentor, business partner, and friend Dr. Mike Thompson, who has been a great adviser and
offered fresh insights on the manuscript.

Micah Thompson, who did tremendous work on the final editing and proofreading of each
chapter.

Jude Berman, who provided helpful editorial guidance to improve the manuscript.

The participants in my workshops, from whom I have learned so much and who have been
instrumental in bringing this book to fruition. It has been my greatest privilege to know and work
with each of you.

I would like to give special recognition to Jeff Tan, whose insights on the book have been of
immense value. Truly, without you it would never have become what it is.

Finally, there aren’t enough words to thank my love, Grace Park, who has been my greatest
support throughout the journey of this book—reflecting on everything and giving her feedback—
as she has been and continues to be on the entire journey that is my life.

And most importantly to you, the reader, who is helping me reach out to a wider network, to
deliver a message I know must go out into the world.

Despite the contributions of all these people, you are likely to find at least a few errors on these
pages, as well as some things that don’t resonate with you. I apologise for the former in advance.
With respect to the latter, please take what resonates for you and leave the rest.
 FOREWORD

by Dr. Mike Thompson, Professor of Management Practice

China Europe International Business School

I have often thought that the best way to define a man’s character would be to seek out
the particular mental or moral attitude in which, when it came upon him, he felt himself
most deeply and intensively active and alive. At such moments, there is a voice inside
which speaks and says, “This is the real me.’

William James, The Letters of William James, 1878 1

For as long as I can remember I have perceived life as a journey in which one navigates the
challenges, the joys and the vistas of distinct and different stages. Inevitably, our individual life
stages are the result of choices. Choices are limited by the nature of our talents, the degree to
which we require financial security, the expectations of significant others, but, most importantly
by our own self-knowledge, character and the way in which we assess and deploy our talents and
capabilities. Of course, there is much stumbling, but the hope of life is that we learn, we mature
and ultimately enjoy the reward of “flourishment”: the flourishing of our whole unique
personality and talents. I know that flourishment is not an official word but it is the nearest
‘made-up’ adjective that seems to convey the completeness enjoyed by a person who has
practiced the virtues of life. Such a person has found the joys of the good life in family, in
community relationships and in their role in the wider world. Flourishment is the blossoming of
who we really are – the “authentic self”. In flourishment, as a state of being, we find meaning,
purpose and happiness in life.

But how do we reach the state of flourishment? Well, you have in your hand an unusual, easy-
to-read and yet profound book, The Suited Monk, with a strong and clear message that meaning,
purpose and happiness in life is attainable. During the past three years, Raf Adams has
experienced a way of living which has helped him to navigate the vicissitudes of life, handle
disappointments and enjoy the rich insights of his inner self. The inner self is so frequently
masked out by what Raf calls the “external world” – the world we look out upon which,
according to Raf, has no power to offer us lasting happiness. Our ego tells us that that
satisfaction can be realised through achieving possessions and status in the external world. But,
as Raf points out, attaining our wants gives way to a feeling of insufficiency when the ego
realises it has not been fully satisfied by the external possessions or achievement. “Why do so
many of us strive for external success when it ultimately fails to give us the fulfilment we’re
seeking?” is one of many challenges that Raf poses in The Suited Monk. It is with challenges and
claims like this that the message of The Suited Monk gently assaults the intellect and the rational
materialist mode of thinking and world views to which we have become so readily attuned.

The Suited Monk does require a kind of spiritual acquiescence to what Raf refers to as guidance
and insight from the universe – an all pervasive energy that connects to our inner self and which
can offer us prompts and insights along life’s way if we could but recognise them. Although Raf
defines universe as a force that might be considered as a higher power or God, he does not
engage in a religious or philosophical discussion; rather, he accepts that there is an energy
available to help us to live a purposeful, meaningful and happy life. So, for example, unforeseen
events may be interpreted as messages from the universe to let us know that a change is needed.
But our ego may fear change and therefore rejects or does not even “see” the messages that are
sent our way. Recognising the messages, observing one’s environment and attuning oneself to
what might be emerging for us and then making choices and decisions is an exciting, and yet
risky, way of life.

When Raf first told me his story and the discovery that he made about following his heart (“inner
self”) and developing his inner world, not simply conforming to the external world, it helped me
to make sense of the distinctive intuitions and perceptions that I had also experienced. I
remember, for example, that during a flight from Shanghai to London in October 2008, I
experienced a powerful inner sense, a vision, (perhaps a call) that I should move to Shanghai –
no one had invited me! Although I was surprised by the strong sense that this was a next “life-
step” for me, I did not feel frightened by the prospect. Shanghai was not in my mind or plan at all
but I chose not to close down the impression that I had “received” but rather to explore it, to
discuss it with family and friends and to weigh it. The Shanghai plan emerged as I kept my
“inner eyes” open to the events and the opportunities that opened up for me over the following
four months before we made the final decision to move. I had known and responded to such
intuitions before and in each case there were plenty of rational reasons not to respond to them –
mainly the risk of getting it wrong and facing the steady-state loss of security (and maybe status)
of my circumstances at the time.

Perhaps you too have experienced such intuitions. The Suited Monk will help you to make sense
of those occasions when you have really acted in line with your “inner self” rather than the
requirements pushed upon you from the external world. The Suited Monk has the possibility of
increasing our sensitivity to the signs and prompts from what Raf refers to as the universe - an
energy and ‘sight’ that somehow comes to you. Seeing the ‘unseeable’ is faith, which is a modus
operandi that we use in circumstances in which there are no certainties or rational explanations
to go on. Perhaps this kind of faith points us towards the possibility of a divine and loving being
although Raf is careful not to tread in any particular religious paths. But as the neuroscientific
and psychological studies in the field of consciousness and self identity demonstrate, these
dimensions of human experience are easier to observe and to describe than they can be
explained. Faith is a non-rational and highly personal ‘explanation’ which lies beyond the realm
of scientific enquiry. Faith touches the heart and tantalises the intellect.

Raf writes honestly about his own early life of unhappiness and sense of failure, of maintaining a
respectable professional career whilst inwardly feeling empty and deeply unhappy. But as Raf
began to listen to the voice within and took charge of his destiny, his life radically changed. How
his life was transformed is the story of The Suited Monk. Raf is a remarkable and unusual man –
his vision and sight is clear and I believe his motive is to help people in their journeys of life. It
has been my privilege to journey along with Raf after first meeting with him two years ago and
to understand something of his heart towards people and the world. A message as strong and as
clear as the one that Raf delivers may result in accusations of arrogance. But I believe that Raf is
essentially a humble man with a passion to share his experiences and insights widely.
As far as Raf is concerned, the inner world is where you can find happiness, joy, love, bliss,
purpose and spiritual awakening – and he wants to share this message with the world. I guess
many people are already experiencing this kind of life. This was evident to me during a recent
visit to a slum area in Navotas City in Manila, Philippines. Despite the tiny and densely
populated living quarters and narrow walkways, some of which were extended over sea water,
there was an order and happiness amongst the people in full measure. Everyone was smiling and
friendly despite the evident daily struggles of existence. Children played happily, older ones
looking after younger ones and no one begged for money. I was profoundly touched by
witnessing such happiness within a community which might have otherwise been regarded as an
unhappy place. Is it possible that the people of Navotas City had grown up with the inner elixir
of life despite the hardships of the external world?

Whilst the message of living in this way has always been present within streams of thought over
the ages, this message comes with the freshness of one man’s version of it based on his own
experiences. He has found a new way of life in which he finds himself happy every day in his
soul despite the physical and material pressures of everyday urban life. This book is one man’s
answer to the historical quest of humanity to change for the better – to find peace, to live more
harmoniously, to change the way society works: in society, in business, in education, in
healthcare, in the developing world, in the preservation of planetary resources and in its
governance. We all know that the most interesting changes emerge from within as we begin to
recognise who we could become and the kind of character that we might develop. As Leo
Tolstoy wrote,
There can be only one permanent revolution - a moral one; the regeneration of the inner
man. How is this revolution to take place? Nobody knows how it will take place in
humanity, but every man feels it clearly in himself. And yet in our world everybody
thinks of changing humanity, and nobody thinks of changing himself. 2
If you want to think about changing yourself and your life journey, then read on…
Mike Thompson
Shanghai
January, 2012
 1.
IN SEARCH OF MEANING, PURPOSE AND HAPPINESS

My life today is radically different from what it was only a few years ago. Growing up, I wasn’t
particularly happy. My relationships weren’t filled with love and when I got older, rather than
being a source of enjoyment, my job put me under constant stress and pressure to achieve. I
found it difficult to relate to people and although I tried to make myself fit into the world around
me, that strategy never seemed to work. For twenty-seven years I struggled with feelings of
inadequacy, depression and self-doubt – the full gamut of negative emotions. Bottom line, you
could say I was pretty miserable.

A few years ago everything changed. What previously was darkness was now light. Within three
years I was fortunate enough to find love and a renewed meaning and purpose in life. I found
true and lasting happiness and now every single day, my life feels whole, complete and simply
perfect. In the next chapter, I shall tell you in more detail how this transformation came about but
for the moment, let me just say that it was a radical shift and it has made my life as it is today a
truly fulfilling experience from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. Basically,
all I do is follow what I feel in my heart is right. The result is that I live each moment with total
bliss, flow and joy. I have no more pain and no more fear because I trust in the rightness of
whatever has happened and whatever is happening.

I am not sitting by myself in a cave somewhere. I wear a business suit and enjoy my work every
day in the business world and yet at the same time I feel spiritually whole. I have come to think
of myself as a suited monk. That is, I have found the inner peace one assumes might come only
from living a dedicated spiritual life and yet I enjoy all the external things that life has to offer. I
live an integrated life with spiritual wholeness and reality.

Find happiness in your life as it is right now

The transformation that happened to me is not uniquely mine. It’s not something that should be
turned into classified information. It’s something that belongs to all of us; it’s our birthright as
human beings. We all have a right to grow as individuals and become whole. In my work as a
coach and workshop leader, I am constantly reminded that most people are seeking something
more in their lives. Everyone wants to be connected with his or her own self, to love and be
loved, yet, so few know how to create a truly satisfied and fulfilling life for themselves. They
don’t know where to find the answers to their most important and meaningful questions.

Recently I met a 45 year-old businessman who was referred to me by one of my previous

workshop participants. We met up for coffee. This man was successful in business, good looking,
engaging and smart. But as he opened his heart to tell me about his situation, I could sense the
tears forming in his eyes. I felt the desperate sadness underlying his strong appearance. Even
though his life was going well, by all accounts, he was on the verge of burnout. He felt as though
he was about to crack; about to lose it all. His case is not unique. I see an epidemic of people all
around facing the same challenges. For this reason, I am speaking about what I have experienced
and learned, as much as I can, to anyone who is interested in listening because I believe you can
find the same lasting happiness. My invitation to you is to discover your own inner self – who
you truly are. Find out what makes you happy and what gives meaning and purpose to your life.
In other words, find your own inner monk.

Our minds tend to give so much power to the external world, yet nothing in the external world
has the power to give us lasting happiness. The only thing we can be completely certain about in
the external world is change. We forget that all of a sudden an earthquake could wipe the slate
clean; we could be fired from our job; our house could catch fire and all our possessions would
be lost; friends and loved ones can die or simply walk away from us. One of my clients recently
shared that his wife had left him after 25 years of marriage. His words were: “Of all the people in
the world, I wouldn’t expect this would happen to me.” For some reason, he thought he was
immune to the winds of change but the truth is that happiness which depends on other people,
places or events can disappear in the blink of an eye.

When we believe that something on the outside is making us happy, we then depend on having
this thing in order to feel happy. Our happiness is derived from our surroundings and as soon as
something there changes, we are affected by it – for better or for worse. We need to turn this
around. Instead of following our old habit of looking outside ourselves, we need to develop the
awareness to look within. When you do this, you will unlock the key to happiness. You’ll be able
to say: “I’m happy just the way I am. I’m completely fulfilled, no matter what happens around
me.” From this perspective, you will be living in your internal world. This internal state of being
is not dependent on your surroundings and you can experience it anytime, anywhere. You can
experience it right now in your life just as it is and in every moment thereafter.

In this book, I shall show you how I spontaneously achieved this state of being and how you can
achieve it, too. If this is something you want for your life, then you’ll want to read this book.

All too often, we think of the world as something to fight against, to conquer, to control in order
to get what we really want but even when we do conquer the world and achieve that glorious
moment of pleasure – we get that sought-after promotion, the perfect wife or husband, the most
prized piece of property – we find we’re in search of the next thing. The thing that made us
happy yesterday is merely a pale shadow of happiness today. “Great, I got it,” we think with little
or no pause. “Now, what else can I get?” More, more, more; bigger, better, greater, grander;
more luxury, more perfection, more serenity, more glamour. But where does all this lead? We
believe that if we achieve, gather and retain all these things after a lifetime of clamouring for
success, the points we’ve won will add up to and give us happiness. “All that’s needed,” we
think, “is to work hard, struggle, put my far-fetched dreams aside and keep my eye on the prize.”
But how do we know with certainty the external things we’re striving for will bring us happiness
in the future? Perhaps they will, perhaps they won’t.

What can you be absolutely, completely certain of except for this very moment?

How to use this book for your greatest benefit

From the moment humans appeared on this earth we have evolved. Each generation has passed
its knowledge to the next. Sometimes, this knowledge has disappeared for decades or even
centuries only to reappear many generations later. Today, a growing number of us are developing
the awareness that there is more to life than what we can see with our physical eyes. We are
learning to use and rely on our internal eyes — that is, our heart and intuition — to guide our
lives and connect us with the greater whole. Although this ability was widely known by the
ancients and is still practiced in many native or traditional cultures, it was not common
knowledge to most of our immediate ancestors.

Believing in what doesn’t physically exist and understanding that we are on an internal journey
of self-discovery is what this book is about. It is designed to help you discover your own inner
world, to discover your own inner monk. The inner world is where you can find happiness, joy,
love, bliss, purpose and spiritual awakening. This book is my gift to you. It is meant to guide and
advise you on your life journey. Its concepts are based on the collective wisdom of the world’s
greatest spiritual traditions and teachers and on my own personal experience. I have walked in
the two worlds, external and internal. I have transformed my life so these worlds flow together as
one. I am an entrepreneur, serve as an executive coach, teach public and corporate workshops
and seminars to help people experience happiness, meaning and purpose in their work and life. I
help them transition from the external to the internal world, to find love, to resolve their inner
struggles and to experience spiritual awakening.

Whether you are working for a corporation or are an accountant, policeman, lawyer or teacher
you can find happiness, bliss and love. The peaceful, complete and joyful state of being to which
the insights in this book point is wholly yours. It is your right as a human being to experience
these truths in your life. The truth to which this book points is beyond words, therefore, many of
its concepts are not an end in themselves but they merely guide you towards your own truth
which can only be found within yourself. Each chapter conveys a message and introduces you to
another step on your internal journey. If you follow this journey, you may achieve awakening.
You will have and receive everything you need to live in the flow of life and to lead a
comfortable and happy life.

After telling you in greater detail about my own transformation (chapter 2), I present the Life
Journey Model, which is a visual representation of the Journey of Life (chapter 3) and which
gives form to the process described in the following chapters. I shall then discuss the external
world, with which most people currently identify. In the external world, we constantly search for
satisfaction from other people and things. At the same time, we identify primarily with the egoic
mind, which is by nature prone to feeling unhappy and dissatisfied (I explain this in greater detail
in chapter 4). If we want to become free of the egoic mind, it is helpful to first recognise what is
not our true being, so we can discover what our being really is. The more we identify with our
external world, the emptier we feel. We suffer and feel pain because we are increasingly
disconnected from ourselves. This is what I call The Gap (chapter 5). The next chapters guide
you through your own spiritual awakening and reconnection with your wholeness. You will
discover what it feels like to become conscious and live in the present moment (chapter 6); what
happens when you face challenges with acceptance and surrender to your intuition (chapter 7);
why you experience positive or negative emotions, happiness or unhappiness (chapter 8) and the
meaning of true love, your inner divinity and your life’s purpose (chapters 9 and 10).
Are you ready to experience a fulfilling life journey in work, at home and within yourself?

2. HOW IT ALL BEGAN

I was born in Belgium on the 3rd of July 1979. I had a fulfilling childhood with much fun and
joy. My connection with the universe — the term I like to use to refer to what can be considered
a higher power, or God — was a natural and important part of those early years. I still have a
clear image of myself at age six, sitting with my family around the dinner table. I was the one
who recited the prayer before the meal. At that time, my dream was to become a priest.

My World Falls Apart

When I turned twelve everything changed. The carefree joy faded away and instead I felt at odds
with life. Although I didn’t realise it at the time, much of this discomfort came from the
unfolding of my personality and of the set of unique characteristics and needs that distinguished
me from others.

I began to sense that my inclinations and opinions were different from those of my friends. For
example, whenever a group of us went the movies, everyone wanted to see one movie and I
wanted to watch something else. This happened time and again and I always handled it the same
way because I didn’t want to appear different in the eyes of the others. I wanted to be accepted as
part of the group so I kept quiet about my opinions and went along with what everyone else
wanted. This effort to fit in with friends and within society worked in the moment but it carried a
huge toll. I became very unhappy. I often cried in my bedroom for days, feeling completely
alone, unable to fit in and just plain miserable. I believed that this unhappiness was life: it had
become my reality.

After a point, my father noticed I was in the habit of secluding myself in my room. He came in
one day and asked, “What happened? Why are you crying?” I couldn’t say anything. Finally I
couldn’t hold in my feelings any longer, I cried out, “You’re never there for me!” My father
immediately walked away without saying a word. His response reinforced what I was feeling:
alone, lonely and totally empty within myself. I was miserable and ready to give up on life. It
pained me that I couldn’t count on my father’s love or guidance. To make matters worse, when I
was nineteen he divorced my mother. I was furious and I didn’t speak to him for more than eight
years.

The Stress Builds

My first real relationship started when I was eighteen. In the beginning, my girlfriend provided
the security and safety for which I had been longing. However, it was not a healthy relationship.
For the next three years I found myself being mentally abused. I was too weak to resist, too shy,
too insecure and too self-doubting. My girlfriend took advantage of these weaknesses. I wanted
to end the relationship but she threatened to kill herself if I left. I felt trapped.
While I was in that relationship, my girlfriend became upset if I saw other people so I lost all my
friends. I even quit school because of my troubled relationship and stopped playing soccer.
Soccer was the one thing that had kept me going during adolescence.

Eventually, work gave me the space and time I needed to separate from my girlfriend. By the
time I ended our relationship, I was mentally, emotionally and physically broken. My friends
were gone, my father was not there and although my mother was a caring person, she didn’t
understand what I was going through. The truth was that I was even out of touch with myself. I
didn’t know who I was or where I was going; it was almost as though I had no soul. In this kind
of vacuum, I threw myself into pursuing a corporate career in the freight forwarding business. If
I just worked hard enough, got a promotion and became a success I thought I would be able to
overcome my miserable life.

By working extremely hard I was able to earn a promotion. I tasted success but it wasn’t enough.
People in the company continued to push me to learn and to grow further in the business. I
decided to take evening classes in freight forwarding studies so I could earn my bachelor's
degree. It wasn’t a subject that interested me but I felt I needed to do this to get further in my
career and increase my self-worth. After three tedious, miserable years I received the degree.

The stress and pressure in my company was immense but I was determined to become a high
achiever. I was so determined that I ignored all the signs of impending burnout; the craving for
success consumed me. One day, in the office, I suddenly had to vomit because I was so
exhausted from overwork. I dashed to the doctor who diagnosed chronic fatigue syndrome. For
two weeks I was flat on my bed, exhausted and burned out. Fortunately, the illness didn’t
become chronic. I recovered, only to return to the office to work long hours and create more
stress and tension within myself. On weekends, I sat glued to my computer screen from morning
till night. This and a new girlfriend were my main means of distracting myself so I didn’t feel
miserable. Still, I had no clear sense of who I was or what I wanted. I wasn’t in love, in fact, I
was scarcely present in my new relationship.

Although I didn’t realise it at the time, I was living life unconsciously, always longing for
external pleasure and excitement and doing anything and everything to avoid connecting with
myself. When I was playing computer games or having sex with my girlfriend to chase that
exciting feeling, I would feel temporarily happy but ultimately I felt even emptier inside.
Paradoxically, the more I ran after excitement, the worse I felt afterwards when it seemed to
abandon me. I began to wonder if simply ending this life was my best option.

A Fresh Start

One day, while I was still in this disturbed state of mind, I met a psychic who said she could see
within someone’s character and even had the ability to communicate with loved ones who had
passed away. What she said to me came as a shock. She told me I was a good person. For the
first time in a long time I became emotional. Hearing someone say I was a good person was like
entering heaven on earth. I couldn’t believe my ears: me, a good person? Nobody had ever told
me that before. The psychic also told me that something amazing would happen in my life when
I was about thirty. After that encounter, I started believing in myself. It was the first time I had
any real sense of self-worth. I was 25.

Soon after, my life took a very different turn. By chance, I met the managing director from my
company’s international office in Hong Kong when he was in Belgium for a brief business trip. I
ran into him on the street next to our office and after spending ten minutes together, told him I
wanted to work overseas. Almost immediately, I was on my way to a job interview in Hong
Kong for a position in China.

The moment I stepped onto the airplane in Brussels and looked at the Asian flight attendants and
other passengers, I knew this was what I wanted. It was what I had wanted all along, even if I
didn’t realise it. And even more amazingly, it was all unfolding without conscious effort on my
part. During the week I spent in Hong Kong, I felt all the stress and burden and pain fall from my
shoulders. The only thing I felt was freedom. I was free of my family, friends, personal
belongings and all the people who had been judging me and telling me what to do. Leaving
everything and everyone behind was empowering and liberating. I no longer had to identify
myself with my unhappy life in Belgium.

After I returned to Belgium, the company offered me the job, telling me that I could start within
two months. So I packed one suitcase and was on my way to China. I didn’t know anyone in
China, I didn't speak the language and the locals didn’t speak English or Dutch but I didn’t care;
I was free.

A year and a half later, I experienced an awakening moment that forever transformed my inner
world. My boss recommended that I should learn more about personal leadership development.
In one book he recommended, the author said one should learn to listen and pay attention to
one’s inner child. The moment I read that, I felt a shift within my body. I consciously opened
myself to receive my inner child. Immediately I felt his presence within me. I told my inner child
that I was sorry I had ignored and neglected him for 27 years. I cried for days after that
experience. Sometimes I even cried in the office. These weren’t tears of sadness; rather they
were an expression of my new openness. I was healing from years of pain, frustration and anger;
of never fitting in and always trying to be someone I was not. Up to that point, I had always
focused on the external world and never paid attention to my own internal being. I felt more
liberated every time I cried.

To try to make sense of my experience, I began researching this inner development. First I took a
short test and learned that I am what psychologist Elaine Aron termed a highly sensitive person
(HSP)3. HSPs are introverts with a finely tuned nervous system that makes them pick up on and
react to subtle stimuli in their external environment that the average person would not even
notice. I also learned that I fit the profile of an indigo child. Indigo child is a label that was
coined by psychic Nancy Ann Tappe 4 in the 1970s and refers to children who possess unusual
abilities such as paranormal abilities, heightened empathy and creativity.
I also took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI)5 personality assessment and learned that I
fitted the Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging (INFJ) personality style, which belongs to only
one percent of the world’s population. No wonder I didn’t fit in! I had a personality style that
didn’t match society’s standards or expectations. This doesn’t mean I am essentially different
from anyone else, we all share the same essence, however, each person is unique in his or her
own way.

True Love

One day in Shenzhen, China, I met a woman in a lounge bar and we started talking. Her name
was Grace Park. I asked for her phone number and we decided to meet the following week for
coffee. Initially I was not very interested in her. At the end of our first date, I said, “I have to go,
it’s 22:30, my bedtime.” She replied, “That’s strange… I always say the same thing to people –
that 22:30 is my bedtime!”

We met a second time and stayed up until five in the morning talking. We discovered so many
interests we shared in common and so many things we did the exact same way. Being with Grace
was like being outside of normal, everyday reality. Sometimes we would lie in bed next to each
other for hours without talking, just being in a state of pure bliss. Even so, this relationship was
not easy.

In the beginning, Grace, who was six years older than me often made comments about our age
difference. She was struggling with her own life at that point and her struggles were reflected in
what she said to me. As a result, I was filled with doubt and unsure whether I would be able to
live up to her expectations but our relationship was so special that I knew I would do anything to
keep it. Later I understood that this was Grace’s way of testing me and it didn’t negate our love.
In fact, the friction between us played a major role in my learning acceptance and the ability to
let go.

Grace lived in Hong Kong and I lived across the border in China. Every evening after work I
traveled for an hour and a half to see her – I took a minivan to the bus station, took a bus to the
Hong Kong border and stood in line for customs. Then I spent another hour and a half going
back to China every morning – I took a bus to the China border, lined up for customs, took the
subway and walked for ten minutes before arriving at the office. Nevertheless, our love was so
intense that it became too much too handle and we separated after three months.

Several months after we broke up, I contacted Grace because I needed her help to buy a new suit
and I knew she would help me. We started seeing each other again. Amazing things started to
happen, and I found that I often knew exactly what she was thinking. I knew things about her
that she didn’t even know about herself and I would receive insights about our future. Once
when I was on Christmas holiday in Zimbabwe and Grace was in Europe, I texted her, saying
that I was listening to an amazing song that I wanted to share with her. I loved it so much that I
had been listening to it for days. She responded by email, saying she had heard the same song on
the radio in Europe and that she also had listened to it for days. We were both listening to “Over
the Rainbow” by Judy Garland!

When we were apart, we both felt sad and unhappy. When we were together, we both felt
fulfilled and wonderful. Ultimately, our love brought us back together permanently. Grace is the
true love of my life and she feels the same about me. Having true love in my life marked a huge
shift in my consciousness and experience of life and the world.

The Universe Provides

I also experienced a shift in consciousness in my work life. By then, I had been working in the
corporate world of freight forwarding in China for two years and earned an impressive salary.
My company wanted to promote me to European sales director which would give me the chance
to go back to Europe and make even more money. I would have a nice apartment, company car
and many other benefits. On the surface all this sounded good. Moreover, Grace had always
wanted to go to the UK, so she was excited about the possibility but when I contemplated the
prospect, it dawned on me that my corporate salary was not what made me happy. If I took the
job I would earn good money but I would have to commit to a stressful job for the next few
years. Did I really want to have more painful experiences? In the end, I told the company I would
take the promotion. My desire for security prevailed, even though in my heart it didn’t feel right.

Between the time I agreed to go and our scheduled departure, my true feelings began to create
trouble. Instead of the smooth relationships I had enjoyed with others in the company, conflicts
started to arise. For example, when I went on holiday I didn’t inform my team members that I
would be away. As you can imagine, this was not appreciated by my boss. My client relations
were affected as well. One client had a problem with a shipment but I was reluctant to visit him,
because though I cared about sales, I didn’t care about that shipment. It became obvious to my
colleagues and my boss that my heart was not involved in the work I was doing. This was so
noticeable that one Friday afternoon, the company decided to fire me. It was 29th July, 2008, two
months before the financial crisis hit the world economy.

Being fired came as a shock. I didn’t think that something like that could happen to me. On the
other hand, strangely enough, I felt a sense of freedom. For years I had wanted to leave the
industry but I had been unable to do it on my own. Now, beyond my individual control, the
greater power of the universe was helping me move forward.

I remember sitting down on the beach and wondering what to do next. Grace was angry with me
for getting fired. According to her philosophy, a man should be able to support a woman
regardless of whether she had a well-paying job. I told her I was interested in professional
coaching and personal development. She said I would never find a job in that industry because I
had no relevant experience. Still, I felt I owed it to myself to give it a try because I knew in my
heart that was what I wanted.

After two months of relentless job searching in Hong Kong, China, Belgium and the UK, I ended
up with nothing. I decided to book a flight to the UK and find a job there. Since Grace wanted to
live there and I wanted to make her happy, I figured this decision would be positive for our
relationship. The day before I planned to book the flight, Grace left for a business trip to India.
As we were parting, I suddenly heard a voice in my head saying “Shanghai.” I told Grace I was
hearing the voice of my intuition and couldn’t ignore it. I felt I was supposed to find work in
Shanghai. This struck me as crazy because I had already made plans to go to the UK. Still, the
message had a gently persuasive quality and I felt compelled to follow it.

The next day, a coaching company I had contacted in Shanghai asked me to come in for an
interview. Immediately, I booked a flight to Shanghai and went for the interview. The managing
director said they loved me as a person but couldn't hire me because they had just filled the
position. In an instant, my hopeful excitement turned to disappointment. I flew back to Hong
Kong that Friday, trying to understand what had happened. The voice had clearly told me
Shanghai and I had followed it. Yet I had returned empty handed. Again, I thought I must be
crazy.

The following Monday, I called a coaching company in Hong Kong and introduced myself. To
my amazement, they said they already knew who I was. As it turned out, the Shanghai firm had
been so impressed with me that they forwarded my CV to this company in Hong Kong over the
weekend. I just so happened to call that same company for a job on Monday! I went for the
interview with the managing director right away and found out that the position was in Shanghai!
Once again, the universe had provided. I signed the contract immediately.

Grace made a tough decision. She left her high-paying job in Hong Kong to live with me on a
combined monthly income of $1,250 USD. This meant a decrease of almost 90 percent in our
income. We tried to keep our expenses down but our monthly expenses were still double our
combined incomes. Moreover, due to the financial downturn, companies had cut their training
budget so I was paid on a commission basis. I was calling clients from 9 am to 6 pm, trying to
drum up business and survive. In spite of all these challenges, we felt that we had made the right
decision.

Rationally speaking, you could say we were fools but we were happy together and we trusted
each other. That was what mattered most. Grace was happy to be away from a stressful corporate
environment and I was happy to be working in my new career. With hindsight, I feel the universe
was supporting us for doing the right thing. We had taken a huge risk and it had been worth it in
every way.

Awakening

During this time, I became interested in the deeper meaning of life and spirituality. I read one of
Joseph Campbell’s books about the hero’s journey 6 which exactly described the process of my
life. I also read The Alchemist, by Paolo Coelho 7, and found that the story reflected my
experience. These books had been written before I was born and yet they spoke about my life. As
I delved deeper into spiritual teachings, I realised that everything I had been doing was on track –
there was a reason for everything.
My belief system and awareness of the world around me had changed drastically in only a few
years. Much of this happened spontaneously, without my conscious intention. Yet the shift was
profound and undeniable. I had developed the awareness that there is more to life than what we
can see. There is something beyond knowledge and the physical world as we know it. I was
experiencing things that couldn’t be explained rationally. At the time, all I could say was that
what was previously dark was now light.

Later I appreciated that my negative thoughts and view of the world had turned into positive
thoughts and emotions. I realised the world was a good place and I started to enjoy living in it. I
experienced the inner joy of being on my path and knowing my purpose. I learned to accept
myself and embrace who I truly am. I started to believe in the good in other people and began
building loving relationships with myself, friends, colleagues and customers. I enjoyed my work,
found happiness and being with Grace with love was like being in heaven.

This book was first conceived in a vision in which the idea came to me of writing a life manual
that people could pick up at a young age and learn about their journey in life. It would include a
model with which they could see their life journey visually. In fact, I had already begun to
develop that model based on my own experiences. At a certain point in the writing process, I
became stuck. Some elements of the model were missing and I couldn’t complete it.

A year later, I had a transforming experience. One morning, I woke up in my apartment and
suddenly received a state of total and all-encompassing bliss. It was so intense and
overwhelming that I couldn’t do anything except walk over to my couch and sit down. I could
only be in that bliss state. I felt as though I existed outside the mundane world, in an internal
realm that was unimaginably wonderful and perfect. I could sense a great energy surrounding me.
I couldn’t see it with my physical eyes but I could feel it. And with it came the feeling of
wholeness, completeness. Nothing needed to be added and nothing could be taken away.

There had been no indication beforehand that this would happen; I didn’t search for this
experience. From the limited research I had done up to that point, I didn’t even know these kind
of experiences existed.

It’s hard for the mind to understand this experience or to put it into words. You could say it was
like living my life for twenty-seven years as a single drop of water and then suddenly that drop
falling in and merging with an entire ocean. The drop had been capable of feeling moments of
intense happiness but nothing compared to the limitless bliss awash in the ocean.

After that, I did additional research. I investigated the ancient wisdom of the world’s various
religious and spiritual traditions. As I looked on the Internet, read more books and listened to
audiotapes about spirituality and the deeper meaning of life, I understood that what I had
experienced was a spiritual awakening; as had been described in different ways by all these
traditions. The intensity of my experience did not last and eventually I was able to resume my
normal activities but its essence has stayed with me. From that moment on, I have been in touch
with my true self. I understand how the Buddha felt because I have experienced it. Because of
this awakening, I was able to complete the model and finish this book. The awakening was the
final missing piece and it happened exactly when it needed to happen.

You can have it too

You may be wondering, “Can I also change my life in this way? Can my life really be as perfect
as I want it to be?” You may wonder if you also can have an awakening moment, find your love
and live in total happiness.

The answer is yes. I fully believe that what I have experienced is equally possible for you and
why not? In all the ways that matter, you and I are not different. If you are able to trust your
heart, you too will see that life always brings you exactly what you need when you need it. All
you need to do is follow your heart and all will be given. Even if you have to make tough
choices, things will work out just fine. In fact, the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

In this book, I explain what you can do today to make your life more meaningful. I explain how
you can take the first step on your journey of life. I guide you through the process of turning
unhappiness into happiness and negative emotions into positive emotions. I show you how to
find your true purpose and give you an understanding about how the journey of life works. I do
all of this in a practical way. Most of us have daily jobs and a family to take care of. Therefore,
this book is intended to bridge the Gap between the external world we live in and our internal
world, which is filled with meaning and purpose. As I see it, the search for deeper meaning in
life is not only for spiritual seekers or teachers. It is for you and me, children and parents,
business people and everyone around us. Just as the Buddha and other spiritual masters followed
their highest destiny, it is up to each of us to embrace the transformation that is available to us
now.

From the day you are born until the day you die, you live your life. You do this whether you
want to or not but beyond that you have a choice. You can either move through life feeling
empty inside, lost and wondering which direction to choose or you can embark on your life as a
journey. The journey of life is about finding what you are born to do. Because your destination is
different from that of each other individual, I will not be able to tell you what your destination is,
however, each journey has similar patterns and these patterns are explained in this book. Don’t
read this book for intellectual understanding, let it be an experience for you; let it create an
awareness of your journey of life.

Let’s look now at a model that depicts this journey.

 3. THE LIFE JOURNEY MODEL

The Life Journey Model is a visual representation of the journey you take throughout life, from
birth to death. Its purpose is to offer fresh insight into age-old wisdom by giving shape to
humanity’s common experiences on the journey of life in a visual way. It is presented here as a
tool for you to use during your journey.

The model can help you identify where you are in your life today and where you would like to be.
One man, a successful entrepreneur in his forties, told me he that he found the model served as a
“roadmap” for life, something he had searched for over many years. You can use the model to
help you clarify how life works, including the various obstacles and challenges you may face and
the different steps you can take to start walking more consciously on your internal journey. It can
help you to bridge the Gap you may feel between the spiritual world and your everyday reality.

Origins of the Model

I drew upon my own life experiences when I developed this model. Having such a model would
have helped me understand the journey of life as it began to unfold. My journey caused me so
much pain, suffering and unhappiness that I wanted to find a way to save others from the
confusion I went through, therefore, I spent years trying to develop a model that could give
others greater awareness as they walk their journey. I based this model on my experience and on
a wide range of religious and spiritual teachings from throughout history, which I carefully
researched while I was seeking to understand my own experiences.

The world’s religious and mystical traditions have led people on the journey of life since the
beginning of time. In Christianity, in one of the four gospels, John says that Jesus came so that
“those who believed in him would have eternal life.” In other words, they would have access to
the inner world, where they would find lasting happiness. Buddhism teaches that one can reduce
or end suffering. The end of suffering is equated with enlightenment, which is described a state
of being beyond the duality of happiness and unhappiness. The Buddha spoke about letting go of
desires and living a peaceful and happy life. In Taoism, the Chinese word tao means path or way.
The Tao is not different from what I call the journey of life. It refers to the flow of the universe,
which keeps everything balanced and ordered. As described in the Tao Te Ching, Taoists believe
in following the Tao and living a simple life in balance with the divine and nature.

Even modern writers have explained the journey of life. For example, the Swiss psychiatrist Carl
Jung revolutionised his field by introducing two main concepts: the collective unconscious which
suggests that we are not all separate individuals and synchronicity, which suggests that we can’t
understand everything in life through the mind alone. According to Jung, on the course of your
life journey meant “your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart.” He
further advised that those who looked to the external world lived life as if in a dream and only
those who were able to look within would awaken.
Joseph Campbell, the American mythologist whose ideas relied heavily on the theories of Jung,
wrote about the journey of the hero in The Hero with a Thousand Faces 8. On this journey, the
hero – who can be anyone among us – conquers challenges, meets his love and finds his purpose.

The psychiatrist M. Scott Peck wrote The Road Less Traveled, which became a bestseller in the
1980s, to describe his vision of spiritual evolution. He famously said of the journey of life that
“greater awareness comes slowly, piece by piece…. The path of spiritual growth is a path of
lifelong learning…. The experience of spiritual power is basically a joyful one.” 9

Novelist Paulo Coelho wrote in The Alchemist 10 about a boy who left his home and went to
Egypt. There, he conquered many challenges, listened to the universal teachings, found love and
returned home a rich man. This novel explains what religions teach but does so through story and
metaphor.

My purpose was to pinpoint the central message of the world’s religious teachings, ancient
traditions, schools of spiritual wisdom and modern self-development theories, and to combine
them into one model. It is important to me that this model not be identified with any particular
belief system, religious group or culture. Rather, I want it to be relevant to individuals from all
walks of life and from different countries, cultures and philosophical or religious persuasions.
My intention was to create something that anyone on this planet can relate to and apply in daily
life because it speaks to the core of our true being.

Overview of the Model

When we hear these universal truths, whether through religious teachings or novels, the
important question is: “How does this apply to me?” This may not seem obvious because these
truths are mysterious in nature. They are spiritual or mystical and often they are formulated in
ways that seem obscure or incomprehensible. We have busy jobs and families to take care of but
we don’t have time to sort all these things out; or so we tend to feel.

The Life Journey Model (Figure 1) is designed to help you to understand what cannot otherwise
be easily understood. The Model reveals the mystery that is our lives and shows you how to
bridge the Gap between the external world, our current reality, the world that is on show and
your internal world, your true self. It represents the path by which you can do what matters to
you and can discover the answers to your most fundamental life questions. Central to the model
is the duality between our external and internal worlds and the corresponding external and
internal journeys we can take in life. Each of these paths is represented by an arc in the diagram
(see Figure 1). The trajectories of these arcs correspond to our progression through the various
stages of childhood, adolescence and adulthood. The arc of our external journey moves in the
direction of the ego, that is, toward the personality and the sense of the self that we out forward
to the external world. The arc of the internal journey moves in the direction of the spirit or who
we are in our innermost being—our inner self. The ego is characterised by the experience of
separation from others, the world and even our own self. The spirit is characterised by the
experience of oneness and the sense of being complete and whole within ourselves.

Download a copy of the model at http://www.rafadamscompany.com/the-model/

Figure 1. The Life Journey Model

The external and internal worlds are diametrically opposed. For example, everything in the
external world is subject to change; it can be finished or ended, such as a job or a relationship
that you have for a period of time and then it is over. The core of your internal world, on the
other hand, is eternal. When you achieve something in your internal world, it will always be
there for you. If you find true happiness within yourself, no one will be able to take it away from
you. In fact, this is how you know whether you have found true happiness. If someone says
something and you lose your happiness, then that feeling was part of your changing external
world but if the happiness remains no matter what anyone says or does, then you know it comes
from the core of your internal world and it is eternal.

We deal with the external world primarily through our mind, beliefs and fears, while constantly
attempting to shield our ego. In the internal world, we learn to rely on intuition and surrender. By
surrender I mean simply allowing things to happen without putting up resistance; going with the
flow, rather than forcing our own agenda. When you surrender in this manner and don’t limit
yourself to what you already know, you open yourself to more and to greater possibilities. It is
through those unanticipated possibilities and the many unexpected opportunities that come your
way that you will be able to discover your truest and most fulfilling life journey.
The external world brings us the experience of rejection, while the internal world generates
acceptance. This is because the external world increases stress, while the internal world has the
power to reduce it. We experience this all the time in small ways, though often we aren’t aware
of it. For example, suppose something unpleasant happens at work. You naturally tense up from
the stress and do your best to escape (i.e. reject) what is happening. Even if you feel you can’t
escape the actual situation, you may sit down for a few minutes and close your eyes and turn to
your inner world. If during those moments you don’t dwell on negative thoughts about the
situation or about some other situation but instead truly focus on your inner world, the stress will
lessen. You relax because you are in the present moment, not thinking about what happened ten
minutes earlier or what will happen when you return to work. In this state of peace, it is easier to
accept what is happening and respond to it from a place of inner calm.

When we live in the external world, we are oriented toward the past and the future, which tends
to entrap us in a vicious cycle. When we live in the internal world, we are focused on the present
moment. That moment is eternal and when we live in it, we can experience immortality.

In general, the Life Journey Model associates negative experiences with the external world and
positive experiences with the internal world. However, there are some important caveats to this
association. For example, the external world brings us many pleasures and excitements, however,
these positive feelings depend on the changing circumstances of the external world and therefore
never last. Both the external and internal worlds have their challenges. We tend to meet the
challenges of the external world through a screen of fear and self-interest, which only leads to
further pain and suffering. Among the challenges of the internal world are uncertainty and
doubts. If we handle these through surrender and by following our intuition, they can turn into
assets. When we accept that we can’t and don’t know what is going to happen, we open
ourselves to flowing with the possibility of all things.

At any point during life, we can move from the external journey to the internal journey. Often, an
accident, burnout or other crisis occurring in the external world serves as the catalyst for this
shift to occur. Through a process of awareness and healing, we are able to move from external to
internal, from separation to oneness. The model shows the two arcs growing farther apart
because people always choose one arc. Most people choose to walk the external journey and
when the do, they forget to nurture their heart. As a result the Gap between their ego and their
spirit increases as time passes. Those people who listen to their heart and choose to follow their
intuition decrease the Gap. For them, the experience of a life based solely on ego becomes
increasingly distant.

The reason the arc of spirit is shown curving downward is that the journey of spirit is invisible to
the physical eye. You can think of the timeline as the surface of the ocean and the spirit as the
iceberg below the surface— even though it cannot be seen, it is massive. The ego arc is above
the surface because it exists in the world we can see, our current reality.

Keep in mind that although the model shows the external and internal worlds as opposites and
oneness as the property of the internal world only, when we fully embrace the internal journey
these distinctions dissolve. In the state of oneness, instead of two arcs, the external and internal
worlds are seen as integral parts of one whole.
The Model describes your life

You should view this model as dynamic and alive. Every element in it can be experienced in
different ‘time zones’ in your life. For example, even though happiness is shown at one point on
the arc, it can be experienced when you are young, in middle age and as an older adult. Similarly,
unhappiness can be experienced in the beginning, middle or end of your quest in the external
world; again, it all depends on the journey you take. The same is the case for love. True love
can’t be understood on the level of the mind. It can’t be properly explained with words because it
is an experience beyond the realm of the ego. The best I can say is that, in my experience, true
love is an experience of total oneness with another. You both connect in spirit. In the external
world, you can meet hundreds of people over a life time, none of whom are your true love. Fake
love is experienced only by the ego; the ego wants to be with the other person because of what
she or he has, such as money, external beauty, sex or something that fulfils a temporary need.
Fake love is alluring to people because they feel they are incomplete without someone else.

You can use the model to help you to understand your journey in life, the decisions you have
made and to help you to make better decisions. One woman who took my workshop said she felt
she “woke up” when she saw the model. It showed her that she had made the right choice by not
changing companies. Even though the package at another company was better than the one at her
current company, she didn’t make the move. The model made her realise she could have acted
solely on financial incentives but instead she followed her heart and as a result is much happier
today. The model created clarity and awareness for her.

In the coming chapters I shall define the external and internal worlds and describe in detail how
you can negotiate the connection between the two. I discuss each element of the model and show
you how to make the shift from the external to the internal world. I also explain various
principles, such as acceptance/rejection, future/past, unconsciousness, external emptiness,
external wants and needs and the external god we live by in the external world. I show how you
can apply these laws in your internal world to find happiness, meaning, love, purpose and joy.
 4. THE EXTERNAL JOURNEY

The external journey is your journey in the world as you know it. It is the path you follow within
the existing structures and boundaries of the particular society in which you live. You follow this
path based on what you have learned, understood and decided in your mind.

The External World

Depending on which part of the world, and in which culture we were born, each of us carries
within our genetic and psychological programming a specific set of ideas, beliefs and judgments
about what we should do in life. From an early age, we have specific ideas about what we need
to have in order to find happiness.

Imagine if you were to tie a bird, a dog, a snake, a crocodile and a monkey together with a rope.
Each of these five animals would try to go back to its own home, using its own means. The snake
would slither into the grass, the crocodile would crawl into the water, the bird would fly into the
air, the dog would run to a village and the monkey would climb a tree. However, we can’t forget
one important fact: the crocodile is the strongest one. Therefore, it probably will drag all the rest
with it into the water. Even though each animal has a different way of being in the world, in the
end, they will all follow the same path.

Isn’t this similar to what occurs in the external world today? The pressure of society to follow a
certain life path – to have certain possessions and accomplish certain things – is like a powerful
crocodile, pulling each individual toward the same predetermined goals and achievements. If you
grew up in a family with enough money anywhere in the modern world, you probably were
expected to get a college degree (or several) and find a job with compensation comparable to or
higher than that of your peers. If you didn’t do this, you wouldn’t be called a success. Even if
you broke out of your native environment and lived in a different part of society, you most likely
only exchanged your original path for another established path. Instead of getting a law degree,
for example, you might have set out to become an artist or writer. Yet, even while you were
doing something you loved, a new pressure to succeed may have arisen from the external world.
Perhaps you started to think you had to sell a certain number of books or paintings in order to
really “be someone.” In the external world, you will always find someone who has more than
you or who someone who is more successful than you are.

Now, I don’t mean to say these achievements of external success don’t have their place. They do.
Many such external accomplishments have transformed the world, changing and improving it for
the benefit of many. The key point here is that what has brought others happiness may not
necessarily bring you happiness. The security of a gated community may make one man feel like
a king but the same environment may make another feel like a prisoner.

The main challenge we face in the life journey is to become aware of our own path, so we can
experience happiness, joy, bliss and true love. This can only happen if we are in touch with our
internal world and receive the guidance of our intuition. Yet most of us remain focused on the
external world and rely exclusively on our rational mind. Most people today experience a large
amount of suffering, pain, struggle, resistance and frustration along their journey. They are
unaware that they are following a path that is not their own. They’re even less aware of the
reasons they’re on this path.

Whether we instinctively jump on the crocodile’s back or try to resist, most of us still look to the
external world for direction. We look to anything and everything outside of ourselves for
answers. We read magazines, watch TV, talk to our parents, friends and colleagues. “What do I
need to do to be happy?” we ask. Everyone has a different answer: lose weight, upgrade your car,
get married, take time off from work, don’t get married. This is not surprising because we take
everything in the external world to be real. Reality to our mind is whatever we can see, touch,
smell or taste. But nothing could be further from the truth. In fact we rarely, if ever, stop to
search deep inside ourselves and ask, “What do I really want?” Not what the crocodile is going
to pull us toward but what we ourselves want! Nevertheless, most of us end up striving for
external success, in one form or another, trying to live up to others’ and our own accustomed
expectations. We keep struggling to get somewhere yet when it seems we have finally made
headway, we’re left wanting more. The underlying feeling of not having enough, of emptiness,
still lingers. Most people believe that some day they will arrive, that they will find a place where
everything is settled, happy and at peace. Yet that arriving never happens.

Why do so many of us strive for external success when it ultimately fails to give us the fulfilment
we’re seeking? Again, most of us are simply unaware of our choices. It’s as if we’re living on
autopilot. Most of us were conditioned early in life to associate certain outcomes with success.
When we achieve such an outcome, we are praised. That praise only spurs us to want more
recognition. First you start walking and your parents cheer you on. Then you win a race at the
national running contest at school and win a prize. Then you get your diploma and receive more
praise. Then you are promoted at work and are celebrated by your co-workers. Then you want to
receive praise again and again; somehow you always feel you need more, and that feeling of
wanting never ends. Thus, from an early age on, although we’re not aware of it, most of us begin
looking for external success. We think fame, money, power and status will bring us a state of
freedom, happiness, peace and calmness.

On the external journey, as people grow used to experiencing the ‘high’ that comes from
recognition and power, they direct their focus toward bigger and grander goals. They assume that
these goals are their true life goals. Yet often these people are in for a rude awakening. We see
this, for example, in business people who have achieved many external successes. Others see
these people as “having everything” and expect them to be happy. However, the truth is that
many feel empty inside. They have forgotten or even consciously repressed the inner feeling of
the here and now, that is, they are out of touch with what is happening in the present moment,
right where they are, independent of past success or future goals.

In today’s society, we have been trained to accept strong feelings of stress, pain, anxiety,
discomfort and unhappiness in the now, in exchange for the expectation of what the future will
bring. More and more people in the West take medications for depression, anxiety and other
psychological disorders to cover up these feelings, rather than address the root of the problem.
The root of all of these problems is a disconnection with one’s inner self.

Over the past decade, researchers have reported that 50 percent of our happiness is determined
by personality traits and genetics and the other 50 percent by external factors, such as
relationships, health and careers. They refer to the hereditary component as our “happiness set
point,” implying that we aren’t likely to achieve the level of happiness we might want. Not all
researchers are quite so pessimistic. In The How of Happiness, University of California
psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky 11 concluded that even considering the happiness set point, at
least 40 percent of our happiness is within our control. However, few of those attempting a
scientific study of happiness take into consideration its true source: the inner self. The inner self
is not influenced by genetics or by circumstances. As long as we focus on the external world, we
will never have 100 percent control over our own happiness.

If we remain deeply unaware and repress our true inner desires in order to follow a path laid out
for us externally, our journey will be full of struggle and discomfort. The source of this struggle
is underlying conflict within one’s self – wanting to be somewhere or do something in a place
and time other than the here and now. But because we are unaware, we blame the struggle on
other people or elements of the external world. Instead of feeling synergy (connection or
alignment) within ourselves, we may accuse others of depriving us or standing in our way. This
only serves to perpetuate the struggle, as we try harder to satisfy the desires that continually
elude us.

The attachment we feel to the external world is extremely powerful and difficult to break away
from once we’ve mentally identified ourselves with our goals and desires. When I was in the
freight forwarding business, I mentally bought into the goals for success defined by that world.
Every day was a struggle because I wasn’t listening to my inner self. All I could hear was the
voice of my ego.

The Ego

The ego is the aspect of us that identifies with our bodily form, possessions and personality. It is
who we think we are. It is the label we put on ourselves. For example, it is the ego that says: “I
am a man,” “I am a woman,” “I am a good person,” “I am bad person” and so on.

The ego serves an important function in life. It is through the ego that we express our
differences, individuality and uniqueness in the world. Although the word ego often carries a
negative connotation, truly speaking the ego is neither good nor bad; it is simply a human
being’s way of identifying himself or herself in the external world. Just as we are conditioned to
think a certain way about what we should do and how we should live in the external world, we
also develop an identity from an early age, usually corresponding to our genetic makeup and
environmental upbringing. A person learns to identify himself or herself as “I,” which is separate
from “you.” This concept of the self exists at both the individual (e.g. “I am Johann, a 40 year
old mechanical engineer”) and the collective level, e.g. “I am German”.
In order to understand and strengthen the concept of “I”, it is necessary to find and to focus on
differences between “I” and “you”. A child might say, “I have this toy and this outfit and you
don’t”, thus, indicating their separateness In society today, children are commonly taught to
think about themselves and others according to a perspective that emphasizes differences: “I am
Robbie, 12 years old. I live in the city of Chicago, in the United States. My skin is white and I
ride a red bike. You are Jenny, eight-years-old, your skin is black and you play netball.” We
believe that we are different, that we are separate people. We learn to see ourselves as separate
people based on our external differences as defined by our egos.

Because our ego or identification in the external world is born out of differences, the ego always
needs a concept of “other” in order to thrive. To strengthen this mind-born sense of identity, the
ego tends to judge itself in comparison with others: “I have this and you don’t; I am this and you
are not; I have more and you have less; I am better and you are worse.” One’s ego can grow
when one gains success, money and fame. Alternatively, one’s ego can grow if one has less
money, yet harbours a feeling of superiority over others.

Rich or poor, it is possible for anyone to have a big ego. This simply means one has a strong
attachment to one’s superficial image, belongings and external makeup and derives one’s sense
of identity from these things. The ego need not be positive in order to be strong. An ego can arise
in many shapes and forms including a negative, victimised sense of self in which one believes
one is inferior to others. Qualities such as shyness, self-consciousness and feeling unworthy are
among the many faces of the ego. The common denominator for all types of ego is a feeling of
being different and separate from others.

The mental construct of the ego is necessary for us to exist as a unique individual personality in
the sensory world. Yet many people today have become so consumed with this outer identity that
they’ve completely forgotten about their internal nature. They are out of touch with the “being”
within themselves; the aspect of themselves that existed even before they were born and that is
without conditioned behaviour or beliefs. They are functioning from an egotistical stance.
Psychologist Sandy Gluckman 12, author of Who’s in the Driver’s Seat: Using Spirit to Lead
Successfully, reports that as many as 63 percent of business people estimate that egotistical
behaviour negatively affects work performance on a regular basis; more than half estimate it cuts
company profit by as much as 15 percent.

When someone says: “That person is egotistical”, it means the person in question is
disconnected, unaware and cares little about others and their feelings (and perhaps about how
they themselves feel on a deeper level), while constantly searching for things on the outside to
feed his or her ego. The more people identify with things outside of themselves, the more
disconnected they feel from their inner selves (Figure 2). If they derive their sense of identity
from their car, their house, their designer bag or their body, does it come as a surprise that they
experience so much anxiety and fear? These things in the external world are temporary and can
change in a heartbeat. No wonder people feel afraid that they may lose their possessions, that
these things could change or be taken from them or that they (and thus their sense of self) could
be lost.

What would they be without them?

Figure 2. Identification with Ego

Separation

In the Life Journey Model (Figure 1) you will find separation on the top left side. It is an
experience that belongs to the external world. Because people are conditioned by society to think
of themselves in terms of differences, they begin to feel deeply disconnected from others and
themselves. A strong sense of separation between “I” and “you” and between “me” and “the
world,” leads people to feel inner emptiness or even fear of others and the outside world.

If you are born in the Middle East, your parents may follow the Islamic tradition and teach you
in early childhood how to act as a Muslim. If you are born in Europe, your parents may follow
the Judeo-Christian tradition and educate you in the corresponding belief system. If you are born
in Tibet, your upbringing is likely to predispose you to follow Buddhism. All these respective
teachings are based on where the individual was born. However, at birth we are all the same. The
knowledge that we are different and separate is based on the beliefs, culture and traditions of the
external world into which we are born and is given to us after birth.

In the external world, our differences are apparent in our physical appearance, behaviour,
background, education and many other aspects, yet these variations are mostly learned; they are
superficial differences based on our external journey and ego identification. While these
differences obviously do exist, we tend to forget that we were all born naked and vulnerable into
this world and that we ultimately all return to dust and to the same source. Throughout our life
journey, if we look deep within ourselves we will find we have many of the same inherent values
and desires in common: happiness, joy, love, companionship, fulfilment.

Yet, in our daily lives most of us experience more feelings of separation than of sameness with
others and the world around us. At work, we see our colleagues as different and separate; we say,
“He is a sales manager. She is an accountant. He is a CEO”. Most of the time, we find ourselves
playing a role, being someone who is not aligned in our lives with who we really are on the
inside. In effect, we feel separated from the people around us because our ego identity creates a
barrier between us and the world. The ego is constantly fed by conflict and problems and the
sense of not having enough, thus, the more you identify with your ego and the external world, the
more separation you feel between you and others and ultimately from yourself. It is possible to
reconnect with others and the world around you. In the subsequent chapters, I will guide you
through the journey of rediscovering this connection and becoming whole again.

Wants and Needs to satisfy externally

The common mode of thinking in the modern world is still intimately identified with the ego.
Because all things external have an expiration date, the ego is in constant search for its next fix.
This can be a physical belonging, such as a car or pair of shoes or it can be non-physical, such as
winning an argument to prove oneself right or better than another. We all know from personal
experience that the good feelings that follow such a supposed gain only last temporarily – in
some cases, a mere instant – before we begin looking for something else we think will make us
happy. For example, think about the last physical object you purchased. Perhaps it was a bag, a
piece of furniture or an electronics item. You probably felt an initial good feeling or excitement
when you bought it, but how long did that good feeling last? How long was it before you began
thinking of your next purchase? Or think about the last time you were praised or recognised for
an accomplishment. You probably felt great about yourself – or at least about your ego identity,
for example: “I am an outstanding employee.” One area of your identity was strengthened and
you felt good about that but undoubtedly the feeling did not deeply penetrate other areas of your
life or last for long.

Again, the point is not to say that egoic wanting is good or bad. What we need to realise is that it
inevitably results in a feeling of insufficiency when the ego realises it has not been fully satisfied
by the external thing or response. It is a truism that money doesn’t make you happy. Researchers
have even proven this. In one well-known study conducted in 1978 13, psychologists compared a
group of people who had won the Illinois state lottery and received up to a million dollars with a
second group who were victims paralysed in horrible accidents. They also included a third group,
selected at random from the phone book. The researchers interviewed all their subjects and found
the lottery winners were not happier than the members of the other groups; in fact, the winners
took less pleasure in routine daily activities than did the other groups. Interpreting these findings,
Harvard University psychologist Daniel Gilbert 14 said people consistently misjudge the extent of
pleasure they will experience when their egoic wants are satisfied.
Advertising relies on the insistent demands of egoic wanting. Many commercials claim that
when we have acquired x, y or z we will be happy or feel better. Though that might be true, the
happiness or better feeling is only temporary. Our drive to consume things in the external world
has been conditioned so effectively that our behaviour as a consumer has become completely
unconscious. Most of us don’t stop to question for what purpose we need something or what it
really will give us. Of course, this is not our fault; it’s just how we have been raised. We fully
believe that more is better and that when we get what we think we want, we shall be satisfied and
fulfilled. Yet in the end, our satisfaction always turns out to be only temporary.

Figure 3. External Wants and Needs

The cycle of pleasure and pain

So why does the external journey ultimately turn out to be unfulfilling?

The answer lies in the temporary nature of the external world. When we attach our happiness to
something in the external world and the external world changes, our happiness changes too.
Although we might have thought it would last, it doesn’t last. It is simply replaced by a new
desire for something else we think will make us happy. This results in an endless cycle of
happiness and unhappiness, as we strive to find a way to sustain our fleeting moments of
happiness. This kind of happiness differs significantly from true happiness. For example, when I
was working in Shenzhen, China, I would feel happy when I got a new client or made a sale. I
would go home that evening feeling relaxed. However, my happiness inevitably faded when the
newness of the success had passed or if a new problem arose. In comparison, the true happiness I
felt after awakening was deep and unshakeable.

When we feel fleeting happiness, what we experience is merely a rush of excitement; it is

actually a sensation of pleasure. Pleasure is only a temporary reaction to our surroundings; it
should not be mistaken for true happiness. I don’t mean to imply that pleasure is a bad thing;
pleasure is fine if it can be experienced along with true happiness. If you become whole as a
person and then add the experience of pleasure, you will still happy once the pleasure is over.
For example, suppose I am content within myself and I eat an ice cream cone, I will enjoy the ice
cream while it lasts and when it is gone, I will still be equally content within myself.

You may have been advised to remind yourself about happiness by reading books or by
repeating positive affirmations about what you appreciate in your life. These techniques can
uplift you and generate feelings of happiness. However, once again, they are only temporary
solutions. A few hours after you repeat an affirmation, chances are the happiness it induced has
faded. You will be caught in a cycle of needing to continually repeat and refresh the affirmation
in order to sustain happiness. Any happiness that you must make an effort to achieve is not true
happiness.

Most of us are familiar with the ups and downs that come with the cycle of pleasure and pain.
For example, the pleasure derived from drinking alcohol or taking drugs one day turns to an
equivalent sensation of pain the next. The extreme ‘high’ experienced while completely
infatuated and consumed by another person can quickly turn to loathsome anger when he or she
is no longer there to give you that feeling. Thrill seekers engage in dangerous acts to experience
pleasure and participants often admit these activities to be addictive, causing them to continually
seek the next ‘high’ or chase after the ‘rush’.

The more you feel compelled to seek temporary pleasure on the outside, the more likely you are
to experience pain. Of course, you may be able to enjoy any specific pleasure without needing to
repeat it – it is possible to enjoy one ice cream cone without needing to rush out and buy another
or to go skydiving without needing to do it again. However, when you come to the point of
realising that what you are really seeking can’t be found in all of these external things, it is
common to experience deep unhappiness. This happens to many people when they reach midlife
and realise that what they have been pursuing was not their true destination.

Now what?

If you are reading this, it is likely you have started to become aware that you want something
more fulfilling than the temporary happiness the external world has to offer. This realisation in
and of itself is the first step toward discovering lasting happiness.

In the following chapter we shall examine in greater detail where deep feelings of unhappiness
and emptiness come from and how to begin to transform them into happiness, fulfilment and joy.
 5. THE GAP

The Gap can be considered the most important part of the Life Journey Model. You can see the
Gap between the external and internal worlds in the Life Journey Model (Figure 1). On the one
hand, it reveals the source of our greatest pain and suffering, on the other hand, bridging the Gap
is what allows us to escape from that suffering and achieve lasting happiness. In this chapter, I
discuss four ways in which you can bridge the Gap and find true happiness.

How is the Gap is created and how can we decrease or bridge that Gap?

External Focus = Emptiness

External success, identification with the egoic self, the need and desire to have things, the search
for pleasure – all these aspects of the external journey drive our focus onto things in the external
world. When our focus is placed only on the external world, we become increasingly removed
from our true selves, our inner feeling, our true desires, our spirit and our purpose in life. For
example, you may be so consumed with the intent to have a certain job or buy a certain car that
the journey to get there becomes simply a means to an end. You feel you must get what you want
at any cost, including high stress from working extreme hours and giving up all your free time.
In turn, what you feel in your heart, your true inner desire, is ignored or pushed aside in
exchange for the promise of a future outcome in the external world. Your happiness then
becomes dependent on that future outcome – whether it is a job promotion, money or a physical
object such as a car or house.

This focus on the external creates a Gap between our inner self (also referred to as true self,
higher self or Self) and the part of us that longs for and feels it cannot live without an increasing
number of possessions and accomplishments. It is essentially a Gap between our external and
internal worlds. I’m not saying that it is bad to be successful or have a lot of money. This is fine
if it results not from trying to feed a hungry ego but rather from following your true purpose. If
you find your true purpose first – what you love to do, what you are born to do – and then make
money out of your purpose, no Gap will be created between your self and the ego.

The first diagram (Figure 4) shows how a Gap is created when we focus on, for example, a car
we feel we need to have, independent of our true purpose.
Figure 4. Creation of the Gap

We experience this Gap as painful, as a feeling of emptiness or deep dissatisfaction. It is as

though we’re living in a void, an empty space, a place of not enough. However, we may not pay
too much attention to it because we assume we can close the Gap simply by getting the external
objects we crave. We think happiness is just over the horizon, just around the corner and we’ll
achieve it sooner or later.

The second diagram (Figure 5) is an aerial view that illustrates the relationship between our
internal and external worlds. The outer line represents our ego identity. We tend to live on that
outer ring, with our attention directed continually outward. At the centre of the diagram is our
inner self. Instead of allowing our spirit to be expanded so it can reach out and integrate with the
external world, we let it be a small constricted nucleus within. We may even be completely
unaware of its existence on a moment-to-moment basis.

In Figure 5, the distance between the ego and spirit is shown by a large field, which is like a no-
man’s zone between our external and internal worlds. This is the Gap and it is filled with
emptiness and unhappiness. This pain comes from our inability to bridge the Gap and to realise
the true source of what we are seeking.

The way we are brought up predisposes us to experience the Gap. Small children are often happy
and carefree because they haven’t been told yet what they can’t do in life but, before long, their
parents teach them to put their trust in the external world, starting at home. Few parents teach
their children to look within themselves. As a result, we grow up following the rules we have
been given and close ourselves off in a box defined by fear or other negative tendencies of the
ego. This is our world as we know it today. We live inside a box without true freedom of
expression while our focus lies in the external but what we actually yearn for is internal.

The Gap is subject to the laws of acceptance and rejection. Let’s look at each of these.
Figure 5. Relationship between our Internal and External Worlds

The Law of Rejection

The law of rejection may be expressed like this: whenever we reject something, whether it is an
external situation or an internal feeling, a negative past emotion or state, we increase the Gap
between the spirit and the ego, the heart and the mind. Rejection is the foundation for
unhappiness. Whenever we reject or resist our current situation, we experience more pain and
suffering. Many undesirable and unforeseen events happen in our life. Because most humans are
creatures of habit and comfort it is natural to resist and reject these changes. However, such
events often are messages from the universe to let us know that a change is needed. Yet we fear
change and so we reject it. As a result, we maintain or even increase the Gap within us.

The Gap is never closed and we continue to feel unhappy and unfulfilled. As we move along in
the life journey, we have an internal drive to learn, evolve and change. Yet our mind has become
identified with the status quo and thus we fear losing what we have (Figure 6). For example, if
you lose your job, you naturally feel pain and frustration because your external or ego identity is
in question. You fear that you are somehow less and no longer whole. If you reject this change
and think, “I don’t want this to be happening,” you will probably feel even more upset and
frustrated. In fact, your focus on the undesired external situation increases and actually reinforces
the Gap between you and the situation.

Rejection can result if you have negative past emotions that were never resolved. For example,
the loss of a person who passed away, a divorce from which you never recovered or a former
colleague with whom you are still angry. Any negative event you hold on to resides within the
Gap. In my case, this happened when I was unable to forgive my father for leaving me during my
teenage years and when I stayed angry at my former boss for firing me. Rejection also happens
on the level of personal identity. For example, when someone says something bad or negative
about you, you have an automatic response. You may fire back verbally or defend yourself in
some other way. You do this because you think you will be and feel less if you don’t. You are
uncomfortable with what the person has said but even more uncomfortable with the idea of not
responding. In this way, you keep your Gap around you.

The more you resist the messages that come to you from the external world, the larger the Gap
you will experience and the more emptiness you will create. Many so-called negative people
only make their already large egos even bigger by resisting all that is happening to them and
continually complaining about it. They become a so-called victim. We like to think we have
control over ourselves and the situations in our life. This makes us feel good, stable and powerful.
We may feel a sense of security and safety but we don’t really have the degree of control we
think we have. We resist and we reject in an effort to gain and maintain control but our efforts
are in vain.

Figure 6. External World Rejection

The Law of Acceptance

The law of acceptance is: whenever we accept something, whether it is an external situation or
an internal feeling or state – we decrease the Gap (Figure 7).
 a. External events & Communication
• Acceptance – Letting Go (Non-resistance)
• Change your Thoughts
• Wait 2-3 seconds
b. Emotional issues
• Forgive yourself
• Forgive others
c. Nurture your heart
• Follow your intuition
• Find your life purpose

Figure 7. External World Acceptance

In 2010, in Manila, a bus hijacking resulted in the death of seven tourists from Hong Kong and
their tour guide. Surgeons had to rebuild the face of one of the survivors, Yik-Siu-Ling, a young
mother whose jaw was shattered by a bullet. She underwent nine major operations, during which
her lips were stitched together, leaving her with a small mouth and only seven teeth. When asked
about the hijacking, Yik-Siu-Ling said, “Before the incident I was quite self-centred. Now I have
deeper thoughts; I know... there is not just only me.” 15

Yik-Siu-Ling embraced and accepted the horrifying experience and learned to deal with the
changes it forced upon her. She decided not to play the victim but to take control of her own life
and make the best of what she still has. For instance, she initially attended interviews dressed in
black and hiding her face; now she wears floral-printed dresses and is not afraid to smile. Her
acceptance also led her to put into action the feeling that “there is not just only me.” She decided
to work for an AIDS charity and says, “My job is very meaningful as I can offer help.”
Acceptance can be very difficult because we think that if we accept a situation or something
about ourselves, we shall lose our sense of control. We think that we shall become somehow less
because we don’t defend ourselves, but practising acceptance is actually a source of spiritual
strength. As in Yik-Siu-Ling’s case, it can inspire us to be less self-centred and to help others.
Accepting what is happening to you doesn’t mean you should have less self-esteem or that you
should let someone else run over you. It means accepting whatever has happened and then letting
it go. Don’t let it affect you. Initially, that may not be easy to do because your ego is involved
but the more you practise, the easier it will become. Whenever you accept your current situation,
you move closer to your true feeling and inner self. Accepting your current situation as it is
allows you to respond to it more appropriately or take a clearer course of action, without the
interference of negative emotions. As Joseph Campbell said, “We must be willing to get rid of
the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” 16

One man who took my workshop very much wanted to join the US Army as a combat medic,
however, the maximum enlistment age had recently dropped from 42 to 35 and although he
intended to apply for an age waiver, he thought he would most likely be denied based on being
41. He said, “It will be a disappointment if I am denied because of my age but I can accept it and
continue with my life knowing the universe has a plan for me. Being receptive, I know good
things will come. Had I not taken your course, this would have been a major set back for me but
after your weekend workshop, I can accept it and look to the good things in my life.”

Acceptance can be difficult to practise at first because it requires letting go of the fear of the
unknown, the fear of change and the fear of losing ourselves. We feel discomfort because our
ego (identification with the status quo) must adjust to fit the changes we’re experiencing on our
life journey. The more you practise acceptance, the easier it is to allow things to come to you and
to embrace them, rather than reject them.

After my parents divorced, I was angry that my father was not there for me and this frustration
stayed with me for several years. I finally realised that my anger and frustration were holding me
back in several areas of my life, so I wrote him a long email and told him that I forgave him for
not being there for me during my teenage years. I decided to accept what had happened and
move on. As soon as I did this, I felt a sense of relief. A burden that had been resting on my
shoulders for so many years was lifted just by accepting it in my mind. I simply allowed it to be,
rather than playing the victim. My own forgiveness was enough for me, so my father’s reply a
few hours later came as an added bonus. He expressed his joy at hearing from me and invited me
to visit him in Africa, where he was working at that time so we could have a fresh start in our
relationship. I did go to meet him, and we did become closer.

This was one of the many unresolved emotional issues that I was able to solve through the law of
acceptance. I didn’t realise it then but each time I accepted something difficult, I was decreasing
the Gap within myself. My ego was dissolving and eventually it became so limited, that anything
external that occurred in my life no longer affected me. Everything external passed right through
me; I saw it, accepted it and let it go.

Bridging the Gap

How can you move from rejection to acceptance and ultimately close the Gap between your
external and internal worlds?

The first way is by becoming aware of your emotions and reactions. Pay attention on a day-to-
day basis to what makes you feel comfortable or uncomfortable. Some people resist doing this
because they don’t want to acknowledge their discomfort but if you intend to move towards
acceptance, you can’t cordon off one or another part of yourself. You have to look at all of it and
be completely honest with yourself about what you see and feel. When you do start to feel
uncomfortable, your immediate impulse may be to turn away or reject whatever is causing the
pain. Pause. Before your react to the situation, wait two to three seconds. In this time frame,
short as it may be, you can shift your awareness so that you just allow the situation to be. You
don’t try to change it but instead make a conscious effort to accept what is happening. Of course,
you may also decide in the moments that follow to remove yourself from the situation. However,
by simply removing yourself while still mentally resisting or rejecting what has happened does
not count as acceptance.

Try this exercise. Take your shoes off and walk on your bathroom floor or on any cold stone or
tiled flooring. Your first reaction will probably be to reject the feeling of cold on your feet.
Instead of resisting, allow your feet to absorb the cold. See if you suddenly notice a change in
how you feel. Your feet will still feel cold but you may experience less discomfort. You can
practise this easy exercise with anything in your life.

Accepting what happened to you in the past and letting it go, allows you to release yourself from
past experiences or events. For example, if you’ve had an argument with a former boss or friend,
write him or her a letter, accept what happened and let it go. You may or may not want to mail
the letter, it doesn’t matter. Either way, this action will free your mind from the burden of
resistance. When you accept everything that happens around you, you open yourself to more
possibilities along the journey of life. For example, if you write the letter to your friend and fully
accept what happened between you, you open a door to new ways of relating to each other. I’ve
even heard of instances when someone accepted what had happened in a past relationship and
the other person responded by reaching out – even without being told about that change of heart.
The freedom gained from acceptance is so powerful that it can transform all aspects of your life
and the lives of those you love. The more you practise acceptance in your daily life, the more
you can experience complete freedom from the external world. Then, no matter what happens,
your internal state of happiness and joy will no longer be affected.

The second way to bridge the Gap is to change the way you perceive and respond to situations.
When something difficult occurs in your life, for example, the loss of a loved one or frustration
because your boss responded negatively to you, ask yourself the following questions:

• Do the negative things you hang onto serve any purpose for you?
 • Do they help you move forward?
• Do they work in your favour in any way?

If all your answers are no, then start to focus on how you frame the situation in your own mind.
Train your mind to look at it a different way. For example, a lost loved one cannot be returned or
replaced so see what happens if you stop hanging onto your feelings about the loss. In the end,
there is nothing to resist anymore because you simply accept all that is and you let it go. When
you can live at all times by the law of acceptance, you have completely bridged the Gap.

The third way to bridge the Gap is to heal past emotional issues. Often, forgiveness serves as the
key to doing this. To connect from the heart with the other person, you can write a letter to
apologise about what you have done or to ask for forgiveness. For example, if your frustration
leads you to respond to your boss with anger or aloofness, see what happens if you express
forgiveness to him or her.

To heal emotional scars, you can do the empty chair exercise that was made popular by Gestalt
therapist Fritz Perls 17. Sometimes it’s good to have a conversation with yourself. Place an empty
chair in front of you and pretend your imaginary self is sitting there. You can then start talking
with yourself and saying whatever you’d like to say. When I first used this exercise, I told myself,
“I’m sorry for not having listened to you for so many years. I’m sorry for neglecting you. I’m
sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for not trusting you.” After I said those things to myself, I cried
for days but it was a healing cry and my past emotional issues were released. Similarly, if a loved
one has passed away, imagine that person sitting in front of you and tell the person whatever you
feel like saying.

A final way to bridge the Gap is to nurture yourself by listening to your heart and following your
intuition. Once you get in touch with your inner self, you may find yourself torn between your
heart and your mind or your spirit and your ego. These can be very confusing at times,
particularly when you need to make decisions. You may want something in your heart but your
mind may hold you back. In this case, a good technique is to flip a coin. I often use this in my
life to make small as well as big decisions. For example, suppose you want to change your job
but the new job pays less. You choose heads for changing the job and tails for not changing. Flip
the coin in the air and immediately check in your heart whether heads or tails feels right. The key
here is not to think about it but to immediately do what feels right. If you think about it, the mind
and ego will come up with objections and reasons it will not work. Call the coin while it is in the
air or landing on your hand, before you are able to see what face is showing.

You might wonder how I can suggest something as drastic as a coin toss to make major life
decisions. In fact, Judith Orloff, 18 from the University of California in Los Angeles, reported that
research has shown the heart responds faster than the mind and that using our intuitive
intelligence helps us to make better decisions. This is because the heart is who we truly are; it is
in touch with what we really want. Flipping a coin to make decisions may be difficult at first but
the more you practise, the easier it becomes. You can experiment with minor decisions first. For
example, Grace and I flip a coin when we are deciding which restaurant to go to or need to make
other small decisions. Your mind might want to change the result of a particular coin toss
because that decision may not make sense rationally but that doesn’t matter. I encourage you to
stick with the decision anyway. See if you can accept it and open yourself to help from the
universe – in whatever form that help comes.

The good news is that once you start to listen to your inner self, there’s no turning back. The
more your spirit grows, the more you are courageous and follow your heart and the less your ego
will have grounds to resist.

Figure 8. Oneness and Being

As you bridge the Gap and your ego dissolves, you will literally wake up. In Buddhism, this is
called enlightenment or the end of suffering. It isn’t necessarily a dramatic happening, although
sometimes it can be. More often it is a gradual process that can sneak up on you before you
realise what has happened. Once you have awoken, you begin to live from the heart in every
moment (Figure 8). You are able to give freely and to receive and accept changes easily; in life,
in your relationships and at work. There is nothing for you to defend against and so you live at
ease and at peace with yourself.

For me, the paradoxical image of a suited monk captures the essence of what it means to bridge
the Gap. As a suited monk, one is in touch with and flows naturally between the external and
internal worlds – wearing the suit of the business world, yet living the spiritual life of a monk.
For example, you can wear a tough-looking police uniform because that is required by your job
and at the same time remain in touch with your heart. You can wear the apron of a bread baker
and enjoy baking because it is your purpose to make bread for people. In the suit of a CEO, you
can build a business to serve the community through your inner monk. This is the essence of
bridging the Gap. Being a suited monk might sound like a tough juggling act if you haven’t
experienced it but once you bridge the Gap, you will find it becomes effortless.

The universe works in such a way that when you are open to accepting things in life and
allowing them to happen, the right people and situations come into your life. Love naturally and
powerfully flows within your being and you know in your heart that you are completely open
and free. This is the true unchangeable happiness.
 6. DISCOVERING YOUR INNER WORLD

The internal journey is the unfolding of your personal potential and life purpose. It brings into
alignment your inner passion, highest talents and the expression thereof in the external world.
The internal journey is what you are born to do; it involves following your heart and finding your
purpose.

The Internal World

The internal journey can be described as the journey of the hero, as described by mythology
expert Joseph Campbell 19, who outlined what he called the hero’s journey in his timeless model
for personal change. The hero’s journey begins as he awakens from a state of unconsciousness
after his conventional beliefs and ways of thinking have been challenged. The hero looks within
and answers the call to adventure. He embarks on the path into the unknown; this passing of the
threshold marks the beginning of the internal journey.

The hero faces many challenges along the way. Although he may initially reject them as too
difficult, they will reappear in various forms until all have been accepted and dealt with. The
universe provides guidance in the form of helpers, mentors and other resources; however, the
hero must be open and aware enough to recognise and accept these elements as they appear.
With his new knowledge and awareness, the hero undergoes a transformation and reaches a state
in which he is at one with his own self. Finally, he is reborn into the external world and is able to
make a meaningful contribution to others, based on the experience and knowledge he has gained
throughout his journey.

The internal journey is not only for mythical heroes and storybook fantasies. It is a way of living
that leads to a consistent feeling of joy, happiness and inner peace. Every human being has the
right to peace and contentment. Throughout life, we have all experienced similar moments to
those seen in the hero’s journey. Perhaps you’ve had moments of heightened awareness, “a-ha!”
moments, flashes of genius or spiritual insights. Yet how often do you experience these in
regular life?

Living with heightened awareness of yourself and the world is extremely powerful. With a more
finely tuned level of clarity, you can see where your true path lies and thus reap the benefits of
your maximum personal potential. No matter where you stand now, the possibilities that exist for
you are unimaginably higher. The main challenge you face is that the mind easily adapts to its
external surroundings; it likes to settle into its comfort zone and create a structure that is familiar
and predictable. When you reach a new level of clarity or a point of great joy, it’s tempting to
think: “This is it. I’ve finally arrived.” You try to maintain this level of satisfaction by doing the
same thing again and again but much to the surprise of your mind it no longer works; why is
this? The law of diminishing marginal returns exerts itself and the same circumstances do not
give you an equal degree of satisfaction the second, third or fourth time around. I shall discuss all
the challenges you can face on the journey in the next chapter.

Some people consciously search for their inner self or push themselves hard to achieve their
highest potential. Unfortunately, after many attempts, most still haven’t found what they were
seeking. The reason is that your inner self can’t be “found.” It is impossible to find your inner
self because you already are your inner self: it is not something that has actually ever been
“lost.” Once you stop searching and begin to observe yourself, what you were searching for will
automatically reveal itself. This happens when you are able to bridge the Gap. When the Gap is
bridged, it is as if you can see, feel and observe your spirit beyond the ego. Nothing needs to be
done, nothing has to happen and nothing has to change – except a shift in focus from your
external to your internal world (see Figures 5, 6 and 7).

In the Tao Te Ching, poet Lao Tzu expressed this beautifully:

If you want to become full,

let yourself be empty.
If you want to be reborn,
let yourself die.
If you want to be given everything,
give everything up. 20

Like the image of the suited monk, the words in this poem are paradoxical. Letting yourself be
empty means going beyond the ego and operating from the spirit, which is both empty and
completely full. When you let yourself die, you awake, as the dissolving of the ego leads to the
rebirth of the spirit. Paradoxically, by giving up everything – your attachments to things, your
egoic identity, your fears – you make it possible to wake up and return to the spirit, which gives
you everything you ever needed.

Discovering your internal world takes courage. You must believe in and trust yourself; surrender
and follow your intuition and inner journey; accept things as they are and be willing to let go of
old thoughts, beliefs, negative emotions and attachments that are no longer useful along your
journey. Initially, you may experience temporary discomfort and unease, for example, unsettling
emotions from past experiences may surface or you may face uncertainty and new challenges.
However, the more you become aware of your inner being and passion, the clearer and easier
your path will become. You can compare this journey to a well with a special water pump that
only works in one direction. Once it’s been opened, it can’t be closed again. The further you
raise the handle, the more water will flow out. Similarly, once your journey has begun, the
process is naturally revealed. All you need to do is follow the flow; it isn’t necessary to know
where it will end.

Are you on the internal journey?

Whatever job you may have, you can walk the internal journey. In fact, you may be walking it
now without even realising.

Ask yourself:
• Am I working mainly for money or mainly to fulfil my purpose in life?
• Am I working to receive or working to give?
• Do I love what I do?

The answers to these questions reveal the difference between being on the external or internal
journey. For example, if you are working merely to receive money, your experience of life will
be very different than if you are working first and foremost to offer a service from the heart. If
you don’t love what you do, life will appear challenging and it is because you are working
against your inner self that this resistance arises. You might think that a woman whose job is
cleaning the floor in a restaurant could never truly enjoy her work, after all, who wants to clean?
But I have met such people and asked them what they enjoy about their work. One person said,
“For me, this is art.” Hearing this, I knew she was on the internal journey. There was no
resistance toward the job she was doing; rather, she saw it as an expression of her inner self. She
was like a suited monk, fulfilling what she knew to be her purpose in life, regardless of how it
might have appeared to anyone observing.

Everyone is born with a purpose and only by knowing your true purpose and following your
intuition will you be able to enjoy what life has to offer. It’s like walking in a forest. You can
choose to walk the path that people around you are walking; this can be a path that already exists
and is safe and secure, or it can be the path to which you feel most called, whether or not it feels
safe and secure. This path may be the same that others are walking or it may be one that no one
has walked before. Either way, if you make this latter choice and follow your inner calling, you
will discover hidden treasures, gems of wisdom and surprising rewards.

Becoming more conscious and aware

In the internal world, we learn through awareness. Awareness can be understood as the direct
perception of reality, without the intervening filter of concepts and ideas. It is the key to self-
discovery, and because it is not limited by our preconceptions, it is fresh and new in every
moment.

When I speak of consciousness, I am referring to the constant state of awareness in which we are
open to receiving signs and messages from the environment around us and from our life
circumstances. Thoughts are not involved. Instead of analysing, judging or interpreting
everything intellectually, we listen, observe patiently and simply absorb what is, without
labelling the experience. Of course thoughts may be present, coming and going within the realm
of the mind, but when we listen from the heart and stay aware, we don’t have to engage and
become involved in those thoughts; they don’t determine our experience of reality.

Awareness brings meaning to your experience. It stimulates learning and questioning by asking
yourself why you are the way you are and why things happen or don’t happen in your life.
Although the goal is not to find a fixed reason for everything, enhanced awareness will give you
a greater ability to make decisions and live in a way that aligns your actions with your true
desires. You can each reach your destination on the journey by practising awareness in your day-
to-day life. By being aware, you open yourself to receive whatever gifts life has to offer you –
from the most mundane to the most sublime. For this to be attained, you must step outside your
comfort zone and journey to the very core of your being.

I am not talking about anything complicated. To begin practising awareness, all you need to do is
sit down with a book and a cup of coffee or tea. Become aware of your body: feel your feet, your
legs and your hands touching the book. Take a drink of your tea or coffee and notice the feel of
your cup, the taste of your drink. Become aware of your surroundings: the furniture, the floor,
the light from the windows. When you consciously observe in this way, there is no room for
thought. Try it. For example, practise awareness by looking at a flower next to you, as soon as a
thought comes in, you lose full awareness of that flower. You can’t be fully aware of the flower
and think at the same time. It’s a subtle distinction but it makes all the difference with respect to
being aware and not being aware. Of course, I’m not suggesting you try to live without thoughts;
that would be highly impractical but if you expand your awareness you will be more able to
simply enjoy the present moment.

Don’t miss any chance to become aware! You have a fresh opportunity in every moment of the
day. You can type with or without awareness, you can eat with or without awareness, you can
walk with or without awareness. In each moment, the choice is yours. Most of us live our lives
unconsciously. We go about our day on automatic pilot. We get up in the morning, get dressed,
go to the office, come back home, eat dinner and then go to sleep. It’s as if we are hypnotised; as
if the external world is the master and we are its slaves.

Being unaware results in ignorance of our true self. It also opens us to unwanted and undesirable
external input. Our subconscious mind can be influenced in many ways. For example, we are
constantly manipulated by television commercials that lead us to believe we need a particular
product to feel happy. The information may bypass our conscious mind and go straight to our
subconscious mind and the next thing we know we are acting on the impulse. Instead, the
transformation of unaware living into aware living is what our world needs today. When we live
our lives with full awareness, it is easy to know whether or not we are on the right path. As
aware beings, we are naturally in touch with our intuition and true inner feelings. If something
happens that makes you uncomfortable, you might ask yourself, “What is this uncomfortable
feeling trying to tell me?” You simply have to heed that feeling’s message and recognise what it
is that you need to solve or change in order to stay on the right path.

Pause for a moment and take stock of your awareness. How strong is it?

Ask yourself: How aware am I when I brush my teeth every morning? How often do I choose to
take a different route to work? How often do I think about my purpose in life? Perhaps these
three questions have different degrees of importance but all reflect a level of awareness. At the
lowest level, it’s as though our external life is leading us around on a chain. At a higher level, our
inner self takes the lead and our life is guided by intuition and inner wisdom.
Our predominant level of awareness is a matter of training and habit. Take working out at the
gym for example: it only takes a few weeks or so to get out of shape. It’s the same with
awareness. Our awareness is like a muscle that needs to be exercised regularly to function at its
highest level. You can think of awareness as being like water: pure and clear. When we live in
the external world, our awareness becomes muddy and stagnant. Only if we filter out the mud
can the water become pure and clear again.

We have many levels of awareness: of ourselves, of others and of the world around us. All levels
are interconnected and influence one another. For example, if you are highly aware of yourself
but not of those around you, you may feel very confident in yourself but separate and distant
from others. If you are highly aware of others but not very aware of yourself, you may get along
well with others but have difficulty finding and following your own will. The greater your
awareness, the easier it is to follow your internal journey and to connect with your inner desires
and abilities. Regardless of how aware you are now, it is always possible to develop greater
awareness.

What is the outcome of practising awareness? When your feelings, thoughts and actions are in
alignment, you are free from stress, inner tension, conflict and emptiness. It is possible to bring
these elements into harmony by bringing awareness to each component. Recognising how they
work with or against each other is the road of happiness. Happiness is not an end point in any
sense; it is a way of living moment by moment.

Living consciously

When you live life unconsciously, you put yourself at the mercy of your external circumstances.
You wear the clothes other people tell you to wear, eat the food others say is popular and even
think thoughts you feel will please others. When you allow yourself to be swayed by external
influences, it’s difficult to remember where you truly belong and who you truly are. One big
secret to living consciously is to walk your internal journey. While doing so, your mind has less
to worry about because you are in line with your self and your purpose. Automatically you
become more conscious.

Imagine you are an Olympic athlete who aspires to win the gold medal. Your coach acts as a
mirror, giving you feedback on your form, method and habits. In order to become a medal-
winning athlete, you need to remain highly conscious in all areas of your life. Slipping in your
diet or exercise regime only a little will affect your overall athletic performance. Living
consciously is like being an athlete in training: it’s an ongoing growing process. It’s not about
reaching some kind of end state, rather, it is the ability to continuously examine your beliefs and
behaviours so you can gain a clear perception of your present state, observe it, learn about it,
make changes accordingly and grow. Being able to examine yourself takes a lot of courage. It
requires practising acceptance of whatever feedback the world is giving you. Whether the
feedback you receive is favourable or not, if you accept it, you close the Gap between your
external and internal worlds.
When you learn to live consciously, you come to view life from a greater perspective. It’s like
turning on the lights, one by one in a dark room. Each light you turn on allows you to see more
of the room. Instead of randomly bumping around, you’re able to see what’s in the room and
whether you’re walking on the right path. In fact, as soon as the first light has been switched on,
no matter how dim it may initially be, you are no longer in the dark.
Wants and Needs to support a purpose

In the internal world, much as in the external world, our wants determine the things we need to
fulfil our calling in life but unlike in the external world, in the internal world we want things not
because we must have them but because they aid our self-expression or ability to be of service.
Once we experience true inner fulfilment, we lose interest in things that don’t add value to our
inner lives. We can make the shift from external to internal wants and needs by first identifying
those things that are meaningful to us. When you feel the desire for something, ask yourself: Do
I really need this? Do I want this so I will feel good or do I want it because it will it help me
fulfil my purpose or mission?

I was recently asked if a person who wants and needs nothing is really happier than a person who
has everything. People who look only to the external world for satisfaction invariably want more
and more. Such people may become billionaires but unless they also get in touch with their
internal world, they are unlikely to feel truly satisfied, happy or at peace. At the same time, those
who have nothing in the external world often crave the success and money they don’t have. So
they too lack happiness. But a third group – those who want and need nothing – experience no
obstacles to happiness. It doesn’t matter whether such a person is rich or poor; if he or she is rich
within themselves, the person will be happy.

Consider the following questions. What is the difference between:

• A rich person who is happy and a rich person who is unhappy?

• A poor person who is happy and a poor person who is unhappy?
• A person who is seriously ill but happy and a person who is seriously ill and unhappy?

The only difference is whether they are attached to what they have or don’t have. For example, if
a rich person doesn’t need wealth to be happy, he or she isn’t attached to it and will still be
happy if it is gone. These people’s happiness depends on their internal state of being; their own
nature. They are not resistant to external circumstances. On the other hand, if a rich person needs
wealth to be happy, his or her happiness depends on wealth. We can say such rich people are
attached to their wealth.

The same applies to poor people who are unhappy. For example, if a poor person is attached to a
blanket he has, considering it “mine,” and that blanket is then lost, he will feel unhappy.
However, a poor person who is not attached to the blanket but uses it only to sleep under will
still be happy if the blanket is taken away. Yes, he may be cold and uncomfortable, but that does
not affect his lasting state of inner happiness. The blanket itself is not part of who he considers
himself to be, and so this person trusts that if the blanket has been taken away, there is a reason
for it and the universe will help by, for example, providing a bigger blanket, the money to buy
one or some other form of support. Similarly, a sick person who is attached to an illness will
become a victim and feel unhappy. On the other hand, a sick person who has accepted that
illness is not identified with it and learns to accept and live with whatever condition his body
may undergo. His happiness depends on his inner being, not the sickness.
What does this mean for you? It means that if you want to find happiness, you can’t depend on
what you have or don’t have at any given point in time. What you have now may be gone
tomorrow and vice versa. For this reason, the best strategy when it comes to your wants and
needs is to cultivate nonattachment. Nonattachment doesn’t mean giving up all the things you
have and enjoy. It doesn’t mean taking a vow of poverty or reassigning yourself to a life of
austerity. It simply means you can still be who you are regardless of what you have or don’t have.
This is the secret to lasting happiness.

This leads to the question of how one can be successful in business while maintaining an attitude
of nonattachment. There are two ways to make money.

The first is to make as much money as you can – which our culture tends to condition us to do –
and then think about finding your life purpose afterwards. This was the route taken by many
people who are now 40 or 50 years old. They find themselves successful in society and in
business but miserable because they forgot to nurture their heart for 20 or 30 years. Unless they
can realign themselves with who they really are, they will continue to be unhappy.
The other way to make money is through finding your purpose in life. In this case, you follow
your calling and your spirit expresses itself through you. This will lead to a fulfilling journey;
one you can enjoy every single day. You can become just as rich as those whose aim to make
money first but your happiness will not depend on that money.

Acquiring knowledge versus learning through awareness

We’ve all heard the phrase “knowledge is power.” In the external world, the accumulation of
intellectual knowledge is essential. We only need to be able to count, read and write to function
in the working world and yet we take it one step further. Our identity becomes attached to our
achievements: if we get good grades in school, we are praised and feel worthy; if we get low
grades, we feel unworthy. We identify ourselves with our achievements and wear our degrees
like a badge. The more knowledge we acquire, the more important we feel.
Of course, good grades and a high IQ can help you to achieve external success. However, this
type of knowledge won’t help you find meaning, purpose or your inner self. In the internal
world, the acquisition of knowledge in itself has no meaning. Accumulating knowledge doesn’t
necessarily make us wiser, happier or more fulfilled. If we want to learn and grow on the internal
journey, instead of more knowledge, what we need is greater awareness. We need to learn
through awareness and through our own direct experience.

Unfortunately, our many years at school tend to do little to put us in touch with our true inner
being. In fact, some people are in touch with their true being as young children and actually lose
that awareness as they come under the influence of teachers and peers at school who do not value
or reinforce that knowledge. In many ways, our education steers us away from awareness and
teaches us to depend exclusively on mental knowledge. As a result, after university we enter the
external world ready to become successful on the external journey but not prepared to use the
wisdom of our heart.

As adults, we’re confident in our ability to analyse, label and interpret everything in our world.
Our minds give meaning to every experience and we use this information to make choices about
our lives. However, we don’t realise that interpreting the world purely through an intellectual
knowledge base tends to disconnect us from our internal world. As we embark on the internal
journey, we need to put less emphasis on acquiring knowledge and more emphasis on learning
through awareness. We need to be willing to let that which is unknown into our lives. For
example, consider how you approach this book. If you simply use it to get more intellectual
knowledge, such as memorising unfamiliar terms and their order in the model, you won’t
understand what I am saying or gain much lasting value. On the other hand, if you use it to learn
through awareness, you will observe your own inner experience as you read and pay attention to
how what I am saying might apply in your life. You will open yourself to the journey of self-
discovery.

Past, Present and Future

When we live in the external world, everything revolves around the past and the future, however,
when we live in the internal world there is only the present moment. Perhaps you’ve heard the
phrases “be fully present” and “the present is a gift”, or heard it said that someone has a “nice
presence.” But what does this actually mean and why should we want to be more present? To be
present means to be fully aware and conscious of yourself and the world around you at any given
moment. Although it may seem like a simple concept, living in the present is a lot more
challenging than it sounds, especially in today’s fast-paced world. We have so many thoughts
pulling our attention in different directions – often to a place other than the here and now. The
effect of these external stresses is that we don’t experience the present moment in its fullest
potential. We lose out on enjoying the moment and miss the messages that come to us from the
circumstances of our lives and from the greater universe. Instead, the present moment is reduced
to a means to an end; we squander it away by continually delving into thoughts about the past or
future. Ultimately, the reason the present is so important is simply because it is the only thing we
have. The Buddha said, “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future – concentrate your
mind on the present moment.”
The past in the external world consists of memories and experiences. These can either be good or
bad, depending on our interpretation at the time. For example, if in the past you were told you
were an average basketball player, you will carry that memory with you today. If someone says
you are a good writer, you think of yourself as a good writer. This is how identities are formed.
Our past in the external world is a reference; a reality we believe to be true. All too often, our
decisions about the future are based on our memories and beliefs from the past. A man who
participated in one of my workshops felt stuck in his life because he had an image of himself as
not good enough. As we dug deeper, he discovered this belief came from his childhood when his
father used to call him lazy. Laziness became part of his identity and it held him back. In the
workshop, he was able to release this old belief and make room for a new reality in the present.

Our future in the external world is a mental projection of our goals. Our desire for a better life
drives us forward. We tell ourselves, for example, that we’ll be happier in the future, that we’ll
have a better job, home or relationship. We plan, plot and strategise but unfortunately most of us
never seem to find the inner peace and contentment we crave. While others among us may be
focused on the possibility of future calamities, we continue to obsess on the question of “what
if”: what if we lose our job, suffer an illness or experience a natural disaster?

Does this mean you don’t have past experiences or shouldn’t plan for the future? I’m not saying
that. You did experience things before, but they were in your present moment then, not in your
present moment now. Having goals can be good if you enjoy the flow of working toward your
future. However, also recognise that your future goals, purpose and mission are the outcome of
your actions in the present. Moreover, your life journey will naturally unfold, regardless of what
you do to try to shape it. Life itself will take you there without you having to focus on it.

What I am suggesting is that you become aware of your purpose in life and then set a series of
small goals to fulfil that purpose. Three- to six-month goals work well. If you set goals too large
or too long range, it is easier for you to derail from your true destination. Often people set large
goals for the first 10 or 20 years of their career but then they find that after they have achieved
those goals, they still need to find their purpose. As a result, they have to start again with new
goals when they become clear about their purpose. Whenever I need to make a decision in my
life, I always ask myself, “Will it add value to my life right now if I do it?” If the answer is yes, I
make the decision and go for it.

Have you noticed that often when you go away on vacation, you come back with an
understanding about what needs to change in your life? If this happens to you, it is probably
because you took the time to be with yourself, without too much thinking. When we are focused
in the present moment, inner answers can rise to the surface. Often when we go back to our
office, we quickly refocus on the external world and our spirit recedes once again. Many people
postpone happiness or what they truly want because they think they have something important to
do first. For example, they have to get a promotion, make more money or find the right partner
as only then will they be able change. They put off their happiness in the meantime but the
change never comes; happiness remains a future dream. Don’t postpone your happiness; it will
never happen in the future. Living in the present means enjoying the process of what you are
doing. It means practising being aware of yourself and the activities in which you are involved,
as I mentioned earlier.
Let me give you another example. When was the last time you tasted what you ate? This may
seem an easy question but I mean really tasted? Often you eat only because it is necessary. You
know what you are eating but you fail to actually taste the food. In order to come into the
present, take a bite of your food without preconceptions about the taste. Focus your awareness on
the food in your mouth and allow yourself to take in the taste as if it were the first time you were
experiencing it. After swallowing, wait three seconds before taking another bite. Don’t talk; just
experience. Try this and see if you don’t derive more enjoyment from the food you eat; see if
you don’t start to notice subtle tastes that previously eluded you.

I encourage you to find new ways to practise becoming more aware of the present moment. See
what works for you, whether it is breathing, eating, meditation or being present in another form
you can think of. One practice I often use when I walk outside my home is to feel whatever
touches my skin, without naming it or putting a label on it. If it is cold, I accept the cold and let it
be; I stay present to the cold and feel it on my skin. If it is the sun on my skin, I feel the energy
from the sunlight and enjoy the sense of feeling and just being. The longer you stay in the
present, the less fear you will have and the greater the chance your spirit and intuition will
flourish.
 7. CHALLENGES

We all encounter challenges in our day-to-day lives. It is how we perceive and respond to our
challenges that makes all the difference. As M. Scott Peck said, “Life is difficult. This is a great
truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we
transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it –
then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer
matters.”21

Acceptance of challenges

When we encounter a challenge we have two choices: either reject it and hide away, or observe,
accept and let go of any feelings of fear, threat and negativity we may hold towards it.
You might be tempted to say, “But what about a third choice? What about taking action?” If you
act the second you’re faced with a challenge, you will most likely respond using emotions such
as fear or anger as the ego rises to defend itself. Your action will be an automatic response from
the mind and you may find yourself going off half-cocked. What I am suggesting is that you
observe the challenge and accept it. You are then free to act out of non-attachment, drawing on
your intuition instead of your emotions. In some cases, this may take time; in other cases, it may
happen almost instantaneously.

Before I gave a talk for TEDx in Taiwan, I spent a long time preparing. I wanted everything to
be perfect because this was my chance to share my ideas with the world. During the first five
minutes of the presentation everything went well, but when I gave the signal to turn on the
PowerPoint, their computer crashed. There I stood, in front of all those people, with no
PowerPoint. It was a challenge I hadn’t anticipated. What to do? I started laughing and told the
audience, “Everything in life happens for a reason. I’m not sure what the reason for this is, but...”
Everyone laughed. I even said, “If someone knows a good joke, please come on stage.”

I had a choice when the computer crashed: I could either become upset and respond negatively or
I could accept the situation and move on, following my heart and intuition. This is how I live my
life whenever challenges arise; large or small. We need to see that each challenge is an invitation
for growth and accept the challenge, knowing that it won’t defeat you. The universe never gives
us a challenge that is beyond our ability to face. Only we can hold ourselves back from any
challenges in life; no one else can. Denying the difficulties and trying to blame others for them is
just a way of rejecting what is happening to us. We must learn to recognise the many forms our
rejection can take and move towards acceptance, even if in the beginning doing so is quite
painful.

When we live in the external world, our problems and challenges are often due to the ego’s need
for attention and gratification. We tend to talk about other people’s faults or point out how
situations are not right for us. It’s always “them” – the external factor – that make us feel the way
we feel. In the external world, we act as if we are the victim to others and even to ourselves.
Engaging in self-blame is a manifestation of identification with the ego.

You see, even though the ego may appear to be threatened by anything that doesn’t go its way,
its goal is to keep pursuing challenges. The ego actually thrives on challenge and conflict. It has
no problem with all the negativity that arises, such as anger, fear, aggression and depression. Of
course, we think we don’t like challenges and we spend a lot of time worrying about what could
go wrong when encountering them but even that worry is food to the ego.

Challenges in the external world are tests given to you. The more you live in the external world,
the more challenges you will encounter. In the Life Journey Model (Figure 1), challenges are
shown as occurring at the beginning of the journey. This is because you haven’t yet found your
true self. Every day something may seem to be missing or objectionable and every day you have
a choice to make: either to walk the external journey or the internal journey.

Each challenge is an opportunity to connect with yourself and to start walking the internal
journey. These challenges are personal; they are meant for you and you only. The same situation
might not seem the least bit challenging to someone else. The solutions to your challenges are
also uniquely yours. Other people may try to give you advice or help solve your problems but
ultimately this is your task. It is your opportunity to get more closely connected with your inner
self.

In the external world, most people are preoccupied with their own challenges and will end up
holding on to them for a lifetime. This only increases the Gap and prevents them from
connecting with themselves. Millions of people live in misery because they feel they cannot
accept or overcome the challenges in life. They prefer to stay in their misery because at least that
way they can attract other people’s attention and sympathy, which makes their ego feel better.

My whole life was a challenge until I started to accept what was happening to me. I stopped
rejecting change and started to embrace it. That was the moment I started walking the internal
journey. Although challenges are shown at the beginning of the Life Journey Model, they can
occur at any time. Looking at the bigger picture of life, it is clear we are here to learn and to
grow. The circumstances of our life will constantly challenge us until we have learned our lesson.
In fact, it may seem the universe is throwing us the same challenges over and over within our
daily life. For example, a man I know hates it when people are very critical and direct. Every
time he encounters such people, he reacts with annoyance and anger and can’t understand why
they keep showing up. What he needs to understand is that he will continue to meet people who
are critical and blunt until he has learned to forgive and be nonjudgmental. He has to learn to
deal with these people, accept the pain he feels and to let it go. The universe will keep sending
the same types of people into his life until he has learned this lesson.

Some challenges are tough and some are easier to face. The more challenges you meet and
overcome, the more you will learn about what you want and don’t want in life but you can’t just
stand idly by. If a challenge exists in your mind, you have to handle it; otherwise it will always
stay there.
Challenges in the internal world

In the internal world, there are no true problems or challenges. The world problem is a creation
of the mind. In the internal world, you will only find challenges in the form of gifts that provide
you with the opportunity to change and grow. These challenges allow you to see outside the box
and take another step on your journey. When these challenges occur, allow them to happen.
Don’t try to go around them; simply face the challenge, accept it and let it go. Challenges will
come and go as long as you don’t resist or reject the experience. Your challenges will be over
when you decide to let them go. Only your mind can hold onto a challenge. When your mind is
at peace, the challenge disappears. This is similar to my explanations about happiness and
unhappiness in the previous chapter: when we are unattached to what we own, unhappiness
dissolves. Similarly, when we are at peace and not attached to a challenge, it dissolves. All that
remains is the gift of its lesson.

One way to respond to challenges is to pay attention to the voice of the inner self. Your inner self
always knows the right way to respond because it is aware of the energy in the world around you.
It is also in tune with the vast energy of the universe. So pay attention to any feelings or
messages coming from your heart. Learn to trust them and they will lead you in the direction that
is right for you. Truly speaking, a person who can’t trust his or her own heart will be blown
about like dry leaves on an autumn day.

When Grace and I first arrived in Shanghai, we lived in a cheap service apartment, which was a
huge change from the lifestyle we had previously enjoyed. I didn’t want Grace to suffer as a
result of my decision to pursue a more meaningful career, so I told her she could choose any
apartment she wanted and I would make sure we could pay for it. She said this was impossible
because she wanted to live in a nice place, minimum $1,500 USD per month and we clearly
didn’t have the money. The day before we went in search of an apartment, I asked her to sit
down with me on the bed and hold hands and ask the universe to help us find the place we
wanted for only $900. I held the image of a nice apartment for that price in my head and in my
mind I asked, “Please help us find a nice but affordable place.” I directed these words to the
universe, whilst also directing them to my inner self, knowing that these were intimately
connected. You could say the words came from my inner self, were directed to my inner self and
also answered by my inner self. The next day, we found exactly the place we wanted, for exactly
$900, in fact, it was the best apartment we had ever had!

Every time a challenge comes to me, I accept it and allow it to be there and I feel in my heart
what I should do to respond to the challenge. That is the direction I go with. Often it doesn’t
make sense to my mind because it doesn’t seem like the most logical choice. For example, when
my inner self suggested I create a life manual, my mind told me it couldn’t be done but in my
heart it felt right, so I proceeded. The result is the Life Journey Model in this book.

Becoming enlightened or finding your purpose in life doesn't mean you will never have
challenges anymore. The difference between the ordinary and enlightened person is in how a
challenge is perceived. The ordinary person sees it as a problem, while the enlightened person
embraces the challenge and lets it go.

Challenges in the internal world can speed us along the journey of life. Zen masters, for instance,
often pose a problem or challenge to their disciples to help them gain spiritual insight. When the
disciple comes back with an answer that has been concocted in the mind, the master rejects it and
sends him away for further contemplation. Only when the disciple becomes aware that the
problem has no intellectual answer does the master acknowledge his correct perception. You
may not have a Zen master to pose challenges to you but you can gain the same level of spiritual
insight by paying attention to similar challenges within your internal world.

Our different destinations result in different challenges but the journey is the same for all of us.
In order to accept challenges along the journey, we need to develop the ability to trust and
believe, as well as go with the flow. I shall explain these steps in more detail in the following
sections.

Face your fears

Fear keeps many of us from moving forward in life. We are held back by fears of failure,
rejection and loss. These fears are the result of our attachment to the external world. As I
mentioned in chapter three, the ego will reject anything that makes it feel uncomfortable. It will
hold us back when we want to dive into the unknown and try something new. Fear appears near
the beginning of the Life Journey Model because it is so often the way we first respond to
challenges. Yet every day is a new day in which we can choose between fear and trust.

A couple of years ago, I became so fed up with all the negativity around me and within myself
that I decided to face all my fears one by one. I faced my fear of public speaking, talking to
strangers and trying new things. For example, I scheduled workshops that required me to stand in
front of groups, sometimes for whole days at a time. Instead of avoiding opportunities to speak
with strangers, I embraced those opportunities every chance I could.

It took me two years to handle these fears but it was an enjoyable journey. I realised that every
time we accept a fear, there is less to reject in life and our acceptance helps to bridge the Gap.
Handling fear becomes easier when we see it is just a mental projection towards an event. Today
I have no more fears because I see that there really is nothing too lose. The only thing we can
lose is our identity, the ego. Before, when I stood in front of a group or met strangers, my ego
worried about how they might see me or if I would say the wrong thing. Now I no longer place
importance on these concerns because they are no longer part of my identity.

Develop trust

The moment I was fired from my job, I felt as if I was in freefall after jumping from an airplane,
without a parachute. It was very intense. On the one hand, I felt tremendous freedom and relief. I
was free and I had no one to tell me what to do. On the other hand, I had given up my steady pay
check with health insurance, my paid-for apartment, my business travel account, company
dinners and much more. That brought up a lot of deep fear; fear I hadn’t yet faced.
In the days that followed, it was hard to think rationally. My security and safety was gone. I had
two choices: go back to the corporate environment to retrieve security or trust that life would
guide me in the right direction and everything would work out. I chose the second option.
Immediately something very interesting occurred. I was still in freefall but I now I felt as if the
air was carrying me and I could control my movement through it. I was floating on trust and I
felt liberated and free from everything around me. If I hadn’t taken the initial risk and faced my
fears, that wouldn’t have happened. Jumping into freefall was what I needed to liberate myself. It
led me to love, to my life purpose and to writing this book.

Why is it so difficult to trust? Because we fear being judged by others, doing the wrong thing or
losing ourselves. The solution is to face your fear and begin to practise trust. To develop trust, it
is essential to surrender. Surrendering doesn’t mean giving in; it means taking a risk and
surrendering your fear and whatever ideas you have about what might happen to you. The first
time you surrender is likely to be the most difficult but the more you practise relying on trust, the
easier it is. It becomes almost effortless. You can surrender to the greater power of the universe
and to simply being in the moment, both in relationships and with yourself.

Surrender in life generally involves the following:

1. Becoming aware of your feelings
2. Acknowledging your feelings
3. Asking what your feelings are telling you
4. Following your feelings, making the appropriate changes, stepping into the unknown and
surrendering

Let’s be even more specific. Suppose, for example, you are having an argument with your
partner at home or with someone at work. To surrender in this situation, do the following:
1. Wait two or three seconds before responding
2. Observe your defensiveness or negative reaction
3. Choose how you will respond: naturally from the heart, not emotionally from the ego (see
Figure 7)

In some cases, following your heart may initially seem to create a worse situation. You may feel
that by surrendering or not resisting the other person, you will lose yourself. You want to be
trusting but you’re afraid of losing yourself. This can lead to a resurgence of fear, especially if
you are relying on trust for the first time. In that moment, your mind may take over again but I’m
here to tell you to hold on! Give it a bit more of a chance. You may be surprised at how things
develop when you are willing to trust.

Once Grace left a book about spirituality by her seat in the airport. In the plane she felt bad
because she wanted to read the book. I told her that maybe it would be found by someone who
needed to read it at exactly that time in his or her life. She felt relief in this and was able to
accept that losing the book might have worked out for the best.

Bankei Yotaku, a Zen Buddhist master, once said, “You know only one miracle – to allow nature
to have its own course. You don’t interfere.” This is really very simple, straightforward
guidance. When you are hungry, eat. When you are sleepy, sleep. When you lose one book, read
another. In other words, don’t try to force the natural rhythm of life. Don’t try to change
something external just because someone says you should or because it is taught in books or has
been scientifically proven. Everything will change automatically if you allow it to happen.

Follow your intuition

Once you begin to develop trust, the next step is to expand this into every aspect of your life. In
chapter 5, we talked about following your heart and being spontaneous. I described how you can
use the flip of a coin to aid you in making decisions without mental deliberation. Have you tried
this? Can you recall a time you did something spontaneously, just because it felt right? It is this
deeper feeling I’m talking about – an intuition that knows what is right for you.

Following one’s intuition is one of the biggest challenges people face in the internal world,
especially if they are transitioning from the external to the internal world. Most people want to
be secure and safe and hold on to what they have. Yet holding on to anything external holds
them back from being free. What is required is a paradigm shift. Instead of relying on fear and
operating out of the mind and intellect, you have to rely on trust and operate from the heart. This
can be difficult because the duality between heart and mind has been with us from an early age.
As children, we were taught to place credence on logic and to make decisions based on logic and
thought. If a concept cannot be proven by science, our society tends to reject it. For this reason,
many people who have experienced extraordinary things beyond what the mind can understand
are labelled as weird or strange and are rejected by the professional world. As long as you remain
focused on your thoughts, you will stay in the same pattern and create the same circumstances
around you. Because the ego controls the mind, making decisions based on logic alone actually
feeds the ego. When you rely on logic, you are unable to experience the wisdom of your inner
self. Logic will only bring you further from the truth.

Your intuition and internal feelings are the most powerful guides on your life journey. These
feelings already know where they want to go so you need to learn to listen to them in every
situation. Everything is connected in your life and your feelings will connect you with the things
around you. How can you make this 180 degree shift from thoughts to feelings? If your mind has
been busy and in control for many years, your spirit will be afraid to come out. Talking to
yourself helps to connect with the inner self. For example, you may say to yourself, “I am sorry I
have neglected you for so long. It is safe to come forward. I will be there for you and protect
you. Please, I need your help.”

A life lived purely from the perspective of the mind is not very colourful but when you follow
your intuition, your internal world can flourish. Many artists and musicians find they do their
best work when they are not thinking. This happens because a greater force takes over. Imagine
what the world would be like if everyone stopped acting from their thoughts and started
following their intuition!

The ego will always keep your mind busy with questions. It knows that if it stops being busy,
you might awaken rendering the ego useless. In fact, there is no true answer to all your mental
questions and there doesn’t have to be. The questions from your mind can be answered by facts
but the true questions from the spirit cannot be answered. Once we stop thinking, we find the
answers to our questions within our hearts.

Of course, just trying to stop thinking will not work. The mind will be overtaken by the thought
“I must stop thinking!” If anything, this will make it busier than ever. So you have to be a bit
devious with the mind. You have to trick it into feeling okay about no longer being the centre of
your world. There is no single technique to doing this but if you continue to develop, trust and
follow your intuition, gradually your mind will realise that everything is fine and it can relax.

Often we already know what our intuition is suggesting but we don’t pay attention to it. Our ego
talks us into making decisions that feed it itself, rather than the spirit. For example, leaving a
relationship might give you tremendous freedom and relief, yet your ego will fear losing the
other person and the affection you’re used to receiving. Your intuition says you should leave but
because of your fear you don’t. In this case, the challenge is to step out of your comfort zone and
do what feels right.

It is often said that you should think first and then act. However, when faced with a challenge,
the ideal response – provided that you’re in touch with your heart – is to act first and then think.
Spontaneous action flows from the heart, which knows what is right and best. If you allow
yourself to respond spontaneously and act straight from your heart, you will be following your
intuition. If you act using your mind and thinking first, the response becomes calculated and you
will end up weighing out the pros and cons and deciding what you think is best for you, even if it
is not what feels right. So always follow the first thing that comes to you. If your first feeling is
no, then say no; if it is yes, say yes. Let your decision be natural.

Living in the Flow

Flow is one of the most important principles in the universe. In chapter three, I mentioned the
Taoist concept of tao, which refers to the flow of the universe and which keeps everything
balanced and in harmony. In this flow, there are no challenges. Everything is taken care of.

Perhaps you have had the experience of flow when being so involved in a work project that you
end up losing all sense of time. Time as we know it no longer seems to exist as we become fully
engrossed in the task at hand. We experience flow in our day-to-day lives when we surrender and
allow our lives to unfold moment by moment. This flow is a constant surrendering, trusting,
following of intuition and allowing things to happen.

Grace and I always used to plan activities for the weekend or plan ahead what we wanted to do.
Often, the idea we had was good and the prospect of doing it was very exciting. However, when
the day came and we implemented our plans, our moods had changed. In that moment, we might
have wanted to do something else entirely. In the past, we would stick to the plan regardless,
simply because it was our plan. However, as time went by, this worked less and less well for us.
We realised that we preferred to allow things to happen and to go with the flow of life. Now we
always delight in experiencing new things and seeing where life will take us. Sometimes the flow
brings us to restaurants with discounts or shows us hidden places in the city, taking us to shops
that have just what we needed to buy. One time, Grace had to buy summer shoes but she couldn’t
find them in the city. After a while, we gave up searching and just went with the flow. We
shopped around for different things and entered a shop with gadgets. To our surprise, at the back
of the shop, they had a few pair of shoes. One pair was exactly what my Grace wanted to buy.

How do we discover our flow? Flow cannot be discovered; it is simply a way of living. When
something happens, act spontaneously. Don’t worry about whether or not it’s the right thing to
do, just go with your flow. If there is a beggar on the street and you feel like giving something to
him, just give. If you start looking around first to see whether someone might be watching you,
you are not being authentic. Try this. Next weekend, when you go out of your house simply
allow things to happen. Don’t think too much, instead act spontaneously based on your feelings.
See where the flow takes you. However, be aware that the real world as we know it (businesses,
the media, our social system and so on) moves faster than the flow of life and we are therefore in
danger of falling into the wrong current. Let me explain by using a Taoist story. An old man fell
into a river that was upstream from a mighty waterfall. He got swept away, but fortunately
managed to make it over the falls without getting hurt. As he stepped out of the river below,
people asked him how he survived. “I didn’t think about it,” he said. “I let myself be shaped by
the water; I just went with its flow and didn’t try to shape the water.”

Living in the flow opens us up to new levels of creativity. My experience of the flow gave me
great insights on the content of the book you now hold in your hands. When we go with the flow,
we experience everything in life just as it is. So stop trying so hard and just let go.
 8. TRANSFORMING YOUR EXPERIENCE

Pain and suffering are caused by our internal decision to give meaning, purpose and value to the
external world. When something in our external world changes, we experience one of two basic
emotions: pleasure or pain. For example, some people may be so attached to their car that if
someone scratches it, even by accident, they feel as if they have personally been “scratched” –
their ego is projected through the car and is part of what gives them value in the external world.
If a friend criticises something we have done, we feel hurt because we think the person has
rejected not just our behaviour but everything about us. The ego may try to tell us that we don’t
have to suffer but that won’t necessarily stop us from suffering.

People in the business environment suffer when they don’t enjoy what they are doing. Every
morning they hate to wake up and go to the office. For them, every action in life is a struggle. At
a certain point, suffering becomes a habit. Knowing we will suffer gives us at least some degree
of certainty. We are familiar with what is going to happen and that familiarity creates a sense of
safety. We want to feel safe even if it means we will continue to suffer. Suffering happens to
each and every one of us. If we run away from it, it will hunt us down until we face it. The
suffering we experience on a personal level is now happening on a global scale. Almost every
day we have a new report of a natural disaster somewhere in the world, however, there is a
potentially bright side to this situation. Our collective suffering can cause us to go inward and
grow spiritually—something that must occur to prevent us from destroying the earth and
ourselves.

Eliminate suffering

It is possible to eliminate suffering. You can begin by understanding that suffering is part of the
journey of life. Suffering helps us tap into our inner resources and deepen ourselves as human
beings. When we make mistakes we suffer, but that suffering can be the door to a new world;
suffering can lead us to shift our focus from the external world to the internal world.

The difference between walking on the external or internal journey is one of focus and
identification. Either we focus on and identify with suffering, challenges and objects of the
external world, or, we focus on, and identify with, happiness and all aspects of our true self.
Once we start projecting ourselves inward, the external world becomes increasingly meaningless.
When we detach ourselves from external forms and no longer give meaning to the external
world, we cease to experience pain or loss. If you accept yourself as you are, you will be
incapable of experiencing suffering.

Suffering happens when our mind perceives a problem. The more problems you find in life, the
more you suffer. Suffering is eliminated simply by reframing your so-called “problems”. Stop
seeing your experience as a problem. When you shift your perception in this way, your suffering
will disappear. This is beautifully expressed in the Buddhist teachings: “A man struggling for
existence will naturally look for something of value. There are two ways of looking—a right way
and a wrong way. If he looks in the wrong way, he recognises that sickness, old age and death
are unavoidable and he seeks the opposite. If he looks in the right way, he recognises the true
nature of sickness, old age and death and he searches for meaning in this which transcends all
human sufferings. In my life of pleasures I seem to be looking in the wrong way.” 22 A famed
teacher of the Hindu philosophy known as Advaita Vedanta, Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, similarly
said, “It is always the false that makes you suffer, the false desires and fears, the false values and
ideas, the false relationships between people. Abandon the false and you are free of pain.” 23

Suffering is part and parcel of our journey in life. We have to suffer to allow the ego to die.
When the ego dies, it is as though the spirit has been set free. Whenever something goes
seriously wrong in your life – such as an accident, disability, losing your job or the loss of a
family member or loved one – be aware that there is another side to it and that this other side is
the possible end of suffering. This can occur through a process of letting go. When you
experience a tremendous loss it may be hard to let it go but see if you can experience what
happened without rejecting it. Allow the emotion and pain to be there, embrace them and then let
them go.

I was once asked if life can exist without problems, challenges or suffering. I answered yes. My
mind told me at that time that it was not possible but my heart was experiencing it. Now I can
see that it is not that difficult to eliminate suffering. By walking your internal journey, sooner or
later your suffering will diminish.

Negative emotions

Anger, fear and grief are emotions associated with the ego. Even so-called righteous anger comes
from the ego. These negative emotions keep us tied to the external world and are the result of the
ego’s identification with events or circumstances. As I’ve mentioned, we experience anger and
fear when the ego feels threatened. In the face of threat, we blame the other people, places or
things we feel are causing us grief, but in reality the cause of suffering is our own attachment to
those people, places or things. In the words of Sophocles, “The greatest griefs are those we cause
ourselves.” 24

Emotions are food for the brain; negative emotions create repetitive patterns of thinking and
feeling that are hard to break. These patterns can poison our lives in many ways. Once these
negative patterns of thinking and feeling become ingrained, our self-image is affected. Whatever
we think and feel, we become. The more you are focused on judgments and interpretations, the
more emotions you will experience – negative or positive.

I’ve never been an academic. In school I never learned well through reading books. I learned
better through experiences, through being creative and implementing ideas. I always got average
grades and because of that, I grew up thinking I wasn’t very smart. I now love reading books that
interest me.
Being smart in the external world means having a good education and a degree, right? This belief
created negative emotions in me and affected my life in many ways. I told myself that I wasn’t
qualified for certain jobs and that the people around me were much smarter. For example, when
our company had a high-potential programme, I assumed the people in it must be really smart.
Later on after I had been invited to become part of it, I still believed I was not smart. This
affected my self-image and I became deferential when communicating with others. Some people
acknowledged my talent but I told myself they were lying to me.

The longer you stay anchored in the external world, the more negative emotions you will
experience. As painful as they are, these emotions can actually play an important role in your
life. They are the symptoms that tell you something needs to change. When you experience a
negative emotion, the first thing is to become aware that you are experiencing a negative
emotion. Negative emotions usually originate in the mind. They are based on negative thought
patterns. Usually we are overwhelmed by our thought patterns but if you make the effort to
become aware of a negative emotion, you can distance yourself from that emotion.

The next step is to identify what made you experience that negative emotion. Pay attention and
listen to your inner self. What is your body telling you? What message is given to you through
that negative emotion? When you learn more about the negative emotion, your ego has less
reason to identify with it.

The final step is to accept that the emotion is one aspect of your experience; it is one of many
emotions you will encounter in the natural course of living. By accepting it, you will be able to
let it go, as we discussed in chapter 5. Let me give you an example of how this worked for me.
As part of my mourning routine, I often used the subway in China to travel to work. Because I
was always busy with my thoughts, I never paid attention to how uncomfortable taking the
subway made me feel. At a certain point, I became so frustrated in the subway that I almost burst
out in anger.

This led me to consider what might be happening. Why was I suddenly so angry? My first
thought was that the subway was crowded and very noisy. I was worried that something was
wrong with me, so I started doing research on the Internet to find out why I was so sensitive in
this situation. I found Elaine Aron’s book25 about highly sensitive people and when I read it, I
realised why I experienced negative emotions in crowded places. I am a highly sensitive person.
With this awareness, often I now choose to avoid visiting very crowded places or places with lots
of noise. At other times, when taking the subway is a necessity, I accept the crowded
environment for what it is without needing to react in anger.

When you experience negative emotions, first see if you can get out of the situation you are in. If
you can’t, see how you can be in the situation without experiencing it as negative. I’m not
suggesting you avoid or resist it but you can try to adopt a different attitude toward the situation,
accept it and let it go.
Positive emotions

The emotions associated with the internal world include happiness, enthusiasm, peace and love.
Happiness is often confused with pleasure and excitement but these are different experiences.
External things can give us pleasure or excitement but these positive feelings bring only short-
term satisfaction. As soon as the pleasure or excitement wears off, our emptiness returns.

When I think about the research that says we have a genetic set point for happiness and that no
one can be constantly happy, I have to ask myself, “Then what am I experiencing? If what the
book says is true, why do I feel happy every day?” Even when I have to cry or when I feel sad or
have a difficult time, I am still happy. This is something the mind cannot easily understand. How
can we be happy and unhappy at the same time? This can happen only if we are in touch with the
inner core of our being. When we are connected with our inner self, all negative emotions appear
to be on the surface of our being. We don’t need to rid ourselves of negative emotions to feel
lasting happiness. The inner self is who we really are, everything else is on the surface and
comes and goes just like a passing show.

If people everywhere are seeking this kind of happiness, how come so few are truly happy in
their private life and at work? Often they are busy smiling and pretending to be happy. They
become preoccupied looking at others they believe to be happy and feel bad that they aren’t as
happy as they think those people are. In essence, they are so caught up in the external world that
they have little chance of finding lasting happiness. But living in a constant state of happiness is
achievable. When our happiness is not dependent on the external world but rather on our internal
world, we can achieve a state of constant happiness. Getting there is a journey; it is a process. It
can’t be learned by reading a few books or listening to audio tapes. Nor can happiness be
achieved by effort or by reminding yourself to be happy. If you have to set reminders for
yourself every morning so you appreciate what you have, then happiness will disappear as soon
as you stop putting in the effort to achieve it. Rather, happiness is a state of being, an experience
that just happens and is constant.

You may think that you won’t be able to live in total bliss unless your mind has become free of
all thoughts. This is not my experience. Every day I am filled with happiness, yet I still have
thoughts going in my mind. The difference is that I am not identified with them anymore. I just
accept that they are there and I let them be. I never meditated to achieve this; I just followed my
heart and my path. As I walked on my internal journey, my thoughts automatically became fewer
because I had less cause for worry and less reason to think about doing something different in
life.

I have noticed that the people in China seem unusually good at practising acceptance. For
example, driving in China may appear to be chaos to Westerners. People walk or ride their bikes
right in front of your car. There are almost no rules and everyone just follows the flow of traffic.
If you almost run over someone in other parts of the world, it is likely to provoke a fight. In
China, people don’t react. They don’t get angry or frustrated; they just let it be. I think they are
happier because they allow the things around them to be as they are and they take life as it
comes.
Cultivate happiness

You can cultivate happiness by first observing your feelings. If you feel unhappy, ask yourself,
“Is my unhappiness related to an event in the external world?”

Happiness doesn’t depend on your position or power; it depends on your inner self. A CEO, for
example, is not going to be happier than a manager or a policeman due to their difference in
position. It doesn’t work that way. All you need to do is live the life that is meant for you and
experience happiness along the way. When you close the Gap between the external and internal
worlds, you will encounter fewer challenges and less resistance and fear. You will have
completely transformed your experience of life.

Happiness is a choice you make moment to moment. Achieving that state is part of the journey.
As you can see from the Life Journey Model, it is only when you handle your challenges with
acceptance and surrender and follow your intuition that you experience true happiness. There is
less resistance, less pain and suffering and less attachment. When we do what we love and work
in a state of flow and joy we are overcome by feelings of freedom and happiness. Long-term
happiness is a process of constant acceptance and non-reaction to the world around us. When the
ego becomes smaller, inner happiness has a chance to flourish. This is the only route to true
happiness.
 9. THE RELATIONSHIP JOURNEY

We are not solitary, isolated creatures. On the journey of life, relationships play an important
role: we have relationships with our friends, colleagues, teachers, mentors, God and of course
ourselves. Some of these relationships exist primarily within the external world, others exist
primarily within our internal world and some cross both worlds. Relationships are part of the
Life Journey Model because the way in which we approach them can determine how happy and
content we are and how fulfilling life feels for us.

Internal divinity

In What You May Be, Piero Ferrucci26 tells a story about the creation of the universe. He says,
after the gods had created everything, including humans, they created the highest Truth. But then
they faced a problem: where should they hide Truth so that human beings would not find it
straight away? They wanted to prolong the adventure of the search.

“Let’s put Truth on top of the highest mountain,” said one of the gods, “Certainly it will be hard
to find it there.”

“Let’s put it on the farthest star,” said another.

“Let’s hide it in the darkest and deepest of abysses.”

At the end, the wisest and most ancient god said, “No, you will hide Truth inside the very heart
of human beings. This way they will look for it all over the Universe, without being aware of
having it inside themselves all the time.”

Somewhere, tens of thousands of years ago, someone – or perhaps a community of someones –

found the spirit within. They gave this experience of spirit, of divinity the name God. Some time
after this discovery, others started to search for divinity, too. Over the centuries, various groups
enshrined their notions of divinity in temples and rituals and religious institutions. For them,
Truth was to be found and experienced in the external world. Others, however, searched for
divinity in the external world and felt frustrated because they couldn’t find it there. They were
only satisfied when they finally followed the advice of the most ancient god in Ferrucci’s story
and looked within their own hearts. There, they experienced an awakening and came to know
and identify with the spirit within themselves. Some call this God, others use terms such as inner
divinity, inner Truth or inner self.

Our relationship with our own inner divinity is our most basic and primal relationship. We
cannot reach our true destination in life without it. Fortunately, it gives us all the help we need.
Our inner divinity will guide us towards our true mission and purpose in life. Through our
intuition, it will give us hints, insights, clues and ideas, as I mentioned in chapter seven. These
clues come to us in many ways: we might have an insight whilst walking in nature or talking
with a friend or reading a book or an article.

We often miss these messages because they occur below the threshold of our conscious
awareness. Our minds are too busy thinking about other things. When we open to our inner self
we must work from the inside out, rather than from the outside in. In other words, we need to pay
more attention to what we feel in our heart and less attention to all the voices clamouring around
us and telling us what to do. When you can do this, you will see that things naturally fall into
place. You may have the experience that doors open for you just at the right time. Our intuition
is in touch with the vast power of the universe. When I speak about listening to your intuition,
this is not different from listening to the universe. Intuition often speaks to you through your
feelings. The question is: are you ready to listen?

I once asked someone I know who is on his path and who has found love and his purpose in life:
“What is the difference between people who find and live their path and purpose and people who
don’t?’’ He said there is only one difference: people who find their path, purpose, happiness and
love are able to listen to their intuition and to messages from the universe.

False love

There are two kinds of so-called love. One is the true love of the spiritual world and the other is
the false love we find in the external world.

In the external world, people tend to be attracted to each other based on the similarity of their
thoughts and behaviours. Negative people are drawn together as much as positive people are. So-
called “beautiful people” are attracted to each other because of their physical forms, not
necessarily because of the beauty of their spirit. Beauty in the external world is relative and can
always be marred or destroyed.

When we meet someone and fall in love, it is just because the other person fills a basic egoic
need of ours. We think he or she will guarantee our happiness, fulfilment or sexual satisfaction.
Because we feel unhappy or empty, we look to someone else to supply those feelings and fill that
void for us. We think we have found the ideal person and we want to spend the rest of our lives
with him or her. After time, however, that person inevitably ceases to meet our needs. Our strong
feelings of love vanish and we’re left feeling emptiness and pain; we feel as if we’ve been
deceived. This is the nature of false love. Instead of love, it is our desire that takes over in the
beginning of the relationship. The other person gives our body pleasure and our ego a boost and
we feel excitement. But none of this changes the deep emptiness lurking within.

When I was 20, I fell in love with a woman. She was beautiful and very smart. We started off in
a great relationship and had a good time together. She provided me with a sense of love and
attention I felt was missing in my life. After a couple of months, however, I realised this was not
the complete and fulfilling relationship I was looking for and I decided to leave. She cried and
begged me to stay with her. Out of emotional weakness I did. After that, the relationship quickly
soured. If I turned on the radio to listen to a nice song from a famous singer, she became jealous
and angry. I lost control over my life and suffered for more than two years.
Jealousy and fear readily surface in relationships that are not built on true love. The partners live
in fear of losing one another and thus losing their main source for interpersonal support and
satisfaction. Love always seems at risk of slipping away.

In the external world, love is just a word trying to express a feeling. In general, if you have to use
the words “I think” when speaking about something in the world, then whatever it is, is not real
because thoughts only exist in your mind and therefore have no independent reality. Love is the
same way. Some people might say to their friends: “I think I love her”; but because they have to
think about it, their love exists only in the mind. They are confusing love with a thought about
love. Love in the external world amounts to no more than hanging on to an external person. It is
often confused with care, compassion, trust, companionship and support. These may be the
outcomes of love, though they aren’t love itself.

So what is true love?

True love

According to the philosopher Plato, we are born as separate individuals and each of us is always
looking for his or her other half. True love, according to this view, is the completion of our
separateness as an individual. Yet this love comes not from external attraction but from touching
the divine within one another. For Plato, entering into a personal relationship is not essential;
what matters is our ability to realise the divine.

A Chinese saying conveys the same principle: “You have been looking for your better half
everywhere, she is just very near you in the light.” In other words, if you want to experience true
love, look to the light, to the divine, rather than to the physical world.

Partners experiencing true love complement each other. It’s one of the most intense feelings you
can have. The feeling of true love is the same for both partners. They are not focused on each
other’s body, beauty or neediness. Their true love cannot be spoken in words; it can only be felt.
However, true love is not just an emotional feeling. It comes from the deepest level of our being.

A 65-year-old professor from the United States who took one of my workshops was married to a
Mexican woman. When I asked him how he knew she was his true love he started to mumble
and said, “Ah, how can I say? It’s... I don’t know how to explain. It’s… hard to say put into
words.” He started to cry. That’s when I knew he had found true love - not because of his crying
but because he couldn’t explain. In essence, true love is no different from your being. We can
say your being is divine, your being is love, your being is consciousness but all of these mean the
same thing.

The key to finding true love in relationships is your lack of selfishness and of egoic behaviour.
Instead of wanting to receive something from the other person, you are focused on giving to your
partner, as well as to all others. In The Course in Miracles, Helen Schucman says, “Your task is
not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have
built against it.” 27 Rejection is not an issue in this kind of relationship because the inner
connection feels unbreakable. If you truly love a person, you don’t have to fear if he or she will
hurt you. You know the person will not leave you and if for some reason they do leave, you can
let him or her go because you realise it was not true love after all. Acceptance of your partner is
unconditional when true love is present. You don’t define your partner on the basis of the ego.
Therefore, if any conflicts occur it is easy to surpass them, knowing that whatever is occurring
does not affect the inner self.

When two people are living together, and one of them is resting in the inner self while the other
is still caught up in egoic needs, the relationship can be especially challenging for the latter. The
ego is accustomed to living with discomfort, threat and conflict. If the enlightened person keeps
supporting the other person, that person’s ego will not know how to deal with this. One of two
things can happen: the enlightened one may be able to encompass the other into his or her way of
loving or the egoic one’s needs and fears will be so strong that he or she will retreat and run
away.

A participant at one of my workshops told me he had been separated from his wife for eight
years, even though they were still married. He was not sure what to do: file for a divorce or just
leave it as it is. He couldn’t move forward in life because they were still officially married; at the
same time, if he confronted her and said he wanted the divorce she would reject the idea because
she would be afraid he would not pay for her anymore. During the workshop, we discussed his
inability to find true love. He saw that he needed to let go of the false love from the past that he
was holding on to in order to become open to receiving something greater.

True love is one of the gifts of life. When you open up and walk your journey, the right people
will connect with you. The special woman or man with whom you are supposed to be with – if
you are supposed to be with one – will enter your life.

Finding love

How do we find true love? Paradoxically, true love cannot be found. It is part of our journey, and
so if we are on our path, sooner or later it will come our way. Our intuition is our guide in life, if
we follow our intuition we connect with the right people, we receive the right resources when we
need it and walk the right path to find our purpose. Intuition will also guide us to find love. The
two energies of love will connect with each other because your intuition will lead you towards it.

In fact, true love already exists within us at the core of our internal world and so ultimately no
external condition or other person is needed in order to experience it. Nevertheless, most people
want to find true love in the form of a relationship that is not based on false love. They often
spend many years searching for their one true love or soul mate. Actually, this has not always
been the case. In some countries, marriages were traditionally arranged for young people by their
family members. Their culture and religion did not recognise the value of true love in deciding if
individuals should marry. This practice is still observed in some places, although young people
more frequently have a say in the final decision. According to this system, an important life
event – such as marriage – is arranged whether or not it otherwise would be part of one’s life
journey. For example, even a woman does not have a boyfriend, she might have the goal of
marrying by a certain age. This goal is set by the mind, rather than being free to happen at any
moment. Of course, this is not to say that many people do not enjoy successful and happy
arranged marriages.

According to the Life Journey Model, if you want to find true love and it hasn’t yet appeared in
your life, you should first focus on your journey. Follow your intuition and make decisions that
place you in the right direction in your life. Once you are heading in the right direction,
everything will be given to you at the time you need it, including true love.

You may have noticed that sometimes strange things happen in life and initially you can’t
explain why they are happening. If you experience this, just relax. Know that it is all happening
for a reason. Take the story about finding true love that Lenny Ravich, a laughter expert, shared
with me. Lenny had a vision that his wife was waiting for him on a particular beach so he went
to the beach and sat there waiting for her. As he sat there, he saw two good-looking girls coming
out of the water, speaking Swedish or Danish. He thought, “Maybe, that’s her.” Then he heard a
voice saying, “No, your wife is an Israeli. Just be patient and you’ll find her. She’s not Swedish
and she’s not Danish.” Shortly after that, Lenny heard another woman talking and right away he
said to himself: “That’s her.” He was so confident that he walked over and introduced himself.
He told me that what followed was pure magic. The two were locked in together, as if they were
the only two people in the world. Afterwards, he said he couldn’t recall what they were talking
about but he remembered there was a lot of laughter. Today Lenny is retired and still married to
this woman he has loved since the moment he met her.

Like Lenny, when you find true love you will know it. It won’t be a mental kind of knowing and
you may or may not hear the specific guidance of an inner voice as Lenny did. However, you
will feel it in your heart and you will feel connected with yourself, as well as with the universe
around you. Ask yourself, “Do I feel good when I am with this person, without feeling that I
need him or her? Do I feel fulfilled in this relationship without wanting something from the other
person to make me feel good?” If the answers to these questions are yes, you have found true
love. When both of you are not bound together by neediness and expectations, you are free to be
in relationship with each other that is based entirely on true love.

I’m not suggesting that finding true love means your relationship will automatically be easy.
Grace and I went through many challenges, especially in our early years together. All
relationships require hard work as the partners grow and evolve together. You can expect
difficulties as well as joys. If you don’t nurture your relationship, one or the other of you may
start to feel another relationship would be better and as a result, you could split up. Of course, the
new relationship isn’t likely to be any better if it still isn’t nurtured. So honour the gift of true
love, remembering that love is always the highest power. If you can do this, your relationship
journey will be guided by love, transformed by love and be a source of great fulfilment.
 10. YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE

Each of us has a mission in life. We are born as spirit into a physical body, and our task is to find
our purpose in life. Our true mission is our life’s purpose; our journey is the way we reach that
purpose.

Along the way, we may become involved in three kinds of personal missions. Two of these are
creations of the egoic self and involve the pursuit of our own agenda; the third comes from the
inner self and is in harmony with the flow of the universe.

The Three Missions

The first mission is the mission of the external world. This mission is set by society and by our
parents and teachers. It is measured by external expectations and the success given to us when
we reach our goal. This is the mission by which most of us live our lives. We are always trying
to live up to others’ expectations. For example, your father might have been a doctor, and so
your parents expect you to follow in his footsteps. Or your teachers recognize your athletic
ability and expect you to get a scholarship linked to sports.

This kind of mission all too often results in unhappiness, confusion, fear, and doubt. In the worst
case scenario, it can result in death. People commit suicide because they are walking the wrong
journey in life and can’t live with the pain of being separated from their inner self anymore (see
the gap).

The second mission is the mission of thought (ego). This still takes place in the external world. It
is the result of decisions we make as we attempt to reach our goals and dreams. These goals can
be determined by our first mission or we may make them based on or influenced by our first
mission. In a mission of thought, we aim to reach a goal that has been formulated in our mind
and that does not reflect our innermost feelings and interests.

Often a mission of thought arises out of a question that has been answered by the mind, such as
the following: Who do I want to be? What do I want in life? What will make me happy? What
are my dreams? The mind takes up the question and goes searching for an answer. For example,
it thinks, “I want to become a musician because it will make me happy to perform in front of
people.”

It is not that hard to achieve the first and second missions. Our mind (ego) believes we will
receive something we want or think we need, such as financial freedom or public approval, and
so we work hard for it. Missions one and two can lead to wealth and external success, but often
also to inner emptiness. For example, high achievers may reach their destination in the corporate
or academic world, only to realize their true reward is not to be found there.
Unfortunately, it often takes the better part of a life to realize the first and second missions are
not our true mission. You can see on the Life Journey Model that it isn’t until midlife that people
tend to develop an awareness of the third mission. In the course of daily life, they come to see
that they don’t feel comfortable in the office, in their relationships, or even in themselves. They
are always trying to reach a certain inner feeling, but are not able to find it. They search for this
feeling in the external world, but it can’t be found externally.

The third mission is our true mission, and it takes place in our internal world. This mission has
no external or mental influence. Rather, it is related to our true purpose, and what we are born to
do. For example, becoming a musician isn’t based on the idea that performing for a crowd will
bring you happiness, but rather it is born out of your deep love for music.

Only those who dare to follow their intuition, open up to their spirit, and trust in the universe will
achieve their third mission.Viktor Frankl talks about this when he says, “Everyone has his own
specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands
fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated, thus, everyone's task is
unique as his specific opportunity to implement it.” 28

Often young children are in touch with their true mission because they are still free from external
influence. However, as they grow up and become increasingly exposed to social conditioning,
they tend to lose sight of this mission. It may seem silly or childish to them, and so they discard
it completely.

Discovering your true mission

Your mission might involve something you cannot see right now but that you can perhaps begin
to feel if you make the effort. Each small step you make in the present moment towards finding
your true mission will take you there. Understand that you are reaching for a mission that will be
greater than what you are experiencing in your life in its current form. This is the mission of your
spirit and you can find it if you trust your intuition and believe the universe will lead you where
you are meant to be. Sometimes the universe sends us messages or guidance in unexpected ways,
often after many years of walking on the wrong journey.

One example is of painter, Jack Meanwell. In 1947, he was working in the commercial art field
for $35 a week and feeling stifled because what he truly wanted to do was to devote all his time
and energy to painting. Soon after, his father-in-law offered him a substantially higher wage and
partnership in his small, family-owned coffee company. Jack took the job because he needed the
money and figured he could paint during his free time. In the years that followed, Jack painted as
a hobby but the business took most of his time. By 1972, he managed to put on several
exhibitions and was gaining some artistic success but his business partner, who worked literally
twelve hours a day, resented Jack’s divided focus. He set the company an ultimatum: buy him
out or sell out. This was a turning point for Jack. He said, “I sold my interest to him, picked up
my marbles and took off. It’s very tough to make a living in the arts and painting is hard work.
But I enjoy the process and I’m happy when I am stirring paints and playing around in my
workshop. It’s what I do and I am content.” 29 Jack might never have become the painter he felt
in his heart he could have been had he not finally heeded the message that came to him from the
universe and in the form of his partner’s ultimatum.

A few people are able to arrive at their true mission without making any particular effort. These
are the lucky few because they have the courage and ability to walk their inner journey without
receiving guidance or support from the external world.

This book is intended to help you discover your inner self and consequently put you in touch
with your true mission in life. Maybe by reading a certain chapter, paragraph, sentence or even
word of this book a spark will set you in your right direction.

My mission began after I left Belgium and moved to China. After a year and a half in China,
someone recommended I listen to an audiotape by a motivational speaker who was helping other
people find purpose and meaning in their life. I listened to it and I was inspired. I had the thought
that I wanted to be like the speaker. At that time, my ego was still involved. I identified with the
speaker and the mission I formulated was a mission of thought.

I started coach education training and also joined Toastmasters. People told me I had a natural
talent for public speaking but because my ego was involved, I had a few embarrassing moments
while speaking in public. The truth is I was pretending to be and act like the other speaker.
Instead of being myself I was acting in a false manner. During this time, I learned a few painful
lessons. I realised I had to be patient and let life handle the situation. The universe would let me
know when I was ready. My life unfolded in such a way that I had to find my own colour and
style. Based on this, I developed the Life Journey Model and began teaching and helping people
understand the journey of life; find their inner self and find meaning, purpose and love. My life
purpose will further develop and evolve; it’s a never-ending journey and so is yours.

So how do you find your mission or purpose in life?

The answer is very simple: you don’t have to find it. Your mission is already out there, waiting
for you. It’s in your heart. Your questions should be “Am I willing to listen to the hints and clues
my heart and the universe are giving me right now? Am I willing to surrender and step into the
unknown?”

A good exercise in finding your mission in life is by asking yourself what you wanted to become
when you were a child. What did you love to do when you were a child? Reconnect with the
person you were at that time and with what your spirit held as important. Put aside some play
time in your life, some time alone so you can rediscover this lost part of yourself. The only thing
you need to do is take the first step. Make the shift from the external world to your internal
world. Become aware of what is happening around you; notice your feelings and how you
respond to them in day-to-day life. If something makes you feel very comfortable, why is that?
What are you doing? Should you do more of it? Is there something you are rejecting in your life?
Is this because you don’t want it or because you are afraid to accept it?
It doesn’t matter if you don’t yet have any idea what you should be doing in your life; you can
still take action. Make a list of interests that you have and talk to people who are already doing
what interests you. See how you feel when you hear what they have to say. If you are looking for
a new job and you visit a new company, see how you feel when you walk into the building. The
feeling you get will tell you if this place is right for you or not. Try different things and see what
works. Have the courage to take some risks. Simply staying in your comfort zone will not help
you.

In Working Identity: Unconventional Strategies for Reinventing Your Career (2003) Herminia
Ibarra writes about a 46-year-old French American named Charlotte, who was a money
manager.She made the following list of possible career opportunities:

1. Become a headhunter
2. Something in communications or investor relations
3. Combine private banking with art
4. Be a broker at another firm (she had an offer)
5. Go back to college to study history
6. Do something related to food or wine
7. Do something that exploits bilingual background
8. Take an unknown luxury brand and make it international 30

The most important part of making such a list is taking action. At first you might not know for
sure which opportunity is right for you but you can discover this through experimentation and a
process of trial and error. To avoid falling into missions of the external world and missions of
thought, continually check that the opportunities you are following resonate in your heart. Ask
yourself, “Does this feel right for me?” For example, if you are considering becoming a
headhunter, go and talk to a headhunter. Notice how you feel when you walk into his or her
office: does it feel comfortable? If you want to go to college, find a college which attracts you,
go there, walk around, talk to a professor and some students and see how you feel. If you want to
do something related to food and wine, go to a wine seller and talk to an employee or go to a
local store that sells food and wine.

The key in each case is to find out what feels right for you. Once you know what feels right, hold
that feeling in your heart and see what opportunities present themselves. I’m not suggesting you
sit back passively; you do want to take action. However, it’s a fine line because you don’t want
to force your agenda as that would make this a second-level mission, fuelled by thought and the
ego. Instead, I’m suggesting you stay alert to the opportunities around you and act on those that
speak to you in the most obvious and compelling manner. Trust that the universe will put
everything in place to support and help you live your purpose.

When I arrived in Shanghai, being there felt right to me even though I had a huge financial
challenge. Nevertheless, it all worked out. Starting my own business was a huge step into the
unknown but within two months I had signed a large deal that gave me the necessary funds to
build my business further. So learn to trust what happens when you know you are making the
right choice in your heart. If you are unsure whether you are making the right choice, ask for
advice. Ask you inner self, “Is this the right opportunity for me?” The answer will come to you
in one form or another, you just have to be alert to hear it. Alternatively, you can flip a coin to
help you decide whether a course of action will be right for you or not.

Many people believe that some day they will simply arrive at their journey’s destination; they
expect that they will be happy with themselves, love what they do and be at ease and at peace
every single day. Well, most likely that day is not going to come by itself. Following your
mission in life is a journey which should be enjoyed. You may not find your purpose tomorrow
or in a few months but take the first step today – that is your most important task at this moment
in time. You might be afraid to do this but I can assure you that’s where your freedom lies.

How will you know if you have found your true mission? You will be solidly on your inner
journey and you will have discovered your inner self. You will no longer be filled with doubts or
questions about what you are looking for. Your emptiness will be replaced with a sense of
satisfaction and fulfilment and you will feel oneness with your self and with the actions you
perform.

Awakening

When we reach the stage of awakening, the external world no longer exists for us. What we
considered to be real in the external world takes on a surreal quality. The external forms seem to
become formless and meaningless.

Once during an evening gathering, I was asked who I was and I said, “I am nobody.”
Immediately people started to say, “Yes, you are somebody. You shouldn’t say that about
yourself.” However, when we awaken, we realise that we are nobody; we literally are no body.
Our identification with the bodily form is gone and we realise we are not the identity we thought
we were. We realise we are the spirit in the body, not the body itself.

Our identification with the limited, egoic self also disappears. We are left with pure emptiness.
This emptiness is our highest state of fulfilment; it is our highest, truest form. We are aware of
the inner self and know that we are one with our spirit; that we are our spirit. We understand
what Joseph Campbell meant when he said, “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.”31

In the awakened state, we have no more sense of separation from others, the world or ourselves.
We may be alone but we are never lonely. We understand that our bodies will die but our spirit
will not. Our spirit was never born, so it can never die. In the awakened state, we see that spirit is
eternal. We experience all the attributes of the internal world. If all of this seems too good to be
true, that is only because it can’t be understood intellectually; it can only be known through
direct experience.
Each of us has our own life path and purpose. Our roads are different and each experience we
have along the way will be different, but the destination is the same. Our journey towards
awakening may happen differently but our awakening itself will be the same. This is because
awakening grants an experience of oneness. We are able to see that the essence of the inner self
is the same within each human being. Awakening is not something to be achieved. Striving to
achieve awakening is doomed to miss the mark. You will miss it because awakening is
something that happens over time. For this reason, spiritual teachers can’t teach awakening they
can only teach spiritual growth. You can see awakening as a gift of life.

Awakening can be a slow process depending on how life works for you. For some people, it is a
sudden realisation. It can happen in a split second. For example, a loss, disease or accident can
jolt you into suddenly feeling you have lost everything but all you have left is your internal
world. You shift into the perspective of your spirit due to your loss of the external world. This
does not transform the situation; it is just the realisation of who you really are.

Awakened living is fulfilment; it is heaven on earth; it is home. It is not materialistic, it is the

fulfilment of our energy within the body. It is our connectedness with the universal spirit and the
alignment of our spirit with its purest form. There is no need for more because everything is
already there, even though it can appear to be nothing from the viewpoint of the external world.
Awakening is not just for people who practise meditation or yoga. It is possible for housewives,
mums, dads, grandparents and the neighbours next door. It is possible for the receptionist, postal
worker and factory worker. Awakening is not a choice; it is part of human experience. We all
make the same journey to enlightenment.

Most of the people we know about who are awakened or enlightened are spiritual teachers or
religious persons, such as Buddha, Lao Tzu and others. But there are other people out there –
business people, factory workers, writers – who are awakened and following their journey in life,
they just don’t feel any need to advertise their awakening to the rest of the world.

As I’ve shown in the model we awaken by following our journey, surrendering to life, accepting
what is, allowing the universe to give us messages, paying attention to our feelings and intuition
and enjoying the journey of life. After awakening your life will continue. You will keep living
and following your purpose. No one else may notice what has happened to you but the people
who know you well are likely to see that you are happier, smile more and are more relaxed.

Internal life rewards

Life rewards are given to you when you follow your purpose. You will be rewarded for each step
you take closer to your purpose. Life is a journey and you will begin to experience its rewards
along the way with glimpses of true love, happiness and joy. Research has shown that happier
people are healthier, miss fewer days of work and receive more positive evaluations from their
boss in the workplace than those who aren’t as happy. 32 However, as you meet new challenges,
enjoyment of these kinds of rewards is likely to come and go.
When you have reached the end of your journey, you are able to appreciate and enjoy all of your
life rewards at the same time. From that moment on, you are present with what you are doing and
aware of your inner self. You no longer have any attachment to the external world. Even though
the external world seems to exist, it is not really there. You do not experience the Gap anymore
and are no longer bothered by loneliness, negativity, mental and emotional pain or suffering. The
life reward is your most blissful state. It’s a state of total fulfilment from the moment you wake
up to the moment you go to sleep and it occurs without any effort on your part. The life reward
gives us:

• True, lasting happiness, experienced without any effort

• Love within yourself and for your loved ones and others
• The joy of doing what you love in your work and private life
• Being in the present moment and enjoying life
• The ability to go with the flow, both in your work and private life
• No fear or attachment to anything
• Financial freedom; you will find you have enough resources
• Total freedom and a sense of release
• Oneness, which is a sense of unity and fulfilment
• Positive emotions and feelings every single second

True success is living a life with these rewards. Truly speaking, they are already within you. It is
your choice to live your life in the awareness of your internal world at this moment. Using the
Life Journey Model can guide you to do this most effectively. Once you have started to follow
your internal journey, there is no turning back toward the external world. If you find your
purpose, there is no way back to a life without purpose. When you receive a true reward, it will
stay with you for a life time. Once you are awakened, you can’t go back to being “unawakened”.
Once you are totally free, there is no such thing as non-freedom.
 11. CONCLUSION

You don’t have to consider yourself a spiritual person or have a spiritual resume of any kind to
benefit from this book. I have written it for a readership of normal, ordinary people in mind –
people like me.

For thousands of years, spiritual teachers have described to humanity how to walk the internal
journey. In today’s environment, however, many of these teachings can sound too obscure, aloof
and impractical for working people to understand or apply. Few people want to leave their
families and jobs and retreat into the life of a monk or recluse. So my intention has been to
translate the essence of these ancient teachings in a way that makes it easier for you to
understand and relate to. Instead of becoming a monk, you only need to recognise your inner
monk – the inner core of your being that already exists within you.

All I can say, by way of a summary, is that you can choose between two paths: the external and
the internal journey. In each moment you can decide which journey you will walk. Similarly, you
can handle the challenges that face you on your journey in one of two ways: one way is to cling
to security and to follow your fears and the limiting thoughts that hold you back, the other is to
learn to surrender, follow your intuition, be willing to step into the unknown and do what feels
right.

As you walk the external journey, you eventually become aware that your external life is not
fulfilling and never will be. It hooks you on an endless search for something that cannot be
found. Nevertheless, this is not cause for blame: we are conditioned to walk this journey. The
external journey should not necessarily be seen as negative in itself, it is only when we remain
cut off from our internal world that the external journey can lead to suffering.

The Life Journey Model helps you recognise that a Gap exists within yourself and between your
internal and external worlds. This Gap is experienced as separation between heart and mind. It
leads to feelings of emptiness. The more you focus on practising the law of acceptance and on
letting go, the more peaceful you will be with yourself and your environment. At some point,
you will be able to bridge the Gap. Practising acceptance and letting go are not easy but each
action you take is a courageous movement towards a life with greater happiness and fulfilment.

You can choose whether to listen to your mind or your heart. That choice will determine your
future. If you want to feel truly happy and fulfilled, you need to be in touch both with your inner
world and your everyday reality. The true master of life is able to integrate both the internal and
external worlds. One of the keys to bridging the Gap is to fully experience life. This means being
an active participant, not just a passive observer. It’s only by taking action in your life that you
can discover what makes you feel fulfilled and gives meaning to what you do. Your life is a
journey that is for you and you only. You’re the only one who can decide which direction you
want to go.
You can think of the life journey as a labyrinth. We all start at a different entrance but when we
reach the core of the labyrinth – our inner monk, our inner self – the experience is the same for
all of us. Your inner self is who you really are, beyond your thoughts and personal agendas. It is
the experience of oneness, of divinity and of the universal spirit, regardless of the outer clothing
that may disguise it. Neither I nor anyone else can find the core for you; you will have to find it
for yourself. Along the way, your challenges will be different from mine but we all have to learn
to deal with them in the same way – by overcoming our fears and following our intuition.

Life presents many challenges and walking the internal journey takes courage, strength and
support from the people around you. Finding true love is part of your journey. Follow your heart
and you will discover how love comes into your life.

Your life purpose is a vision that develops and evolves over time. The key is to start with
something you are passionate about and follow your intuition. Life will let you know what to do
at each juncture and when to let go or take a step forward. The Life Journey Model is a tool you
can use to increase clarity and awareness in your life and in the lives of others. Now that you
have read through all the chapters and studied the steps in the Life Journey Model, where do you
start?

You can start today simply by following your journey. Take the first step on the journey or even
the hundredth step, if that is where you are. Know that you don’t have to spend your whole life
searching for happiness, love, joy, flow, awakening or your life reward. The actions you take
today are enough. When you take an action, the universe will help you on your journey. Tune
into what you feel at this exact moment; listen to what your heart is telling you and become more
conscious of your own inner self.
 About the author

Raf Adams was highly successful in the corporate world at a young age. However, his personal
life was anything but successful. He suffered from burnout when he was only 24 years old. Then
he had a moment of awakening that revolutionised his outlook on business and life. Today he
lives every day with nothing less than total happiness, joy, and love and wants to share his
experiences to help others live a true and fulfilling life.

Raf developed the Life Journey Model® to help others achieve what he has learned: to live: a life
that integrates spirit with the many facets of everyday life. His model appears in this book for the
first time in print to share his powerful message to help others so that they can discover their true
self and benefit from their talents. Follow Raf’s clear and practical instructions to apply this
model to your life as it is today and enjoy the immediate results. Raf is a professional coach and
speaker in helping people to lead from the power within.

www.rafadamscompany.com
 Further Information

For more information, please contact me by emailing raf.adams@rafadamscompany.com. I

welcome your comments, suggestions and questions. I am also available for speaking
engagements, corporate workshops, public workshops and coaching. My dream is to help and
inspire others to follow and live their journey and to make the world a better place.

Visit www.rafadamscompany.com for more information about Life Journey workshops and
Authentic Leadership corporate workshops.

AUTHENTIC LEADERSHIP WORKSHOPS

We enable senior executives and leaders to enjoy the means to a happier life and career. Learn
how to lead yourself toward enhanced effectiveness and purpose. Executive workshops
incorporate tried-and-true wisdom and 21st century self-management techniques including
executive coaching.

THE LIFE JOURNEY WORKSHOP

This down-to-earth, spirit-based workshop is designed to help you reassess your life journey.
Engage in a process of self-discovery and self-reflection and gain a better understanding of the
true meaning and purpose of life. Learn how to access the foundation of lasting happiness.

THE RAF ADAMS PROJECT

Our mission is to build a worldwide platform that helps individuals along the journey of life.
Receive timeless answers to your most profound questions about life, happiness, meaning,
purpose, love, joy and more. It is a non-for profit project that supports people with timeless
answers to one’s life questions. Feel free to contact me at raf.adams@rafadamscompany.com.
Write any question you have about life and I will write the answer and distribute on the mailing
list. This will help us all to become happier, live a fulfilling life and make the world a better
place.

Raf Adams
Shanghai
January 2012
 Life Journey Model Glossary of Key Terms

Acceptance: Allowing things to happen, to embrace change. Being open to receiving from the
internal and external worlds and act with non resistance. Acceptance is the means for inner
growth; accepting what occurs in the external world. Acceptance of all changes and challenges in
life.

Accidents: Physical injury or loss that can occur when following the external journey.
Sometimes serves as a catalyst for us to start walking the internal journey.

Awakening: The end of suffering and a state of total bliss. We can spontaneously wake up and
realise our true self or it can happen as a result of intentionally detaching your ego identity from
anything external.

Awareness: Direct perception through which we learn about ourselves and the world around us.
On the internal journey, awareness focuses on who we really are beyond our mind, ego.
Awareness is personal.

Birth/death: We are all born in our bodies and some day we shall leave the earth through the
death of the body.

Challenges, external: Difficulties we can encounter in the external world, for example,
accidents, career problems, relationship problems. Challenges can also be choices you have to
make.

Challenges, internal: Difficulties in the internal world that mark a need for change or growth.
The universe provides challenges to help us grow and move forward. Challenges may not make
sense when they occur and we only realise their meaning and significance later. This can also be
choices you have to make.

Choice: We have the choice to follow either the external or internal journey.

Consciousness: see Awareness. Living in the internal world is living consciously, constantly
aware of ourselves and the environment around us and open to receiving signs from the universe.
Consciousness is constant, while awareness is ever-changing.

Crisis: A stressful constellation of events that we can understand as a message from the universe
demanding that we make a change. We can either resist accepting the crisis and build up more
resistance or surrender being non resistant, accept and start walking the internal journey.

Ego: False sense of self. The beliefs we have about ourselves, who we are and our identity.
Emotions, negative: On the external journey, if we don’t allow ourselves to connect with our
true self, we can develop negative emotions (e.g., unhappiness, sadness, fear, anxiety, anger,
frustration, jealousy, envy).

Emotions, positive: If we surrender and follow our heart and our purpose on the internal
journey, positive emotions will arise (e.g., love, joy, bliss, hope, gratitude, trust, optimism).

Emptiness, external: If we search for and never find what we want in the external world, we
will feel unfulfilled and empty within. A life without meaning and fundamental purpose of being.

Emptiness, internal: The experience of true being beyond the confines of the ego. It is
nothingness, pure energy. Connecting with our inner emptiness and energy brings complete
fulfilment.

Energy: The source of existence is pure energy. Energy may not be visible, but it nevertheless
takes the form of all objects, emotions, and actions and underlies all of life.

Excitement/pleasure: Often confused with happiness. Excitement and pleasure do not last and
are focused on the short term (e.g. based on drugs, sex, alcohol). When the excitement is over,
emptiness returns.

Fear: Emotion that anticipates a danger or other negative consequence can keep us from moving
forward in life (e.g., fear based on past failure, fear of losing oneself [ego]).

Flow: The experience of being on our true path, loving what we do and allowing things to
happen. Perceiving the natural order of the universe and moving smoothly and joyfully in
harmony with it.

Future/past: In the external world, we tend either to live to achieve something in the future or to
live in the past and let past failures, beliefs and experiences hold us back.

Gap: The discrepancy between what we think we want and need from the external world and
what our true self really wants. The Gap between our internal and external worlds. The Gap
between our minds and hearts. The larger the Gap, the more unhappiness; the shorter the Gap,
the more happiness.

God, external: The conceptual and symbolic God (e.g. a bearded man in heaven watching over
us). Different religions depict and relate to their God in different ways.

God, internal: The universal God. Oneness with the universe. The ultimate Truth. All is being
and comes from the same source.

Happiness: Lasting happiness comes from connection with the true self. We think happiness in
every moment is unattainable but the more we follow our inner guidance and detach from the
external, the more internal happiness arises. The universe has designed for every individual to be
happy, not unhappy. Happiness is being.
Healing: Restoring the connection with the true self. Often a tremendously emotional period.
Closing the Gap is a healing period.

Health: Living without resistance within ourselves, less negative emotions arise, which
increases the chances of living a healthy life, healthy body.

Illness: Physical or mental ailment, occurring in the external world. Inner resistance and
negative emotions increase the chance of burnout or of disease, such as cancer, afflicting the
body.

Intuition: Signal or message from our inner self. Whenever we have a challenge, our intuition
will guide us in the right direction. Rationally it might not make sense but in the heart it feels
right.

Journey, external: The pursuit of something external while living in external world. Many
people waste decades of their life by walking only on the external journey and realise at a late
stage of life that what they were pursuing could not fulfil them.

Journey, internal: The inner journey is filled with joy and leads us to our life purpose and
destination. No one can tell us what our internal journey is; we have to discover it for ourselves.

Learning, through awareness: In the internal world, we learn through experience and
awareness. Insights cannot be taught but must be learned through practice and direct experience.
Awareness is individual.

Learning, through knowledge: In the external world, we learn through acquiring information.
The more we know, the more successful we think we will become. Knowledge is universal.

Letting go: see Surrender

Life: Encompasses life in both the external and internal worlds. Also used to refer the events and
daily circumstances that are encountered on and that influence our life journey.

Life reward: When we walk on our internal journey, the universe naturally provides us with
experiences and the right people, such as inner happiness, true love and fulfilling work. All these
come to us without any effort on the life journey.

Love, false: In the external world, relationships are formed based on what we want and need
from others. We fail to connect with the right people because we are not open to receiving and
are not following our internal journey. False Love is egoic wanting and needing from another
person.

Love, true: True love cannot be understood by the mind. When you follow your internal
journey, the right people enter your life and true love can be experienced. True love takes away
your fears, doubts and beliefs and opens you to giving. True love is completeness. One person
completes and connects with the energy of the other. Together they are whole.

Mission, external: The pursuit of a life-long mission, based on the mind. External goals (e.g.
becoming a lawyer, psychologist or CEO) are set by and validated by the society. People falsely
believe that completing an external mission will give them fulfilment, joy and happiness. It could
be a CEO only for money, a lawyer only for money.

Mission, internal: What we are born to do, our true purpose in life. This purpose cannot be
imposed on us; it must be discovered by us. Engaging in our internal mission will give us
fulfilment, joy and happiness. It could be a CEO with purpose, a lawyer with purpose.

Motivation, external: Inspiration coming only from the external world. Externally motivated
people are working against their own nature, their own purpose and so need to push themselves
to move forward. This is temporary motivation, which needs constant stimulation.

Motivation, internal: Inspiration coming from the internal world. Internally motivated people
are passionate about their work and life. This is long-lasting motivation which is naturally there.

Oneness: Being at one with our inner self and the universe. Aligned with our heart and soul and
following the internal God. The more we walk the internal journey, the more oneness we
experience.

Pain/suffering: Holding on to what we have (e.g. objects) and on to our fears creates pain and
suffering. Pain and suffering can be mental, emotional and physical and occurs when we don’t
connect with our true self. We experience it when we don’t resolve past emotional issues or
conflicts.

Present: The here and now, as experienced on the inner journey. When we live in the present
moment, we enjoy every day. Although we may work toward a vision of the future, we don’t
worry about how the future will unfold, we trust.

Purpose: see Mission

Rejection: Refusal of the ego to accept the world as it is. Resistance toward initiating change
(e.g. to deal with an unsatisfying career, unhappy relationship), toward accepting events (e.g.
accidents, death) or toward input from others.

Self, false: see Ego

Self, inner: see Spirit. Our inner being, our true nature.

Separation: The sense of being disconnected from our true self. When we feel separate, we
search in the external world for our identity, validation, approval and fulfilment, however, these
can only be found in the internal world. The larger the Gap, the greater the separation and
unhappiness.
Spirit: Our true self and inner energy that enlivens our body. and connects with the higher
source, divine.

Success, external: Achieving fame, power, money and all that society defines as desirable. We
follow what is shown to us by the external world instead of what the universe shows us. External
success is short lived and is accompanied sooner or later by feelings of emptiness and the desire
for more achievements.

Surrender: Letting go. Allowing things to happen. Stepping into the unknown, not knowing
what will happen. Often this is frightening because we feel we will lose control of ourselves and
our lives. Surrender does not mean giving up or giving in to others.

Thoughts: The result of mental activity, used to guide life in the external world. For instance,
when facing a challenge, we believe a rational decision made by our mind is the only right
choice.

Uncertainty: State of not knowing what happens when we surrender and follow our intuition.
Living with uncertainty brings total freedom. The universe will help us and bring the right things
into our life when we need them.

Unconsciousness: Not being aware that there is more in life beyond the external world. People
who identify themselves with the external world live unconsciously, as if on autopilot.

Unhappiness: Negative emotion, resulting when we do not connect with our true self and
instead search for something external. The longer the external journey lasts, the more unhappy
we become. Often, we are unaware of the reason for our unhappiness.

Universe: see God, internal. The vastness of creation, a higher power. Used to signify the
source of knowledge greater than that of our mind.

Wants and needs, external: We crave money, expensive cars, houses, fame, position,
excitement and pleasure and other objects from the external world to satisfy our empty feeling.

Wants and needs, internal: Manifestation of the spirit to express itself and give (e.g. through
love, passion, purpose) to others in the external world. Works from the inside out.

World, external: The world of objective reality, the world of the physical sciences. The world
around us as we know it and see it with our eyes. Our houses, cars, clothes, money, jobs.

World, internal: The world of subjective reality, the world of spiritual people. This world
cannot be seen with the eyes. It is a world of inner experiences and is linked to the universe,
energy, happiness and spirit. Because we can’t see the internal world, we believe it is less
important or not real.
 NOTES

FOREWORD

1. James, W., The Letters of William James Vols 1 and 2, (Boston: The Atlantic Monthly
Press, 1920).

2. Leo Tolstoy, “Three Methods Of Reform” in Pamphlets, translated from the Russian
(1900) as translated by Aylmer Maude in Redfern, P., Tolstoy: A Study, (London: A.C.
Fifield, 1907), p.100.

CHAPTER 2 - HOW IT ALL BEGAN

3. Elaine Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person (New York: Broadway Books, 1997).

4. Nancy Ann Tappe, Understanding Your Life Through Color (Carlsbad, CA: Starling
Publishers, 1982); Lee Carroll and Jan Tober, The Indigo Children: The New Kids Have
Arrived (Carlsbad, CA: 2004).

5. Isabel Briggs Myers, Gifts Differing: Understanding Personality Type (Mountain View,
CA: Davies-Black Publishing, 1980).

6. Joseph Campbell, The Hero with a Thousand Faces (New York: Pantheon, 1949).

7. Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist: A Fable About Following Your Dream (New York:
Harper San Francisco, 1995).

CHAPTER 3 - THE LIFE JOURNEY MODEL

8. Joseph Campbell, The Hero with a Thousand Faces (New York: Pantheon, 1949).

9. M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values
and Spiritual Growth (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1978), 285–286.

10. Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist: A Fable About Following Your Dream (New York:
Harper San Francisco, 1995).

CHAPTER 4 - THE EXTERNAL JOURNEY

11. Sonja Lyubomirsky, The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life
You Want (New York: Penguin Press, 2007).

12. Sandy Gluckman, “Business Team Building, Step 1: Recognizing How Ego Shows Up”
(http//:sandygluckman.com, 2008).
 13. Elizabeth Kolbert, “Everybody Have Fun: What Can Policymakers Learn from
Happiness Research?” New Yorker Magazine (2010, March 22).

14. Daniel Gilbert, Stumbling on Happiness (New York: Knopf, 2006).

CHAPTER 5 - THE GAP

15. South China Morning Post, Saturday August 20, 2011 A3

16. Diane K. Osbon, Ed. Reflections on the Art of Living: A Joseph Campbell Companion
(New York: Harper Perennial, 1995), 18.

17. Fritz Perls, The Gestalt Approach & Eye Witness to Therapy (New York: Bantam Books,
1973).

18. Judith Orloff, Second Sight: An Intuitive Psychiatrist Tells Her Story and Shows You
How to Tap Your Own Inner Wisdom (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2010).

CHAPTER 6 - DISCOVERING YOUR INNER WORLD

19. Joseph Campbell, The Hero with a Thousand Faces (New York: Pantheon, 1949).

20. Lao Tzu, Stephen Mitchell, trans., Tao Te Ching (New York: Harper Perennial, 1991), 22.

CHAPTER 7 - CHALLENGES

21. M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled, (New York: Touchstone, 2003), p15.

CHAPTER 8 - TRANSFORMING YOUR EXPERIENCE

22. Bukkyo Dendo Kyokai, The Teaching of Buddha (Tokyo, Japan: Author, 1966), 5.

23. Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, I Am That (Durham, NC: The Acorn Press, 1973), 252–253.

24. Sophocles, Oedipus Rex, Line 1184, Second Messenger.

25. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person (New York, Birch Lane, 1998)

CHAPTER 9 - THE RELATIONSHIP JOURNEY

26. Piero Ferrucci, What You May Be (New York: Tarcher, 1982), p.143.

27. Helen Schucman, A Course in Miracles (Mill Valley, CA: Foundation for Inner Peace,
2000), 162

CHAPTER 10 - YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE

28. Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning, (Beacon Press, 1963)

29. Greg Levoy, Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life (New York: Three
Rivers Press, 1997), 243.

30. Herminia Ibarra, Working Identity: Unconventional Strategies for Reinventing Your
Career (Boston, MA: Harvard Business School Press, 2003), 40-41.

31. Diane K. Osbon, Reflections on the Art of Living: A Joseph Campbell Companion (New
York: Harper Perennial, 1995), 15.

32. Sue Shellenbarger, “Thinking Happy Thoughts at Work,” Wall Street Journal (2010,
January 27).