A N T H O N Y R O B B I N S

ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP PROGRAM

TM

10 DAYS TO TRANSFORM
YOUR LIFE WHERE IT COUNTS MOST!

Created by:

Anthony Robbins & Cloé Madanes

 Create an Extraordinary Relationship Now!

Welcome to the ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP PROGRAM! This Action

Book is designed to be your guide as you embark upon this 10-day
journey to massively improve the quality of your personal relationships.
Over the course of this program, we are going to explore, evaluate,
and discover the secrets of bringing greater passion and fulfillment
to your present relationship. And if you are not presently in a
relationship, we will identify the skills and the qualities that will
enable you to make a successful selection, avoid typical pitfalls,
and develop the love of your life. We believe that nobody can enjoy
a fulfilling relationship long-term without cultivating 7 Master
Relationship Skills and observing the 10 Disciplines of Love and
Passion. These are the essential skills and personal standards that
will guide you to strengthen your relationship even during times
of stress, uncertainty, and transition.
The lessons you learn here and 7 Master Relationship Skills can be
applied to any other relationships in your life as well. However, our
core focus is really on the intimate relationship you have or want to
create. This intimate relationship, as the emotional core of your life,
will affect all of the other relationships in your life.
Specifically, we will focus on three things:
1. How to create or rejuvenate an extraordinary,
passionate relationship on all levels
2. How to deal with the inevitable challenges that show up
3. How to nurture and expand your relationship so you
never stop growing and continue to experience greater
joy, love, fulfillment, and passion
You'll begin by listening to the 10-day audio program, which forms
the backbone of this program. Days one and two will help you to
understand your current personal relationships, define what kind of
relationships you would like to enjoy in your life—whether or not
you are with someone right now—and to summarize the foundational
principles for making your relationship extraordinary. The remaining
eight days are special on-the-spot interventions between Tony and
individuals and couples at Tony's live seminars. Narrated by Cloé
Madanes, each of these unique sessions focuses on cultivating one of
the 7 essential relationship skills and the 10 core disciplines which
create a compelling, heartfelt, loving, and passionate relationship.
Relationship is complex and challenging, but we've designed this
program with Tony and Sage to be nearly foolproof. If you develop
these 7 Relationship Skills and practice the 10 Disciplines of Love
and passion with a compatible partner, we believe your relationship
must improve greatly! Thousands of individuals and couples have
used this program to find the love of their lives. We invite you to
“The greatest science in the world;

try it, apply yourself, and create the relationship of your dreams!
in heaven and on earth; is love.” Warmly,

—Mother Teresa Cloé Madanes Mark Peysha

Narrator and co-author Director and co-author
2 3
 HOW TO USE THIS PROGRAM
As you experience the audio program in sequence, please feel free
to watch the DVD films at your leisure and in any order. These
films are an especially effective way to share this program with others,
since they are fun to watch and discuss together. The films are
longer and more comprehensive than the audios, so please make
sure to watch at least one in order to get the full experience. For
your convenience, we've included a short “Sneak Preview” DVD,
featuring theatrical trailers of the films. If you have a only a few
minutes free to watch, pop in this trailer DVD to get a taste of
these films. Please feel free to share these with friends and family,
who will quickly get an idea of what this program is about.

As you listen to the audio program and see the films, you will be
able to witness over and over how the 7 Relationship Skills and the
10 Disciplines are applied to your relationship to create results in
real-life situations. We have found that when even one of these
critical skills is lacking, it is the basis of upset, hurt, anger, frustration,
and fear. When they are present, however, magic happens and an
exemplary relationship is created and sustained. Many relationships
have great foundations, but are brought lower because of a single
“weak point”—a loss of passion, a point of chronic disagreement,
or a problem trusting. The 7 Master Relationship Skills will help
you to identify and address the weak points, bringing almost
instantaneous improvement.

Finally, while you will learn immensely from just listening to the
audios and watching the films, it is crucial that you take action in
your actual relationships. Follow Tony's assignment at the end of
each audio, and use the pages that follow to answer lingering
questions, brainstorm solutions, and discover life-altering distinctions.
Each day's chapter begins with a scorecard of the 7 Relationship Skills,
where you can sharpen your observations of that day's session. A
second section will cover the main points to remember about that
day's lesson and will give you helpful exercises to apply to your
own life. Finally, each chapter concludes with Tony's assignment
to you. Please make sure that, at the very least, you go to Tony's
assignment at the end of each chapter—this is where your progress
will be greatest.

FOR SINGLES: This program is not only about improving present

relationships—it is about finding a vision for your ideal relationship,
strengthening yourself in communication, feeling, and awareness,
avoiding the typical relationship obstacles, and taking essential
“That love is all there is, is all we know of love.”
steps towards fulfillment. The last thing you want is to repeat the
mistakes of your past. Use the following exercises to understand
your own past relationship patterns and to become the best person
—Emily Dickinson
you can be, so that you can attract a partner of the same high quality.
4 5
 ACTION BOOK
TABLE OF CONTENTS

Day 1

Lovers for Life: The Path of Lasting Passion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9

Day 2

The Secrets to Outstanding Relationships:

The 7 Master Skills & The 10 Disciplines of Love . . . . . . . . . . . 21

Day 3

Back from the Edge: Creating Everlasting Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47

Day 4

Breaking Through: Creating the Life That You Deserve . . . . . . . 67

Day 5

From Selfish to Selflessness: The Liberating Power

Unconditional Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87

Day 6

Relationship Storms: Man Enough to Stay the Course . . . . . . . . 107

Day 7

The Power of Connection: Rekindling Intimacy

with Your Lover . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 123

Day 8

Taking Off Your Mask: The Power of Light and Dark . . . . . . . . 145

Day 9

Finding Your True Passion: The Power of Honesty in Action . . 165

Day 10

You Come First, My Love: The Power of Alignment . . . . . . . . . 189

“There isn’t any formula or method.

Reclaiming Your True Identity: The Power of Vulnerability . . . 211

Bonus Session:

You learn to love by loving.”

ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP PROGRAM: AT-A-GLANCE . . . . . . . . . . . . 233

ABOUT THE AUTHORS: TONY ROBBINS AND CLOÉ MADANES . . . . 239

—Aldous Huxley

6 7
 DAY 1

Lovers for Life:

The Path of Lasting Passion

“True love begins when

nothing is looked for in return.”

—Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

8 9
 DAY 1: LOVERS FOR LIFE: THE PATH OF LASTING PASSION

Relationships: There is perhaps no other word loaded in the English

language with so many meanings, emotions, opinions, fears, heart-
break, or joy. Yet, there is nothing more important. We can have
amazing kids, a great job, a fit body, financial abundance, emotional
strength, and spiritual resolve and yet, without someone to share all
of this with, it brings less meaning to our lives. If you've ever had
the privilege of experiencing great love, you know firsthand the
power it has to transform virtually every facet of your life.

Extraordinary relationships are not the result of good luck, great

chemistry, or convenience. Rather, there are laws of love—skills
we need to hone, practice, and apply—which determine the amount
of fulfillment we experience in our intimate lives. Specifically, the
7 Master Skills and the 10 Disciplines of Love and Passion are the
backbone of this program, and create the base of any outstanding
relationship.

The ultimate key to creating and experiencing an extraordinary,

fulfilling relationship, however, is to first work on you: to overcome
your fears, to be more of who you really are at your core, and to
master the skills and disciplines that will not only transform your
relationships, but the quality of your entire life as well. When you
raise your standard for what you expect from yourself in this area,
you will naturally call out the best in your partner.

THE THREE LEVELS OF MASTERY

To attain the level of mastery that will fulfill us at the deepest level,
there are three levels we must achieve in any area of life:

LEVEL 1: Cognitive Understanding

You understand it intellectually.

LEVEL 2: Emotional Mastery

“Neither a lofty degree of intelligence

You feel it emotionally.

nor imagination nor both together go to
LEVEL 3: Physical Mastery
You embody it and own it in your physiology.
the making of genius. Love, love, love,
If you want to create substantial results in your life, mere knowledge
is not enough. Anything you learn and want to apply to your life
must go through several levels of mastery. Beginning with Cognitive
that is the soul of genius.”

Understanding, you have an insight about what works, what doesn't

work, and what must be done to create the results you want. The
next level is Emotional Mastery, when you feel emotionally the
—Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

necessity of applying yourself to making this change real. However,

10 11
the real results come with Physical Mastery, when you not only THE SIX POSITIONS OF RELATIONSHIPS
know and feel what must be done, but you repeatedly apply your
Before you embark on any journey, it's a good idea to know where
knowledge to your life until it becomes a pattern in your body. For
you're going. As we set off to create the ideal relationship, the first
example, you may begin by understanding that a certain behavior
step is to understand where you are. In fact, everyone is in one of
of yours always creates friction and problems in relationships: let's
six positions in regards to relationship.
say, a tendency to be controlling with your partner. You may even

1
repeatedly feel that change is important enough to try a different
Position One: A magnificent relationship with love
direction in your relationship. However, it is not until you commit
and passion.
to, repeat, and condition a different approach in your life that
you create a new relationship pattern that will bring permanent This is what relationship is all about: all of the fun,
improvement. Passionate relationships are not for the lazy! spontaneity, intimacy, excitement, passion, closeness,
and devotion. When you're in position one, you never
When you encounter a relationship pattern in your life that needs want it to end. This is “the zone” for relationship!
to change, make sure that you take consistent massive action to

2
create a new pattern in your relationship. For lasting change, Position Two: A relationship with love, but little
take your understanding to the level of physical mastery. When or no passion.
you own something at Level 3, Physical Mastery becomes part of
You have a deep love with your partner, and your friends
your identity. This is the only way for a transformation in any
and family think you have a good, stable relationship.
area of your life to last.
However, you no longer have the passion, juice, fun, and
excitement you want. You feel more like family members
than lovers. You may have had this passion in the past and
grown comfortable, or you may not ever have had it in the
first place. The good news is, it's possible to move from
Position Two to Position One within minutes or seconds!
This is an exciting place to be, as the rewards can be immediate.

Key Principle

The only difference between an intimate relationship

and a friendship is intimacy.

3
Position Three: A relationship with not much love,
not much passion.
You and your partner may live together, and you may be
comfortable, but there is no deep emotional involvement.
There may be friction between you, as neither of you feels
very loved or wanted, or possibly you have each found ways
to meet the majority of your needs outside of the relationship.
If the great majority of your attention, focus, and interest is
on work, hobbies, family (other than your partner), friends,
Out of the Mouths of Babes
etc., you are probably in Position Three. What's difficult
about this position is that you may feel your partner is a
How would you make a marriage work?

good person—not good enough to get excited about, not

“Tell your wife that she looks pretty
bad enough to leave. However, this position shows a
even if she looks like a truck.”

deterioration of the relationship and will only get worse

as time goes by, unless you turn it around.
—Ricky, age 10

12 13
4 6
Position Four: You are planning your escape. Position Six: You are out of a relationship, and don't
You're with your partner, but you were in Position Three want to be in one.
for so long that now you've got your finger on the button. While this position may be comfortable, private, and consistent,
You don't feel committed to making the relationship work, you are missing out on one of the greatest emotional experiences
you're just waiting for the right conditions to leave. Maybe of life! Ask yourself: do you really want to live and die
you're waiting for the kids to go to college, maybe you're alone? Do you never want to be loved and worshiped by a
waiting for finances to change. This position—where there lover whom you love and worship? We believe that love is
is no love, friendship, or romance, and there is only the prime motivation and the prime area of spiritual growth
procrastination and lying—can be extremely destructive for human beings. It is tempting to rationalize and say that
for children to witness. You need to move up to Positions you don't need relationship—but that is usually just fear.
One and Two, or you need to make a move out of the If you're in Position Six, you need to see some new
relationship. The ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP PROGRAM will examples of how relationship can be. Watch the films and
support you with either decision—though you won’t have see the turnarounds. If you really think you never want a
your “final answer” until at least the tenth day. Either way, relationship again, at least complete the entire ten day
make a commitment and give yourself a deadline. The cost program before making that decision. Give yourself ten
of staying in Position Four in the long term? A feeling that days to witness what can be possible in relationship, then
you never tasted what life is about, a lifetime of stress, make up your mind.
fear, and rationalization. And a terrible example for your
children of what life and relationship is about. Don't let
your life slip away while you wait and delay.
Why Have Relationships?

5
Position Five: You are out of a relationship, but want The purpose of relationships is to magnify
to be in one. human emotion and experience.
You have either never been in a committed relationship,
you've made your escape from a prior relationship, or your
partner has left you. You may have been in this position for
some time, concerned about repeating the experiences of
your prior relationship. While this position holds much pain
for most people, it is also a place of opportunity. The
ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP PROGRAM will help you to clarify
the kind of relationship you want and the kind of shifts and
actions that will get you there. If you are getting over the
loss of a previous relationship, be careful that you don't start
to take on beliefs that will be destructive to future possible
relationships. It's tempting to make generalizations about
the opposite sex, or the type of person or relationship you
were with before. Instead, develop a checklist for what you
did and didn't do in that previous relationship. If you work
on yourself, clarify your priorities, and take the proven steps
in this program, you will be headed towards Position One
very soon!

14 15
 DO IT NOW: DAY 1 ASSIGNMENT
Be Honest . . .
Notes

_______________________________________________________
1. What is your ultimate vision for your intimate relationship?
_______________________________________________________ What do you want to create, give, have, share and
become in this area of your life? What is your compelling
_______________________________________________________ vision for love, intimacy, passion, connection, and fun?
_______________________________________________________ Describe the relationship, not the partner.

_______________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________

_______________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________

_______________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________ 2. Which of the six relationship positions are you really in?

_______________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
“Love is a condition in which the happiness
_______________________________________________
of another person is essential to your own.” _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
—Robert Heinlein

16 17
 5. What would it take to change it all? What fears, beliefs,
or past memories can you transform to go to the next
3. If you're in a relationship, which position is your partner

level? What do you need to do now to create the

in? Why do you think so? What have you felt or observed?
_________________________________________________ relationship you desire and deserve?
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_______________________________________________ ________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _______________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_______________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_______________________________________________ _______________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

4. What has been preventing you from taking your relationship

Notes

to the next level? What beliefs, behavior patterns, or _________________________________________________

emotions have held you back from taking the next step?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

18 19
 DAY 2

The Secrets to Outstanding Relationships:

The 7 Master Skills &

The 10 Disciplines of Love

“There is no hope of joy

except in human relations.”

—Antoine de Saint-Exupery

20 21
 DAY 2: THE SECRETS TO OUTSTANDING RELATIONSHIPS:
THE 7 MASTER SKILLS & THE 10 DISCIPLINES
OF LOVE

What makes a relationship extraordinary? The truth is there are many

factors that play into the textures, dance, and quality of human relations.
A truly magnificent love affair is the result of the commitment to a
daily practice: the ongoing mastery of the fundamental skills necessary
for an extraordinary relationship and the disciplines to hold yourself,
your thoughts, and your actions to the standards that bring out the
best in you and your partner.

7 SKILLS AND 10 DISCIPLINES

The 7 Master Relationship Skills and the 10 Disciplines of Love are
the laws of love: the rules for creating a legendary relationship. The
universe operates according to certain laws. If we don't pay heed to
these laws, we get the same consequence every time. If we ignore
the law of gravity, we will fall. We believe the 7 Relationship Skills
and the 10 Disciplines are the natural laws of intimate relationships.
If you choose to ignore these skills and disciplines, it's like ignoring
the law of gravity, and there's a price to be paid for that.

Every relationship requires these 7 Relationship Skills, whether

it's a friendship, a family relationship, or an intimate relationship.
However, sometimes skills are not enough. In order to enjoy and
magnify any relationship to the fullest, you also need high standards:
a set of daily disciplines for how you will show up in that relationship
no matter what. If you consistently apply the Master Relationship
Skills and live the Disciplines of Love, you will create a legendary
relationship filled with joy, passion, fun, ecstasy, and love.

“The day will come when, after harnessing

the winds, the tides and gravitation, we shall

harness for God the energies of love. And on that

day, for the second time in the history

of the world, man will have discovered fire.”

—Teilhard de Chardin

22 23
THE 7 MASTER SKILLS THE 10 DISCIPLINES OF LOVE

1 1
Heartfelt Understanding The Discipline of Putting Your Lover First: It’s Not
When anything is perceived to be more important than your About You!
partner, the relationship is not going to go to the ultimate Put your lover’s feelings and needs first. When you are
depth of love. Understand and empathize with your partner’s feeling pain you are focused on yourself.
emotional patterns and commit to being there for them.
2
The Discipline of Loving No Matter What: The Power of

2
Give Your Partner What They Really Need Love, Adoration, & Praise
As long as you’re focusing on what you’re not getting, Withholding your gift is the only source of pain. With real
you’re never going to be in a place of being a giver, which love, you love through pain, joy, fear. Love penetrates all.
is what makes a relationship grow. The only love that you
3
The Discipline of Being Yourself: Emanate & Express
get to feel is the love that you give. And the love that you
Your Natural Essence & True Core
hold back, that’s the love that you’ll never have in your life.
You can’t align with someone if you’re not being yourself or
What would you give to someone you love? The answer
if you’re trying to be what you think they want. You have
is everything.
to tell the truth! Playing small never serves.

3 4
Create and Build Trust and Respect The Discipline of Positive Intent: Eliminate Threats &
Trust begins with commitment to your partner’s needs. Can Judgment & Remember The Power of Language
your partner depend on you to be emotionally available no Never make your partner wrong. Know their soul.
matter what, even in times of stress and uncertainty? You

5
can’t separate these two, because trust is based on commitment. The Discipline of Freedom: The Power of Forgiving,
Forgetting, & Flooding

4
Reclaim Playfulness, Presence, and Passion Pain can only be found in yesterday’s sorrows or tomorrow’s
Polarity doesn’t age. You can spark passion in your lover concerns. Flood yourself now with the beauty and magic
that has been dormant for years. It can take minutes. What of your life!
does your partner need? Who are you at your core? How

6
can you express your deepest gift to your partner? The Discipline of Daily Intimacy: Full Engagement—
Open Your Heart & Hold Nothing Back

5
Harness Courage and Embrace Honesty Play wildly, courageously, tenderly, and intensely. Fear
We are all rewarded and discouraged for certain behaviors and hurt imprison the heart. Do the opposite of what they
in our relationships. We all have needs and fears which tell you and passion will re-ignite.
constrain us from doing and saying everything that we feel.
7
When we don’t express ourselves in the moment, we start The Discipline of Polarity: The Power of Dancing Energies
to hold back, which leads to less passion. Have the courage Feel, understand, and appreciate what your partner needs
to break through constricting beliefs and fears and express and serve them now. Be her mountain. Presence is a state
yourself with passion. where nothing shakes you. Be his joy. Playfulness is the
gift of life. Give your gift.

6 8
Uncover and Create Alignment
The Discipline of Loving Truth: The Power of Vulnerability
The worst thing on earth is to be in a relationship where you
Give the gift of heartfelt honesty and commit to expressing
have completely different needs and goals. Your beliefs
it openly in this moment.
don’t have to be identical, but they have to lead you in

9
the same direction. The Discipline of Utilization: The Power of Higher
Meaning & Constant Growth

7
Live Consciously: Be an Example Find the good and beauty in everything and use it to expand
Don’t be your history; don’t just imitate your parent’s examples. your love.
Create your own example. The best way to transform your

10
family group is to transform yourself—the change will The Discipline of Gratitude & Giving: Appreciation is
spread through generations. Do it for yourself and for the the Power
others who will learn from you! Experience life’s greatest blessings now.
24 25
 1
SKILL 1: HEARTFELT UNDERSTANDING
This is not just intellectual understanding, not being
condescending or judging your partner's needs and behaviors.
Heartfelt Understanding is about connecting to your partner's
emotional world and putting yourself in his or her shoes. If
someone doesn't feel understood at the heart level by his or
her partner, the relationship can hardly make progress from
there. On the other hand, you'd be amazed at how much a
relationship can change when one of the partners decides to
give complete heartfelt understanding without judgment.
Does heartfelt understanding mean that you have to agree
with your partner on everything? No, of course not—but it
shows them that you are on their side.

How do you know whether you have heartfelt understanding

for your partner? We don't want these skills to be intellectual
concepts, we want to apply them and create real results in
our lives. In order to develop the first skill of Heartfelt
Understanding to the utmost, you must make it a daily
discipline . . .

DISCIPLINE 1: PUTTING YOUR LOVER FIRST:

IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!
When you develop the skill of heartfelt understanding
fully, you become fully conscious of your partner's inner
life. Rather than being your partner's observer and
critic, you find that “inner heart connection”: you feel
what they feel. Practice being selfless—schedule periods
of time where you will attend to your partner's needs,
putting your needs second or third. Tune in to your
partner's responses. What do they like? What doesn't
score points? Refine your approach. What gifts,
gestures, touch or words strike a chord in your partner?
How can you become even more proficient in loving
and pleasing him or her? It is by putting your lover
first that you will discover the deepest pleasure in
your relationship—sexual and other.
“It is well to give when asked

but it is better to give unasked,

through understanding.”

—Kahlil Gibran

26 27
2 3
SKILL 2: GIVE YOUR PARTNER WHAT THEY REALLY NEED SKILL 3: CREATE AND BUILD TRUST AND RESPECT
In any relationship, you have to be aware of the other Trust is the essential building block of every productive
person's needs in order to know what's going on. Not knowing relationship in your life. Where there is no trust, people
your partner's needs inevitably leads to frustration and do not share, and where they do not share, there is no
disappointment, where you are giving your partner everything interaction, progress, or common growth. Trust comes from
except what they really need. The challenge with people is the feeling that you have common interests—namely, that you
that their deepest needs are often incredibly specific and can are committed to meeting each others' needs. Trust is not
be tricky to discern—it's like a “secret button”. If you never built during the easy times, but during times of uncertainty
find your partner’s “secret button,” the relationship will feel and stress, when your commitment to your partner comes
impossible. The good news is that if you can find the secret under question. When your commitment withstands these
button and figure out how to give your partner what they tests, your trust will expand and grow to new levels, giving
need at the deepest level, you can generate levels of trust, you new levels of freedom, comfort, and love. When you
happiness, love, and passion more profoundly than anything fail to grow trust, you can only lose it. There's no middle
either of you has ever experienced. The fact is that everybody ground. In fact, there are 3 Disciplines to master in order
has the same 6 Human Needs (which will be discussed at to foster ongoing trust and respect . . .
length in day 3). You discover how that person meets their
DISCIPLINE 3: BEING YOURSELF: EMANATE &
needs, you'll know how to satisfy them. To make it a
EXPRESS YOUR NATURAL ESSENCE & TRUE CORE
consistent practice, however, you must apply Discipline 2 . . .
If the basis of trust is confidence in your partner, then
DISCIPLINE 2: LOVING NO MATTER WHAT: trust must begin with having confidence in yourself. If
THE POWER OF LOVE, ADORATION, & PRAISE you cannot trust who you yourself are at your deepest
level, you cannot induce lasting trust in others. Having
One of the biggest threats to any relationship is when confidence means having confidence in your own highest
one or both partners withdraw from each other. intentions and commitment—trusting yourself to do
Loving No Matter What is a commitment to hold the right thing. When you have the self-trust of being
yourself open and present for your lover, even during yourself, emanating your natural essence, others will
the most painful of situations. Anytime that you perceive that and build trust in you. Being yourself
withdraw emotionally, even in a subtle way, from also means that you recognize the masculine and
your partner, the relationship deteriorates. Any time feminine energies that form you. You may have an
that you lose trust, interest, and commitment, even intense masculine energy that you've always been
for a moment, you drift closer to behaviors of discouraged from expressing. In a relationship of
criticism and rejection. The good news is that if you heartfelt understanding, giving, and trust, you can
commit to maintaining your emotional connection, learn how to reclaim those parts of you that you may
no matter what, there will never be any room for have suppressed. If you have ever felt feminine energies
alienation, judgment, and rejection. Stay connected! that have been seen as inefficient or misdirected, you
Cultivate your connection and your commitment the can learn to embrace and appreciate them. Energies
way you would cultivate a precious flower! If you of gender and sexuality are intense topics in our culture,
commit to love your partner no matter what and hold and we have been taught that many of these energies
to this crucial discipline, your relationship will flourish are wrong—as a result, we get to experience less in
no matter what your life circumstances may be. life. Allow these energies to enhance you in your
intimacy and your life's purpose, and recognize and
appreciate these energies in your partner. Finally,
being yourself also means trusting your own intent. If
you have decided to put your lover first, trust that
commitment—if your partner challenges or tests you
(as will happen, anytime you make a change to the
status quo in your relationship) hold true to the
generosity of your own intentions.
28 29
DISCIPLINE 4: POSITIVE INTENT: ELIMINATE DISCIPLINE 5: FREEDOM: THE POWER OF
THREATS & JUDGMENT & REMEMBER THE POWER FORGIVING, FORGETTING, & FLOODING
OF LANGUAGE
Every relationship undergoes times of hardship and
The basis of trust is the feeling that both of you have stress, and people often make mistakes. Knowing
positive intent towards each other. that, why drag along the baggage of past sufferings and
mistakes? Whenever we have painful experiences or
Anytime you use threats, judgment, or humor as a
memories, we have a choice: to either learn from
weapon, you are undermining that feeling—and you
them, or use them to punish ourselves or others. So
are undermining the relationship itself. When you
often people imprison their partners with guilt and
judge, threaten, or blame, you are presupposing that
blame for their past misdeeds. That never creates
your partner's problem behavior is intentional and
intimacy. If you want passion, set your partner free of
malicious. That puts them in an uncomfortably
guilt and blame. Make your choice—if you are
defensive position that can kill intimacy. At the same
putting your partner first, then truly forgive them. See
time, by judging, threatening, and blaming, you are
their mistake from their perspective. Now, some
demonstrating your own lack of faith in the relationship.
things are not easy to forget—sometimes we get
Eliminating threats and judgments is one way of
locked into old memories and linger there, experiencing
following through on your commitment to your partner.
resentment and anxiety. In this case, use the strategy
On the other hand, if your partner is upset, it is
of “flooding,” which is a way of working with your
important to remember that behind your partner's
own mind and nervous system to replace bad
upset feelings, there are needs that are not being met.
experiences with good. This doesn't mean senselessly
If you can understand your partner's upsets with
forgetting important lessons and warnings from the
heartfelt compassion and empathy, you will preserve
past—it's a way of consciously harnessing the good
your connection and your trust. Awaken to the power
in life and bringing it into yourself for greater pleasure
of language, praise, and verbal affection. So many
and intimacy. Flooding means consciously reliving
relationships wither and die simply because the partners
the good in your life, bringing up memories and
never learned how to communicate their true feelings
feelings of love, gratitude, and appreciation. If you
to each other! Discover the words and language that
strengthen these emotions purposefully—and it may
stimulate and please your partner! Don't be afraid to
feel at first that you are “faking” these new emotional
repeat yourself! This is a daily discipline that needs
patterns—they will take root in your body and nervous
to be reinforced several times every day.
system, and soon you will begin to experience these
emotions spontaneously. You'll see that most of the
interventions in this program reach a point where the
couple must undergo forgiving, forgetting, and flooding
in order to reach a solution.

30 31
4
SKILL 4: RECLAIM PLAYFULNESS, PRESENCE, AND PASSION
DISCIPLINE 7: THE DISCIPLINE OF POLARITY:
Many couples achieve—or rebuild—a basis of heartfelt THE POWER OF DANCING ENERGIES
understanding, giving, and trust, but aren't able to make the
Opposites attract. We all know it, but we don't always
leap to passion and excitement. In Skill 4, we reclaim the
know why. In science, the attraction of opposites is
playfulness, presence, and passion that is in every human
called polarity, which can be found in electricity,
being's soul—and which can awaken your relationship to
magnetism, and other physical phenomena. In human
the level of passion you may not have experienced for years.
relationship, many types of polarity can be
In a relationship where there is heartfelt understanding,
observed—we are naturally attracted to those things
giving, and trust, the partners need to take the next step,
and people which are different from us and which
where they play with their partner. If you are masculine,
stimulate us in ways we cannot stimulate ourselves.
this would mean showing your passion, pursuing, and
You may have a friend who is funnier than you and
initiating lovemaking with your partner. If you are feminine,
is attractive in that way, for instance. That creates
this would mean playfully provoking and enticing your
spontaneous attraction and respect. In romantic
partner to come after you. Playfully exaggerate your gender
intimacy, polarity refers to the play between opposite
differences—that will certainly stimulate the polarity
energies—the masculine and the feminine. Those are
between you. In sexual intimacy, open up the spectrum of
the energies behind sex and gender, and they are
experiences to embrace not only the light emotions
responsible for sexual attraction and passion as well.
(loyalty, contribution, devotion) but also the dark emotions
The good news is that it is not our external looks, age,
(naughtiness, possessiveness, lust). If you have heartfelt
or social position that creates passion! Passion is not
understanding, selflessness, and trust in your relationship,
a naturally fading phenomenon. Sexual polarity is an
why not enjoy the fruits of it? Open up, experiment, take
eternal energy, and is responsible for great sex and
a risk, and enjoy! Follow the disciplines of intimacy and
lasting passion. If you can find your natural polarity
polarity to make playfulness, presence, and passion part
with your partner—the play of differences between
of your daily experience . . .
you—you can sustain a magnetic attraction or
DISCIPLINE 6: THE DISCIPLINE OF DAILY INTIMACY: rediscover the passion that you may have
FULL ENGAGEMENT—OPEN YOUR HEART AND experienced long ago. One way to increase polarity is
HOLD NOTHING BACK to take on the strengths of your gender—if you are
masculine, the strengths of purpose, protection, and
Once you seek out, discover, and appreciate your commitment. If you are feminine, the strengths of
natural polarity with your partner, let that passion and vulnerability, the flow of feeling, spontaneity, and
excitement infiltrate the other parts of your life. provocative play. Play on your respective strengths,
Open your heart to your partner, and let your presence, even exaggerate your differences, until the polarity
playfulness, and passion bring spice to your times sparks. It's okay to feel an aspect of pretend and
together. Don't hold back. Be present with your partner. experimentation. The place where polarity is
If there were times that you used to shut down or look strongest, however, is in the difficult times of stress
the other way, engage your partner in those times and upset. In those times, utilize the strengths of your
and communicate. Relationships must be fed with sexual essence to help your partner! If you are
honesty and attention. When you open your heart and masculine, stand strong, give your partner your
create this level of connection and enjoyment, your devotion and commitment, no matter what they say
relationship will have a solid base that can weather or do. If you are feminine, heal your partner with
any storm. your love, attention, and provoke them with your
playfulness. Polarity is one of those things that
strengthens relationships, no matter what they are
going through—as you'll see in the films and audio
sessions. Find your polarity, and you'll have not only
love and trust, but passion as well.

32 33
5 6
SKILL 5: HARNESS COURAGE AND EMBRACE HONESTY SKILL 6: UNCOVER AND CREATE ALIGNMENT
Once you have passion and polarity, you will have intense Are you truly compatible with your partner, or do you
enjoyment, and you will also have moments of surprise, belong somewhere else? Will you ever be able to experience
hurt, and disappointment. It comes with every human your authentic selves together with passion, or are your
relationship, and an exceptional romance is no exception. interests just too different? It's true that selection is a crucial
In these times, what will feed and maintain your heartfelt part of relationship. Every relationship undergoes a time of
understanding, giving, trust, and passion is the truth. When investigation, checking, and re-evaluation. On day 10, you'll
things are going well and something upsets you, it's tempting learn the key questions that define your compatibility with
to suppress it, not wanting to disturb the peace. But these your partner, but you'll also learn an even greater skill. Once
upsets need to be dealt with in the moment, or else they you understand the differences between you and your partner,
build up and become unmanageable. In these moments, you have a choice to make: whether to commit to your partner
you need to harness your courage and embrace honesty, for the long term, or end the relationship and reselect another
you need to share your experience with your partner. To partner. If you choose to commit, the skill of alignment is
do this, you must live the discipline of loving truth . . . about recognizing and appreciating your differences so that
they enrich your lives rather than creating friction. Finding
DISCIPLINE 8: THE DISCIPLINE OF LOVING TRUTH: alignment with real situations—with all of their quirks and
THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY surprises—is one of the keys to fulfillment in life. Uncovering
and creating alignment with a partner you love and desire,
This is not only a discipline, but an art—of with all their challenges and needs, is the path of greatest
expressing mild upset without creating even bigger growth in relationship.
upset. When something bothers you and you explain
this, your partner will have a tendency to feel blamed. DISCIPLINE 9: THE DISCIPLINE OF UTILIZATION: THE
However, the fact is that when something goes POWER OF HIGHER MEANING & CONSTANT GROWTH
wrong, you must express yourself spontaneously, in You have two choices of what to do with anything life
the moment, and from the heart. In order to do this (or your partner) gives you. You can either punish
successfully, it is crucial that you set the context yourself or your partner with it, suffer, and feel pain,
carefully for anything you are about to share. When or you can decide to learn from it and apply it to your
approaching your partner with this type of feedback, future. Choose the second option—learning, adapting,
remember to use the phrases which avoid blame and and enjoying is what we are designed for! When you
save face. You will learn these in the chapter for days have conflicts or misunderstandings with your partner,
3 and 9. choose to learn, appreciate, embrace differences, and
change your approach. This is the path of ultimate
growth!

DISCIPLINE 10: THE DISCIPLINE OF GRATITUDE &

GIVING: APPRECIATION IS POWER
If the 7 Master Relationship Skills begin with
committing to your partner and making them feel safe,
the skills end with the ability to enjoy and appreciate
your differences as well. So often our relationships
are dampened by a false sense of familiarity and habit,
making us forget what's most important—that your
lover is the unique person in the world who is closest
to you, that you are the bearer of special knowledge
of your lovers' innermost secrets, desires, and
individuality. Appreciate that! Get some perspective!
Loving and appreciating your life partner is a great
way to love and appreciate your life.
34 35
7
SKILL 7: LIVE CONSCIOUSLY: BE AN EXAMPLE DO IT NOW: DAY 2 ASSIGNMENT
If we were to examine our beliefs and behavior patterns Score yourself and explain why you gave yourself this
under a microscope, we would find that a great deal of what score. How have you created these 7 Relationship Skills
we do and believe was not chosen consciously. Many of in your life? What would your relationship be like if you
our appetites, desires, opinions, and behavior patterns were were observing these disciplines in your life? If you are not
absorbed unconsciously at an early age from the people presently in a couple, how did you create these in a former
around us—our parents, family, and siblings. So many of relationship or with someone close to you?
us wake up one day to find that we have the habits or the
relationship or the lifestyle of our father or mother, even if 1. SKILL: HEARTFELT UNDERSTANDING
we never chose that. Default versions of how to live and • Generate loving insight into your partner's needs, desires,
how to love are the way many of us live our lives, and and fears. Understand and empathize with your partner's
when we try to make a shift, we often meet resistance from emotional patterns and commit to being there for them.
others. The Skill of Living Consciously is the skill of
applying yourself to all the relationship skills and disciplines— Score yourself (out of 10):_____
to have the courage to create a new example in your life of _________________________________________________
what is possible. Breaking out of age-old patterns takes
discipline, focus, and consistency—as well as playfulness, _________________________________________________
passion, and the ability to handle surprise!
________________________________________________

_______________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_______________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

Do you follow The First Discipline of Putting Your

Lover First?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Remember:
These Skills define your ability to sustain any relationship ________________________________________________
in your life—friends, family, and colleagues. It is the Disciplines _______________________________________________
that will enable you to create the relationship of your dreams.
Develop these Skills within yourself, and check-in regularly ________________________________________________
to see whether you are keeping and living these Disciplines!
Whether you are in relationship or not, these will give you _______________________________________________
the muscle to create the relationship that will provide ultimate _________________________________________________
fulfillment.
_________________________________________________

36 37
2. SKILL: GIVE YOUR PARTNER WHAT THEY REALLY NEED 3. SKILL: CREATE AND BUILD TRUST AND RESPECT
Score yourself (out of 10):_____ Score yourself (out of 10):_____

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

________________________________________________ ________________________________________________

_______________________________________________ _______________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_______________________________________________ _______________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_______________________________________________ _______________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Do you follow the third Discipline of Being Yourself:
Emanate and Express Your Natural Essence and
Do you follow the second Discipline of Loving No Matter True Core?
What: The Power of Love, Adoration, and Praise?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

38 39
Do you follow the fourth Discipline of Positive Intent: 4. SKILL: RECLAIM PLAYFULNESS, PRESENCE, AND PASSION
Eliminate Threats and Judgment and Remember the
Score yourself (out of 10):_____
Power of Language?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________

_________________________________________________ Do you follow the sixth Discipline of Daily Intimacy:

Full Engagement—Open Your Heart and Hold
_________________________________________________ Nothing Back?

_______________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Do you follow the fifth Discipline of Freedom: The Power
of Forgiving, Forgetting, and Flooding? ________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _______________________________________________

_________________________________________________ ________________________________________________

________________________________________________ _______________________________________________

_______________________________________________ _________________________________________________

________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_______________________________________________ Do you follow the seventh Discipline of Polarity:

The Power of Dancing Energies?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
________________________________________________

40 41
5. SKILL: HARNESS COURAGE AND EMBRACE HONESTY 6. SKILL: UNCOVER AND CREATE ALIGNMENT
Score yourself (out of 10):_____ Score yourself (out of 10):_____

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

________________________________________________ ________________________________________________

_______________________________________________ _______________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_______________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ Do you follow the ninth Discipline of Utilization:

The Power of Higher Meaning and Constant Growth?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
Do you follow the eighth Discipline of Loving Truth: _________________________________________________
The Power of Vulnerability?
Do you follow the tenth Discipline of Gratitude
_________________________________________________
and Giving: Appreciation is the Power?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
________________________________________________

_______________________________________________

42 43
7. SKILL: LIVE CONSCIOUSLY: BE AN EXAMPLE
Score yourself (out of 10):_____

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

________________________________________________

_______________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_______________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_______________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

Out of the Mouths of Babes

When is it okay to kiss someone?

“The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids
with them. It's the right thing to do.”
—Howard, age 8

44 45
 DAY 3

Back From the Edge:

Creating Everlasting Love

“Love never claims, it ever gives.”

—Modandas K. Gandhi

46 47
 DAY 3: BACK FROM THE EDGE: CREATING EVERLASTING LOVE

Today's message is an example of the transformation that occurs

when two partners in a couple learn how to meet each others needs.
Paul and Jenn were both good people and loved each other, but they
were miserable. By renewing their commitment to each other and
understanding the power of the 6 Human Needs, they were able to
turn their relationship around in one day. Today we will explore the
power of the 6 Human Needs—how to identify your most valued
needs, as well as your partner's most valued needs and how to fulfill
them. When you know how to meet your needs and your partner's
needs, the keys of the relationship kingdom are yours.

SCORE PAUL AND JENN ON THE 7 MASTER RELATIONSHIP

SKILLS

If you've seen or listened to Tony's conversation with Paul and

Jenn, you'll remember some of the strengths and weaknesses of
that relationship. In order to practice your skills of observation and
strengthen your understanding of the 7 Master Relationship Skills,
take a moment to score Paul and Jenn on their mastery of the
7 Skills. How did they start off the conversation? What did they
learn? And how did they use what they learned that day to create
the relationship they enjoy today? What did you learn about your
own life?

SKILL 1: HEARTFELT UNDERSTANDING

Paul's Score:_____
What did Paul understand about Jenn?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

What did Paul not understand in a heartfelt way?

“Throw your heart over the fence

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
and the rest will follow.” _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
—Norman Vincent Peale

48 49
Paul's Score:_____ How did Paul learn to meet Jenn's needs?
How did Paul learn to understand Jenn better? How will
that lead to action? _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

Jenn's Score:_____ Jenn's Score:_____

What kind of understanding did Jenn have of Paul? Which needs was Jenn meeting for Paul? Which was she
Did Paul feel understood by Jenn? not meeting?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

Why? How did that change? How did Jenn learn to meet Paul's needs?
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

SKILL 3: CREATE AND BUILD TRUST AND RESPECT

Paul's Score:_____
SKILL 2: GIVE YOUR PARTNER WHAT THEY REALLY NEED
What could Jenn trust in Paul? What could she not trust?
Paul's Score:_____
_________________________________________________
Which needs was Paul meeting for Jenn? Which needs
were not being met? _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
50 51
What did Paul do to decrease trust? At the end of the day, What did Paul learn?
what did he do to increase trust?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

Jenn's Score:_____
Jenn's Score:_____ How playful was Jenn? Was she being playful in a way that
What could Paul trust about Jenn? inspired passion? Why or why not?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

Did Paul feel trusted by Jenn? How did she learn to create more passion and playfulness
_________________________________________________ with Paul?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

SKILL 4: RECLAIM PLAYFULNESS, PRESENCE, AND PASSION

Paul's Score:_____ SKILL 5: HARNESS COURAGE AND EMBRACE HONESTY
Was Paul giving Jenn his full presence? Was he creating an Paul's Score:_____
emotional basis for Jenn to feel passion? What challenges Where did Paul demonstrate courage and honesty? If he
did he have? had not been courageous and honest enough to stand up
________________________________________________ and tell the truth, where would he be now?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
52 53
What kinds of courage and honesty did Paul need to learn? Every couple has differences. How did Paul create
alignment despite these differences?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
Jenn's Score:_____
Where did Jenn show honesty and courage? Think of her Jenn's Score:_____
confrontation with Tony. How were Jenn's relationships and loyalties strengthening
or weakening her alignment with Paul?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

Did Jenn develop the courage to be vulnerable with Paul?

_________________________________________________ What did she do to create greater alignment?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

SKILL 6: UNCOVER AND CREATE ALIGNMENT SKILL 7: LIVE CONSCIOUSLY: BE AN EXAMPLE

Paul's Score:_____ Paul's Score:_____
Describe the alignment or lack of alignment in this relationship. What kind of example had Paul been living for his family
and children?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
54 55
What had to change within Paul for him to live consciously WHAT DID YOU LEARN? MAIN POINTS TO REMEMBER
as an example to others?
THE 6 HUMAN NEEDS IN RELATIONSHIP
_________________________________________________
Paul and Jenn transformed their relationship by understanding
_________________________________________________ and harnessing the power of each others' 6 Human Needs.
With all the variety of people in the world, everybody shares
_________________________________________________ the 6 Human Needs, although everybody has different ways
_________________________________________________ of meeting these needs. Together with the 7 Master
Relationship Skills, the 6 Human Needs are the foundation
_________________________________________________ of the ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP PROGRAM. Success in your
relationship hinges on your ability to discover which needs
Jenn's Score:_____ your partner values and what has to happen to meet those
What positive or negative examples of relationship was Jenn needs. If you can learn that, you will find the “secret
using as an example for her own relationship? button” that drives your partner crazy (in a good way).
Tony likes to say that he's never seen a couple break up
_________________________________________________ where the partners were meeting all of each others needs.
Here are the 6 Human Needs:
_________________________________________________ 1. CERTAINTY 4. LOVE/CONNECTION
Certainty that we can be Everyone needs
_________________________________________________
comfortable—to have connection with other
_________________________________________________ pleasure and to avoid human beings and
pain. everyone strives for
_________________________________________________ and hopes for love.
2. UNCERTAINTY/VARIETY
Variety and challenges 5. GROWTH
What did Jenn have to do to create a new example of love in
which will exercise our When we stop growing,
her life?
emotional and physical we die. We need to
_________________________________________________
range. constantly develop
_________________________________________________ emotionally, intellectually,
3. SIGNIFICANCE and spiritually.
_________________________________________________ Every person needs to
feel special, important, 6. CONTRIBUTION
_________________________________________________
needed, wanted. To go beyond your own
_________________________________________________ needs and give to others.
Everything in the
universe contributes
beyond itself or it is
Do you know any couples or individuals like Paul and Jenn?
eliminated.
What did you learn from Paul and Jenn's example?

The 6 Human Needs are always with us.

We need to meet them every day, in one way or another.

The good news is that there are only six of them.
There are many ways of meeting them,
and they don’t cost money.

Discover your partner’s Human Needs!

56 57
DO IT NOW: DAY 3 ASSIGNMENT Significance
Your Score:_____
The 6 Human Needs are the most effective way to track Why?
the level of happiness and fulfillment in any human _________________________________________________
relationship. Take a moment to score the way needs are
met in your relationship. _________________________________________________

FOR SINGLES: Instead of focusing on a present relationship, _________________________________________________

take a moment to understand a past relationship or another _________________________________________________
important relationship in your life. By understanding and
appreciating the past, you will build your future. Complete
exercises 1 and 2, then skip to the SINGLES ONLY questions Name three ways you could meet this need for your partner.
at the bottom. _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
1. Score yourself—from your partner's perspective—on
how you have been meeting your partner's needs. _________________________________________________
Certainty/Comfort
Your Score:_____
Why?
_________________________________________________ Connection/Love
Your Score:_____
_________________________________________________ Why?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
Name three ways you could meet this need for your partner. _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ Name three ways you could meet this need for your partner.
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
Uncertainty/Variety _________________________________________________
Your Score:_____
Why?
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ Growth
Your Score:_____
_________________________________________________ Why?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
Name three ways you could meet this need for your partner. _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
58 59
Name three ways you could meet this need for your partner. 2. Score the way your partner has been meeting your needs.
_________________________________________________
Certainty/Comfort
_________________________________________________ Your Partner’s Score:_____
_________________________________________________ Why?
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Contribution
Your Partner’s Score:_____ _________________________________________________
Why?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ Name three ways your partner could meet this need for you.
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Name three ways you could meet this need for your partner.
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ Uncertainty/Variety
_________________________________________________ Your Partner’s Score:_____
Why?
_________________________________________________
Rank your partner's 6 Needs in order of importance to him
or her, number one being most important (again, the needs _________________________________________________
are Certainty/Comfort, Uncertainty/Variety, Significance,
_________________________________________________
Connection/ Love, Growth, and Contribution).
_________________________________________________
1. ______________________________________________
Name three ways your partner could meet this need for you.
2. ______________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
4. ______________________________________________
Significance
5. ______________________________________________ Your Partner’s Score:_____
Why?
6. ______________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

60 61
Name three ways your partner could meet this need for you. Contribution
_________________________________________________ Your Partner’s Score:_____
Why?
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Connection/Love
Your Partner’s Score:_____
Why? Name three ways your partner could meet this need for you.
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Rank your 6 Human Needs in order of importance to you
(number one being most important).
Name three ways your partner could meet this need for you.
_________________________________________________ 1. ______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________
_________________________________________________

3. ______________________________________________

Growth 4. ______________________________________________
Your Partner’s Score:_____
Why?
_________________________________________________ 5. ______________________________________________

_________________________________________________
6. ______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

Name three ways your partner could meet this need for you.

_________________________________________________ Out of the Mouths of Babes

_________________________________________________ “You got to find somebody who likes the same
_________________________________________________ stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should
like it that you like sports, and she should
keep the chips and dip coming.”
—Alan, age 10

62 63
3. Ask your partner how he or she would like to have 4. Share what you would appreciate from your partner.
their needs met. Discover your partner's preferences. Be aware that your partner may interpret this as a
What has to happen for him or her to experience that trade-off: “Since I gave you yours, now you owe me
those top three needs are being met? What are the mine.” If this is a concern, wait until another day or
rules that govern their experience? For example, in occasion to bring this up with your partner. Make
order to feel loved, does your partner need a hug each sure to phrase your needs with humility, love, and
day, or several hugs? Some time with you alone respect. Share your list with your partner, and brain
together? A phone call to express caring? Get specific. storm ways of meeting your needs.
The more specific you get the easier it will be to
discover the triggers that lead to satisfying your _________________________________________________
partner's needs thereby deepening love, attraction
and understanding. _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

Be aware that your partner may be modest and say that SINGLES ONLY: What did you learn about the way you had
everything is fine. Human needs are among the most met your partner's needs in the past? About the way your
sensitive and intimate topics of conversation. Make it needs were or were not met? What is your new standard for
clear to your partner that they cannot hurt your feelings on meeting needs in relationship? How would you communicate
this—you really want to know what you can do for them! your needs to your partner? How would you inquire into
Make your partner feel safe. Share your ideas of ways to your partner's deepest needs?
meet their needs. Observe their responses.
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
64 65
 DAY 4

Breaking Through:

Creating the Life That You Deserve

“Deep within man dwell those slumbering powers;

powers that would astonish him, that he never

dreamed of possessing; forces that would

revolutionize his life if aroused

and put into action.”

—Orison Swett Marden

66 67
 DAY 4: BREAKING THROUGH: CREATING THE LIFE
The 7 Master Skills The 10 Disciplines of Love THAT YOU DESERVE

So often our partners' emotional patterns are a mystery to us. One

day they are happy and passionate, the next day—they are grumpy
1. Heartfelt Understanding 1. The Discipline of Putting Your Lover First:

and shut down. Here you will learn the fundamental principles Tony
It's Not About You!

uses in understanding the beliefs, behaviors, and challenges of

anyone he meets. If you've seen or heard Tony's conversation with
2. The Discipline of Loving No Matter What:

Tahnee, you've understood how Tahnee's moods—and even her

The Power of Love, Adoration & Praise
2. Give Your Partner What They
problems—served to meet her 6 Human Needs in destructive ways.
Really Need
3. The Discipline of Being Yourself: Emanate &

Among other things, here you'll find answers here to questions about
Express Your Natural Essence & True Core

depression, anger, mood swings, what holds us back from intimacy, and
3. Create and Build Trust and Respect 4. Discipline of Positive Intent: Eliminate
what keeps us from making the strong decisions we need in life.
Threats & Judgment & Remember The
Today's Master Relationship Skill is Heartfelt Understanding. Every
Power of Language

relationship begins with the partners' ability to empathize and under-

5. The Discipline of Freedom: The Power of stand each others needs, emotions, and situation. Today's Discipline of
Love is the Discipline of Putting Your Lover first: It's Not About You!
4. Reclaim Playfulness, Presence, Forgiving, Forgetting & Flooding
We'll see how Tahnee's focus on her own needs was actually the barrier
and Passion

to finding fulfillment with her boyfriend. Once she got out of her
own way and made the leap of faith, she gained the life of her dreams.
6. The Discipline of Daily Intimacy:
Full Engagement—Open Your Heart &
Hold Nothing Back
5. Harness Courage and Embrace
Honesty

SCORE TAHNEE ON THE 7 MASTER RELATIONSHIP SKILLS

7. The Discipline of Polarity: The Power of
Dancing Energies

We did not meet Tahnee's boyfriend, did we? But let's challenge
ourselves and try to understand how Tahnee would have scored
8. The Discipline of Loving Truth: The Power
6. Uncover and Create Alignment
in the 7 Master Relationship Skills.
of Vulnerability

SKILL 1: HEARTFELT UNDERSTANDING

9. The Discipline of Utilization: The Power

Tahnee's Score:_____
of Higher Meaning & Constant Growth

Did Tahnee understand herself? Did she show any

7. Live Consciously: Be An Example

understanding of her boyfriend's needs?

(Skill 7 applies to all 10
Disciplines of Love) 10. The Discipline of Gratitude & Giving:
Appreciation is the Power
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

“Things do not change; we change.” _________________________________________________

—Henry David Thoreau

68 69
What did she learn? SKILL 3: CREATE AND BUILD TRUST AND RESPECT
Tahnee's Score:_____
_________________________________________________ How much trust did she have in her relationship? What
_________________________________________________ kinds of challenges would you expect to see in a relationship
that had that level of trust?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

SKILL 2: GIVE YOUR PARTNER WHAT THEY REALLY NEED _________________________________________________

Tahnee's Score:_____
_________________________________________________
What did Tahnee talk about giving to her boyfriend? What
was her focus? _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Where do you think she ran into problems? _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
What did she learn?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
What did she learn?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

70 71
SKILL 4: RECLAIM PLAYFULNESS, PRESENCE, AND PASSION SKILL 5: HARNESS COURAGE AND EMBRACE HONESTY
Tahnee's Score:_____ Tahnee's Score:_____
Did she experience a change in terms of her playfulness? How honest was she being with herself about what her real
How did that relate to the amount of passion that she was challenges were? Was she working on a quality problem in
capable of experiencing? her life, or was she struggling with a self-imposed problem?
What needs was she meeting?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

What did she learn?

What did she learn?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

72 73
SKILL 6: UNCOVER AND CREATE ALIGNMENT SKILL 7: LIVE CONSCIOUSLY: BE AN EXAMPLE
Tahnee's Score:_____ Tahnee's Score:_____
What kind of alignment would you expect her to have with Was she consciously creating a new example for those
her boyfriend? What kind of alignment did she experience around her, or was she living in reaction to the examples
once she created more trust, giving, courage, and made new of others?
life decisions?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ When she made life changes after the conversation, what
kind of example did she live?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

What did she learn?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Out of the Mouths of Babes

“No age is good to get married at.

You got to be a fool to get married.”
—Freddie, age 6

74 75
WHAT DID YOU LEARN? MAIN POINTS TO REMEMBER: And what would that mean?

_________________________________________________
EMOTION: THE FUEL OF CHOICE
Emotions do not just happen to us. We “do” emotions. _________________________________________________
Emotions are formed by a triad:
_________________________________________________
• Physiology—your posture, breathing, level of
energy and/or tension _________________________________________________
• Focus—what are you choosing to focus on?
_________________________________________________
• Language—what do you say to yourself on
a regular basis? _________________________________________________
Alter any one of these, and you can interrupt the pattern of
any emotion. Interrupt two of these, and the emotion will be To go behind this meaning and understand what’s really
totally annihilated. Do this regularly, and you will become going on, you must know the target we are all going after:
a master at getting out of disempowering emotions and the 6 Human Needs.
putting yourself into a productive state.

PRIMARY FEARS 6 HUMAN NEEDS

Two primary fears are responsible for the emotional reactions Everything we do, we do for six reasons only! The only
that lead us into pain and destructive behaviors. We all have difference between us is which needs we value most, and
the fear that we're not enough, and that if we're not enough, what we believe has to happen to meet those needs. Let's
we won't be loved. These primary fears are universal review these briefly:
and never go away. Don't try to make them disappear—
just be conscious and intelligent when they show up. 1. CERTAINTY 4. LOVE/CONNECTION
Whenever you are upset, ask yourself “What beliefs am I Certainty that we can be Everyone needs
holding on to that are making me feel that I'm not enough?” comfortable—to have connection with other
pleasure and to avoid human beings and
DO A CHAIN OF CONSEQUENCES EXERCISE: pain. everyone strives for
This exercise will help you understand the beliefs that and hopes for love.
cause you pain. 2. UNCERTAINTY/VARIETY
Variety and challenges 5. GROWTH
When you feel upset (stressed, fearful, angry, disappointed, which will exercise our When we stop growing,
etc.), what are you afraid is going to happen? emotional and physical we die. We need to
range. constantly develop
_________________________________________________
emotionally, intellectually,
_________________________________________________ 3. SIGNIFICANCE and spiritually.
Every person needs to
_________________________________________________ feel special, important, 6. CONTRIBUTION
needed, wanted. To go beyond your own
needs and give to others.
And if that were to happen, what would that mean? Everything in the
universe contributes
_________________________________________________ beyond itself or it is
eliminated.
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

76 77
EXERCISE: What positive vehicles could you use to replace the negative
What are your top two, driving needs? ways?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

How do you meet these: If you have a partner, what are their top 2 Human Needs?

_________________________________________________

In Positive Ways In Negative Ways _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

In what ways do they consistently meet those needs in a

positive way?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

In a negative way?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

78 79
THE CRAZY EIGHT EXERCISES:

8
If you had a crazy eight emotional pattern, what would it be:
(e.g. anger/helplessness, being controlling/withdrawing,
trust/distrust)?
Anger
Depression _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Everybody has variations in mood and attitude. Here is the
pattern most people follow and why. In Tahnee's case, _________________________________________________
depression is way for her to connect and commiserate with
herself. However, when this depression begins to make her _________________________________________________
feel too weak, she snaps out of it with anger. This emotional
_________________________________________________
pattern of alternating between sadness and anger is called a
crazy-eight. Many people live most of their lives alternating
between these two emotions. We've all heard of “mood Tahnee's crazy eight revolved around the issue of trust—a
swings.” The crazy-eight is a much more accurate description. relationship need she had not been able to create. If you had
Simply put, whatever your focus is and whatever emotions a crazy eight, what would be it's center? What is your crazy
you experience, your body has to deal with them. And there eight “about”?
are certain things your body can't deal with—for instance, if
your predominant emotion is sadness, your body will not _________________________________________________
permit you to remain sad 100% of the time. It's a survival
instinct—something deep in your physiology knows that if _________________________________________________
you stay sad, you will die, and so your body will work hard _________________________________________________
to give you relief from that sadness. For instance, at some
point something inside Tahnee gets tired of being sad all of _________________________________________________
the time—at some point it feels weak, and so her focus
snaps into anger, indignation, and defensiveness. With that _________________________________________________
as her focus, she will be tempted to find something to fight _________________________________________________
or someone to blame. This new energy may guide her to
accomplish something at work and prove her worth. _________________________________________________
However, since this anger energy is not supported by feelings
of connection and purpose, at some point it will lapse again
into sadness. Hence, the crazy eight has gone full circle. The Does your partner have a crazy eight? What is that about?
truth is that we all have crazy eights, because we all have What is your partner struggling with? What does he or she need?
the physiological need for emotional variety. The question _________________________________________________
is whether you allow your crazy eight to make your choices
for you. For instance, you can anticipate your needs for _________________________________________________
emotional variety by giving yourself different things to
focus on and do at different times. _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

80 81
TWO TYPES OF PROBLEMS Is this a self-imposed “safe” problem, or a quality problem?

1
QUALITY PROBLEMS involve a risky, forward-thinking decision If it's a “safe” problem, can you think of an underlying quality
that will often take you to another stage of progress in your problem that it's related to? What can you do about it?
life. Examples: career decisions, committing to a relationship, _________________________________________________
committing to a new standard in life.
_________________________________________________

2
SAFE PROBLEMS are lingering, self-imposed feeling-states
which come from a lack of sustainable ways to meet one's _________________________________________________
needs and a lack of vision for one's life. Examples: depression, _________________________________________________
addictions, blaming others, avoiding decisions, withdrawing
from relationships. If you are getting upset without taking _________________________________________________
action, or if you are upset about factors that are out of your
control (such as events in the past) then you are “maintaining” _________________________________________________
a safe problem. Take control of your ability to influence _________________________________________________
your own emotions. Make a shift in your physiology, your
pattern of focus, and your language patterns. _________________________________________________

PROBLEMS ARE A SIGN OF LIFE! _________________________________________________

What are some problems that have been a regular challenge _________________________________________________
for you?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ Now consider your problem from this point of view. If you
were to completely annihilate this “safe” problem from your
_________________________________________________
life, how could you step up? How could you raise your
_________________________________________________ standards? What would you do? How is this an opportunity
to take your life and your relationship to a whole new level?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

What is the risk associated with this problem? What if you _________________________________________________
succeed? What if you fail? _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

Does having this problem meet any of your 6 Human Needs? _________________________________________________
Which ones? _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

82 83
DO IT NOW: DAY 4 ASSIGNMENT 2. How do your disempowering emotions meet your
6 Human Needs?
Everybody has primary emotional patterns that define their
life—and will constrict their life, if they're not careful. Take _________________________________________________
a moment now to learn about your own patterns, and how
to take steps to create the emotions you want to experience _________________________________________________
in life. _________________________________________________
FOR SINGLES: Do this exercise too! _________________________________________________

1. Draw a line. On one side, write down the predominant _________________________________________________

empowering emotions you experience during the course _________________________________________________
of a week. On the other side, list your most common
disempowering emotions. Circle the top two of each. _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Disempowering Emotions Empowering Emotions
3. Where does this harm your life? What must you change?
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

4. What new emotion could you create as a new fuel of

choice? What could you do with your body, focus,
language, to embody this and create a new habit?
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

84 85
 DAY 5

From Selfish to Selflessness:

The Liberating Power

o f Unconditional Love

“Love the heart that hurts you,

but never hurt the heart that loves you.”

—Vipin Sharma

86 87
 DAY 5: FROM SELFISH TO SELFLESSNESS: THE POWER
The 7 Master Skills The 10 Disciplines of Love OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Today's session “From Selfish to Selflessness: The Liberating

Power of Unconditional Love” will explore the second Master
1. Heartfelt Understanding 1. The Discipline of Putting Your Lover First:

Relationship Skill: Giving Your Partner what They Really Need.

It's Not About You!

Sometimes what matters most in relationship is not what you can

do for your partner, but what you will do. Everything we do in
2. The Discipline of Loving No Matter What:

relationship has natural consequences. In this session we will

The Power of Love, Adoration & Praise
2. Give Your Partner What They
learn about the levels of giving and relationship and the natural
Really Need
consequences they create for you and your partner.
3. The Discipline of Being Yourself: Emanate &
Express Your Natural Essence & True Core

The Discipline of the day is “Loving No Matter What.” Often in

4. Discipline of Positive Intent: Eliminate
relationship, we give only until we become uncomfortable, or
something upsets or distracts us, and then we withdraw. That kind
3. Create and Build Trust and Respect
Threats & Judgment & Remember The
of giving can actually cause more damage. The truest gift comes
Power of Language

from a long-term commitment, irrespective of short-term returns.

5. The Discipline of Freedom: The Power of
4. Reclaim Playfulness, Presence, Forgiving, Forgetting & Flooding
and Passion

6. The Discipline of Daily Intimacy: SCORE MARCUS AND BELLE ON THE 7 MASTER RELATIONSHIP
SKILLS
Full Engagement—Open Your Heart &
Hold Nothing Back

In this intervention, Cloé observed how Marcus and Belle rebuilt

5. Harness Courage and Embrace

their relationship by building up their 7 Relationship Skills. What

Honesty
7. The Discipline of Polarity: The Power of
Dancing Energies did you observe? Did you see the relationship skills being activated
and leading to the next level of relationship? Let's start by scoring
Marcus and Belle. Remember, this is your way to sharpen your
powers of observation so that you can create progress in your
8. The Discipline of Loving Truth: The Power
6. Uncover and Create Alignment
relationship!
of Vulnerability

SKILL 1: HEARTFELT UNDERSTANDING

9. The Discipline of Utilization: The Power

Marcus's Score:_____
of Higher Meaning & Constant Growth

What did Marcus understand or misunderstand about his

7. Live Consciously: Be An Example

wife's needs? Did he put her first?

(Skill 7 applies to all 10
Disciplines of Love) 10. The Discipline of Gratitude & Giving:
Appreciation is the Power

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

“The essential conditions of everything

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
you do must be choice, love, passion.” _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
—Nadia Boulanger

88 89
 SKILL 2: GIVE YOUR PARTNER WHAT THEY REALLY NEED
What did Marcus learn during the course of the conversation? Marcus's Score:_____
How did that change him? How did that change her? Which of Belle's needs was Marcus meeting? At what level
was he meeting them? Why?
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

Was Marcus loving Belle no matter what? How did that

affect their relationship?
Belle's Score:_____
What did Belle understand or fail to understand about _________________________________________________
Marcus' needs? Where did that lead them?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
Belle's Score:_____
_________________________________________________
Which of Marcus' needs did Belle meet or fail to meet?
_________________________________________________ What was her motivation?

_________________________________________________

What helped Belle to understand Marcus? Was it more _________________________________________________

information, or was it going into her heart? _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
Was Belle loving Marcus no matter what, or not? What
_________________________________________________
were her conditions?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

90 91
SKILL 3: CREATE AND BUILD TRUST AND RESPECT SKILL 4: RECLAIM PLAYFULNESS, PRESENCE, AND PASSION
Marcus's Score:_____ Marcus's Score:_____
Had Marcus been building or destroying trust with Belle? Why weren't they enjoying daily intimacy? Did they have
What was his thinking? polarity?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

What could Marcus have done to build trust? What did he What did Marcus learn about how to spark playfulness and
learn during the conversation? passion?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

Belle's Score:_____ Belle's Score:_____

How was Belle thinking about Marcus' intentions towards Was Belle open to Marcus or not? What did she expect him
her? to do? Was that reasonable?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

Did Belle give Marcus freedom, or guilt? What was fair or What did Belle learn about playfulness? How did that serve
unfair about her behavior? their relationship?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

92 93
SKILL 5: HARNESS COURAGE AND EMBRACE HONESTY SKILL 6: UNCOVER AND CREATE ALIGNMENT
Marcus's Score:_____ Marcus's Score:_____
In the beginning, the couple was honest, at least about How was the couple aligned in the beginning? How did
sexual matters. What happened? they lose that?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

If Marcus had practiced loving honesty, what would he have What had to happen for Marcus to regain alignment with
communicated to Belle? Belle? What did he have to give her?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

Belle's Score:_____ Belle's Score:_____

When Belle was rejecting Marcus, what was she being How did Belle deal with their lack of alignment? What
honest about? How was she being dishonest? could she have done?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

How could Belle have practiced loving and courageous How did Belle align to spark new passion in their
honesty with Marcus? What did she learn? relationship?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

94 95
SKILL 7: LIVE CONSCIOUSLY: BE AN EXAMPLE Do you know any individuals or couples like Marcus and
Marcus's Score:_____ Belle? What did you learn from Marcus and Belle's example?
How conscious was Marcus of his needs and his options
before, when he was having his affair?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ Notes

_________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________
How did Marcus react to Belle's example? How did he
learn to create a new example? _______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________
Belle's Score:_____
How did Belle's examples in life lead her into trouble? _______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________

How did Belle create a new example of passion and _______________________________________________________

intimacy? What did she have to let go of?
_______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

96 97
WHAT DID YOU LEARN? POINTS TO REMEMBER: WHAT LEVEL ARE YOU?
The challenge is how to build your relationship to a steady
THE THREE LEVELS OF RELATIONSHIP level three. Your relationship is a reflection of the level you

1
LEVEL ONE: SELFISH LOVE: MY NEEDS COME FIRST are playing at. For example, if you play at level three, giving
This is the least mature level—one or both partners are unconditionally, and your partner consistently plays at level
focused on meeting their own needs first. The relationship one, focusing on meeting his or her needs, the relationship
is fragile. There is an erosion of trust and togetherness, cannot stay at level three. Eventually the level three partner
and there is regular conflict or dispute. Every gesture, will feel taken advantage of and lose trust in the relationship.
every gift, every concession or compromise has strings That is why you cannot consistently keep a partner who is
attached. Nothing is given out of free will, only out of a operating at a higher level than you are—either you will
wish for barter, fairness, or personal gain. Everything is a pull that partner down, or that partner will realize that you
ploy, a calculation, an advance payment creating debt. It is cannot operate at his or her level. The only way to improve
difficult to accept love because we never know what the your relationship potential, then, is to change the level you
price might be. are playing at. Now take a moment to ask yourself: At
which level do you spend most of your time? At which level
have you operated in your relationship? One, two, or three?

2
LEVEL TWO: CONDITIONAL LOVE: YOU GET YOURS AND I
GET MINE _________________________________________________
This level is based on a subtle agreement between the _________________________________________________
couple: “you get yours and I get mine.” Because there is
always a weighing of mine and yours, there is the ever- _________________________________________________
present danger of devolving to level one selfishness: where
I didn't get mine, so you don't get yours. In many couples, _________________________________________________
level two is based on common consideration and fair _________________________________________________
exchange, but often there is so much independence and
inequality between the couple, that the partners lose the _________________________________________________
ability to move each other at all. Everything is polite,
chummy, and sexually neutral. _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

3
LEVEL THREE: UNCONDITIONAL LOVE: THE OTHER'S NEEDS
COME FIRST
FOR SINGLES:
Both partners put each other first and passion flows. When
a partner discovers the other's need, he or she serves that Which level have you primarily been at in former relationships?
need spontaneously in the best way possible without calculating What level are you committed to playing at in your future
a payback. The partner's are constantly making the effort to relationship? What will that do for you and your partner?
understand each other better in order to serve each other. _________________________________________________
They have figured each other out and know how to pleasure
each other intensely. They love each other unconditionally _________________________________________________
and nothing is needed for the love to be expressed. When
there is a foundation of trust, you can express yourselves _________________________________________________
in darker and naughtier ways to give your relationship a _________________________________________________
suspenseful edge. If the “center of gravity” of your
relationship is at level three, you are “in the zone,” _________________________________________________
enjoying one of the most rare and precious experiences
of life. _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

98 99
RELATIONSHIP DEADLOCKS Are you the person making the request or are you the person
A deadlock takes place when one partner makes a request saying “no?” How important is the request to the person
and is repeatedly denied. The partner making the request making it? How important is it to the person saying “no?”
asks again in a more forceful, controlling, or indirect way, _________________________________________________
while the other continues to resist and withhold, until all
giving and receiving in the relationship becomes an implicit _________________________________________________
battle for control. The basis of relationship is the feeling
that needs are met and shared. Every time that a partner's _________________________________________________
needs are disrespected, resisted, or ignored, the relationship _________________________________________________
deteriorates. Every time a partner does something to
selfishly gain control, both partners lose confidence that _________________________________________________
their needs can be shared. Now take a moment and think
of a recent time when your partner requested something
from you. How did you perceive the request? Did you What are the emotions that now surround this request? How
perceive it in a level one way—as a demand upon you? do you and your partner respond when the issue comes up?
Did you perceive it in a level two way—assessing whether
_________________________________________________
the request was fair or justified? Or in a level three way—
where you seized the opportunity to put your partner's _________________________________________________
needs first?
_________________________________________________
FOR SINGLES: Answer these questions in relation to a
_________________________________________________
former relationship.
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ FOR SINGLES: What can you decide to do from now on to

avoid relationship deadlocks in the future?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

100 101
ROLE MODELS How have your role models affected your relationships?
We all have role models who have influenced our lives, How has their example helped you, and how has it created
consciously or unconsciously. When you realize someone limitations?
has been your role model, it is important to ask what kind _________________________________________________
of results your role model has gotten, because that will
predict what kind of results you will get from following his _________________________________________________
or her example. Now take a moment to ask yourself: whose
example influenced the way you live in relationship? Was it _________________________________________________
a parent, or a member of your family? Did you deliberately _________________________________________________
decide to imitate this person, or did you follow the example
unconsciously? What needs were you meeting by doing _________________________________________________
that? What kinds of relationships did your role model have?
Were they level one selfish relationships? Were they level _________________________________________________
two relationships based on exchange, partnership, respect, _________________________________________________
and doing the right thing? Or were they level three—
where the partners passionately put the other first? How
did this person's example affect your life? What positive What beliefs have you held unconsciously about what a
consequences have come about? What are the limiting or relationship must be, or what must be avoided? Are there
negative consequences of this role model? ways that you have protected yourself or held back from
your intimate partner?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Out of the Mouths of Babes

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

“You might have to guess, based on whether
they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
—Derrick, age 8

102 103
DO IT NOW: DAY 5 ASSIGNMENT: 3. What are you committed to? How are you going to
break through? How are you going to get out of yourself?
It's time to understand how the three levels of relationship What could jump this relationship to a new level?
operate in your life. Take a moment to answer these What could you share from your soul?
questions.
_________________________________________________
1. What level are you playing at in your relationship?
Level one, level two, or level three. Why are you there? _________________________________________________
W hat role model have you been using to meet your _________________________________________________
needs? What beliefs do you have? What's the
consequence of playing at that level? _________________________________________________

FOR SINGLES: Use this exercise to understand the _________________________________________________

patterns in a former relationship. _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ 4. Do it! Do something today you would usually not do.

How could you play at the highest level—the level of
_________________________________________________ ultimate relationship?
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
2. Where is your partner playing? What's their belief,
what's their fear? Why are they doing what they are _________________________________________________
doing? _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

104 105
 DAY 6

Relationship Storms:

Man Enough to Stay the Course

“In any one of our concert pianos, 243 taut

strings exert a pull of 40,000 pounds on

an iron frame. It is proof that out of

great tension may come great harmony.”

—Theodore Steinway,

President of Steinway & Sons

106 107
 DAY 6: RELATIONSHIP STORMS: MAN ENOUGH TO STAY
The 7 Master Skills The 10 Disciplines of Love THE COURSE

Trust is not formed when times are easy—it is during great stress
and uncertainty that your ongoing commitment to your partner
1. Heartfelt Understanding 1. The Discipline of Putting Your Lover First:

creates mutual trust. Today we will explore the third Master

It's Not About You!

2. The Discipline of Loving No Matter What: Relationship Skill: Creating and Building Trust and Respect.

There are three Disciplines associated with this skill: The

The Power of Love, Adoration & Praise
2. Give Your Partner What They
Discipline of Being Yourself, the Discipline of Positive Intent,
Really Need
and the Discipline of Freedom.
3. The Discipline of Being Yourself: Emanate &
Express Your Natural Essence & True Core

4. Discipline of Positive Intent: Eliminate

SCORE SAMANTHA AND DARYL ON THE 7 MASTER RELATIONSHIP
3. Create and Build Trust and Respect
Threats & Judgment & Remember The

SKILLS
Power of Language

Again, let's brush up on our observation of the 7 Master Relationship

5. The Discipline of Freedom: The Power of
Skills by going through our checklist. What did you observe in
4. Reclaim Playfulness, Presence, Forgiving, Forgetting & Flooding

Daryl and Samantha's conversation with Tony? What changed?

and Passion

6. The Discipline of Daily Intimacy: When did you notice the shift?
Full Engagement—Open Your Heart &
Hold Nothing Back
SKILL 1: HEARTFELT UNDERSTANDING
5. Harness Courage and Embrace
Daryl's Score:_____
Honesty

What did he learn? When did he get it?

7. The Discipline of Polarity: The Power of
Dancing Energies

8. The Discipline of Loving Truth: The Power _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
6. Uncover and Create Alignment of Vulnerability

9. The Discipline of Utilization: The Power _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
of Higher Meaning & Constant Growth
7. Live Consciously: Be An Example
(Skill 7 applies to all 10
10. The Discipline of Gratitude & Giving: _________________________________________________
Disciplines of Love)
Appreciation is the Power

Did you see a good example of this skill?

_________________________________________________

“Let me be my last word, _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
that I trust in your love.”

_________________________________________________
—Rabindranath Tagore

108 109
Samantha's Score:_____ Samantha's Score:_____
What was her greatest challenge with this skill? What did Samantha have to overcome to practice this skill?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

What had she not understood about Daryl? What did she learn?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

SKILL 2: GIVE YOUR PARTNER WHAT THEY REALLY NEED SKILL 3: CREATE AND BUILD TRUST AND RESPECT
Daryl's Score:_____ Daryl's Score:_____
What did he learn? What had Daryl been doing that failed to build trust and
respect in his relationship?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

Did you see a good example of this skill?

What did he learn to do that day?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

110 111
Samantha's Score:_____ Samantha's Score:_____
What was her greatest challenge with this skill? What was preventing Samantha from being playful?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

When did this turn around for her? What did she learn?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

SKILL 4: RECLAIM PLAYFULNESS, PRESENCE, AND PASSION SKILL 5: HARNESS COURAGE AND EMBRACE HONESTY
Daryl's Score:_____ Daryl's Score:_____
How much of this skill was Daryl displaying at first? What did Daryl need to communicate in order to be honest?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

Was there a moment where his ability turned around? When did this turn around?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

112 113
Samantha's Score:_____ Samantha's Score:_____
How did Samantha lack courage and honesty in the At the beginning, did Samantha feel aligned with Daryl?
beginning? Why?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

What did she learn?

What did she learn?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

SKILL 6: UNCOVER AND CREATE ALIGNMENT

Daryl's Score:_____ SKILL 7: LIVE CONSCIOUSLY: BE AN EXAMPLE
At the beginning, had Daryl created alignment? Daryl's Score:_____
What kind of example was Daryl setting for his children?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

What did Daryl do to create alignment?

How did Samantha feel about this?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

114 115
Samantha's Score:_____ WHAT DID YOU LEARN? POINTS TO REMEMBER:
What kind of example was Samantha setting?
THE ART OF BUILDING AND REBUILDING TRUST
_________________________________________________ The challenge is that trust is formed not during easy times,
_________________________________________________ but in defining moments of difficulty and stress, when our
loyalties, our priorities, and our commitment come into
_________________________________________________ question. That is why creating trust is about how to face our
deepest fears, tap into our inner strength, and bring to our
_________________________________________________ partners what they need most. When you can build trust in
times of difficulty and stress, the relationship will grow and
flourish. When during those moments you fail to increase
What would have been the consequences of this example for your trust, you will have difficulty making progress in many
her children? areas of your relationship.

_________________________________________________ The principle behind trust is quite simple. We trust people

_________________________________________________ when we feel they care about what we need. Trust is built
at those moments when the pressure is such that you are
_________________________________________________ tempted to put yourself first and put your partner's needs
second. That is precisely the time to take the opportunity
_________________________________________________ to put your partner first and so create a strong bond of trust
_________________________________________________ and love.

Trust is based on mutual high standards about meeting each

other's needs. When you and your partner are confidently
Do you know any couples or individuals like Samantha and firmly devoted to a level three relationship, all heck can
and Daryl? What did you learn from Samantha and break loose yet you know that you won't get left behind. If
Daryl's example? your mutual standards are level two, then you know you can
trust your partner as far as their needs are being met. At
some point, however, your partner may say, “Look, this is
unreasonable. I have to meet this need, and you must be
responsible for your needs as well.” At that point the
relationship has dropped to a level one, where in an environment
of scarcity, the two partners end up competing for whose
needs get met and who is going to go without. Sound
familiar? Ever heard of any divorces that took this route?
Most of us have.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

“No person really decides before they grow

up who they're going to marry. God decides
it all way before, and you get to find
out later who you're stuck with.”
—Kirsten, age 10

116 117
 3
THE FIVE STAGES OF BUILDING TRUST STAGE THREE: SHARE, LISTEN, LEARN. Tell the truth
Trust is depleted when partners lose their commitment to about your feelings and listen to your partner without
each other, let go of the other's needs, and put their own trying to fix or resolve anything. Your partner may express
individual needs first. In the same way, trust can be rebuilt doubt, hesitation, regret or disappointment. When this
by proving your commitment to your partner over time and happens, show your loving determination to put your
during periods of tests. Since trust is built by testing it, you partner first and to honor his or her need for love. Don't
can accelerate trust in your relationship by following the see your partner's feedback as an attack—see it as a
five stages of building trust in difficult circumstances. request for more love from you. Whatever your partner
says, give him or her a loving response.

5 Act of 4
STAGE FOUR: ALIGN AND CREATE VISION. Align with your
partner and create a compelling future. Hear your partner's
Love requests, learn about your partner's needs, and think of ways
to meet these underlying needs. Give him or her a loving
4 Align Vision
response. Repeat your declaration of love and commitment.
Think of ways to create a common vision of the future,
combining your needs and your partner's needs.

3 Share, Listen, Learn

5
STAGE FIVE: ACT OF LOVE. Always end difficult conversations
2 Create Heartfelt Emotion
with an act of love: a kiss, a hug, a reference to a happy
memory, a promise. If you cannot end with an act of love,
then you have not succeeded in building trust. Go back to
1 Commit and Declare
stages one through four. Remember, trust is either won or
lost, there is no third option.

Trust is built by repeating and reinforcing these five levels:

1
from commitment, to generating loving emotions, to sharing
STAGE ONE: COMMIT AND DECLARE. The basis of trust is
and listening, to giving a loving response, to aligning for a
your commitment to put your partner's needs first. You
compelling future, to acts of love. The next time you find
cannot build trust when you are focusing on yourself and
yourself in a difficult conversation with your partner, take a
putting yourself first. You cannot say that you will create
moment to understand which stage the conversation is at. Is
trust once you've gotten what you want. You must start by
your partner feeling your love, understanding, and commitment?
declaring your absolute commitment to your partner. For
Do you have heartfelt emotion towards your partner? Is it
instance, you can say: “I love you too much to argue with
safe for your partner to share his or her experience, while
you.” “I love you and I will take care of you no matter what.”
you listen? Are you capable of giving a loving response, no
matter what your partner's emotional state is? Once you and
your partner have shared and communicated, align and

2
STAGE TWO: CREATE HEARTFELT EMOTION that will bring create a shared vision, so that when you are back together,
healing and love. Breathe deeply, put your hand on your the exercise is sealed by an act of love.
heart, look into your partner's eyes and express your love.
Go back into yourself, close your eyes, breathe deeply.
Connect from your hear to his or her heart. Feel the love
that binds you. Stay in your heart until all negative
emotions are outweighed by your gratitude and love. Do
not proceed to stage three until you have heartfelt emotion
for your partner.
118 119
PRESENCE EXERCISE DO IT NOW: DAY 6 ASSIGNMENT
Today focuses on one of the most crucial skills for restoring
There is a specific exercise for creating trust on an emotional level
trust during times of conflict. As we know, the first two
in stressful times—this is the exercise Tony did with Samantha and
Master Relationship Skills are Heartfelt Understanding and
Daryl. There are two separate roles, for men and for women.
Giving to Your Partner. This heart breathing exercise will
naturally put you into your natural emotional center, where
Presence Exercise for Men: heartfelt understanding is effortless. From that state, you can
Look into her eyes. Go to what she's thinking about. Share make more heartfelt and integrated decisions for your life
her emotions. Go to her feelings even if they are negative and your relationship.
and opposing you. Don't try to change her, just be with her.
While staying physically solid and still, imagine going into 1. Think of something that has been upsetting you.
her body and feel what she's feeling, experience what she's Something that bothers you enough to make a
experiencing. Use any clues to figure out how she's feeling, physiological impact on you.
without judgment or distraction. Don't posture or position,
don't worry about what you look like. Just focus your total
2. Breathe into your heart, feel its power and intelligence.
attention on feeling and understanding her.
Don't think—return your attention to your heart—for
2 minutes.
REALITY CHECK: Presence doesn't necessarily mean staring
silently into your partner. You must know how your partner
3. When finished, ask your heart what you need to know.
communicates. If he or she is biased towards auditory
Accept the first answer.
communication, communicate your commitment verbally.
If they are visual, present visually to him or her, watching
for their response. If your partner is touch-based, your job 4. Go to your partner, give them something, and make a
is easy—caress and hold. commitment to them.

Heart Exercise for Women:

Go to your heart and let it open to him. Feel his full
presence. If he seems distracted, scared or stuck in thought,
give him a slap on the shoulder. The purpose is not to hurt
him but to give him direct feedback, to help him to be fully
engaged, bring him to full attention. Slap him to wake him
up, give him the feedback he needs. Help him to be
present for you. This is the greatest gift you can give him.
When you feel his full presence reward him with a hug
and a kiss.

REALITY CHECK: Be true to your feelings, but don't hold out

either! This is a fine line, and a time to be connected by
your heart. If you can feel your partner's earnest effort, his
confidence, and his devotion, encourage him.

120 121
 DAY 7

The Power of Connection:

Rekindling Intimacy with Your Lover

“In the room of lovers I can see with closed

eyes the beauty that dances. Behind the veils

intoxicated with love, I too dance the rhythm

of this moving world. I have lost my senses

in this world of lovers.”

—Rumi

122 123
 DAY 7: THE POWER OF CONNECTION: REKINDLING INTIMACY
The 7 Master Skills The 10 Disciplines of Love WITH YOUR LOVER

In today's session, “The Power of Connection: Rekindling Intimacy

with Your Lover,” we will explore the fourth Master Relationship
1. Heartfelt Understanding 1. The Discipline of Putting Your Lover First:

Skill of Reclaiming Playfulness, Presence, and Passion. Once you

It's Not About You!

have a basis of Heartfelt Understanding, Giving, and Trust, the next

leap is to dive into passionate intimacy. For this, the essential
2. The Discipline of Loving No Matter What:

disciplines are The Discipline of Full Engagement: Open Your

The Power of Love, Adoration & Praise
2. Give Your Partner What They
Heart and Hold Nothing Back and The Discipline of Polarity: The
Really Need
Power of Dancing Energies.
3. The Discipline of Being Yourself: Emanate &
Express Your Natural Essence & True Core

THE 7 MASTER RELATIONSHIP SKILLS SCORE CARD: SCORE

ARONTZA AND ALAN
3. Create and Build Trust and Respect 4. Discipline of Positive Intent: Eliminate
Threats & Judgment & Remember The

Often we think that we are giving our partner what is most important
Power of Language

and what they really want and are surprised to find that our love is
5. The Discipline of Freedom: The Power of not received in the way that we intended. If you watched or listened
to Arontza and Alan you know that Arontza expressed with no
4. Reclaim Playfulness, Presence, Forgiving, Forgetting & Flooding
uncertainty that she was not getting the kind of love and attention
and Passion

that she needed from her husband, even though her husband was a
loving and caring man. Even the way Alan hugged and kissed
6. The Discipline of Daily Intimacy:
Full Engagement—Open Your Heart &
Hold Nothing Back Arontza did not meet her needs for feeling loved. Sharpen your
5. Harness Courage and Embrace powers of observation and understanding of full engagement,
Honesty
7. The Discipline of Polarity: The Power of intimacy, and presence by scoring Alan and Arontza.

SKILL 1: HEARTFELT UNDERSTANDING

Dancing Energies

Alan's Score:_____
What stood in the way of showing heartfelt understanding
8. The Discipline of Loving Truth: The Power

for his wife?

6. Uncover and Create Alignment of Vulnerability

9. The Discipline of Utilization: The Power _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
of Higher Meaning & Constant Growth
7. Live Consciously: Be An Example

_________________________________________________
(Skill 7 applies to all 10
Disciplines of Love) 10. The Discipline of Gratitude & Giving:
Appreciation is the Power
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

“It is only with the heart that one sees rightly; What did he learn?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

_________________________________________________
—St. Antoine d' Exupéry
_________________________________________________

124 125
Arontza's Score:_____ Arontza's Score:_____
What did she understand about her husband? What didn't she? Which needs did Arontza satisfy for Alan? Which did she
not fulfill?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

What did she learn?

What did she learn?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
SKILL 2: GIVE YOUR PARTNER WHAT THEY REALLY NEED
Alan's Score:_____ SKILL 3: CREATE AND BUILD TRUST AND RESPECT
Which needs was Alan meeting for Arontza? Which needs Alan's Score:_____
was he not meeting? How aware was Alan about the necessity of building trust?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

What did he learn? What did he learn?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

126 127
Arontza's Score:_____ Arontza's Score:_____
What did Arontza trust/respect about Alan? What did she Was Arontza ready for Alan's presence?
not trust/respect?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

How did that affect the relationship? What did she learn? What was her greatest challenge?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
What did she learn?

_________________________________________________
SKILL 4: RECLAIM PLAYFULNESS, PRESENCE, AND PASSION
Alan's Score:_____ _________________________________________________
Where did or didn't Alan show his presence? What stood in _________________________________________________
his way?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ SKILL 5: HARNESS COURAGE AND EMBRACE HONESTY

Alan's Score:_____
_________________________________________________ Why?
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
What did he learn?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

128 129
 What did he learn? What did he learn?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

Arontza's Score:_____ Arontza's Score:_____

Why? Why?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

What was her greatest challenge? What was her greatest challenge? What did she learn?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

SKILL 6: UNCOVER AND CREATE ALIGNMENT _________________________________________________

Alan's Score:_____
Where did you see alignment or lack of alignment?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

130 131
SKILL 7: LIVE CONSCIOUSLY: BE AN EXAMPLE Do you know any couples or individuals like Arontza and Alan?
Alan's Score:_____ What did you learn from their example?
Imagine: What kind of examples was Alan following from
his own life?

_________________________________________________ Notes

_________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________
What did he learn?
_______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________

Arontza's Score:_____ _______________________________________________________

Imagine: What kind of examples was Arontza following _______________________________________________________
from her life?
_______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

What did she learn?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Out of the Mouths of Babes

_________________________________________________
“Dates are for having fun, and people should
use them to get to know each other.
_________________________________________________ Even boys have something to say

_________________________________________________
if you listen long enough.”
—Lynnette, age 8

132 133
SIX STEPS FOR RENEWING INTIMACY WITH YOUR LOVER Rank these three types in order of effectiveness in your partner:
Intimacy is about letting your partner under your skin—
physically and emotionally. It's an opening and a vulnerability Visual _______
which must be earned, not taken for granted, and once you Auditory_______
have intimacy, it must be appreciated, cherished, and cultivated.
In order to initiate intimacy, especially after a period of Kinesthetic _______
distance between you and your partner, it helps to follow
these six steps for orienting you and learning what your
partner needs. Are combinations effective for your partner? Do they need
to be told something while being touched? Or do they need

1
STEP ONE: SPECIFY WHAT, WHEN AND HOW to see your face as well as hear you?
Most people have a perceptual bias in how they experience _________________________________________________
the world. Is your partner more receptive to visual, auditory,
_________________________________________________
or kinesthetic or touch stimulus? Once you know this, you
can be much more conscious and effective in how you _________________________________________________
communicate and give to your partner. If your partner is
primarily and auditory person, keyed in to language, _________________________________________________
tonality, and rhythm, then they may not understand what
_________________________________________________
you mean when you stare lovingly into their face. On the
other hand, we all know people who do not get what you're _________________________________________________
telling them until you show them visually, or show them by
getting them to do something themselves. If you can
discover your partner's perceptual bias—whether they are Which modality do you favor: visual, auditory or kinesthetic?
most sensitive to the visual, the auditory, or the kinesthetic _________________________________________________
(bodily sensation)—you will discover the key to stimulating
_________________________________________________
intimacy in them.
_________________________________________________
Do you know how your partner responds to communication
best? Watch him or her respond to different cues during the _________________________________________________
course of the day.
_________________________________________________
Is your partner's primary modality visual, auditory or _________________________________________________
kinesthetic?
_________________________________________________
Think of a time when your partner felt loved by you. Which
_________________________________________________ modality were you communicating in? Which modality
_________________________________________________ does he or she favor?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Does your partner respond best to your facial expression,
_________________________________________________
your voice or your touch?
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

134 135
2
STEP TWO: CLARIFY NEEDS Can you think of some other, more surprising ways for
Although we all have the same 6 Human Needs, we value meeting those needs? Be creative—think of three or more
them in different proportion. Step two is to learn which your ways to meet your partner's top two needs.
partner's top two needs are and what has to happen for them
to experience those needs. Here again are the 6 Human Needs: _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
1. CERTAINTY 4. LOVE/CONNECTION
Certainty that we can be Everyone needs _________________________________________________
comfortable—to have connection with other
pleasure and to avoid human beings and _________________________________________________
pain. everyone strives for

3
and hopes for love. STEP THREE: WHO GOES FIRST?
2. UNCERTAINTY/VARIETY When neither spouse wants to be first in initiating love,
Variety and challenges 5. GROWTH then intimacy cannot flow free. However, most men and
which will exercise our When we stop growing, most women have a preference—even a fantasy—of how
emotional and physical we die. We need to the affection should flow. What is your fantasy? What is
range. constantly develop your partner's fantasy? Who should initiate?
emotionally, intellectually,
3. SIGNIFICANCE and spiritually. _________________________________________________
Every person needs to
feel special, important, 6. CONTRIBUTION _________________________________________________
needed, wanted. To go beyond your own
_________________________________________________
needs and give to others.
Everything in the _________________________________________________
universe contributes
beyond itself or it is
eliminated. Polarity is powered by the attraction of opposites. If both
partners are hanging back and waiting, there can be no
polarity, because they are imitating each other. How can
Which of these needs does your partner value most? Which
you create more polarity with your partner?
need comes in second place?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

What does your partner have to do to let you know he or she

What has to happen for your partner to feel that his or her
really desires you? Be precise: write down exact actions,
needs are being met?
looks or words.
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
136 137
4
STEP FOUR: COMMIT When do you feel deeply connected to your partner?
If you are weighing alternatives to your relationship you are
not committed, meaning that your relationship is dying, not _________________________________________________
growing. Passion comes from an element of uncertainty and
even discomfort. If you want to experience the fullness of _________________________________________________
passion, you need to step out of your comfort zones and _________________________________________________
take some risks. Which risks have you been avoiding in
your relationship? _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

Heart Meditation: How can you increase the frequency and intensity of those
This meditation puts you in touch with your heartfelt inner times when you feel deeply connected to your partner?
strength. Whenever you feel overwhelmed with feelings and
thoughts, this simple meditation can cut through complications _________________________________________________
and anxieties and remind you of what matters most to you.
_________________________________________________
Breathe into your heart and feel its power. Think of a
_________________________________________________
moment in your life when you felt deeply connected and
grateful for your partner, for his or her love. Breathe deeply _________________________________________________
and close your eyes. Keep other thoughts away. Feel your
heart beating and breathe into your heart. Think of a time _________________________________________________
when you felt really connected and grateful for your partner.
_________________________________________________
Think of a second time when you felt really grateful for
having your partner. Think of another time when you felt _________________________________________________
grateful for your partner and when you felt loved by
him/her. Breathe deeply into your heart and think of another
time you felt connected, maybe a sexy moment. Ask
How can you strengthen your commitment to your
yourself in this state: What do I need to do to reach in and
relationship?
feel and connect with my partner, to have him/her feel my
inner strength and my inner love? Now open your eyes
_________________________________________________
and do whatever is natural.
_________________________________________________

Ask Yourself: _________________________________________________

Why are you grateful for your partner?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
138 139
5 6
STEP FIVE: EXPERIMENT STEP SIX: OPEN UP
You need to experiment with many ways of giving. Watch Intimacy is a matter of the heart—don't expect to succeed
to see which things your lover enjoys most, and give him or unless you are willing to feel your connection with your
her more of that. Be creative. One of the beauties of the 6 partner. Relax, breathe into your heart and enjoy whatever
Human Needs is that there are many ways of meeting them. happens. Have either you or your partner created barriers to
intimacy? If so, what can you do to remove the barriers?
Remember what you wrote in Step One about how your _________________________________________________
partner communicates best. What are some new ways that
you could show your partner that you love her/him? _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
1. _______________________________________________ _________________________________________________
2. _______________________________________________ _________________________________________________
3. _______________________________________________ _________________________________________________
4. _______________________________________________ _________________________________________________
5. _______________________________________________

6. _______________________________________________
What can you do to open yourself to more intimacy?
7. _______________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Don't be discouraged if some of them don't work. This is a _________________________________________________
process of elimination! Keep note of how your partner
responds and learn from it. _________________________________________________

Are there some activities or special things from your early _________________________________________________
dating period that you can reintroduce into your relationship _________________________________________________
that will increase intimacy?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
How can you help your partner to become more open to
_________________________________________________ intimacy and passion?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

140 141
DO IT NOW: DAY 7 ASSIGNMENT
PRACTICE POLARITY
One partner takes on the masculine position and the other
the feminine. The masculine pays intense attention to the
feminine as they both stand looking into each other's eyes.
The feminine pays attention to her feelings to see if and
when she/he is moved by the masculine presence. When the
feminine feels the other's presence she will be moved and
respond spontaneously. The feminine may test the strength
and dedication of the masculine and the masculine must stay
the course without recoiling or withdrawing. During this
practice, cultivate the moments of success and learn what
works for your partner. Focus on Love and on the yearning
to understand and to feel what is going on inside your partner.
Don't focus on your own needs. Remember that your partner
is who he/she is and you cannot change your partner, you
can only change yourself.

For Men Only: give your woman your presence. Get rooted
in your life purpose and what you want to deliver to your
woman.

For Women: open up to your man's efforts—don't fake, don't

block them. Be aware and open.

142 143
 DAY 8

Taking Off Your Mask:

The Power of Light and Dark

“Passion begins where your bodies unite and ends

where your souls dance. When your spirits can

join together at the same time as your bodies become

one, then all of you will be making love. There

will be nothing left between you that is not love.

This is sacred communion. This is ecstasy.”

—Barbara D’Angelis

144 145
 DAY 8: TAKING OFF YOUR MASK: THE POWER OF LIGHT
The 7 Master Skills The 10 Disciplines of Love AND DARK

Here again we explore the fourth Master Relationship Skill of

Reclaiming Playfulness, Presence, and Passion. A crucial part of
1. Heartfelt Understanding 1. The Discipline of Putting Your Lover First:

relationship lies in your ability to influence your partner's feelings

It's Not About You!

and needs. Being playful, present, and passionate—and practicing

the Discipline of Polarity—are ways to get into your partner and
2. The Discipline of Loving No Matter What:

stimulate the passionate play that relationship is all about.

The Power of Love, Adoration & Praise
2. Give Your Partner What They
Really Need
3. The Discipline of Being Yourself: Emanate &

SCORE JUSTIN AND RUTH ON THE 7 MASTER RELATIONSHIP

Express Your Natural Essence & True Core

4. Discipline of Positive Intent: Eliminate

SKILLS
3. Create and Build Trust and Respect
Take a moment to sharpen your observation and understanding of
Threats & Judgment & Remember The

Justin and Ruth's progress during their conversation with Tony.

Power of Language

When initiating intimacy and passionate love in your own

relationships, everybody encounters obstacles and moments of
5. The Discipline of Freedom: The Power of
uncertainty. The better you are at understanding how human
4. Reclaim Playfulness, Presence, Forgiving, Forgetting & Flooding

needs are met and how relationship skills are strengthened, the
and Passion

6. The Discipline of Daily Intimacy: greater results you'll have in your own relationship.
Full Engagement—Open Your Heart &
Hold Nothing Back SKILL 1: HEARTFELT UNDERSTANDING
Justin's Score:_____
5. Harness Courage and Embrace
How did Justin understand his wife? What did he not
Honesty

understand?
7. The Discipline of Polarity: The Power of
Dancing Energies

8. The Discipline of Loving Truth: The Power _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
6. Uncover and Create Alignment of Vulnerability

9. The Discipline of Utilization: The Power _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
of Higher Meaning & Constant Growth
7. Live Consciously: Be An Example
(Skill 7 applies to all 10
10. The Discipline of Gratitude & Giving: _________________________________________________
Disciplines of Love)
Appreciation is the Power

What changed?

_________________________________________________

“Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.” _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
—Woody Allen

146 147
Ruth's Score:_____ Ruth's Score:_____
What was Ruth's attitude towards Justin at first? Which of Justin's needs was Ruth meeting? Which were not
being met?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
What happened during the course of the conversation?
What did she learn?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
SKILL 2: GIVE YOUR PARTNER WHAT THEY REALLY NEED
Justin's Score:_____ SKILL 3: CREATE AND BUILD TRUST AND RESPECT
Which of Ruth's needs was Justin meeting? Which were not Justin's Score:_____
being met? Was Justin practicing the discipline of being himself?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

Which needs in particular did he learn to meet in her? What did he learn to do?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

148 149
Ruth's Score:_____ Ruth's Score:_____
What did Ruth trust in Justin? Was that enough? What did Ruth need in order to become playful?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

What did she have to overcome in order to experience trust? What was the turning point in her ability to experience passion?
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

SKILL 4: RECLAIM PLAYFULNESS, PRESENCE, AND PASSION SKILL 5: HARNESS COURAGE AND EMBRACE HONESTY
Justin's Score:_____ Justin's Score:_____
What prevented Justin from being present, passionate, What kind of courage did Justin need?
and playful?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

What did he learn?

What did he learn was necessary for passion? What was
not necessary? _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

150 151
Ruth's Score:_____ Ruth's Score:_____
Where did Ruth need courage? What did Ruth have to do for alignment to take place?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

What was her turning point? Do you believe that this couple is aligned now?
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

SKILL 6: UNCOVER AND CREATE ALIGNMENT SKILL 7: LIVE CONSCIOUSLY: BE AN EXAMPLE

Justin's Score:_____ Justin's Score:_____
What kind of alignment did this couple have at first? Imagine: what kinds of examples had been guiding Justin?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

How did Justin find alignment with Ruth? What kind of example does he need to create?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

152 153
Ruth's Score:_____ WHAT DID YOU LEARN? POINTS TO REMEMBER
What kind of examples do you think Ruth had?
THE ROLES WE PLAY
_________________________________________________ Some of the greatest relationship limitations come from the
_________________________________________________ feeling that we need to behave in certain, restricted ways.
For many couples there is such a sense of decorum and
_________________________________________________ consideration, that this blocks the assertive, familiarity that
makes intimacy possible. Today we want to work on the
_________________________________________________ ways that we break through these restrictions and express
_________________________________________________ ourselves in a heartfelt, passionate way.

Are there things that you don't say or do for fear of being
What will it take for their new example to flourish? criticized?
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

Do you know any individuals or couples like Justin and Ruth?

Are there lines that you don't cross with your partner?
_________________________________________________ How do you hold back?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
What did you learn from Justin and Ruth's example?
What happens as a result of holding back? What are you
_________________________________________________ not sharing?
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

154 155
 What would you share or give if you knew it was absolutely A more implicit way of asking for ice cream would be
safe? “Wouldn't some ice cream taste good right now?” And an
even more implicit way of saying that would be “Do you
_________________________________________________ like ice cream?” or “Would you like some ice cream?”
_________________________________________________
Very typically, one partner fails to understand the other
_________________________________________________ partner's implicit communication, leading to frustration
and confusion. How would you have responded to these
_________________________________________________ questions? Would you have known that your partner was
_________________________________________________ actually asking you to pull over?

FOR SINGLES: Answer these questions in relation to a

Are you willing to keep your focus and connection with former relationship.
your partner even when you are criticized?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
Are there times in your relationship where you may not be
IMPLICIT AND EXPLICIT COMMUNICATION understanding your partner's implicit requests? Are your
requests being understood?
Men tend to communicate explicitly—saying factually what
they want and what they mean. Women tend to communicate _________________________________________________
implicitly—with more awareness of the subtler emotional
and interactive dynamics. In most traditional cultures, it is _________________________________________________
the man's job to initiate—to pursue the woman romantically.
_________________________________________________
Many women still expect that the man will have the direction,
the resolve and the desire to initiate. What confuses men _________________________________________________
most is when women make an implicit suggestion (that he
initiate, that he do something for her, that he take charge) _________________________________________________
and then seem to change their mind. This is “testing”
—testing to see whether the man will follow through with
his initiative. When the feminine partner is testing her How can you be more sensitive to each other's communication
masculine partner, she is asking, testing, wondering, checking, styles? How could you be more clear with a masculine
reassuring herself, that he desires her and that he will follow listener? How could you be more sensitive and proactive
through no matter what. with a feminine listener?

_________________________________________________
Let's practice implicit and explicit communication. Imagine
That you're driving with your partner and one of you would _________________________________________________
like to stop and get an ice cream. An explicit way of
communicating that would be “Hey, can we stop there for _________________________________________________
a second? I really feel like an ice cream.” _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
156 157
EXPAND YOUR IDENTITY: LIGHT AND DARK In your relationship, do you cultivate a safe place with your
Everyone has an emotional spectrum that runs from “light” partner where you can get away from your responsibilities?
emotions of loyalty, understanding and service to “dark” _________________________________________________
emotions of sexual desire, naughtiness and sexual possession.
When partners restrict their range of emotional expression _________________________________________________
they restrict their passion.
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
EXERCISE: FIND YOUR PARTNER’S FORBIDDEN NAME
Often what we look for in passionate intimacy is a complete _________________________________________________
vacation from our everyday life. Intimacy is a great way to
relax from typical roles and responsibilities and to experience
Do you and your partner have rituals where you connect and
uncertainty, excitement, and spontaneity. In the audio
love each other?
session, Ruth needed to get away from the burden of being
so responsible for everything and everybody. What Justin _________________________________________________
needed was a way of breaking her pattern of stress and
responsibility, sweeping her off of her feet, and taking her _________________________________________________
into passionate exchange. To this purpose, Tony helped
_________________________________________________
Justin and Ruth to discover her “forbidden name.” This is
a name which Ruth would never admit to herself was sexy, _________________________________________________
crazy, and attractive. It seemed like the last thing she
wanted or needed, but “Roxy” was there, right below the _________________________________________________
surface. Now, ask yourself: does your lover have nicknames
that you may not have discovered yet?
Do you know what to do to make your partner feel cherished
_________________________________________________ and taken care of?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

How could you make use of your lover's nicknames to _________________________________________________

create a feeling of love and playfulness?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
For men, what can you do to take charge of the situation so
_________________________________________________
your woman can relax and simply enjoy your initiative in
_________________________________________________ loving her?

_________________________________________________

What activities, thoughts and fantasies can you indulge in _________________________________________________

to bring out your feminine/your masculine?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

158 159
For women, what can you do to relax and open emotionally DO IT NOW: DAY 8 ASSIGNMENT
so that your man can enjoy your happiness and emotion?
1. What rules are getting in the way of your relationship?
_________________________________________________ What are your rules about how to be? The worst difficulty
is when one person in the relationship takes on a new
_________________________________________________ role (mother, father, husband, wife) and imposes that on
_________________________________________________ the relationship. Don't unconsciously impose old rules
and beliefs onto your relationship. What rule needs to be
_________________________________________________ taken out of your relationship—about sensuality, what's
bad, what's appropriate?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

Create a ritual that you will practice once a day and a ritual _________________________________________________
that you will practice once a week where both of you can
_________________________________________________
relax and enjoy intimacy. It may be physical intimacy or it
may be a cup of tea, a few extra minutes in bed talking, or _________________________________________________
a walk. What will you commit to do with each other?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ 2. What's a belief that you need to bring into the relationship—
an identity, a role, an emotion. What's one for you?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

3. What's an identity, or two or three, for you to play with,

and play with each other. To open each other up more.

_________________________________________________

Out of the Mouths of Babes _________________________________________________

When is it okay to kiss someone? _________________________________________________

“The law says you have to be eighteen, _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”

_________________________________________________
—Curt, age 7

160 161
4. If you're the man, what are you going to do to initiate?
How are you going to light up your partner in ways that
may surprise them? How could you stimulate your
partner's dark side?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

Notes

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

162 163
 DAY 9

Finding Your True Passion:

The Power of Honesty in Action

“In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth

becomes a revolutionary act.”

—George Orwell

164 165
 DAY 9: FINDING YOUR TRUE PASSION: THE POWER
The 7 Master Skills The 10 Disciplines of Love OF HONESTY IN ACTION

We will explore the fifth Master Relationship Skill of Harnessing

Courage and Embracing Honesty. At any point in your relationship—
1. Heartfelt Understanding 1. The Discipline of Putting Your Lover First:

and even when you're in a great state—it is important to practice

It's Not About You!

honesty and courage in the moment. This means communicating

your feelings without either suppressing the truth or offending your
2. The Discipline of Loving No Matter What:

partner. If you don't do this, suppressed emotion will build up and

The Power of Love, Adoration & Praise
2. Give Your Partner What They
explode. The Discipline for today is the Discipline of Loving Truth:
Really Need
The Power of Vulnerability.
3. The Discipline of Being Yourself: Emanate &
Express Your Natural Essence & True Core

4. Discipline of Positive Intent: Eliminate

SCORE KAREN AND WARREN ON THE 7 MASTER RELATIONSHIP
3. Create and Build Trust and Respect
Threats & Judgment & Remember The

SKILLS
Power of Language

5. The Discipline of Freedom: The Power of Take a moment to sharpen your skills of observation. Remember,
this is the way to master the 7 Relationship Skills—observe their
4. Reclaim Playfulness, Presence, Forgiving, Forgetting & Flooding
strengths and weaknesses, and what consequences these bring. High
and Passion

standards in life and in relationship comes from being fully aware

of the consequences of having low standards.
6. The Discipline of Daily Intimacy:
Full Engagement—Open Your Heart &
Hold Nothing Back
5. Harness Courage and Embrace
SKILL 1: HEARTFELT UNDERSTANDING
Honesty
Warren's Score:_____
7. The Discipline of Polarity: The Power of

What did he understand? What didn't he understand?

Dancing Energies

_________________________________________________
8. The Discipline of Loving Truth: The Power
6. Uncover and Create Alignment of Vulnerability
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
9. The Discipline of Utilization: The Power
of Higher Meaning & Constant Growth
_________________________________________________
7. Live Consciously: Be An Example
(Skill 7 applies to all 10
_________________________________________________
Disciplines of Love) 10. The Discipline of Gratitude & Giving:
Appreciation is the Power

What did he learn?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
“Where there is love, there is life.”

_________________________________________________
—Mahatma Gandhi

166 167
Karen's Score:_____ Karen's Score:_____
What did she understand or fail to understand? Which of Warren's needs was she meeting? Which wasn't
she meeting?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
What did she learn?
What did she learn?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
SKILL 2: GIVE YOUR PARTNER WHAT THEY REALLY NEED
Warren's Score:_____ SKILL 3: CREATE AND BUILD TRUST AND RESPECT
Which of Karen's needs was Warren meeting? Which wasn't Warren's Score:_____
he meeting? What did Warren trust or mistrust in Karen? In himself?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

What did he learn? What did he learn?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

168 169
Karen's Score:_____ Karen's Score:_____
What Karen feel certain about? Positive or negative? Did Karen know she needed playfulness, presence, and
passion? Why?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
What did she learn?
What did she learn?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
SKILL 4: RECLAIM PLAYFULNESS, PRESENCE, AND PASSION
Warren's Score:_____ SKILL 5: HARNESS COURAGE AND EMBRACE HONESTY
What happened when Warren became present? Warren's Score:_____
Where did Warren run out of courage and honesty?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

What did he learn?

What did he learn?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

170 171
Karen's Score:_____ Karen's Score:_____
What was Karen honest about? Where wasn't she being What kind of alignment did Karen find or fail to find?
honest?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
What did she learn?
What did she learn?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
SKILL 7: LIVE CONSCIOUSLY: BE AN EXAMPLE
SKILL 6: UNCOVER AND CREATE ALIGNMENT Warren's Score:_____
Warren's Score:_____ Imagine: what kind of examples were operating in Warren's
Did this couple come into alignment? life?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

What did he learn? What kind of example was he setting for Karen?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

172 173
Karen's Score:_____ WHAT DID YOU LEARN? POINTS TO REMEMBER
What kind of example did Karen need in her life?
When partners have trouble getting to clear, effective communication,
_________________________________________________ it is likely that they are stumbling into a “double-bind” that is
blocking their ability to make the relationship thrive.
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ Definition:

What did she learn? A double-bind is the simultaneous communication of two

incongruous injunctions within the context of an intense
_________________________________________________ relationship. You must take action, but you are given mixed
messages on how to act and you feel that you are “damned
_________________________________________________
if you do, damned if you don't.” This is one of the main
_________________________________________________ reasons why people don't take action.

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Let's look at some examples:

Do you know any individuals or couples like Karen and Someone tells you to “be spontaneous.” This is a
Warren? What did you learn from Karen and Warren's paradox—they are directing you to act on your own
example? accord but it is impossible to fulfill the command
without violating it as well. If you say or do
_________________________________________________ something in response to the person's command,
you are not being spontaneous—you are merely
_________________________________________________ reacting to the order. On the other hand, if you do
nothing, you are also not being spontaneous.
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ A wife wants her husband to make more money, but

she hates it when he stays at work late. If working
_________________________________________________ late is necessary to making more money, then he
doesn't feel that he can win.
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ The double-bind is not an abstract concept. It is one of the most

common triggers we have for feelings of helplessness and frustration
_________________________________________________ at not being able to take action. In fact, you could say that “where
there is inaction, there is a double-bind”—there is a failure to get
rewarded for taking a course of action.

174 175
The Structure of Injunctions in Straightforward Communication: 5 STEPS FOR OVERCOMING DOUBLE-BINDS

1
Successful, straightforward communication follows a certain order. STEP ONE: UNDERSTAND THE TWO CONTRADICTORY
MESSAGES AND THEIR CONSEQUENCES
Step One: A request is made, i.e. “Bring me a Double-binding communication is, in fact, very common
glass of water.” in every day life. Here are some questions to guide you to
uncover confusion and uncertainty and to decide on how
Step Two: The request is fulfilled, i.e. I bring you to respond to double-binds.
a glass of water. FOR SINGLES: Answer these questions in relation to a
former relationship.
Step Three: Fulfillment of the request is
acknowledged, i.e. “Thank you.” Are there any areas of your life where there is inaction
or a major problem?

_________________________________________________
The Structure of Injunctions in Double-Bind Communication:
Double-bind communication interrupts straightforward communication _________________________________________________
and prevents a successful outcome.
_________________________________________________
Step One: A request is made, i.e. “Come give me _________________________________________________
a hug.”
_________________________________________________
Step Two: The request is fulfilled, i.e. I come over
and hug you. Have you put yourself in a double-bind situation? Be aware
that you probably have double-binds in a number of your
Step Three: Fulfillment of the request is prevented, relationships—at home, at work, with a friend. Think of
i.e. as I hug you, you push me away. one relationship where there has been a failure to take
decisive action, can you see a double-bind there? What
double-bind messages do you get in your love relationship?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

The first message in a double-bind situation is the direct

command that is spoken out loud. What, in your case, was
Out of the Mouths of Babes the first message?

What do most people do on a date? _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
“On the first date, they just tell each

_________________________________________________
other lies, and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date.”

_________________________________________________
—Martin, age 10

176 177
 The second message in a double-bind is the incongruent or What will happen if you continue to be double bound in
opposite message. Often times this is the “hidden” message. that way? Are you willing to continue to live with those
What was your second message? consequences?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
What do you do when you feel double bound? Which
message do you respond to? _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Now think of a relationship in your life where you are the
_________________________________________________ senior member (at work, with your children, with your siblings).
Can you think of a time when you may have “set” a double-
_________________________________________________ bind? Did you ask for something that you did not permit to
happen? Did you ask for something that you did not reward
or acknowledge?
What do you feel would happen if you failed to respond to
one of the messages? What would be the actual consequences?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
.
_________________________________________________
2
STEP TWO: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN POWER
What does it mean to take responsibility for your own _________________________________________________
power? Does it mean that you beat yourself up with guilt
about what you did or didn't do in the past? Does it mean
that you “positive think” yourself until you become power- What was the impact on that relationship?
ful in real life? Simply put, taking responsibility means that
you are deciding to value the solution over the problem. _________________________________________________
You can continue to feel that you're “damned if you do and _________________________________________________
damned if you don't” or you can simply decide to get out of
your dilemma and find another way. _________________________________________________

Think of the consequences of the double-binds in your life. _________________________________________________

Were you really double bound, or did you double bound _________________________________________________
yourself? Look back and be honest. Don't beat yourself up;
just be honest. _________________________________________________

178 179
 3
How could you make your communication and your desires STEP THREE: RECOGNIZE THE INTERNAL CONFLICTS THAT LED
more clear? Remember, double-binds occur out of a lack of TO THE DOUBLE-BIND
clarity. Specifically, double-binds occur from wanting The secret to overcoming a double-bind in a relationship is
someone to do something specific, but to do it of their own to recognize your partner's needs and to focus on meeting
accord. Can you think of a way that you may have ordered them. Look beneath the surface and see what your partner's
someone to do something “of their own accord?” true needs are. Double-binds within relationships come
from a mixture of desire and fear. If you can understand
_________________________________________________ your partner's needs and fears, you can instantly resolve the
double-bind.
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ If someone in your life is giving you mixed or contradictory

messages, instead of getting confused, try understanding
_________________________________________________ which needs they are trying to meet (certainty, uncertainty/
variety, significance, love, growth, contribution). Think of
_________________________________________________ new ways that you can meet your partner's needs. The double-
_________________________________________________ bind communication is a wake-up call to understand and
respond to your partner's needs. Which of your partner's
_________________________________________________ needs are not being met? Remember, if you can understand
your partner's needs, you can resolve the double-bind
immediately.
What actually happened? How effective was your
communication? Did you get what you wanted?
What are your partner's rules for meeting this need?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ How can you meet your partner's needs in new and surprising
ways?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
How can you be more clear about your desires? How could
you be more careful about rewarding this person for their efforts? _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Most double-binds come from a conflict between the need for
_________________________________________________ stimulus and the need to feel safe. How can you provide both?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

180 181
 How are you going to reconcile the two sets of needs? How Are you here to obey your partner, or to serve them
are you going to make sure that both you and your partner passionately from your heart?
get your needs met?
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

4
STEP FOUR: CLARIFY WHO YOU REALLY ARE
5
STEP FIVE: DEMONSTRATE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, PASSION,
A thriving, passionate relationship is rarely based on
AND INITIATIVE
obedience and conformity to the other's wishes. Romance
As we have seen over and over, intellectual knowledge will
requires more initiative. Relationships that are fully alive
only get you so far. You could go through the first three
will usually have the partners looking deeply into each
steps of overcoming a double-bind—understanding, taking
other's needs, finding surprising and passionate ways to
responsibility and clarifying—but this will not help you
serve and even challenge each other. When the partners
unless you implement what you know in a strong way.
disagree, they speak their mind with passion! That is the
Especially if you have been habitually double bound for
route to passionate honesty and intimacy.
more than a few days, you will need to take strong action
to regain your freedom, your emotional muscle, and your
So here's the bottom line about double-binds: double-binds
partner's greater happiness.
come from trying to “obey” the person “setting” the double-
bind. You can be double bound as a child by your parents
What kind of action can you take to show your partner
or as an adult by your boss or by your superior in a
what you're made of?
hierarchical organization such as the military. However,
if you are double bound in your romantic relationship, you
_________________________________________________
need to make a quantum shift in your thinking. You will
not get the relationship you want from “obeying” your _________________________________________________
partner like a child—especially if you do not necessarily
agree with your partner's demands. Of course, a relationship _________________________________________________
is a two-way street and does require compromise,
_________________________________________________
negotiation, discussion, and giving to the other even when
you don't fully understand. These are different from blind _________________________________________________
obedience. If you care about your partner, ask them what's
really going on! Figure it out!
What does your partner care about? What does your partner
What are you willing to do in order to meet your partner's need?
deepest needs?
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

182 183
Step five is about making absolutely sure that you act on What are some rules your partner has about having his or
what you know. If you or your partner have been double her needs met?
bound for a long time, it is going to feel unfamiliar to be
proactive and free. If you are accustomed to being stuck _________________________________________________
and conforming to dilemmas, it may seem difficult to skip
over the usual ineffective dilemmas and go straight for your _________________________________________________
partner's needs. The main lesson here is to observe your _________________________________________________
partner closely for what they like and what they need and
then to just decide to give them what they need. _________________________________________________

Take note of your partner's needs. Discover not only which _________________________________________________
of the 6 Needs they favor most but also what their rules are
for having their needs met. Some people only feel significant
Which of these rules make sense? Which of them do not
if they are told something in a certain tone of voice or see a
make sense? Do you see any internal contradiction?
certain facial expression. Others feel significant when having
_________________________________________________
their hand held. You can do this indirectly by observing
your partner or by directly asking your partner what you _________________________________________________
can do for them that they would enjoy.
_________________________________________________
It is also a good idea to go over with your partner what you
_________________________________________________
believe are his or her needs. Your partner may feel his/her
needs are different from what you believe them to be. _________________________________________________
Discuss ways for each of you to have your needs met.
Remember that a thriving, passionate relationship is rarely
based on obedience and conformity to the other's wishes. Name three ways that you can meet your partner's top
Romance requires initiative—relationships that are fully needs, even when they are conflicted. How can you use
alive will usually have the partners looking deeply into humor and affection to reach your partner?
each other's needs, finding surprising and passionate ways
to serve and even challenge each other. _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Rank your partner's needs. The 6 Needs are: certainty,
uncertainty/variety, significance, love/connection, growth, _________________________________________________
and contribution.
_________________________________________________

1. _______________________________________________ _________________________________________________

2. _______________________________________________
What kind of feedback from your partner do you need to
3. _______________________________________________ watch for to let you know you are meeting his or her needs?
(Remember you don't necessarily have to require a “thank
4. _______________________________________________ you.”). Get in tune with your partner's needs!
5. _______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
6. _______________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

184 185
 2. Where do you feel you are getting double-binds?
Remember: • Where are you getting the double-binds?

One of life's most gratifying experiences comes from having _________________________________________________

a passionate and loving relationship with your partner. You
can only have this type of relationship if each partner has the _________________________________________________
honesty, passion, and sufficient independence to create the _________________________________________________
excitement of diversity and interaction. By keeping an eye
open for double-binds, and by holding to a standard of loving _________________________________________________
honesty, you can experience that pleasure as well.
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
DO IT NOW: DAY 9 ASSIGNMENT
_________________________________________________
1. Start with yourself: Find where you’re giving
double-binds.
• What is it that you've been communicating? Explicitly • Without asking your partner, what are they really
or Implicitly… needing? What's the need underlying the double-bind?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
• Ask yourself: What's my real message? What do I really
need here? Am I looking for love, certainty, significance? _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Karen needed both significance/variety (of having a strong, intense
_________________________________________________ man) as well as certainty (of being protected and safe). Double-
binds are a natural result of people trying to reconcile opposite
_________________________________________________ needs and not communicating it well.
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ 3. If you cannot figure out which need is primary, try

one of the two injunctions.

• Go to your partner and tell them what you really need. Do one or the other—to the hilt! Do it fully until you
figure out what your partner really wants most.
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

186 187
 DAY 10

You Come First, My Love:

The Power of Alignment

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because

we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies

of blindness, and errors and betrayals. It dies

of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness,

of witherings, of tarnishings.”

—Anais Nin

188 189
 DAY 10:YOU COME FIRST, MY LOVE: THE POWER
The 7 Master Skills The 10 Disciplines of Love OF ALIGNMENT

When you are not aligned with your partner, it can seem that all your
effort in relationship comes to nothing. When you are aligned,
1. Heartfelt Understanding 1. The Discipline of Putting Your Lover First:
It's Not About You!
everything you do is reinforced with a greater sense of purpose and
fulfillment. In today's session we will explore the Relationship Skill
of Uncovering and Creating Alignment. Here we will also learn
2. The Discipline of Loving No Matter What:
The Power of Love, Adoration & Praise
about the Discipline of Utilization and the Discipline of Gratitude
2. Give Your Partner What They
and Giving—these are essential practices for taking the path of
Really Need

growth.
3. The Discipline of Being Yourself: Emanate &
Express Your Natural Essence & True Core

SCORE NEIL ON THE 7 MASTER RELATIONSHIP SKILLS

3. Create and Build Trust and Respect 4. Discipline of Positive Intent: Eliminate
Threats & Judgment & Remember The

We did not meet Neil's wife until the follow up. But let's challenge
Power of Language

ourselves and try to understand how Neil would have scored in the
7 Master Relationship Skills.
5. The Discipline of Freedom: The Power of
4. Reclaim Playfulness, Presence, Forgiving, Forgetting & Flooding

SKILL 1: HEARTFELT UNDERSTANDING

and Passion

6. The Discipline of Daily Intimacy: Neil's Score:_____

Full Engagement—Open Your Heart &
What understanding did Neil show of his wife's needs?
Where did his understanding fall short?
Hold Nothing Back
5. Harness Courage and Embrace

_________________________________________________
Honesty
7. The Discipline of Polarity: The Power of

_________________________________________________
Dancing Energies

8. The Discipline of Loving Truth: The Power _________________________________________________

6. Uncover and Create Alignment
_________________________________________________
of Vulnerability

9. The Discipline of Utilization: The Power _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
of Higher Meaning & Constant Growth
7. Live Consciously: Be An Example
(Skill 7 applies to all 10
Disciplines of Love) 10. The Discipline of Gratitude & Giving:
Appreciation is the Power
What did he learn?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
“Gratitude is not only the greatest of all virtues, _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
but the parent of all the others.”

_________________________________________________
—Cicero

190 191
SKILL 2: GIVE YOUR PARTNER WHAT THEY REALLY NEED SKILL 3: CREATE AND BUILD TRUST AND RESPECT
Neil's Score:_____ Neil's Score:_____
What were Neil's rules for giving? Which needs did he How much trust did Neil create with his wife? What kinds
meet for his wife? of challenges would you expect to see in a relationship that
had that level of trust?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

What did she learn? How did he grow?

How did Neil change the level of trust in his relationship?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

192 193
SKILL 4: RECLAIM PLAYFULNESS, PRESENCE, AND PASSION SKILL 5: HARNESS COURAGE AND EMBRACE HONESTY
Neil's Score:_____ Neil's Score:_____
How did Neil bring playfulness, presence, and passion Was Neil being honest about what his challenge was?
to the relationship? How did he fail to do that?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

How did Neil show courage? When?

What did he learn?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

194 195
SKILL 6: UNCOVER AND CREATE ALIGNMENT SKILL 7: LIVE CONSCIOUSLY: BE AN EXAMPLE
Neil's Score:_____ Neil's Score:_____
Why was Neil concerned about his compatibility with Imagine: what preconceptions did Neil have about how to
his wife? meet his and his wife's needs?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

What did he do about their similarities and their differences? What kind of example was he before? How did that
change?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

196 197
WHAT DID YOU LEARN? POINTS TO REMEMBER How does he or she typically meet those needs?

ARE YOU COMPATIBLE WITH YOUR PARTNER? _________________________________________________

When we run into conflicts or misunderstandings with _________________________________________________
our partner, it is easy to imagine that you are simply not
compatible. However, that is usually a fear reaction. _________________________________________________
Partner compatibility and selection indeed is an important
part of relationship success. Once you understand your _________________________________________________
similarities and your differences from your partner, it is _________________________________________________
equally important as the skill of uncovering and creating
alignment with your partner.
What does your partner value in life?
This is the bottom-line about compatibility: if you and your
partner have one need in common in your top two needs, then _________________________________________________
an extraordinary relationship is possible. You will still have
differences in values, beliefs and rules, but these can be _________________________________________________
worked with. To begin with, what are your two most
valued needs of the 6 Human Needs? _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
1._______________________________________________
_________________________________________________
2. _______________________________________________

When your partner is happy and productive, describe his

How do you typically meet those needs? or her nature? I s he or she creative, analytical, social,
athletic, etc.?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

What are your partner's top two needs? How do you feel about your partner's nature? What do you
have in common?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

198 199
 What was your relationship like 6 months in, a year in, two Is there another point of contention in your relationship? A
years in? disagreement from long ago that hasn't been resolved? For
instance: in how to handle money, how to raise the children,
_________________________________________________ how to spend free time, or what plans are most important
for the future?
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
THE OBJECT OF CONTENTION
_________________________________________________
Do you ever feel that whenever you and your partner
disagree, the disagreement always comes back to an old _________________________________________________
topic you've discussed again and again? Most relationships
have one of those—an object of contention. This can get so
irritating that you may begin to wonder whether you and What do you value most in your relationship? Are you
your partner are compatible at all! Here you will learn a manifesting your values in your relationship?
step-by-step procedure for handling those issues by
creating alignment in your relationship. _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
In many relationships, there is an outside interest, a hobby,
a friendship, a career, or a habit that is very important to _________________________________________________
one of the partners. In some cases it can become so
important that the other partner begins to feel jealous, _________________________________________________
to compete with it or try to control it. _________________________________________________
Take a moment to ask yourself: if there was an outside _________________________________________________
interest that led to discomfort in your relationship, what
would it be? Is it your partner's outside interest, or is it
yours? Which of the 6 Human Needs are met by this What do you value most in your special interest or in
special interest? your point of contention? What does your partner values
in his or her special interests or in his or her disagreement
_________________________________________________ with you?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

200 201
ALIGNMENT STARTS WITH HEARTFELT UNDERSTANDING THREE LEVELS OF RELATIONSHIP
An object of contention is a long-standing disagreement Remember the three levels of relationship? The level of
that has become contentious or even aggressive. In order operation in your relationship is the leading indicator of the
to avoid senseless conflict, begin resolving the object of types of problems, challenges, or benefits you will experience
contention by putting yourself in your partner's place and with your partner.
gaining heartfelt understanding for his or her experience.
Putting yourself in your partner's place can be difficult 1. Level One: Both partners are looking to get
because if you do it right you may encounter thoughts, feelings their own needs met without
or possibilities that you do not want to acknowledge. Now regard for the other's needs.
take your spouse's side.
FOR SINGLES: Use this exercise to understand a former 2. Level Two: The partners focus on fair
relationship, or you can use it to understand the issues in exchange, you let me pursue mine
another relationship or friendship in your life. and I'll let you pursue yours.

Pick a disagreement that has been lingering in the relationship. 3. Level Three: The partners focus on giving to
What is it? each other unconditionally before
any thought of receiving.
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Think of a point of contention in your relationship and the
_________________________________________________ needs that your partner is trying to meet. What would you
do to resolve the point of contention if you were a level one
_________________________________________________ player that is focused on your own needs?

_________________________________________________
Now score yourself from your partner's perspective. How
much certainty is your partner feeling? How much _________________________________________________
uncertainty, significance, connection, love and contribution?
Score these on a scale of 0 to 10. _________________________________________________
Certainty ____________ _________________________________________________
Uncertainty/Variety ____________
_________________________________________________
Significance ____________
Love/Connection ____________ _________________________________________________
Growth ____________
Contribution ____________ How would you resolve the point of contention if you were
a level two player, focused on your needs being “separate
Now what would you do in your partner's position? What but equal?”
are your partner's options in trying to get you to meet his or
her needs? _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
202 203
How would you resolve the point of contention as a level three Do you misinterpret your partner's situation or
player, where you take on your partner's needs as your own? communications in any way?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

How would you score your presence and performance in

your relationship?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

Do you truly commit and give every ounce of your soul to

your partner?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Out of the Mouths of Babes

_________________________________________________ What would you do on a first date

_________________________________________________
that was turning sour?

_________________________________________________
“I’d run home and play dead. The next day
I would call all the newspapers and

_________________________________________________
make sure they wrote about me
in all the dead columns.”
—Craig, age 9

204 205
DO IT NOW: DAY 10 ASSIGNMENT 3. What comes first? Ask yourself: What comes first for
you? Your partner or your other interests? Which have
YOUR 90-DAY CHALLENGE you been putting first in your day-to-day practice? It is
If you can think of a point of contention in your relationship, easy to take one's partner for granted as one pursues
or an outside interest that is creating tension, here are some one's interests. How can you change things so that your
steps that will help resolve the problem and strengthen your partner will meet more of your needs at higher levels?
relationship. What rituals could you put into place together?

1. Start by rating how your needs have been met by your _________________________________________________
partner. On a scale of 1 to 10, rate the levels of certainty,
uncertainty/variety, significance, connection/love, growth _________________________________________________
and contribution. Next, pretend that you are your partner.
_________________________________________________
Rate the levels at which you have been meeting your
partner's needs. Now rate how your needs are met by _________________________________________________
other important parts of your life, in your relationship
with a friend, your children, or an outside interest such _________________________________________________
as a hobby or another activity.
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
4. Commit and give. If you have chosen to put your partner
_________________________________________________ first, commit to the 90-day challenge, give unconditionally
to your partner in every way and in new ways. Watch
_________________________________________________ and learn your partner's needs and what has to happen
for him or her to feel their needs are being met. Light up
_________________________________________________
your partner at a level 10 in each of their 6 Needs.
_________________________________________________ Make the next 90 days the greatest 90 days of your
partner’s life, where no one has given her or him more
attention, focus, caring, and love. At the end of the 90
2. Assess your top two needs. What are your top two needs
days either you will have lit up your partner and your life
in the relationship? Certainty, uncertainty/variety,
will be different or you will know that you truly have
significance, connection/love, growth or contribution.
different goals, values and direction.
What do you value in your relationship? Stability?
Love? Excitement? What are your words for it? Now
_________________________________________________
ask yourself, have you been successful at manifesting
your values in the relationship? For example, if you _________________________________________________
value contribution, are you making your partner feel
contributed to in the relationship? _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

206 207
TIPS FOR MEETING YOUR PARTNER’S 6 NEEDS 5. GROWTH
1. CERTAINTY The way to experience growth in relationship is:
a. For Men: make sure that you show up for her emotionally a. Commit to each other. Put energy into figuring each
when she is upset. Give her your love and understanding, other out—learn your partner's needs and learn to cherish
even if it may not seem welcome in the moment. If she his or her individuality, and
tests you by provoking or criticizing you—take pride
and joy in being able to pass that test. Call her on the b. Propose ways that you can grow together toward your
phone just to tell her that you love her. goals.

b. For Women: show him that your love is unconditional.

Don't withhold or withdraw from him. Tell him that you 6. CONTRIBUTION
will love him forever. Love him as you would love your
First, contribute to each other. When you both feel more
child, even when he is in a bad mood, even when you're
fulfilled, you can begin to direct your contribution
angry and even when he has done something wrong.
together in other directions.

2. UNCERTAINTY/VARIETY
a. For Men: take the initiative to surprise her with a special
date, flowers or something else that she would especially
enjoy.

b. For Women: plan a new exciting sexual scenario. Be

unpredictable in how and where you show him your
love. Tease and provoke him

3. SIGNIFICANCE
For both men and women, ask yourself: What could you
do on a weekly basis to make her or him feel special?
What can you say that will make your partner feel that
Remember:
he or she is the most important person in the world for
you? Find three different ways to let her or him know Problems are not just problems. They are signs that this is
how much they mean to you. a time for you to grow and contribute. The best way to
solve a problem is to strengthen your commitment, to grow
and to contribute to the person who matters most to you.
4. LOVE/CONNECTION Give to your partner like this for 90 days before trying to
resolve any points of contention or asking for anything in
For both men and women: everybody has different return. At that point, you will have not only a much greater
preferred ways for receiving love. Some people respond level of fulfillment, but also much greater clarity about
to touch, others to words. Visual people will respond to what both of you really need. If you can meet your partner's
a certain look. Others will respond best to gifts and needs at level nines or tens, and your partner can meet
gestures. Discover your partner's preferences and you yours, we guarantee that your relationship will be enjoyable
will be able to give to him or her more effectively with and fulfilling!
more satisfaction for both of you.

208 209
 BONUS DAY:

Reclaiming Your True Identity:

The Power of Vulnerability

“Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like

a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.

The consciousness of loving and being loved

brings a warmth and richness to life that

nothing else can bring.”

—Oscar Wilde

210 211
 BONUS DAY: RECLAIMING YOUR TRUE IDENTITY:
The 7 Master Skills The 10 Disciplines of Love THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY

Whenever we make progress in any area of our life, there’s a tendency

to backslide. This is because we fail to reward and re-enforce
1. Heartfelt Understanding 1. The Discipline of Putting Your Lover First:
It's Not About You!
ourselves for making the change, and there are always forces in
your environment that will encourage you to play small. As we
explore the final Master Relationship Skill, “Live Consciously: Be
2. The Discipline of Loving No Matter What:
The Power of Love, Adoration & Praise
An Example”, we will discover that the skill of being an example
2. Give Your Partner What They
requires the awareness of the positive consequences of having high
Really Need

standards and the strength to uphold your new high standards. It is

3. The Discipline of Being Yourself: Emanate &

crucial to remember that any change you make, especially in

Express Your Natural Essence & True Core

relationships, does not end with you—it creates a chain of positive

consequences and examples that will affect thousands or millions
3. Create and Build Trust and Respect 4. Discipline of Positive Intent: Eliminate
of people. If you have children, remember that your example will
Threats & Judgment & Remember The

affect them more than almost any other influence in their lives! And
Power of Language

that example in turn will affect their children and so on… forever!
5. The Discipline of Freedom: The Power of Take the responsibility and strength for being fully conscious of the
example you set in your life and community!
4. Reclaim Playfulness, Presence, Forgiving, Forgetting & Flooding
and Passion

SCORE LISE ON THE 7 MASTER RELATIONSHIP SKILLS

6. The Discipline of Daily Intimacy:
Full Engagement—Open Your Heart &

SKILL 1: HEARTFELT UNDERSTANDING

Hold Nothing Back
5. Harness Courage and Embrace
Honesty Lise's Score:_____
In what areas of life did Lise have heartfelt understanding?
7. The Discipline of Polarity: The Power of

Where did she not have it?

Dancing Energies

_________________________________________________
8. The Discipline of Loving Truth: The Power
6. Uncover and Create Alignment of Vulnerability
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
9. The Discipline of Utilization: The Power
of Higher Meaning & Constant Growth
7. Live Consciously: Be An Example _________________________________________________
(Skill 7 applies to all 10
_________________________________________________
Disciplines of Love) 10. The Discipline of Gratitude & Giving:
Appreciation is the Power

What did she learn?

“It is not how much you do, but how much _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
love you put into the doing that matters.”

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
—Mother Teresa

212 213
SKILL 2: GIVE YOUR PARTNER WHAT THEY REALLY NEED SKILL 3: CREATE AND BUILD TRUST AND RESPECT
Lise's Score:_____ Lise's Score:_____
What were Lise's rules for giving? What was her style of Lise was abused in her childhood. How did this affect her
giving? Did she give strength, or did she take it from ability to trust? What decisions had she made about herself,
people? How? her father, and her sister?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

What did she learn about giving—especially in relation to

her son? What did Lise trust and not trust in herself? What did she
learn to trust in herself and in her sister?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

214 215
SKILL 4: RECLAIM PLAYFULNESS, PRESENCE, AND PASSION SKILL 5: HARNESS COURAGE AND EMBRACE HONESTY
Lise's Score:_____ Lise's Score:_____
Describe Lise's relationship to playfulness? How did Tony Describe Lise's capacity for being honest and courageous.
invite her to be playful? What did that do to her femininity? For Lise, what other emotions came along with courage?
Which emotions did she have to avoid in order to feel
_________________________________________________ courageous?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
How would it have affected her relationship with her sister
if Lise had let herself be more playful with her? How would
playfulness influence her relationships with her sister, Did Lise learn any other ways of being courageous?
husband, and children? Describe.
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

216 217
SKILL 6: UNCOVER AND CREATE ALIGNMENT SKILL 7: LIVE CONSCIOUSLY: BE AN EXAMPLE
Lise's Score:_____ Lise's Score:_____
How did Lise find new alignment with her sister? Was Lise consciously creating a new example for those
around her, or was she living in reaction to the examples
_________________________________________________ of others?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

How did Lise learn to help her son create more alignment When she made life changes after the conversation, how did
with his partner? Lise's example change her family? What did Lise have to
_________________________________________________ do to change her family?

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

218 219
Do you ever find yourself wanting to try or do things that just EXERCISES: UNDERSTANDING KEY DECISIONS
wouldn't be “you?” Have you ever longed to improve relationships
with siblings, children or friends but you come up against a barrier Reflect now on a difficult moment in your life. How did
whenever you try to stretch for it? If so, it is likely that there was a you react? Who else was there and how did they react?
time in your life when you made a key decision that has shaped how What kind of decision did you make? Did you decide to be
you experience and look at life, and that decision could be affecting strong and face the challenge, or did you take a position of
not only yourself but also those around you. However, you can vulnerability? What were you feeling? Did you decide to
make a new decision and open new doors, expanding your ability, trust others, or did you decide to rely on yourself? Or did
your choices and your freedom. you put your faith in a set of beliefs or values? Did you
focus on your feelings or on other people's behavior, on
What we call our “identity” comes directly from decisions we have external circumstances, or did you just want to get away?
made: what we chose to focus on, what skills we developed, how we You may not have thought this out loud at the time, but at
related to others, and how we want others to see us. Because of the moment you responded to that difficulty, a powerful
influences, conditions, and pressures you experienced you made key decision was made. What was it, if you were to state it
decisions that have led you to who you are today. And who you are simply? What did you decide?
today influences everyone you love. Yet it is possible to change a
key decision that has shaped us even if it's been a part of us for 30 _________________________________________________
or 40 years.
_________________________________________________
Key decisions direct and command other decisions that you made in
_________________________________________________
your life. There are four qualities that make a decision powerful:
_________________________________________________
1. The earlier in life the decision is made, the more
powerful it will be. _________________________________________________
2. The more urgent the circumstances, the more influential
the decision. That's your key decision. It's not the only one, of course,
3. Key decisions set a precedent. but you should use that one throughout the rest of this
4. A decision gains strength when it is reinforced, leading process. When you made your decision, what response did
you to make it again and again. you receive? How did your decision meet your needs at the
time? Rate the extent that your needs were met (1-10) and
One way to create something new is to go back in time to a past write how your decision met your needs.
key decision and choose the path you didn't choose before. What
Certainty ____________
you need to do in order to raise the quality of your relationships
is to focus attention on the aspects of your life that you have Uncertainty/Variety ____________
neglected. In this way you will bring balance to your life and Significance ____________
to those around you.
Love/Connection ____________
Key decisions are usually made during moments of crisis. Growth ____________
Everybody has had difficult moments in their past and they can
often be recalled at a moment's notice. If you reflect on a specific Contribution ____________
difficult moment in your life, especially in your childhood, you
will discover that you made key decisions that perhaps you didn't Who else was there? How did they react? What were the
recognize at the time. While going through difficult circumstances consequences for them?
we decide to act, or react in a certain way. These are the decisions _________________________________________________
that have the most powerful influence over our lives and perhaps _________________________________________________
it is because they are so powerful that we rarely recognize them
as decisions. _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
220 221
Looking back, what other options did you have? What do How have these other people reacted? How have their lives
you think making a different decision would have meant for been influenced? What decisions have they made? Have
you? What needs would have been met or not met? they gone along with your decision, or have they chosen
differently? Have you rewarded or punished them for their
_________________________________________________ choices?
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Every key decision affects others in your sphere of influence.
It controls an area of your life. Did your key decision affect _________________________________________________
what your work is today, your family life, your romantic
inclinations, your financial habits? Who is affected by that
decision? Name the five closest people to you and think Where are their decisions leading them? Where would a
of ways that they may have been influenced by your key different decision lead them? How important is their future
decision. to you, rated from 1 to 10.

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
How many other people have been affected by your key
decision indirectly? Think about all the people in your You are now more aware of the scope of your influence on
sphere of influence. How many relationships do you have? the lives of those around you. You may even have discovered
What other relationships do you influence indirectly? that people you care about have been hurt by a decision you
made long ago. You may also have realized that your key
_________________________________________________ decision served you well within a specific context but that
_________________________________________________ your decision no longer serves you today. You may even
have made a key decision recently that may work today but
_________________________________________________ will become a problem for your loved ones later on. If you
can see ways that your key decision has led or will lead to
_________________________________________________ some negative side effects for you or others you care about,
_________________________________________________ then it is time to make an adjustment. You must commit to
making a change now.
_________________________________________________
222 223
Think of your key decision. Why will you absolutely Every decision involves excluding possibilities. However,
commit to making a change now? these exclusions are not always accurate. When you made
your key decision, what other alternatives did you give up?
_________________________________________________ Was it necessary to give this up? Can you think of anyone
else who has made a similar decision without giving up the
_________________________________________________ things that you gave up?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Consider that at the time your key decision was a “gift.”
Take a moment to recognize and appreciate the way that _________________________________________________
your key decision has served you. It probably has led you
to develop a set of skills and talents that are yours to keep. _________________________________________________
What are some of the positive results of your key decision?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
What adjustments could you make to your key decision that
_________________________________________________ would allow you to maintain the benefits of the life you
have developed, but also allow you to experience the things
_________________________________________________ that you have sacrificed to this point? Who could benefit if
you made this adjustment and reclaimed some of those
resources?
When one person makes a powerful key decision, the people
close to them are pushed to grow. How have people around
_________________________________________________
you have been stimulated by your key decision? If you are
planning to adjust your key decision, how can you also _________________________________________________
express your appreciation to those people and for how they
have responded to you so far? What would you tell them? _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

224 225
How has your key decision affected other people's lives in Imagine now the people in your life that depend on you.
a negative way? Did it affect your parents, your children, Over time, they have developed certain expectations about
your siblings, or your spouse? What difficulties did they you. Odds are, however, that they have not seen everything
have in relating to you because of your key decision? How that you are capable of. How can you surprise them? How
may your key decision have affected the way they themselves are you going to reward others in their reactions to your new
relate to others? If your key decision has harmed others, it decision?
is time to explain to them how this was so and to apologize
for any harm you might have caused. _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Imagine the people who are directly influenced by you and
then think of the people who are directly influenced by
Now it's time for you to strategize specific ways of bringing those individuals. By acting on your full capacity for
new experiences to your life and relationships. What could making decisions, you will be helping others to experience
you do now, or soon, to surprise yourself and others? How this ability as well. What are the ramifications, even
would that affect your relationships? Make an absolute through future generations, of making this change—or
commitment to action. You have options now. Give them yourself and for the others you influence?
to yourself and decide to enrich your life with them. How
are you going to appreciate these new options? How will _________________________________________________
you communicate them to the people you love?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

226 227
The next time you start feeling overwhelmed, ask yourself: DO IT NOW: BONUS DAY ASSIGNMENT
• What decision am I dealing with here? 1. How would you have been in relationships before
• When did I make it? starting this program?
• Why did I make it? How much of each 7 skills?
• What does it accomplish?
Where were you? How were you showing up? What
• What are its side effects? were you believing was the secret?
• What decision could I make now?
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

Who are you today? What new choices have you made?
How are you going to show up from now on? How
would you describe what you're going to give in all of
your relationships?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
Out of the Mouths of Babes

How would the world be different _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________
if people didn’t get married?
“There sure would be a lot of kids
to explain to, wouldn’t there?”
—Kelvin, age 8

228 229
How much presence or playfulness or both are you going to
bring to the table? How much more fun are you going to
have, and why?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

Why has relationship transformed for you now, and how

have you transformed?

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

Who are you today? Who were you yesterday? The gap
between the two should be something that you're proud of,
something you're excited about, and it doesn't have to be
perfect. Every move forward you make in relationship
creates the opportunity for every other relationship to be
moved forward as well.

_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

So go forth and multiply!

230 231
 Ultimate Relationship Program

At-a-Glance

“Love is a force that connects us to every

strand of the universe, an unconditional state

that characterizes human nature, a form of

knowledge that is always there for us

if only we can open ourselves to it.”

—Emily H. Sell

232 233
 ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP PROGRAM: AT-A-GLANCE
In addition to the 10-day system on 12 audio CDs for transforming
your relationship, The ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP PROGRAM includes 7
full-length DVD films chronicling real-life relationship challenges
featuring the strategic interventions of Anthony Robbins and narrated
by master trainer of psychotherapists, Cloé Madanes.

# OF ACTION BOOK
DAY # CONTENT/TITLE DISCS PAGES
Day 1 Lovers for Life: The Path of 1 Audio Pages 9-17
Lasting Passion (by Tony & CD
Bonnie-Pearl “Sage” Robbins)

SKILL: Overview of Skills #1-7

DISCIPLINE: Overview of
Disciplines #1-10

Day 2: The Secrets to Outstanding 2 Audio Pages 21-44

Parts Relationships: The 7 Master Skills CDs only
1 & 2 & The 10 Disciplines of Love
(by Tony & Bonnie-Pearl “Sage”
Robbins)

SKILL: Overview of Skills #1-7

DISCIPLINE: Overview of
Disciplines #1-10

Day 3 Back From the Edge: Creating CD & Pages 47-65

Everlasting Love DVD
(featuring Jenn & Paul)

SKILL: Overview of Relationship

Needs
DISCIPLINE: General Introduction
to the 6 Human
Needs in
Relationships

Day 4 Breaking Through: Creating the CD & Pages 67-85

Life That You Deserve DVD
(featuring Tahnee)

“Man’s mind once stretched by a new idea, SKILL: #1: Heartfelt Understanding

DISCIPLINE: #1: The Discipline

of Putting Your
never regains its original dimension.”
Lover First: It’s Not
About You!
—Oliver Wendell Holmes

234 235
 # OF ACTION BOOK # OF ACTION BOOK
DAY # CONTENT/TITLE DISCS PAGES DAY # CONTENT/TITLE DISCS PAGES
Day 5 From Selfish to Selflessness: 1 Audio Pages 87-105 Day 8 Taking Off Your Mask: The 1 Audio Pages 145-163
The Liberating Power of CD Power of Light and Dark CD
Unconditional Love (featuring Justin & Ruth)
(featuring Marcus & Belle)
SKILL: #4: Reclaim Playfulness,
SKILL: #2: Give Your Partner Presence, and Passion.
What They Really Need
DISCIPLINE: #6: The Discipline of
DISCIPLINE: #2: The Discipline Daily Intimacy: Full
of Loving No Engagement—Open
Matter What: The Your Heart & Hold
Power of Love, Nothing Back.
Adoration, & Praise #7: The Discipline
of Polarity: The
Day 6 Relationship Storms: Man CD & Pages 107-121 Power of Dancing
Enough to Stay the Course DVD Energies.
(featuring Sam & Daryl)
Day 9 Finding Your True Passion: The CD & Pages 165-187
SKILL: #3: Create and Build Power of Honesty in Action DVD
Trust and Respect (featuring Karen & Warren)

DISCIPLINE: #3: The Discipline SKILL: #5: Harness Courage and

of Being Yourself: Embrace Honesty
Emanate & Express
Your Natural DISCIPLINE: #8: The Discipline
Essence & True of Loving Truth:
Core. #4: The The Power of
Discipline of Vulnerability.
Positive Intent:
Eliminate Threats Day 10 You Come First, My Love: CD & Pages 189-209
& Remember The The Power of Alignment DVD
Power of Language. (featuring Neil)
#5: The Discipline
of Freedom: The
SKILL: #6: Uncover and Create
Power of Forgiving, Alignment
Forgetting & DISCIPLINE: #9: The Discipline of
Flooding. Utilization: The
Power of Higher
Day 7 The Power of Connection: CD & Pages 123-142 Meaning & Constant
Rekindling Intimacy with Your DVD Growth. # 10: The
Lover (featuring Arontza & Alan) Discipline of
SKILL: #4: Reclaim Playfulness, Gratitude & Giving:
Appreciation is the
Presence, and Passion.
Power.
DISCIPLINE: #6: The Discipline of
Daily Intimacy: Full
Engagement—Open
Your Heart & Hold
Nothing Back.

236 237
 Anthony Robbins is the foremost authority
# OF ACTION BOOK
DAY # CONTENT/TITLE DISCS PAGES on the psychology of leadership, negotiation,
organizational turnaround, and peak
Bonus Reclaiming Your True Identity: CD & Pages 211-230 performance. Since fathering the life coaching
Day! The Power of Vulnerability DVD industry more than 25 years ago, he has directly
(featuring Lise) impacted the lives of more than 50 million
people from 80 countries with his bestselling
SKILL: #7: Live Consciously: books, audio programs, public speaking
Be An Example. engagements, and live appearances. Robbins has addressed such
distinguished audiences as the World Economic Forum, British
DISCIPLINE: Applies to all 10 Parliament, Harvard Business School, and the Waldzell Institute
Disciplines.
Meeting, an invitation—only forum where the world's brightest
minds—Nobel Prize laureates, scientists, artists, religious leaders,
Share Sneak Preview of the DVD DVD Page 235 business icons, and heads of state—come together to discuss the
With a Films and The Ultimate changes necessary for mankind to have a future with meaning. He
Friend Relationship Program: currently serves as Vice Chairman for the Health & Education &
At-a-Glance Research Council Advisory Board—International Council for Caring
Communities under the United Nations. He also serves on the Council
for Human Rights of Children Advisory Board at the University of
San Francisco, a prestigious international think tank dedicated to
developing and codifying methods to assure the rights of children are
maintained and championed. Robbins has been honored by Accenture
as one of the “Top 50 Business Intellectuals in the World” and by
American Express as one of the top six business leaders in the world
to coach their entrepreneurial clients.

Cloé Madanes is a world-renowned teacher

of marriage and family therapy. She is the
author of five books that are classics in the
field of psycho-therapy: Strategic Family
Therapy; Behind the One-Way Mirror; Sex,
Love and Violence; The Secret Meaning of
Money; and The Violence of Men. Madanes is
a Supervisor and Fellow of the American
Association of Marriage and Family Therapy and is currently the
Director of the Robbins-Madanes Center for Strategic Intervention in
La Jolla, California.

“One word frees us of all the weight and

Mark Peysha is a writer, filmmaker, and coach with a specialty in
strategic analysis, communication, and the development of training
programs. Mark received his M.A. from Harvard University. He
pain in life, that word is love.”

lives in California with his wife and four children.

—Socrates

238 239
The content in Days 7 and 8 is largely based on the work of David Deida, author of several
books including “Intimate Communion,” “The Way of the Superior Man,” and “The
Enlightened Sex Manual” It is highly recommended that you purchase these three books.
For more information, visit his web site at www.deida.info, or call 1.888.553.1939.

© 2005 by Robbins Research International, Inc.

Written and Spoken Narration © 2005 by Cloé Madanes
and Robbins Research International, Inc.

Anthony Robbins and Cloé Madanes continue to work together

perfecting new methodologies of indirect negotiation to foster greater
harmony and effectiveness in social systems ranging from families
to corporations and government organizations.

The Robbins-Madanes Center for Strategic Intervention is dedicated to

the solution of interpersonal conflict, the prevention of violence, and
the creation of a more cohesive and civil community.

For further information and training schedules, please contact:

www.RobbinsMadanes.com • www.TonyRobbins.com
Toll-Free 800.537.0820 / Direct 858.713.8232
International: 001.858.713.8232

240