Let Go and Be - escape the Drama triangle! 22/3/2016 Life is a little like a drama at times!
Life is a play, a game, of sorts. This is the first Blog of a series, looking at GAMIFYING life. In this
blog we look at a concept called the Drama Triangle - a game which we all play - and I see this as kind
of like 'Level 1' of the game of life. Here I'll explain that and also my ideas on changing the game to
Level 2, with Playfulness and Presence!
Explained:
The drama triangle is a social model of human interaction – the triangle maps a type of destructive
interaction that can occur between people in conflict. It was first created by Stephen Karpman, M.D., a
student studying under Eric Berne, M.D., the father of transactional analysis. It was later revised with
the addition of ‘The Winner's Triangle’ by Acey Choy in 1990 and then by David Emerald (2009).in
his book ‘The Power of TED (The Empowerment Dynamic).
Basically it’s the idea that when we are acting out in life - when we are in drama - we all choose roles,
and we switch roles rapidly. These 'scripts' are encouraged in modern society, which is based on
'justice'. These are the roles of:
1. The Victim: The Victim's stance is "Poor me!" The Victim feels victimized, oppressed,
helpless, hopeless, powerless. The Victim, if not being persecuted, will seek out a Persecutor
and also a Rescuer who will save the day but also perpetuate the Victim's negative feelings.
2. The Rescuer: The rescuer’s line is "Let me help you, I can fix you/it." A classic enabler, the
Rescuer feels guilty if he/she doesn't go to the rescue. This rescue role is also very pivotal,
because their actual primary interest is really an avoidance of their own problems disguised as
concern for the victim’s needs.
3. The Persecutor: The Persecutor insists, "It's all your fault." The Persecutor is controlling,
blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritative, rigid, and superior.
We can imagine it a bit like in a courtroom - where the drama is played out and everyone has
the intention of claiming they are the hardest done (right) by and that others are wrong. Hence
it is a victim-blame-game. Ultimately we all claim to be the victim.
So I’ve been using Choy and Emerald's models, but with my own twist, to help people raise
awareness of these roles and then figure out ways to move away from the Drama triangle,
without completely disengaging with people or problems. I call it the 'Presence Triangle' - a
game of connection! That name was inspired by the fantastic video at the top. My diagram
below shows how it works:
Moving to Level 2
In the same way that you can’t fight emotions with thinking, you can’t fight drama with
diagnosis, defence, or distrust - it all starts with stopping the reactivity and doing one (or more) of
these things:
1. Breathe: take a breath and connect with your body
2. Move: emotions require catharsis - some movement will help express frustration
3. Ask: as Stephen Covey describes in his ‘7 Habits’ book: “seek first to understand then to be
understood”
4. Listen: Listening both internally and externally is a powerful tool.
These shift you away from the negative thoughts and into the body. Into Presence. We can then move
towards these roles, in which we all take personal responsibility for the choice:
1. Voice (from Victim): Here we are empowered by asking for help and showing our
vulnerability.
2. Power (from Persecutor): This can be a force of nature, a physical constraint or a person
challenging someone else.
3. Response (from Rescuer): To be responsive we can choose to be sensitive and helpful, whilst
aware of ourselves.
But all of that will be for nothing if the intention behind it is resentment, trying to change, educate, fix
or disprove - then there is no natural compassion and we will slip back into Drama. My belief about
the intentions required to ‘really’ connect fit nicely into the acronym: LET GO & B, which is also
what we are doing! We are letting go of the results and allowing people to be, exactly as they are,
including ourself. We can practice these intentions to cultivate natural connection. I know this
‘allowing’ seems counter-productive at first, but as Nathaniel Branden said:
Are you able to LET GO & BE?
You may notice I also put 'parent 1 and 2'. That's because this is a lot like being in a parental role,
where one is often rescuing and the other putting the child down. When we think of healthy ways to
raise children and make human connections we want to have the intentions of:
Love – love, in my opinion is both a feeling and a verb. Love is ‘acceptance’ and a ‘willingness to
experience’ - to act in accordance with internal motivation, but not based in fear. Can you love your
enemies and yourself?
Empathy – The ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Empathy comes from
understanding that we are all interconnected beings and that what I do to you I eventually do to
myself. Therefore empathy is feeling for and with someone else.
Trust – Confidence that people are whole, growing beings, not needing fixing - a belief that we are all
unique creators.This breeds confidence and empowerment. I also trust that everything is working out
as it should. It's okay, I'm okay, you're okay.
Gratitude – Instead of wanting and needing that which I don't have, I remain thankful for everything I
have been given and received. This feels amazing and enables me to act positively; understanding that
honesty in relationships is a gift that helps you to grow.
Ownership – I understand that only I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings and actions. I
understand this may have an influence on the world and so with great power comes great
responsibility. I own my own power and use it wisely not seeking to blame others, be a victim, or
rescue others unnecessarily.
Boundaries – Your ‘yes’ and ‘no’s. What you decide you want or don’t want for yourself, or to be a
part of. Without boundaries we burn out in empathy or violate one another. I understand my physical
boundaries and set my own emotional boundaries. I take time to feel into what is a yes and a no for me
and communicate them clearly and honestly.
Expression - The last part is to express yourself, honestly and sensitively, without attachment to the
outcome, but with care and consideration of feelings and needs - both yours and the other persons, yet
also expressing honestly. This is not possible without practice and first taking the time to 'feel into it'.
Summary
That’s a lot of information, which is why it is much easier, after finishing this Blog (well done for
getting this far) to just remember to LET GO & B - if you find yourself sucked into the Drama
triangle, try having a jiggle, taking a breath, gently asking a question and then listening! I think you’ll
find a lot more connection and end up playing a different game - where everyone wins! Because there
is another option, beyond right and wrong. It's called being (human).
