re ie OS eNTetae use Nero a ee tre reper ya c} laine SS ee Len hd eee St Mo Thespian iy erate re) eg eee ce) Retake ad a eee os eo ere ri) eee) STOR Ce rite Cea ed ace eas aa Vermont Ree foe Meee erty ete Pea Teen ee ec shel me Porn Rete er en cy rete Rirkus Lehielus, saralreview See ce nea er ST es ee ein ce eee ee ee Cee era CO eee am I Cech To ae cay er Ea eS een ETH Pee s'iscot! I are devastatingly captured bya artist in Ree nes Sas 90000 Hil Sona) (ea i c \ i ( : i7 y c 1 1 To en Sr mae Petes un oe ae ALISON BECHDEL EMC ile rnin Pe gA nc ease oy Dione eRe at rs Peer i ee ae oo Ee y cy TA TRE a ily le, pick fr went: ae eter cen Ree teenie ena) erase eta Rene oct AE ean Cee ee See at Tat dust asd Rae ann Se cmt Perch tried Cee a Dead Cte ay oe tn Cent a) esa mag feces eee ers redeA FAMILY TRAGIC OMIC ALISON BECHDELFOR MOM, CHRISTIAAL AND JOHN. WE DIP HAVE A LOT OF FUN, IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING. COPYRIGHT © 2006 BY ALISON BECHDEL ALL RIGHTS RESERVED FOR INFORMATION ABOUT PERMISSION TO REPRODUCE SELECTIONS FROM THIS BOOK, WRITE TO PERMISSIONS, HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY, 215 PARK AVENUE SOUTH, New YORK, NEW YORK 10003. VISIT OUR WEB SITE: WWW.LHOUGHTONMIFFLINBOOKS.COM LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION PATA BECHDEL, ALISON, DATE. FUN HOMe : A FAMILY TRAGICOMIC / ALISON BECHPEL. PM, XSGN-13: 978-0-618-47794—4 XSBNH10; 6-18-47 794-2 1. BECHPEL, ALISON, DATE.—COMIC BOOKS, STRIPS, ETC. 2. CARTOONISTS—UNITED STATES—COMIC BOOKS, STRIPS, ETC. 3. GRAPHIC NOVELS. =. TLE. PNG727.83757Z46 2006. TAHS'IT3S—CC22 2005030304 PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA @wries 8765432CONTENTS 4. OLD FATHER, OLD ARTIFICER 1 2. A HAPPY DEATH 25 3. THAT OLD CATASTROPHE 55 4. IN THE SHADOW OF YOUNG GIRLS IN FLOWER 87 5. THE CANARY—-COLORED CARAVAN OF DEATH 121 6. THE IDEAL HUSBAND 151 7. THE ANTIHERO’S JOURNEY 187! (| Z ‘ Se | aia ee OLD FATHER, OLD ARTIFICERWtLIKE MANY FATHERS, MINE Cc MY FULL WEIGHT OULD AS HE LAUNCHED ME, OCCASIONALLY BE PREVAILED ON FOR = WOULD FALL ON THE PIVOT POINT LANE.” HIS FEET AND MY STOMACH. IT WAS A DISCOMFORT WELL. WORTH THE RARE PHYSICAL CONTACT, AND CERTAINLY WORTH THE MOMENT OF PERFECT BALANCE WHEN I SOARED ABOVE HIM. 4 INTHE CIRCUS, ACROBATICS WHERE ONE PERSON LIESCONSIPERING THE FATE OF ICARUS AFTER HE FLOUTEDR SO CLOSE TO THE SUN HIS WINGS MELTED, PERHAPS. BUT BEFORE HE DID SO, HE MANAGED TO HIS GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT, ARGUABLY, GET QUITE A LOT DONE. WAS HIS MONOMANIACAL RESTORATION —~ OF OUR OLD HOUSE. THIS RUG IS FILTHY.WHEN OTHER CHILDREN CALLED OUR IN FACT, WE WERE UNUSUAL, THOUGH I HOUSE A MANSION, I WOULD DEMUR. I WOULDN'T APPRECIATE. Wo RESENTED THE IMPLICATION THAT MY UNUSUAL UNTIL MUGa LATER. BUT We FAMILY WAS RICH, OR UNUSUAL IN ANY WAY, WERE NOT RICH. TER. BUT WE SHES Bs OTe THE GILT CORNICES, THE MARBLE FIREPLACE, THE CRYSTAL IERS, THE. SHELVES OF CALF-BOUND BOOKS--THESE WERE NOT SO MUCH BOUGHT AS PRODUCED FROM THIN AIR BY MY FATHER'S REMARKABLE LEGERDEMAIN. a |MY FATHER COULD SPIN GARBAGE... + INTO GOLD. Cees Gy St He COULD TRANGFIGURE A ROOM WITH INJURE AN ENTIRE, FINISHED THE SMALLEST Ss PERIOD In INTERIOR FROM AI Pair. CHIP. = a«AND WHO ANSWERED NOT To THE LAWS OF SOCIETY, BUT TO THOSE OF HIS CRAFT. LIBIDINAL. is‘OUR GOTHIC REVIVAL HOUSE HAD BEEN BUILT DURING THE SMALL PENNSYLVANIA TOWN'S ONE BRIEF MOMENT OF WEALT IM THE. or TH, FRO! LUMBER INDUSTRY, IN 1867. BUT LOCAL FORTUNES HAD DECLINED THE SHUTTERS AND ScROLL WOR W WERE Sees FROM THAT POINT, AND WHEN GONE. THE 'S HAD Bet MY PARENTS BOUGHT THE PLACE IN 1962, SHEATHED WITH SCABROUS SHINGLES,THE BARE LIGHTBULBS REVEALED DINGY ALL THAT WAS LEFT OF THE HOUSE'S WARTIME WALLPAPER AND WOODWORK LUMBER-ERA GLORY WERE THE PAINTED PASTEL GREEN. EXUBERANT FRONT PORCH SUPPORTS. [R 4 een!HE WOULD CULTIVATE THE BARREN YARD... 0 INTO A LUSH, FLOWERING LANDSCAPE. rE F V i WN ae HE WOULD MANIPULATE FLAGSTONES THAT WEIGHED HALF A TON...wlTS OUT OF THE ORDINARY. BUT IN THE MOVIE WHEN JIMMY COMES HOME ONE NIGHT AND STARTS YELLING AT EVERYONE... b] TOMMY, STOP THAT! JANIE, HAVEN'T YOU D THAT SILLY TUNE YET? DAEDALUS, TOO, WAS INDIFFERENT T¢ THE HUMAN COST OF HIS PROJECTS. HE BLITHELY BETRAYED THE KING, FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN THE QUEEN ASKED HIMTO BUILD HER A COW DISGUISE SO SHE COULD SEDUCE THE WHITE BULL.INDEED, THE ALE MAN MONE TER: «44ND FROM WHICH, AS STRAY YOUTHS AND MAIDENS DISCOVERED TO THEIR PERIL... THEN THERE ARE THOSE eo Ne OR JUST DISAPPOINTED BY THE DESIGN WAS DAEDALUS REALLY STRICKE:! FAILURE? GRIEF WHEN ICARUS FELL INTO Te. SEAP 42SOMETIMES, WHEN THINGS WERE GOING AND OF COURSE, MY BROTHERS AND I WELL, I THINK MY FATHER ACTUALLY WERE FREE LABOR. DAD CONSIDERED US ENJOYED HAVING A FAMILY. EXTENSIONS OF HIS OWN BODY, LIKE. PRECISION ROBOT ARMS. Cac eyWE EACH RESISTED IN OUR OWN WAYS, BUT IN THE END WE WERE EQUALLY POWERLESS BEFORE MY FATHER'S CURATORIAL ONSLAUGHT. MY BROTHERS AND T COULDN'T COMPETE WITH THE ASTRAL LAMPS AND GIRANDOLES AND HEPPLEWHITE SUITE CHAIRS. THEY WERE PERFECT. I GREW TO RESENT THE WAY MY FATHER = MY OWN DECIDED PREFERENCE FOR THE UNADORNED AND PURELY FUNCTIONAL EMERGED EARLY.TWAS SPARTAN TO MY FATHER'S ATHENIAN. MODE!IF ANYTHING, THEY OBSCURED FUNCTION. THEY WERE EMBELLISHMENTS IN THE [crvesues ST MY FATHER BEGAN TO SEEM MORALLY f| SUSPECT TO ME LONG Berore I KNEW THAT HE ACTUALLY HAD A DARK SECRET. HIS SKILLFUL ARTIFICE NOT TO MAKE THINGS, BI WHAT THEY WERE NOT.ITS TEMPTING TO SUGGEST, a THAT OUR HOUSE WAS NOT A REAL HOME i IN RETRO: SPECT, THAT OUR FAMILY WAS A SHAM, uceume THE SIMULACRUM OF ONE, A HTTSTILL, SOMETHING VITAL WAS MISSING. AN ELASTICITY, A MARGIN FOR ERROR. How DID THIS THE TABLE? MOST PEOPLE, T IMAGINE, LEARN TO ACCEPT THAT THEY'RE NOT PERFECT. BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! BUT AN IDLE REMARK ABOUT MY FATHER'S TIE OVER BREAKFAST COULD SEND HIM INTO A TAILSPIN. 48MY MOTHER ESTABLISHED A RULE, IF WE COULDN'T CRITICIZE MY FATHER, SHOWING AFFECTION FOR HIM WAS AN EVEN DICIER VENTURE. EXPRESSIVE FAMILY, TO SAY = LEAST. BUT ONCE I WAS UNACCOUNTABLY MOVED TO: KISS MY FATHER GOOD NIGHT. aoe HAVING LITTLE PRACTICE WITH THE GES-__ ...AS IF HE WERE A BISHOP OR AN. TURE, ALL I MANAGED WAS TO GRAB HIS ELEGANT LADY, BEFORE RUSHING FROM. HAND AND Bi KNUCKLES LIGHTLY... THE ROOM IN EMBARRASSMENT.‘ Ae ii fees |] | Pa It Ati > | II 4 Ci a i) } : FON FI =| MIRRORS, DISTRACTING BRONZES, MULTIPLE DOORWAYS. VISITORS OFTEN GOT LOST UPSTAIRS-MY MOTHER, MY BROTHERS, AND IT KNEW OUR WAT AROUND WELL ENOUGH, BUT IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL IF THE MINOTAUR LAY BEYOND THE NEXT CORNER. ENED BY THE FACT THAT SOME ENCOUN- DESCENT AS HIS TANTRUMS TERS COULD BE QUITE PLEASANT. 3 WONT YOU BE MY PONY GIRLP MARRY ME, 1. FAR ACROSS THE SEA. a“ 24ALTHOUGH I’M GOOD AT ENUMERATING I EXPECT THIS IS PARTLY BECAUSE HE'S MY FATHER'S FLAWS, T'S HARD FORME =—- DEAD, AND PARTLY BECAUSE THE BAR IS TO SUSTAIN MUCH ANGER AT HIM. LOWER FOR FATHERS THAN FOR MOTHERS. MY MOTHER MUST RINSING ME OFF wi THE SUDPEN, UNBEARABLE COLD OF ITS WAS HE A GOOD FATHER? I WANT TO SAY, ABSENCE. STUCK AROUND.” BUT OF “AT LEAST HE.T'S TRUE THAT HE DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF BUT HIS ABSENCE RESONATED RETRO- UNTIL I WAS. ¥ TWENTY. ACTIVELY, ECHOING BACK THROUGH ALL THE TIME I KNEW HIM, HE REALLY WAS THERE ALL THOSE YEARS, A FLESH-AND-BLOOD PRESENCE STEAMING OFF THE WALLPAPER, DIGGING UP THE DOGWOODS, POLISHING THE FINIALS...WtA HAPPy DEATHWtFATHER SE Hi RG SE Ls S Exe (an ne My Wis, Sone op THERE'S NO PROOF, ACTUALLY, THAT MY NO ONE KNEW IT WASN'T AN ACCIDENT. IMSELF. a AL, THE COPY OF CAMUS! 4 HAPPY DEATH THAT HE'D BEEN READING AND LEAVING FACT THAT MY MOTHER HAD ASKED HIM = AROUND THE HOUSE IN WHAT MIGHT BE FOR A DIVORCE TWO WEEKS BEFORE. CONSTRUED AS A DELIBERATE MANNER. aN 2K LIS 27CAMUS' FIRST NOVEL, IT'S ABOUT A BUT DAD WAS ALWAYS READING SOME- CONSUMPTIVE HERO WHO DOES NoT THING, SHOULD WE HAVE BEEN SUSPICIOUS DIE A PARTICULARLY HAPPY DEATH. MY WHEN He STARTED PLOWING THROUGH FATHER HAD HIGHLIGHTED ONE LINE. PROUST THE YEAR BEFORE? tnGiin while Tis imagination and vanity had given her too much importance, bis pride had Ph too Hitile, He discovered dhe cruel paradox by which] wealways deccivt ourselves twice about the people we love ~ first to their advamlage, then to their dis- qtvontage- "Today be nderslood that Martie Bad paca denier sai hin | oat she had been wwhatshe WAS THAT A SIGN OF DESPERATION? IT’S SAID, AFTER ALL, THAT PEOPLE REACH MIDDLE AGE THE DAY THEY REALIZE THEYRE NEVER GOING TO READ REMEMBRANCE OF THINS PAST. DAD ALSO LEFT A MARGINAL NOTATION IN ANOTHER BOOK. PEOPLE CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE GET EXCITED ABOUT SReuINS RUFOUS-SIDED TOWHEES? MAYBE HE DIDN'T NOTICE THE TRUCK BUT THESE ARE JUST QUIBBLES. T COMING BECAUSE HE WAS PREOCCUPIED DON'T BELIEVE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. WITH THE DIVORCE. PEOPLE OFTEN HAVE. ACCIDENTS WHEN THEY'RE DISTRAUGHT. ee a 2780 WHILE YOU ort, Away mn Yak Lethe Call hone ar EGE EL DG elle eS 28IWE-HOUR DRIVE HOME FROM COLLEGE AND EVERYONE LSE HAD GONE TO BED, MOM AND I DISCUSSED IT, THINK IT WAS SOMETHING HE IT'S POSSIBLE THAT ALWAYS MEANT WE CHOSE TO BELIEVE TODS. THIS BECAUSE IT WAS LESS PA/NFUL.. IF HE'D INTENDED To DIE, THERE WAS A CERTAIN CONSOLATION IN THE FACT THAT HE SUCCEEDED WITH SUCH APLOMB, HIS HEADSTONE IS AN OBELISK, A HE HAD AN OBELISK COLLECTION, IN. STRIKING ANACHRONISM AMONG THE FACT, AND HIS PRIZE SPECIMEN WAS ONE UNGAINLY GRANITE SLABS IN THE NEW IN KNEE-HIGH JADE THAT PROPPED END OF THE CEMETERY. OPEN THE DOOR TO HIS LIBRARY. 29gHIS ULTIMATE OBELISK IS NOT CARVED MOM COULDN'T CONVINCE THE MONUMENT FROM FLESHY, TRANSLUCENT MARBLE MAKER TO DO IT. LIKE THE TOMBSTONES IN THE OLD PART IT WON'T LAST. IN TEN, TWENTY YEARS YOU'LL HAVE. LICHEN, EROSION. TRUST Me, YOU WANT GRANITE. THIS NARROW COMPASS. SUGGESTS A PROVINCIAL— ISM ON MY FATHER’S PART THAT IS BOTH MISLEADING URATE,OF HIS RELATIVES DISPLAYED ILAR RELUCTANCE TO STRAY. INTEREST IN THE DECORATIVE ARTS, REMAINED IN THIS PROVINCIAL HAMLET. COME OUT TO CAMPY YOU DON'T HAFTA SHOOT NOTHIN’. WE'LL JUST SIT AROUND THE STOVE AND WHY MY CULTURED MOTHER, WHO HAD STUDIED ACTING IN NEW YORK CITY, WOULD LIVE THERE CHEEK BY JOWL WITH HIS FAMILY IS MORE PUZZLING STILL. HELEN? I’M JUST SHOWING OFF YOUR HOUSE To SOME FRIEND: IDEAS ABOUT DRAGGING A. ANY TRAILER INTO THE BACKYARD. AFTER YOU GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL, DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 34MY PARENTS HAD IN FACT GOTTEN AS FAR THEY LIVED IN WEST GERI FOR AS EUROPE, WHERE MY FATHER WAS ALMOST A YEAR DURING DAD'S SERVICE, STATIONED IN THE ARMY. MOM FLEW IN SOME DEGREE OF EXPATRIATE THERE TO MARRY HIM, SPLENDOR . S28 = iS BUT THEN, THE STORY GOES, MY GRANDFATHER HAD A HEART ATTACK AND DAD HAD TO GO HOME AND RUN THE FAMILY BUSINESS. \ | | E i BECHDEL? YOU. | y ta IST GOT A MESSAGE i eh FROM TOURS Stee CALL. is ie a a | raccuwer AG I | f IL 1 A Lig LAL EZTHE CHANGE IN PLANS WAS A CRUEL FOR 4 SHORT TIME WE ALL LIVED WITH MY BLOW. I WAS BORN SOON AFTER THEY GRANDMOTHER AND AILING GRANDFATHER GoT Back. AT THE FUNERAL HOME. URS] DAP STARTED TEACHING HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH. FUNERAL DIRECTING PROVIDED ONLY A PART-TIME INCOME IN OUR THINLY POPULATED REGION. 33BY THE TIME WE MOVED TO THE oie IT WAS SOME! kere DURING THO: REVIVAL HOUSE AND JOHN WAS BO EARLY YEARS THAT agree EoNrUSING PEARED FROM we US WITH THE ‘ADDANS AMID PARENTS! WORIZON. bk | LONG BEFORE I COULD READ, Sy x Wols PUZZLE OVER BOOK OF ADI DAMS CARTOONS. THE CAPTIONS. S ELUDED Me, aS +) THE one REVERSAL OF SUBURBAN CONFORMITY. HERE WERE THE FAMILIAR DARK, LOFTY CEILINGS, PEELING WALLPAPER, AND MENACING pinion FURNI: SSI oF MY on Home. 34A WORRIED GIRL HAD A STRING RUNNING MOUTH TO A TRAP DOOR. WEARING 4 BLACK THE LAMP VELVET DRESS MY FATHER HAD WRESTLED EXTES HES | Me into, c aPreaR To Ike MY LAMP. | BE IN MOURNING, IN FACT, THE GIRL LOOKED JUST LIKE Me. THE RESEMBLANCE IN MY FIRST GRADE SCHOOL PHOTO IS EERIE. MY MOTHER, WITH HER LUXURIANT BLACK AND ON WARM SUMMER NIGHTS, IT WAS HAIR AND PALE SKIN, BORE AMORE THAN NoT UNUSUAL FOR A BAT TO SWOOP PASSING LIKENESS TO MORTICIA. THROUGH OUR LIVING ROOM, BUT WHAT GAVE THE COMPARISON REAL «AND THE CAVALIER ATTITUDE WHICH, WEIGHT WAS THE FAMILY BUSINESS... INEVITABLY, WE CAME To TAKE TOWARD IT. te = 35THE "FUN HOME," AS WE CALLED IT, WAS MY GRANDMOTHER LIVED IN THE FRONT. UPON MAIN ET. THE BUSINESS WAS IN THE BACK. eit I REMEMBER SEEING MY GRANDFATHER LAID OUT THERE WHEN I WAS THREE. PEOPLE WERE AMUSED BY WHAT SEEMED TO ME A REASONABLE ENOUGH REQUEST. ———_— FREE HAND WITH THE INTERIOR THe ROOMS WERE HUNG WITH DARK VELVET 36MY BROTHERS AND I HAD LOTS OF CHORES AT THE FUN HOME, BUT ALSO MANT INTERESTING OPPORTUNITIES FOR PLAY. = COMING IN Sy” TAKE ME A. FOR A LANDING! — — — c Reorse HAD THE FoLD- [= = / et | [qING CHAIRTROLLEY. [age | THe NESTING j Ae pe FLOWER STANDS. Nes F Fr Ty | \ by : Y THE SUCTION-CUP FLAGS FOR STICKING To Ly 2 CARS IN THE PROCESSION. AND THE CRUSHABLE CAPSULES FILLED THESE WERE FOR REVIVING PEOPLE WHEN SALTS. THEY FAINTED FROM SHOCK OR GRIEF, ? WHICH, DISAPPOINTINGLY, NEVER SEEMED ZIM TELLING BAD S\N Se . * YOU WASTED ONE. 1 ier a 37THOUGH THERE WERE NEVER ANY DEAD: PEOPLE IN THE SHOWROOM, IT HAD THE OTHERWORLDLY AMBIENCE OF A FLOOR OF THE GARAGE. MAUSOLEUM. a A Sei OF CASKETS. CAME IN, WE'D LIFT THEM WITH A WINCH TO THE SHOWROOM ON THE SECOND 7 IT WAS USUALLY AFTER SCHOOL, IN A f] MELANCHOLY, FADING LIGHT, THAT WE: FOUND OURSELVES UP THERE UNWRAPPING MORE VELVET DRAPES MUFFLED ANY SOUNDS, FROM OUTSIDE AND HEIGHTENED THE SENSATION (| THAT TIME WAS AT A STANDSTILL.LIKE A MEDIUM CHANNELING LOST SOULS, iT WASN'T THE SORT OF PLACE YOU WANTED THE FILAMENT OF A SPACE HEATER TO BE ALONE IN. VIBRATED TUNELESSLY TO OUR FOOTFALLS. ON THE OTHER HAND, IT WAS NOT PARTICULARLY SCARY TO SPEND THE NIGHT = WITH MY GRANDMOTHER. IN THE FUNERAL HOME PROPER, EVEN WHEN WE HAD A DEAD PERSON. TO QUIET US DOWN, GRAMMY WOULD LET US SWEEP WITH THE BEAM OF HER FLASHLIGHT IN SEARCH OF BUGS. 39AFTER THIS, WE WOULD BEG HER TO TELL USA STORY. THE STORY, L SHOULD SAY, BECAUSE THERE WAS ONE TALE THAT STILLBORN TWINS, THE TIME MY AUNT HAD WORMS--PALED BEFORE IT. "HE WAS LITTILER THAN YOU, JOHN, NO MORE THAN THREE. (T WAS SPRINGTIME." WUNST UPON A TIME, WHEN YOUR DARBY WAS A LITTLE “THE FIELDS WAS JUST PLOWED, AND BRUCE LIT OUT ACROST ONE. IT WAS THAT WET, PRETTY SOON HE COULDN'T LIFT HIS LITTLE LEGS OUT OF THE MUD!"“BUT JUST THEN, ALONG COMES MORT DEHAAS WITH THE MAIL, AND HE SEES BRUCE A WAY "HE GAVE HIM A YANK, AND HE WAS THAT STUCK, HIS OVERSHOES COME OFFI" WELL, I DON'T KNOW, DEARS. BUT MORT. COMMENCED TO WALK QUT ACROST THE MUDDY FigLD To WHERE. BRUCE WAS. 44"HE BRUNG YOUR DADDY INTO THE KITCHEN IN HIS STOCKING FEET, AND I UNDRESSED HIM RIGHT THERE." Sonel a ins AND HERE THE STORY REACHED ITS BIZARRE, GRIMMSIAN CLIMAX, BY DAY, IT WAS DIFFICULT TO IMAGINE. 3 NAKED, OR, TRUSSED UP IN THE OVEN. URE DONE, DO THE VACUUMING.THOUGH THE WAY GRAMMY HELPED HIM DAP WORKED BACK IN THE INNER Ne HIS SURGICAL GOWN IN BACK WAS SANCTUM, THE EMBALMING ROOM. EVOCATIVE. PRIOR DO iT, OR I'LL GIVE i YOU SOMETHING TO [77 WHINE ABOUT, / THIS 'D OF BACTERICIDAL SMELLEN SOAP Sa =e , AND EMBALMING FLUID. IT WAS DOM- ‘ i INATED BY A, PORCELAIN ENAMEL PREP DIDN'T NORMALLY SEE THE TABLE AND A CURIOUS WALL CHART. BODIES BEFORE THEY WERE = : DRESSED AND IN A CASKET. = lS : at a= gnegs. 2 43THE MAN ON THE PREP TABLE WAS BEARDED AND FLESHY, JARRINGLY UNLIKE DAD'S USUAL TRAFFIC OF DESSICATED OLD PEOPLE. THE STRANGE PILE OF HIS GENITALS WAS THERE WAS SOME PRACTICAL SHOCKING, BUT WHAT REALLY GOT MY WITH MY FATHER DURING WHICH © STUDIOUSLY BETRAYED NO EMOTION. ——; TT a j (HAND Me THose SCISSORS OVER BY J IT FELT LIKE A TEST. MAYBE THIS WAS. OR MAYBE HE FELT THAT HE'D BECOME SAME OFFHANDED WAY HIS OWN TOO INURED To DEATH, AND WAS HOPING NOTORIOUSLY COLD FATHER HAD TO ELICIT FROM ME AN EXPRESSION OF SHOWN HIM HIS FIRST CADAVER. THE NATURAL HORROR HE WAS NO . LONGER CAPABLE OF.OR MAYBE HE JUST NEEDED THE SCISSORS. RUS Bee Ee %S FOR YEARS AFTER MY FATHER'S DEATH, WHEN THe: SUBJECT OF PARENTS CAME UP IN CONVERSATION D RELATE THE INFORMATION IN A FLAT, MATTER-OF-FACT TONE... =o BING On oREE THM eLUeD Mee Zon Ena Te Eee cies ae EVEN WEN IT WAS DAD HIMSELF ON THE THE GAPING NER Seen TC ‘STAY PREP TABLE.I WAS AWAY AT SCHOOL THAT SUMMER, GENERATING BAR CODES FOR ALL THE BOOKS IN THE COLLEGE LIBRARY. I HAVE TO GO HOME, MY FATHER GOT HIT. BY A TRUCK. ces nD: Pa CES as Pe a en es cu S 5 yp NN OE I BICYCLED BACK TO MY APARTMENT, AS Z TOLD MY GIRLFRIEND WHAT HAD MARVELING AT THE DISSONANCE BETWEEN PENED, IT CRIED QUITE GENUINELY THIS APPARENTLY CAREFREE ACTIVITY FOR ABOUT TWO MINUTES. AND MY NEWLY TRAGIC CIRCUMSTANCES.IT COULD BE ARGUED THAT DEATH IS INHERENTLY ABSURD, AND THAT GRINNING IS NOT NECESSARILY AN INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE. I MEAN ABSURD IN THE SENSE OF RIDIC-— IS IRRATIONAL AND: HUMAN LIFE MEAN- INGLESS--APPLIES. HERE AS WELL. IN COLLEGE, I NEEDED THE MYTH OF I WISH I COULD SAY I'D ACCEPTED HIS SISYPHUS FOR A CLASS. DAD OFFERED BOOK, THAT I STILL HAD IT, THAT HE'D TO SEND ME HIS OLD COPY, BUT I UNDERLINED ONE PARTICULAR PASSAGE. RESISTED HIS INTERFERENCE. this conduct. It is legitimate to wonder, clearly and without false pathos, whether a conclusion of this importance requires forsaking as rapidly.as possible an it Preh ibie ifion 47MAYBE (17S JUST THE CIGARETTE. IN EVERY BUT CAMUS' LUNGS WERE FULL OF HOLES PHOTO L'VE SEEN OF CAMUS, THERE'S A FROM TUBERCULOSIS. WHO WAS HE TO BUTT DANGLING FROM HIS GALLIC LIP. CAST LOGICAL ASPERSIONS AT SUICIDEP # Na] HE COULDN'T HAVE LASTED MUCH TO BE FAIR, EVERY- [| z LONGER EVEN IF HE HADN'T DIED ONE SMOKED THEN. * lH] INA CAR CRASH AT FORTY-SIX. SNS nS DE CAMUS WAS KNOWN TO HAVE SAID TO HIS FRIENDS ON VARIOUS OCCASIONS THAT DYING IN A CAR ACCIDENT WOULD BE UNE MORT IMBECILE. a Fa IN JANUARY OF 1960, THE SPORTS CAR HE WAS RIDING IN CAROMED OFF ONS PLANE TREE AND DON'T KNOW WE'RE GOING TO DIE. Yet one will never be sufficiently sur- prised that everyone lives as if no one “knew. This is because in reality there is no Experience of death. Properly speak ing, nothing has been experienced but what has been lived and made conscious. Here, it is barely possible {o speak of ihe experience of ‘others’ deaths. [t 13 a substitute, and illusion. and it never quite convinces us. That melancholy convention cannot be persuasive. The horror comes in reality from the math- ematical aspect of ihe event. If time I SUSPECT THAT FOR MY FATHER, DEATH WAS ALL TOO CONVINCING. ] ESIN THE LETTERS HE SENT ME AT COLLEGE, SOMETIMES HE SEEMED THE ABSURD HERO, SISYPHUS SHOULDERING HIS BOULDER WITH DETACHED JOY. The weekend was of little eonsequense antertainmentwise. I was | called at 3:30 aM for Fay Murray's death. That shot that Friday ‘Saturday. Some highlights of my work her yellow lace bikini rose— fpicid ered panties. Her died red hair after three months of hospitalizati | Her hairdersser and ber hairpieces.. Her bitter green velvet jumpsuit with gold sequined trim and et Neckline. Al LT did my best Jwith red lips, green eyeshadow, Tot? of rouge and eyebrow pencil and dowand behold there lay Fay.” She had lovely flawlessly smocthskin. Everyone was pleased and you would mever. hhaye guessed she was seyey OTHER TIMES, HE WAS DESPAIRING. Sunday 9-24-TT i'm at fun home. tending local tragedy. Beautiful girl, 33, wrapped. her car around one of those big trees in the niger Cisugcarti ward Worked ighteen hours yesterday. Mow I'mhere fighting off the ghouls — it's for my blood pressure. DON'T HAVE ANY LETTERS ABOUT THE SUICIDES HE DEALT WITH, LIKE THE LOCAL DOCTOR WHO SHOT HIMSELF 4 FEW MONTHS BEFORE DAD'S OWN DEATH. BUT YOU WOULD THINK THAT LONG NIGHTS EMPLOYED IN THIS SCUTWORK OF THe FLESH WOULD MAKE ANY— ONE RECONSIDER THE LOGIC OF NOT POSTPONING THEYOU WOULD ALSO THINK THAT A CHILDHOOD SPENT IN SUCH CLOSE PROXIMITY TO THE WORKADAY INCIDENTALS OF DEATH WOULD Be GOOD PREPARATION. Tu Be Back L. ~| AFTER SUPPER | E40 TO FINISH LP. | Wy | K&R PHASE OR TWO OF THE GRIEVING PROCESS--"DENI "ANGER, % ae ig eay --AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE THAT MUCH MORE QUICKLY. BUT IN FACT, ALL THE YEARS SPENT VISITING GRAVEDIGGERS, JOKING WITH BURIAL— VAULT SALESMEN, AND TEASING MY BROTHERS WITH CRUSHED VIALS OF SMELLING SALTS ONLY MADE MY OWN FATHER’S DEATH MORE INCOMPREHENSIBLE. Ss ere 50THE ao. CONUNDRUM OF THE oo THE BARBER, EQUALLY UNABLE TO SHAVE SHAVE! N BARBER WHOSE SIGN wets HIMSELF, AND TO NOT SHAVE HIMGELES 1s SHAVE ALL THOSE MEN, AND ONLY THOSE IMPOSSIBLE. MEN, WHO DO NOT SHAVE. gree vee My FER cole HAVE USED ae BARBER. HIS FACE WAS ROUGH AND DRY, SCRAPED CLEAN wi FROM THE EXPENSIVE POTIONS APTERSHAVES ON THE SLVER TRAY IN HIS BATHROOM AT Ht 7 otHIS WIRY HAIR, WHICH HE HAD DAILY TAKEN 1c WASN'T EVEN SURE IT WAS HIM UNTIL I GREAT PAINS TO STYLE, WAS BRUSHED FOUND THE TINY BLUE TATTOO ON HIS. STRAIGHT UP ON END AND REVEALED A KNUCKLE WHERE HE'D ONCE BEEN SURPRIS| 7 ACCIDENTALLY STABBED WITH A PENCIL. 7 TITTY DRY-EYED AND SHEEPISH, MY BROTHERS =F ONLY THEY MADE SMELLING SALTS TO. AND I LOOKED FOR AS LONG AS WE INDUCE GRIEF-STRICKEN SWOONS, SENSED IT WAS APPROPRIATE. RATHER THAN SNAP YOU OUT OF THEM,I SHOOK IT OFF WITH A VIOLENCE THAT THIS SAME IRRITATION WOULD OVERTAKE WAS, IN FACT, RATHER CONSOLING. ME FOR YEARS AFTE! WHEN & EP VISITED DADS GRAVE. DESECRATED WITH & CHEESY FLAG, PLACED THERE BY ON ONE OCCASION I FOUND IT ING ARMED SERVI ORGANIZATION. I JAVELINED THIS, UGLY BRASS HOLDER AND ALL, INTO THE CORNFIELD THAT THE CEMETERY. IMMEDIATELY ADJOINS HIS PLOT AT THE EDGE OF s3i MY FATHER REALLY BUN ‘ WAS DOWN THERE, Y A ZI TOLD MYSELF. et Ss oo a INTENTIONAL, ACCIDENTAL. IT WAS UNE MORT IMBECILE ANY § WAY YOU LOOKED AT IT. \ ) lyTHAT OLD CATASTROPHEWtfe] MY FATHER'S DEATH P|] WAS A QUEER, BUSINESS--QUEER Pi IT WAS STRANGE, CERTAINLY, IN ITS DEVIATION FROM ‘| OF THINGS. IT WAS SUSPICIOUS. Aes Fate Hing Deeciaee mie ttre erste ree IT PUT MY FAMILY IN A BAD Posim T (D AND RUINED EACH OF US IN PARTICULAR WAYS. © AF IT LEFT ME FEELING QUALMISH, FAINT, BUT MOST COMPELLINGLY AT THE TIME, AND, ON OCCASION, DRUNK, HIS DEATH WAS BOUND UP FoR ME WITH 7 THE ONE DEFINITION CONSPICUOUSLY MISSING FROM OUR MAMMOTH WEBSTER'S. s7ONLY FOUR MONTHS EARLIER, I HAD MY HOMOSEXUALITY REMAINED AT THAT MADE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MY PARENTS. POINT PURELY THEORETICAL, AN UNTESTED HYPOTHESIS. THE NEWS WAS NOT RECEIVED AS WELL AS HAD HOPED. THERE WAS AN EXCHANGE OF DIFFICULT LETTERS WITH MY MOTHER. THEN A PHONE CALL IN WHICH SHE I'D BEEN UPSTAGED, DEMOTED FROM DEALT A STAGGERING BLOW. PROTAGONIST IN MY OWN DRAMA TO: COMIC RELIEF IN MY PARENTS! TRAGEI YOUR FATHER st HAS HAD AFFAIRS. 58T HAP IMAGINED MY CONFESSION AS AN EMANCIPATION FROM MY PARENTS, BUT INSTEAD I WAS PULLED BACK INTO THEIR ORBIT. AND WITH MY FATHER'S: DEATH FOLLOWING IF I HAD NOT FELT COMPELLED TO SHARE MY LITTLE SEXUAL DISCOVERY, PERHAPS THE SEMI WOULD HAVE PASSED WITHOUT INCIDENT FOUR MONTHS LATER. WHY HAD I. TOLD THEM? I HADN'T EVEN WITH ANYONE YET. CONVERSELY, MY FATHER HAD BEEN HAVING SEX WITH MEN FOR YEARS AND NOT TELLING ANYONE. = WHY ARE YOu TELLING Me THIS THE LINE THAT DAD DREW BETWEEN REALITY AND FICTION WAS INDEED 4, BLURRY ONE. TO UNDERSTAND THIS, ONE HAD ONLY TO ENTER HIS LIBRARY. 59FOR ANTONE BUT THE LANDED GENTRY TO REFER TO A ROOM IN THEIR HOUSE AS "THE LIBRARY! MIGHT SEEM AFFECTED. BUT THERE REALLY WAS NO OTHER WORD FOR IT. If MY FATHER LIKED TO IMAGINE HIMSELF AS INETEENTH-CENTURY ARISTOCRAT OVERSEEING AFFECTATION CAN Be --AND BEC FORALL PURPOSES, REAL.THE LIBRARY WAS A FANTASY, BUT A FULLY OPERATIONAL ONE. a in PART OF DAD'S COUNTRY SQUIRE THE PROMISE WAS VERY LIKELY SEXUAL. ROUTINE INVOLVED EDIFYING THE IN SOME CASES, BUT WHATEVER ELSE VILLAGERS--HIS MORE PROMISING MIGHT HAVE BEEN GOING ON, BOOKS: HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS. WERE BEING READ. ————— (LITTERS | ars NS otDAP WAS PASSIONATE ABOUT MANY WRITERS, BUT HE HAD A PARTICULAR REVERENCE FOR FITZGERALD. MY MOTHER HAD SENT HIM 4 BIOGRAPHY OF FITZGERALD BEFORE THEY MARRIED, WHEN BAD WAS IN THE ARMY, GRADUATE ENGLISH PR OVERWHELMED wi THE WORKLOAD. HE hats ih he fe Aerin be THE TALES OF SCOTT AND ZELDa'S DRUNKEN, OUTRAGEOUS BEHAVIOR: CAPTIVATED HIM. petal Pre 7i> FAL oh 50k Pe 0 Ping goteze ad Pe Pips 5 gon he poy / (a0%y PEE C2T COULD NOT HAVE ESCAPED MY FATHER'S: NOTICE THAT DURING SCOTT'S OWN STINT INTHE ARMY HE WROTE HIS FIRST NOVEL AND BEGAN COURTING ZELDA. 4S THIS YOUR TO THIS POINT, BEGAN TO GROW LUSH WITH FITZGERALDESQUE SENTIMENT. j Brit A Lace pot Pot? ere. sport PLL Se A egen~. J tor yo Q bot pre’. at bk . tae gee ant locke ff are eT - TORE THROUGH FITZGERALD'S: STORIES, SEEING HIMSEL! IN VARIOUS CHARACTERS. DAD DOES NOT MENTION (PENTIFYING WITH THE CHARACTER OF JIMMY GATzZ, BUT THE PARALLELS ARE UNAVOIDABLE.LIKE GATSBY, MY FATHER FUELED THIS TRANSFORMATION WITH "THE COLOSSAL VITALITY OF HIS ILLUSION." “ UNLIKE GATSBY, HE DID IT ON A SCHOOLTEACHER'S SALARY. J EVEN SO, HIS NOBLESSE OBLIGE he a BLA WAS ENTIRELY GENUINE. GF i At aac Zeal MY FATHER EVEN LOOKED LIKE GATSBY, OR AT ANY RATE, LIKE ROBERT REDFORD IN SS at 2s eee | TOOK US TO SEE eee | THE MOMENT IT OPENED. i “TT = S i THE 1974 Movie. PERHAPS IT SEEMS LIKE A COLOSSAL ZELDA FITZGERALD ALSO HAP A FLUID ILLUSION ON MY PART TO COMPARE MY HARM, (T We SAID, WHI ELUDED THE FATHER TO ROBERT REDEORD. Sri Canc, ne WHICH eR Wy SCH Pe UAL m eas mio (| BUT HE WAS MORE ATTRAC Rel Ree | TIVE THAN THE PHOTO- GRAPHIC RECORD REVEALS. a |ITHINK WHAT WAS SO ALLURING TO MY FATHER ABOUT FITZGERALD'S STORIES WAS THEIR INEXTRICABILITY FROM FITZGERALD'S LIFE. ‘SUCH A SUSPENSI IN TRADE. —- = MAN, BEING IN THIS ROOM IS LIKE SOME: GOING BACK IN TIME. WHATS THIS SHIT? Ql} ==, = q fe cos = a) I = 5 C V7IF MY FATHER WAS A FITZGERALD CHARACTER, MY MOTHER STEPPED RIGHT OUT OF HENRY JAMES-~A VIGOROUS AMERICAN IDEALIST ENSNARED BY DEGENERATE. CONTINENTAL FORCES. Sal IN FACT, IN COLLEGE SHE PLAYED THE LEAD IN THE HEIRESS, WHICH IS BASED ON JAMES’S NOVEL WASHINGTON SQUARE. I BOUGHT YOU 4 SET OF BUTTONS... RUBIES AND PEARLS.I EMPLOY THESE ALLUSIONS TO JAMES AND FITZGERALD NOT ONLY AS DESCRIPTIVE DEVICES, BUT BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE MOST REAL TO Me IN FICTIONAL TERMS. a] FSR = Zi AND PERHAPS MY COOL AESTHETIC DISTANCE ITSELF DOES MORE TO CONVEY THE ARCTIC CLIMATE OF OUR FAMILY THAN ANY PARTICULAR LITERARY COMPARISON. MY PARENTS SEEMED ALMOST EMBARRASSED BY THE FACT OF THEIR MARRIAGE. THERE WAS NO STORY, FOR EXAMPLE, OF HOW THEY MET. ES ee Ty ae HOw DID You st MEET DAD? ig q anDON'T REMEMBER. pants MIXING, I eee TO INCENTRATE ON WHAT =M ‘DOING MONT. oe DAYS O OF MY FEATHERS SENTT- MENTAL | alice a eo? a 2“ AND ONE TIME MY MOTHER PUT HER HAND THESE STRAY RENTS IN THE OTHERWISE. ON HIS BACK AS WE WERE WATCHING TV. SEAMLESS FABRIC OF THEIR ANTAGONISM... ON BOTH OCCASIONS I WAS | ASTONISHED AND DISCOMFITED.-:WERE VERY NEARLY AS UNNERVING AS MY PARENTS MET, T EVENTUALLY EXTRACTED THE ANTAGONISM ITSELF. FROM MY MOTHER, IN A PERFORMANCE : OF THE TAMING OF THE SHREW. «AND TO CONCLUDE, WE HAVE 'GREED SO’ : WELL TOGETHER THAT UPON SUNDAY IS THE Las 7 bY Z pay ——— pw VEN fd es bd AL sh ee IT WAS A COLLEGE PRODUCTION. MY FATHER HAD A BIT PART AS ONE OF THE PLAYED THE LEAD. I SPECULATE ON WHAT ATTRACTED MY FATHER MORE--THE ROLE, THE ACTRESS, OR MY MOTHER HERSELF. ee ooEVEN IN THOSE PREFEMINIST nce MY PARENTS MUST HAVE FOUND THIS RELATION- MODEL TO BE THEY woo ey HAVE BEEN APPALLED AT THE pe THAT THEIR OWN 1D PLAY OUT IN A SIMILAR WAY.ISABEL ARCHER, THE HEROINE, LEAVES ISABEL TURNS DOWN A NUMBER OF AMERICA FOR EUROPE. SHE'S FILLED WORTHY SUITORS, BUT PERVERSELY WITH HEADY NOTIONS ABOUT LIVING HER = ACCEPTS GILBERT OSMOND, A CULTURED, LIFE FREE FROM PROVINCIAL CONVENTION DISSIPATED, AND PENNILESS EUROPEAN AND CONSTRAINT. ART COLLECTOR. GT SH I S14 EL gq “et 5 MY PARENTS MADE A TRIP TO PARIS. LATER, MY MOTHER WOULD LEARN THAT SOON AFTER THEIR WEDDING, TO VISIT DAD AND HIS FRIEND HAD BEEN LOVERS. AN ARMY FRIEND OF MY FATHER'S. K&S aS \ _ | MUCH LIKE ISABEL ARCHER il | LEARNS THAT GILBERT HAD BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR ALL | ALONG WITH THE WOMAN WHO INTRODUCED THEM.BUT TOO GOOD FOR HER OWN GOOD, ISABEL REMAINS WITH GILBERT... Pe = IBY cl --AND DESPI TO THE CONTRARY, ENDS UP GROUND IN THE VERY MILL OF THE CONVENTIONAL.” IN A PASSPORT PHOTO TAKEN EIGHT YEARS LATER, MY MOTHER'S LUMINOUS FACE HAS GONE DULL. JUN 2.91967 ap miTtED ———eene Nr —Sae ale FY THIS WAS FOR A THREE-WEEK |. 0, TOUR OF EUROPE ON WHICH YP] My BROTHER CHRISTIAN AND I WERE BROUGHT ALONG. ITE ALL HER YOUTHFUL HOPESTWAS A THRILLING TRIP. IN SWITZER- IN CANNES, I ARGUED COMPELLINGLY LAND I Ty MY PARENTS INTO FOR THE RIGHT TO EXCHANGE MY TANK BUYING ME HIKING BOOTS. SUIT FOR A PAIR GF SHORTS. r = SUCH FREEDOM FROM CONVENTION WAS INTOXICATING. BUT WHILE OUR TRAVELS: WIDENED MY SCOPE, I SUSPECT MY PARENTS FELT THEIR OWN DWINDLING. lL Ta SF | PERHAPS THIS WAS WHEN I CEMENTED THE UNSPOKEN COMPACT WITH THEM THAT I WOULD NEVER GET MARRIED, THAT I WOULD CARRY ON TO LIVE THE ARTIST'S LIFE HAD EACH ABDICATED. IT WOULD BE ALOT EASIER IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE YOUR ‘STUPID GIANT SHOES IN HERE.THAT IS IN FACT WHAT CAME TO: TO FASS. BUT NOT IN THE WAY ANY OF US HAD EXPECTED. 990-903 SACTeNOOsS A REVELATION NOT OF ne FLESH, BUT OF THE MIND. rp ape HAVING Si SINCE Me =x Seen THE WORP DUE TO ITS ALARMING PROMINENCE IN MY DICTIONARY. BUT Now NOT ER BOOK "A BOOK ABOUT PEOPLE WHO HAD COMPLETELY CAST ASIDE THEIR O1 “ELABORATED ON THAT DEFINITION, v4THAT FIRST VOLUME LED QUICKLY TO ATFEW DAYS LATER T SCREWED UP MY OTHERS. COURAGE AND BOUGHT ONE. es. BOOK REFERRED TO OTHER BOOKS, IN LIBRARY. I FOUND 4 FOUR-FOOT TROVE IN THE AND SOON I WAS TROLLING EVEN THE fe STACKS WHICH I QUICKLY RAVISHED. PUBLIC LIBRARY, HEEDLESS OF THE RISKS. yeeT 7 MY RESEARCHES WERE “CS ee | IT BECAME CLEAR I WAS: GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE THIS ACADEMIC PLANE AND: ENTER THE HUMAN FRAY. I WENT TO 4 MEETING OF SOMETHING BUT MY MERE PRESENCE, I FELT, HAD CALLED THE "GAY UNION," WHICH I AMOUNTED TO A PUBLIC DECLARATION. OBSERVED IN PETRIFIED SILENCE. I LEFT EXHILARATED. IT WAS IN THAT TREMULGUS STATE THAT I DETERMINED TO TELL MY PARENTS. EM. AY. ING IT FROM THEM HAD STARTED TO: LJ =i k READING? ANTY— DoT OM cers 4 THING GOOD? jaa CoRR, [Lt GAY REPORT HOMOSE XUALITIES —: Ez ( 4ID IT VIA LETTER--A REMOTE MEDIUM, MY FATHER CALLED AFTER RECEIVING IT. BUT AS I HAVE EXPLAINED, WE WERE HE SEEMED STRANGEL THAT SORT OF FAMILY. BUT HER RETURN €PISTLE ARRIVED A WEEK AND A HALF LATER. UHH...SHE'S WATCHING SOMETHING ON TV. SHE WAS PRETTY UPSET. 285 Ye 1g or, 3] AS DISAPPROVAL GOES, I ig | SUPPOSE IT WAS RATHER M ‘ Te pls eee hee mre, fehl 1 Preside, Ve hor here's ‘aiife - IHER P.S. INSTRUCTED ME TO DESTROY IN AN ATTEMPT TO SALVE THE WOUND, | LETTER. I BOUGHT MYSELF A PRESENT. A SYMBOL OF SELF-RELIANCE? AT ANY OPENING IT BACK IN MY ROOM, I ACCI- DENTALLY CUT MY FINGER. ZI SMEARED THE BLOOD INTO MY JOURNAL, PLEASED BY THE OPPORTUNITY TO TRANSMIT MY ANGUISH TO THE PAGE SO LITERALLY. 78I RESPONDED TO MY MOTHER'S SHE FILLED ME IN A FEW DATS LATER. BY POINT, Ni] And regarding your third Paragraph, no, T have no idea what you're talking about. What catastrophe? LESALE REVISION OF MY HISTORY--A HISTORY WHICH, I MIGHT ADD, HAD ALREADY BEEN REVISED ONCE. IN THE PRECEDING MONTHS--LEFT ME. STUPEFIED. BUT NOT QUITE STUPEFIED ENOUGH--A SOON, HOWEVER, I DISCOVERED AN “ANESTHETI CONDITION WHICH I REMEDIED UPON EVEN MORE P¢ Ic. HANGING UP THE PHONE. PLASTIC TUBING AVAILABLE AT ANY “SQ HARDWARE STORE ppTHE NOTION THAT MY SORDID PERSONAL AND BY MIDTERM T HAD BEEN SEDUCED LIFE HAD SOME SORT OF LARGER IMPORT COMPLETELY. WAS STRANGE, BUT SEDUCTIVE. FEMINISM IS THE THEORY. LESBIANISM 1S THE PRACTI« THIS WAS STREWN WITH BOOKS, HOWEVER, IN WHAT WAS FOR ME A NOVEL FUSION OF WORD AND DEED. I LOST MY BEARINGS. THE DICTIONARY SOME OF OUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD HAD BECOME EROTIC. STORIES WERE REVEALED AS PROP: GOD. CHRISTOPHER ROBIN'S ORAL, OSCILLATE, A TOTAL IMPERIALIST? OSCULATE, ORIFICE... Bo