Renaker 1

Madalyn Renaker

Professor Reynolds

ENG 1201

15 November 2020

How Parental Divorce Affects The Child’s Marriage

divorce affect the children involved when it comes to their future relationships?” at some point

in their lifetime. Divorce has become a common decision in the United States. Undramatic

divorce can be rare, emotions are fragile to everyone involved and children can discern what it

is like to hear or see their parents frequently arguing. Some might claim that children are not

impacted by divorce at all and it may teach children what not to do in a relationship. Carey

Kight and Andrea Bucilla are a prime example of this. During their interview, Carey and Andrea

explained that being exposed to their parent’s unhealthy marriage, they have learned how to

effectively communicate their marriage issues with each other. Some may disagree and claim

that having divorced parents teach children bad relationship habits. Divorce affects a child’s

ability to create a healthy relationship for their future marriage due to the exposure of their

parent’s unhealthy relationship(s) which can lead them to a bad perception of marriage.

Divorce is when a husband and a wife no longer agree they want to be married. Divorce

is not something that is taken lightly; unfortunately, divorce has become prevalent in The

United States. Between 40-50 percent of couples in the U.S. get divorced, which means that

almost half of the children in The United States have witnessed their parents getting a divorce.

Even though divorce rarely is because of a child, it affects the child greatly. Divorce changes
 Renaker 2

lives; most families have to move away, change school districts, and children are separated

from a parent or they have to switch houses every week. Although these situations are

unfortunate, most children have witnessed an unhealthy relationship between their parents

before the divorce was decided. After a child witnesses their parent’s failing marriage or

marriages, the older their children get, the more they strongly believe that marriage does not

work and divorce is inevitable. Once a divorce has been finalized, some children may develop

negative feelings about one parent and believe that only one parent is responsible for splitting

up the family. Other children may struggle as they get older with developing good

communication habits with his or her partner. Habits learned from childhood can possibly carry

into their own failing relationships. These are the very important factors that children of

divorced parents struggle with.

A key factor to consider why the United States divorce has changed so fast and is so

much higher than before is because it has been much more accepted in the past fifty years.

Prior to the last fifty years, divorce was not common and it was highly frowned on. Women

typically never made any decisions, especially when it came to divorce. The fact that getting a

divorce was so uncommon, most couples followed suit and no matter how unhappy the couple

was, divorce was never the option. This is no longer the case in today’s society; Women have

become independent and no longer have the mindset that for survival, they “need a man”.

Situations that increase a higher risk for divorce are young age, less education, less income,

premarital cohabitation, premarital pregnancy, lack of religion, and parental divorce.

Unfortunately, if someone is apart of parental divorce, their chance of divorce doubles. If both

husband and wife come from parental divorce, their chances of divorce are more than triple.
 Renaker 3

This proves that parental marriage greatly affects the survival of the marriage of the couple.

This situation is likely to spiral out of control; if generations of marital divorce are created, the

possibility of terminating the reoccurring event of divorce becomes more and more

unmanageable.

It seems to be more common for women who have had divorced parent’s to have more

severe marital struggles than men who have divorced parents. Women’s relationships from

their childhood seem to have a vast impact on their adult relationships. In the book “Daughters

of Divorce”, the author’s Terry Gaspard and Tracy Clifford directed this book for women who

have divorced parent’s and their purpose is to help women overcome the negative emotion

that parental separation creates. Gaspard and Clifford say “Women with divorced parents are

more than twice as likely than men to get divorced.”. This book also puts in perspective for

women that they could be searching for a relationship that is completely wrong and toxic for

them without even realizing it. This can happen from being shown what a toxic relationship

looks like which can have the child think that a relationship like that is normal.

Women’s marital experience in the United States is no different from women’s marital

experience in Turkey. Turkish women have admitted that after witnessing their parent’s

divorce, they have concluded that no marriage lasts forever. Serap Kavas, the author of “It Is

Not a Big Deal, I Can Do It, Too”: Influence of Parental Divorce on Professional Women's Marital

Experience in Turkey” from Middle East Technical University defends this information by

explaining that Turkish women lean toward divorce solving a marriage problem, instead of

working it out another way. The audience of the article is researchers who are wanting to

understand the normality of divorce in Turkey. Turkish women develop a fear of marriage
 Renaker 4

because they have been taught that divorce is a normal thing that happens in every

relationship. In Turkey, an average marriage only lasts five years. Although divorce in Turkey is

not wished upon, women view it as something that is bound to happen eventually. This

thought process has been developed from the women’s parents who have been divorced. In

most cases, their parents feel as though they have no control over their daughter’s marital

choices and cannot disagree with her divorce since her parents had agreed upon divorce.

Some situations occur after a divorce that involves the father-daughter relation. Either

the father-daughter relationship is extremely strong, or the father and daughter have little to

no relationship. The daughter who has little to no relationship with their father experiences

marital problems like commitment issues, non-effective communication, and level of emotional

intimacy. The article titled “The Father-Daughter Relationship and Intimacy in the Marriages of

Daughters of Divorce.” written by Dawn Hazz was directed towards the results that a women’s

relationship with their father occurs after a divorce. The article explains how a lack of a father-

daughter relationship can have a major effect on the daughter’s relationship with men. Hazz

says “ women who reported more emotional intimacy in their marriages were also more likely

to report having a stronger father-daughter relationship.”. This makes it clear that if a daughter

does not have a solid relationship with her father, it makes it harder for her to display

emotional intimacy.

Children often, at times feel like they have to act a certain way when they are with their

mother and a completely different way when they are with their father. It is common that

when a divorce has taken place, a parent wants to be seen as the “better” parent by having no

rules, for example. The inconsistency of character around each parent leads children to have to
 Renaker 5

act one way around their mother, and a different way around their father. Tamar Lewin, the

author of the article “Poll Says Even Quiet Divorces Affect Children's Paths” made it clear that

the audience is directed at the parents who had agreed on their divorce. The article gave an

example of inconsistent parenting by explaining that a child would have to remember that in

her mother’s house, she can use the phrase “screwed up”, but in her father’s house, she will be

corrected by the phrase “messed up”. Lewin’s purpose for including this example was to show

how children can put up “barriers” between their parents and feel as though they are two

different people. The feeling of inconsistency between two households makes it less easy for

the children to consider marriage due to the unpleasant situation that the child has been apart

of.

Divorce is not always messy, most of the time divorce is so the husband and wife can

live a happier life without each other. Even though some divorces can be labeled as “good

divorces” which means that there were minimal drama and conflict, it still is leaving children

fighting an emotional battle. Lewin supports this statement by saying “Even in a "good

divorce," in which parents amicably minimize their conflicts, children of divorce inhabit a more

difficult emotional landscape than those in intact families”. No matter if it is an easy divorce or

not, children are still left with being put in circumstances they have never been in. These

circumstances can shine marriage in a bad light and scare children of the thought of them

getting married themself because of witnessing the hurt of their parents and how it hurt

themself.

Oftentimes, children struggle to adjust to circumstances like this and they rebel towards

one parent but not the other. This leaves a negative opinion about that parental figure which
 Renaker 6

can lead to the child having future relationship problems. For example, if a daughter rebels

against her father, she may struggle to relate to any male or view males in the same negative

light as her father which can make it harder to be in a healthy relationship. Fathers can struggle

with building a solid relationship with their daughter if she only reminds or “acts” like his ex-

wife. Another example could be that a daughter rebels against her mother, she may think that

no mother/wife can be successful, so why should she even try to pursue a relationship if it

always fails. This mindset is very frugal when it comes to a successful marriage because if a

spouse is doubting the reliability of the marriage, it leads to a lack of effort and acceptance to a

failed relationship.

Commitment to a lifelong marriage is difficult for people who have divorced parents.

This is because they cannot see their marriage being successful since they have recognized so

many unsuccessful marriages. People who grew up with their parents having a healthy

relationship likely do not worry about these situations. Commitment is not as challenging for

this group because they have been shown what a long last marriage is supposed to look like

and how they should replicate it. It is not only common for people who have divorced parents

to have conflicts in their marriage, but it is customary to live a short-term marriage. “The Effects

of Divorce and Marital Discord on Adult Children’s Psychological Well-Being.” written by Paul R.

Amato is directed at people who are having challenges with relationships due to their

childhood. Paul R. Amato, from The Pennsylvania State University, explains why this is the case:

“children from divorced families reach adulthood with traits that predispose them to

relationship problems, such as a deficit in interpersonal skills, a weak commitment to the norm

of lifelong marriage, or personality characteristics that interfere with relationship harmony and
 Renaker 7

stability.”. Commitment issues are something that can make it hard for a relationship to be

sustainable and lasts a lifetime.

Figure 1. Comes from “The Effects of Divorce and Marital Discord on Adult Children’s

Psychological Well-Being.” written by Paul R. Amato. This figure shows the correlation and

causation between parental divorce and the offspring’s relationship instability. It shows the

key factor for the offspring to have psychological well-being. These two factors include

socioeconomic attainment and parent relationship. If the offspring does not maintain these

two factors after a divorce, it is likely for the offspring to have relationship instability. The

figure determines that the only way the offspring will have a sustainable relationship is if

these two factors are applied.

The ability to create a healthy relationship can be laborious when coming from a divorce

background. This is because these people show lower levels of oxytocin. Oxytocin is a

hormone that is often referred to as the “love hormone”. Oxytocin is released when a person is
 Renaker 8

exposed to trust, sexual activity, and relationship-building. Since it is common for people who

have divorced parents to have lower levels of oxytocin, it makes it harder for these people to

have a confident relationship. The research study called “People Who Experienced Parental

Divorce as Children Have Lower “Love Hormone” Levels than Those Who Did Not” performed

by Researcher Maria Boccia explains that the people who resulted in lesser oxytocin levels,

were people of divorced parents. Boccia said: “What we found was that oxytocin was

substantially lower in people who experienced parental divorce compared to those who did not

and correlated with responses on several measures of attachment,”. Due to this study, there is

a direct correlation that having divorced parents can impact and a person’s happiness and

happiness in a relationship. This research is a key factor that explains why the relationships of

people who have divorced parents are more likely to fail as well.

Carey Kight and Andrea Buccilla grew up down the street from each other in Dublin,

Ohio. The couple was high school sweethearts at Dublin Jerome High School. After high school,

they went their separate ways but ended up rekindling their relationship and got married in

August of 2017. They both grew up with parents who have been in multiple different

marriages. Andrea has always lived her life with her parents separated. From an early age, it

had only been Andrea and her mother. Andrea has witnessed her mother remarried twice and

Andrea has learned what the important steps there are to take in a marriage. Carey had to

move from one side of the United States to the other due to his parent’s divorce. Carey has

experienced the harsh impact that divorce makes on a child. “It has taught me how to express

my problems with Andrea in a different light. Often I look back and remember how problems in

my childhood house were handled and I try my best to do the opposite ” Carey says. Andrea
 Renaker 9

added to the conversation by saying that “Before Carey and I got married, I searched for

qualities in him that I knew were sustainable for a marriage.”. The couple both agreed that

being exposed to their parent’s marriages made them more confident in what they were

looking for in a partner. Andrea and Carey have been in a healthy marriage for three years and

counting.

Although parental divorce has a negative effect on most children, others argue that

divorce can be better for the child and affect them positively. Some claim that children who

grow up with parents that are constantly arguing would be happier and stabler if their parents

had got a divorce. In some cases, children can get more attention from each parent and the

child does not have to worry about listening to their parents arguing if they were still married.

Harry Benson, the author of the article “When, and Why, Divorce Hurts Kids” is for an audience

intended for couples who are determining the risk that is taken for their child’s mental stability

on divorce. Benson shares his argument by saying “mainly where there have been high levels of

conflict between spouses, both adults and children are better off after the split, especially in the

immediate aftermath.”. This can be common in many divorce situations, but unfortunately, the

aftermath of the divorce can still leave children with future marriage issues. Benson claims that

parental divorce lets the toxic environment escape from the child’s life and brings relief from

stress. This makes it less likely for children to pick up on toxic relationship traits that could

affect their future relationships. Hence, divorce may be the best option for a child to have a

sustainable relationship if they could never be exposed to unhealthy events and circumstances

in a marriage.
 Renaker 10

The statement “divorce does not damage a child” might be true in some cases, in most

cases it is not that way. A lot of times, agreeing on divorce does not happen fast. Parents have

to have serious problems and arguments before a divorce can be up for discussion. When

children are mixed into this picture, they are already exposed to a toxic relationship and pick up

bad marital habits that affect the child’s future relationship. Arguing always occurs in a

marriage, but the events that lead to divorce can be unhappiness, emotional or physical abuse,

or cheating on a spouse. It is rare for a divorce to take place before the toxic arguments and

events, which makes it very unlikely for a child to grow up having healthy communication skills

with their spouse. Children can grow up believing that cheating is ok or some can grow up that

emotional and physical abuse is normal. All of these events are not normal nor healthy, and

they do not create a long-lasting, sustainable marriage. The problem with this is that children

can possibly end up thinking that this behavior is ok and can lead them to relationship difficulty

if they accept or show this behavior.

In conclusion, divorce has been extremely prevalent in the United States and many

other countries around the world for the past couple of decades. Women seem to have a

harder time creating a healthy relationship after being exposed to their parent’s divorce and an

unhealthy relationship with their father. Many women have adopted the feeling that marriage

does not work and divorce is bound to happen. Children of divorced parents may not

necessarily be learning bad relationship habits from their parents, but they can be left behind

with a negative perception about marriage that can affect the child’s relationship and in the

future. The environment that children of divorced parents are exposed to can make their

relationships fail due to commitment issues and toxic events that take place in the household.
 Renaker 11

Divorce affects a child’s ability to create a healthy relationship for their future due to the

exposure of their parent’s unhealthy relationship, which can lead them to a bad perception of

marriage and difficulty with their own relationships.

Work Cited

Amato, Paul R., and Juliana M. Sobolewski. “The Effects of Divorce and Marital Discord on
Adult Children’s Psychological Well-Being.” American Sociological Review, vol. 66,
no. 6, Dec. 2001, pp. 900–921.

Benson, Harry. “When, and Why, Divorce Hurts Kids.” Institute for Family Studies, 16 Sept.
2014, ifstudies.org/blog/when-and-why-divorce-hurts-kids/.

Boccia, Maria. “Media and Public Relations.” Media and Public Relations | Baylor
University, 8 Sept. 2020, www.baylor.edu/mediacommunications/news.php?action=story.

Buccilla, Andrea. “Marriage Interview.” 15 Nov. 2020

Gaspard, Terry, and Tracy Clifford. Daughters of Divorce. [Electronic Resource] :

Haaz, DawnH., et al. “The Father–Daughter Relationship and Intimacy in the Marriages of
Daughters of Divorce.” Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, vol. 55, no. 2, Feb. 2014,
pp. 164–177.

Kavas, Serap, and Ayse Gunduz-Hosgor. “‘It Is Not a Big Deal, I Can Do It, Too’: Influence of
Parental Divorce on Professional Women’s Marital Experience in Turkey.” Journal
of Divorce & Remarriage, vol. 52, no. 8, Nov. 2011, pp. 565–585.

Kight, Carey. “Marriage Interview.” 15 Nov. 2020

Lewin, Tamar. “Poll Says Even Quiet Divorces Affect Children’s Paths.” The New York
Times, 2005, p. 13. EBSCOhost, search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?
direct=true&db=edsgao&AN=edsgcl.138338469&site=eds-live.
Renaker 12