Break Boundaries

The Future
Is
For us
The Organization

-2-
Dating and Relating

One last thing: Be patient with yourself. Don’t expect to change overnight. It takes prac-
tice to learn how to handle anger in positive ways, but it’s definitely worth the effort. You can
do it!

In friendship,
Terra

Where to turn

Cage Your Rage for Teens: A Guide to Anger Control by Murray C. Cullen and Joan
Wright (Lanham, MD: American Correctional Association, 1996). Using their
years of experience dealing with prison inmates (a very angry population), the
authors present a guide to anger management designed especially for teens.

Straight Talk About Anger by Christine Dentemaro and Rachel Kranz (New York:
Facts On File, 1995). This book gives teens information and advice on what the
authors call “the misunderstood emotion.” You’ll find tips on keeping an anger
log, talking to other people, and coping with anger in healthy, productive ways.

Winning! How Teens (and Other Humans) Can Beat Anger and Depression by Lew
Hamburger, Ph.D. (New York: Vantage Press, 1997). Written especially for
teens, this practical, helpful book talks about the causes and treatments of anger
and depression.

“Fires Within,” The InSite

www.TheInSite.org
Click on “Me, Myself, and I” to find this section of The InSite, which deals with
overwhelming feelings like anger and aggression. “Been There” stories by teens
who have struggled with anger, rage, and depression describe the valuable life
lessons these young people learned during tough times.
Embarrassment
Have you ever wished you could vanish from the planet because of something
you said or did? Everyone has embarrassed themselves at one time or another
(yes, even the coolest people you know). No one’s perfect, and we all make mis-
takes. It’s called being human.
When you do something embarrassing, like knocking over a soda, missing
a foul shot, or asking a question that the teacher says he just answered, give
yourself a break. At these moments, it may feel as if everyone is staring at you,
laughing, and thinking that you’re a complete idiot. But this just isn’t true! Most
people are much too concerned about their own mistakes to focus on yours.
If you think you’ve made a fool of yourself and don’t know what to do next,
follow these tips on dealing with embarrassment:

1. Admit that you’re feeling embarrassed. Don’t get defensive or try to

hide your feelings. You might even laugh and say, “Whoa! Am I embarrassed!”
The feelings will pass more quickly if you don’t try to cover them up or pretend
they don’t exist.

2. Forgive yourself. You made a mistake. It happens. Stop beating yourself

up. If you’ve hurt or embarrassed someone else, apologize. Sometimes this is
the hardest part, but it’s important to say you’re sorry, because it will make both
you and the other person feel better.

3. Move on. Put the embarrassing moment where it belongs: in the past. Push
yourself if you have to but get on with your life. If someone kids you about what
happened, say, “Oh, yeah! That was pretty embarrassing.” Laugh and show that
you can handle the teasing. Other people will soon forget about the embar-
rassing moment—and you will, too.

4. Think before you act or speak. Remembering this will save you from
some embarrassing moments. There’s no guarantee that it will prevent all
embarrassments, but it can help reduce them. And when you slip up, repeat tips
1–3 to recover more quickly.
Hey Terra,
No one knows this, but I’m really afraid of getting into situations that will embarrass me.
It happens all the time, no matter how careful I am. It’s gotten so bad lately that I don’t even
raise my hand in class because I’m afraid of saying something stupid. I don’t want to hang out
with other people because I just know I’m going to end up saying something embarrassing.
You’re probably thinking, “Like what?” I could give you a whole long list, but it’s too embar-
rassing! I’m probably missing out on a lot of fun because of this. I need help!

Embarrassed Guy

Dear Embarrassed Guy,

What’s your fear of embarrassment based on? What specific things have you done in the
past that embarrassed you? Write down a few of these memories and recall what happened
each time you messed up. How did other people react? After you felt embarrassed, what
happened?
No matter how many embarrassing moments we have (and believe me, we all have
them), we survive and life goes on. Even though people say, “I could have died of embar-
rassment,” no one really dies from this feeling. Each time the fear of embarrassment stops
you from doing something, repeat to yourself, “No one ever died of embarrassment, and
neither will I.”
If this doesn’t help, talk to a school counselor or another trusted adult about your prob-
lem. It’s important not to let fear stop you from socializing and having fun. And remember, one
of the biggest mistakes a person can make is to always be afraid of making one! Good luck!

In friendship,
Terra
Insecurity
Have you ever felt as if you’re really two people in one? Maybe one side of you
is cool, outgoing, and funny. But these qualities are hidden by your shy, awk-
ward, and not-so-cool side. Or maybe on the outside you’re popular and social,
but on the inside, you’re unsure of yourself. Perhaps, like many people, you
worry that you wouldn’t be accepted if everybody knew the real you.
There are times when everyone—even famous athletes, actors, and pop
stars—feels trapped in a prison of self-doubt. The prison walls can become so
thick that it’s nearly impossible to break out, try new things, and enjoy life.
When you’re a teen, your interests, attitudes, and feelings about yourself
change often—sometimes daily. With so much change, it can be difficult to feel
confident, especially in new situations. People who are unsure of themselves
and their ability to succeed can get stuck in an insecurity trap. If you’re in this
trap, you might hold yourself back and miss out on wonderful opportunities.
How can you escape from the trap? One of the best ways is to figure out
what you’re good at. By focusing on your strengths (talents, abilities, positive
traits), you’ll start feeling more secure about yourself. Here’s how to begin:

1. Make a list of your strengths. You might include things like “People
know they can count on me” or “I’m a good listener.” Or you could list any
special skills you have like telling jokes, drawing, singing, playing soccer, or
being a good student.

2. Make a list of your weaknesses. What traits are preventing you from
being happy or self-assured? We’re not talking about looks! Focus on person-
ality traits that need work or skills you might improve on. For example, “I put off
things until the last minute” or “I don’t always tell the truth about how I feel.”

3. Keep both lists the same size. If you think of five weaknesses, come up
with five strengths. If you have a hard time identifying your strengths, ask a
parent or friend for suggestions.

4. Review your strengths. How do you feel about them? Does the list
include things you don’t usually give yourself credit for? If so, give yourself
credit now. And think about how you can use these strengths more than you
already do. Write down your ideas, so you can turn them into goals.
5. Review your weaknesses. Identify the weaknesses you can live with for
now and think about the ones you want to work on. Don’t tackle everything at
once. Instead, choose one weakness and develop a plan of action. For example,
if you want to stop putting things off until the last minute, think of ways to get
more organized about deadlines. Maybe you can break down a long-term
assignment into several small steps. This way, you’ll be more likely to make
steady progress toward your main goal. When you successfully complete one
long-term assignment, you’ll feel more motivated to start the next one without
procrastinating. Soon, “I’m organized” might be one of your strengths!

Hey Terra,
I’m just your average teen (maybe below average in looks). But all of the other average kids
seem to have a lot more fun than I do. I do okay in school, but there’s got to be more to life
than getting good grades.
It would be so cool to have a bunch of friends to hang out with or to have a girlfriend,
but I don’t think I’m good enough for any girl to want to go out with me. Whenever I get the
idea to call up someone, I stop myself because I’m sure no one would want to spend time
with me. So I end up just staying home because the last thing I want to hear is somebody
telling me they don’t want to be with me. Even though they’d probably make up some polite
excuse like, “Sorry, I’m busy,” I’d know what they really meant.

Why Bother?

Dear Why Bother,

It’s normal to feel insecure at times, especially when you’re going through a lot of changes
(like puberty). But it sounds like you spend too much time putting yourself down. If you’re
always thinking, “I’m not good enough” and “Nobody wants to be with me,” these put-
downs become a habit, and it becomes hard to enjoy social situations—or life in general. Once
you’re aware of any bad habit, you can start gaining control of it.
 Each time a negative thought about yourself pops into your head, notice it—but don’t
agree with it or get angry with yourself for thinking it. Instead, ask yourself what triggered the
thought (a certain person, event, or situation, for example). Then come up with a positive
thought to tip the scale in the other direction. If your automatic negative thought is, “Nobody
likes me,” replace it with something like, “My friends care about me.” The goal is to get out
of the habit of putting yourself down.
You can also raise your self-esteem by focusing on your strengths instead of your weak-
nesses. You said that you’re a good student. Why not get involved in an academic club or vol-
unteer to tutor other students who need help? These are ways to meet new people who are
likely to respect and even admire you.
Insecurity can lead you to build a wall between yourself and the rest of the world, rather
than risk being rejected. The wall keeps other people out, making it hard for them to get to
know you (and vice versa). If you’re ready for a change, break down the wall and reach out
to others. Try starting a conversation with someone you don’t know that well. Not everyone
you meet will automatically become a friend, but some will, and that’s worth a lot!

In friendship,
Terra

Loneliness
There’s a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Alone means by
yourself, on your own. It’s not a bad thing; in fact, most of us need some alone
time occasionally. Being by ourselves can be fun, because it allows us to pursue
special interests or hobbies. And it gives us a chance to get in touch with our
deepest thoughts and our dreams of the future.
Being on your own is also about exploring your independence out in the
world. Part of growing up is learning to be comfortable on your own and enjoy-
ing the freedom to decide what’s right for you. Activities that don’t involve your
family give you a way to define yourself as an individual.
Loneliness, on the other hand, is about feeling left out, invisible, or discon-
nected from others. You can feel lonely all by yourself or in a room full of
people. Either way, being lonely is never fun and can be very painful.
You might feel lonely if your best friend moves away or if the two of you
drift apart. Or if you break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Or if you go to a
new school and don’t know anyone yet. Or if you’re on a family vacation and
miss having your friends around. Sometimes you might feel lonely if you don’t
believe that anyone really understands you.
If you feel lonely, it’s normal to want to retreat from the world, but this
never helps. Instead, make the effort to reach out to someone (even though it
may be scary for you to do that). As the saying goes, “If something isn’t scary,
then it doesn’t take real courage to do it.” So be brave and go for it!
To get started, talk to someone in your class who seems friendly and invite
this person to do something with you outside of school. Call a friend you’ve
lost touch with. Volunteer at a child-care center or at a home for senior citizens.
Or visit the teen chat rooms at The InSite (www.TheInSite.org). There are plenty
of ways to reach out—maybe you can think of a few more.
Connecting with others will help lessen the loneliness. At first, it might feel
awkward to talk to other people, but try it anyway. Developing social skills takes
practice, so don’t worry if things don’t go smoothly right away. If you still feel
uncertain and you want to talk to someone about your loneliness, go to an
adult you trust (a parent, teacher, school counselor, or religious leader, for
example). Find someone who will be understanding and helpful.

Hey Terra,
Sometimes I feel like I live on a deserted island when I’m not in school. The thing is, nobody
ever wants to hang out with me on weekends or during vacations. What should I do?

Lonely

Dear Lonely,
Do you call other people and invite them over, or do you wait for them to call you? Maybe all
you need to do is make the first move. Have a party or invite someone over to watch videos.
Or, on a Friday afternoon, ask some people what their plans are for the weekend. If they men-
tion a group activity and seem open to inviting others, ask if you can join them.
 If you’re not comfortable with either of these ideas, extend your school day by getting
involved in extracurricular activities like sports, theater, dance, or community service. That way,
you’ll be doing things that interest you, as well as filling your lonely hours. These new activi-
ties will lead to new friends. Best of luck!

In friendship,
Terra

Sadness
Sadness can creep up slowly like fog or knock you over like a sudden explosion.
When you’re sad, you may feel teary, vulnerable, empty, or lost. You may want
to be alone to cry, take a shower, spend time with your pet, write in your jour-
nal, or lie on your bed and listen to music. You might want to call up a friend,
send an email, or seek comfort from your family.
There’s no “right” way to deal with sadness. Different people cope with
emotions in different ways. But if you’re feeling sad, here are five steps you can
take to help yourself feel better:

1. Figure out why you’re sad. Sadness is usually the result of a loss of some
sort. For example, if your parents separate or get divorced, you lose the family
life you’ve always known. If you move to a new neighborhood, you lose people
and places you care about. Even a change like the end of the school year—
something you probably look forward to—can cause feelings of sadness as you
leave behind favorite teachers, classes, and classmates. Disappointment can
lead to sadness, too. To pinpoint the cause of your sadness, ask yourself these
questions: Who or what have I lost? What changes have taken place in my
life, and what have I lost as a result? Who has disappointed me? Have I dis-
appointed myself?

2. Talk to someone you trust. You don’t need someone to try to fix things
for you, because you can do that yourself once you’ve figured out what’s going
on. But it does help to talk with someone you trust. When you’re sad, it’s com-
forting to share your feelings with someone who cares enough to listen.

3. Write down your feelings. Writing allows you to express your emotions,
instead of keeping them trapped inside. It also helps you see your problems
from a new perspective, which might lead to solutions. If your sadness is due to
the loss of a relationship, write a letter to the person you’ve lost—the letter is
for you to keep and not to send. As you write, notice how you feel. Read your
writing aloud when you’re done. How do you feel afterward?

4. Check in with your body. How do you feel physically? Are you hungry,
thirsty, tired, or premenstrual? Overactive hormones or a lack of food, water,
exercise, fresh air, or sleep can intensify your emotions. If you’re feeling sad, pay
attention to your physical needs and take care of your body. This will help you
feel better physically and emotionally.

5. Try a change of scenery. Sometimes staring at the same four walls makes
you feel stuck in your sadness. Getting outdoors and breathing fresh air helps.
Make plans with someone you enjoy spending time with. Seeing new sights or
having something to look forward to may raise your spirits.

Sometimes sadness is really more than sadness. When the feelings are very
deep and hard to shake, they may be a symptom of depression. Depression
hangs over you like a dark cloud that won’t go away, and you may feel hopeless
and unmotivated—as though you’ll never be happy again. You may have trouble
sleeping or feel as if you can’t get up to face a new day. You may even have
thoughts of hurting yourself or committing suicide.
If you feel depressed or suicidal, get help right away. Talk to a trusted adult
immediately. You don’t have to face this alone! There are people who care and
want to help you feel better. Remember, you deserve to be happy, and you can be.

When Nothing Matters Anymore: A Survival Guide for Depressed Teens by Bev
Cobain, R.N.,C. (Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publishing Inc., 1998). Are you feel-
ing helpless, sad, lonely, angry, or unhappy? This book can help you figure out
if you’re depressed. First-person stories of young people with depression let you
know you’re not alone and you can find the help you need.
My grandmother died last week. She had been sick for about a year and was having a lot of
trouble breathing. So, in a way, it’s better for her because she’s not in pain anymore, but I
still miss her! She had a great smile and would always listen to me no matter what I talked
to her about.
The last time I saw her, she joked around, and even though she was very weak and had
all these tubes stuck in her, she asked me how I was doing! I think she was the only person
who really understood me. Now that she’s gone, I feel really lost.
I used to write poems to her for her birthday, and she really liked them. I recently wrote
a poem for her, but she died before I got to read it to her. I feel empty inside, and I don’t want
to talk to anyone.
Dear Empty,
I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma. Even though you know she isn’t suffering anymore,
you still miss her, of course. She really cared about you, and you made her life brighter, too.
You gave each other something wonderful, and nothing can ever take that from you.
People deal with grief and loss in their own way and in their own time. Right now, you’re
feeling sad and lost and empty. This is normal, and so is feeling like you don’t want to talk to
anybody. But talk anyway, because it will help you feel better.
Who else in your family felt especially close to your grandma? Maybe you and that
person can comfort each other by sharing your feelings, talking about her, and remembering
the good times. If you can’t talk to anyone at home, get in touch with your school counselor
or another caring adult. If you lock your feelings inside, they’ll keep hurting more and more.
I would also encourage you to continue writing poetry, which is a wonderful way to
express yourself. Or write a letter to your grandma, saying all of the things you’re feeling; this
will make you feel closer to her. Keep this letter to yourself, if you want, or share it with some-
one else.
Because I believe that people who love us are always with us inside, I feel strongly that
your grandma is there for you in your heart. If you ever need her advice, just find a quiet place
and “talk” to her inside your head (you could even read your poems to her). Her love and
wisdom are still there for you and always will be. Take care.

In friendship,
Terra

HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR LOOKS

Many teens spend a lot of time agonizing about their looks. Are you one of them?
Maybe you love the way you look and wouldn’t change a thing. It’s great when
you feel that way. But maybe you think you’re not good-looking enough, muscu-
lar enough, tall enough, thin enough, “perfect” enough . . . Well, enough already!
If you constantly compare yourself to other people or to images in magazines,
movies, and on TV, you’ll probably feel inadequate. You need to know that “good-
looking” comes in all different sizes, shapes, and colors. Instead of reminding
yourself (and everyone else) about your so-called flaws, focus on your good
points. This is the first step to building a healthier relationship with your body.
 Whenever you have a negative thought about your looks (“My rear end is too
big,” “My shoulders aren’t broad enough,” or “I hate my hair,” for example),
STOP. Don’t put yourself down. Instead, practice replacing negative thoughts
with positive ones. Find at least one thing that you like about your body or
looks (“I have nice eyes,” “My legs are strong,” or “I like my smile,” for example).
Every time you have the urge to be self-critical, remember your good points
instead.
Most people don’t know this, but negative body thoughts often have more
to do with how you feel than how you look. Consider how you typically deal
with your emotions—do you express them in healthy ways, or do you hide
them, ignore them, or shove them aside? If you don’t express your feelings,
where do you think they end up? Lots of times they get buried inside you and
become more intense.
Because unexpressed feelings stick around for so long, it’s easy to forget
what originally caused them and to lash out at the closest target: your body. You
may criticize yourself, diet too much, eat too much, work out excessively, or try
other unhealthy ways of coping. If this sounds familiar, get in touch with what
you’re really feeling (because feeling “fat,” for example, isn’t an actual emotion).
Here are four steps for improving your relationship with your body:

1. Wake up to media madness. Contrary to what advertisers want you to

believe, people do not have perfect bodies, hair, teeth, skin, clothes, and so on.
Don’t buy into the hype. Be aware that models and celebrities who look “per-
fect” are often so thin that their health is in danger. Also, to achieve their glam-
orous image, they have to rely on lighting experts, hair and makeup artists,
plastic surgeons, and computer wizards to make them look more beautiful.
Think about it, how many people do you know who really look “perfect”?

2. Don’t strive for perfection—it doesn’t exist. Going after perfection

wastes your time and creative energy. If you set impossible standards for your
appearance, you’ll always feel as if you don’t measure up. No human being is
perfect. The people who really love us accept the imperfect parts of us. To love
yourself, you need to do the same thing.

3. What’s behind the negative thinking? Every time you have a negative
thought about your body, ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?”
Suppose you’re getting ready to go to a dance. You look in the mirror and think

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something like, “No one would ever want to dance with someone who has such
a big nose!” Stop and ask yourself what you’re really feeling. Perhaps you’re
nervous about asking someone to dance with you, or you’re worried that the
person you like won’t show up. See how it works? Most of the time, what you’re
feeling has nothing to do with your body.

4. Spread the word. Talk with your friends about the “perfect body” myth
that the media is selling. Help them understand that when they criticize their
bodies or obsess about their appearance, it’s a sign that they’re feeling some-
thing they haven’t expressed yet. Be a role model by not criticizing yourself or
comparing yourself to others. Make a point of talking to your friends about
their feelings and complimenting them on their positive personality traits.
Shifting the focus from looks to feelings and personal qualities will improve
your relationship with your body, yourself, and others.

I want to look like the models

in the fashion magazines
Send
Hey Terra,
Okay, so I’m not great looking like the girls in the fashion mags. It’s not like I don’t try! What’s
wrong with me? Maybe I just like food too much to be thin and beautiful like my best chum
who never eats anything. I’d like to be sexy like her, but I just can’t, so it’s no wonder no guys
fancy me.

British Fat Girl

Dear British Girl,

First, stop thinking of yourself as “fat.” Many girls and women are obsessed with their weight,
and this isn’t healthy. Good physical and emotional health is what it’s really all about (not the
number on the bathroom scale or the size of your jeans). Make an appointment with your
doctor and have a checkup. Talk to him/her about the foods you eat, your activity level, and
your family’s health history. That way, you’ll find out whether you need to make some changes
in how you eat and exercise. The goal is to maintain good health.

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 Me, Myself, and I 27

Bodies come in different sizes. You may not be the same size as your friend or the fashion
models, but this doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with you. In fact, you may be
healthier than your friend, because we all need to eat food to be healthy and, as you say, you
actually eat and she doesn’t! (Is there a chance that your friend has an eating disorder? If so,
she needs help. Talk to her or a trusted adult about the situation.)
Do yourself a favor: put away the fashion magazines and pick up a book about body
image and health. This will help you understand your relationship with your body and feel
more positive about who you are. When you feel good about yourself, your confidence
increases and people want to get to know you. Learning to accept yourself and showing
others what you have to offer is definitely a worthwhile goal. Thanks for writing.

In friendship,
Terra

Where to turn

The Invisible Woman by W. Charisse Goodman (Carlsbad, CA: Gurze Books,

1995). The author explores cultural discrimination against fat women. She
shatters stereotypes, raises awareness about fat phobia and harassment, and
states that no one has the right to discriminate against anyone based on their
size and shape.

The Right Moves: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Fit and Feeling Good by Tina Schwager,
P.T.A., A.T.,C., and Michele Schuerger (Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publishing Inc.,
1998). This book covers what teen girls need to know about eating right, exer-
cising safely and effectively, and feeling good about themselves.

When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies: Freeing Yourself from Food and Weight
Obsession by Jane R. Hirschmann and Carol H. Munter (New York: Fawcett
Books, 1997). The authors explain how “bad body thoughts” are clues to your
emotions, plus how to accept your body and treat it well.

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28 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

About-Face
www.about-face.org
Here’s help for losing a negative body image. This Web site educates girls and
guys about the way the media has influenced views about what’s “beautiful”
and made so many people unhappy with their appearance.

“Problems with Food,” The InSite

www.TheInSite.org
Click on “Me, Myself, and I,” then on “Some Body,” then on “Health” to find
this section of The InSite, which explores anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive
overeating. A special feature includes “Been There” stories by young people who
have struggled with eating disorders and won their battles.

My breasts are too big!

Send

Hey Terra,
I have large breasts, and I hate them. I’m so sick of guys who look at my breasts instead of at
me! It also really bugs me that guys think that because I’m big I’m automatically a slut. I can’t
help it if I’m big, and it doesn’t make me a slut!

Screaming

Dear Screaming,
I don’t blame you for your anger and frustration. Any guy who looks at your breasts instead
of your face isn’t treating you with respect and needs to be told, “Hey! I’m up here!” If the
guys you encounter hear this often enough, they’ll get the message.
Why do some guys act this way? It might have to do with media messages. Images of
breasts are everywhere—on TV and billboards, and in movies, magazines, and arcade games.
The message is that large breasts are attractive, sexy, and alluring. Some guys get the message
and think it’s acceptable to gawk at a girl’s chest (an extremely rude thing to do). Girls get these
messages, too, and may (wrongly) come to believe that their breast size determines their value.

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 Me, Myself, and I 29

You say that you hate your breasts because they’re too big. Breast size is determined by
heredity, and there’s not much you can do about it (aside from plastic surgery, which I don’t
recommend, except to correct medical conditions). It’s important for you to love and accept
your body and to realize that you’re much more than just a physical being. Your talents and
goals count for a whole lot more than your breast size! Take care.

In friendship,
Terra

Would a popular girl ever like

a chunky guy?
Send
Hey Terra,
There’s this girl I think I’m in love with. She’s really pretty, and she’s friendly to everyone, espe-
cially guys, but she’s also friendly to me. She sits next to me in Spanish, and she always says
hi and asks me how I did on tests and stuff. When I see her in the hall, she smiles at me and
waves. This is really amazing because I’m not good-looking or anything. In fact, I’m kind of
chunky, and girls don’t ever pay attention to me (except to make fun of me). Anyway, I’m
thinking of buying her something special for Valentine’s Day, but I’m not sure what she’ll say.

Is She the One?

Dear Is She the One,

I understand that this girl’s attention makes you feel good, but do you really know her well
enough to be in love with her? What do you know about her personality and interests? It’s
normal to like someone who’s friendly and pays attention to you, especially when you’re feel-
ing insecure about yourself. But if the girl in your Spanish class acts toward you the way she
does toward a lot of other guys, it might just mean that she’s outgoing. I suggest that you try
to learn more about her before confessing your feelings.
For Valentine’s Day, just give her a friendly card (not the romantic kind) and see what hap-
pens. If she’s still friendly, talk with her and get to know her better. Let her see all of your pos-
itive qualities, and don’t focus so much on your looks and your weight. If you’re worried about

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30 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

your weight, you could talk to your doctor about it. Find out if you need to make some
changes in the way you eat or in your activity level. But to answer your question, my guess is
that a girl would go out with a “chunky” guy if she liked him for who he was.
There’s one thing you need to know: the better you feel about yourself, the more likely
it is that you’ll find a girl to have a healthy relationship with. I wish you well.

In friendship,
Terra

MAKING DECISIONS
As you get older, you get to make more decisions about everything—what you
wear, what classes you take, who you spend time with, who you date (if you
date), where you go on weekends, what you do there, and more. Being respon-
sible for your own decisions can be a mixed blessing. It’s very satisfying to have
more control over your life. But when life gets complicated and choices are hard,
you might miss the days when your mom or dad decided everything for you.
When faced with a decision, do you tend to overanalyze everything and
have a difficult time choosing? Or do you jump into things without consider-
ing the consequences first? Maybe you’re somewhere in between? Or maybe
you decide things differently depending on the situation. Whatever your usual
decision-making style is, here’s an exercise that can help you improve:

You’ve been offered two summer jobs—one as a server

at a fast-food restaurant and one as a counselor at a
children’s day camp. You have to decide by the end of
the week, or you lose both opportunities. Which choice
is right for you?

Decision-making can be difficult, but in this situation, as with any decision,

you can start by writing down the pros and cons of each choice. For example:

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 Me, Myself, and I 31

FAST-FOOD RESTAURANT
____
Pros Cons
- free shakes - being inside
- decent pay - being on my feet all day
- flexible work schedule - being around greasy food
- lots of teens around

CAMP
_
Pros Cons
- working with little kids - lower pay
- being outdoors - little kids can be challenging
- swimming on the job - not as many other
- will look good on résum é teens around

When you review your lists, don’t just compare the number of items in each
column. Instead, consider how important each pro or con is to you. Maybe you
love being outside, which you’ll get plenty of at the camp. Notice that one of
the cons of working at the fast-food place is that you’re inside all day. This
might push you in the direction of the camp job. On the other hand, maybe
you’re saving money for college, in which case better pay could steer you in the
direction of the fast-food job. Weigh the pros and cons until the right choice
becomes clear.
What happens if you’re still not sure what to do? Talk to people you trust,
find out if they’ve ever faced a similar decision, and ask for their advice—they
may offer ideas you hadn’t considered. Although it’s your decision, it’s some-
times helpful to hear other opinions and get a different point of view. In the
end, you may have to listen to your inner voice or follow your gut feeling about
which choice is right for you.
If you still can’t decide, try one of these strategies:

• Be tough with yourself. Set a deadline for making the decision and stick to
it. For example, tell yourself you’ve got only one day to decide. Think about the
decision as much as you want that day. When your deadline arrives, keep your
promise to decide and follow through no matter what.

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32 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

• Sleep on it. Before you go to bed, say to yourself, “I will wake up tomorrow
knowing what to do.” This way, your mind can work on the problem while
you’re asleep. You might even have a dream that helps you decide. (Write down
the dream the moment you wake up, so you don’t forget it. Then think about
what the dream might be telling you.)

Maybe you’re afraid of making a poor choice. If so, ask yourself what’s the
worst that can happen. Sometimes making the “wrong” choice isn’t a big deal.
(You’re out to eat and choose the salad instead of the sandwich, and you don’t
enjoy your meal—not a major catastrophe.) But sometimes a wrong decision is
a big deal. (You decide you don’t want to play soccer anymore, so you quit the
team. Halfway through the season, you’re bored and you miss the game and
your teammates. Now what do you do?) If you’re worried about not making the
right decision, remember:

1. Things don’t always turn out as planned. That’s part of life and not
necessarily a bad thing. Life’s surprises can prove very interesting!

2. Every experience is a learning opportunity. Mistakes offer great

opportunities for learning, even if it’s only to learn what not to do next time.

3. Accept what is and make the best of the situation. There’s no use get-
ting upset about the things you can’t change. Realizing that there’s an “up” side
to almost everything makes life easier and helps you move on to your next
learning opportunity.

Isn’t it MY decision?
Send

Hey Terra,
In the past, I’ve had some problems with low self-esteem and stuff. I couldn’t talk to my par-
ents about what was going on, and they got all worried and wanted me to talk to the school
counselor. Well, I did talk to her, and she turned out to be really cool! So after a few months
of going to her every week, I started feeling much better about myself.

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 Me, Myself, and I 33

But here’s the problem—my family is moving next month, and I’m going to another
school. My parents want me to meet regularly with the counselor at the new school, but I
don’t really think I need a counselor anymore. (I probably wouldn’t even like him.) I feel like
it’s my decision, but my parents are really pressuring me. What should I do?

Cured

Dear Cured,
It’s great that you don’t think you need counseling anymore. Sounds like you’re feeling much
better about yourself! I agree that it needs to be your decision whether to talk to a counselor.
But before you decide, make sure you have all of the facts. Have you met the new school
counselor yet? If not, you can’t really say whether you’d like him or not.
Also, keep in mind that going to a new school could be stressful at first. Until you find
new friends, some of your old feelings of low self-esteem might return. If that happens, it
would help to have someone to talk to—someone who really knows how to listen.
My advice is to talk to your current counselor and get her opinion, and then see how you
feel when you get to the new school. It can’t hurt to pop in and say hi to the new counselor.
That way, if it turns out you do need to talk sometime, you’ll already know who he is and he’ll
know you. Good luck!

In friendship,
Terra

How far should I go for a friend?

Send

Hey Terra,
I have a friend I’ve gotten pretty close to over the past year. He’s cool, and we have a good
time playing video games and hanging out. We’re also on the same soccer team. The thing
is, he’s not that great of a student and I am. Lately, especially in math and science, he’s been
asking me to give him the answers to homework and tests. We’re in the same science class,
but I have math before lunch and he has it right afterward. The math teacher always gives the
same exact tests and assignments to each class, which is one reason my friend wants to get
my answers.

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34 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

The first time he asked me for the answers, I didn’t want to give them to him, but instead
of telling him no, I pretended I didn’t remember any of the questions. The next time, he really
begged me, so I just kind of gave him part of the answer to one question.
We’re having a big math test on Friday, and my friend wants me to write down all of the
questions and give them to him right after my class finishes taking the test. I really don’t want to
do this, but I’m pretty sure if I don’t, it’s going to hurt our friendship. I don’t know what to do!

Good Student

Dear Good Student,

Sometimes it’s hard to stand up for what you believe in and act against a friend’s wishes.
I think you know exactly what the right thing to do is, but it’s normal to have mixed feelings
in this situation. Your friend knows he’s asking you to cheat: what kind of friend would put
you at risk like this? If he gets caught, you’ll both be in trouble. Even if you don’t get caught
this time, he may keep asking you to cheat.
Although you don’t want to risk your friendship, I suggest that you tell your friend how
you honestly feel about the cheating. Let him know what your values are and why you want
to stick to them. Offer to help him study, so he can get better grades on his own. If he doesn’t
want to be your friend after you tell him you won’t cheat, that’s his choice. He may actually
be a “friend” you’re better off without. You may feel hurt at first, but imagine how you’ll feel
if you don’t do what you know is right. Setting aside your own values to please someone else
won’t lead to a healthy relationship—with your friend or with yourself. Best of luck!

In friendship,
Terra

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W hen you’re eight, finding out that someone “likes” you might be enough
to make you gag. At that age, romance isn’t likely to be on your mind.
Then sometime during your preteen and teen years, when your body starts
changing, your thoughts might start changing, too. Almost overnight, the idea
of having a boyfriend/girlfriend (bf/gf) may become so exciting that you can
hardly think of anything else.
Many girls and guys think that having a bf/gf is part of what being a teen is
all about. While it’s true that the intense emotional waves you ride as an ado-
lescent can lead to attractions to other people and to romantic relationships,
this doesn’t always happen. What if you’re one of the millions of teens who has
never been in love or had a bf/gf? Does this mean there’s something wrong with
you? No! Should you be worried? Absolutely not.
Almost everyone falls in love at least once in his/her life. If you haven’t yet
(but you want to), there’s an excellent chance you will someday. Can you make
it happen sooner? Probably not. But there is something you can do in the mean-
time: be clear about the things you want and need, which makes you more
open to having them in your life. Being aware of what’s important to you

35
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36 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

encourages you to look for what you want. This, in turn, helps you see the
potential in situations and take advantage of opportunities that may result in
new friendships . . . or even love.

LOOKING FOR LOVE

By now, you’re responsible enough to leave the house alone, meet friends, and
go places with them, and being independent like this is pretty cool (after all, it
wasn’t so long ago that you couldn’t go anywhere without adult supervision).
Maybe you love your freedom and independence, and you’re not on the look-
out for a romantic relationship. If so, being “single” isn’t a problem for you,
and in fact, you may love it.
But for some teens, being single is a major problem. Maybe you feel lonely
and incomplete without a boyfriend/girlfriend, or as if something’s missing
from your life. If this sounds like you, you’re probably wondering when you’ll
finally meet that special someone. Maybe you spend a lot of time dreaming
about and searching for love.
Many teens (and preteens) spend a lot of energy obsessing about falling in
love. Teens who constantly talk about how they need a bf/gf may be feeling pres-
sured from articles in teen magazines or images on TV and in movies. Some
young people believe they’ll be cooler or more accepted if they’re in a romantic
relationship, and some just want a bf/gf because other people have one.
What most teens really need are opportunities to develop healthy friend-
ships with girls and guys. If you think friends aren’t as important as
boyfriends/girlfriends, you’re wrong! Friendships, in the long run, are often
more meaningful and lasting than romantic relationships. You’re probably
more relaxed, open, and trusting with your friends, because you know and
understand each other well, and the bond between you is strong. Romantic rela-
tionships, on the other hand, may be based more on physical attraction than
common interests. Sometimes it’s hard for young people in such relationships
to build trust.
What’s all this leading up to? If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, be sure to
still make time for your friends (not to mention your family and yourself).

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 What Are Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships All About? 37

If you don’t have a bf/gf, stop thinking of yourself as a lonely person looking
for love—and start being a loving person who’s busy living life.

Is my true love someone

exactly like me?
Send
Hey Terra,
In the movies, you can always tell when people meet their true love for the first time because
they look at each other in this special way, like they recognize each other even though they’ve
never met before. I know that things are different in real life, but is meeting your true love the
same as falling in love at first sight? Is it like meeting someone who is so totally like you that
they are your other half?

Waiting to Fall in Love

Dear Waiting to Fall in Love,

You’re right, life isn’t like the movies, although it’s fun to imagine what it would be like if it
was! In real life, people do fall in love “at first sight,” but what they’re probably feeling is a
strong physical attraction. This may or may not develop into love.
I don’t think that you can truly love someone you don’t yet know. And how can you know
someone you’re meeting for the first time? You may love the way someone looks, but this isn’t
the same as love. Relationships grow as people discover their similarities and learn to respect
and appreciate their differences. Someone who’s totally like you (if there is such a person) isn’t
someone you can learn from or teach anything to. So how can the relationship grow?
Here’s my advice: don’t waste time waiting to fall in love. Get to know yourself better by
exploring your interests and developing friendships. In the process, you may get close to people
who are nothing like you, which will offer you a chance to learn and grow. I wish you well.

In friendship,
Terra

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38 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

I wish I had a girlfriend!

Send

Hey Terra,
I feel very lonely these days. I wish I had a girlfriend like every other guy I know. When I see
guys my age with their arms around a girl laughing and talking, it just looks so perfect. I’ve
got guys I’m good friends with, but having a girlfriend would really be the best.

Lonely Guy

Dear Lonely Guy,

Most people feel lonely at times, even if they’re in a romantic relationship. Of course, having
someone special to share your life with is a wonderful thing, and part of what a healthy rela-
tionship gives you is a sense of belonging.
It sounds like you already know how to be a good friend, and this is one of the “people
skills” you need to find a girlfriend. But until she comes into your life, don’t worry so much
about the romantic side of your relationship with girls. Instead, find some girls to be friends
with and start enjoying the company of females this way. Friendships are natural and relaxed,
and romances that develop from them have a healthy foundation. Thanks for writing.

In friendship,
Terra

I need a boyfriend!
Send

Hey Terra,
I’m fifteen, and all my friends have had boyfriends nonstop since the sixth grade. But I’ve
never even had one, and it’s driving me crazy! I read a lot of teen magazines, and I know a
lot about hair and makeup and cool clothes. I try to look good, and I think I do, it’s just that

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 What Are Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships All About? 39

no guys seem to notice. I’ve also read a lot about how to “catch” a guy, but nothing I do
seems to work.

Needs a Boyfriend

Dear Needs a Boyfriend,

Right now, it’s harder (but definitely not impossible!) for you to be happy as a single girl when
all your friends have boyfriends. I understand that you want to be like your friends in many
ways and to share their experiences. I would suggest, however, that you don’t spend too
much energy worrying about attracting guys and finding romance. Although the magazines
you’re reading may focus on how to look good and “catch” a guy, there are more important
things to concentrate on—like who you really are and what you want to do with your life.
Take the time to develop your character, your strengths, and your talents. Without your unique
personality, all you become is a face and a body. What’s the point of being a girl who’s part
of a couple if you’re nothing on your own?
I know that finding a boyfriend seems very important right now, but my experience tells
me that things happen when they’re supposed to. Instead of being preoccupied with the
search for love, work on becoming a more complete person. Someone who “needs” to be
part of a couple to be happy may be missing some essential pieces of self, such as self-
esteem, self-respect, self-reliance, and self-confidence. When you develop these qualities,
you’ll have more to offer in a relationship. You’ll also be preparing yourself for being on your
own as an adult.
Widen your circle of friends by finding some single girls and guys to hang out with. And
make sure that when you and your girlfriends are together, you agree not to spend all your
time talking about guys and how to find love. Instead, talk about ways to become stronger,
more independent young women. You’re worth it!

In friendship,
Terra

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40 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

I’ve looked everywhere for a boyfriend

Send

Hey Terra,
Why can’t I find a boyfriend? I’ve looked EVERYWHERE!

Searching

Dear Searching,
Boyfriends aren’t lying around like lost quarters on the sidewalk, waiting for someone to find
them. They’re people living lives, which is exactly what you need to do, too. You’re a valuable,
interesting person—with or without a boyfriend. Relax and stop looking for love.
Once you do, you’ll have extra time and energy, so why not put it to good use? The
world is filled with wonderful things to get involved in: theater, art, sports, community ser-
vice, writing, and more. Find something that interests you, and you’ll meet people. You can
count on it!

In friendship,
Terra

I always like guys I can’t get

Send

Hey Terra,
My problem is this: the guys I always fall in love with are ones I can’t get because they already
have girlfriends or they’re super-popular and out of my league. Why do I keep doing that?
Also, I read a lot of romance novels, and I dream about the guys in the books or about movie
stars. In the dreams, these guys always fall in love with me at first sight and I totally fall in love
with them. I know there’s not much chance that I’ll ever meet Leonardo DiCaprio or Brad Pitt,
so why do I keep dreaming about them?

Silly Tilly

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 What Are Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships All About? 41

Dear Silly Tilly,

Maybe you fall for guys who are attached or otherwise unavailable (like fictional characters
and movie stars) because you’re not ready for a romantic relationship, except inside your head.
By fantasizing the entire relationship, you completely control both sides of it. This isn’t neces-
sarily a bad thing. Many people use fantasies or dreams to understand their emotions and to
practice what they would do in real-life situations.
Another possibility is that you don’t believe that you’re good enough to be in a relation-
ship with the guys you have crushes on. This is a self-esteem issue, and you might want to
talk to a school counselor about it. If you want to work on your self-esteem, consider getting
involved in a sport, a service project, or another challenging activity, which can help you feel
good about yourself and your personal skills. Sports, activities, and hobbies (other than reading
romance novels!) can help you focus less on falling in love and more on making yourself the
best person you can be. Thanks for writing.

In friendship,
Terra

LOVE VS. LUST

What is love? No one has it completely figured out. That feeling we call love
remains magically mysterious because it’s different for everyone. Plus, there are
many kinds of love: love for a parent, a close relative, a best friend, a sports hero
(that’s admiration), a mentor (that’s gratitude), a total stranger in need (that’s
compassion), and so on. Then you have the stuff that poets and songwriters
have tried to describe for centuries: the ever-intoxicating, pump-up-your-heart-
with-“joy juice,” got-to-have-it romantic love. That’s the feeling you get when
you think you’re with “the one.” The one you love may not actually be “the
one,” but you believe he/she is until you discover otherwise.
So when you’ve found that special someone, are you feeling love or is it
simply lust (an intense physical attraction)? Figuring out the difference can be
difficult because intense physical feelings are hard to separate from intense
emotions. Love includes feelings of contentment, affection, attraction, and
belonging, plus a connection with and concern for each other. Mature adult
love may include commitment and a desire to build a lasting partnership and

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42 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

perhaps a family. For teens, love is often about being with someone you’re
attracted to and who understands and appreciates you.
Lust, on the other hand, has to do with sexual drive. At this time in your life,
your body is humming with hormones that come with growing up. These hor-
mones create strong sexual feelings. Sexual feelings lead to sexual thoughts. The
feelings are normal and so are the thoughts (they’re part of being human).
But just because you have sexual thoughts about and feelings toward some-
one doesn’t mean you need to act on them. You can explore the sexual thoughts
through fantasies, writing, music, or art, and you can redirect sexual energy
through sports, exercise, dance, or drama. You can also release sexual feelings
through masturbation, if you feel okay about it. All of these are safe ways to
lessen your sexual drive.
Why lessen it? Because the decision to have sex with someone isn’t a simple
one. Sex means more than doing something just because it “feels good.” It feels
good to take a hot shower after you’ve been out in the cold, or to get a hug from
a friend when you’re feeling down, or to eat ice cream just about anytime. But
unlike these activities, the decision to have sex with someone is complicated,
and a lot of people don’t understand this until it’s too late.
As a teen, you need to have all of the facts before deciding whether sex is
right for you at your age. You may think you’ve got all the facts if you know
about menstruation, ovulation, erection, ejaculation, conception, and pregnancy,
and if you understand how to protect yourself against unwanted pregnancy and
sexually transmitted diseases—including HIV. These are critical facts, and being
ignorant of them can result in life-threatening consequences. If you need to
know more about them, take a look at pages 93–99 in Chapter 4, “Sex, Unhealthy
Romantic Relationships, and Good-byes.” You can also check out the “Where to
Turn” resources on page 100.
But as important as those “facts of life” are, you need to know more. Having
all the facts about sex includes knowing the emotional facts of life. Take a look
at pages 101–105 for lots more information about how having sex changes you,
your feelings, and your relationships. This will help you determine what your
values are when it comes to sex.
In the meantime, remember that while you may have sexual feelings for
someone you love, don’t assume that you “love” everyone you’re sexually
attracted to!

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 What Are Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships All About? 43

Hey Terra,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three weeks. He’s really cute and sweet. He
says he loves me, and he’s ready to have sex with me! No one’s ever told me that before. I like
(not love) him, but I think I may be ready to have sex with him. I’m really curious about what
it will be like. I’ve never even seen a penis before. But there’s a part of me that’s a little bit
scared. What can I do to relax?

Curious

Dear Curious,
If relaxing means ignoring your doubts, don’t relax! I think that curiosity is a very poor reason
to have sex. There’s too much at risk to take it so casually. Your boyfriend may be the cutest,
sweetest guy in the world, but I seriously doubt that he knows you well enough in three weeks
to love you. It sounds like he’s confusing love with lust.
What’s your rush to have sex with him? You say that you don’t love him. Do you want to
do it just because he wants to or because you’re curious? It’s perfectly natural to be curious
about what a penis looks like, but why not just go to the library and check out some human
anatomy books? That way, you can look all you want without risking pregnancy, sexually
transmitted diseases (STDs), and emotional hurt.
Be honest with yourself. If you’re scared about having sex, that’s your inner voice telling
you this isn’t the right thing to do. Listen to it! Too many girls are willing to believe that they’re
ready to have sex because a guy says, “I love you.” You are the only one who knows when
you’re ready. If you have sex with your boyfriend and the relationship ends (as 99.9 percent
of all teen relationships do), you probably won’t feel very good about yourself. Do what’s best
for you. Only you know what that is! Take care.

In friendship,
Terra

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44 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

I feel guilty about what I did

Send

Hey Terra,
There’s this girl I know, and we hang out sometimes after cross-country practice (we’ve got a
coed team). On Friday, she was wearing this really nice top and when we were talking after
practice, she was standing much closer to me than normal. Well, after a while, she asked me
if I wanted to touch her breasts. Of course I wanted to, but it didn’t feel like the right thing
to do. But she kept moving closer and saying stuff like, “What’s the matter, are you afraid?”
So I finally touched her, and she seemed to like it. Then she put her hand on my pants, you
know, down there. I’ll admit, it felt really good, but now I feel so guilty about it that I don’t
know if I should cut practice on Monday or what.

What Did I Do?

Dear What Did I Do,

It sounds like you’re feeling guilty, because your inner voice told you not to do something but
you did it anyway. You may also be a little angry at the girl you touched, because the pressure
she put on you wasn’t fair or respectful. Instead of cutting cross-country to avoid this girl, go
to practice and give it your all. Afterward, talk to the girl about your feelings and let her know
what your boundaries are.
Sexual activities may feel good on a physical level, but if you’re unsure about whether
they’re right for you at this point in your life, you’ll undoubtedly feel some guilt after the fact.
Guilt stays with you longer than even the most pleasant physical sensations. This is why it’s
important to know your values and always listen to what your inner voice is telling you.
I hope this helps!

In friendship,
Terra

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 What Are Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships All About? 45

How can we spend less time having sex?

Send

Hey Terra,
I’m good friends with this guy, and we’re really attracted to each other. Even though I love
him as much more than a friend and we’ve had sex, he’s made it really clear that I’m not the
girl of his dreams. He’s got some fairy-tale ideas about love, and he’s so convinced that love
has to be a certain way that he doesn’t realize how special our relationship is.
Anyway, I’d really like to get to know him better and give him a chance to get to know
me, so he can realize what I already know about our relationship. But the trouble is, when-
ever we’re alone, all either of us ends up wanting to do is have sex. Do you have any ideas
about how we can not do that so much so we can talk?

More Than Just Friends

Dear More Than Just Friends,

You seem to want more of an emotional connection with this guy. When two people haven’t
given themselves the time to get to know each other, sexual activity remains just that—an
“activity.” If you want something different for yourself in this relationship, talk to the guy
about your feelings. This may not be easy. In fact, for lots of people, it’s much easier to have
sex than to talk about deep feelings and what sex actually means in the relationship.
Explain why a relationship based on more than physical attraction and sex is important to
you. If you tell your friend that you want to spend more time together in nonsexual intimacy
but he’s not interested, you may discover that this relationship isn’t meeting your emotional
needs (and decide to end it). Good luck!

In friendship,
Terra

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46 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

Is he up to something?
Send

Hey Terra,
I just met a guy at a party. I’m fourteen, and he’s sixteen. As soon as he saw me, he came over
and started complimenting me on my looks and my clothes, and he said that he thought he
was falling in love with me. Then he asked me if I liked sex. I told him I didn’t know because
I was a virgin. Then he kissed me in a real sexy way, and I couldn’t think straight. Then he
asked me out for this weekend. He said we could go to his friend’s house because that kid’s
parents weren’t going to be home. I haven’t told him yes yet because I’m thinking he might
be too old for me. Do you think he is, and do you think he’s up to something?

Saturday Girl

Dear Saturday Girl,

I’m not as concerned about this guy’s age as I am about his attitude toward girls and his
behavior. You said you couldn’t think straight after he kissed you, which is exactly what he
wanted: a girl who wasn’t thinking straight. This guy seems to be moving way too fast. I think
it would be a mistake for you to go to his friend’s house for several reasons:

1. You don’t know this guy.

2. You have no reason to trust him.
3. He may be more interested in getting physical with you
than getting to know you as a person.
4. Being alone with this guy could be dangerous.

If you’re not convinced, talk to some girls who are no longer virgins and ask them about guys
who only seem to want sex.
Here’s another idea: if you are interested in this guy and you want to get to know him,
invite him to go out with you and a group of friends. Find out if you have anything in com-
mon. If he seems sincere about his feelings for you, spend time getting to know him better.
You’re smart not to rush into sex. Keep listening to your inner voice!

In friendship,
Terra

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 What Are Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships All About? 47

This Web site offers information in English and Spanish on a variety of topics
affecting teens, including food, fitness, drugs and alcohol, sex and relation-
ships, bulllying, homework and a whole lot of other great information you
need for growing up smart, safe and strong.

GETTING NOTICED
Sometimes looking for love isn’t necessary because the person you want has
already been found (she’s in your history class, or he’s your friend’s cousin, for
example). This person has all the qualities you’ve ever dreamed of in a
boyfriend/girlfriend. You know just what you want and where to get it, so every-
thing’s cool, right? Not necessarily.
What if the person you like isn’t aware that you exist? Or what if your
“crush” knows you exist but has never actually said anything to you? What if
you feel too shy or scared to talk to the person? Is there any hope for a rela-
tionship? Of course!
But nothing’s going to happen unless you make it happen. If you want to
change the situation, you’re going to have to take action.
Have you ever noticed that certain people, no matter what they look like,
always seem to get positive attention? Why is that? Probably because of their
self-confidence. They smile, make eye contact, act friendly, and are genuinely
interested in others. This makes other people feel comfortable around them.
If you’re not feeling particularly confident, especially around someone you
have a crush on, it’s going to be harder to get the attention you want. (But not
impossible!) You might have to push yourself out of your usual comfort zone
and take a risk. Maybe the thought of saying hi to the person you like makes

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48 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

your throat dry and your palms sweaty. These reactions are normal when you’re
nervous. So, say hi anyway! Give yourself a chance to get to know the person
you like, and give him/her a chance to get to know you.
Not so long ago, it was unusual for a girl to call up a boy or ask him out
on a date. Guys did all the asking, while girls did all the waiting. Things have
changed (and that’s a good thing!), so girls as well as guys know how scary it
is to make the first move. You can convince yourself that it will be like getting
a tooth pulled without novocaine, or you can take a deep breath (don’t forget
to exhale!) and just walk up to the person and start talking. If you never make
your feelings known, your crush might not notice you, and you might spend
the rest of forever wondering what would have happened if only you’d had the
nerve to say hi.
Look at it this way: you’ve got nothing to lose. If you let fear keep you from
getting to know someone you like, you’ll be left wondering “What if?” But if you
make the effort to reach out to other people, all kinds of wonderful things
might happen!

How can you tell if someone likes you?

Send

Hey Terra,
My friends are always telling me that some girl likes me, but I don’t know how they can tell
when I can’t! Is there a trick to knowing if someone likes you?

Wondering Guy

Dear Wondering Guy,

There are two ways to tell if a girl likes you:

1. Check her body language. Does she smile when you look at her, or does she run away
screaming? (Just kidding!) Does she act friendly or completely uninterested? Does she treat
you differently than other people? Think of the ways you show people that you like them. You
probably act friendly and interested in what they have to say. Does the girl you like act this
way toward you?

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 What Are Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships All About? 49

Of course, some people hide their emotions, and it’s hard to tell what they’re really feel-
ing. If you’re interested in a girl and her behavior doesn’t give you a clue about her feelings,
try option 2.

2. Ask someone who knows the girl (make sure it’s someone you trust) to
find out whether she likes you. If the answer is yes, go talk to her. The conversation
could be the beginning of a relationship.
If the answer is no, you may be disappointed that she doesn’t feel the same way about
you, but at least you’re not left wondering. In these kinds of situations, you always have
a choice. If you’re still interested, you can reach out to this girl in friendship and see what
develops over time. Or you can put your energy into your friends and hobbies. Or you can find
another girl to ask out. This gives you the freedom to get on with your life. Good luck!

In friendship,
Terra

I’m too shy to talk to her!

Send

Hey Terra,
I’m too shy to talk to the girl I have a crush on. I see her on the bus every day, and she’s really
friendly to everyone. It would be so easy to talk to her during the fifteen-minute ride to school,
but I’m way too shy! What should I do so she’ll notice that I’m interested?

Stressed

Dear Stressed,
You didn’t mention whether shyness is a problem you have when talking to people in general
or just this girl. If you’re only shy with her, you’re probably worried about making a good
impression. Try a relaxation exercise, where you tense all your muscles while taking a slow,
deep breath. Then relax your muscles as you breathe out slowly. Repeat this a few times.
Next, picture yourself approaching the girl you like and saying hi. Imagine her respond-
ing positively. You could even have an imaginary conversation with her when you’re alone in

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50 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

your room. Don’t plan every word you’ll say. (When you really talk to her, you don’t want to
sound like you’ve memorized a script!) It’s fine to think about an opening topic of conversa-
tion, such as a teacher, a class, or an activity you have in common.
Once you can comfortably talk to her in your imagination, start a conversation in real life.
Sometimes getting over that first hello makes things a lot easier. Besides, if she’s friendly, you
won’t have to do all the talking, and by listening, you’ll get to know her better. Best of luck!

In friendship,
Terra

My dream guy already has a girlfriend!

Send

Hey Terra,
I have definitely found my dream guy, but he’s already got a girlfriend, so what should I do?
It doesn’t look like he’s going to notice me or break up with his girlfriend anytime soon.
They’ve been together for the whole six months I’ve loved him. Should I just be patient and
wait for him to realize I’m the love of his life, or should I give up?

Really

Dear Really,
If you’ve waited six months for him to notice you, I’d say it’s time to move on. Besides, it
sounds like this guy cares a lot about the girl he’s already with, which could explain why he
has eyes only for her. A guy who’s involved with someone else is unavailable in my opinion,
so my best advice is to forget about him. The right dream guy will be as interested in you as
you are in him—that’s how you’ll recognize him. And he’ll be worth the wait! Take care.

In friendship,
Terra

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 What Are Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships All About? 51

ASKING SOMEONE OUT

Suppose you’ve found the courage to start a conversation with someone you
like, and the two of you have become friends. Maybe now you like this person
even more than before. What’s your next move? You can ask him/her out.
Before you do this, be clear in your mind about what “going out” means.
People in various parts of the country (and the world) have different words to
describe phases of dating and relationships, but the explanations are essentially
the same. Depending on where you live, asking someone to “go out” could
mean (1) you like each other and you may or may not be willing to let other
people know it, (2) you hang out together at lunch and in between classes,
exchange notes, talk to each other on the phone, and send email, (3) you go
places together as a couple within a larger group of friends, or (4) you go places
as a couple, just the two of you—also called “dating.” Some teens may “go out
with” (or “go with”) someone for only a few days, or hours, before the rela-
tionship ends.
Asking the person you like out on a real date involves more of an emo-
tional risk. Planning the date is part of getting to know each other better, and
the date itself is a way to find out whether you enjoy spending time together
outside of school. In the planning stages, you have to decide whether to go to
a movie or some other place, and you might have to get parental permission.
You also need to decide on transportation and who pays for what. In other
words, going on a real date takes more planning than simply writing notes or
hanging out at school.
Going on a date with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in a roman-
tic relationship. Lots of people go on one date and choose not to go out
together again, for whatever reason. To confuse matters, just because you’re dat-
ing someone doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t also be dating other people.
The important thing to remember is to keep the lines of communication open.
Without making agreements about the relationship (for example, is it all right
to see other people?), misunderstandings happen and feelings get hurt.
When two people have an agreement that neither of them will date anyone
else, it’s considered to be an exclusive relationship. In this type of relationship,
the couple might go out on dates or just spend time together. Again, the ground
rules for flirting or being sexual with someone outside of the relationship must
be agreed upon ahead of time, so there’s no confusion. If you’re not ready for a

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52 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

serious relationship, consider dating casually, which means going on dates with
people you’re interested in but not committing to an exclusive relationship yet.
It can be scary to ask someone for a date, no doubt about that. Obviously,
you want the person to say yes—but what if the answer’s no? Will your feelings
be hurt? Probably a little. Will you survive? Absolutely. Keep one thing in mind,
and you’ll get over the disappointment much faster: Don’t waste time longing for
people who don’t want to be in a relationship with you. The best boyfriends/girlfriends
are the ones who like you as much as you like them. Forget about the rest.
Dating offers no guarantees, but you can take steps to make the asking-
out process a little easier. Here are a few tips that may help you get the answer
you want:

1. Ask someone you know. It’s less stressful to ask out someone you know,
rather than a stranger. If you ask someone you don’t know to go out with you,
the odds of getting a yes are less than if you ask a person who already knows
and likes you. Also, if you don’t know the person you’re going out on a date
with, you might quickly discover that you don’t really have much in common
or enjoy spending time together. Then you’re on a date that can feel awkward
and verrrrry long.

2. Get friendly with the person first. There’s nothing wrong with being
attracted to someone you don’t know, but just because the person you like is
“hot” doesn’t automatically mean that he/she would make a fun date or a great
bf/gf. Take the time to get to know a person before you ask him/her out. (This
gives the other person a chance to get to know and feel comfortable with you,
too.) Once the two of you become friendly, or even close friends, you can
decide whether you’re interested in moving into the bf/gf zone. Remember,
people who know and like each other as friends first stand a better chance of
having a healthy romantic relationship than people who don’t know each
other at all.

3. Take a deep breath and go for it. You can never win if you’re not will-
ing to play the game. Dating is fun (it’s definitely a learning experience), and
it’s a great opportunity to get out in the world and discover what’s important to
you in a relationship. So take the plunge and ask the big question, “Will you go
out with me?”

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 What Are Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships All About? 53

I don’t have the guts to ask a girl out

Send

Hey Terra,
I really wish I had a girlfriend, but I’ve never had the guts to ask a girl out on a date. I’m start-
ing to think I never will, and it’s making me kind of depressed.

Scared

Dear Scared,
You don’t say how old you are, and that makes a big difference in the advice I’d give. For
example, a fourteen-year-old who’s too shy to ask someone out may not have a problem at
all; a twenty-year-old in the same situation might.
I agree that it takes guts to ask a girl out. After all, she might say no, and in some ways,
it can even be scary if she says yes! Still, you have to be ready to take the risk if you really want
to date. You might not be ready to do this, and that’s just fine. Some people are ready to date
a lot earlier than others, and you have to decide what’s right for you. To make things easier,
I’d suggest you go out with a group of girls and guys who are friends, so there’s less pressure.
Relax and enjoy yourself. If you get to know girls as people—as friends—it will be easier to
move forward from there. Take care.

In friendship,
Terra

What if she laughs at me?

Send

Hey Terra,
I’m in love for the first time, but I’m so afraid that if I tell my girlfriend how deep my feelings
are, she’ll laugh (or worse) and I’ll be shattered forever.

Fearful

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54 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

Dear Fearful,
Sometimes, the fear of rejection is a lot scarier than rejection itself. What you need is the help
of a trusted friend and a little time to practice saying the words you want to say, so you can
build up your confidence.
Pretend that your friend is the girl you love. This will probably make both of you laugh,
which will help loosen you up. Imagine lots of different ways to tell her how you feel. Be
creative and have fun! (This kind of exercise is called role-playing, and it’s a useful way to safely
practice real-life situations that are difficult for you. Actors use a similar technique to help them
get better at improvisation, a kind of spontaneous acting done without a script.)
Have your friend come up with a wide range of responses—everything from, “Get out of
my face,” to “I’ve been waiting for months to hear those words from you!” After you do this
exercise a few times, you’ll feel more confident about actually telling the girl how you feel.
I hope you get the reaction you’re looking for. Good luck!

In friendship,
Terra

Hey Terra,
I’ve had a crush on a girl for about two months, only I haven’t had the nerve to ask her out
yet. I wrote her three letters, but I still haven’t heard from her. What should I do to find out if
she likes me? How can I get her to go out with me?

Desperate

Dear Desperate,
Did you mail the three letters? If she got your letters and didn’t respond, that’s a sign that she’s
not interested in you romantically. If you still want to pursue her, I suggest you do something
really brave: call her up and ask her out on a date. What’s the worst that could happen?

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 What Are Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships All About? 55

If she turns you down, she turns you down. It might hurt, but at least you won’t have to
spend any more time wondering how she feels. Then again, maybe she’ll say yes! I wish you
luck!

In friendship,
Terra

I’ve been crazy about this guy for a while. I’ve even told him how I feel, but he says he only
likes me as a friend. I like him so much more than that. What can I do to get him to change
his mind?

Love Struck

Dear Love Struck,

It sounds like you’ve already done what you can do. You’ve told this guy how you feel, and
he’s told you the kind of relationship he wants with you for now. I know that it hurts to get
rejected, especially when your feelings for someone are strong. Is there anyone you can talk
to about this? Do you have ways to make yourself feel better? Get some exercise, spend time
with friends, or focus on school and after-school activities. Maybe, in time, this guy’s feelings
for you will change, but it’s best not to sit around waiting for that to happen. You’ve got better
things to do with your time!

In friendship,
Terra

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56 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

What do girls REALLY want?

Send

Hey Terra,
I think about sex all the time, though I haven’t had a girlfriend yet. Tell me, is it true that girls
say they don’t like guys to hit on them but they really do? I need to know this for the future
because the girl of my dreams just moved into my neighborhood. I haven’t talked to her yet,
but I plan to ask her out!

Romeo to Be

Dear Romeo to Be,

I’m not sure whether you’re talking about “hitting on” as in flirting or pressuring a girl for sex.
It’s risky to make a generalization about whether girls enjoy it when guys flirt a lot (some do,
some don’t). But if you want to know if girls like being pressured into things, the answer is a
definite NO. Some guys think girls say no to play hard to get. This isn’t true, so don’t believe
it. No means no.
So, “the girl of your dreams” is moving into your neighborhood? Cool! I often hear from
teens who want to know how to make the big romantic step when they’ve never even had a
conversation with the guy/girl of their dreams. I suggest that you take it slow and get to know
this girl before you start planning your first kiss. Since she’s new in town, she’ll probably be
glad to meet you, but you need to know her as a real person not a dream girl. Talk to her,
spend time together, and see if you enjoy being around each other.
As for your sexual fantasies, they’re normal, but just make sure that you keep them in
your head, instead of acting them out on girls you don’t know. A good boyfriend is someone
who cares about and respects his girlfriend’s wants and needs. Take care.

In friendship,
Terra

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 What Are Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships All About? 57

WHAT MAKES A ''GOOD''

BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND?
Suppose you have all the close friends you need at the moment, but a part of you
is still looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend. If you’re searching for the “perfect”
guy/girl, it’s time for a reality check. No matter how great someone looks,
sounds, and acts, no one is perfect. Movies, television, magazines, and romance
novels may lead you to believe otherwise, but it’s all just hype.
Here’s the truth: there may be someone who’s right for you, but this person
may not at all resemble your mental image of your dream guy/girl. That’s why
it’s important to determine what you’re really looking for in a relationship.
What makes someone a good match for you? To increase your chances of rec-
ognizing the right person when you meet, you have to know what you really
want and need.
To find out what’s important to you, create a “What Matters Most” list. It
will help you sort out what you want in a bf/gf. Don’t focus too much on
appearance when you’re making this list. Instead, think about personal quali-
ties or strengths you admire in people. Once you have a clearer image of the
characteristics you’re looking for, it’s easier to recognize a potential match.
Plus, you’ll be more likely to avoid relationships that have little chance of
working out.

What Matters Most

Ten steps to finding what you want in a boyfriend/girlfriend

1. Get a pencil and some paper. You’re going to make a couple of lists, and
writing things down (not just keeping them in your head) makes this exercise
more effective.

2. Fold the paper in half lengthwise. You’ll now have room for two long
columns.

3. At the top of the left-hand column, write this heading: “I want a

boyfriend who . . .” or “I want a girlfriend who . . .”

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58 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

4. At the top of the right-hand column, write this heading: “I don’t want
a boyfriend who . . .” or “I don’t want a girlfriend who . . .”

5. Make the lists. Write down any qualities you’re looking for in a bf/gf. You
can write about personality traits, values, looks, or anything else. This list can
be totally private, so don’t hold back! The more detailed you make it, the better.
You might be really surprised by some of your answers. Don’t censor yourself;
just write down anything, even if some items contradict others. There are no
wrong answers here—whatever is true for you is the right answer. Besides, no
one else will ever see this list, unless you choose to share it.

6. Keep brainstorming. Make the lists as long and as specific as you can,
until you finally run out of ideas. After a while, your list might look like this:

I WANT A GIRLFRIEND I DON’T WANT A

WHO . . . GIRLFRIEND WHO . . .
- is available and wants a - has a bad temper
relationship with me - is into drugs or alcohol
- is intelligent - acts jealous
- has a good sense of humor - is conceited
- is friendly - is a total slob
- cares about her looks but
doesn’t obsess over them

7. Turn all of the negatives into positives. Look at your “don’ts” list and
start changing the statements to positive “do’s.” This encourages you to focus
on what you want, not on what you don’t want. For example, you might change
“I don’t want a boyfriend who’s possessive” to “I want a boyfriend who trusts
me.” After you’ve done this, cross out the negative statements. Transfer all your
new “do’s” to your left-hand column.

8. Get more specific. Review your list to see if any of your wants are vague.
If you wrote, “I want a girlfriend who’s nice,” you’re not being specific. What
exactly does “nice” mean to you? (Your girlfriend calls you every night? Never
breaks dates? Gives you gifts on special occasions?) Be specific if you want
results; otherwise it’s kind of like walking into a clothing store and telling the
salesperson, “I want a shirt.” Elaborate on your needs and then cross out the
vague statements.

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 What Are Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships All About? 59

9. Prioritize the items on your list. Everything on your list isn’t equally
important. Some items rate as “This is a must!” Others are in the “Would be
good but not essential” category. For example, if you’d like your bf/gf to be ath-
letic (because you are and you want to share that), mark that item “This is a
must!” If you think it would be cool to be involved with someone who’s into
the same music as you are, mark that item “Would be good but not essential.”
After you’ve prioritized your items, get a clean sheet of paper and make two new
columns: one for “This is a must!” and the other for “Would be good but not
essential.” And while you’re at it, number the items in order of importance.
Mark what really matters most to you number 1. The next item of importance is
ranked number 2. You get the idea.

10. Review your list. Look it over carefully. Does your list describe anybody
you already know?

Before you go out into the world to find a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve got
one more list to make. This one is called the “What I Have to Offer” list. Finding
a good match involves not only knowing what you want but also what you
bring to the relationship.

What I Have to Offer

Seven steps to being the other half of a great couple

1. Get a pencil and some paper.

2. Fold it in half lengthwise. You’ll now have room for two columns.

3. At the top of the left-hand column, write this heading: “My strengths
are . . .”

4. At the top of the right-hand column, write this heading: “My weak-
nesses are . . .”

5. Make the lists. Write your answers on both halves of the paper. Be totally
honest because no one will see this but you, unless you want them to.

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60 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

6. Keep brainstorming. Make the columns as long and as specific as you can,
until you finally run out of ideas. After a while, your lists might look like this:

MY STRENGTHS ARE . . . MY WEAKNESSES ARE . . .

-I’m affectionate -I’m sometimes disorganized
-I’m cheerful -I’m stubborn
-I’m smart -I can be too sensitive
-I give good advice -I get jealous
-I have good judgment -I’m late a lot

7. Review your lists. Have you written all the strengths you can think of?
Have you been too hard on yourself in terms of your weaknesses? Adjust your
lists, if needed.

If you’ve completed both the “What Matters Most” and the “What I Have to
Offer” lists, you’ve raised your level of awareness about what you’re looking for
in a bf/gf and what you have to offer in a relationship. That’s a great start!
Defining what you’re looking for doesn’t guarantee that you’ll find a good
match right away, but it does take you one step closer. And being clear about
what you want and what you have to offer makes it much easier to envision a
future relationship, which in turn helps you make things happen.
Remember, it’s smart to stay open to opportunities that come your way. As
you get to know someone new, do a quick mental comparison with your list.
Do you see any possibilities for a match? When you’re aware of what you’re
looking for, you may suddenly meet lots of people who could be a good
boyfriend/girlfriend for you. Does this mean there’s some cosmic force at work?
Well, it’s more likely that you just have a more open mind. Maybe your lists
helped you see that looks are much less important than the way a person treats
you, for example. You might even start seeing people you already know in a
whole new light!
Keep your lists handy and review them often. Feel free to make changes,
too. Cross out or renumber items whenever you want and add new items as
they come to you. If you find someone who has some of the important quali-
ties on your list, get to know this person. But remember that no one’s perfect.
The best thing two people can do for each other is to acknowledge their
strengths and help each other work on their weaknesses. This is how people,
and relationships, grow.

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 What Are Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships All About? 61

I’m having trouble finding my type

Send
Hey Terra,
I know exactly what my type is. She’s 5 feet, 8 inches, she weighs 120 pounds, and she
has long blond hair and great legs. I know we could be so happy. The problem is, I’m having
trouble finding her.

Help!

Dear Help,
Are you saying that if you met a great girl who was petite and had brown hair, you wouldn’t
go out with her because she isn’t your type?! By defining your type only in physical terms,
you’re totally limiting your options. You might overlook a potential girlfriend just because she
doesn’t fit your dream profile.
Put your ideas of beauty aside for a moment and make a list of what you’re looking for
in a relationship—without listing physical attributes. Focus on qualities you admire in people,
such as being affectionate or trustworthy, or having a good sense of humor—whatever’s
important to you. After you make your list, start looking for girls who have some of these
qualities. You might find yourself falling in love with someone who doesn’t resemble what you
thought your type was. Life can be full of all kinds of pleasant surprises! Thanks for writing.

In friendship,
Terra

Am I too picky?
Send
Hey Terra,
I have very high standards when it comes to the guys I go out with, but lately, I haven’t had
much luck meeting the kind of guys I’m interested in. My mom says that I shouldn’t be so
picky because “nobody’s perfect.” What do you think?

Where Is Love?

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62 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

Dear Where Is Love,

I agree: nobody’s perfect. But happiness doesn’t come from lowering your standards. It’s okay
to be “picky” because you are the one who needs to be comfortable with your choice. If
you’re clear about which qualities matter to you, stick with them.
On the other hand, you might ask yourself if you’re focusing more on looks than char-
acter traits. Are you having trouble meeting guys because you only want ones who fit very
narrow standards of “good-looking”? Is there a chance that you keep changing your stan-
dards every time a new guy pays attention to you? If this is the case, your inner voice may be
telling you you’re not ready to have a boyfriend. Spend time thinking about what you really
need. I wish you the best.

In friendship,
Terra

What makes a great girlfriend anyway?

’ Send

Hey Terra,
I look at the girls my friends go out with, and the guys say these girls are “great,” but I don’t
see what’s so great about them. They talk too much, and they’re always complaining if my
friends don’t call them all the time and take them out every weekend. And these girls get
really jealous when the guys talk to any other girl, even if it’s just to say hi or to ask about
homework. So, what makes a great girlfriend, anyway?

Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering,

Each person has his/her own ideas about what makes another person “great.” Maybe this is
why the girls your friends think are cool don’t really appeal to you. Ultimately, you are the only
person who knows what matters most to you.
Think about the girls you’ve been attracted to. Are they at all similar? Do they share cer-
tain qualities or personality traits? Now think about your friends and what you like about

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 What Are Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships All About? 63

them. Do you share common interests? Do they like you for who you are? You’ll probably real-
ize that the qualities you admire in your friends are some of the very same qualities you’re
looking for in a girlfriend. The more aware you are of what you want, the more likely you’ll
be to get what you need from a relationship—and to give something in return. Take care.

In friendship,
Terra

Where can I find a boyfriend

who will stay?
Send
Hey Terra,
My problem isn’t meeting guys or getting them to like me. It’s finding one who will stick
around for more than three weeks (that’s my record for boyfriends). It’s like I fall in love, every-
thing’s going great, and then the next thing I know it’s over, and I don’t even know what
went wrong! I wish I had a boyfriend who would stay with me!

Stumped

Dear Stumped,
The most successful relationships include open communication about what matters most to
the people involved (especially in the early stages of the relationship). If you talk openly from
day one, you’re more likely to handle problems as they come up, instead of realizing that
something must have gone wrong after the relationship ends.
Loving involves learning. But if you don’t get feedback, you’ll never know what you’ve
done to contribute to a breakup. The next time you’re interested in a guy who likes you, talk
honestly with him and see if he has the same values when it comes to communication. If he
doesn’t, you’ll know right away that he isn’t the guy for you. Good luck!

In friendship,
Terra

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64 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

How come some girls like guys

who treat them badly?
Send

Hey Terra,
I’m a smart guy and a good musician. I’m also good-hearted and not at all bad looking. My
problem is that the girls in my school seem to only be into going out with guys who treat them
like total “crap.” Is my problem that I respect women too much?

What’s Up?

Dear What’s Up,

You don’t have a problem, but the girls you’ve been observing do (and that goes for their
boyfriends, too)! Any girl who’s attracted to a guy who treats her badly probably has low self-
esteem. My guess is that this isn’t the kind of girl you’re looking for. Keep on treating girls
with respect, which means as your equal. Someday, the kind of girl you’re looking for will
come into your life and appreciate what a great guy you are! I wish you well.

In friendship,
Terra

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 hen you’re ready to venture into the boyfriend/girlfriend zone, the world
W becomes a place filled with romantic possibilities: “Did you see the way
she looked at me?” “I wonder if he likes me.” “Will anyone ever ask me out?”
“Will this relationship last?” Your love interests may shift from day to day like
changing kaleidoscope patterns. And once you’re in a romantic relationship,
you may have all sorts of new emotions—and questions! One of the main ones
will probably be, “How do we make this relationship work?”

BUILDING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

A healthy romantic relationship includes lots of elements, but here are the basic
ones: honesty, respect, trust, and open communication. They’re not listed in order
of importance—they’re all equally important. If you have all four ingredients,
a relationship can grow in healthy ways. (By the way, these ingredients are nec-
essary for all healthy relationships, including the ones you have with your

65
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66 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

friends, parents, teachers, and other people in your life. But for now, we’re talk-
ing about boyfriends/girlfriends.)
What do healthy romantic relationships look like? Truthfully, they’re not
easy for outsiders to recognize. If you’re on the outside looking in, you could be
fooled by what you see. Some couples always act lovey-dovey around other
people, but they may not be so loving when they’re alone. Other couples are shy
and don’t reveal much about what’s going on in their relationship. And still
other couples, for whatever reason, act as if they don’t care about (or even like)
each other at all! This is why romantic relationships are such a mystery.
To find out if your relationship is healthy, be aware of how you and your
bf/gf treat each other. Is there honesty, respect, trust, and open communication?
Are these elements always there, or there most of the time, or never there at all?
How do you feel when you’re with your bf/gf? Happy? Proud? Safe? Or are you
nervous about saying or doing the “wrong” thing? Do you talk openly about
what’s on your mind, or do you keep lots of secrets from each other? Under-
standing what a healthy relationship is can help you “fix” yours when it heads
in an unhealthy direction.

Honesty
Honesty is the freedom to be who you are, without pretending. It means you
speak from the heart and openly share your feelings and opinions. You’re in an
honest relationship when both of you can be “real” with each other when
you’re feeling happy or down, and whether you’re alone or with others. In such
a relationship, neither person wonders if the other is telling the truth, because
it’s always the truth.

Joe has a girlfriend, but last weekend he met another

girl at the community center. The girl liked him right
away and offered to give him her phone number. Joe
liked her, too, but he told her that he already had a
girlfriend and didn’t take the phone number.

Does Joe’s relationship have honesty? Yes. He was honest with the girl who
wanted to give him her phone number, and more important, he was true to his
girlfriend.

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 Making Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships Work 67

Alisha told her boyfriend that she couldn’t go to the dance

because her parents were going out for a romantic
dinner, and she had to baby-sit. She knew that her
parents were really going to see a divorce lawyer.

Does Alisha’s relationship have honesty? No. She doesn’t feel comfortable
telling the truth about her family problems. Instead of sharing what’s going on,
she keeps her boyfriend in the dark about something that’s really bothering her.

Telling lies is dishonest. People lie for lots of different reasons, such as:

• They want to protect themselves or hide something they’ve done.

(“I didn’t do it!”)
• They want to protect someone’s feelings. (“Your haircut looks great,
so stop worrying about it.”)
• They’re trying to get what they want. (“I’m sixteen. Really!”)
• They don’t trust someone enough to tell the truth. (“I just don’t
feel like going, that’s all.”)

Some people think that lying solves problems, but it usually creates many
more. Lying to your boyfriend/girlfriend puts distance between you, because
when you lie, you then need to make sure that he/she doesn’t find out the truth.
And covering up your lies takes away from time the two of you could spend
together being genuine. If you’ve ever been dishonest, you probably know that
lying doesn’t help a relationship. Instead, lying often causes confusion, guilt,
and pain. Some people believe “a little deception” is good for a relationship.
They’re wrong!
To have a healthy relationship, you need to be honest with yourself and
with the other person. If you do things you aren’t comfortable discussing, the
solution isn’t to lie. Start listening to your inner voice (see pages 6–10 for how
to do this), which helps you figure out the right choices to make. The more
comfortable you are telling the truth, the more often you can do it!

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I gave a necklace to a girl I used to go out with. She never wore it, and when we broke up,
she gave it back to me. I have a new girlfriend now, and it was our one-month anniversary.
I gave her the necklace. A friend of mine saw her wear it and said, “Isn’t that the necklace
you gave ‘T’?” I quickly said, “No!” and tried to change the subject. My girlfriend wears the
necklace all the time, so now I’m afraid my ex (who has a big mouth) is going to say some-
thing about it to her. Help, please!

In Big Trouble

Dear In Big Trouble,

I would suggest telling your girlfriend the truth before she finds out from your ex or someone
else. You might say, “What I told you before about the necklace wasn’t the truth. It is the
same one I gave to ‘T,’ but she never wore it. It makes me happy to see you wearing it. It looks
really nice on you, and I’m glad you like it. I’m very sorry that I lied to you, and I promise not
to do it again.”
My guess is that your girlfriend will appreciate your honesty and your promise to be truth-
ful, so I don’t think you’ll be in too much trouble. Just make sure that you stick to the truth
from now on! Good luck!

In friendship,
Terra

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 Making Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships Work 69

Hey Terra,
My dad is black, and my mom is white. I’m pretty light skinned and, at first, people who
don’t know me think I’m from another country. My parents love each other a lot, and they’ve
always taught me and my sister that race doesn’t matter as much as the kind of person you
are. We recently moved, and my new school has very few black students. My new boyfriend
is white, and he thinks I’m Iranian because that’s what I told him. He’ll probably never meet
my parents, so there’s no harm in that, is there?

Just Checking

Dear Just Checking,

I understand that you lied because you were afraid of rejection. Maybe you’re thinking that
your boyfriend wouldn’t feel the same way about you if he found out you’re biracial. But a
romantic relationship (or any relationship for that matter) needs honesty. Tell your boyfriend
the truth.
Your parents are right: a person’s character is more important than skin color. Anyone
worth calling a “friend” or “boyfriend/girlfriend” will accept you for you. If your race is hard
for your boyfriend to accept, he’s not the right guy for you.
Be proud of your parents and the fact that you’re a part of each of them. Take care.

In friendship,
Terra

Cheating (dishonesty)
The most extreme form of dishonesty in a romantic relationship is cheating
on each other. What you and your bf/gf consider cheating depends on the
agreements you’ve made together. For example, if you’ve agreed not to date any-
one else and one of you does, that’s cheating. If you’ve agreed not to flirt with

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70 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

anyone else and one of you does, that’s cheating. Being dishonest in this way
shows a lack of respect for your romantic partner and the relationship, too. And
doing something you know is wrong can make you lose respect for yourself.
If either person in a romantic relationship is unfaithful to the other, it’s
going to create problems. So why do people cheat, especially when it can be so
hurtful to the person they care about? People cheat for lots of reasons, but
mostly because they don’t have the maturity or integrity to do the right thing in
spite of what they’re feeling, physically and emotionally.
The world is filled with attractive people, and there’s nothing wrong with
noticing them. Sometimes it’s confusing when you feel turned on by someone
who you aren’t dating. Does it mean you don’t like or love your bf/gf anymore?
Not necessarily. Just because you feel attracted to someone else doesn’t mean
you have to do anything about it. (Review the differences between feelings of
love and lust on pages 41–47.)
If you’ve never cheated before but you’re considering it, stop and ask your-
self these questions:

• Am I happy in my current relationship? Why or why not?

• If I cheat, how will my boyfriend/girlfriend feel when he/she finds out?
• If I’m unfaithful, how will I feel about myself?
• How would I feel if someone did this to me?
• How will other people feel about me if they find out I cheated?
• Do I want to be known as a cheater?

If you have broken your agreements by seeing other people and you want to
save the relationship, ask yourself these questions:

• Why did I betray my boyfriend/girlfriend? Maybe you’re not sure why

you did it, but if you look deeply enough, you can find the reason. Were you
trying to get back at your bf/gf for some past hurt? Were you proving to your-
self that you’re attractive to other people? Were you under the influence of alco-
hol or another drug at the time? Think about the reasons behind your choice.

• Did I cheat to get out of my relationship? Sometimes, without really

understanding why, people sabotage or wreck their relationships. Cheating as a
“shortcut” to breaking up isn’t honest, and hurting your bf/gf is never a solu-
tion. Instead, talk about your feelings, even if it feels uncomfortable to do so.

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 Making Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships Work 71

• What did I feel when I was with the other person that I don’t feel
with my boyfriend/girlfriend? Sometimes there’s something important
missing in a relationship. If you know what it is but you don’t talk to your bf/gf
about it, you’ll probably end up going outside of the relationship to find it.
That’s not honest or respectful. Take your concerns about the relationship
directly to the person involved and try to resolve the issues that are troubling
you. That’s how relationships grow.

• How will I make up for the hurt I’ve caused? To repair the broken trust
in your relationship, apologize and promise that you won’t cheat anymore. If
your bf/gf decides to trust you, make sure that you don’t betray that trust again.

If cheating caused your relationship to end, forgive yourself. From now on,
think more carefully about your decisions, and use this experience as an oppor-
tunity to understand yourself and all your relationships a little better. Don’t give
up on yourself!

Why do I keep cheating

on my girlfriend?
Send
Hey Terra,
I have a great girlfriend, but I cheat on her a lot. I don’t know why I keep hurting her like this.
Do you have any ideas?

Feeling Bad

Dear Feeling Bad,

You’re already aware of how hurtful and dishonest your behavior is, and that’s the first step.
Now you need to understand why you continue to cheat. What message are you sending your
girlfriend by cheating? Can you tell her in words, instead of through negative actions, what’s
on your mind? You may need help figuring out why you’ve repeatedly betrayed your girl-
friend. Talk to your school counselor or another adult you respect and trust.

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72 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

Until you know what’s really going on, it may be best to end this relationship, rather than
keep hurting your girlfriend. She doesn’t deserve this treatment (no one does). Promise your-
self that you’ll only get involved with someone when you’re ready to have a relationship based
on honesty, respect, trust, and open communication. I wish you well.

In friendship,
Terra

Is he cheating or not?
Send

Hey Terra,
My boyfriend used to be so in love with me, and I felt the same way. I still love him as much
(maybe more), but he’s really changed. He never seems to want to spend time with me, and
when I call him, he’s never there. Then when I ask him where he was, he gets all mad. I’m
careful not to push him because I don’t want him to break up with me. Yesterday, his friend
asked me if I’d break up with my boyfriend if I found out he was cheating on me. I didn’t
answer, but it sure made me wonder why he asked me that. What should I do?

Confused

Dear Confused,
If it looks like cheating and smells like cheating, it probably is cheating. That might explain
your boyfriend’s behavior. If he feels guilty about the betrayal, he may be putting distance
between you (because it’s easier than telling you the truth).
When you say you’re careful not to push him, do you mean that you don’t ask him what’s
going on? He needs to know how you feel about the way he’s been treating you. I hope that
you can share your feelings honestly. If not, this relationship isn’t healthy. You deserve better,
and you deserve the truth!

In friendship,
Terra

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 Making Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships Work 73

I cheated on my jealous boyfriend

Send

Hey Terra,
My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months. He’s very jealous and accuses me
of cheating on him all the time, which I’d never done until last weekend. At a camp reunion,
I was with a guy who I was just friends with over the summer. We ended up having sex, and
now I feel guilty. The thing is, I don’t even really care about the guy I slept with, though he
likes me a lot. I think that if my boyfriend wasn’t always accusing me of cheating, I probably
wouldn’t have done it. What now?

Uh-oh

Dear Uh-oh,
Sounds like you’re making excuses for your behavior. Your boyfriend may act jealous, but this
doesn’t give you the right to cheat on him. Own up to the fact that you chose to be disloyal,
and then figure out why you did it. Once you know, you can start repairing the damage.
Your boyfriend’s jealousy may be a sign that he’s insecure and controlling. Is it possible
that you cheated to get out of the relationship? Next time, be honest with someone you’re in
a relationship with and be true to yourself.
And what about the guy you had sex with? Take some time to think about his feelings.
Does he think you two are a couple now? I hope you’ll take a hard look at the situation and
do what you can to fix it. Have courage and tell the guy you had sex with that you made a
mistake.
The good news is that every experience can be a learning opportunity. Take what you
learned from this difficult situation and use it to make honest and honorable choices in the
future. Good luck!

In friendship,
Terra

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74 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

Respect
Some people think that they should only respect someone who has a “higher
status” than they do. It’s true that people in positions of authority often com-
mand great respect. (To find out more about authority figures and how you can
improve your relationships with them, read Chapter 8, “Dealing with Authority
Figures.”) While it’s an excellent idea to treat authority figures with respect, real
respect has nothing to do with one person being above someone else. In fact,
in the healthiest relationships, both people feel equal and treat each other
respectfully.
To respect someone means you value that person. Maybe you value the
person for his/her personality, character traits, or other qualities. Or maybe it’s
because of a certain choice the person has made or the way he/she treats others.
When you respect someone, you treat that person in the same way you would
like to be treated—with kindness, honesty, and consideration.

Brad and his girlfriend, Carla, are talking with some

friends about a movie they’ve just seen. Brad thinks the
starring actress was “hot,” and Carla says the actress
had an “awful voice.” Brad laughs and announces, “You
should talk! You can’t sing to save your life.”

Was Brad showing respect for Carla? Not at all. When Brad made fun of
Carla’s voice, he embarrassed her in front of her friends. When someone treats
you with respect, that person doesn’t put you down publicly or privately.

Danielle just found out that her favorite aunt is a les-

bian. She tells her boyfriend, LeRoy, how confused she
is but asks him not to tell anyone else about the situ-
ation. Later, a friend asks LeRoy what’s going on with
Danielle. He replies, “She doesn’t want to talk about it,
so give her a chance to work it out on her own. If she wants to talk, we’ll
be there for her.”

Did LeRoy show respect for Danielle? Absolutely. He didn’t tell anyone
about the situation, at her request. He respected her need for privacy, under-
standing that she preferred to be alone with her thoughts and feelings.

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 Making Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships Work 75

In relationships that lack respect, one person may feel in control of the
other (and may even think that he/she has the “right” to put down, insult, or
embarrass the other person). A serious lack of respect in a relationship can
lead to verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. For more information
about the warning signs of an abusive relationship, see pages 106–113. For
now, remember that you have every right to be treated with consideration. It’s
better to be single than to be in a relationship in which you’re not being
treated with respect.

My boyfriend calls me names

Send

Hey Terra,
My boyfriend and I get along well, except when we’re around his friends. That’s the only time
he’s really rude to me, calling me names like “Chunk” and “Dumbo.” I’ve told him I don’t
appreciate it, and he says he’s just joking and that I’m too sensitive. Am I?

Not Laughing

Dear Not Laughing,

What your boyfriend is doing isn’t funny, so don’t accept his excuse that it’s only a “joke.”
Because he acts this way when his friends are around, he probably thinks his behavior makes
him look cooler in their eyes. All it really does is make him look like he doesn’t know how to
treat a girlfriend with respect!
Tell him that you won’t put up with his name-calling anymore (joke or no joke). To make
sure he gets the message this time, you might say, “If you can’t treat me with respect when
your friends are around, I don’t want to continue this relationship.” If things don’t improve,
keep your promise and break up with him. You’re better off without someone who brings you
down. I wish you well.

In friendship,
Terra

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76 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

My girlfriend is always late

Send

Hey Terra,
This may not seem like a major problem compared to some letters you get, but my girlfriend
always keeps me waiting whenever I pick her up to go somewhere, and it bothers me. I’m not
just talking about a minute or two, but more like twenty or thirty minutes, every single time.
Because of that, we always miss the beginning of movies. I really love everything else about
her, and I don’t want to break up with her, but I have to admit that when I’m sitting on the
couch waiting, I get annoyed. What can I do to make her be ready on time?

Always Waiting

Dear Always Waiting,

If you haven’t already told your girlfriend how you feel, do it now. Her behavior shows a lack
of respect for you and your time, and respect is an essential part of a healthy relationship.
Some people seem to be chronically late, but they can learn to better handle their sched-
ules. If your girlfriend is willing to change, work with her. For example, if you’re going to a
movie that starts at 8:00 and it takes ten minutes to get from her house to the theater, tell
her you’ll be at her house at 7:15. Call before you leave your house to give her fair warning. She
should be ready to go when you arrive.
The most important thing to do is to tell her that you want to be treated with respect.
Let her know that when she’s constantly late, you feel like you aren’t important to her. If your
girlfriend isn’t willing to be on time for you, you have a decision to make: you can leave the
relationship, or you can stay with her and continue to be irritated when she’s late. Another
choice is to accept that she won’t ever be ready on time, and then bring a book so you’ll have
something to do while waiting. It’s up to you to decide! I wish you the best.

In friendship,
Terra

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 Making Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships Work 77

Trust
Trust means knowing that your boyfriend/girlfriend has your well-being in
mind. Mutual trust is when your bf/gf feels the same way. When you both act
with honesty and treat each other with respect, you know you can count on
each other. Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship because it allows
you to feel at ease and be certain that your boyfriend/girlfriend won’t suddenly
turn against you. When you trust someone and the person is trustworthy
(deserving of your trust), there’s no need for jealousy or doubt. You’re both free
to be yourselves, which brings out the best in each of you.

Manuel has several close friends who are girls. His girl-
friend doesn’t like him hanging out with them. She says
a good boyfriend should spend his free time with his
girlfriend.

Is there trust in this relationship? No. Manuel’s girlfriend seems to have

trouble trusting him. She feels the need to control him and how he spends his
time. A relationship that lacks trust isn’t growing in a healthy way.

Andrea heard through a mutual friend that her boyfriend,

Tony, asked out another girl. This friend told Andrea to
break up with Tony before he broke up with her. She
didn’t believe the rumor and talked to Tony. She found
out that none of it was true—he hadn’t asked any other
girl out.

Is there trust in this relationship? Yes. Andrea trusts that Tony won’t betray
her. She doesn’t allow herself to jump to conclusions about rumors. Instead,
she talks to Tony before reacting and assuming, and her trust is confirmed. This
is a healthy sign.

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78 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

I don’t know if I trust my girlfriend

Send

Hey Terra,
My girlfriend and I have been together for four months. She had this other boyfriend for about
a year, and he still calls her. I know this because my girlfriend’s sister told me, but when I asked
my girlfriend, she said he doesn’t call her. But then a few days ago, she said he does. I asked
her if she still loves him, and she gave me a funny look and said, “We’re just friends.” I really
want to believe her, but some of my friends knew her when she was going out with this other
guy and they say the two of them were a hot couple. So, here’s my problem: can I trust my
girlfriend when she says she loves me? I really love her so I want to believe her, but something
inside of me says she’s lying.

Am I the One?

Dear Am I the One,

Your girlfriend might be hiding something from you, which could explain why she changed
her story about the phone calls. But, in fairness, are you making it safe for her to talk to you
honestly? Ask yourself these questions: How would you feel if she had a friendship with her
ex? Would that be okay? And, if so, have you told her you’d accept it? My suggestion is that
you and your girlfriend have a conversation about the importance of honesty and trust. Can
you both agree to be more open with each other? Healthy relationships need trust to work.
Good luck!

In friendship,
Terra

Jealousy (lack of trust)

Jealousy is a powerful emotion that you feel in your head and body. Your chest
may tighten up, your stomach may feel weird, and you may be so out of control
emotionally that you can’t even think straight. When you feel jealous, you
believe someone else has something you want. For example, you might feel

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 Making Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships Work 79

jealous of someone who gets new clothes, the lead in the school play, an A on
a test, or praise from a teacher.
In a romantic relationship, you might feel jealous if someone gets attention
from your boyfriend/girlfriend. You may also feel threatened, hurt, confused,
angry, and less loved than you were before. It doesn’t make a lot of sense when
you really think about it, but it’s still the way you feel.
People in trusting and healthy relationships aren’t jealous when their bf/gf
spends time with others. If you’re involved with someone right now, ask yourself
how you feel when he/she is out with friends. Are you worried he/she is cheat-
ing or will find someone to replace you? Do you imagine that your bf/gf is hav-
ing more fun with friends than he/she ever does with you? If you feel this way,
your relationship lacks trust. Maybe you’ve been disappointed and betrayed
often in your life, which can make it hard for you to trust other people. But
unless you and your bf/gf learn to trust each other, jealousy is bound to occur.
What’s the best way to handle jealousy? By using your mind and not your
emotions. Often, when people are jealous, they’ve totally misinterpreted a situ-
ation. What they thought was going on wasn’t happening. They may make
assumptions, accept a rumor as the truth, or believe the worst of someone. In
other words, they stop thinking straight and let their emotions take over. To
stay in control:

1. Don’t jump to conclusions.

2. Take some time to breathe deeply and let yourself calm down.
3. Talk to yourself about what’s going on. Is there another explanation
for what you saw or heard?
4. Once you’re feeling calm and level-headed, talk with your
boyfriend/girlfriend so you can resolve things.

If you think that your bf/gf flirted with someone else, stop and think
before acting on your emotions. Do you two have an agreement not to flirt with
others? If you don’t, make one. If you do have this type of agreement, avoid
jumping to conclusions about his/her behavior. Check out the facts first. What
exactly happened, and did you see it with your own eyes? Are you hearing the
information from someone you trust and who has your best interests at heart?
Have you asked your bf/gf about it? By seeking out the truth, you might save
yourself from a major meltdown. You’ll also get the satisfaction of knowing
you’ve handled a situation maturely.

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80 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

But what if your jealousy is justified? Suppose your boyfriend/girlfriend

really is flirting (or worse)? It’s time for open communication and for you to
make decisions about what you want and don’t want out of this relationship.
Read pages 229–237 in Chapter 9, “Conflict Resolution Tool Kit,” which can
help you find healthy ways to confront problems.

My boyfriend gets mad if

I talk to other guys
Send
Hey Terra,
My boyfriend gets really jealous whenever I talk to another guy. I’ve never cheated on him or
anything. It’s just that I’m friendly, and I have lots of guy friends. I told my boyfriend he has
nothing to be jealous about, but he still questions me about everything. Like when he calls me
and the line is busy he’ll say, “Who were you just talking to?” I don’t like the way he’s acting,
but I don’t know what to do. My friends say I should be happy because his behavior shows
he loves me a lot. I’m not so sure. What do you think?

Joe’s Girl

Dear Joe’s Girl,

You have every right to talk to other people, male or female, face-to-face or on the phone.
Only an insecure boyfriend would feel threatened by his girlfriend’s guy friends. You aren’t his
property! You’re a free and independent young woman.
Tell your boyfriend how you feel when he acts jealous. Your words can help him understand
that his behavior creates distance, not closeness. He needs to trust you in the same way that you
need to trust him. Ask him to stop questioning you about conversations you have with others.
When you talk, give him a chance to express his concerns and feelings. A relationship without
trust and open communication doesn’t have much of a future. I wish you both the best.

In friendship,
Terra

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 Making Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships Work 81

My boyfriend has two girlfriends!

Send

Hey Terra,
Should I tell my boyfriend that I know he’s got another girlfriend who goes to a different
school? I know it’s true because a really good friend of mine goes to that school and has seen
my boyfriend and this girl kissing at basketball games and school dances.

Miserable

Dear Miserable,
Did you and your boyfriend make an agreement not to date other people? If not, it’s time to
talk about whether you both want this kind of relationship. If you already do have this type
of agreement, he’s betrayed your trust, and he owes you an apology. Tell your boyfriend what
you’ve heard and how you feel, so you can find out how much he values your relationship. If he
likes things the way they are (and you don’t), it’s up to you to decide whether you’re willing
to continue going out with him even though he’s seeing someone else. Thanks for writing.

In friendship,
Terra

Communication
Besides respect and trust, healthy relationships require open communication.
That means you and your boyfriend/girlfriend talk freely—there aren’t “off-
limits” subjects between you—and you can express your feelings without judg-
ment. Using open communication, the two of you can learn about each other
on a very personal level and come to understand each other more deeply.

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82 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

Jackie and Shawn have an agreement not to get involved

romantically with other people. Jackie went to a party
without Shawn and kissed someone else. She didn’t tell
Shawn because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
Shawn heard about the kiss but didn’t ask Jackie about
it, because he was afraid it might be true.

Does this relationship have open communication? No. If it did, Jackie

would have talked to Shawn about what she did and why. As for Shawn, he
knows something’s not right, but unless he talks openly with Jackie, the prob-
lem can’t be fixed.

Whenever Kevin is in a bad mood and his girlfriend,

Janna, asks him what’s wrong, he snaps, “I don’t want
to talk about it.” Janna is frustrated that Kevin won’t
share his feelings with her.

Is there open communication here? Not really. While Janna might under-
stand that everyone needs some private time, it’s frustrating for her to feel so
shut out. If Kevin doesn’t learn to open up, this relationship probably won’t
grow in healthy ways. With open communication, Kevin could learn to talk
about his feelings, and Janna could give him the support he needs.

Most problems in romantic relationships result from poor communication

or none at all. It’s easy to say you’re going to communicate better, but doing so
is another thing altogether. Many people simply aren’t comfortable talking
about their feelings—even with family members. To open up may feel a bit
strange, and you may not know exactly how to express yourself. So how can you
improve your communication with your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Recognizing that you need open communication is an excellent place to
start. Understanding how poor communication creates problems is also impor-
tant. Watch for the warning signs of a communication breakdown—do you
grow apart, fight more, or feel tempted to cheat or break up? Share what you’re
feeling, even if it seems weird or embarrassing at first. To find out what to say
and how to listen when you’re working on a relationship problem, check out
Chapter 9, “Conflict Resolution Tool Kit,” on pages 229–237.

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 Making Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships Work 83

I wish my girlfriend
talked to me more
Send
Hey Terra,
My girlfriend is really smart, but when we’re alone she doesn’t talk all that much. Most of the
time, I feel like I’m doing all the talking. Why doesn’t she talk more?

Talker

Dear Talker,
Some people are naturally shy and prefer listening to talking. Maybe you can draw your girl-
friend into a conversation by asking her questions about herself, her feelings, and her interests.
If you’ve tried this and it hasn’t worked, tell her how you feel and what you need. You
might say, “I feel like I do all the talking in our relationship. I feel pressured to keep the con-
versation going. I’d like it if you would open up and talk more, because I’d like to get to know
you better.” I hope this helps!

In friendship,
Terra

How come boys don’t talk

about their feelings?
Send
Hey Terra,
We girls all agree that it’s a lot easier for us to talk about our feelings than it is for guys to talk
about theirs. Why is that?

Girls Who’ll Say Anything

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84 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

Dear Girls Who’ll Say Anything,

It may seem as though only boys have a hard time expressing feelings, but some girls find this
to be a challenge, too. In our society, males are taught that “boys don’t cry” and showing
“tenderhearted” emotions like sadness isn’t considered masculine. In the same way, females
are taught that showing anger isn’t feminine. These mistaken beliefs hold everyone back!
Men and women, boys and girls all benefit from expressing emotions honestly.
As humans, we experience many emotions every day—embarrassment, sadness, love,
happiness, shyness, insecurity, anger, compassion, frustration, and so on. When we don’t
express our feelings, we lose touch with them and part of what makes us fully human.
If you want the guys in your life to talk more openly about their feelings, tell them so.
You might say, “It helps me feel close to you when I know what’s going on with you. You’re
such a great listener when I have problems, and I want to be there for you in the same way.”
Don’t pressure or lay guilt trips on your boyfriends over this issue. Words like, “What’s wrong
with you? Why don’t you ever talk about your feelings? Don’t you trust me?!” never help.
Talking about feelings is scary for some people. Be patient and continue being open your-
self—this may encourage your boyfriends to do the same. Also, if you treat your boyfriends
with respect and really listen to what they have to say, they’ll feel safer sharing their feelings.
Be persistent!

In friendship,
Terra

REDEFINING RELATIONSHIPS
People change and so do their needs and their relationships. Sometimes new
feelings lead to the change. Other times, relationships shift when people move
on. Life presents changes and challenges all the time. You may not have control
over what happens, but you always have choices about how you handle things.
“Redefining” a relationship may mean becoming romantically involved with
someone who was previously just a friend, or could mean breaking up with a
romantic partner. Relationship changes may force the people involved to be more
honest and trusting, to treat each other with more respect, and to communicate
more openly. So don’t be afraid of change. Use it as a chance to figure out what
you really want and need right now. Then make sure you communicate this.

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 Making Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships Work 85

From nearby to long distance

Suppose you and your boyfriend/girlfriend attend the same school. You even
share many of the same classes. On weekends, it’s no problem seeing each other
because you live relatively close by. Now suppose that one of you moves away.
What happens? The relationship is in for some definite changes.
If your bf/gf no longer lives near enough for you to see each other even once
a month without serious planning, it doesn’t matter whether the distance is 100
miles or 1,000 miles. This kind of relationship is difficult! Separation from
someone you love can be emotionally—and even physically—painful.
Many teens write to ask me if a long-distance relationship can last. To be
honest, the odds aren’t great. You and your boyfriend/girlfriend are changing so
much from day to day, and if you aren’t around each other often, it’s only natu-
ral to drift apart. This doesn’t mean it’s impossible for your relationship to last,
but the physical distance between you makes staying together more difficult.
The best way to handle the separation (and the sadness and longing that
comes with it) is to stay close in other ways. You can keep up with each other’s
lives by communicating often. Email makes this easy, but you can also make
phone calls, write letters, and exchange photos, audiotapes, poetry, and art.
Being creative with how you keep in touch will help you feel emotionally closer
to the person, even if he/she is physically very far away.
When you’re separated from your boyfriend/girlfriend, it’s important to stay
involved in your own activities. Being “a million miles away” in your head and
your heart is a challenge, but daydreaming endlessly won’t help. If you put your
life on hold until you’re with the one you love, your relationships with your
friends and family will suffer. You have to be where you are, or you’re nowhere
at all. Use your “single” time to focus on activities, school, hobbies, friends, or
whatever your interests are. Enjoy life!

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86 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

My girlfriend lives in another

part of the state
Send
Hey Terra,
My girlfriend is really great, but now she lives in another part of the state and we don’t see
each other much (like hardly ever). I love her, but there’s this girl I just recently met who goes
to my school and we get along great, too. I think I love them both, and they both say they
love me. You see the problem?

Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught in the Middle,

A long-distance relationship is obviously different than a “nearby” one. When there’s distance
between you, it’s tough to stay close. (That’s the downside.) But not being able to see each
other has an “up” side, too. It gives both of you the freedom to do other things, such as going
out with friends. With a girlfriend who lives nearby, on the other hand, you might want to go
out with her as much as possible. As a result, you both may lose some independence.
You have a decision to make: do you want to stick with the long-distance relationship
and see where it goes? Or do you want to pursue the girl who’s nearby? Or do you want to
date both, which may or may not be acceptable to them?
Before you get further involved with the local girl, tell your girlfriend what’s going on.
Explain how you’re feeling about the relationship, the distance, and the fact that you have
feelings for someone else. Have this conversation soon, because it sounds as though you have
two girls who think they’re the only one, and that’s one girl too many (unless both girls are
okay sharing you). Best of luck!

In friendship,
Terra

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 Making Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships Work 87

How can our relationship last

when my boyfriend is away?
Send
Hey Terra,
I’m seventeen, and I’m in love with my boyfriend who’s so sweet and caring. Other relation-
ships never lasted because the guys were jerks and also because I was too immature to know
what I really wanted. Now I know, and I feel so lucky to have found the right guy. The prob-
lem is this: my boyfriend is transferring out of state to a large university, and I have another
year of high school. I wonder if the relationship can last while he’s away. I can’t bear to think
about what my life will be like without him. Is there anything I can do to make sure we’re
always in love the way we are now?

Juliet

Dear Juliet,
It’s wonderful to find someone who’s sweet and caring. I’m sure the thought of losing that
closeness is difficult. But your boyfriend needs to pursue his education and his dreams, and
you have a life to live where you are. I know you’re looking for definite answers, but some
things in life just have to happen as they happen.
There are no guarantees that your love will last. The best I can suggest is that you and
your boyfriend communicate openly and frequently about what’s going on and how you’re
feeling, now and when you’re apart. The good news is that with chat rooms, instant messag-
ing, and email, it’s easier than ever to keep the channels of communication open. And regular
mail is still a fun way to keep in touch. Enjoy your last year of high school and know that your
relationship will work out exactly the way it’s supposed to. Also, know that you can enjoy your
life with or without a boyfriend. Thanks for writing.

In friendship,
Terra

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88 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

Friends or something more?

When someone you really like says, “I just want to be friends,” it can be hard to
take, especially when you see that person being romantic with someone else.
You may be hurting, but you’re not helpless. You always have choices for han-
dling any situation. Ask yourself these questions:

• Is a friendship better than nothing? It might be, if you like the person
and can put aside your romantic feelings and enjoy the friendship. On the other
hand, you may have trouble shelving your emotions. In this case, it may be
wiser to choose not to be friends for now.

• Can I really be a good friend? You may find that you can’t be with the per-
son without wishing the relationship were more than it is. If so, maybe you
can’t be a good friend until your romantic feelings subside. In that case, saying
“no thanks” is a healthy decision.

Friendships with people you like more than “just friends” can work. If, in
your heart, the friendship feels right, this could be a great opportunity to learn
about yourself and what it means to be a true friend. Remember, many suc-
cessful romantic relationships start out as friendships. This may not happen in
your case . . . but then again, it might!

She only thinks of me

as her best friend
Send
Hey Terra,
I already know what I want in a girlfriend. I’ve even met her! The problem is she just thinks of
me as her best friend. She’s a great girl, and if her stupid boyfriend wasn’t around making her
life so miserable by cheating on her, she might notice that I have feelings for her that are way
more serious than just friendship. She always asks for my advice, but what should I tell her to
get her to wake up and see that the guy who loves her most is standing right here?!

Just J.J.’s Friend

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 Making Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships Work 89

Dear Just J.J.’s Friend,

Have you told your friend how you really feel about her? You have some choices for handling
this situation:

1. Tell her that you like her as more than a friend. She may have no idea about your
true feelings. If she did, hers might change! If her feelings for you stay the same, at least
you’ve been honest.

2. Don’t tell her about your romantic feelings. Simply continue being her best
friend. She obviously likes you, trusts you, and appreciates your friendship. That’s a good
thing, because friendship counts for a lot.

3. Stop being her friend. If it’s too painful for you to be in this friendship, especially when
she asks for advice about her boyfriend, give yourself some time away from her.

If she breaks up with her boyfriend and you’re still interested in her romantically, ask her
out. Once you do, she may be able to see you in a whole new light. Good luck!

In friendship,
Terra

I went out with my best friend

’
but it didn’t work out
Send
Hey Terra,
Maybe it was a mistake, but my best guy friend and I went out for about three weeks, and
then it just wasn’t working so we broke up. We decided it was better to be best friends
instead. Well, he was actually the one who decided. He wasn’t interested in me romantically.
I went along with it, but I still really like him in a romantic way, although he doesn’t know
that. Now the friendship doesn’t feel the same as it did before. How long will it take to get
back to the way it was?

Friends Again

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90 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

Dear Friends Again,

You took the plunge and tried to go from a friendship to a romantic relationship. As you’ve
discovered, it can be a challenge to switch gears this way!
It doesn’t sound as if you’re ready to be just friends again. To give the relationship a
little breathing room, spend time with people you’re totally comfortable with and try to meet
some new friends. When your feelings for this guy aren’t so intense, see if you can go back
to being friends again. I hope things work out!

In friendship,
Terra

Should I tell her how I feel?

Send
Hey Terra,
Lately, I’ve had feelings for a girl I’ve been friends with since fourth grade. We’ve always got-
ten along really well. Even when other kids in the class teased us about liking each other, it
never spoiled our friendship. So now I’m thinking I really do like her as more than a friend.
Should I tell her how I feel? If I do, how can I tell her without being scared that she’ll laugh
or something?

Freaked

Dear Freaked,
Have you ever heard the expression “Nothing ventured, nothing gained”? It means that if you
don’t enter the contest, you can’t possibly win. If you like this girl as more than just a friend,
tell her. It’s scary to express your true feelings, but it gets easier with practice. Rehearse what
you want to say on your own or have another friend play the role of the girl. When you feel
confident, arrange a time to talk and tell her the truth. The worst that can happen is that she

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 Making Boyfriend /Girlfriend Relationships Work 91

may be embarrassed and surprised. More likely, the two of you will have a heartfelt talk that
will help you get to know each other even better than before. Good luck!

In friendship,
Terra

Will he ever kiss me?

Send

Hey Terra,
My boyfriend and I started out as friends, and then about a month ago we started going out.
This is my first boyfriend, and I’m his first girlfriend. We’re only in seventh grade, and he’s on
the shy side, but it’s been two weeks already and he hasn’t even held my hand! I want some-
thing romantic to happen between us. Do you think I should make the first move?

Waitin’

Dear Waitin’,
While you seem to have successfully made the emotional shift from friends to something
more, it sounds like your boyfriend isn’t quite ready to get physical. Be patient—you haven’t
been going out very long. Holding hands will come in time. Usually, holding hands, hugging,
and kissing takes a relationship to the next level, and these things happen when the time is
right. Rushing into the physical stuff can be a mistake, especially if the other person isn’t ready.
To get a little more intimate, you might hold his hand and see how he responds. If he
likes it, fine, but if it makes him uncomfortable, respect that. The important thing is that the
two of you enjoy being together and treat each other with respect. Take care.

In friendship,
Terra

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92 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

Too Stressed to Think?

A Teen Guide to Staying Sane When
Life Makes You Crazy
by Annie Fox, M.Ed., and Ruth Kirschner
When stress has the “survival brain” on
overdrive, what happens to the “thinking
brain”? How can teens learn to use the
mind-body connection to stay cool and
make smart choices when the pressure’s
on? Practical information, stress-lessen-
ing tools, quotes from real teens, and real-
istic scenarios help teens reduce or stop
the stress and make decisions that won’t
leave them lamenting, “What was I thinking?” For ages 13 & up.
$14.95; 208 pages; softcover; 6" x 9"

Click to order from:

Free Spirit Publishing
Amazon.com
AnnieFox.com (and she’ll autograph it with a personal message)

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 C H A P T E R 4

Sex, Unhealthy Romantic

Relationships, and Good-byes

ll healthy relationships grow in the direction of greater trust, more honesty,

A deeper respect, and more open communication. Romantic relationships
also grow in yet another dimension. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, you may
want to become closer to that person physically as well as emotionally, and you
may be struggling with the confusing question, “How far should we go?”
When you’re a teen, your body experiences hormone surges, physical
changes, and an awakening of sexual feelings. Combine those changes and emo-
tions with exposure to explicit song lyrics and sensual images on TV, in movies,
and in magazines, add a dose of peer pressure from friends who may push you
to become sexually active, and you may be wondering, “Should I be having sex?
Is it right or wrong? What’s right for me? What will happen if I have sex?”
Sex is a complicated issue—for adults as well as teens. This is because being
sexually active involves deep emotional feelings and potentially life-changing
physical risks. Sex also changes relationships and not always for the better
(despite what the media images portray). Before you get too intimate, consider
how sex might affect your feelings about yourself and your boyfriend/girlfriend
and what the physical consequences might be.

93
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94 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

Regardless of sexual activity, romances during the teen years are often short-
lived. For this reason, it’s important to recognize the warning signs of a rela-
tionship that’s in trouble. When it’s clear that you and your boyfriend/girlfriend
want different things, you need to know how to say good-bye respectfully and
move on with your life.

GETTING CLOSER PHYSICALLY

We’re all physical, intellectual, and emotional beings. Identifying the different
needs of the body, mind, and heart helps us, as humans, understand how we
relate to one another. When we talk and exchange ideas, we connect with people
intellectually—mind to mind. When we share our feelings and experiences, we
connect emotionally—heart to heart. When we dance or play team sports we
connect (and sometimes collide) physically—body to body.
But there’s another kind of touching, expressive touching, which allows us to
connect physically as well as intellectually and emotionally. Some examples of
expressive touching are a handshake, a pat on the back, a hug, or a caress. These
touches, along with our words and facial expressions, allow us to connect to
people with caring and respect.
If you think back to your early relationship with your parents or other care-
givers, or if you observe families in public places, you’ll see many ways that par-
ents use expressive touching to show their children how they feel. Children are
carried, hugged, kissed, cuddled, or lifted up onto a lap. Parents hold their kids’
hands, tousle their hair, or put an arm around their shoulders. All of these ges-
tures say, “I love you. I’m here to comfort you and keep you safe.”
As a preteen or teen, you may grow away from your parents emotionally
and focus more on defining yourself as an individual. But as a human being,
you don’t outgrow your need to be touched. Wanting to touch and be touched
is a basic human need. While you may not have the same physical closeness you
once had with your mom or dad, you may have found it in other relationships.
Friends, for example, often share feelings through hugs. The range of emotions
a hug expresses could be everything from “We won!” to “I’m here for you” to
“Great to see you.”
Because of the romantic aspect of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship,
expressive touching takes on a whole new meaning, but it doesn’t have to

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 Sex, Unhealthy Romantic Relationships, and Good-byes 95

include sex. For example, holding hands is a way of connecting physically; it

may also be a first step in acknowledging to each other, and your friends, that
you’re a couple. Another way to express intimacy, affection, and closeness is
through hugging. Giving your romantic partner a hug (bringing him/her close
to your heart) definitely allows you to feel closer emotionally.
Just as there are all kinds of hugs, there are also all kinds of kisses. You can
kiss someone as a way to say hello or thank you. You can kiss a friend to show
you care or to say, “I love you.” A romantic kiss, though, is a very personal and
intimate expression between two people.
Where does sex fit in with hugging and kissing? First, let’s talk about the
word “sex” because it can mean different things. On a purely physical level, sex is
when certain body parts of one person come in contact with certain body parts
of another person. In the simplest terms, these behaviors are sexual activities,
sometimes referred to as “messing around.” Obviously, all sexual behaviors
(including touching of breasts or other body parts) aren’t equal, but they all
have a sexual intention. The most invasive sexual activity is sexual intercourse, or
sexual contact that involves the genitals.
What’s the big deal about sex in general and sexual intercourse in particu-
lar? There are many risks involved. Some of these risks are physical, while some
are emotional.

SEX AND PHYSICAL RISKS

At this point in your life, you’ve probably learned a lot about sex through health
classes, talking with parents or friends, reading about it, or even experimenting.
But do you have enough information to make healthy decisions about it for
yourself? Although, on some level, the physical act may seem simple, sex is
complicated. Often, you hear different things about sex from different people—
things that may or may not be true. This section covers the basics of the physi-
cal risks of sex. If you want more information, see the “Where to Turn” resources
on page 100, and talk to an adult you respect and trust. (It’s important to go to
an adult because your friends, even though they mean well, may not have the
most accurate information about sex.)

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96 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

Pregnancy
If you engage in sexual activities, which may or may not include sexual intercourse,
and you and your partner aren’t using a condom or other form of contraception
(birth control), you expose yourself to the possibility of pregnancy. Whether
you’re a guy or girl, you’re at risk: as a girl, you can become pregnant; as a guy,
you have responsibilities if your partner gets pregnant.
Can you get pregnant if you’re not actually having sexual intercourse? Yes,
and if you’ve heard otherwise, you’ve heard wrong! Anytime a guy’s semen gets
near a girl’s vagina, there’s a chance that sperm can enter the vagina, fertilize
an egg, and cause a pregnancy. If you and your partner are using a condom,
there’s still a chance (one in eight) that the condom will break, slip, or other-
wise fail to protect against pregnancy. The only 100 percent safe and effective
method of protection against pregnancy is abstinence, which means not being
sexually active.
Bottom line: You and your boyfriend/girlfriend are most likely not ready to
deal with a pregnancy. That’s why you need to think about the risks before you
decide to have sex. One million American teen girls become pregnant each year,
and one million teen boys are faced with fatherhood.

Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)

If you engage in sexual activities and you and your partner aren’t using a condom,
you may be exposing yourself to sexually transmitted diseases. STDs are carried
from person to person through sexual contact. Two very serious STDs are herpes
and HIV.

• Herpes: Caused by a virus called HSV (herpes simplex virus), herpes is trans-
mitted by unprotected sexual contact (vaginal, oral, or anal) with someone who
has herpes. The herpes virus causes painful blisters that break into open sores.
These sores may go away in five to twenty-one days, but the virus stays with you
forever (there’s no cure) and may be transmitted to other people. You may not
know if someone has herpes because the sores aren’t there all the time. Don’t
take chances.

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 Sex, Unhealthy Romantic Relationships, and Good-byes 97

• HIV: Human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) can cause AIDS (acquired

immune deficiency syndrome), a life-threatening disease. AIDS hinders the
body’s ability to fight infections—it’s the last stage of HIV infection and can kill
you. HIV is transmitted in several ways, including unprotected sexual contact
(vaginal, oral, or anal) with someone who has HIV; blood-to-blood contact with
someone infected with HIV (this may occur when sharing unsterile needles dur-
ing intravenous drug use); and through the breast milk of a nursing mother.

As with pregnancy, the only 100 percent safe and effective method of pro-
tection against STDs is abstinence.
In addition to herpes and HIV, there are dozens of other STDs that can have
negative effects on your health. Unprotected sex puts you at high risk for getting
them. Three million American teens are infected each year. Don’t become one
of them.

Did we have sex?

Send

Hey Terra,
My guy friend and I were just messing around, like we do sometimes. He had just taken a
shower and I let him go inside me, only part way, one time. That wasn’t really the same as
having sex, was it?

Virgin

Dear Virgin,
Any penis-to-vagina contact is sex. And every time a guy puts his penis in your vagina (with-
out a condom), you’re at risk for pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).
Sometimes teens think it’s okay to have sex if a guy’s penis is clean (you mentioned he had
just taken a shower). Even if he scrubbed with antibacterial soap, and even if he’s inside you
for only a moment, you can still get pregnant or he can give you an infection, whether or not
he ejaculates. In fact, you should take a pregnancy test to find out if you’re pregnant and see
a doctor to be tested for STDs.

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98 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

I know this all may be a bit scary to hear, but what you and your friend are doing is very
risky, and I hope you stop. I wish you well.

In friendship,
Terra

What is this rash?

Send

Hey Terra,
My boyfriend and I were fooling around two weekends ago. We always use a condom, but
this time we didn’t. Nothing much happened, but well . . . a little bit happened. Now I have
this weird rash on the inside part of my thigh, and it’s right where he was touching me. I’m
worried I might have an infection or something. How can I tell?

Itchy and Worried

Dear Itchy and Worried,

Whenever people get sexual without using protection, there’s always a risk of pregnancy and
sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). The only way you’re going to be able to tell whether the
rash is, in fact, an STD is to have it checked out by a doctor. I suggest you do that right away.
Take care of yourself!

In friendship,
Terra

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 Sex, Unhealthy Romantic Relationships, and Good-byes 99

My girlfriend is pregnant!
Send

Hey Terra,
My girlfriend and I have a big problem. She just took a home pregnancy test and found out
that she’s pregnant. We’re both fifteen. What should we do?

Help

Dear Help,
I’m very sorry that you have to deal with this situation. You and your girlfriend have important
decisions to make, and you’re going to need all the support you can get.
The first thing you need is adult help. I don’t know what kind of relationship either of you
has with your parents, but I suggest you talk to the parent you think will be the most under-
standing. It won’t be an easy conversation, but you can’t ignore a pregnancy; this is too much
for the two of you to deal with alone.
If you can’t count on any of your parents or if there’s not another caring adult you can
talk to, call 1-800-230-PLAN (1-800-230-7526), the national hotline for Planned Parenthood.
By calling, you’ll be transferred to the Planned Parenthood clinic closest to you. You and your
girlfriend can make an appointment by phone to go to a clinic and get help sorting out your
options. If you’re not comfortable contacting Planned Parenthood, make an appointment with
a doctor who can help you decide what to do.
I hope everything works out for you and your girlfriend, and I wish you both well.

In friendship,
Terra

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100 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

Where to turn

Changing Bodies, Changing Lives: A Book for Teens on Sex and Relationships by Ruth
Bell (New York: Times Books, 1998). This updated classic offers everything you
want to know about sex, physical and emotional health, and personal relation-
ships. With important questions and comprehensive answers, this book helps
you make wise choices.

Like It Is: A Teen Sex Guide by E. James Lieberman and Karen Lieberman Troccoli
(Jefferson, NC: McFarland and Company Inc., 1998). This frank sex guide cov-
ers the questions most teens have about sex, including birth-control options,
infection and disease, and the emotional aspects of sexual relationships.

The Underground Guide to Teenage Sexuality: An Essential Handbook for Today’s

Teens and Parents by Michael J. Basso (Minneapolis: Fairview Press, 1997). Written
in clear language (with lots of illustrations to make things even clearer), this
conversational book offers helpful information about sex and sexuality.

“Sex,” The InSite

www.TheInSite.org
Click on “Me, Myself, and I,” then on “Some Body” to find this section of The
InSite. It’s all about sex, including the basics on reproduction, birth-control
options, and sexually transmitted diseases, as well as information about sexual
orientation. “Been There” stories tell what it’s like to deal with STDs, sexual-
orientation issues, and more.

TeenTalk
www.plannedparenthood.org/teen-talk
TeenTalk is Planned Parenthood’s Web site for teens. You’ll find info about dat-
ing, love, sex, sexual orientation, abstinence, birth control, puberty, and much
more. An ASK section features real Q & A between teens and experts. You can
submit your own questions. Plus, there are cool videos, animations, quizzes.

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 Sex, Unhealthy Romantic Relationships, and Good-byes 101

SEX AND EMOTIONAL RISKS

While the physical risks of sex (pregnancy and STDs) are easy to pinpoint, the
emotional risks aren’t. Why? Because people respond to situations differently.
Something that may be exciting to one person may be frightening to another,
and what may be emotionally devastating for you may be “no big deal” for
someone else. You simply can’t predict how you’re going to feel. Before you find
yourself in a romantic situation with things careening out of control, think
through all the possible consequences carefully.
If you become sexually active before you’re ready, you may feel over-
whelmed and confused by the feelings that go along with this type of intimacy.
This is especially true if you can’t talk freely to your sexual partner about what’s
going on between you, how you feel about each other, what you’re doing, and
what the relationship means to you.
Sexual activities, especially sexual intercourse, leave people emotionally vul-
nerable. During sex, people tend to be less guarded with their feelings, which
allows them to be very close to each other. Ideally, that closeness extends into
the rest of the relationship. Until you’ve experienced this kind of closeness with
another person, you can’t really understand it, except to know that it can be very
wonderful—provided you and your partner totally trust and respect each other.
When you don’t trust each other or don’t know each other well enough to feel
deeply respected, being intimate can leave you feeling hurt, betrayed, and alone.
If you and your boyfriend/girlfriend aren’t sexually active but are consider-
ing it, have a conversation about it before you find yourself in the “heat of the
moment.” For many teens (and adults, too), it’s almost easier to have sex than
to talk about having it. Unfortunately, many people get physical before they’re
emotionally ready. For this reason and many others, it’s also smart to talk with
an adult you trust about the choice you’re facing.
Before you decide what to do about sex, you also need to talk to another
person—yourself. You are the person who has to live with the consequences of
your decisions, so be clear about what’s right (and wrong) for you. Ask yourself
these questions:

• Knowing there are huge physical and emotional risks involved,

why am I thinking of having sex?

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102 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

• How do I think sex will change my relationship? Do I think it will

make us love each other more? Why? Do I think it will make the
relationship last longer? Why? Do I think we’ll have more respect
for each other? Are my expectations realistic? Why or why not?
• Is having sex consistent with my values (the “right” or “wrong”
choices for me)?
• Is my choice to have sex consistent with my parents’ values? If they
find out, how will it affect my relationship with them?
• If I decide to have sex, what kind of contraception am I planning
to use to guard against pregnancy and STDs?

You may want to write your answers to these questions in your private
journal. It will help you think about things more clearly. Consider all of your
choices, and remember to listen to your inner voice, which will always tell you
what’s right for you (see pages 6–10 for how to do this).
What if you’re in a sexual relationship now and you’re not certain what to
do? First, make sure you’re fully aware of all the physical risks involved and take
any necessary precautions. Talk to your partner: are you both comfortable with
the relationship as it is? If you’re not involved with anybody at the moment but
you have had sex in the past, don’t assume that you have to jump into another
sexual relationship. You can abstain from sex anytime. It’s always your choice.
If you’ve never been sexually active, don’t give in to pressure to do more
than you’re ready for. See “Where to Turn” on pages 100 and 105 for more infor-
mation about sex and its physical and emotional consequences.

How do you know when

you’re ready for sex?
Send
Hey Terra,
My boyfriend and I think that we’re ready for sex, but how can we tell for sure?

Ready

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 Sex, Unhealthy Romantic Relationships, and Good-byes 103

Dear Ready,
Before doing anything, ask and answer the following questions (you may want to write the
answers down so you can think about them later, too):

• How do you think sex will change this relationship? How might it change the way
you feel about your boyfriend? How might it change how he feels about you?
• Do you completely trust your boyfriend and his feelings for you? Does he completely
trust you and your feelings for him?
• Are you willing to risk pregnancy and/or getting a sexually transmitted disease?
• How will you feel about yourself if you become sexually active?
• If you have sex, how will you feel if the relationship ends (which it probably will
eventually, because most teen relationships do)?
• What expectations will your boyfriend have after you “do it”? (Will he expect to
have sex whenever you’re alone? Will he be jealous if you talk to other guys?)
The best way to get the answers to these questions is to ask him directly.

As you can see, there are lots of questions to consider, and you’re the only one who can
answer them. So, take your time to think things over. A healthy decision is one that’s 100 per-
cent right for you and the person you’re thinking of having sex with. Be sure to ask yourself
what your values really are. Listen to your inner voice!

In friendship,
Terra

My girlfriend and I ended up having

sex but I didn’t want to
’ Send
Hey Terra,
The other night, I didn’t want to have sex with my girlfriend, but she kept, you know, touch-
ing me and I got an erection. Even though I told her no, she wouldn’t stop. So we ended up
having sex, but I didn’t want to and now I feel really weird, embarrassed, and kind of upset
about what happened.

Unwilling Will

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104 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

Dear Unwilling Will,

When your girlfriend didn’t take no for an answer, she wasn’t treating you with respect. Just
because your body responded to stimulation and gave you the ability to have sex doesn’t
mean you wanted to do it. Part of the reason you’re upset and confused is that you feel
betrayed by your girlfriend and by your own body.
What should you do about it now? Tell your girlfriend how upset and embarrassed you
feel about what happened. You deserve an apology. Make sure your girlfriend knows that the
only way you’ll continue this relationship (assuming you want to) is with the understanding
that the two of you will respect each other’s wishes at all times.
If you need to talk about your feelings with someone other than your girlfriend, I suggest
you talk to a school counselor or another trusted adult and explain what happened. Thanks
for writing.

In friendship,
Terra

I don’t want to have sex

’
but I don’t want to lose him!
Send

Hey Terra,
My boyfriend and I have been going out for two years. I love him a lot, but we have a prob-
lem. He’s been asking to have sex with me, and it’s getting to be a regular argument between
us. I keep telling him that I don’t feel ready for that kind of relationship, but he keeps trying
to convince me that it would be great because we’d get so much closer. I’d like us to get
closer, but I don’t want to do something I’m not ready for.
He says there are lots of girls who’d love to have sex with him. How does he know that?
Is he flirting with other people? Are other girls offering? I think if he really cared about me,
he’d want to be with me even without the sex—don’t you agree? I don’t want to have sex
with him, but I don’t want to lose him either.

Stuck

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 Sex, Unhealthy Romantic Relationships, and Good-byes 105

Dear Stuck,
Having sex with someone because you’re afraid to lose him would mean having sex for the
wrong reason. If you do it anyway, you may lose respect for yourself. Also, having sex with
your boyfriend doesn’t guarantee that he’ll stay with you.
After two years together, it’s natural for a guy to want to have sex with his girlfriend
(depending on how old you both are). Your boyfriend is experiencing intense sexual feelings
and may not know how to channel that excess energy in nonsexual ways. But it’s his respon-
sibility to deal with that without pressuring you. You don’t have to justify your decision to
anyone, and you don’t have to do something you’re not ready to do.
Your boyfriend’s pressure isn’t a good sign. A healthy relationship is based on mutual
respect, and you deserve more respect than he’s giving you. I agree with you, if he really cares,
he should want to be with you whether you have sex with him or not. Tell him that you don’t
appreciate the pressure and that if you’re going to continue the relationship, he needs to slow
down. If he doesn’t, you may have to break up with him and move on. Be strong and be true
to yourself. Good luck!

In friendship,
Terra

Where to turn

The First Time: What Parents and Teenage Girls Should Know About “Losing Your
Virginity” by Karen Bouris (Berkeley, CA: Conari Press, 1995). In this book,
women of all ages and races share their stories of their first sexual experience.
These stories offer information, advice, and a unique look into the emotional
aspects of having sex.

Teen Love: On Relationships (Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul Series) by Kimberly
Kirberger (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications Inc., 1999). This book
for teens offers advice for sorting out the feelings that come with romantic rela-
tionships. It includes original letters from teens, wise advice, and insights about
falling in love and handling your desires and feelings.

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106 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Healthy relationships are based on honesty, trust, respect, and open communi-
cation. They’re also balanced. That means both people treat and regard each
other as equals.
When one person feels more important, loved, and in charge, the relation-
ship isn’t equal. It’s unbalanced and unhealthy. If you’re in this type of rela-
tionship, it’s time to talk, make changes, or move on.
Unhealthy relationships are more likely to occur when:

1. There’s a large age difference between partners. The older person,

who has more life experience, tends to dominate.

2. One person is more “in love” than the other. The person who’s more
in love may be afraid of losing the relationship. The other person sometimes
uses this fear to manipulate and control the relationship.

3. One person is abusive. This can include verbal, emotional, physical,

and/or sexual abuse. Abusive relationships are the most unhealthy and dan-
gerous kinds.

What exactly is abuse? It’s mistreatment of any type and can range from
insulting “jokes” to violence. In a relationship, the abuser (the one who’s mis-
treating the other) feels superior to the abused.
The abuser may exert control in many different ways. For example, an
abuser could say mean and hurtful things (verbal abuse). Or gain control by
constantly ignoring or purposely hurting the other person’s feelings (emotional
abuse). Or use violence or threats of harm to get his/her way (physical abuse).
Or force someone to perform a sexual act (sexual abuse). In each case, the
abuser treats the other person with a tremendous lack of respect.
Why are some people abusive? And why do some people tolerate abuse?
These are difficult and complex questions. Teens who have been abused by a
parent or caregiver may grow up mistakenly believing that this behavior is part
of a “loving” relationship. For teens in this situation, abuse might feel “normal”
or inevitable (as if there’s no other way), and they may not know how to express

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 Sex, Unhealthy Romantic Relationships, and Good-byes 107

love in an appropriate manner. In fact, these teens may even become abusers
themselves.
Some teens who are currently in relationships in which they’re mistreated
haven’t been abused before. Still, they may be attracted to or involved with
people who treat them poorly. Once they’re caught in the pattern of abuse, they
may find it very difficult to get out of the painful relationship. Or they may
become abusive themselves because they don’t understand what it means to
treat someone with respect.
Abusive relationships are very confusing because the mistreatment may
occur infrequently or at random. These relationships often go through cycles;
for example, one minute the abuser lashes out and the next minute acts apolo-
getic and sweet. Because the abuser may also be very loving at times, it can be
difficult for this person’s partner to leave the relationship. He/she may hold out
hope that the abuser will never act out again and will continue to be loving.
Low self-esteem also keeps abused partners from leaving unhealthy rela-
tionships. On some level, the abused person believes he/she deserves to be mis-
treated or “punished.” The person doesn’t want to be abused (nobody wants
that) but doesn’t feel worthy of fair and loving treatment. The person may think
he/she provoked the abuse and may have mixed-up feelings about love and vio-
lence. These feelings and beliefs are deeply rooted and need to be resolved
through counseling.
Abusers rarely stop and become healthier without professional help. More
often, the abuser gets more violent and disrespectful as the relationship goes
on. This makes it even harder for the abused person to leave. He/she may feel
threatened, worthless, and totally alone.
To find out if you’re in an abusive relationship, answer the following
questions:

1. Are you unhappy with your boyfriend/girlfriend because you feel

he/she is controlling you?
2. Do you do things you don’t want to do because you feel intimidated
by your boyfriend/girlfriend?
3. Do you feel terrible about yourself because of things this person says
to you?
4. Does your boyfriend/girlfriend push you around or threaten to
hurt you?
5. Does he/she hit you?

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108 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

6. Does your boyfriend/girlfriend force you to engage in sexual

intercourse or other kinds of intimate behavior?
7. Do you do any of the above to your boyfriend/girlfriend or
anyone else?

If you answered yes to any of questions 1–6, you may already be in an abu-
sive relationship. You can take steps to work things out or leave the relationship.
If you answered yes to number 7, you may be an abuser yourself, and you need
to stop this behavior. It’s very hard to do this alone, so you may want to talk to
an adult about getting help.
It’s never okay for anyone to hurt you or for you to hurt anyone else. But
whether you’re an abuser or are being abused, you can learn to make better
choices in the future. The pattern can be broken. If you think you’re in an abu-
sive relationship or you know someone else who is, you need to:

• talk to a school counselor or other trusted adult,

• call your local YMCA or YWCA to ask about workshops
on abuse awareness and prevention,
• look under Women’s Services in the Yellow Pages and call an
organization that offers domestic violence-prevention services, or
• contact one of the organizations in the “Where to Turn” resources below

It will take hard work and persistence to resolve these issues. But it can be
done!

Where to turn

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)
This English/Spanish hotline is open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a
week. The people who answer the phone are trained in crisis intervention, and
they can refer you to a teen violence-prevention program in your area. You can
also use this hotline if you have a friend or family member in an abusive rela-
tionship and you want tips on how to talk to this person and offer help.

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 Sex, Unhealthy Romantic Relationships, and Good-byes 109

RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network)

1-800-656-HOPE (1-800-656-4673)
www.rainn.org
RAINN, started by musician Tori Amos, is a nationwide clearinghouse for orga-
nizations dealing with issues of sexual and physical abuse. A call to RAINN will
automatically connect you to the rape crisis/domestic violence-prevention
center nearest you, so you can get help and counseling.

My boyfriend is totally mean to me

Send

Hey Terra,
My boyfriend, who I love more than anything, is totally mean to me. He calls me names, and
he shoves me around. He says stuff like, “You’re a fat bitch” and “You’re too stupid to under-
stand.” He says he loves me, but if you love someone how can you say stuff like that?

Hurting

Dear Hurting,
People who consistently put down, embarrass, or lash out at others have serious problems.
They try to control people by being insensitive or by using verbal or physical abuse. You can’t
change your boyfriend’s behavior, but you can take care of yourself.
Ask yourself why you’re in this relationship. Although you may love your boyfriend, you
most likely don’t love the part of him that’s mean to you. If you don’t feel good about who
you are, you may believe that you don’t deserve to be treated well. Or maybe you think you
deserve cruel treatment because you feel guilty or ashamed about something you’ve done.
Talk to a school counselor or another adult who can work with you to get to the root of your
feelings and help you understand that you deserve respect.
I also recommend that you end this relationship, so you can put energy into understand-
ing yourself better, figuring out what you need, and learning to stick up for yourself. You can
tell your boyfriend, “I have to break up with you because I feel bad a lot of the time when I’m

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110 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

with you, especially when you call me names. I feel scared and hurt when you shove me
around. I need to leave, so I can feel good about who I am.” No matter how hard he might
try to convince you to stay, you need to do what’s best for you. And that means staying away
from him. I suggest that you bring a friend or two with you when you break up. That way,
you won’t have to worry as much about your boyfriend getting violent.
Make sure you get help from other people. Talk to friends who know about your situ-
ation, and reach out to an adult who cares about you. I hope this helps!

In friendship,
Terra

I’m afraid to ask my girlfriend

what’s going on with her
Send
Hey Terra,
My girlfriend used to be a sweetheart, but lately her whole personality has changed. I wish I
knew what was going on with her, but I’m afraid to ask. She doesn’t like it when I ask her
personal questions. The other day, I just asked her what she wanted to do this weekend and
she got all mad and started yelling at me, saying that she’d let me know when she decided
and that I should quit bugging her! So I guess I’ll just keep quiet and wait until the girl I fell
in love with comes back again, because right now she’s scary to be around.

Chilling

Dear Chilling,
Being controlling (by saying things like, “I’ll let you know when I decide. Quit bugging me!”)
is a type of verbal abuse. Even though your girlfriend may not be physically violent, she’s using
a form of emotional control. You should never have to feel afraid of someone you’re in a
romantic relationship with.
The solution isn’t to keep quiet and wait until things change. Healthy relationships are
balanced and have open communication. Talk to your girlfriend about her behavior. You might
say, “I’m not happy with the way things have been going. I feel like you yell at me all the time,

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 Sex, Unhealthy Romantic Relationships, and Good-byes 111

and I’m not having fun in this relationship anymore. I know something’s bothering you, and
I’d really like to talk about it.” If you need some support before you tell her how you feel, find
a counselor or another caring adult who can help. You could invite your girlfriend to be part
of this conversation, too. Her behavior could be a sign of a deeper problem, and it may be
helpful for her to talk to an adult. I wish you both well.

In friendship,
Terra

My boyfriend questions my every move

Send

Hey Terra,
When my boyfriend and I got together a year ago, everything was positively heaven. Then this
new guy “Doug” came to our school. He’s a real player, and he also drinks. My boyfriend and
Doug became friends, and my boyfriend started acting just like him. He showed up at my
house drunk, and when I told him that he couldn’t come in, he started yelling at me. He later
apologized, but then he did something worse—he slept with this other girl! I was extremely
hurt, but he apologized, and I forgave him.
Things got better, but then he started getting really jealous and asking me questions
about everything I did when I wasn’t with him. Also, he tells me who I can hang with and
where I can go. It’s like I can’t even breathe without telling him about it. He says that if I ever
talk to another guy, he’ll beat the you-know-what out of me and the guy. My friends can’t
stand him, and they tell me that I should break up with him, but they don’t understand how
much I love him. What should I do?

Southern Girl

Dear Southern Girl,

You know in your heart that this isn’t a healthy relationship. Do you really want a boyfriend
who calls all the shots and is jealous, possessive, cheating, drunk, controlling, and out of con-
trol? I suggest that you take a hard look at his behaviors—they’re a form of abuse. Your
boyfriend needs professional help to deal with his problems.

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112 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

Ordinarily, I’d encourage you to tell your boyfriend how you feel when he behaves abu-
sively. But in this case, I don’t think he’d listen. Your words might just make him angry, which
could put you in danger.
I agree with your friends—they have your best interests at heart. End this relationship as
soon as possible. Meet your boyfriend in a public place when you tell him that it’s over, and
bring a friend or two with you (so you’re safer). Make a clean break and don’t look back. You
deserve to be treated with much more respect than this guy can give you! I wish you the best.

In friendship,
Terra

He loves me but he hits me

’ Send

Hey Terra,
My boyfriend hits me a lot, even though he really loves me. I know I should break up with him
(even though I love him) and I have, lots of times, but he always gets me to go back with him
by telling me how sorry he is and that he’ll never do it again. But he always does. Last week,
he pushed me really hard against the wall, and I bruised two ribs. I know it was my fault
because I said something about his car, and he got really mad. When my mom asked me what
happened, I lied to her and told her I fell down the steps. How can I get my boyfriend to stop
being so rough?

Tired of Hurting

Dear Tired of Hurting,

This guy hits you and has bruised your ribs—this is abuse! You can’t get your boyfriend to stop
being rough with you; he has to get professional help for that to happen. If you stay with him,
your life and health are in danger. I want you to know that it’s definitely not your fault that
he behaves this way. He has a problem.
I know this is hard to hear, but you need to get out of this relationship before you get
even more seriously hurt. You’re 100 percent right when you say that you need to break up
with him. This time, make it for good.

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 Sex, Unhealthy Romantic Relationships, and Good-byes 113

Tell your mom or another adult you trust the truth—today! Then talk with this adult
about how you can break up with your boyfriend safely. Take precautions by bringing an adult
or some friends with you when you tell him good-bye. Take care.

In friendship,
Terra

SAYING GOOD-BYE
Sometimes you suddenly fall in love and then, just as suddenly, you fall out of
love. Emotions are unpredictable and can change without warning. Even
though your feelings may take you by surprise, you have choices about how you
deal with them. Your inner voice (see pages 6–10) will tell you the right thing
to do.
Most people think relationships end as a result of changing feelings.
Although this is sometimes true, people more often break up because they
aren’t willing to talk about their emotions. Instead of openly communicating,
many people sweep their feelings under the rug. Pretty soon, all the little un-
spoken resentments, hurts, and insecurities create such a lump in the rug that
no one can walk over it without tripping.
So what do you do now? You can’t ignore that growing lump forever! It’s a
good idea to lift up the rug, take a look at all those feelings you’ve been hiding,
and talk about what’s bothering you. Many people do just the opposite, though,
because they figure it’s easier to toss out the rug and get a new one. As a result,
the relationship ends, and one person is left feeling shocked and hurt, while the
other probably feels guilty. And neither person learns much about how to have
a healthy relationship.
Lots of issues can cause lumps (problems) in relationships. These include
disrespect, dishonesty, a lack of trust, and a lack of communication. To avoid
these relationship pitfalls, talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend whenever a conflict
arises. This way, you get things out in the open. Communication can lead to
solutions.
But what if you have talked about the problems and have even tried to solve
them? Maybe you seem to keep arguing about the same old things or you feel
“stuck.” Or maybe your wants and needs have changed, and the relationship

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114 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

isn’t headed in a direction you’re both comfortable with. When this happens, it
may be time to move on, even if you still care about each other.
Breaking up is never easy, because no one wants to be the “bad guy.” Some
people stay in relationships longer than they really want to, just to avoid hav-
ing that awful “good-bye” conversation. I once had a friend who wanted to
break up with her boyfriend. When she started to tell him how she felt, he got
so upset that he began to cry. His tears broke her heart, and she let herself be
talked out of her decision. This couple ended up getting married but, unfortu-
nately, there wasn’t a happy ending. The marriage lasted for only a few years,
and by then, they had a baby daughter. They really didn’t belong together in the
first place, and my friend knew it. They should have broken up, but instead they
got married. The eventual breakup (a divorce) was much more painful than the
original split would have been.
The truth is, all breakups are painful, and hurt feelings are bound to occur.
If one person doesn’t want the relationship to end, he/she is going to feel upset.
Rejection hurts, but the feelings don’t last forever. One way to make a breakup
a little easier is to be honest and sensitive. If you’re the one ending the rela-
tionship, don’t:

• lie about why you’re doing it

• let someone else break the news
• stop talking to your boyfriend/girlfriend, instead of breaking up
• do something to trigger a breakup, like cheating or being abusive
• exaggerate the problems in the relationship to the point where you’ve
convinced yourself that your boyfriend/girlfriend is so awful that you
can’t figure out why the two of you ever got together in the first place

None of these methods is a healthy or fair way to end a relationship. Just

because you’ve had a change of heart doesn’t mean it’s okay to be unkind. And
lying won’t actually “spare” anyone’s feelings (it usually just makes the situa-
tion worse). Your boyfriend/girlfriend deserves to hear the truth. After all, if
someone was breaking up with you, you’d want honesty. If the person were to
simply stop talking to you or to lie, you might always wonder what went wrong.
This can make it much harder to get over a broken heart.

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 Sex, Unhealthy Romantic Relationships, and Good-byes 115

When you’re sure that it’s time to say good-bye, keep these tips in mind:

1. Remember that it takes two to make and break a relationship.

Feelings aren’t completely one-sided in a relationship. If you’re unhappy, for
whatever reason, the other person is probably feeling the same way.

2. Be aware of your feelings. Before you talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend,

identify your feelings. You may feel frustrated, jealous, or trapped. Whatever
feelings you have, they’re yours and they’re valid; you don’t need to make
excuses or apologize for them.

3. Be honest. Once you understand your feelings, communicate them with

your boyfriend/girlfriend. This conversation isn’t about blaming the other per-
son for what he/she did or didn’t do. Depending on the particular issue you’re
dealing with, you might say something like:

“I’m feeling trapped in this relationship. I feel like we spend too much time together,
and there are other things I want to be doing, on my own and with other people. I don’t
want to be your boyfriend/girlfriend anymore.”

“I’m feeling ignored, like my opinions and ideas aren’t all that important to you.
I want to be treated like an equal, and to be with someone who cares about me but
isn’t embarrassed to show it. You’re not the right person for me right now.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m no longer attracted to you in the same way that I used to be. You
have many great qualities, and I had a lot of good times in this relationship. But now
I want to see other people.”

When you speak honestly about your feelings and treat people with sensi-
tivity and respect, you might discover that difficult conversations aren’t as hard
as you had imagined. And when you talk, you might even discover that you both
sensed that the relationship wasn’t working.

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116 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating

I don’t like her as much as I used to

Send

Hey Terra,
I think I might be losing interest in my girlfriend. I’m not sure what it is, but I just don’t like
her as much as I used to. Part of me wants to break up with her, but she’s a really nice
person and I would hate to hurt her. What should I do?

Stumped

Dear Stumped,
You’re pulling away from your girlfriend, but you’re not sure why. Looking at the history of
your feelings might reveal some answers.
Remember the good times that you and your girlfriend had together and how you felt
when you were with her then. You once liked her a lot, or she wouldn’t be your girlfriend.
When did your feelings start changing? Can you pinpoint a particular moment when some-
thing happened between you? It could have been a fight or something your girlfriend said
or did. Maybe at the time you pushed your emotions aside and pretended everything was
fine, but deep down the feelings were still there. Unresolved feelings can put distance
between people.
Talk to your girlfriend honestly and tell her about your changing feelings. Give her a
chance to express her emotions as well. The two of you may still break up, but if you treat
your girlfriend with honesty and respect and let her know how you’re feeling, you both can
learn something important about healthy relationships. Good luck!

In friendship,
Terra

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