Chelsea Kakac

Professor Caroline Reynolds

Eng 1201

11 April 2021

When Pain Meets Pleasure

In modern day society where sexual acceptance and liberation is encouraged amongst

men and women, does there need to be a line drawn? What happens when a person is empowered

by submitting to their partner, dominating their partner, or even inflicting or receiving pain at the

hands of their partner? these acts and other similar acts are performed under the label of

bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism otherwise know as BDSM. The acronym was

officially coined in the 1960’s by Paul Gebhard in an essay that he wrote called “Fetishism and

sadomasochism”. So what happens when we bring in these unconventional and sometimes

violent acts into the bedroom? Is it ethically sound or abuse or self-harm? When taking

something as intimate and complex as sex, and adding components such as power dynamics,

pain play, and punishments. It can definitely be hard to wrap your head around and look down on

it when you have no knowledge on the subject.

Although acts of BDSM weren’t brought into the spotlight for research until the 19th

century and 20th century, these unconventional acts have been around as long as sex itself.

Practices of BDSM such as sadomasochism date back as far as the Mesopotamian era with

works of art portraying the use of whips, eroticism and sometimes violence (Larson, Brooke).

Sadism is the act of receiving erotic pleasure from inflicting pain onto your partner, a term

coined by Marquis De Sade. He was a French author who wrote very violent erotica that goes
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beyond the vulgarity of pornography we view today. Although extremely graphic and

unconventional for its time, his work inspired many people after him to look at his works of

pushing physical limitations of the body and promiscuity as a foundation of empowerment

(Faktorovich, Anna). Within the BDSM community, a sadist would typically match up with a

masochist. Which is a consenting party who gains erotic pleasure from receiving pain. Which

has origins dating back to the middle ages. In early works of Italian philosopher Giovanni

Picco Della Mirandola, he reports on a monk who couldn’t gain pleasure from sexual

encounters without being stimulated by being flogged with a whip saturated in vinegar

(Sartore, Melissa). Acts of sadomasochism are often viewed as therapeutic and a very intimate

experience with a partner. “Putting my trust into my partner and being vulnerable with them

and at their mercy is a way I form connection and trust with my partner, the pain adds a

sensation and is very erotic.”, states Cameryn Drain who identifies as a submissive/masochist

within the BDSM community. What separates healthy masochism from self-harm is the place

and reasoning for the infliction of pain. In cases of self-harm, a party is inflicting pain upon

themselves not because they enjoy it, but because they feel they deserve it. In masochism, it is

when you receive erotic pleasure from the stimulation being conducted.
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From Marquis De Sade's book: 100 Erotic Illustrations.

Although acts of sadomasochism are some key components in acts of BDSM, another

key component to some practices is power exchange, which are often dominant/submission

power dynamics. In practice this is when one partner takes on a dominant role in a scene.

Dominants are the party who leads the submissive, they are in charge and often take a role of

ownership over their submissive. As the submissive, their role is to often submit to their partners

desires and serve them. Dominants tend to receive pleasure from the power they have over their

partner and the submissive receive pleasure from pleasing and serving their partners. Where this

enters some scrutiny is when non-practitioners don’t have knowledge of the negotiations that go

on between the two parties before engaging in play. Although the dominant is taking the lead and

his needs are to be met by the submissive, the submissive is the one who truly holds all the
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power. The submissive negotiates all limits to their submission and when the safe word is used

because their boundaries are nearing, all play stops and the process of aftercare begins. A safe

word is an action or verbal cue that someone’s boundaries are close to being crossed and the act

being conducted must halt. Aftercare is a practice carried out at the end of all BDSM scenes

when the Dominant and Submissive engage in activities to build reassurance and trust that no

boundaries have been crossed and the acts inflicted were done from a place of trust and

compassion, not abuse.

There has been a rise in conversation surrounding acts of BDSM, much of which has

surfaced in the past decade due to kinky erotica. The movie 50 Shades of Grey catapulted the

movement into the spotlight. The movie focuses on a dominant/submissive relationship where

Christian Grey is the dominant and Anastasia Steele is his submissive. The book faces a lot of

criticism in that it is not a true representation of authentic BDSM/kink practice. The key

component of BDSM is consent. During BDSM scenes consent can be withdrawn at any time

with the use of a safe word. Once the safe word is signaled, all acts are immediately ceased, and

the process of aftercare begins. In the 50 Shades series there are many accounts where Anastasia

vocalizes her safe word and Christian disregards and play is still continued. Since using a safe

word is withdrawing all future consent, Christian ignoring this now turns this once consensual

act into nonconsensual abuse. The issue with viral work such as this book opening the

conversation on BDSM/kink practices is that it is not an accurate portrayal of BDSM, It is

domestic violence. Domestic violence is when abusive tactics are used to coerce a partner in an

effort to gain control or power. (U.S. Department of Justice 2011)

not because she wants to submit freely.

When acts of sexual abuse are brought forward, the accused often try to play it off that

the victim involved did consent and when violent tactics are used, try to place these acts under

the label of BDSM to mask sexual abuse hiding under the broad label. In 2014 Jian Ghomeshi, a

CBC radio host in Canada, had a series of sexual assault charges brought forward by 3 women.

The case goes onto describe Ghomeshi participated in acts such as hair pulling, rough sex, and

choking. He was acquitted on all charges based on the conclusion that there was no way to

challenge Ghomeshi’s argument that he only participates in these unconventional acts with

willing and consenting participants.

Another infamous case is that of Toronto serial killer Bruce McArthur. McArthur was

convicted of brutally murdering young Canadian men. He vetted his victims by using gay hook

up apps where BDSM was flourishing. He would then arrange S&M scenes and then surpass

limits that resulted in violent murder. This is a prime example of two men that have blanketed

their abuse and crimes under the label of BDSM to build their defense in court. While Jian

Ghomeshi was acquitted on all charges with his defense of BDSM, Bruce McArthur’s defense

did not hold up in court.

The use of BDSM dynamics and practices in cults or cult-like environments has also

painted a negative depiction of BDSM. One of the most infamous cases is the allegations against

R. Kelly and the accusations that he is running a sex cult within his estate and is isolating women

from their families and abusing them. Countless women have come forward stating that they

were forced to refer to him as certain titles/honorifics such as “Daddy”. The women allege that

Kelly had control over everything in their lives. Basic needs such as food control, bathroom
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privileges, and when and where they could sleep were dictated by Kelly alone. In addition they

also report Kelly had full rights of their bodies sexually and being pressured to perform

dehumanizing sex acts and sometimes group sex. Under practices of BDSM this is within the

realm of acceptable, but only if the terms are mutually agreed upon.

Similarly, Keith Raniere of NXIVM, has been accused of using the organization as a sex

cult with BDSM components. Victims report Raniere isolated them by restricting interactions

and communication with their loved ones. Victims also report being forced into sexual acts with

Raniere and forcibly permanently branded with his initials to establish his ownership of them.

Where permanent scarring is practice within BDSM, the lack of consent and enthusiasm for the

act by the victims makes this an act of abuse instead of BDSM. What separates both of these

cases from being identified as acts of BDSM is the use of manipulation and isolation to gain a

false sense of consent in cult-like environments. In BDSM when one partner tries to isolate

another from friends or family it is automatically a red flag and goes against the Safe, Sane, and

Consensual mantra, specifically safe. People in the realm of BDSM are encouraged to have

points of contact outside of their dynamic to have check ins to be sure that the relationship is not

toxic. Forcing sex or violence onto someone who has not consented to it, and has no way to

express un-comfortability in the situation, isn’t BDSM, it’s assault (Sloan, Kate).

The infamous case of the girl in the box is also deserving of a mention. In 1977, 20 year

old Colleen Stan was kidnapped and held captive by Cameron and Janice Hooker for seven

years. They had forced her to sign a BDSM contract making Colleen their sex slave to do

whatever they wanted to her. These acts included forced bondage, rape and torture. The couple

would keep her in a wooden box under their bed for 23 hours a day, and only let her out for an

hour to torture her and perform acts on her. Colleen had opportunities to leave, but thought she
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was bound to the contract until Janice told her that it wasn’t legally binding so she could escape.

Janice’s cooperation helped her avoid jail time, but Cameron was sentenced to prison for a 104

years for his crimes. In the realm of BDSM, total power exchange dynamics (TPE) can be

present. This is when the submissive gives all power and decision making to their dominant, this

can also be referred to as consensual slavery. Due to coercion and fear being used to gain a false

sense of consent from Colleen, this is not an authentic act of BDSM and is abuse.

What separates abuse from BDSM is consent. Trying to associate sexual assault with

consensual kinky activities is as toxic and off base as comparing rape to consensual sex (Sloan,

Kate). Before engaging in a scene limits, safe words, and conversation are all negotiated between

partners to ensure that no boundaries are crossed, and all parties are comfortable. Players often

follow this mantra of “Safe, Sane and Consensual” to ensure that all play and acts are ethical.

Non-practitioners who are not captivated by kink practices can have a difficulty understanding

how someone can receive pleasure from these unconventional practices that can range from pain,

emotional/physical challenges and other extreme stimuli (Safranova,Valeriya). During a BDSM

scene both parties are also having continuous check ins to ensure that none of the other parties

limits are crossed. It is often believed that the attraction to these types of unconventional

practices are a response to trauma and abuse in childhood or have a struggle with attachment in

personal relationships. However surveys conducted have shown that BDSM practitioners tend to

have more secure attachment styles and report that they had faced more trauma in adulthood as

opposed to childhood. Concluding that BDSM is not always a coping mechanism in response to

childhood trauma (Ten Brink, S).

participants. People involved in BDSM have reported to have stronger relationships, have a

decrease in anxiety, and it can have a healing effect on some people who have experienced

sexual trauma. In instances of sexual trauma, BDSM has helped many survivors reclaim their

sexuality. The use of pre-negotiation, constant check ins, and use of safe words has helped

survivors build trust with a partner and ensure that the sexual encounter is a pleasant experience

and there is no fear of boundaries being crossed (Drain, Cameryn). It is a common

misconception that the dominant holds all the power and control in these sorts of dynamics, the

true power is in the hands of the submissive who is setting all boundaries and expectations that

are not to be crossed. These negotiations and total control of the situation that the submissive has

can be very empowering and why some people who experience trauma can gravitate toward

these submissive roles. The same could also be said of people who face trauma and felt a sense

of powerlessness; gravitating to dominant positions as a way to regain a voice or sense of

authority within themselves. Research has also determined that successful sadomasochistic

scenes between partners also causes a feeling of connectedness and intimacy between partners

(Megatron, Sunny). The effects on stress levels has positive impact as well, studies have

concluded that people in dominant/submissive relationships experience lower levels of stress

hormones after a session.

In an interview with Vice News one couple touched on the healing effects of BDSM. Both

partners both had experienced past trauma and use BDSM practices to strengthen their

relationship. This has led to their ability to overcome their personal trauma, and grow as a

couple. The couple uses knife play, which is the practice of using knives, to evoke a erotic

response. Steph, who is the dominant in their relationship shares that he was in an abusive
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relationship where knives were once a triggering item for him, but with the use of consensual

knife play with his current partner he has been able to overcome his fear and triggers (Using

BDSM to Cope With Trauma, VICE). Being able to take back a part of you that has been taken

or violated and open up with a partner about what you are and aren’t comfortable with and

knowing that your limits are respected and listened to can be transformative (Barrett-Ibarria,

Sofia).

In conclusion, the ethicality of BDSM cannot be debated or negotiated. Authentic acts of

BDSM/kink cannot be argued because these acts performed within the realm of BDSM are not

executed without enthusiastic consent and intense negotiations. What separates these acts and

practices from abuse and violence is consent, therefore making BDSM a safe and healthy outlet

to express sexuality and intimacy. When any component of these parameters are violated, such as

when safe words are disregarded and acts are continued, BDSM acts are introduced and resort to

nonconsensual violent acts, or when manipulation and coercion tactics are used to gain a false

sense of consent from a party. These are not considered authentic acts of BDSM and are in fact

abuse. Although it can be hard to understand the draw to these unconventional and sometimes

violent acts and tie them to something as complex as intimacy or sex, BDSM is an ethical,

therapeutic and empowering practice that can’t be looked down upon or judged from a stance of

morality.
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Works Cited

Bennett, Theodore. “A Fine Line Between Pleasure and Pain: Would Decriminalising BDSM Permit

Nonconsensual Abuse?” Liverpool Law Review: A Journal of Contemporary Legal and Social

Policy Issues, 2020, p. 1. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1007/s10991-020-09268-7.

Borogoves, Mimsy, and Vagabond. “BDSM Resources.” Bound Together, 21 June 2020, bound-

together.net/bdsm-resources/. Accessed 28 Feb. 2021.

Correa, Carla. “A Timeline of the Nxivm Sex Cult Case.” The New York Times, The New York

Times, 26 Oct. 2020, www.nytimes.com/article/nxivm-timeline.html. 

De Sade, Marquis. MARQUIS DE SADE: 100 Erotic Illustrations. GOLIATH Books, 2018. 

“Domestic Violence.” Archived | OJP Fact Sheet: Domestic Violence, Nov. 2011,

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“Kidnapped, Locked in Coffin and Raped for 7 Years: Woman Recalls Torture.” Deccan Chronicle, 9

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