Effective Counseling

Instructor: Greg Mohr

Table of Contents

Lesson 1 – Scriptural Foundation...................................................... 1

Lesson 2 – Biblical Model of Counseling ............................................. 5
Lesson 3 – The Pitfalls of Counseling .............................................. 10
Lesson 4 – Premarital Counseling – Part I ....................................... 15
Lesson 5 – Premarital Counseling – Part II ...................................... 18
Lesson 6 – Premarital Counseling – Part III ..................................... 26
Lesson 7 – Premarital Counseling – Part IV...................................... 35
Lesson 8 – Premarital Counseling – Part V ....................................... 40

Note: Lesson outlines have been aligned to coordinate with video teaching.
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 1

Lesson 1 – Scriptural Foundation

I. Scriptural Foundation

A. Isaiah 11:2 – One of the primary aspects of Jesus’ ministry and

subsequently ours is the Spirit of ___________ upon Him.

1. As the Father sent Jesus, He also has sent us. – John

20:21

B. Isaiah 9:6 – One of Jesus’ names is Counselor

1. Each of us is created in His image.

2. We have the ___________ in us and available to us.

3. None of us is exempt from the ministry of counseling.

II. Essential Keys to Effective Counseling

A. Consider all counseling as part of the process of ___________.

1. Matthew 28:19-20 – “Go therefore and make disciples of

all the nations…teaching them to observe all things that I
have commanded you…”

2. Every time we impart Godly counsel from the Word to

someone we are involved in helping that person become a
disciple of Jesus whether we tell them that specifically or
not.

3. We can only truly help people to the degree they are

willing to follow Jesus and His ___________.

1 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 1

B. Be firm, but gentle, and not ___________. – II Timothy 2:24

1. We rarely influence people for good or win them to the

Lord and His ways through arguments.

2. You can disagree with people without being disagreeable.

3. Pride is the source of all ___________. – Proverbs 13:10

C. Be ___________ with people. – II Timothy 2:24

1. Don’t give up on folks or allow yourself to weary in well

doing in your ministry to others. – Galatians 6:9

2. God has never given up on you and me.

3. Don’t write folks off or cease to ___________ for them

because they haven’t come around yet.

4. I Samuel 12:23 – “…far be it from me that I should

___________ against the Lord in ceasing to pray for you…”

5. Many times, it is our prayer on behalf of an unrepentant

one that will bring kingdom influence to bear in their life
and result in Christ being formed in them. – Galatians 4:19

D. In ___________ correcting those who are in opposition (to God,

His Word, and His ways).

1. Pride and condescension hinders people hearing the truth

and coming to repentance.

2. Be always ready to give an answer of the hope in you with

an attitude of meekness and respect toward the seeker. – I
Peter 3:15

3. Humility also involves total ___________ upon God in

ministering His Word through counsel to others.

2 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 1

4. James 4:6 – God gives grace to the humble.

5. In every ministry opportunity we absolutely need God’s

grace to minister effectively to others in the Spirit of
counsel.

E. In ___________

1. I Peter 4:8 – “love will cover a multitude of sins.”

2. If you are ever going to be used consistently to minister to

others it requires a commitment not to expose their
___________.

3. Gossip and tale bearing will hinder your ministry and keep
people and God from trusting you with hurting people.

4. In the following situations it is not appropriate to commit

confidentiality in counsel to an individual:

a. Do not commit to young people to keep information

from their ___________ .

b. Do not commit to keep information from an

individual’s pastor or spiritual leaders.

c. Do not commit to keep information from

___________ ___________ when a crime has been
committed or when someone’s life or welfare is at
risk – including the individual you are counseling.

F. In a commitment to not ___________ people after the

___________.

1. II Corinthians 5:16-17 – It is impossible to help people

realize their new creation potential while identifying them
after their flesh tendencies, weaknesses, and past sins.

3 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 1

2. I Samuel 16:7 – “…man looks at the outward appearance,

but the Lord looks at the heart.”

3. If we are ever going to mine the treasure of God’s potential

in people we must take on His ___________ of them.

G. In a commitment not to ___________ what the answer is

1. It is not wise to have preconceived ideas about how to

resolve a situation before you spend time with them and
God.

2. I Corinthians 4:4-5 – “Judge nothing before the time.”

3. Proverbs 18:13 – “He who answers a matter before he

hears it, it is folly and shame to him.”

H. Help them take ___________.

1. James 1:22-23 – Doers of the Word, not hearers only are

blessed.

2. Give the person/persons some ___________ to do to

prove they are coming to you for personal change and
growth and not just your time and attention.

3. Goal: that they may recover themselves from the snare of

the devil and subsequently help others to do the same. – II
Timothy 2:26

4 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 2

Lesson 2 – Biblical Model of Counseling

I. Biblical Model of Counseling

A. ___________ people and build a relationship with them.

1. God builds His kingdom through revelation and

relationship.

2. People do not care what you know until they know you
___________.

3. Ephesians 4:15 – It is the truth spoken in ___________

that causes people to grow and mature in their relationship
with God.

B. Give people the ___________.

1. John 8:31-32 – Abiding in the Word and knowing the truth

is what causes people to be set free and become disciples.

2. II Timothy 2:24-26 – It is the acknowledging of the truth

that recovers people from the snare of the devil.

3. People do not need your ___________ or your _________

about their situation. They need the Word!

C. Follow the ___________.

1. Romans 8:14 – “For as many as are led by the Spirit of

God, these are sons of God.”

2. Example: Jesus with the woman at the well in John 4:4-26

5 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 2

3. Isaiah 50:4 – It is a word ___________ – by the leading of

the Spirit – that ministers to the weary.

4. Words “in season” build people up and encourage them.

5. Words “out of season” do not bless people – usually

legalistic and condemning, motivated by pride – we want
others to know what we know.

6. I Corinthians 8:1 – “…Knowledge ___________, but love

edifies.”

II. The Stages of Counseling

A. ___________

1. James 1:19 – “let every man be swift to hear, slow to

speak, slow to wrath.”

2. God gave each of us two ears and one mouth. – Selah!

3. An effective counselor learns to listen to the individual and

to the ___________ ___________.

4. Don’t attempt to give an answer until you have taken time

to listen intently and completely.

5. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you and the individual what the
___________ is and through what life experience or lie
they believed it gained entrance into their lives.

B. ___________

1. Jesus asked a lot of questions to help people locate

themselves spiritually.

2. Ask the individual to spend time in prayer before you get

with them to seek God about what their perspective is on

6 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 2

the root problem and what part they have ___________ to

the problem.

C. ___________ – II Timothy 2:25

1. There comes a time you can no longer help someone by

giving them your attention and listening to them talk about
their problem.

2. You have earned the right to speak into their lives by

___________ to them first, loving them, and giving them
your time.

3. James 1:22 – A hearer of the Word only will remain

deceived.

4. Don’t facilitate deception in people by withholding

___________ from God’s Word they need to act on to be
set free.

III. Benefits of Christian Counseling

A. ___________, protection, and accountability

1. Proverbs 11:14 – “Where there is no counsel, the people

fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”

2. A primary purpose for your counsel to others is to prevent

them from falling – into temptation and away from the
Lord.

3. Hebrews 3:13 – “but exhort one another daily, while it is

called ‘Today,’ lest any of you be hardened through the
deceitfulness of sin.”

B. Imparts ___________

7 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 2

1. Proverbs 12:15 – “…he who heeds counsel is wise.”

2. Proverbs 13:20 – “He who walks with wise men will be

wise.”

C. Victory in spiritual ___________

1. Proverbs 24:6 – “For by wise counsel you will wage your

own ___________, and in a multitude of counselors there
is safety.”

2. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 – “Two are better than one, because

they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall,
one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone
when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.”

3. We are much stronger and better prepared to face spiritual

battles when we receive the perspective of another through
counsel and/or relationship.

D. Brings ___________ to men’s hearts

1. Proverbs 27:9 – “Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart:

so does the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty
counsel.”

2. When you are able to help a friend get through a

___________ time with the help of your counsel it brings
great joy to you and them.

E. God’s ___________ and destiny for people are both discovered

and established.

1. Proverbs 15:22 – “Without counsel purposes are

disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are
established.”

8 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 2

2. Wise counsel helps us ___________ between God’s

spiritual purpose for us and the agenda of our flesh.

F. Revelation, repentance, ___________, and freedom

1. II Timothy 2:24-26 – “…that they may come to their

senses and escape the snare of the devil…”

2. Remember, no matter how powerfully God uses you to be

an instrument of freedom for others, always be careful to
give Him all the ___________ and ___________.

G. ___________ of Jesus are developed.

1. II Timothy 2:2 – “And the things that you have heard from
me among many witnesses, commit these to faithful men
who will be able to teach others also.”

2. Our primary goal in ministry – including counseling – is to

bear much fruit. – John 15:1-8

3. Bearing fruit is the result of ___________ in Him and

___________ yourself through others.

9 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 3

Lesson 3 – The Pitfalls of Counseling

I. Emotional Connection with the ___________ ___________

A. I Corinthians 10:12 – “Therefore let him who thinks he stands

take heed lest he fall.”

1. There are greater, stronger, and more mature men and

women than you and I who have fallen to the “winking
eye” and the deceptive longing look.

2. Be cautious of allowing yourself to be drawn in to meet the

emotional needs of the opposite sex through counseling
they should only be receiving from their ___________ and
the ___________.

3. You are NOT anyone’s savior!

4. Realize that people are drawn together spiritually and

emotionally through the ministry of the Word, counsel, and
prayer.

B. Beware of any individual of the opposite sex who talks with you
about a problem they are having with their mate or volunteers
___________ details of their marriage relationship.

1. RUN, don’t walk from that situation.

2. I Corinthians 6:18 – Flee sexual immorality.

10 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 3

3. I Thessalonians 5:22 – Abstain from all appearance of evil

– that includes no ___________ counseling with the
opposite sex.

4. Proverbs 7:26 tells us the seductress cast down many

___________.

5. Notice it didn’t say she wounded many.

6. Wounded souls are those most ___________ to the

enemy’s attempts to exploit their sexuality.

7. Whenever we go through times of rejection, betrayal, or

relational conflict it is important to guard our hearts from
temptations with the opposite sex.

II. Human ___________

A. Spiritual hypochondriacs who have never been weaned off the

bottle still exist in the church today.

B. Some character traits of these type of people:

1. They usually are blame shifters.

2. They tend to ___________ their disobedience and

___________ their responsibility to heed your counsel
because of their unique circumstances, abuse, violation, or
hurt.

3. They desire your attention more than being attentive to

the Word you give them in counsel.

4. They usually have a distinct “___________” in their voice.

C. Our goal in counsel is NOT to leave people depending on other

people, including us, the counselors.

11 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 3

1. Our ultimate goal is to see people transformed and place

their ___________ completely in the Lord.

2. Guard against ministering to others out of a need to be

___________.

3. You can usually test whether people want answers or

attention by giving them an assignment from the Word –
something to act on in line with your counsel.

4. Important note: Always write down the Scriptures you give

them along with the assignment. Date it and place in a file.

5. Remember to: “warn those who are unruly, comfort the

fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all.” – I
Thessalonians 5:14

III. Taking Other’s ___________ Upon Yourself

A. It is very easy to get into unbelief, worry, and agreement with

how big someone’s problem is.

1. O, the tangled webs some people weave.

2. If you and I stay focused on their problem we will never be

able to help them.

3. Worry and human ___________ will not help anyone.

B. Point people to Jesus and the greatness of God.

1. Direct them to give their ___________ to the Lord.

2. Have them read I Peter 5:7; Psalms 55:22; Matthew

11:28-30

3. There is a balance between supporting them in their walk

with God and doing it for them – Galatians 6:2, 5

12 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 3

C. Vital revelation: “You and I are not ___________”

1. Commend them to the Word of His grace and trust God to

work in their lives after counsel – Acts 20:32

2. Their burden belongs to the Lord, not ___________!

IV. ___________ When People Go Their Own Way and Don’t

Heed Your Counsel

A. Example: Jesus and the rich, young ruler – Mark 10:22

1. He was sad at Jesus’ saying and went away grieved.

2. Jesus didn’t ___________ him!

3. What do you and I do in such cases?

B. Matthew 15:12 – Jesus wasn’t worried that the Word He taught

___________ or hurt their feelings. Are you?

C. John 6:66 – “From that time many of His disciples went back and
walked with Him no more.”

1. Jesus to the twelve: “Do you also want to go away?”

2. He gave them an out to follow the others without receiving

personal rejection.

3. Though the twelve remained, all of Jesus’ disciples did not

___________ His counsel.

4. Who are you and I to think all will heed our counsel?

5. Jesus didn’t allow their rejection of His Word to move Him

into fear, intimidation, or ___________.

V. Casting Your ___________ Before ___________

13 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 3

A. Matthew 7:6 – This is a reference to those with uncircumcised

ears.

1. Be ___________ about precious truths and revelation you

have received from the Lord.

2. Not everyone is ready to hear it and not everyone will

value it.

3. Learn to be sensitive to the Spirit and selective about who

you share precious and ___________ things with.

4. There are some details of your life and personal struggles

that some young Christians can not handle at the present.

5. Be careful who you share your ___________ and heart’s

desires with.

6. Don’t let the world or the media in on family matters.

14 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 4

Lesson 4 – Premarital Counseling – Part I

I. Conditions for Performing a Marriage Ceremony

A. Commitment by the couple to participate in 5-6 sessions of

___________ counseling.

1. This includes long time relationships and family members.

2. This means a commitment to perform no quick marriages

or elopements.

3. Do not yield to pressure by anyone to make ___________.

B. Couple has to have known each other at least ___________.

1. A and B prevent a couple from getting married “in heat.”

2. If they threaten to go to the justice of the peace,

___________ them but do not perform their ceremony.

3. Tell them, “if you must get married, get married, but I am
committed to follow God’s instructions to me to help you
make a wise and accurate decision with the second most
important decision you will make in your life.

C. Each of them must commit to make Jesus ___________ of their

marriage relationship.

1. This is not possible if He is not Lord of each of their lives

individually – if they are not born again.

2. This means making a commitment to make Jesus the

center of their marriage and to place His Word as the

15 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 4

highest ___________ in their decisions, how they relate to

one another, and how they treat one another.

3. It is easy to lead people to the Lord at this point in the first

counseling session.

4. Tell them their marriage cannot work successfully without

Jesus at the center of their marriage and this is not
possible until He is Lord of each of their lives.

5. I Corinthians 7:39 – Condition for marriage or re-marriage:

“only in the ___________.”

D. Each of them must be ready to make a __________ commitment

to one another.

1. No trial marriage or plan B or vows that say something

like, “As long as our love shall last.”

2. Ask each of them question, “Do you know in your heart

this is the person for you and are ready to commit to them
for life?

E. Fact finding and ___________.

1. Has either of them been married before?

2. If so, how long ago and what was the cause of the divorce
from their perspective?

3. Do they have ___________ from a previous marriage?

4. If so, what are their ages and the amount of time they
spend with each parent?

5. Did either of their parents experience divorce?

6. How long have each of them known the Lord? Each other?

16 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 4

7. Do each of them attend church regularly? If so where?

8. Ask each of them about their church background?

9. Ask each of them to tell you about their ___________,

their relationship with their parents, and how they would
describe their family.

10. Ask each of them to tell you something about their work
history – how many jobs have they had and how long is
the average time they stay at a job.

11. Ask each of them to describe their financial condition at the

present.

12. How much ___________ do each of them have?

II. Receive Detailed Information from Them on Their Wedding

Ceremony Plans

A. What is the ___________ and have they scheduled that with

appropriate person at the church?

1. How does that date fit with your (pastor/minister)

schedule?

2. When is the rehearsal scheduled?

3. Is there a rehearsal dinner and are you expected to be

there?

B. Have they met with assigned person in the church who can talk
to them about various ___________ of the wedding?

17 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 5

Lesson 5 – Premarital Counseling – Part II

I. Receive Detailed Information from Them on Their Wedding

Ceremony Plans

A. What is the ___________ and have they scheduled that with

appropriate person at the church?

1. How does that date fit with your (pastor/minister)

schedule?

2. When is the rehearsal scheduled?

3. Is there a rehearsal dinner and are you expected to be

there?

B. Have they met with assigned person in the church who can talk
to them about various ___________ of the wedding?

1. Building rental, pianist, special singer, sound technicians,

set- up and clean-up people, etc.

2. What are their ___________ plans?

3. Weddings are a ton of work on you and your staff!

4. We did not charge for building rental for members but did
charge to pay for staff or members who did various
services for a wedding.

a. Some people will expect you to charge them

nothing.

18 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 5

b. It is best to assign a wedding ___________ to meet

with the couple and include their time as part of the
wedding costs.

5. You must list these costs and give them to the prospective
bride and groom before committing to do the wedding at
your church.

6. You have to decide ahead of time if you will allow weddings

in your church building by those who are not __________,
not Christians, or if you are not performing the wedding.

7. You also have to decide if the receptions are held at your

church whether you are OK with dancing or alcohol at the
church and make those policies clear up front.

C. Find out from the couple (the bride) who will be in ___________
of the ceremony.

1. You don’t need 4 or 5 directors at a wedding rehearsal –

recipe for disaster.

2. Usually the bride’s mother is this person but don’t assume

this.

3. Sometimes they desire the minister or pastor to direct

things.

4. You can offer the wedding coordinator as an option for this.

D. Find out if the couple wants anything ___________ in their

ceremony: communion, unity candle, special songs, unique vows,
video, etc.

E. Homework: ask the couple to each write out the five most
important priorities in their lives without communicating with
each other about it and bring it with them the next session.

19 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 5

II. Love in Marriage

A. There are many different ___________ to the English word love.

1. I love God. I love my wife. I love my children. I love my

dog. I love ice cream. I love to shop. I love to hunt, I love
to teach, etc.

2. If you love ice cream or your dog on the same level as you
love God, “Houston, we have a problem!”

3. Real love is a ___________.

4. Example of marriage vows – “As long as we both shall

live.”

5. New flesh vows – “As long as our love shall last.”

6. The kind of commitment you make will determine the

__________ of relationship you will have in your marriage.

a. Example of Janice repeating some worldly advice she

had heard to me, “Well I guess we can try this out
(marriage) and if it doesn’t work we can still be
friends.”

b. Example of poem of uncommitted boy to his

sweetheart, “I would climb the highest mountain and
swim the deepest sea for you, sweetheart. P.S. I will
see you Saturday evening if it doesn’t rain.”

7. Your priorities reveal what you are ___________ to most.

8. That is why I asked you to write down your five greatest

priorities in order of importance to you. We will talk about
that after we see the different levels of love in marriage.

20 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 5

B. Four levels of love in marriage.

1. ___________ – Unconditional love. A love based on the

character of the one loving, regardless of the response of
the one loved.

a. It is the ability to see people the way God sees them

– valuable and precious – even when they are not
acting the part or reciprocating in kind.

b. Ephesians 5:25 – “Husbands love (agape) your

wives, even as Christ also loved (agape) the church,
and gave himself for it.”

c. Jesus loved the church unconditionally, independent

and ___________ of our response to Him.

d. John 3:16 – “For God so loved the world that He

gave…”

e. Real love, agape love, the kind of love that makes a

marriage last gives without demanding a response.

f. Agape love remains committed even when your

spouse is having a “bad hair day.”

g. This is the kind of love that will get you through the
___________ times and keep you from bailing out
of your marriage relationship when you don’t feel “in
love” like you did during your courting or
honeymoon stage.

2. ___________ – Friendship, Example: the root word of

Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love.

21 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 5

a. This kind of love is a give and take love – a love

based on what we see in a person that gives us
pleasure.

b. “You scratch my back and I will scratch yours.”

c. “We like the same kind of movies, restaurants, enjoy

the same hobby; we both like to ride bikes, take
walks or work out together, etc.”

d. Phileo must have __________ or reciprocal response

to stay alive. Agape does not!

3. ___________ – To cherish affectionately (Strong’s #794)

a. Involves affection, hugging, and/or kissing.

b. This kind of love is a product of consistent phileo

love between two people of the opposite sex over a
period of time.

4. ___________ – Sexual attraction

a. Where we get the word “erotic.”

b. This is a product of phileo plus stergo between two

people of the opposite sex over a period of time.

c. Phileo + Stergo – ___________ = Eros

d. Agape love is the ability to see another as valuable

and precious even when you receive no present or
temporary benefit.

e. Agape love – a commitment to love another

regardless of their response – is the only way to
keep sex out of the relationship before marriage.

22 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 5

f. A marriage without agape will last only as long as

the friendship, pleasure, affection, and sex fulfill
you.

g. Your marriage commitment must run ___________

than that!

h. When the kisses grow cold, the sex gets old, and the
dinner is full of mold, you must have a higher level
of love and commitment to see you through.

i. Many marriages end in divorce because they got

married in heat and their commitment was only
___________ deep.

j. People in the world attempt to build marriage on the

lowest level of love.

k. A strong marriage includes all four levels of love.

l. If all other levels of love are gone in your marriage,

you can change that with __________ – _________
love.

m. John 3:16 – “For God so loved that He gave

(agape)…”

n. Ephesians 5:2, 25 – We are commanded to love (our

spouse) as Jesus loves us – unconditional
commitment.

o. I Corinthians 13:8 – Love never ___________.

p. If our marriage relationship is failing it is a love

failure!

23 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 5

III. Priorities in Marriage – Ask the couple to individually compare the

following list with the homework assignment you gave each of them
from the first pre-marital counseling session.

A. Relationship with ___________.

1. Genesis 2:7-18 – God had a relationship with man before

he created a wife for him.

2. Jesus must always remain our ___________ love. –

Revelation 2:4-5

B. Relationship with ___________.

1. Genesis 2:18-23 – The being God says is appropriate for

man is woman – his wife.

2. Your mate is ___________ in your life – not your job,

career, ministry, children, dog, cat, or hobby.

3. God told your children to leave one day, but not your
mate. – Genesis 2:24

C. Relationship with ___________.

1. Until you have children #4 priority will take the place of

#3, #5 will take the place of #4 and so on.

2. Your children are the most valuable and precious

relationships you have after the Lord and your spouse.

3. People, especially your family, are all you can take to

heaven with you.

D. ___________, ___________, or ministry (as it relates to taking

care of #2 and #3 on your priority list).

24 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 5

1. II Thessalonians 3:10; I Timothy 5:8 – God commands us

to work and to provide for those of our own household.

E. Relationship with ___________.

1. ___________ take the biggest hit on the priority list after

you are married.

2. Momma doesn’t normally like to take this lower place in

your life and new priority list.

3. Let momma ___________!

4. Genesis 2:24 – Leave and cleave!

5. If you are not ready to leave you are not ready to cleave.

6. Do not move close to momma.

7. Do not call momma every day.

8. Make this new relationship the priority.

9. Ask the couple if each of them is ready to do that.

10. Ask each of them if they have any concerns related to their
future ___________ to express them now.

25 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 6

Lesson 6 – Premarital Counseling – Part III

I. Priorities in Marriage

A. Relationship with ___________ and extended family members.

1. Ask the couple to talk about each of their closest or best

friends.

2. Ask each of them to express any concerns they have about

the amount of time each of them spend with or talking to
their closest friends, or the kinds of activities they do with
these friends.

3. Have they decided how that will change or remain after

they are married?

B. ___________, ___________, or pleasures.

1. What are their hobbies and how much time do each of

them spend on those now?

2. Our priorities reveal what we ___________ most.

3. Anytime one of these priorities gets out of line it always

attempts to go to the top.

4. Whatever we allow to go to the top can cause us to lose

every other priority in between.

5. If you keep your priorities in order you can have and enjoy
them all. Set your schedule by your priorities.

6. Ask them to show you their list and compare it to this list.

26 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 6

7. Ask each of them to give ___________ to their

fiancé/future spouse to help them evaluate their priorities
on regular basis.

C. Assignment: Write a comprehensive list of all the expectations

you have of marriage and your mate – spiritual and practical –
and do not show it to each other until the next session.

II. Communicating ___________

A. Proverbs 13:12 – “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when
the desire comes, it is a tree of life.”

B. Unfulfilled expectations produce ___________ and problems in

marriage.

1. Good communication will head off and resolve these

problems.

2. It is unfair to expect your mate to fulfill expectations you

have not ___________ with them.

3. Most men are not very good at reading minds and they do
“aim to please” if they know.

4. Ask the couple to each give you their assignment to review

to evaluate if their expectations of marriage are realistic or
not.

5. After reviewing each of their lists share with them how

their expectations line up with the Word and then give
their list of expectations to their fiancé.

6. I then tell each of them, “Your number one assignment in

this marriage relationship is to ___________ your mate in
fulfilling these expectations.”

27 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 6

7. I also tell them that you will be tempted to serve your

mate by trying to meet needs they don’t have but you do.

8. Whenever you do that you are scratching someplace

he/she doesn’t itch.

9. Joke: “Why did it take three cub scouts to help a little old
lady across the street? She didn’t want to go.”

10. Moral of the story – make sure you are serving your mate
in ways he/she want to be served!

11. Finally, I tell each of them, “It is not your responsibility to

hold your mate accountable to fulfill these expectations. It
is your sole mission to passionately devote yourself to
becoming the mate that your spouse needs.

C. It is time to stop focusing on our needs and our rights, get off
auto-pilot and start intentionally ___________ our marriage
relationship.

1. Are you consistently feeding your marriage or is it on auto-

pilot – only give attention when warning signals go off?

III. What Wives Want

A. Her husband to love her and ___________ her as a person –

Ephesians 5:25

1. She wants to be verbally affirmed and appreciated often by

her man.

2. She is washed from feelings of unworthiness and insecurity

by your words of love and grace. – Ephesians 5:26; 4:29

28 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 6

3. Help her to recognize her gifts and talents by __________

words that places value on the things she does for you and
others.

4. She does not want to be taken for granted!

5. Tell her you love her and value her daily.

B. ___________

1. She was created to be a helper to complete us and to

companion with us. – Genesis 2:18, 20

2. Husbands, you must make time to cultivate that friendship

and companionship.

3. In the same way you want to know that she wants to be

with you physically, she wants to know that you want to
spend time with her on a friendship and ___________
level.

a. That means you have to guard against focusing on

something else while spending time with her.

4. If you want intimacy as a man defines it – sex – then

invest in intimacy as a woman defines it.

5. The #1 fear women have is ___________.

6. Share enough detail about your job, your day, etc. that she
feels a part of what you are doing instead of apart –
___________.

7. Show interest in something your wife is really passionate

about.

29 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 6

a. Showing interest in something that matters to

someone you love produces maturity in you and
growth in the relationship.

b. It also adds value to her and helps her feel

connected to you.

8. Schedule friendship development time and date time on

your calendar.

C. Her husband to take ___________ in the home. – Ephesians

5:22-23

1. Set the example in attitude, honor, and humility.

2. That includes being willing to apologize and accept

responsibility for a mistake, harsh words, or a bad
decision.

3. Real spiritual leadership is servant leadership.

4. That includes you taking the initiative to do the dishes, put

the kids to bed, and picking up after yourself once in a
while.

5. It also involves you arranging child care and ___________

for one of your dates from time to time.

6. A leader will protect his wife by dealing with stressful

issues with his side of the family or other family stress
points.

a. If a restaurant doesn’t prepare her food right, you

take care of it.

30 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 6

7. Lead from a heart to serve, love, and protect your family,

making decisions in their ___________, rather than from a
place of trying to protect your position of authority.

D. To know that her husband finds her ___________.

1. Song 2:2; 4:1 – The king praising the beauty of his wife.

2. In our image driven society, we need to reaffirm to our

wives often how beautiful they are to us.

3. ___________ her often on her attraction to you, things

she does, and what she means to you.

4. This imparts grace – the power to become – to her and

washes her from negative perspective. – Ephesians 4:29;
5:26

5. As much as anything else this is a tangible way to

_________ or make deposits in your marriage relationship.

E. ___________ security

1. Ephesians 5:29 – Nourish: feed or provide for

2. You are the vessel that God has chosen to provide for your
wife and family.

3. I Timothy 5:8 – God has equipped and graced you to be

the channel that He would supply your family’s needs
through.

4. Look to God, not your employer, your salary, parents, in-

laws, or wife’s salary to meet your financial needs. –
Ephesians 6:6-8

IV. What Husbands Need

31 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 6

A. ___________ – Ephesians 5:33

1. Always hold him in high honor and regard. – I Peter 3:1-2

2. Never expose his weaknesses before others or throw them

in his face as a manipulative tactic to get your way.

3. Don’t try to change him – praise his good traits and

overlook and/or pray for the others.

B. Protection from ___________ – I Corinthians 7:2-5

1. The physical relationship is not unspiritual – God created it.

2. Wives, one of the best ways to feed your marriage

relationship is to willingly fulfill him by being passionate
and communicate your desire for him in the physical
relationship. – Proverbs 5:19

C. ___________ at home.

1. Don’t make him guess – tell him what you want.

2. It’s easy to assume that the person who lives with you
should know what you want. Not always true.

3. Most of us view the world through our own needs and

desires, so don’t be surprised if your husband thinks that
what you want is what he would want. If you want
something tell him!

4. After you tell him don’t ___________ him about it. – I

Peter 3:1-2

5. Proverbs 21:9 – “Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop,

than in a house shared with a contentious woman.”

32 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 6

6. Make your home the ___________ from the storm, not the
storm.

7. You can usually tell how a couple is doing by whether the

husband wants to go home after work.

8. Allow your husband free time at home to unwind before

dumping all of the days’ problems on him.

D. Encouragement and ___________ – Ephesians 4:29

1. The number one fear of men is the fear of failure and the
___________ associated with it.

2. No matter what disappointment or rejection he is facing he

is much better prepared to face it with your complete
support.

3. He needs to know and hear from the person he values

most in his life, “I believe in you. You can do it!”

4. Determine always to be your husband’s #1 fan and

supporter.

5. Always build him up with your words and express

appreciation for him and the things he does for you and
the family often.

6. Warning: If we are not feeding and making consistent

deposits in our marriage relationship, our marriage mobile
can end up broken down on the side of life’s highway.

7. Galatians 6:7-9 – Do not be deceived – no deposits, no

returns.

E. Assignment: Meditate on Ephesians 4:29-32; 5:22-33; I Peter

3:1-10 and be prepared to share what God showed you through

33 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 6

these passages at the next session. Also bring a written

description of how you plan to deal with differences in your
relationship.

34 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 7

Lesson 7 – Premarital Counseling – Part IV

I. Communication in Marriage

A. Scripture references for communication:

1. Romans 15:5-6 – “Now may the God of patience and

comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another,
according to Christ Jesus, that you may with one mind and
one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus
Christ.”

2. I Corinthians 1:10 – “Now I plead with you, brethren, by

the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all speak the
___________ thing, and that there be no ___________
among you, but that you be perfectly joined together in
the same mind and in the same judgment.”

3. Philippians 2:2-3 – “fulfill my joy by being likeminded,

having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit,
but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than
himself.”

4. Communication (one language) produces ___________. –

Genesis 11:6

5. Lack of communication separated them. – Genesis 11:7-9

6. This is also the cause of ___________ and divorce today in

marriage.

35 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 7

7. God intends that your mate be your best friend, not

someone else – one you can share intimate details of your
life with.

8. Important to make your marriage relationship a priority on

your schedule: daily for ______________ communication
and weekly for special date night.

B. When you communicate, ______ _______ you say things is

important.

1. Communication is 10% words, 35% tone of voice, and

55% non-verbal (example: rolling of eyes, folding arms, or
hands on hips with a sigh).

2. Ephesians 4:29 – “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your

mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it
may impart grace to the hearers.”

3. Avoid ___________ and ___________ – “You always do

that,” or “You are never on time,” or “You should have
remembered this.”

4. Rather be honest with your mate about how something

they did or said made you feel and then appeal to them for
their help.

5. Speak to your mate in a way you want to be spoken to. –

Luke 6:31

6. James 1:19 – “Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to

wrath.”

7. Focus on ___________ more than on being __________.”

8. Affirm positives about your mate – praise motivates!

36 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 7

9. Do all you can to making your home the harbor from the
storm and not the storm.

C. How to deal with ___________ – Read the written assignments

about dealing with differences from each of them.

1. Ask each party to describe how they respond to conflict.

2. Do they hibernate or lash out?

3. Are they a ___________ or a ___________?

4. Don’t go to parents or in-laws with problems in your

marriage – leave and cleave!

5. They are not objective enough to give you ___________

counsel.

6. When you disagree with your mate take some time to pray
and “cool off” so you can respond in the spirit rather than
react in the flesh.

7. Be willing to change. Don’t try to prove you are right.

8. You can either be ___________ or ___________.

9. If after a time of prayer, you are still not in agreement and

a decision has to be made, the wife submits to her
husband and he accepts the responsibility for the decision.
– Ephesians 5:22-24

10. It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable.

11. Our prayers are hindered when we fail to make an effort to

understand our mate and walk together as heirs of the
grace of life. – I Peter 3:7

37 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 7

D. Ephesians 4:26-27; Colossians 3:18-19 – An important principle

to building a healthy marriage relationship is setting the
boundaries of communication, especially when you are in
___________.

1. In other words, setting the terms for “fighting fair”

II. Important Keys to Fighting Fair in Your Marriage

Relationship:

A. Agree on the rules ___________.

B. Live and fight by the rule of ___________. – I Corinthians 13:4-

8; Matthew 7:12

C. Examples of rules that fit the golden rule:

1. No yelling

2. No name calling or ___________

3. No threats

4. No use of the ___________ word

5. No mention of past failures as ammunition

6. No ___________ allowed while you are angry

7. No comparing your mate with others

8. No ___________ is allowed

9. Fighting in front of the children is not allowed

10. No ___________ allowed – “you always…” or “you never…”

D. Agree with your mate ahead of time how to respond if one of the
rules are broken.

38 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 7

E. When you break a rule ___________ immediately.

F. Live in the spirit of forgiveness.

G. Appeal to your mate for their help rather than ___________

them or blaming them.

H. Make your number one goal in the disagreement discovering the

right thing and the best thing for your family, not winning.

I. ___________ after the fight.

J. Agree to get ___________ if you cannot resolve the problem and

strife persists in your relationship. – Proverbs 13:10

III. Assignment:

A. Ask them to put together a budget they work on together and

bring with them to the next session.

B. Ask them to purchase and read two books between now and the
end of their honeymoon. – “The Five Love Languages” by Gary
Chapman and “Intended for Pleasure” by Ed Wheat

39 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 8

Lesson 8 – Premarital Counseling – Part V

I. ___________

A. I Peter 3:7 – “heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers
may not be hindered.”

1. In order to approach finances as “heirs together” or

partners in covenant each of you must look at money and
resources as ___________, not ___________.

2. This involves sharing your plans and dreams together;

coming into agreement about how and where you spend,
invest, and save your money.

3. If the wife’s plan for family savings is a down payment on

a house and the husband’s plan is for a business or a boat,
we have a problem.

4. Lack of ___________ can hinder your answer to prayer for

financial success.

5. It is better to agree than to be right.

B. Pastor Greg’s formula for financial success:

1. ___________ first – make out your tithe check first before

any bill.

2. ___________ – 10% if possible. Minimum of 5%.

a. Communicate with each other and come into

agreement on how much you will save and which
part of savings is for long term goals (house,

40 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 8

furniture, car, etc.) and which part is for short term

goals (vacation, weekend dates, wardrobe, etc.).

3. Pay your ___________.

4. Be ___________ with offerings from your surplus.

5. Be ___________ in your work, trust God for favor and

increase, be content and thankful with what you have, and
enjoy each other and life every day.

C. Warning against unnecessary debt.

1. It is not a sin to borrow but it is wrong to over-obligate

yourselves or commit to make payments for something
that you do not have present income to meet.

2. Psalms 37:21 – “The wicked borrows and does not repay,

but the righteous shows mercy and gives.”

3. Over-obligating ourselves with debt will ___________ our

ability to follow the Lord in our giving.

4. You cannot give what you do not have. – Acts 3:6; II

Corinthians 8:12

5. Loading up on debt is ___________.

6. Proverbs 22:7 – “The rich rules over the poor, and the
borrower is servant to the lender.”

7. Word to the wise: most debt is the result of our own envy,
lust, impatience or selfishness.

D. Questions for the couple to answer on finances:

41 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 8

1. Have you established a financial budget together as a

couple? Ask the couple to show you the budget they were
assigned during the last session.

2. Who will be the primary financial provider in your family?

3. Do you anticipate each of you pursuing individual careers?

If yes, for how long?

4. How will you decide on major ___________?

5. What is your philosophy of giving – to your church, other

ministries, individual in need, etc. – and how will you make
decisions about ___________?

6. Who will pay the bills and keep the checkbook?

7. What are your convictions about the use of ___________?

II. ___________ in the Home

A. Remember, we are heirs together, partners in covenant, sharers

in responsibility.

B. God does not bless laziness. – Proverbs 6:9; 12:24; 13:4; 19:15

C. Questions for the couple to answer about responsibilities in the

home:

1. Who will prepare the meals?

2. What types of food are “out” for you?

3. How important are family meal times to you? Why?

4. How often will you ___________?

5. How clean do you want your home to be?

42 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 8

6. Would you describe yourself as a “neat freak” or a “slob”?

7. Who will do each of the following:

a. Laundry and ironing?

b. Purchasing groceries?

c. Automobile maintenance?

d. Home repairs and yard work?

e. Washing dishes?

f. General household cleaning?

g. Cleaning the bathrooms?

h. Making the bed?

8. Do you want a ___________ in the house? If so, what

type?

III. Children and Parenting

A. What is your attitude toward having children?

B. When do you plan to have children and how many would you like
to have?

C. What is your view/plans for birth control?

D. How do you see each of your roles as parents with your children?

E. How will you discipline your children? How do you envision

sharing that responsibility?

IV. ___________

43 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 8

A. God established our sexuality and called it very good. – Genesis

1:31

B. Sex is a ___________ that we are to use to minister to one

person – our mate in marriage.

1. We are not to use it outside of marriage nor use it as a

___________ tool inside our marriage relationship.

2. Sex is a spiritual thing that involves spirit, soul, and body.

3. Our sexual union in marriage has the potential to create

eternal souls.

C. Hebrews 13:4 – “Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed

undefiled…”

1. The physical relationship in marriage is respectable, clean,

___________, good, and right.

2. It is not dirty or shameful.

3. God does not hide His face in shame during our sexual
activity in marriage.

4. It is honorable in ___________ – there is no type of sexual

activity in marriage that the Bible prohibits.

5. As long as it is not something forced by one party on the

other, there is consent between you, and it doesn’t hurt
one another it is ___________ inside the marriage
relationship.

6. Pray for your mate’s fulfillment and the Holy Spirit to lead
you in the physical relationship in marriage.

7. I Peter 3:7 – You have a part to play – dwell with your

mate according to knowledge.

44 REV 8.22.2018
Effective Counseling
Greg Mohr Lesson 8

a. That means it is your responsibility to discover what

ministers to your mate.

b. Know this: sex doesn’t begin in the ___________.

c. Wife still desires to be courted – affirmed,

considered, complemented, spoken to with kindness
and care.

d. Woman is moved by words, sound, and emotional

connection from her man.

e. Man is moved by sight – provocative clothing, little

nothings.

D. I Corinthians 7:3-5 – Do not _______ your body from your mate.

1. To the wife: your body is the only body your husband has
the right to see.

2. Keep his eyes full of your body so he will not be hungry for
another.

3. Communicate what pleases or displeases each other in the

physical relationship in marriage. – I Peter 3:7

4. If you can ___________ to each other about your sexual

relationship you can talk about anything.

E. Proverbs 5:19 – “Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe;
let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; be thou always ravished
with her love.”

45 REV 8.22.2018