Celebrity Gossip News

All The News That Is and Might Be

Heads Will Roll! Lizard (On My) Brain

Allison Long, staff writer
Zoe Altergott, staff writer
Harry Styles is thought to be in a
The ultimate cooking show takes a turn for the committed relationship with Asian Water
worse. As Gordon Ramsey walked through his Monitor Lizard Frank, best known as Mr. Kipling
kitchen doors, in front of him stands the cast of his from the hit Disney show Jessie. Styles reportedly
new season, while served on a platter was last met Frank at the 2021 Grammy awards, where
season’s competitors. Little did Ramsey know that the two were seen together for the majority of
food wasn’t on the menu tonight, instead tonight’s the night. The two were later seen again at an
menu will include heads served on a platter. The cast after party thrown by Ariana Grande. In an
from Vikings appeared in Hell’s Kitchen ready to exclusive interview, a source close to the pair
serve up a feast. With their tools sharpened and said, "things started out slow between them, but
ready, spears and mallets were the utensils of choice it was obvious they were getting along well. It
for these chefs-to-be. Will Ramsey have the guts to was no surprise to anyone when they decided to
kick this cast out of his kitchen or will the make it official." Styles is reportedly in the
customers at the restaurant be eating what is served process of moving in with Frank, taking
up by the Vikings? As the camera continues to roll, residence in his New York apartment located the
we will be following up with this news story closely Tribeca neighborhood of Manhattan. The two
to see what the “head” of the show decides. have been spotted shopping for furniture
together, while Styles quietly listed his current
New York home for sale. "They are very happy
together," says the source. "It's amazing to see
them so content. We're all very excited for

Get the Celebrity gossip

Delivered to your home

for 85 cents a week

Come see us at the

Gossip’s better at home!
Horseshoe Road Inn
Page 1
 The Hat and Parrot Are Back Jeannie and Genie Magic Gone
Mona Rouhani, contributing reporter
Hang Nguyen, staff writer

Homicide detective Lt. Columbo was flown

Jeannie(I Dream of Jeannie) has finally broken
into NY Tuesday afternoon, to assist in the
investigation of the disappearance of District it off with her 2second husband, Genie (Aladdin).
Attorney Jack McCoy. The case has been open since Apparently, rumors have been going around that
May 31st when the DA did not show up at the Genie was hanging out with the Blue Man Group
office. He was last seen on Friday, May 28th in after hours for several months during the
Manhattan. quarantine in 2019.  Jeannie thought her husband
just wanted to hang out with the guys and had had
Detective Elliot Stabler stated in an interview
enough of seeing each other everyday since
earlier this week that “Lt. Columbo’s experience will
be greatly beneficial” and that “his early arrival is a everything has been shut down.
good sign for the investigation”. Detective Stabler is
At first people thought they were all just
not the only one looking forward to working with
hanging out. But just few days ago, fans saw one of
America’s most popular detective. Stabler’s partner,
Captain Olivia Benson, mentioned that “Lt. the Blue Man guys spanking and kissing Genie and
Columbo’s expertise in finding evidence at a crime managed to catch it on camera. The photo blew up
scene is like no other”. all over social media and people started to hashtag
Jeannie.
Jack McCoy’s disappearance came just two days
after he announced that he will be retiring at the We have not seen Jeannie or Genie since the
end of the year. Many see the arrival of Lt. Columbo snapshot. But we heard from Jeannie today loud
as a sign of a possible murder case while others see and clear on her feelings about the betrayal. She
it as a positive step towards finding out what really
t w e e t e d a r a n t a t # To o k T h e Tr a s h O u t
happened and locating the DA. Either way, a
#FeelingBlueNOTACLUE, along with a small video
resolution of the mystery is expected in about an
clip of Genie, now a blue Genie. Jeannie had turned
hour, including interruptions.
him permanently blue. "Since you want to be with
them, then be like them!”, she yelled at him as she
Another Kardashian Wedding crossed her arms, nodded, and blinked. As Genie
Marco Selimaj, contributing reporter turned blue, he was sent back to his lamp and
Jeannie threw him out to the Ocean. The poor guy
Kim Kardashian is married yet again! Kim and her had no chance. She turned him blue permanently
new husband Kevin Durant met via Mr. Durant without a word from him. He was out the door for
sliding into Kim Kardashians DMs during good. She did not disclose which ocean she threw
quarantine. After meeting up with each other in him to. It will be a long while before we hear
person, they ended up tying the knot just two days anything from Genie. Where does the magic go?
later. Kim has been receiving a ton of backlash for

2 for 1 Malts this week at

yet another quick marriage, but she insists Kevin is
the right one. This will also be the last season of
Keeping Up With The Kardashians, so
maybe it’s time she settles down for real.
the Busybody Malt shop
Page 2
 Mr. Universe an Olympian?
Fictitious Reality?
Sara Miller, staff writer
Bianca Seger, contributing writer
We have seen Arnold Schawrzenegger as the tough
I'm sure we’ve all had those moments where guy through his roles in Hollywood and through
the world doesn't feel quite right after watching a his medals with bodybuilding, but have you ever
movie too long, after an 8 hour game-fest, or waked thought of him as a ribbon twirler? Rumors have it
up feeling as if the world has shifted a little bit to that Arnold Schwarzenegger is planning on
the right. It could be that the strange, hazy feeling competing in the 2024 summer Olympics for
is evidence that our thinking, and indeed our rhythmic gymnastics. Maria Shriver (Arnold's ex-
world, is just the opposite of how we perceive it. wife) talks about Arnold's once-secret hobby,
saying “I knew that he was good, but he was
Sherlock Holmes, a fictional private detective
always ashamed to show that side of himself. I am
created by British author Sir Arthur Conan Doyle,
glad he is finally showing the world his true self. I
has recently come through to us in a
am happy for him”. Chris Pratt (Arnold’s son-in-
wormhole,  created by the late cosmologist Stephen
law) was heard to say “He has always been a
Hawkings! Mr. Holmes has recently confirmed for
macho man, but it has been nice to see the softer
us that we are the ones living in a fictitious reality
side of him.”
and that we are all made-believe people created
from imagination!

Religious leaders are scrambling to figure out

what this means to the major belief systems, and
most so far agree that it is likely that monotheism
is just plain wrong. Hindu leaders now say that we
each have our own single god. All agree that the
long time dispute between fate and self-
determinism seems pointless now.

Political leaders have adopted even lower

levels of caring about their constituents as they
realize that they have, in fact, no power to do
COME TRY THE
anything about anything and that elections are
probably predetermined. NEW BIKES UNDER
OUR BIG SALE
Scientists are exploring the possibility of
travel the other way through the wormhole, though TENT AND FIND
Mr. Holmes won’t say how he did it. Some feel that YO U R N E W R I D E
the things we have typically used to “escape
reality”, such as depressants and hallucinogens, TH E B I K E P E D D L ER 

offer the best hope to actually achieving
reality.
Page 3
Frasier Comes and Goes Grande, Gomez Not On The Outs
Michelle Soltero, Celebrity News editor Ivy Chen, contributing writer

Dr Frasier Crane moved into Scranton and According to court documents, comedian Pete
moved back out not even two days later.  Dr. Crane Davidson has been arrested for being drunk and
was a hired-on therapist for Dunder-Mifflin. He involved in a crazy bar fight after hearing Ariana
didn’t expect to run into Michael Scott. As Scott Grande’s marriage didn’t turn out as a backfire.
does not believe in therapy, it was his mission to get Pete was found by officers with bruises and bloody
rid of Frasier. Frasier, on the other hand, thought he marks all over, taken into custody and then to the
was up to the challenge, but did not know what he hospital.
was in for. Ariana was reached the next day and asked
about Pete’s response to her happy marriage. She
Mr. Scott turned to his two trusty employees,
put out a statement that said, “Things didn’t work
Jim and Dwight, for ideas to dispense with his soon-
out with Pete but honestly that was his loss. Today
to-arrive problem. Jim suggested pranking Frasier
was definitely a win for me and Dalton’s a keeper”.
until he threw in the towel, but Dwight took a more
Pete created more drama by bashing Ariana’s
devious approach.  Dwight suggested either nun-
marriage throughout social media, which he was
chucked him to death or chopping him up and
not deprived of access to while in the hospital. Pete
feeding him to the bears. Mr. Scott averaged all the
tweeted “Another marriage that will end in a
options and decided he would scare Frasier non-
divorce pretty soon” and made sure to specifically
stop. 
tag Ariana and Dalton. Fans are upset and angry
Mr. Scott held an office meeting in which he with Pete, calling him a clout chaser because SNL
convinced everyone else that his cousin was coming just wasn’t as good as Ariana. 
into town and he wanted to scare him and all were
excited to pitch in. Upon Dr. Frasier’s arrival Mr. Want somewhere to stay on
Scott had water balloons ready and his crew
bombarded Frasier in the parking lot.  When Frasier your getaway? Don’t want to
ran into the elevator there Dwight stood with the be found? W e ’v e got
Scream outfit ready to hover and scream at Frasier
the whole for the entire ride.  Dr. Crane stumbled invisibility down to a science.
out of the elevator into the hallway, where he
Come see us today and relax.
encountered his office that had been transformed
into a haunted house.  At every turn someone was
jumping out at him.  Dr. Crane ran for his life back
to Seattle cursing Scranton the whole way.
The Dew Drop Inn
On The Corner of Town
This space intentionally left blank.
Center and Main
As a public service, we here at the paper wish to remind our readers not to put this paper into the
recycling when done reading it. The folks at the recycling center have informed us that while paper is
generally recyclable, the printing that makes this a newspaper renders it worthless. Thank-you.

Page 4