BLOOD

TYPE

(c) 2010
Adeleke A. Fakoya, PhD
Department of English
Lagos State University, Nigeria
adelekefakoya@yahoo.com

Believable Fiction Series Adeleke A. Fakoya

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 BLOOD TYPE
Phase One

Lagos. Year: 2009. University of Lagos, Nigeria. A sleek Mercedes Benz car pulls up
beside three ladies chatting in front of the Faculty of Arts. The driver opens the door
and comes out of the car. Naturally, all eyes turn towards him.

Man: (Turning on a most natural charm) Hello, ladies!

All 3 ladies: (Somewhat unenthusiastically) Hi.

Man: Er, sorry, but is this the Faculty of Law?

1 Lady: No, Arts.

Man: Oh! But where‟s Law?

2 Lady: (Pointing) Go behind that tall building, there‟s two other buildings to
your left; the one with a car park is Law.

Man: Many thanks.

All 3 Ladies: You‟re welcome.

Man: But, can I park here, or is there...?

3 Lady: Sure, why not?

Man: (Points a hand-held gadget at the car; the car makes a locking sound.)
Thanks, ladies. See you some other time. (Walks off)

2 Lady: This is one hell of a heart throb!

1 Lady: Yes, but not enough to cause a heart attack.

2 Lady: Who wants a heart attack? So long as a man can make my heart skip a
beat, who cares what else? Look at his car, girl! I‟m sure he‟s a bank MD
or something equally amazing.

1 Lady: Or one of these Nollywood stars.

3 Lady: Guys, back to what we were discussing. So, which of us will inform the
HOD about Lola‟s accident? We‟ve got to do it fast or she won‟t be
allowed to take any exams next week.

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1 Lady: Simple. Let‟s just send a letter on her behalf and give all the necessary
info.

2 Lady: That‟s that. I think Grace can write the letter on Lola‟s behalf and give
the secretary. I mean, you‟re good at such things, abi?

3 Lady: Now you acknowledge my being good at something.

2 Lady: It‟s called sister act. Just do it for Lola.

3 Lady: Ok, guys. See you two later in the hostel. (Walks off)

2 Lady: Bookworm. I wonder how any guy can cope with her. Doubt if she
knows anything other than books.

1 Lady: Honestly, I think she‟ll make a better wife than me. Let‟s be frank, she‟s
rather smarter than both of us. She may not have a fantastic body like
you, but please be gracious enough to admit that she‟s got something
you don‟t have.

2 Lady: Well, I still think a lady‟s got to be an all-rounder. I mean, the men out
there want a lady that can match their money with her pleasure. Let‟s
not forget that. I mean, what‟s the use, I make a first class and I don‟t
get a guy to marry me. What‟s the use of so much stress in school?

1 Lady: That depends. (Spotting Man in the distance) Here comes your Mr.
Tempting.

2 Lady: I‟ve got my tank full of men for now. Why don‟t you discover him?

1 Lady: (Excitedly) Are you serious?

2 Lady: With all pleasure. But as usual, you‟ll share the plunder with me.

1 Lady: (Shaking hands with her) Deal. Let‟s both meet him.

Presently, Man walks up to them.

Man: Ladies, you still here?

2 Lady: Not really. Just tying up some loose ends.

Man: (Tentatively) Could I fit in the loop?

1 Lady: Absolutely.

Man: (Offering his hand) Name‟s Hal.

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1 Lady: (Shaking hands with him) Nice to meet you, Mr. Hal. I‟m Bessie.

2 Lady: (Shaking hands with Man in turn) Such a pleasure to meet you. Aminat.

Man: Don‟t you guys have a class now or something?

Aminat: (Looking at her watch) O my God! I‟m almost late for a tutorial. Better
be going. See you another time, Mr. Hal.

Man: No, Hal will be just fine.

Aminat: Okay, Hal. (Walks away briskly)

Bessie: Nice talking to you, Hal. (Makes as if to go)

Man: (Feigning disappointment) You, too? And I was beginning to think we

could all have some time together before my appointment at four later
today.

Bessie: But I thought you were about to drive out of campus.

Man: No. Maybe drive around for a while. The gentleman I came to see is
teaching till four; so I guess I have a little time to kill before then. So, if
you‟re not too busy, let‟s see the town together.

Bessie: Well, why not? If you promise to bring me back to the hostel.

Man: (Excitedly) Promise? I vow!

Bessie: (Entering the car and settling down in the front passenger seat) This feels
like Neverland. How much does a car like this cost?

Man: It‟s very cheap. Just an arm and a leg.

They both laugh and drive off.

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Phase Two

Hal and Bessie at Limits Restaurant, somewhere in Ikeja. There’s the usual Lagos happy-
go-lucky fizz. Hal and Bessie have their orders but Bessie seems a little uncomfortable.

Hal: Come on, feel at home. This is one of the best places in this town and it
gives me a great pleasure to bring you here. Plus, it‟s our first outing.
Who knows, we may call here again and again. If we become good
friends, that is.

Bessie: Over my dead body!

Hal: Why, that‟s sharp! What‟s the matter? Why are you suddenly acting
strange?

Bessie: Look across the road.

Hal: Well? (Shoves down a lump of pounded yam)

Bessie: Are we looking in the same direction?

Hal: (Drinking a largish amount of Guinness stout) Yeah, but what‟s it you
see that I don‟t, dear?

Bessie: Do you see what‟s sold in that shop?

Hal: Oh. Coffins and caskets. So what?

Bessie: Oh, please! That‟s a funeral parlour.

Hal: Business, dear. This is Lagos. To everyone, their trade.

Bessie: We might as well be dining right in any one of the caskets!

Hal: (Suppressing a belch) Now, please don‟t be ridiculous.

Bessie: Sorry, but things like this make me ill at ease.

Hal: Now, girl, what‟s the real problem? This restaurant or the undertaker‟s?

Bessie: Honestly, I‟m just a bit uneasy about a place for pleasure being located
so close to a funeral parlour. In any case, I‟m sorry if you find me a bit
of a wet blanket. Let‟s be out of here as soon as possible. I‟m beginning
to feel queasy.

Hal: That‟s okay. Waiter!

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Phase Three

Back in the car, Bessie is still a little upset about the lunch flop and Hal tries to cheer
her up.

Hal: Let‟s put all that behind us, shall we?

Bessie: Man, you‟re strange!

Hal: In that case, so is everyone in that restaurant. But then, in Lagos, there‟s
no big deal in people eating right inside a coffin.

Bessie: I‟ve been in Lagos all my life and it‟s my first contact with that kind of
unusual reality.

Hal: I‟m sorry, but that‟s the sum of all of life.

Bessie: Says who?

Hal: I thought you said you‟re a Christian?

Bessie: What‟s anyone‟s faith got to do with a joint located in the grave?

Hal: Maybe that‟s the sermon in locating a funeral parlour next to a

restaurant, who knows?

Bessie: I beg your pardon!

Hal: Let‟s take a verse from Ecclesiastes.

Bessie: (Looking out of the window) Can‟t we drop this topic and, maybe listen
to music or something- anything but this talk about guts and graves?

Hal: But then, my dear lady, It is better to go to a house of mourning than

to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the
living should take this to heart. I think that‟s Ecclesiastes seven two.

Bessie: Oh, Hal, please! Were you sent to torment me?

Hal: Not at all. All right, let‟s get more serious – where would you like to
have lunch. Any place of your choice.

Bessie: (Relieved) At last! I‟ve always dreamed about Planet One.

Hal: Here‟s comes the genie, baby.

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Phase Four

At Planet One, an exclusive club located in the foreground of Maryland, Lagos. Hal
and Bessie take a cosy, intimate table in a corner of the restaurant. Soft lights and cool,
romantic music.

Hal: You‟d always dreamed about this place?

Bessie: Now it‟s come true.

Hal: Well...?

Bessie: This is truly exclusive. So much hoo-hah about it, though. But I love it
here. It‟s like a night with the genie.

Hal: I thought you said there was so much hoo-hah? But now even you are
writing a commercial script for the place.

Bessie: More like the spirit of the place is invading me.

Hal: My first time here, anyway.

Bessie: Tell that to the marines.

Hal: I think you‟re looking at my suit. I really may look like a man about
town but, I tell you, I‟m one village boy in a megacity.

Bessie: (Nearly choking on her drink) I find it hard to swallow that.

Hal: Lying doesn‟t go down well with me either.

Bessie: You could have fooled me.

Hal: Okay, let‟s cut the clutter. Tell me about yourself.

Bessie: Look at you- who needs to make themselves known, me or you?

Hal: Why me?

Bessie: You‟re the distinguished gentleman here.

Hal: But you‟re my guest of honour. So do it.

Bessie: Okay. I‟m just one of those girls around. My real name‟s Bose
but with a name like that, I‟m sure any lady‟s most definitely going to
spend her undergraduate days wondering why guys go to other ladies.
I‟m in my second year in the university. Now, you.
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Hal: Another one ordinary folk from the outback.

Bessie: Where‟s that?

Hal: I‟m Ijebu. Thoroughbred.

Bessie: But there‟s so much polish about you that anyone‟d think you‟re from
overseas.

Hal: No crime in going abroad for business and returning to motherland, is

there?

Bessie: Oh, Motherlan’- that‟s another of my dreams. I love Lágbájá‟s music like
hell.

Hal: And that‟s one more place I‟d be going for the first time. Thanks to you,
of course.

Bessie: Now, I find that difficult to believe.

Hal: Why, must a man have been everywhere?

Bessie: No, but you guys get everywhere first.

Hal: Okay, Motherlan’ next weekend. I hope we keep together that long.

Bessie: Oh, thanks. Now, back to you. Where d‟you live.

Hal: For now, I‟m living in Canada.

Bessie: That‟s my number one dream country.

Hal: How many dreams do you have daily?

Bessie: Excuse me?

Hal: I mean, what‟s the big deal about Canada?

Bessie: But that‟s where everyone‟s going these days. They say life‟s easy as a
wink there. I hear it gives you the mega bucks.

Hal: Not too far from the truth. I mean, who works in Canada? It‟s totally
an indulgent country for non-Canadians. Don‟t need to work hard or
do any of the things people do here to make ends meet. A little effort in
Canada gives a lifetime of comfort. To call a spade a spade, it‟s the
country to beat.
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Bessie: Then, why all this noise about the US?

Hal: Y‟see, Nigerians are the natural barometer for a foreign country‟s
economic development. If Nigerians don‟t go there, you‟d best not
invest in it.

Bessie: That must be true.

Hal: I mean, look at the time Nigerians were trooping to England. Just like
the Israelites to the Promised Land. All of a sudden, the wind vane
shifted and the US became God‟s own land. Like termites, Nigerians
almost totally devoured the American economy and then the ants
among us discovered the sugar coatings of Ireland. Within five years, the
name on every babbling Nigerian lip became Ireland. And then, every
pregnant lady would give anything to have her baby in Ireland! In no
time at all, Canada became the toast of our nation. And now we‟re all
there. Even me.

Bessie: There you are.

Hal: (Conceding) Oh yes, there I am.

Bessie: If life in Canada is so cushy, why are you back in Nigeria?

Hal: To set up a practice here. As I told you ladies earlier today, I came to
look for a law professor that could help with information on maritime
legal practice in Nigeria. (Checks his watch) Oh, by the way, it‟s three-
fifteen. I‟ve got to get back to him about four. Let‟s drink up. We‟ll talk
as we drive back. (Calls) Waiter!

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Phase Five

Back at the hostel, Bessie is debriefed by her friends as in Phase One.

Bessie: (Excitedly throwing packs of food and drinks on the table) Hey, babes,
I‟ve got it on the broad side, believe me.

Grace: (Suppressing her fascination) You ladies and men!

Aminat: My sister, life gives you only a one-way ticket. Once in a while, some
special people come up and present you with a round-trip opportunity.
Girl, you‟ve got only one second to think about it. That‟s why one
needs to be a girl scout. At the blow of the whistle, pack your things and
stow away with your catch.

Bessie: Without much ado!

Grace: Not considering-

Aminat: Before you con- anything, some smarter chick is already pro-ing your
man! As I said, no second thought. Just stow away.

Grace: What if-

Bessie: Life itself is largely iffy. You think about it, who‟s sure about anything?

Aminat: It‟s all chancy. Absolutely dicey. So you have to know your game before
the players surface. As soon as they turn up-

Bessie: Stow away.

Grace: I still think-

Aminat: I‟ve always said you‟re a thinker. Like Marx, Popper and Heidegger.
Look around you, how many thinkers prosper in our society today?
Don‟t you see how thoughtless people are prospering? In politics, in
music and- even in education? How many thinking lecturers in this
university have as much net worth as their thoughtless counterparts in
politics? Sis, if thoughtlessness is the key, let my brain be evacuated.
Come on, Grace, now you think about it!

Bessie: (Banging on the table) Ladies, are we having a party or not- here‟s lots
of stuff for a jolly evening.

Like little children, they all start rifling through the packs...

Aminat: Ooh, stuffed Danish cookies-

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Bessie: Look at this-

Grace: Please, Bessie, give me some of it. You know I‟m rather nuts about
Planet One‟s Popular Pizza. (Taking a little in her hand) Ah, it‟s still
very warm.

Aminat: I didn‟t know that guy would go this far.

Bessie: (With her mouth full of food) Golls, there‟s saw much gist1.

Aminat: As my Alhaji would say in the throes of orgasm, Yawwa! Ride on, girl.
Take your time to fill us in.

Bessie: Let me first give you the summary: a most ordinary day had a most
extraordinary night. I‟m going to sleep tonight looking forward to a
dream of a lifetime.

Grace: You and dreams! No wonder Lola calls you „Josephine‟.

Bessie: But then, today‟s events confirm her ingenuity with renaming.

Aminat: (Draining a packed drink) And they lived happily together ever after – is
that all there is to your story?

Bessie: But you guys keep getting in the way of my account.

Grace: (Unwrapping something) Baby, get on with it.

Bessie: Okay. This is one guy that had been looking for a lady to spend time
with since he came back from Canada about three weeks ago. Stays in a
hotel off Allen Avenue- we even went there together briefly- (Noticing a
glint in Aminat’s eyes) oh, no. No, no, no. Nothing like that- in fact,
there was very little time. He just wanted to carry more money. I think
to give the professor of law he came to see.

Aminat: And then-?

Bessie: Honestly, I don‟t know where to start. He‟s literally a lonely guy- but I
tell you, he‟s a fabulous chap. Has his business in Canada, is here for
another three or four weeks but hopes to be back finally to set up his
own business as a kind of lawyer- I really don‟t know what kind of
lawyer-

Aminat: Who cares!

Bessie: Search me! Guys, there was hardly anything I pointed at that he didn‟t
want to get for me. He was literally all over me.
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Grace: Some hungry guy, that.

Bessie: You mean, like hungry for sex?

Grace: Not quite; maybe a relationship.

Bessie: I‟d give him a whole world of it. All his for the asking.

Aminat: (Raising her right hand) Give me a high five- yeah, that‟s my girl.

Grace: There goes James out of the window.

Aminat: In double quick time!

Bessie: (Laughing hysterically) Yes, with all his promises of life after graduation.

Grace: (Genuinely surprised) So fast?

Aminat: But we all know that campus affairs always come last in this kind of
race. I mean, any lady would reach a guy that drives a Merc twenty-five
kilometres away faster than one that walks on campus.

Grace: That‟s curious thinking.

Aminat: There we go again- everything must have a thinking equation to it.

Bessie: But really, where a guy lives isn‟t the issue; if he has a car, then he‟s
closer to you than a guy without a car. One would always get to you
faster than the other.

Grace: Madonna babes!

Aminat: Greetings, Plato‟s niece!

Grace: One good thing, anyway- you guys always bring something for us all.

Presently, a knock on the door. Alhaji Kwara comes in.

Aminat: Alhaji, you‟re the devil himself.

Alhaji: Sent to be your guardian angel. How are you everybody?

Ladies: Fine, Alhaji. Good evening.

Alhaji: (Matter-of-factly) Aminat, you have plenty work tonight, o. I hope no

blood.

Bessie: Ah, Alhaji. So crude.

Grace: (Under her breath) Like crude oil!

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Alhaji: We‟re all pretenders. Under our clothes, are we not naked? Ehn? So
why behave like the Queen of England?

Aminat: You know where England is?

Alhaji: You, do you know?

Aminat: You promised taking me there, remember?

Alhaji: Okay. Let‟s go for summer this December.

Bessie: Alhaji, the summer is not in December.

Alhaji: Aminat, you want to go for summer this December or not?

Aminat: Like right now!

Alhaji: This is the last boarding announcement. Follow me now. You say no
blood, abi?

Aminat: It‟s called menses, Alhaji.

Alhaji: Yawwa!

Aminat: I‟ll be with you at the car park shortly.

Alhaji opens the door and leaves. Aminat goes to her wardrobe, brings
out a bottle and shakes out three or four pills in her palm. She pours a
glass of water and takes the pills.

Grace: You ladies have to be very careful. Don‟t let these things get out of
hand.

Aminat: Maybe in my next life. Now is the only time I‟ve got.

Grace: Excess kills, you know. Think about your youth. That‟s what you‟re
giving to these men.

Aminat: (Head-on) Think. Thinker. Thinkest thou something? My youth‟s all I‟ve
got while I‟m young. This is the only trade in the world in which the
younger you are, the higher you earn. Doubt if a fifty-year old would
appeal to two or three men in bed at the same time. As I said, now‟s all
we‟ve all got. Good night, guys. My oil rig is salivating already.

As Aminat leaves, Bessie and Grace resume rummaging the packs.

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Phase Six

The Faculty of Law, University of Lagos. Hal has come to see Professor Ojulari.

Prof: (Offering a handshake) Sorry, Mr...?

Hal: (Shaking hands with him) Hal Raeemson.

Prof: (Eagerly) Well, what can we do together, Mr. Raheemson?

Hal: (Taking a seat) My partners and I are thinking of sponsoring a little

public awareness programme on HIV-AIDS, in view of students‟ carefree
living styles. Er, by way of introduction, I work for a firm in Canada,
and we‟re trying to set up a company in Nigeria, but we thought it
would be strategic to get some attention through the media. And then,
one sure way of getting that attention is to get involved in matters of
the moment. I mean, it‟s not exactly that we‟re not sincerely interested
in the welfare of the students, but we thought- rather than sponsor a
beauty contest or any such, er permit me to use the word „trite‟- yes,
instead of such commonplace things, a more serious thing could be
more strategic. So-

Prof: (Cutting in) Yes, Mr. Raheemson-

Hal: „Hal‟ would be fine, sir.

Prof: Ok, Hal. But as a lawyer, how do I come into all that?

Hal: We need a reputable faculty or department to be our foundation.

Prof: Now I understand. I guess that‟s easy.

Hal: Thank you, sir. You may not talk about it, but we‟ve decided to give the
facilitators some financial appreciation.

Prof: Oh, naturally. Naturally. Em, do you drink?

Hal: I‟m not all that a holy man.

Prof: That makes us twins! In that case, let‟s conclude the arrangements at the
Staff Club. Shall we?

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Phase Seven

Hal and Bessie walk into a small hotel somewhere in Yaba and head for Hal’s
accommodation.

Hal: (Spreading his arms) You‟re welcome to my modest suite.

Bessie: (Marvelling at the appointments) You call this „modest‟? I know a

modest place when I see one. I mean, look how everything spells order
and class. You even have a mini office here.

Hal: Well, one tries one‟s best.

Bessie: Don‟t sound so modest. This is my idea of a dream hotel suite. I could
live all my life in this kind of place. I mean, just look around. Don‟t you
ever feel all alone?

Hal: Precisely!

Bessie: What?

Hal: You hit the nail right on the head. I sometimes feel dreadfully lonely,
especially after working long hours. You know, I can‟t take up any
office yet- they‟ll be asking you for two years‟ rent. Something like two-
point-five-million-naira.

Bessie: So, how long do you hope to stay here before getting an office?

Hal: Six weeks. The plan is, after the public awareness programme, I‟ll return
to Canada to report on things and then get the full approval to set up a
practice. Then, I hope to settle down and begin real life-

Bessie: Are your family in Canada?

Hal: (Laughing) Smart one- that question. I‟m still single. And vigorously
looking for a down-to-earth lady to give my feelings direction.

Bessie: (Getting philosophical) Men and their wanderings! You hold a lump of
ice in your hand, yet you complain there‟s nothing to keep your mouth
cool.

Hal: Wow! How deep!

Bessie: (Facing him) If you know what you want, Hal, your Number One just
might be standing right before you.

Hal: Meaning?

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Bessie: Here‟s my hand; no need for you to ask any father for it.

Hal: Just like that?

Bessie: As sugar is sweet!

Hal: Not even lightning is this quick! I guess you‟ve got me, too.

Bessie: (Flying into his arms) How magical! (Cranes her neck to kiss him) Shall
we seal it, then, honey?

Hal: (Restraining her) Uhn-uhn! Not quite my style. A kiss is such a dubious
warranty. Let‟s just wait to see which way the wind blows, shall we? I
mean, what‟s the hurry?

Bessie: Okay, Mr. Easy. Whenever you‟re ready, you‟ve got a full sack of me.

Hal: I need to meet some contacts at Allen Avenue in about thirty minutes.

Bessie: Am I invited?

Hal: Well, why not? Time we started showing off each other, isn‟t it?

Bessie: That‟s my dream man speaking my dream language!

Hal changes into fresh clothes and they walk out of the room, hand-in-hand.

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Phase Eight

Back at the hostel, Bessie regales her friends with her breakthrough.

Grace: Is this what you call arriving?

Bessie: What else could you call it? Here‟s a guy throwing good fortune at me.
At the very worst, I‟d come back richer if not married.

Aminat: Is he that rich?

Bessie: Guys, I met some of his associates. They all stank of comfort and
confidence. I mean, these guys are made of money! And, you won‟t
believe this, they‟re all still single.

Aminat: Enough! Don‟t say you‟ve forgotten our deal?

Bessie: That deal can‟t see you through school. Go for the real stuff, girl. Get
involved with one of Hal‟s friends and there you go. Full speed.

Grace: (Stunned) Ha?

Aminat: I‟ve always told you, one day your lower jaw will hit the floor.

Grace: But I‟m surprised. Alhaji. Greg. Sam. Tunde. And that your so-called
uncle. All of them eating out of just one bowl!

Aminat: Why all that census?

Grace: Just a reminder. Sorry if I‟m wiping my mouth on the wrong napkin.
Just can‟t help myself caring about you guys.

Bessie: Thanks a lot, caregiver. Now, Aminat, what shall we do with these
cocoa plantations?

Aminat: Maybe call Franca and Bimbo to join in the harvest.

Bessie: I trust you- never short of helpful ideas!

Grace watches them incredulously as they go out.

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Phase Nine

A boardroom. Five men including Professor Ojulari sit around a large table. A lady
keeps the minutes of the meeting.

Hal: Prof, we thank you for coming. As I told you, we represent our home
firm in Canada and are looking for an opportunity to set up a practice
here. Let‟s just introduce ourselves and get the meeting underway. I‟m
Hal Raeemson, the Project Coordinator. And these are my partners.

1 Partner: Dele Joseph.

2 Partner: Luqmon Daramola.

3 Partner: Chike Salome.

Hal: And Lola Adebanji, our secretary.

Prof: Nice to meet you all.

Hal: Gentlemen, let‟s get started...

This phase fades into the next, a large university auditorium. The four partners and
Professor Ojulari sit at the high table. A large number of students make up the
audience. Banners and posters everywhere. Aminat, Bessie and two other ladies (Franca
and Bimbo) are seen attending to the audience’s needs.

Prof: I think our guest speakers today deserve more than just a round of
applause for those beautifully presented views on the theme, Life and
Living Styles of the University Undergraduate. Shall we give them
a standing ovation?

The audience rise and clap for a few moments.

And now, I‟d like to summarise all that we‟ve learnt today. As we‟ve
heard, the predator is constantly around us, enticing us with all sorts of
gimmicks – just to derail us and make a mess of our lives. For the male
students, for instance, the allure of instant wealth, presented through
many unworkable sales promotions, reality shows and impractical offers
of jobs abroad are what you may need to guard against. For our female
students, these strategies and a lot more lie in wait for your precious
lives. For instance, numerous sexual partners, the boundless pursuit of
material things, unprotected sexual intercourse, greed and
discontentment, counting your chickens even before your hens have
18
 mated with cocks, etc.- all these are a few of the innumerable evils of
your day. Lastly, remember, you can‟t be too careful about your life. I
thank our guests from Canada-based Life Projects Company, for their
frank talk and I thank you staff and students for making their visit
worthwhile. And I charge us all to borrow a leaf from their talk to
ensure that our life and living don‟t have regrets. Thank you all.

Another standing ovation, handshakes, hugs, etc.

19
Phase Ten

At Planet One Club. A party. On the dance floor are Prof, Hal and his friends, the
ladies – Bessie, Aminat, Toks, Franca – and Grace.

Prof: (Dancing blues with Grace) So, it‟s your first outing in three years of
university education?

Grace: (Barely allowing her body to touch his) Yes.

Prof: Who‟d believe that?

Grace: God does.

Prof: And why are you here. I mean, look at your friends. They seem to think
that good times are their birthright.

Grace: As we all say, different strokes for different folks.

Prof: Tell me, are you real or are you just making me believe you‟re a good
girl.

Grace: Sir, believe me, these things aren‟t my kind of craving. For now, my
books are everything to me. Well, parties once in a while. You know, to
chat to real people, not characters in books. That‟s all I go to parties for.
Nothing more. And that‟s the truth.

Prof: Anyway, are we going to be seeing each other after tonight?

Grace: Honestly, Prof, no. I don‟t need a lover for now.

Prof: I‟ll keep trying. At least, let‟s keep the window open. Could I have you
phone?

Grace: Sure, why not. Talk is cheap.

Prof: But- I mean, listen to yourself. You talk so smart. Are you trying to put
me on?

Grace: You mean, like a skirt? (Quickly) Just kidding.

Prof: Girl, you‟ve got me thinking.

Grace: Would you rather not? Sir?

Prof: You‟ll thank God for this evening, I promise.

Grace: Tell me, aren‟t you married?

20
Prof: Good question. I‟m still a bachelor.

Grace: And you‟re a professor?

Prof: Well...let‟s just say a waiting professor.

Grace: Waiting for-?

Prof: A girl like you.

Grace: You‟ll wait another two to three years, then.

Prof: I hope you can wait till then, too.

Focus on Hal and Bessie. She’s all over him, trying to kiss him from time to time but he
refuses her advances somewhat mechanically.

Bessie: I hope you won‟t starve me to death with your denials. Have any of
your teeth ever been stolen while you were being kissed?

Hal: That‟s quite funny.

Bessie: But why would anyone refrain from simple romantic stimuli? Kisses
aren‟t for sale, you know.

Hal: You think about it, why toy with each other‟s emotions?

Bessie: But-

Hal: I mean, a kiss leads to fondling, which in turn leads to different kinds of
exploration, and ultimately unprotected sex. So, to be true to our
Foundation‟s ideals, we instruct ourselves about the need to check things
out carefully before taking the plunge. It‟s all a leap in the dark y‟know,
in a manner of speaking.

Bessie: So, what are your suggesting?

Hal: Not me, my dear. It‟s only common sense. These days, all of us have
either tested or been tested by others. Who knows where the other
person is coming from? To you, no big deal in kissing and all that stuff.
I‟m more particular about goals.

Bessie: But what‟s the goal of an innocent kiss?

Hal: A kiss sets other things in motion. It‟s more or less a catalyst.

21
Bessie: Uh-hun?

Hal: Tell you what, a wise person is disciplined even in romantic matters.

Bessie: Mechanical, you mean?

Hal: You don‟t give up, do you?

Bessie: I‟d kill the dream of giving you up for another lady. Tell me, what shall
we do?

Hal: Truth is, I see some future in our attachment. So I have to watch out for
obstacles. Let‟s take it all very easy. You see, at this stage of our lives,
none of us- I‟m talking about me and my associates – yes, none of us is
going to do anything with any lady without appropriate precautions.
Forget about virginity and all such stuff. But once we‟re committed to a
lady, we take her as our full-time responsibility. For instance, once you
and I get steady, I naturally have to take care of you as my wife. Not
that if you need a little money from time to time I can‟t rise to the
occasion; but once we‟re lovers, making love and such things, ah, my
dear, I‟m all yours. Financially, spiritually, whatever. That‟s what I‟m
saying.

Bessie: Now I get your point. So what‟s the next step?

Hal: First, how far are you willing to go?

Bessie: I don‟t know, but you‟ve hit me the way no other man has ever
done. Hal, you make me lose propriety.

Hal: Believe me, I feel greatly attracted to you, too.

Bessie: So, let‟s rev things up.

Hal: All right, then. We‟ll have to do a blood test. For one thing, I‟d like to
know if we have compatible blood groups. It‟s a dangerous thing if
both of us are AS and we get married. That‟s doom for our children. Or
if either of us has HIV blooming already. So let‟s safeguard our future-

Bessie: I‟m all for it.

Hal: But we have to wait a few days, like four, before going for the test. We
have a series of meetings this week. Maybe next week. Luckily, my
associate, Dele- there he is, dancing with Aminat- he‟s the company‟s
medical doctor. He can take our blood samples.

22
Bessie: it‟s your call.

Focus on other couples, talking, dancing...

23
Phase Eleven

Grace, Aminat and Bessie in a corner in the University Central Cafe, comparing notes
about the men at the party.

Grace: That prof thought I was the smartest girl he‟d ever met.

Aminat: Men have been known to think many things about ladies when they
want something, don‟t you know?

Grace: But I think I heard something sincere in his tone.

Bessie: Aminat the thinker! Did you really hear it or do you think you did?

Aminat: Whatever. All of us are calculators, more or less. Our tendency is always
to push in favourable directions.

Grace: In my own case, the prof is pulling me in his direction. Left to me...

Bessie: I agree with Aminat. We‟re all looking for someone to latch onto. As
for me, Hal can‟t get a firmer leech. I guess I‟m stuck to him for good.

Grace: Problem with you is the number of men you‟ve clung to this year alone.

Aminat: Many are called, one will be chosen.

Bessie: We both went for blood tests two days ago. Once our genotypes are
compatible, my forwarding address is somewhere in Canada.

Grace: Just like that?

Aminat: Even me. Dele and I got the results yesterday and the doctor said he
didn‟t see why we couldn‟t go straight to the Marriage Registry from his
clinic.

Bessie: Naturally, I‟ll be your Chief Bride‟s Maid.

Grace: You girls have everything planned already.

Aminat: My future needs no Planning Committee. By this time next week, I

should have done an affidavit for a change of name. (Quite matter-of-
factly) I, formerly known as Aminat Amodu henceforth wish to be
called, known, addressed and referred to as Mrs. Aminat Dele-Joseph.
All former documents remain valid.

Grace: What documents? Your O‟level result and letter of admission?

24
Aminat: (Feigning annoyance) Aren‟t those documents?

Bessie’s phone rings.

Bessie: Hey, girls, the king calls. Ladies, my days in this university are
numbered. (Picking the call) Hi, Irresistible...y‟ello...what does my
prince want to tell me... yes... (Suddenly) Ohh, girls, this is the hour I‟ve
been waiting for. Our blood groups are compatible. I‟m going to
Canada!

25
Phase Twelve

Location: Osun State. Hal and Dele squat naked before a mound in a shrine, each
carrying a calabash containing a hypodermic syringe filled with human blood. An aged
herbalist, holding a dead partridge in either hand chants some incantations while
dancing in short, quick steps around them. After some time, he stops.

Herbalist: Hal. Raise your left hand. (Hal complies.) Are you ready for this
meeting with Àkúnlẹyàn?2

Hal: Yes, Baba.

Herbalist: Dele. Raise your left hand. (Dele complies.) Are you ready for this
meeting with Àkúnlẹyàn?

Herbalist: (Chants for several moments and suddenly faces both men in a
threatening manner) Your gods are ready to act on your behalf. Are you
two sure you‟re ready?

Hal & Dele: Yes.

Herbalist: (Calls his apprentice) Ajere, bring the first mirror. (Ajere brings in a large
mirror.) Stand it against the wall and go and bring the second one.
(Ajere acts accordingly.) Dele, this is your own mirror. Hal, this one is
yours. (Hands them a small ladle each) Discharge a little blood from the
syringe into the ladle. Just a little. (Watches them) Yes, that will do.
Now close your eyes and drink it. (Both comply.) That‟s the first step.
The second step now. (He looks at them in turn intently.) Are you both
okay? If we miss this step, I have no powers over the consequences, you
know. The result may be incurable madness. Or incurable epilepsy. Or
even incurable leprosy. One more time, are you sure you‟re ready?

Hal & Dele: Yes, Baba.

Herbalist: (Breathes deeply and shakes a gourd ominously. Chants almost inaudibly
and touches each man’s head in turn with a dead partridge.) Good.
Now, stand up, both of you. Hal, take three steps towards your mirror.
You, too, Dele. (Chants ferociously and a wild wind shuts the tiny
window in the shrine.) I welcome you, the Commanders of the Valley of
Decision. Envoys of the Creator, you‟re welcome. You that say “So Be
It”, I worship you. Grant to your sons, the power to prosper with
surrogate effort. As you grant their wish, O Incontrovertible Tongues,
take your own commission. In due season, soul will serve soul and
balance will return to creation. So shall it be.

26
Hal & Dele: Àṣẹ.3

Immediately afterwards, the window gently opens again, without any sound at all, and
an unusual calm returns.

Herbalist: Now the final stage. Look at the mirror, each of you and call out your
emissary‟s name. Loud.

Hal: Bessie!

Dele: Aminat!

Each lady appears in the mirror in her nightgown.

Herbalist: Now! Squirt the remaining blood on them. Quickly. (Both men
discharge the remaining blood in the syringes on the ladies in the mirror.
The ladies scream until they both fall down dead, squirming like worms.)
No time to waste. Take up the club beside the mirror and smash it. (Hal
and Dele comply.) Congratulations. The gods have done as you desired.
(Calls) Ajere!

At that moment. The car park in front of a Ladies’ Hostel at the University of Lagos.
Alhaji and his friend, Chief, have been sitting in a magnificent Jeep chatting with
Aminat and Bessie. The ladies simultaneously feel the heaviness and cruelty of being hit
mortally and start screaming ‘Please! Please!’ In a matter of seconds, they’re both
looking lifeless. The two men are confounded and run out of the Jeep, calling students
around to help them carry the ladies to the Health Centre. In no time at all, there’s a
large crowd around the Jeep.

Alhaji: (Frantically) What‟s this? Just now they were talking about going to
Canada on scholarship. (Shaking her vigorously) Aminat! Aminat!

Chief: (Taking control of himself) Alhaji, let‟s rush them to the clinic. (Facing
the crowd) Hey, my friends, where‟s-

Student 1: (Slapping Chief and holding fast onto his agbada) You‟re mental. That‟s
what you all do. You come here to take innocent girls for ritual. Now
they‟re dead and you‟re saying what!

Alhaji: (Crouching to avoid a blow from another student) Wallahi tallahi, is not
like that- just now now they were talking of scholarship to Canada-

27
Some students hit both men at once and others join in manhandling them. Within a
few moments the students have stripped the men of their garments and started beating
them up with all kinds of things.

Student 2: O ya!4 Let‟s take the girls out of the Jeep.

With the ladies carried out of the vehicle, the mob overturns it and sets it ablaze. The
blaze only invites more people to the scene.

Student 3: (Kicking Chief in the groin) This will teach you a lesson. Stupid old goat.
Petrol and matches!

Almost from nowhere, petrol and matches are supplied and the two men are also set
on fire.

Student 4: The girls! The girls! Where are they?

Student 5: Let‟s take them to the Health Centre quickly.

The ladies are put in a car and driven to the Health Centre. One look, and the doctor
confirms they’re dead.

Doctor: (Barely touching either body) These ladies are both dead. See, rigor
mortis has set in already. (Turning to an attendant) Terminal ward,
please.

Back at the shrine...

Ajere: (Running in) Here, Baba.

Herbalist: Take them to the stream for their bath.

Ajere gives the men two sponges and some black soap and leads them
out. Presently, Baba resumes chanting and light dancing, with
intermittent clinking on a smallish gong. Soon, he starts to chant utterly
incoherent words and phrases and can be seen to be out of the natural
world, warding off – and, at the same time, ushering in – beings of
diverse presence. Then, he picks up the dead partridges and raises them as
an offering to some invisible guests. Gradually, his mien calms down and
he begins to chant his gratitude to the unseen presences. Hal and Dele
enter, but he’s not caught unawares. He slowly turns to them and
stretches a dead partridge to each of them.

My sons, today is a day each of you must mark on the stone of his
heart. If you forget this day, you might as well not have been born
because of the consequences it will bring on you.
28
Hal & Dele: We won‟t forget, Baba.

Herbalist: Kneel down and lift up your birds as a sacrifice to your guardian spirits.
You told me you did not sleep with the ladies?

Hal & Dele: No, Baba.

Herbalist: Amọnà5 will show you the way to untold wealth but you have duties to
perform. And I want you to listen very carefully. Ajere will give you
leaves to wrap the birds in. Each of you will take his bird home. Put it in
a calabash that Ajere will give you. You will hide it in a corner of your
room, or maybe under your bed – just somewhere no one but only you
reach. Buy a piece of red cloth about the size of a handkerchief and
place the calabash containing the bird on it. Do you understand me?

Hal & Dele: Very well, Baba.

Herbalist: Dele, how old was your bird?

Dele: (Looks at the bird in his hand) It‟s beyond me, Baba.

Herbalist: That dead bird was your girlfriend, the courier of all the money you‟ll
spend for very many years. Now, do you understand?

Dele: She was twenty-five.

Herbalist: Hal?

Hal: Twenty-three.

Herbalist: (Strikes a gong three times and makes a circular movement around Dele’s
head. He repeats the action with Hal and goes into a lengthy chant...)
Now, as I say my words, keep mentioning your girlfriends‟ names.
(Resumes chanting and Hal and Dele only interject Bessie! and Aminat!)
O ya, o ya, e maa gbe wo‟le. O ya, o ya6.

Dele: Aminat!

Hal: Bessie!

At once, Herbalist turns his back on Hal and Dele even as he continues his chant. Hal
and Dele keep on intoning the ladies’ names. Suddenly, Herbalist spins round and
shouts E wole wa!7 Immediately afterwards, Bessie and Aminat appear – draped in
white, each bearing on her head a large clay pot.

Herbalist: (Looking happy and pleased) O pari.8 Now, your turn, my sons. Each of
you tell your bird to release your wealth for today. Hal, you first.
29
Hal: (Horrified, stutters) Ah, er, Bessie-

Herbalist: (Angrily) No! Talk like that again and she smashes that pot on your
head and you lose your mind for a hundred years. Not even death will
come to your rescue! Command her in a firm tone. Now. (Chants and
clinks on the gong)

Hal: (Reinvigorated) Bessie, release my wealth for today.

Gently, Bessie lowers the gigantic pot from her head and puts it on the floor, beside
Hal. Like mist, she disappears without a sound, while Aminat waits to be instructed.

Herbalist: (Clinking the gong and chanting) Dele!

Dele: (Facing her, sternly) Aminat, release my wealth for today.

Like Bessie, she complies and instantly disappears.

Herbalist: (Quite satisfied) My sons, àbùṣe ti bùṣe.9 This is the beginning. If your
desire was to have money like no one alive, now you have more than
you can count. But first, my fee.

Hal: We brought it, Baba.

Herbalist: Ajere.

Ajere: (Appearing with a sack) Bàá mi.10

Herbalist: Take them to where they will show gratitude to Amònà.

Ajere leads them out once again. Presently, they return, still carrying the birds in their
hands.

Ajere: Here we are, Baba.

Herbalist: Ajere, get them a calabash each for their couriers. Now, sit down and
let me guide you about your couriers of wealth.

Hal and Dele sit on bare floor, both of them taking quick glances at the enormous pots
of money. Ajere enters with two calabashes, one for each of them.

Each of you, open your calabash and put your bird in it. From this
moment, this bird is to be referred to and thought of as Amúrewá10. You
must learn to keep it fresh for as long as you hope to be alive, wealthy
and sane. (Reaches into a corner and brings out two sizeable bottles of
palm-oil; offers one to each man.) Here, you must put at least one drop
of this oil on your Amúrewá11 for as long as you live. You must do this

30
 once everyday – at 3 a.m. Every day. Unfailingly. You must not forget
this day. So every year, on this day, each of you must make an elaborate
sacrifice to the spirit of the lady that has made all this possible in your
life. On this day every year, between midnight and one o‟clock, you
must go to her grave and express your appreciation of her ultimate
goodness to you. In that one hour, you will eat her favourite meal with
her. Afterwards, you must break into pieces the plate out of which you
ate, and quickly return home. Then, at 3 a.m. you must anoint
Amúrewá. Just one drop of that oil. Don‟t forget: you anoint Amúrewá
every day until the next year when you return to her grave for the feast
of appreciation and propitiation. (Looks pryingly at them) Any
questions?

Hal: (Huskily; clearing his throat): Baba, what happens when we‟re married-
I mean, how can one keep these things secret from one‟s wife?

Herbalist: (Shifting his gaze): Dele?

Dele: (Looking rather subdued): Baba, you have to help us- me.

Herbalist: (Taking firm control) Look, my children. Nothing good comes easy – I‟m
sure you know that. Some people see what we do as cutting corners or
taking shortcuts. What matters is getting one‟s desire. Truly it‟s good to
wait for God, but to us humans, who knows if they‟d ever be wealthy?
Not all labour yields prosperity. Which is why the gods make some of us
available to some of you to cause others to serve you. As for keeping
things secret, the surest way out is to have your own house at once and
dedicate a room in it to Amúrewá. Then, by all means possible, ensure
that no one – did you hear me? – no one, ensure that no one knows
what goes on there.

Dele: (Cutting in) My concern, Baba, is this- can‟t we keep all these things here
– the bird, the calabashes and so on – and just come to carry the money
from time to time? I mean-

Herbalist: (Sarcastically) If all my clients kept all those items here, you wouldn‟t
even have room to stand. Every time you‟re going into that special
room, you must take along a large sack. Use it to carry all the money
into another room where you‟ll keep money always. Your wife can
enter this other room, if you like. But not the first one. As soon as you
fill the sack up with the money, quickly break the pot into pieces and
carry your money and leave the room at once. You cannot return for
any money until 3 a.m. on the seventh day.

31
Hal: Baba, how often will Amúrewá bring in money?

Herbalist: Once every seven days. The spirit needs a little rest, too. There‟s no
need to be afraid of running out of money before the next visit;
Amúrewá sees the future before you get there and brings more money
than anyone can exhaust in seven days, however prodigal. Whatever
remains on the sixth night must all be given away – however much. Or
you shall become insane. My sons, the secret is this: if anyone asks you
for one hundred naira, give them ten thousand. If they come only once,
welcome them a hundred times. That way, there‟ll be a need for
Amúrewá to keep the money flowing.

Dele: (Relaxing a little) That‟s quite calming.

Herbalist: (Tinkling a tiny bell somewhat ominously) Now, the holders of the
corners of the earth ask what you want to give up for all this.

Hal: (Quite taken aback) What do they want?

Herbalist: (Matter-of-factly) You‟ll decide what to give them. The life of every
woman that‟s married to you within seven occult seasons, each season
being seven years . Or the life of your first seven children in any one
marriage. Each child will die on his or her third birthday. Choose.
(Points to a tiny room) Hal, you first. Enter that room and pledge either
of those options. (Hal goes in.)

Herbalist chants while Hal is in the room. Dele looks totally confused. Presently, Hal
emerges, looking extremely perplexed.

Dele, it‟s your turn. (Dele enters.)

Herbalist resumes chanting. A little time later, Dele comes out, looking woebegone.
Ajere comes in with their clothing.

I welcome you both into the fold of those who send spirits on errands.
Now, the moment of truth. (Very darkly) The covenant today is valid
for many years. That means you shall both be very wealthy for many
years. Hal, for you the covenant will be for 31 years. This is because, at
the time you brought Bessie‟s blood to Amọnà, she had 31 more years
to live. Now, her spirit is going to serve you for those 31 years. After 31
years, she‟ll be free and shall stop bringing money to you. As for you,
Dele, Aminat will serve you for 43 years. In the year of freedom, each
of you will come to the river at the back of this shrine for your release
bath.

32
Dele: (Depressed) Ah?

Herbalist: One last thing. Don‟t fear that you might die young. Amọnà will see you
through all the years of validity. (Somewhat trance-like) Now go into
the world and be merry. By the powers of the gods and goddesses of
darkness, go and reap where others sow. Dip your hands into meals
prepared by souls and spirits of remote stewards. Eat and drink from
caverns dug by the elements. (Tinkles the tiny bell maniacally) Go. I say,
go!

Hal and Dele hurriedly wear their clothes and quickly cram the money into their sacks
and run out of the shrine into their car and drive off as if pursued by unseen forces.

- End -

33
Notes
1.
Girls, there‟s so much gist
2.
destiny/fate chosen while kneeling down before the gods
3.
so shall it be; amen
4. now, it‟s time to...
5.
the Ultimate Guide
6.
Right now; bring it in.
7.
Come right in.
8.
It‟s all over now.
9.
It‟s all over now
10.
my father
11.
harbinger

34