S4.9.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

Five Key Skills for Raising Emotional Intelligence

When it comes to happiness and success in life emotional intelligence (EQ) matters just as much as
intellectual ability (IQ). Emotional intelligence helps you build stronger relationships, succeed at
work, and achieve your career and personal goals. Learn more about why emotional intelligence is so
important and how you can boost your own EQ by mastering five core skills.

What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to identify, use, understand, and manage emotions in
positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome
challenges, and diffuse conflict. Emotional intelligence impacts many different aspects of your daily
life, such as the way you behave and the way you interact with others.

If you have a high emotional intelligence you are able to recognize your own emotional state and the
emotional states of others and engage with people in a way that draws them to you. You can use this
understanding of emotions to relate better to other people, form healthier relationships, achieve
greater success at work, and lead a more fulfilling life.

Emotional intelligence consists of four attributes:

● Self-awareness – You recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and
behavior, know your strengths and weaknesses, and have self-confidence.
● Self-management – You’re able to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your
emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to
changing circumstances.
● Social awareness – You can understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people,
pick up on emotional cues, feel comfortable socially, and recognize the power dynamics in a
group or organization.
● Relationship management – You know how to develop and maintain good relationships,
communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in a team, and manage conflict.

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Why is emotional intelligence (EQ) so important?

As we know, it’s not the smartest people that are the most successful or the most fulfilled in life. You
probably know people who are academically brilliant and yet are socially inept and unsuccessful at
work or in their personal relationships. Intellectual intelligence or IQ isn’t enough on its own to be
successful in life. IQ can help you get into college but it’s EQ that will help you manage the stress and
emotions of sitting your final exams.

Emotional intelligence affects:

● Your performance at work. Emotional intelligence can help you navigate the social
complexities of the workplace, lead and motivate others, and excel in your career. In fact,
when it comes to gauging job candidates, many companies now view emotional intelligence as
being as important as technical ability and require EQ testing before hiring.
● Your physical health. If you’re unable to manage your stress levels, it can lead to serious
health problems. Uncontrolled stress can raise blood pressure, suppress the immune system,
increase the risk of heart attack and stroke, contribute to infertility, and speed up the aging
process. The first step to improving emotional intelligence is to learn how to relieve stress.
● Your mental health. Uncontrolled stress can also impact your mental health, making you
vulnerable to anxiety and depression. If you are unable to understand and manage your
emotions, you’ll also be open to mood swings, while an inability to form strong relationships
can leave you feeling lonely and isolated.
● Your relationships. By understanding your emotions and how to control them, you’re better
able to express how you feel and understand how others are feeling. This allows you to
communicate more effectively and forge stronger relationships, both at work and in your
personal life.

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How to raise your emotional intelligence?

All information to the brain comes through our senses and when this information is overwhelmingly
stressful or emotional, instinct will take over and our ability to act will be limited to the flight, fight, or
flee response. Therefore, to have access to the wide range of choices and make good decisions, we
need to be able to bring our emotions into balance at will.

Memory is also strongly linked to emotion. By learning to use the emotional part of your brain as well
as the rational, you’ll not only expand your range of choices when it comes to responding to a new
event, you’ll also factor emotional memory into your decision-making. This will help prevent you from
continually repeating earlier mistakes.

To improve your emotional intelligence—and your decision-making abilities—you need to understand

and control the emotional side of your brain. This is done by developing five key skills. By mastering
the first two skills, you’ll find skills 3, 4, and 5 much easier to learn.

Developing emotional intelligence through five key skills:

Emotional intelligence consists of five key skills, each building on the last:

● Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 1: The ability to quickly reduce stress.

● Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 2: The ability to recognize and manage your emotions.
● Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 3: The ability to connect with others using nonverbal
communication.
● Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 4: The ability to use humor and play to deal with challenges.
● Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 5: The ability to resolve conflicts positively and with
confidence.

How to learn the five key skills of emotional intelligence

The five skills of emotional intelligence can be learned by anyone, at any time. But there is a
difference between learning about emotional intelligence and applying that knowledge to your life.
Just because you know you should do something doesn’t mean you will—especially when you become
overwhelmed by stress, which can hijack your best intentions.

In order to permanently change behavior in ways that stand up under pressure, you need to learn
how to take advantage of the powerful emotional parts of the brain that remain active and accessible
even in times of stress. This means that you can’t simply read about emotional intelligence in order to
master it. You have to experience and practice the skills in your everyday life.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (EQ) SKILL 1: RAPIDLY REDUCE STRESS

High levels of stress can overwhelm the mind and body, getting in the way of your ability to
accurately “read” a situation, hear what someone else is saying, be aware of your own feelings and
needs, and communicate clearly.

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Being able to quickly calm yourself down and diffuse stress helps you stay balanced, focused, and in
control–no matter what challenges you face or how stressful a situation becomes.

Stress busting: functioning well in the heat of the moment

Develop your stress busting skills by working through the following three steps:

● Realize when you’re stressed – The first step to reducing stress is recognizing what stress
feels like. How does your body feel when you’re stressed? Are your muscles or stomach tight
or sore? Are your hands clenched? Is your breath shallow? Being aware of your physical
response to stress will help regulate tension when it occurs.
● Identify your stress response – Everyone reacts differently to stress. If you tend to become
angry or agitated under stress, you will respond best to stress relief activities that quiet you
down. If you tend to become depressed or withdrawn, you will respond best to stress relief
activities that are stimulating. If you tend to freeze—speeding up in some ways while slowing
down in others—you need stress relief activities that provide both comfort and stimulation.
● Discover the stress-busting techniques that work for you – The best way to reduce stress
quickly is by engaging one or more of your senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Each
person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing
and/or energizing to you. For example, if you’re a visual person you can relieve stress by
surrounding yourself with uplifting images. If you respond more to sound, you may find a wind
chime, a favorite piece of music, or the sound of a water fountain helps to quickly reduce your
stress levels.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (EQ) SKILL 2: EMOTIONAL AWARENESS

Being able to connect to your emotions—having a moment-to-moment awareness of your emotions

and how they influence your thoughts and actions—is the key to understanding yourself and others.

Many people are disconnected from their emotions–especially strong core emotions such as anger,
sadness, fear, and joy. This may be the result of negative childhood experiences that taught you to try
to shut off your feelings. But although we can distort, deny, or numb our feelings, we can’t eliminate
them. They’re still there, whether we’re aware of them or not. Unfortunately, without emotional
awareness, we are unable to fully understand our own motivations and needs, or to communicate
effectively with others.

What kind of a relationship do you have with your emotions?

● Do you experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after another as your
experiences change from moment to moment?
● Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience in places like
your stomach or chest?
● Do you experience discrete feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, each of
which is evident in subtle facial expressions?
● Can you experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture both your attention
and that of others?
● Do you pay attention to your emotions? Do they factor into your decision making?

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If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, your emotions may be turned down or turned off. In order
to be emotionally healthy and emotionally intelligent, you must reconnect to your core emotions,
accept them, and become comfortable with them.

Developing emotional awareness

Emotional awareness can be learned at any time of life. If you haven’t learned how to manage stress,
it’s important to do so first. When you can manage stress, you’ll feel more comfortable reconnecting
to strong or unpleasant emotions and changing the way you experience and respond to your feelings.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE SKILL (EQ) 3: NONVERBAL

COMMUNICATION

Being a good communicator requires more than just verbal skills. Often, what you say is less
important than how you say it or the other nonverbal signals you send out—the gestures you make,
the way you sit, how fast or how loud you talk, how close you stand, how much eye contact you make.
In order to hold the attention of others and build connection and trust, you need to be aware of and in
control of this body language. You also need to be able to accurately read and respond to the
nonverbal cues that other people send you.

These messages don’t stop when someone stops speaking. Even when you’re silent, you’re still
communicating nonverbally. Think about what you are transmitting as well, and if what you say
matches what you feel. If you insist “I’m fine”, while clenching your teeth and looking away, your body
is clearly signaling the opposite. Your nonverbal messages can produce a sense of interest, trust,
excitement, and desire for connection—or they can generate fear, confusion, distrust, and disinterest.

Tips for improving nonverbal communication

Successful nonverbal communication depends on your ability to manage stress, recognize your own
emotions, and understand the signals you’re sending and receiving. When communicating:

● Focus on the other person. If you are planning what you’re going to say next, daydreaming, or
thinking about something else, you are almost certain to miss nonverbal cues and other
subtleties in the conversation.
● Make eye contact. Eye contact can communicate interest, maintain the flow of a
conversation, and help gauge the other person’s response.
● Pay attention to nonverbal cues you’re sending and receiving, such as facial expression, tone
of voice, posture and gestures, touch, and the timing and pace of the conversation.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (EQ) SKILL 4: USE HUMOR AND PLAY TO

DEAL WITH CHALLENGES

Humor, laughter, and play are natural antidotes to life’s difficulties. They lighten your burdens and
help you keep things in perspective. A good hearty laugh reduces stress, elevates mood, and brings
your nervous system back into balance.

Playful communication broadens your emotional intelligence and helps you:

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 ● Take hardships in stride. By allowing you to view your frustrations and disappointments from
new perspectives, laughter and play enable you to survive annoyances, hard times, and
setbacks.
● Smooth over differences. Using gentle humor often helps you say things that might be
otherwise difficult to express without creating a flap.
● Simultaneously relax and energize yourself. Playful communication relieves fatigue and
relaxes your body, which allows you to recharge and accomplish more.
● Become more creative. When you loosen up, you free yourself of rigid ways of thinking and
being, allowing you to get creative and see things in new ways.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (EQ) SKILL 5: RESOLVE CONFLICT

POSITIVELY

Conflict and disagreements are inevitable in relationships. Two people can’t possibly have the same
needs, opinions, and expectations at all times. However, that needn’t be a bad thing. Resolving
conflict in healthy, constructive ways can strengthen trust between people. When conflict isn’t
perceived as threatening or punishing, it fosters freedom, creativity, and safety in relationships.

The ability to manage conflicts in a positive, trust-building way is supported by the previous four
skills of emotional intelligence. Once you know how to manage stress, stay emotionally present and
aware, communicate nonverbally, and use humor and play, you’ll be better equipped to handle
emotionally-charged situations and catch and defuse many issues before they escalate.

Tips for resolving conflict in a trust-building way:

● Stay focused in the present. When you are not holding on to old hurts and resentments, you
can recognize the reality of a current situation and view it as a new opportunity for resolving
old feelings about conflicts.
● Choose your arguments. Arguments take time and energy, especially if you want to resolve
them in a positive way. Consider what is worth arguing about and what is not.
● Forgive. Other people’s hurtful behavior is in the past. To resolve conflict, you need to give up
the urge to punish or seek revenge.
● End conflicts that can't be resolved. It takes two people to keep an argument going. You can
choose to disengage from a conflict, even if you still disagree.

What is your level of emotional awareness?

● Can you tolerate strong feelings, including anger, sadness, fear, disgust, and joy?
● Do you feel your emotions in your body? If you are sad or mad, do you experience physical
sensations in places like your stomach and chest?
● Do you ever make decisions based on “gut feelings” or use your emotions to guide your
decisions? When your body signals that something is wrong (stomach tightening, hair
standing on end) do you trust it?
● Are you comfortable with all of your emotions? Do you allow yourself to feel anger, sadness,
or fear without being judgmental or trying to suppress them?
● Do you pay attention to your every-changing emotional experience? Do you notice a variety
of emotions throughout the day or are you stuck in only one or two emotions?

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 ● Are you comfortable talking about your emotions? Do you communicate your feelings
honestly?
● Do you feel that, in general, others understand and empathize with your feelings? Are you
comfortable with others knowing your emotions?
● Are you sensitive to the emotions of others? Is it relatively easy for you to pick up on what
other people are feeling and put yourself in their shoes?

If you didn’t answer “usually” or even “sometimes” to most of these questions, you’re not alone. Most
people are not emotionally aware, but you can be, even if you have avoided some of your feelings for
a long time.

Acknowledgement: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eq5_raising_emotional_intelligence.htm

Further resources:
http://www.businessballs.com/eq.htm

http://psychology.about.com/od/personalitydevelopment/a/emotionalintell.htm

http://danielgoleman.info/topics/emotional-intelligence/

http://podcast.mwmclaughlin.com/podcasts/daniel-goleman/

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