Introduction
We are to varying degrees bisexual and some so little that
they’re completely straight. Everyone has subconscious fan-
tasies that indicate otherwise.
—Toby, age 20, white, part-time waiter
During the past few years, innovative ideas about both sexuality and
gender have exploded, driven primarily by young people, not by science.
Yet, there is a limited core of social and behavioral scientists who are
listening to young people express their substantially complicated under-
standings of their sexual, romantic, and gender selves. This book focuses
on bisexuality, which I believe necessarily includes sexual, romantic, and
gender fluidity; pansexuality; and nonbinary identities; and a host of
other ways of experiencing and describing sexual, romantic, and gender
aspects of the self. These perspectives might appall us or thrill us—but
they are real, and we need to understand them. Closets for sexual and
gender minorities still exist, but now there are far more ways to emerge
from them with authenticity and pride.
Although most developmental and sexual scientists, clinicians, edu-
cators, and parents now theoretically believe in the existence of bisexual-
ity, they are not always prepared to believe youths who come out to them
as bisexual—especially if it is their own subject, client, student, or child.
When 19-year-old celebrity model Woody Cook disclosed to his mother,
“Her first reaction was: ‘You can’t be, you like girls?’”1 Yes, most bisexu-
als like girls—and boys. Woody’s mother is highly educated, and yet, she
heard “gay” when her son said “bisexual.” This will be a common theme
running through the book—bisexual stereotypes are pervasive and dif-
ficult to dislodge. True, some bisexuals are psychologically confused (or
1
2 | Introduction
worse)—but no more so than straights and gays. Most simply go about
their daily lives, similar to their friends and comrades.
Who Is Bisexual?
Possible answers to this question include those who have a bisexual
identity, a bisexual “lifestyle,” or a mix of sexual and romantic desires,
attractions, and behaviors. Is it sufficient to ask someone whether they
identify as bisexual, or should we pursue biological proof? Is it merely
the sex or gender of those whom they have sex with or fall in love with?
Does one method have priority over another? These questions assume
we know who a bisexual is—and historically we have blundered because
we only thought in narrow, simplistic terms. Now consider the many
other sexual and gender terms that have gained currency: pansexual,
queer, plurisexual, fluid, asexual, nonbinary, androgynesexual, multisex-
ual, polysexual, omnisexual, and bi-romantic. What do they mean? I will
revisit some of these terms in this book, but for now I use “bisexual” to
refer to individuals who are, to varying degrees, sexually and/or roman-
tically attracted to multiple genders or sexes. Even if the word “bisexual”
is an inadequate namesake, it has currency with the public. Over time
we will develop better language.
For this book, I listened to the voices of 69 young adults who partici-
pated in one of three studies that focused on the spectrum of sexualities
and genders. All agreed to an in-depth interview about their sexual and
romantic development from their first memories to the present and to
their projected futures. The interview process followed the historian and
broadcaster Stud Terkel’s advice to throw out the intransigent protocol
and ask open-ended questions, not as an inquisition but as an explana-
tion: “Then, what happened?” Topics covered were broad, and then I
followed where the youths took me.
What the youths frequently shared was having an assortment of sex-
ual and romantic attractions, a mixture of sex and romance that did
not always correspond to their attractions, and a search for an identity
Introduction | 3
that made sense—maybe bisexual, trysexual, pansexual, fluid, unsure,
queer, asexual, questioning, or unlabeled. Most were in college at the
time of the interview, though not necessarily at the school where I teach.
Nearly three-quarters reported they are white and grew up in middle-or
upper-middle-class homes in small or medium-sized towns throughout
the United States; rural and urban areas were also represented. Their
academic majors spanned the full range of disciplines. Even though I
interviewed only a few multiattracted young adults of color, I highlight
in separate chapters the developmental trajectories of particular African
American, Latinx, and Asian American young adults as they considered
the unique interactions of their communities with their sexuality (see
appendix).
The interviewees’ revelations about their sexual and romantic histo-
ries were astonishing, entertaining, and enlightening. As to their mo-
tives that prompted their participation, I’m not sure, but at the end of
the interview, many thanked me for the opportunity to talk about their
sexual development. As to why, a common response was, “No one has
ever asked me these types of questions!” This sentiment is not an un-
usual one, as others who attend to self-narratives, such as the psycholo-
gists Niobe Way and Deborah Tolman, have told me. They discovered
in their interviews with youths details about their intimate friendships,
sexualities, and relationships that were novel, even unexpected. For ex-
ample, because Niobe Way listened to adolescent boys, who are “most
heavily stereotyped as stoic and only interested in one thing (i.e., sex),”
she learned that they wanted, maybe even needed—or else they “would
go ‘wacko’”—to talk about their social and emotional intimacies. The
boys could openly express “their love for their friends and emphasized
that sharing ‘deep’ secrets was the most important aspect of their clos-
est male friendships. . . . These patterns among boys have been ignored
by the larger culture because such expressions are considered by this
culture as girlish and gay.”2 With regard to girls, the writer and actress
Lena Dunham’s review of S. E. Hinton’s classic young-adult novel The
Outsiders suggests that what we thought we knew about adolescent girls
4 | Introduction
and boys is terribly naïve: “Teenage girls are hard-pressed to find a safe
vessel for the wild lust that gives them a fever but can just as quickly
scare them straight.” In support of Niobe Way, the book is also “pulsing
with teenage boys whose primary value is friendship and whose second-
ary interest is romance.”3 Young people want to tell us their stories, their
secrets, and all we have to do is to want to listen.
Questions for This Book
This book is a blend of scientific research on bisexuality and beyond with
excerpts I recorded from the life stories of young adults I interviewed
who have, to varying degrees, fervent, passionate, and deep-seated
attraction to multiple sexes/genders. Their stories complicate simplistic
research as to the nature and expression of bisexuality, pansexuality, flu-
idity, and nonbinary identities; their lives are far more nuanced and, at
times, contradictory to what we think we know. As applied to bisexual-
ity, they raise fundamental questions addressed in this book:
1. Why do more individuals have bisexual feelings or behavior than
identify as bisexual?
2. How much attraction or sex with each sex is necessary to be
bisexual?
3. Is a straight woman or man with occasional sex or crushes on the
same sex bisexual?
4. Can one have bisexual sex but not bisexual romance, or vice versa?
5. Is bisexuality advantageous from an evolutionary perspective?
6. Does bisexuality differ depending on race, ethnicity, social class,
and geography?
7. Are there different types of bisexuals, some more distressed or
healthier than others?
8. If one is bisexual now, does that mean one will be bisexual in the
future?
9. Are we entering a postidentity era?
Introduction | 5
The young people I interviewed with attractions to multiple sexes
and/or genders who generously shared their histories with me ranged
from mild to strong preferences for one sex over others; are sexually and
romantically attracted to varying degrees of body and personality types;
are happy, distressed, or blasé about their sexual and romantic lives; and
have stayed solidly bisexual or have become more or less fluid, nonbi-
nary, or pansexual over time. Some will stay where they are, and oth-
ers will drift in their sexual, romantic, and gender preferences. Though
some may have once hoped they might be slated to become exclusively
straight, gay, or lesbian, most have given that up.
Bisexual Resources
Another critical reason, other than familiarity, to maintain the “bisex-
ual” word and our generic understanding of what it means is the
visibility provided to those who might be questionably or negatively
besieged by their sexual or romantic life. Several online organizations
have evolved to help individuals cope with personal struggles by provid-
ing educational and supportive resources and advocating for their civic
and personal rights. Robyn Ochs, one of the nation’s foremost advocates
for the birthrights of individuals regardless of their orientation, sexual-
ity, and gender to live safely and openly with full access and opportunity,
has educated many regarding bisexual, pansexual, and nonbinary issues.
Her work is liberally used by many online resources, such as the follow-
ing national bisexual sites:
Bisexual.org: “A project designed to introduce our community to the world.
With this site, we hope to bring faces and voices of the bi community to the
world, share accurate information, answer questions, and provide resources
for further learning.”
Bi Resource Center: “Envisions a world where love is celebrated, regardless of
sexual orientation or gender expression. Because bisexuals today are still
misunderstood, marginalized and discriminated against, the BRC is com-
6 | Introduction
mitted to providing support to the bisexual community and raising public
awareness about bisexuality and bisexual people.”
Bisexual Organizing Project: “We are committed to building the bisexual,
pansexual, fluid, queer, and unlabeled (bi+) community through regular
events and the yearly national BECAUSE conference. BOP is welcoming
and inclusive of everyone, including but not limited to people of all gender
identities, sexual orientations, sexes, relationship orientations, ethnicities,
abilities, religions, and political affiliations.”
Unfortunately, these organizations did not—and perhaps could not—
help most of the young adults I interviewed, largely because the youths
did not consider themselves bisexual in a traditional understanding of
the term. Jacob watches gay porn and falls in love with women; Laura’s
Asian American culture cannot fathom bisexuality; and Malachi does
not care which biological equipment the love of his life has. Plus, there
are so many other options other than being bisexual. Millennial celebri-
ties such as the Olympic diver Tom Daley and the actors Anna Akana,
Brigette Lundy-Paine, Cory Michael Smith, and others have recently
come out—not as bisexual but as queer, fluid, pansexual, or something
else.4
