The Fourth & Fifth Rs

Respect and Responsibility

Volume 12, Issue 2 Fall 2006

Raising Children of Character: 10 Principles

Tom Lickona, Director, Center for the 4th and 5th Rs
Raising a civilized child takes 20 years of constant To establish an authoritative
teaching and another 10 of review. parenting style, we should have
—Judith Martin (Miss Manners) a zero tolerance policy for dis-
respectful speech and behavior.

P
arenting is arguably the hardest job there is and the When kids engage in disrespect-
one for which we get no training. Here are ten ful back-talk, they need imme-
principles of parenting that can guide us in the demand- diate corrective feedback
ing work of raising children of character. (“What is your tone of voice?”,
1. Make Character Development a High Priority “You are not allowed to speak
One of my college students, reflecting on her character to me in that way, even if you’re
development, wrote: “I was an only child, and my parents let upset.”). Allowing our children to
me have my own way most of the time. I know they wanted speak to us disrespectfully will quickly erode their respect for
to show how much they loved me, but I have struggled with our moral authority, our rules, our example, and our teaching.
selfishness my whole life.” 3. Love Children
When kids feel loved, they become attached to us. That
We need to view our children as adults-in-the-making.
attachment makes them receptive to our guidance.
What kind of character do we want them to possess as grown
men and women? Will they be generous and responsible One-on-one time. We need emotionally intimate time
adults? Will they make loving husbands and wives, and ca- to keep any relationship strong and growing. To protect one-
pable mothers and fathers? How is our approach to parenting on-one time with our children, we should plan it. I know a
likely to affect these outcomes? school superintendent, a father of four, who can show you
in his appointment book which child he’ll be spending the
2. Be an Authoritative Parent coming Saturday afternoon with. “If I didn’t schedule that
Parents must have a strong sense of their moral author- time,” he says, “it wouldn’t happen.”
ity—their right to be respected and obeyed. Psychologist
Diana Baumrind's research has identified three styles of Love as communication. Good communication
parenting: authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive. doesn’t happen automatically. We often need to do some-
Authoritarian parents use a lot of commands and threats but thing deliberate to bring about a meaningful exchange of
little reasoning. Permissive parents are high on affection but thoughts and experiences. When our older son Mark was
low on authority. By contrast, authoritative parents are high 13, I became frustrated with the fact that our exchanges
on authority, reasoning, fairness, and love. The authoritative typically consisted of my asking questions and his giving
parent "explains reasons behind demands, encourages monosyllabic answers. (“How was school?” “Fine.”
give and take, and sets standards and enforces them firmly “How’d the game go?” “Great.”) One day, in exasperation,
but does not regard self as infallible." Baumrind finds that I said: “It would be great if you asked me a question.”
at all age levels, the most self-confident and socially respon- He said, “Okay, Dad, how are your courses going this
sible children have authoritative parents. semester?” It was the first time I ever talked to him about
CENTER FOR THE 4TH AND 5TH Rs ! School of Education ! SUNY Cortland ! Cortland, NY 13045
Web site: www.cortland.edu/character ! E-mail: character@cortland.edu ! Ph. (607) 753-2455
Dr. Thomas Lickona, Editor ! Marthe Seales, Assistant Editor
my teaching. After that, even if we had only five minutes in offer positive role models and matter for moral discussion.
the car, we’d do “back-and-forth questions”: I’d ask him Books That Build Character by William Kilpatrick pro-
one (e.g., “What was the best part and the worst part of vides an excellent annotated bibliography of more than 300
your day?”), he’d ask me one (often the same question), books appropriate for different age levels.
and so on. It became a family tradition.
6. Use Direct Teaching to Form Habits and Conscience
Love as sacrifice. About a million children see their We need to practice what we preach, but we also need
parents divorce each year. Marriages fail for many reasons, to preach what we practice. Direct moral teaching helps to
including violence, alcoholism, and infidelity. Researcher develop a child’s habits and conscience. "Pick up your toys."
Judith Wallerstein's book, The Unexpected Legacy of Di- "Say please and thank you." "Don’t interrupt." "Look at a
vorce (2000), documents the often lasting repercussions of person who’s speaking to you." Hundreds of teachings like
family breakdown for both kids and adults. Given such evi- these communicate to children, “This is how we behave,”
dence, both secular and religious marriage counselors are “This is how we live.”
now urging married couples having problems to do every-
Direct teaching includes explaining why some things are
thing possible to try to save their marriage.
right and others wrong. Why is it wrong to lie? Because
4. Teach by Example lying destroys trust. Why is it wrong to cheat? Because
Teaching by example goes beyond treating our children cheating is a lie—it deceives another person. This kind of
with love and respect. It has to do with how we treat each moral reasoning helps children develop a conscience that
other as spouses and how we treat and talk about others will guide them when we're not around. Developing our kids’
outside the family—relatives, friends, neighbors, and teachers. decision-making skills also means teaching them certain
These days, the most important example we set may be “ethical tests” they can use to evaluate any given behavior.
the stands we take—especially stands that are unpopular (See box below.)
with our children or at odds with what other parents are Finally, direct teaching can also take the form of guiding
permitting. What do we prohibit? Violent video games? our children to a good book, article, or pamphlet. A Cana-
TV shows and movies that contain sex, violence, or foul dian mother told me she was at a loss for words when her
language? All forms of pornography? Immodest dress? 16-year-old daughter Lisa disclosed that she and her boy-
Parties where there’s drinking? Do our kids know where friend were thinking of having sex. When the mother said,
we stand on the great moral issues of the day—respect for “But sex is meant for love,” Lisa replied, “But we do love
life, war and peace, threats to the environment, the plight of each other, and this is how we want to express it.” To help
the poor? Stands like these define our values. a teenager reflect on the meaning of love, a parent could
5. Manage the Moral Environment offer a pamphlet such as Love Waits. It reads, in part:
How should we regulate kids' use of media—TV, mov-
ies, music, video games, and the Internet? The basic rule: 7 ETHICAL TESTS
The use of media in the home is a privilege, not a right. Ex- 1. The Golden Rule (reversibility) test:
ercise of that privilege requires parental permission and pres- Would I want people to do this to me?
ence. We should also thoughtfully explain our moral objec-
2. The what-if-everybody-did-this test: Would
tions to something rather than simply forbidding it. I like it if everyone else acted this way?
Today's moral environment also requires more vigilant 3. The parents test: How would my parents feel if
supervision of our children. The research report Building a they found out I did this?
Better Teenager (www.childtrends.org) finds that “hands- 4. The religion test: Does this go against what my
on” parents—those who know about their children’s activi- religious faith teaches?
ties, friends, and behaviors and monitor them in age-appro- 5. The conscience test: Will I feel guilty after-
priate ways—have teens with lower rates of sexual activity wards?
and drug and alcohol use. 6. The consequences test: Might this have bad con-
We should also expose our children to what is noble sequences, now or in the future?
and heroic. Somewhere in the evening paper there’s at least 7. The front-page test: How would I feel if my
one example of integrity, courage, or compassion. The action were reported on the front page of my home-
website www.teachwithmovies.com is a source of films that town paper?

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 Love is patient; love is kind. Love wants what is FAIRNESS AGREEMENT
best for another person. Love will never cross the line
between what’s right and wrong. It’s wrong to put one 1. If Mom has promised to do something with us,
another in danger of having to deal with hard choices, she will tell the person she is busy and will call
back later.
choices that could change your lives forever. Having
sex before marriage may feel right for the moment. But 2. We will make a list of things to do while Mom is
on the phone.
the possible costs of an unexpected pregnancy, abor-
tion, and sexually transmitted disease—as well as the 3. Mom will try to make her calls shorter.
deep hurts that can come from a broken relationship— 4. If Mom has to be on the phone for a longer time,
outweigh the feelings of the moment. If you are getting she will tell us, and we will behave.
to know someone—or are in a relationship—remember: Mom, Phillip, & Ben
If it’s love, love waits.
7. Discipline Wisely signed and posted. Two days later, Mom and the boys held
Disciplining wisely means setting expectations, holding a follow-up meeting. The mother reports: “We agreed we
kids accountable to them, and responding to their lapses in had stuck to our plan. The kids played together or did things
a way that both teaches what’s right and motivates the child independently when I was on the phone. I made calls shorter.
to do what’s right. This means discipline should be clear There has been much less hassling about this problem.”
and firm but not harsh. 9. Provide Opportunities to Practice the Virtues
Sometimes a disciplinary consequence is needed to help Virtues develop through practice. We don’t develop
kids realize the seriousness of what they’ve done and moti- character in kids simply by talking about it; they need real
vate them not to do it again. In imposing consequences, responsibilities in family life. A mother of three sons (ages 2,
however, many parents come down too hard in a moment 4, and 6) says: “The rule in our house is that you get a chore
of anger (“You’re grounded for a week!”) and end up going for each year of your age. Our boys are all very proud of
back on what they said. A better approach is to ask a child, what they do.” Children should not be paid for these chores;
“What do you think is a fair consequence for what you did?” such jobs are the way they contribute to the family.
Together the parent and child can then agree on a conse- 10. Foster Spiritual Development
quence that will help change behavior. "Religious Involvement and Children's Well-Being"
Restitution is also important: When you do something (www.childtrends.org) reports that young people who fre-
wrong, you should do something right to make up for it. quently attend religious services and say their faith is impor-
Restitution is restorative. We should teach our kids to ask: tant to them exhibit higher levels of altruism and lower levels
“What can I do to make up for what I did?” of drug and alcohol use and sexual activity. It is certainly
possible to be an ethical person without being religious, and
8. Solve Conflicts Fairly
having religious faith by no means guarantees that a person
Conflicts provide important opportunities to foster char-
will be good. But for many persons, religion gives life a higher
acter development. A fairness approach can be used to
meaning and an ultimate reason for leading a moral life. If
solve a wide range of family conflicts. It has three parts: (1)
we are not ourselves religious, we must nevertheless help
achieving mutual understanding; (2) arriving at a fair, agreed-
our children to develop a spiritual vision that address life's
upon solution to the problem; and (3) holding a follow-up
largest questions: What is the meaning of life? What is the
meeting to evaluate how the solution is working.
purpose of my life? What leads to authentic happiness?
One mom used the fairness approach with her sons
Phillip (7) and Ben (5) to address the problem of the kids
acting badly when she was on the phone. “The more we
K ids will make mistakes growing up, just as we did. That
said, it’s our job as parents to make the most of the
many opportunities we have to help our children become
talked,” the mother says, “the more I understood their feel- persons of character. "
ings of rejection when I’m on the phone for a long time. I
explained that with working and going to school, this is of- Tom Lickona's books include Raising Good Children
ten my only way of keeping in touch with friends.” Once (1983), Educating for Character (1991), and Charac-
they understood each other’s feelings, the mother, Phillip, ter Matters: How to Help Our Children Develop Good
and Ben were able to brainstorm solutions. They worked Judgment, Integrity, and Other Essential Virtues (2004).
out a Fairness Agreement (see box above), which they all This article is adapted from Character Matters.
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 From Chaos to Character:
Walnut Middle School's Story
Mary Ann Richards (right, in photo) & Vikki Deuel (left)
In 2003, received in Iraq or Afghanistan. Each student created a thank-
Wa l n u t you card for a wounded soldier, and PRIME Time raised
M i d d l e money to send 100 T-shirts for the soldiers to wear in rehab.
School (780 The shirts were decorated with a red heart surrounded by
students in Grand Island, Nebraska; 60% eligible for our Walnut logo and the words, "Thanks From the Heart of
free or reduced lunch) transformed itself from a place America."
all too familiar to local police to a winner of a Na-
2. Purple Hands Project
tional School of Character award—the only middle
Purple Hands—Hands and Words Are Not For
school recipient in the nation that year. In 2005, Wal-
Hurting (www.handsproject.org) is a national project de-
nut was recognized as an Operation Respect National
veloped to decrease the incidence of school violence and
Model School, one of five schools chosen from across
increase healthy relationships based on respect and equality
the U.S. and Canada.
among students. The Pledge encourages dialogue about all
forms of abuse and violence—including name-calling, belit-

W
hen our building transitioned from a junior high
to a middle school eight years ago, it had a repu- tling, put downs, and negative self talk that can escalate to
tation as the toughest school in our town of suicide and/or murder. The Pledge encourages "appropriate
50,000. Our police department was used to answering calls social language," which we define as being free from ob-
to take an assault report after the latest fight at Walnut. scenity and harassing or sexually demeaning comments.
As we moved toward the more student-centered atmo- We had a huge Purple Hands Pep Rally in our building
sphere of a middle school, our student services team com- to introduce the pro- gram to our school and
mitted to make our building a safer and more nurturing place to the larger community. Digni-
where students would want to treat each other with respect. taries from lo- cal government
Here are seven steps we have taken on our journey from and law en- forcement
chaos to character. joined high school athletes,
local pas- tors, and district
1. PRIME Time: Our Daily Advisory Program leaders to get Purple
Our daily advisory groups are the backbone of our pro- Hands off to a rousing start. Ev-
gram. We call it PRIME (People Relating in Middle Educa- eryone was in- vited to make the
tion) Time. About 15 students "belong to" one adult who Purple Hands Pledge: "I will not use
commits to relating to these students and advocating for my hands or my words for hurting myself or others." All
them. These small groups meet for 20 minutes Monday students and adults making this Pledge traced their hand on
through Friday and participate in planned activities aimed purple paper, cut out the hand print, and signed their name on
at fostering mutual respect and responsible behavior in both it for display in our building.
our school and the larger community. Our Prime Time facili-
tators (teachers and other staff) can choose from hundreds Over the intercom at the beginning of every school day,
of activities that our planning committee has prepared around students lead us in the Pledge of Allegiance followed by the
such character education themes as diversity and tolerance, Purple Hands Pledge. Students know that taking the Pledge
cooperation and self-control, and caring and sharing. each morning is a promise to take responsibility for their words
and actions during the day. The other middle schools in our
district have joined with us as Purple Hands partners. Local
Advisories are the backbone media coverage of the Pledge has helped our students feel
of our program. tremendous self-respect as community leaders.
This year, for example, students learned about Ameri- 3. Family Character College
can soldiers recovering in Walter Reed Hospital from wounds Each spring, Walnut families are invited to spend a Sat-
4
urday enjoying a day of activities that foster family bonding increased respect for themselves and their peers.
and communication. In the morning, parents attend courses 5. Anti-Bullying Initiatives
on topics such as communicating with their child or prevent- The entire Walnut staff attended the 1998 National
ing bullying (students teach the parents about our Bully Middle School Conference where we heard a presentation
B'ware program), while kids enjoy craft projects and group on the Bully B'ware program (www.bullybeware.com). Us-
activities aimed at character-building. In the afternoon, fami- ing materials from this program, we surveyed our students
lies play group-oriented games that build cooperation. Each to determine the scope of bullying in our building. We then
family leaves at the end of the day with a Character College were able to build our own strategies. These included:
Diploma and their own family portrait.
# Bully prevention classes. Facilitated by our counse-
4. C.O.P.S. Programs lors and Officer Rick, these classes are presented in the early
With our middle school transition under way for a year fall to 6th-graders, with 7th- and 8th-graders receiving "re-
and PRIME Time groups functioning cohesively, we investi- fresher courses." Students learn about the roles of bully,
gated the School Resource Officer programs used by the target, and bystander and about four different types of bul-
two largest school districts in Nebraska. We then pursued lying: physical, verbal, relational, and reactive. They also learn
the idea with our own city police department, resulting in how to take the power away from the bully and how to
our city's receiving a C.O.P.S. grant and Officer Rick Ressel "bully-proof" our school. Role-play skits help students build
moving his beat to Walnut Middle School. A full-time mem- their skills and also teach them how to report dangerous
ber of our staff, Officer Rick now leads the following programs: behavior when they witness it.
# "Stop Sexual Harassment!"classes. As students have
Students know that sexual come to believe that there is zero tolerance for bullying at
harassment is not tolerated. Walnut Middle School, they have become more open in con-
versations with adults. As a result, staff became aware of
# G.R.E.A.T. All Walnut 7th-graders see Officer Rick in sexual harassment within our building. Each year, Officer
their classrooms presenting the eight 45-minute lessons that Rick and a male counselor address this issue with 7th- and
make up the Gang Resistance Education And Training 8th-grade boys. A female counselor and a nurse talk with
curriculum. Designed by the Phoenix Police Department, the 7th- and 8th-grade girls. Two class sessions address stu-
program helps students set goals for themselves, resist pres- dent fears and concerns and raise their awareness of the
sures, learn how to resolve conflicts, and clearly understand right to be treated with respect in all situations, especially
how gangs impact their quality of life. Gang involvement had those with the potential to turn into sexual harassment. Stu-
been increasing in our community since the 1990s. This situ- dents come away knowing that sexual harassment is not
ation was brought home to Walnut when two young men with
siblings in our building were killed in gang-related incidents. SUMMER INSTITUTE
Since we began our G.R.E.A.T. program, gang incidents in IN CHARACTER EDUCATION
our building are almost non-existent, although gang activity
in the wider community remains a challenge. SAVE THE DATES! JUNE 25-28, 2007

#Summer youth program. With funding from a G.R.E.A.T. Smart and Good Schools:
grant, Officer Rick and his fellow SROs provide a two-week Bringing Out the Best in Students
session of summer fun and learning for 6th- and 7th-graders Keynote speakers and topics include:
and another two-week session later in the summer for 4th- Hal Urban, "Why Not Your Best?"
and 5th-graders. At-risk students receive special invitations Dennis Denenberg,"Teaching With Heroes"
and spend the two weeks receiving classroom instruction Charlie Abourjilie,"Maximizing Achievement Through
on G.R.E.A.T. topics such as goal-setting and conflict reso- High Expectations & Positive Relationships"
lution. The kids enjoy guest speakers, working on crafts, Tom Lickona & Matt Davidson,"Developing 8
acting in skits, and fun physical activities and field trips. The Strengths of Character"
school provides a hot lunch at no cost. Students come away Usha Balamore, "Teaching Goodness"
with new respect for law enforcement officers as human be- Plus a wide array of workshop choices
ings who care about and encourage kids. They also develop See www.cortland.edu/character

Any part of this newsletter may5be duplicated without permission.

OK and will not be tolerated at Walnut. desired character traits, they can make a positive difference
# Anger Management Group. Most kids identified as bul- in student behavior and student learning.
lies by their peers have a serious anger control problem. Sur-
prisingly, many kids identified as targets report having an Behavioral problems have
equally difficult time managing their anger. The school re- gone down and test scores up.
source officer and a counselor initiated Anger Group, serv-
ing 8-10 students each semester. The group meets for ten Decreased behavioral problems. Our students have
weeks, 45 minutes per session. Students are referred by learned to follow school rules and avoid displaying disrup-
teacher, administrators, or parents. Anger Group participants tive, aggressive behaviors. We have seen a significant de-
explore how anger works, build new skills to deal with trig- crease in police reports filed for personal injury assaults.
ger situations, and practice strategies for backing off before The box at the bottom left compares the frequency of four
their behavior results in serious consequences. categories of behavioral problems from the 98/99 school
year when school enrollment was 687 students, through the
6. Character Education Goes Extracurricular 05/06 school year when enrollment reached 808 students.
Walnut coaches stress character in all they do with stu- All four behavioral categories showed major declines.
dents. During every athletic contest, our players and coaches
watch for an opponent who shows positive character traits. Increased academic achievement. We're always
At the end of play, we present that player with a Walnut asked about the effect of character education on academic
Character Award medallion. achievement. The box below shows the rising percentage
of Walnut students who scored at the proficient level on
As a way of relating to students outside the classroom, Nebraska's state tests in reading, writing, and math during
every Walnut teacher agrees to sponsor an extracurricular the period 2003-2006. These numbers are used to deter-
club or activity. These clubs may meet weekly or may center mine Walnut's Annual Yearly Progress as it pertains to No
on events that happen during one season of the year. For Child Left Behind.
example, the Walnut Fishing Club kids, many of whom are
physically or educationally handicapped, love their fishing and PERCENT OF WALNUT STUDENTS SCORING
camping experiences each spring. As they spend time enjoy- AT THE PROFICIENT LEVEL
ing the outdoors, they build positive relationships and expe-
2003/04 2004/05 2005/06
rience a real sense of independence and accomplishment.
Math 61% 72% 75%
7. Evaluation: Does It Work? Reading 56% 59% 63%
There is an old saying: "In God we trust—all others bring Writing 47% 73% 67%
data." Evaluation is an essential part of our character educa-
tion effort. A review of the data from our character assess- During this same period of time, Walnut's special needs
ments reinforces our belief that when educators teach sub- index also increased from 116 to 127. This index is based
jects and facts along with behaviors and beliefs focusing on on the percentage of students who need special education
support, are English Language Learners, live in poverty, and/
FREQUENCY OF BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS or are minority students.
PROBLEM 98/99 99/00 00/01 01/02 03/04 04/05 05/06

Failure to Follow
Instructions/ 304 226 126 128 106 98 93
A s educators, we are in the business of changing lives.
Martin Buber said, "Education worthy of the name is
education of character." If we want to change lives, we have
School Rules to change character—the character of our kids and the char-
Disruptive acter of the school culture. That has been our experience at
Aggressive 146 61 51 48 26 21 14 Walnut. Putting character education at the center of our daily
Behavior
work has made us a different school. "
Sexually For a copy of the new Life Skills Rubric that Walnut
Harassing 60 90 29 20 20 17 14
Lang./Behavior is using to assess study skills, work completion, class-
room behaviors, and initiative and effort, contact
Police Reports
Personal Injury 48 36 26 15 11 12 8 counselor Mary Ann Richards (mrichard@gips.org)
Assaults or principal Vikki Deuel (vdeuel@gips.org).
Sign up for our "best practices" Smart & Good Schools EE-Newsletter at www.cortland.edu/character/highschool.
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