Cinderella: Did you hear that Snow White?

He woke her up with

true love’s kiss.
Snow White: This man, he wouldn’t have long blonde hair and the
divine smell of heroic masculinity would he?
Beauty: Yes. How did you know?
Cinderella: Oh shit.
Beauty: You know him?
Snow White: Know him, shagged him, married him. Soon to kill
him.
Beauty: I think you’ve got him mixed up with someone else.
Snow White: Maybe you’re right. Maybe he’s not the man we’re
thinking of.
(Sleeping Beauty goes to exit.)
Snow White: Oh what was his name love?
Snow White: } (Together)

A Charming Affair
Cinderella: }
Beauty: } Charming!
(A look of horror on Sleeping Beauty’s face and she walks back
into the clan.) by
Beauty: My charming has been …
Snow White: Giving us all a happy ever seeing to… yes. ‘Fraid so. Robert Scott
Beauty: The bastard
Snow White: That’s what I said.
Beauty: And that’s why he’s…
Cinderella: Working away all the time? Yes dear.
Beauty: (With an evil glare) Snow White… You haven’t still
got that poisoned apple have you?
Cinderella: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Snow White: (Calling Offstage) Waiter!
(Waiter enters.)
Waiter: (Nervously) Yes Ms White?
Snow White: (Picking up the menu) About that meal, could I have
a poisoned apple to go.
Waiter: (Nervously taking an apple out of his pocket) There
you go. No charge. (Exits.)
(All three look at the apple with a menacing smile.)
Beauty: When shall we three meet again? (Cackle.)
(Black out.)
(Cast Copy)
© 2012 by Robert Scott Page 8 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk
 Snow White: What are you saying?
A Charming Affair Cinderella: You know exactly what I’m saying.
© 2012 by Robert Scott Snow White: They got me through some tough times.
Cinderella: I bet they have… slut.
COPYRIGHT REGULATIONS Snow White: What did you just call me?
Cinderella: You heard.
This play is protected under the Copyright laws of the British Commonwealth Snow White: We were just friends.
of Nations and all countries of the Universal Copyright Conventions. Cinderella: Of course you were. Let’s face it, seven of them, one
All rights, including Stage, Motion Picture, Video, Radio, Television, Public of you.
Reading, and Translations into Foreign Languages, are strictly reserved. Snow White: Well what about you and Buttons? Leading him on
No part of this publication may lawfully be transmitted, stored in a retrieval all those years.
system, or reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, Cinderella: No I wasn’t.
photocopying, manuscript, typescript, recording, including video, or other- (Sleeping Beauty enters Stage Left and sees the two girls.)
wise, without prior consent of Lazy Bee Scripts. Beauty: Sorry to disturb you but I was trying to find
A licence, obtainable only from Lazy Bee Scripts, must be acquired for every somebody.
public or private performance of a script published by Lazy Bee Scripts and Snow White: We’re a little busy at the moment.
the appropriate royalty paid. If extra performances are arranged after a licence Beauty: Oh, I’m sorry. (Starts to walk away.)
has already been issued, it is essential that Lazy Bee Scripts be informed im- Cinderella: Who was it you were trying to find?
mediately and the appropriate royalty paid, whereupon an amended licence Beauty: The man of my dreams.
will be issued. Snow White: They don’t exist love. We’ve just found that out.
The availability of this script does not imply that it is automatically available Cinderella: What’s your name love?
for private or public performance, and Lazy Bee Scripts reserve the right to Beauty: Sleeping Beauty.
refuse to issue a licence to perform, for whatever reason. Therefore a licence Cinderella: Nice name. I’m Cinderella and this is Snow White.
should always be obtained before any rehearsals start. Beauty: Snow White? I’ve heard about you. My mother said
Major revisions to the text may not be made without the permission of Lazy she was surprised you could still call yourself ‘White’ after living
Bee Scripts. with seven men out of wedlock.
Cinderella: (Trying to keep the peace) Sorry I don’t think we
The name of the author must be displayed on all forms of advertising and pro- can help you. We haven’t seen any men for a while. Seen plenty
motional material, including posters, programmes and hand bills. of two timing bigamist weasels on the prowl but no men.
Photocopying of this script constitutes an infringement of copyright unless Beauty: Oh that’s a shame. I can’t find him anywhere. He
consent has been obtained from Lazy Bee Scripts and an appropriate fee has said he is returning today after fighting dragons.
been paid. Cinderella: Dragons?
Beauty: Yes. We’re newlyweds so you can imagine I was
FAILURE TO ABIDE BY ALL THE ABOVE REGULATIONS, CONSTITUTES upset when he had to work away. Only met three months ago. It
AN INFRINGEMENT OF THE COPYRIGHT LAWS OF GREAT BRITAIN. was so romantic. Woke me up with true love’s kiss.
(Snow White and Cinderella look horrified at each other.)
Beauty: Is something the matter?

© 2012 by Robert Scott Page 2 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk © 2012 by Robert Scott Page 7 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk
Snow White: No. Charming is my husband.
Cinderella: Are you sure?
Snow White: Of course I’m sure.
Cinderella: You mean, he’s married to both of us?
Snow White: (Disbelief) The bastard. How long have you been
married?
Cinderella: Four years.
Snow White: Ha! We’ve been married five!
Cinderella: It’s not a competition Snow. (Thinking) Mind you,
that does explain a lot. Flowers every week and he’s always
working away.
Snow White: He tells me he’s got to fight dragons in a far off land. A Charming Affair
Cinderella: That’s the same excuse he uses on me. by
Snow White: The bastard.
(Pause.) Robert Scott
Snow White: Well as I said we married first. So he’s mine.
Cinderella: (Angry) Oh no, it doesn’t work like that. Out of the Characters:
two of us, I’m the most princess-like. Waiter
Snow White: (Standing) Oh because you’re Miss Perfect aren’t Snow White
you! The only way you can get a man is through your fairy Cinderella
godmother! If that wasn’t bad enough you have to make a Sleeping Beauty
complete spectacle of yourself leaving bits of clothing lying all
over the place and travelling home in a pumpkin.
Cinderella: (Standing) Bits of clothing? It was one slipper!
Anyway, how do you know about that?
Snow White: Cindy, everybody knows about that. The damn
waiter tried to pass it off as a champagne glass.
(Waiter enters.)
Waiter: Is madam ready to order?
(They both give the waiter a menacing stare.) Published by Lazy Bee Scripts
Waiter: (Petrified) I’ll give you a couple more minutes.
(Waiter backs away and exits.)
Cinderella: I’m sorry some of us couldn’t afford a real coach
(Coughs) Gold digger! And I’m sorry if I didn’t have a magic
mirror telling me how beautiful I was every five minutes. It was a
tough time for me. Some of us didn’t have seven men flashing
their wages to impress their housekeeper. Yes, I heard about you
shacked up in your little cottage with all those miners.

© 2012 by Robert Scott Page 6 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk © 2012 by Robert Scott Page 3 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk
 A Charming Affair Snow White: (Awkwardly) She tried to kill me.
Cinderella: No! Mind you, I always thought there was something
about her. How did she…
(Lights up to reveal Snow White in a café seated at a small table Snow White: Poisoned apple.
Centrestage. There is another chair opposite her. She is reading a Cinderella: Really?
book and slowly sipping her coffee. She is looking at the menu. A Show White: Yes. Luckily I was saved in the nick of time.
Waiter enters from Stage Right.) Cinderella: By whom?
Waiter: Are you ready to order Ms White? Snow White: My husband, well he wasn’t my husband then of
Snow White: Perhaps. I’m still choosing. What comes with the course.
beanstalk beans? Cinderella: Oh wow. I didn’t know you were married.
Waiter: A giant, a goose and a golden harp ma’am. Snow White: Yes. Five years.
Snow White: Oh. In that case I’ll pass. What about the pumpkin Cinderella: Yes I’m married.
surprise? Snow White: Congratulations. Anybody I know?
Waiter: Yes ma’am? Cinderella: I doubt it. He’s a prince.
Snow White: What is the surprise? Snow White: Oooh. Very nice. My husband is a prince too.
Waiter: It becomes a coach between the times of 8pm and Cinderella: (A jealous pause) Really? That’s lovely dear. My
midnight husband has his own palace.
Snow White: I see. Could I have a few minutes to look over the Snow White: That’s nice. So does mine. (Pause.) My husband
menu? says I was love at first sight.
Waiter: Of course Ms White. Cinderella: Bless. My husband searched the entire village for me
(Cinderella enters Stage Left and spots Snow White.) with my missing shoe.
Cinderella: Snow? Snow White, is that you? Snow White: Very romantic. My husband brought me back to life
Snow White: Cinderella! (Standing up and embracing her) with true love’s kiss.
Wow! It’s good to see you. Cinderella: Aww. I’m sure that would have been the case for me
Cinderella: How long has it been? too if I’d accepted fruit from strangers.
Snow White: Must have been ten years. I haven’t seen you since Snow White: (Taking offence) She wasn’t a stranger. She was my
the high school dance. Come, sit down. Stepmother in disguise.
(They sit.) Cinderella: Oh that’s alright then.
Cinderella: So how are you? Snow White: (Changing her attitude) Let’s not argue about it.
Snow White: Happy. Very happy. And yourself? The important thing is we’ve got our Princes.
Cinderella: Also, very happy. Cinderella: Exactly right.
Snow White: That’s wonderful news. We couldn’t wish for more. Snow White: } (Together)
Cinderella: Quite true. Cinderella: } What’s his name? Sorry you go first. (Pause.)
Snow White: So how’s the family? Prince Charming.
Cinderella: (Awkwardly) Good, but we don’t particularly see my (A pause while they take the news in.)
step sisters any more. Cinderella: Charming?
Snow White: Yes, I heard about that. Nasty business. Snow White: That’s what I said.
Cinderella: What about you? How’s your stepmother? Cinderella: But that’s my husband.

© 2012 by Robert Scott Page 4 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk © 2012 by Robert Scott Page 5 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk