0% found this document useful (0 votes)
109 views26 pages

Bairstow 2016

This article provides guidelines for therapists working with couples who want to explore becoming non-monogamous. The guidelines include educating oneself about non-monogamy, identifying one's own values regarding non-monogamy, working with each partner's definition of non-monogamy, being aware that partners may have different concerns, addressing any existing infidelity, avoiding assumptions about impacts on the relationship, and recognizing that opening the relationship is an ongoing process. The article notes that while literature celebrates or criticizes non-monogamy, little provides guidance for therapists specifically on working with non-monogamous clients or couples wishing to transition from monogamy to non-monogamy.

Uploaded by

Ana Clara Gomes
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
0% found this document useful (0 votes)
109 views26 pages

Bairstow 2016

This article provides guidelines for therapists working with couples who want to explore becoming non-monogamous. The guidelines include educating oneself about non-monogamy, identifying one's own values regarding non-monogamy, working with each partner's definition of non-monogamy, being aware that partners may have different concerns, addressing any existing infidelity, avoiding assumptions about impacts on the relationship, and recognizing that opening the relationship is an ongoing process. The article notes that while literature celebrates or criticizes non-monogamy, little provides guidance for therapists specifically on working with non-monogamous clients or couples wishing to transition from monogamy to non-monogamy.

Uploaded by

Ana Clara Gomes
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
You are on page 1/ 26

Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy

ISSN: 0092-623X (Print) 1521-0715 (Online) Journal homepage: http://www.tandfonline.com/loi/usmt20

Couples Exploring Non-Monogamy: Guidelines for


Therapists

Adrienne Bairstow

To cite this article: Adrienne Bairstow (2016): Couples Exploring Non-Monogamy: Guidelines
for Therapists, Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, DOI: 10.1080/0092623X.2016.1164782

To link to this article: http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1164782

Accepted author version posted online: 30


Mar 2016.

Submit your article to this journal

Article views: 2

View related articles

View Crossmark data

Full Terms & Conditions of access and use can be found at


http://www.tandfonline.com/action/journalInformation?journalCode=usmt20

Download by: [George Washington University] Date: 05 April 2016, At: 13:09
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

COUPLES EXPLORING NON-MONOGAMY

Couples Exploring Non-Monogamy: Guidelines for Therapists

Adrienne Bairstow*

Widener University, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

*
Corresponding Author E-mail: ambairstow@mail.widener.edu
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

Abstract

A population that is potentially challenging for couple and family therapists to work with is that

of couples who want to explore non-monogamy. For many therapists, non-monogamy challenges

personal values and beliefs, and there is little in the literature to support therapists in achieving

cultural competency in this area. Based on a review of Western clinical literature over the past 20

years, and on the author’s clinical experience, the author provides therapists with guidelines to

use with couples who want to explore the possibility of becoming non-monogamous. The

guidelines include: 1) Educate oneself about non-monogamy, 2) Identify one’s own values and

beliefs related to non-monogamy, 3) Work with the couple’s definition of non-monogamy, 4) Be

aware that partners may have varying concerns about non-monogamy, 5) Address infidelity if

present, 6) Avoid assumptions about the ways non-monogamy will impact the relationship; and

7) Recognize that opening a relationship is an ongoing process.

Keywords

non-monogamy, open relationships, polyamory, therapy

1
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

2
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

The field of couple and family therapy has expanded in recent years to include broader

definitions of coupledom with the inclusion of lesbian and gay relationships (Addison &

Coolhart, 2015). Despite a broader definition of what constitutes a relationship, the literature

continues to emphasize the couple unit as a monogamous partnership, unless discussing

infidelity (i.e. non-consensual non-monogamy). Popular press provides several how-to-type

guides for couples and singles interested in consensual non-monogamy (e.g. Benson, 2008;
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

Easton & Hardy, 2009; Matik, 2002; Taormino, 2008); however, in a review of the academic

literature in the past 20 years, there is little aimed at therapists regarding ways to successfully

work with couples who want to explore the possibility of becoming consensually non-

monogamous. Attitudes toward monogamy and non-monogamy vary across cultures and time

periods. This paper is situated in a contemporary, North American context and refers to literature

from Western societies. In this article, “monogamy” refers to one sexual/romantic partner at a

time, “infidelity” refers to sexual and/or emotional relationships outside of a monogamous

relationship, and non-monogamy refers to various forms of relationships in which both partners

have agreed that the relationship is not monogamous.

Barker and Langdridge (2010) note that much of the current academic writing on non-

monogamy focuses either on celebrating the opportunities or on criticizing the impacts of these

relationship styles. Other work focuses on non-monogamy within specific communities, such as

gay men (e.g. Bettinger, 2005; Pawlicki & Larson, 2011; Shernoff, 2006), bisexual men and

women (e.g. McLean, 2011; Weitzman, 2006), and those who are HIV positive (Wagner,

Remien, & Dieguez, 2000). There is little in the literature which provides a specific set of

guidelines for therapists on how to conduct therapy with non-monogamous clients as a whole

3
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

(although Berry & Barker, 2014, and Weitzman, 2006 are exceptions) and less still that provides

direction to therapists working with clients who wish to transition from a monogamous

relationship to one that is non-monogamous.

This article is intended for therapists with little experience working with non-

monogamous clients, whether they are beginner or seasoned therapists. It provides a set of

guidelines for working with couples who wish to explore the possibility of opening their
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

relationship; that is, to transition from a monogamous relationship to a non-monogamous one.

These guidelines include:

1. Educate oneself about non-monogamy;

2. Identify one’s own values and beliefs related to non-monogamy;

3. Work with the couple’s definition of non-monogamy;

4. Be aware that partners may have varying concerns about non-monogamy;

5. Address infidelity if present;

6. Avoid assumptions about the ways non-monogamy will impact the relationship;

and

7. Recognize that opening a relationship is an on-going process.

The guidelines provided here are relevant regardless of the particular communities the

clients identify with in terms of sexual orientation, culture, spirituality, etc. Therapists should

4
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

seek out additional information for the specific communities to which their clients belong, in

addition to following the guidelines for working with non-monogamy.

Educate Oneself About Non-Monogamy

Many therapists lack training related to working with non-monogamous clients and few

graduate level clinical training programs include the topic (Weitzman, Davidson, & Phillips,

2009; Rubin, 2001). Non-monogamy writers recognize that therapists may be a helpful resource
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

to individuals and couples engaging in non-monogamy (Graham, 2014; Labriola, 2010) and

while resources on the topic are starting to accumulate, therapists will likely need to look beyond

traditional sources in order to educate themselves. Therapists may consult books, workshops, and

online communities directed at non-monogamous couples in order to gain familiarity with the

topic.

Therapists should familiarize themselves with some basic terms before working with

couples who wish to explore the possibility of opening their relationship. Non-monogamy may

take many different forms and there can be some variation in the ways the different forms of

non-monogamy are defined. Therapists can start with a basic understanding of the terms while at

the same time acknowledging that such terms may be used differently by each person.

Some forms of non-monogamy are centered around a primary couple that has additional

sexual and/or romantic relationships outside of the partnership while still keeping the couple as

the central relationship unit. “Partnered non-monogamy” has been defined as a relationship

between a committed couple that allows for sexual relationships outside of the couple; these

extradyadic relationships are generally considered to be casual and commitment free (Taormino,

5
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

2008). Similarly, “swinging” generally refers to a couple that engages in recreational sex outside

of the dyadic couple, while remaining emotionally monogamous. Swinging couples often engage

in sexual activity with other couples, often at events arranged for this purpose (Jenks, 1998).

Swinging has been described as a method of teasing and arousing one’s primary partner, who

may get aroused at their partner’s sexual involvement with another person. Couples arrive at

events together and leave together, presenting themselves as a couple around which other sexual
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

activity occurs in a manner that preserves the dyad (McDonald, 2012).

In contrast to partnered non-monogamy and swinging, “polyamory” and “polyfidelity”

refer to relationships with multiple partners that include emotional involvement. Polyamorous

relationships have been conceptualized as relationships that include the possibility of loving

more than one person at a time with the knowledge of all parties and without engaging in

betrayal or deception (White, 2004). Those who engage in polyamory may still be members of a

central dyad (a primary relationship) with other partners as secondary. Other polyamorous

couples choose not to see a hierarchy between partners. The term polyfidelity is commonly used

to describe a group consisting of multiple partners who have made a commitment to be in a

primary relationship with each other (Taormino, 2008).

Weitzman (2006) notes that the mental health field has a history of pathologizing non-

monogamy, and even when therapists are open-minded about non-monogamy, clients often end

up educating therapists about relevant issues. Therapist self-education prior to working with non-

monogamous clients can avoid wasting the client’s time on basic information (McCoy, Stinson,

Ross, & Hjelmstad, 2015). By educating themselves about the issues relevant to non-monogamy,

6
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

therapists demonstrate openness and respect. Therapists can become more knowledgeable about

the relevant issues by reading popular press books for non-monogamous couples, such as

“Opening Up” (Taormino, 2008) and “Love in Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice on Open

Relationships” (Labriola, 2010).

Identify Values and Beliefs Related to Non-Monogamy

In order to effectively work with couples who wish to discuss the possibility of opening their
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

relationships, therapists must identify their own beliefs about non-monogamy. Within North

America, monogamy is viewed as normative despite the fact that across history and cultures non-

monogamy has been the more pervasive relationship structure (Conley, Ziegler, Moors, Matsick,

& Valentine, 2013). Therapists may also be shaped by this mononormative context. Conley and

colleagues conducted a series of four studies utilizing both quantitative and qualitative

techniques with college and community samples, aimed at determining attitudes towards non-

monogamy and monogamy. Overall, the studies demonstrated pervasive negative bias toward

non-monogamy and positive bias toward monogamy, termed a “halo effect” by the authors

(Conley, Moors, Matsick, & Ziegler, 2013). In one of the studies, more than 1000 participants

were asked to rate relationship scenarios on whether or not they possessed certain benefits (such

as stability, companionship, closeness, etc.); participants demonstrated high rates of negative

bias towards non-monogamous relationships and the individuals who engage in these

relationships (Conley, Moors, Matsick, & Ziegler, 2013). Conversely, summarizing the results of

the four studies, monogamy was perceived to confer numerous benefits including protection

against sexually transmitted infections (STIs), more frequent and better quality sex, less jealousy,

7
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

and increased trust and relationship satisfaction (Conley, Ziegler, Moors, Matsick, & Valentine,

2013). Therapists may also ascribe to these beliefs, thereby impacting their work with couples

exploring non-monogamy.

Much of the existing research on non-monogamy within the field of couple and family

therapy is focused on infidelity and affairs, and therapists likely have first-hand experience

seeing the devastation that can be caused by this type of exception to monogamy. Having seen
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

the impact of non-consensual non-monogamy, combined with exposure to a pervasive societal

norm of monogamy, therapists will likely have some biases about open relationships that they

bring into the their work (Brandon, 2011). Therapists may start by reflecting on what they have

seen and heard about monogamy and non-monogamy, identifying their own ideas about what

constitutes a healthy relationship, and examining factors which have shaped these beliefs. To

reflect on their values, therapists may ask themselves a series of questions on the topic. For

example, where do my values and opinions on monogamy come from? What feelings come up

when I think about people who have different values? What positive and negative examples of

monogamy and non-monogamy have I seen? What judgments do I make about people who

engage in non-monogamy? How might my attitudes impact my work with couples who want to

explore opening their relationship? The goal here is not to eliminate personal values, but to

become aware of them and the ways therapist values may show up in the therapy room.

Awareness of one’s own values is not sufficient to ensure that these values do not encroach on a

therapist’s work with clients. As with other instances of countertransference, therapists may find

it helpful to process their reactions in supervision, with their own therapist, or in self-reflection

8
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

exercises. Journal writing about values and beliefs related to monogamy and non-monogamy

may be helpful in this regard (Berry & Barker, 2014). In some cases, these reflective exercises

may illustrate that the therapist’s beliefs will not allow working with non-monogamous clients

without the work being impacted by their own values. In such cases the therapist should refer

clients to another therapist who is comfortable working with this topic.

Finn, Tunariu and Lee (2012) observed that the body of literature on consensual non-
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

monogamy tends to focus on a primary relationship prioritized above other relationships, a

format that reinforces traditional notions of monogamy by placing the couple unit as the

standard. The authors note that, even among therapists who proclaim themselves to be supportive

of non-monogamy, non-monogamy is often seen as something that must be tolerated or used as a

means of supporting the dyadic couple rather than as a construct on its own, outside of its

relation to a couple. This bias toward non-monogamy organized around a primary relationship

may be harmful when working with couples who wish to engage in forms of non-monogamy

such as polyamory or polyfidelity.

Keener (2004) notes that due to experiences of discrimination, non-monogamous couples

may present for therapy with increased needs for acceptance and normalization. This may also be

true for monogamous couples that wish to explore the possibility of opening their relationship. In

a society that views monogamy as the norm, couples who wish to become non-monogamous

may be fearful of encountering prejudice, or of having their desire for non-monogamy viewed as

a symptom of problems within the relationship. Therapists that are educated about non-

monogamy and have explored their own values on the subject are therefore in a unique position

9
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

to work with clients, and normalize their desire to explore non-monogamy. At the same time,

therapists have a responsibility to help explore the possible impact of deciding to open the

relationship, rather than merely supporting this possibility without question. Demonstrating

knowledge of and comfort with non-monogamy helps to create a strong therapeutic alliance that

allows the therapist to gently challenge clients if it appears that they may not have examined the

potential effects of certain courses of action.


Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

Work with the Couple’s Definition of Non-Monogamy

In addition to familiarizing oneself with the topic of non-monogamy and common usage of

relevant terms, therapists must also be prepared to learn from their clients and adjust their

understanding of what is meant by these terms for each client with whom they work. The

definition of non-monogamy changes from couple to couple, and can even change within a

couple over time (McLean, 2004). Even after they have gained experience with non-

monogamous clients, therapists will need to continue to approach each couple with curiosity and

a willingness to understand each client’s individual perspective. Therapists can explore both

partners’ understanding of non-monogamy and the form to which he or she is most drawn. This

process should make explicit any differences in expectations between the clients, and reveal

areas for further discussion within the therapeutic process. For example, if there are differences

in expectation about the desired level of emotional engagement for extra-dyadic relationships,

one partner may feel betrayed. The therapist can assist the couple in processing these feelings.

Therapeutic work must take into account the individual experience of the clients. Berry

and Barker (2014) suggest the use of existential therapy, with its emphasis on exploring

10
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

meaning, with non-monogamous clients; the client and therapist engage in exploration of the

client’s lived experience and sexual choices. Therapists are encouraged to set aside preconceived

beliefs and personal values (a process known as bracketing) and then contextualize the client’s

experience within the client’s broader life and as shaped by external frameworks (known as

horizontalizing).

Whether one identifies as an existential therapist or not, this practice of seeing the client’s
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

experience with non-monogamy as both individual and unique, and situated within a broader

context of the clients’ lives and society as a whole, ensures that therapy will be tailored to each

couple on a case-by-case basis. In working with couples who are looking to become non-

monogamous, this process can help each partner have a greater understanding of the meaning of

non-monogamy, to themselves and to each other.

The use of terminology must take into account each client’s own definitions. For example,

Shernoff (2006) notes that the term fidelity can have multiple meanings. Heterosexual

monogamous couples often use the term as a synonym for monogamy, as do gay male couples

that have an explicit agreement to be sexually exclusive. Among couples who have agreed to be

non-monogamous, fidelity may refer to the emotional primacy of the dyadic relationship and to

acting within the rules the couple has created about extradyadic relationships. In such a situation,

infidelity could refer to extradyadic involvements that include an emotional connection that is

viewed as a threat to the primary relationship.

Be Aware That Partners May Have Varying Concerns About Non-Monogamy

11
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

It is rare for both partners to be equally interested and ready to become non-monogamous.

Partners may have different concerns about the implications of non-monogamy. For example,

one may be worried about jealousy, while the other may be worried about the perception of

family and friends. One way of addressing the concerns of each partner is to explore the meaning

each person makes of concepts such as love, relationships, intimacy, sex, and non-monogamy.

Existential therapists will be familiar with the process of exploring a client’s subjective
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

experience to reveal the client’s own meaning in the context of their life and social world (Berry

& Barker, 2014). Therapists who do not identify as existentialist in orientation will also be

familiar with the process of helping clients explore the meaning they make of certain events and

concepts, how they developed this understanding, and the purpose it serves in their life. For

example, cognitive behavior therapists may challenge distorted thoughts one partner might have

about the other’s interest in non-monogamy, such as the thought that it means the partner does

not love him or her enough.

In addition to the possibility of the partners having different concerns, the broader context of the

relationship must be considered. How does the couple deal with conflict? How do differences of

opinion get resolved? Who decides when the couple has sex? What happens when one partner

wants to have sex and the other does not? Does each partner feel secure enough in the

relationship to discuss challenging topics? If one partner is reluctant to open the relationship,

issues of power will be a necessary component of the therapy. Therapists can begin to help

couples explore issues of power within the relationship in general and in the sexual realm

specifically, by addressing the above topics.

12
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

Weitzman (2006), in speaking of polyamory, notes that the process of coming out to

oneself as non-monogamous can bring with it feelings of excitement about this newly recognized

aspect of one’s identity. At the same time, there may be feelings of fear or hurt that the

relationship they entered may be changing. Therapists will need to acknowledge and validate

both positive and negative feelings in each partner, and assist partners in bridging the gaps

between their feelings.


Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

As with other sexual concerns in therapy, there can be a tendency for clients considering non-

monogamy to focus exclusively on the sexual aspect of the relationship. Therapists must

contextualize the sexual component within the relationship as a whole, and help the couple to

explore the impact non-monogamy may have on the rest of the relationship. Topics to explore

include finances, time management, and childcare, as well as sexual concerns such as condom

use, STIs, and unplanned pregnancy.

Address Infidelity if Present

At times, therapy is initiated after one partner’s non-consensual sexual involvement outside of

the couple in what had previously been a monogamous couple. Prior to discussing the possibility

of opening the relationship, and the boundaries or guidelines the couple might like to have for

this, the issue of the infidelity must first be addressed.

Infidelity has been viewed as a threat to the attachment security between the couple that results

in heightened insecurity and attachment needs in the partner of the unfaithful spouse; needs that

must be addressed if the relationship is to continue (Johnson, 2005). Fears of abandonment and

13
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

feelings of hurt must be addressed before the couple can begin to explore the possibility of

transitioning to a non-monogamous relationship.

The effects of infidelity may last for some time. Even after the couple has worked

through the pain of infidelity, they may experience triggers that re-ignite hurt feelings when they

encounter something that reminds them of the betrayal, and the unfaithful partner must be

prepared to express reassurance and contrition when this occurs (Bow, 2005). Couples who
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

choose to become non-monogamous after an experience of infidelity should anticipate that, even

if they have worked to resolve the affair, triggers may occur in the future. Therapists can validate

client feelings as they discuss possible triggers and strategies for coping with these situations

should they arise.

In consensually non-monogamous relationships, infidelity may also refer to the breaking

of agreed upon rules for extradyadic relationships. For couples that have experienced infidelity

prior to becoming monogamous, this may resurface old feelings of betrayal. In couples without

previous infidelity, the breaking of rules for non-monogamy may be experienced in much the

same way as infidelity within a monogamous couple (Shernoff, 2006). Such an experience may

occasion a return to therapy for the couple.

The impact of infidelity within the partnership, whether referring to extradyadic relationships in

a couple that had previously assumed they were monogamous, or referring to breaking the

agreed upon rules for non-monogamy, may include fears about contracting HIV or other STIs.

These fears should be addressed within the couple therapy, as well as the feelings of betrayal that

may be compounded by health risks related to infidelity. Placing undue focus on these fears may

14
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

be used as a way of avoiding the feelings of hurt and distrust arising from the betrayal (Shernoff,

2006). Therapists should be aware of this possibility and use their clinical skills to move beyond

the fears about health to address the other issues surrounding the infidelity should they arise.

Do Not Assume How Non-Monogamy Will Impact the Relationship

Therapists may worry about the impact of extradyadic relationships on the couple, given that

monogamy is the predominant cultural norm and impacts the values of a therapist. Experience in
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

working with clients suffering the effects of infidelity may also predispose therapists to look for

negative outcomes as a result of non-monogamy. Research suggests that non-monogamy alone

may not have a negative impact on the relationship. Couples with negotiated non-monogamy,

where both partners are aware and have chosen to be non-monogamous, have been found to have

lower levels of psychological distress than couples that have not negotiated non-monogamy but

have engaged in extradyadic sexual activity in secret (LaScala, 2004; Wagner, Remien, &

Dieguez, 2000). Gay male non-monogamous couples have no significant difference in the quality

of the relationship or in relationship satisfaction compared to monogamous gay couples

(LaScala, 2004, 2005; Wagner, Remien, & Dieguez, 2000).

Non-monogamy may have a positive impact on the relationship. Extradyadic sexual or romantic

relationships may bring new dimensions to the couple’s relationship with each other (White,

2004). In a qualitative study on polyamorous individuals, participants noted benefits of

polyamory including the ability to have diverse relationships that meet differing needs, an

expanded support network, the experience of shared love, and compersion (a term that refers to

taking joy in one’s partner’s pleasure from other relationships, often called the opposite of

15
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

jealousy) (Keener, 2004). Other benefits include the opportunity to have relationships with

multiple genders, to speak openly about attractions outside of the dyadic relationship, and the

opportunity to express different parts of oneself with different partners (Weitzman, 2006).

Non-monogamy allows for an individual’s relational needs to be met by multiple partners, rather

than relying on one partner to meet all needs. For couples in which one or both partners are

bisexual, non-monogamy offers the opportunity to have relationships with multiple genders.
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

However, there is also the possibility for the couple to engage in gender monogamy, whereby

extradyadic relationships are not with the gender of that of the dyadic partner (Weitzman, 2006).

For example, in a heterosexual relationship, it may be agreed upon that the woman may have

relationships with women, but not with other men.

In a study of polyamorous individuals, Mitchell, Bartholomew and Cobb (2014) found that need

fulfillment within both the primary and secondary relationship was consistently high with both

partners. The researchers also found that it is unlikely that need fulfillment with one partner has a

meaningful effect on the level of satisfaction the person experiences with the other partner. The

results suggest that the relationships of polyamorous partners tend to function independently of

each other; the fact of having multiple partnerships does not in and of itself have a strong impact

on the dyadic relationship.

Non-monogamy can also have a negative impact on the couple. Challenges include

jealousy, time management concerns, and difficulties with trust (Keener, 2004). While it is not

possible to fully anticipate all scenarios that may occur upon opening a relationship, therapists

can help the couple discuss areas for concern that may occur in the future. Therapists should not

16
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

simply accept the client’s desire to open the relationship without exploring the possible

consequences, a danger for some therapists who wish to demonstrate their openness to non-

monogamy. Part of the therapist’s role is to assist clients in examining the potential

consequences of their actions, so that the couple may determine whether or not they are willing

to accept the risks of opening the relationship. This may be especially relevant in couples in

which one partner has more concerns than the other. Therapists can facilitate conversations in
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

which both partners discuss their concerns, and validate each partner’s experience.

Gay and lesbian couples that become non-monogamous face the additional challenge of

going against not only heteronormative standards, but also monogamous standards. Bisexual

couples in open relationships face stigma on two counts: 1) by refusing to conform to the

dichotomies of gay or straight, and 2) for acting against the value of monogamy that is

entrenched in our society (McLean, 2011). Therapists can acknowledge these challenges and

normalize the couple’s experience.

Recognize that Opening a Relationship is an Ongoing Process

If the couple does choose to pursue a non-monogamous relationship, therapists should be

prepared to continue to work with the couple for a period of time after they have done so, if

needed. There are many decisions for a couple to make when negotiating the parameters of a

non-monogamous relationship, and new situations will continually arise throughout the

relationship. It is impossible to foresee all potential situations or anticipate how each partner will

feel after the relationship is actually opened. Once put into practice, one or both partners may

realize that certain agreements do not work as well as expected. Through the course of therapy,

17
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

the couple may have developed the communication skills and security necessary to address these

re-negotiations on their own. As with the termination of any couple therapy, the therapist should

assure the couple that they are welcome to return in the future if needed. The therapist may also

discuss with the couple what signs to look for that may indicate a return to therapy, whether

specific to non-monogamy or not.

One such situation that may indicate a return to therapy includes the phenomenon of new
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

relationship energy (NRE). NRE refers to the excitement that occurs when involved in a new

relationship (Keener, 2004). NRE can result in focusing extra energy on the new relationship to

the exclusion of others. Therapists can help couples process feelings of hurt and jealousy that

may arise, a situation that may occur at the start of a new relationship even with couples who

have been consensually non-monogamous for some time.

Within non-monogamy, jealousy is seen as a problem not only for the person experiencing the

feeling, but also for the partner and for the relationship as a whole (Mint, 2012). Therapists can

facilitate conversations about jealousy, assisting the hurt partner in conveying their feelings in a

soft manner and the other partner in providing needed reassurance. While the therapist can help

the partner of the jealous party give reassurance, they can also assist the jealous individual in

identifying and coping with their own feelings rather than putting blame onto their partner (i.e.

their partner does not “make” them feel jealous) (Easton, 2012). Therapists can facilitate client

exploration of the roots of jealous feelings, such as feeling taken for granted, low self-esteem,

societal messages, or childhood experiences of not having needs met.

18
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

The forms of non-monogamy vary not only from couple to couple, but may also vary within a

couple over time. Couples may wish to change their definition of non-monogamy (for example,

moving from a swinging relationship to one that includes ongoing emotional relationships

outside of the couple) or may decide to return to monogamy, either temporarily or permanently

(Taormino, 2008). If the changes cause distress in one or both partners, they may find it helpful

to return to couple therapy to address this distress.


Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

Conclusion

Despite popular writing for couples who want to engage in consensual non-monogamy, there is a

dearth of literature for clinicians within the field of couple and family therapy. The extant

professional literature is limited by a tendency to focus on forms of non-monogamy that assume

a primary dyadic couple and issues relevant to specific populations (such as gay men, and

bisexuals) rather than on guidelines for therapists. Therapists who work with couples who want

to explore the possibility of non-monogamy must have sound clinical skills and be

knowledgeable of the particular communities their clients belong to. Therapists must then

become knowledgeable about non-monogamy and aware of their own beliefs about non-

monogamous relationships and the ways in which these beliefs may impact their work. By

combining clinical skills, knowledge of non-monogamy, and awareness of their own beliefs,

therapists can discover the meaning for the couple of opening the relationship and assist the

couple in the decision-making process.

This article presents a set of guidelines for therapists to work with couples who wish to explore

the possibility of transitioning from a monogamous relationship to a non-monogamous one.

19
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

There are some limitations to the proposed approach. The guidelines represent one individual’s

opinion, informed by clinical experience and the limited research, and have not been tested.

More research is needed on effective therapeutic guidelines for couples who want to become

non-monogamous.
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

20
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

References

Addison, S.M., & Coolhart, D. (2015). Expanding the therapy paradigm with queer couples: A

relational intersectional lens. Family Process, 54, 435-453. doi: 10.1111/famp.12171.

Barker, M., & Langdridge, D. (2010). Whatever happened to non-monogamies? Critical

reflections on recent research and theory. Sexualities, 13, 748-772. doi:

10.1177/1363460710384645.
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

Bettinger, M. (2005). A family systems approach to working with sexually open gay male

couples. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 4(2/3), 149-160. doi:

10.1300/J398v04n0213.

Benson, P.J. (2008). The polyamory handbook. Bloomington, IN: AuthorHouse.

Berry, M.D., & Barker, M. (2014). Extraordinary interventions for extraordinary clients:

Existential sex therapy and open non-monogamy. Sexual & Relationship Therapy, 29, 21-

30. doi: 10.1080/14681994.2013.866642.

Bow, A.J. (2005). Face it head on: Helping Couples move through the painful and pernicious

effects of infidelity. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 4(2/3), 91-102. doi:

10.1300/J398v04n0209.

Brandon, M. (2011). The challenge of monogamy: Bringing it out of the closet and into the

treatment room. Sexual & Relationship Therapy, 26, 271-277. doi:

10.1080/14681994.2011.574114.

21
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

Conley, T.D., Moors, A.C., Matsick, J.L., & Ziegler, A. (2013). The fewer the merrier?:

Assessing stigma surrounding consensually non-monogamous romantic relationships.

Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy, 13, 1-30. doi: 10.1111/j.1530-

2415.2012.01286.x.

Conley, T.D., Ziegler, A., Moors, A.C., Matsick, J.L., & Valentine, B. (2013). A critical

examination of popular assumptions about the benefits and outcomes of monogamous


Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

relationships. Personality & Social Psychology Review, 17, 124-141. doi:

10.1177/1088868312467087.

Easton, D. (2012). Making friends with jealousy. In M. Barker & D. Langdridge (Eds.),

Understanding Non-monogamies (201-206). New York, NY: Routledge.

Easton, D., & Hardy, J.W. (2009). The Ethical Slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open

relationships & other adventures (2nd ed.). Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts.

Finn, M.D., Tunariu, A.D., & Lee, K.C. (2012). A critical analysis of affirmative therapeutic

enagements with consensual non-monogamy. Sexual & Relationship Therapy, 27, 205-

216. doi: 10.1080/14681994.2012.702893.

Graham, N. (2014). Polyamory: A call for increased mental health professional awareness.

Archives of Sexual Behavior, 43, 1031-1034. doi: 10.1007/s10508-014-0321-3.

Jenks, R. (1998). Swinging: A review of the literature. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 27, 507-521.

Johnson, S.M. (2005). Broken Bonds: An Emotionally Focused Approach to Infidelity. Journal

of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 4(2/3), 17-29. doi: 10.1300/J398v04n0203.

22
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

Keener, M.C. (2004). A Phenomenolgy of Polyamorous Persons. Unpublished manuscript.

Department of Educational Psychology, The University of Utah, Salt Lake City.

Retrieved from http://user.xmission.com/~mkeener/thesis.pdf.

Labriola, K. (2010). Love in abundance: A counselor’s advice on open relationships. Eugene,

OR: Greenery Press.

LaScala, M.C. (2004). Extradyadic sex and gay male couples: Comparing monogamous and
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

nonmonogamous relationships. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary

Human Services, 85, 405-412.

LaScala, M.C. (2005). Monogamy of the heart: Extradyadic sex and gay male couples. Journal

of Gay & Lesbian Social Services, 17(3), 1-24. doi: 10.1300/J041v17n03_01.

Matik, W.O. (2002). Redefining our relationships: Guidelines for responsible open

relationships. Oakland, CA: Defiant Times Press.

McCoy, M.A., Stinson, M.A., Ross, D.B., & Hjelmstad, L.R. (2015). Who’s in our clients’ bed?

A case illustration of sex therapy with a polyamorous couple. Journal of Sex & Marital

Therapy, 41, 134-144. doi: 10.1080/0092623X.2013.864366.

McDonald, D. (2012). Swinging: Pushing the boundaries of monogamy? In M. Barker & D.

Langdridge (Eds.), Understanding Non-monogamies (70-81). New York, NY: Routledge.

McLean, K. (2004). Negotiating (non) monogamy: Bisexuality and intimate relationships.

Journal of Bisexuality, 4(1/2), 83-97.

23
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

Mint, P. (2012). The power mechanisms of jealousy. In M. Barker & D. Langdridge (Eds.),

Understanding Non-monogamies (201-206). New York, NY: Routledge.

Mitchell, M.E., Bartholomew, K., & Cobb, R.J. (2014). Need fulfillment in polyamorous

relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 51, 329-339. doi:

10.1080/00224499.2012.742998.

Pawlicki, P., & Larson, P. (2011). The dynamics and conceptualizations of non-exclusive
Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

relationships in gay male couples. Sexual & Relationship Therapy, 26, 48-60. doi:

10.1080/14681994.2010.516247.

Rubin, R.H. (2001). Alternative lifestyles revisited, or whatever happened to swingers, group

marriages, and communes? Journal of Family Issues, 22, 711-726.

Shernoff, M. (2006). Negotiated nonmonogamy and male couples. Family Process, 45, 407-418.

doi: 10.1111/j.1545-5300.2006.00179.x.

Taormino, T. (2008). Opening up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships. San

Francisco, CA: Cleis Press.

Wagner, G.J., Remien, R.H., & Dieguez, A.C. (2000). Prevalence of extradyadic sex in male

couples of mixed HIV status and its relationship to psychological distress and

relationship quality. Journal of Homosexuality, 39(2), 31-46.

Weitzman, G.D., Davidson, J., & Phillips, R.A. (2009). What psychology professionals should

know about polyamory. Retrieved from

https://ncsfreedom.org/images/stories/pdfs/KAP/2010_poly_web.pdf.

24
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

Weitzman, G. (2006). Therapy with clients who are bisexual and polyamorous. Journal of

Bisexuality, 6(1/2), 137-164.

White, V. (2004). A humanist looks at polyamory. The Humanist, 64(6), 17-20.


Downloaded by [George Washington University] at 13:09 05 April 2016

25
ACCEPTED MANUSCRIPT

You might also like