Bairstow 2016
Bairstow 2016
Adrienne Bairstow
To cite this article: Adrienne Bairstow (2016): Couples Exploring Non-Monogamy: Guidelines
for Therapists, Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, DOI: 10.1080/0092623X.2016.1164782
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Adrienne Bairstow*
*
Corresponding Author E-mail: ambairstow@mail.widener.edu
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Abstract
A population that is potentially challenging for couple and family therapists to work with is that
of couples who want to explore non-monogamy. For many therapists, non-monogamy challenges
personal values and beliefs, and there is little in the literature to support therapists in achieving
cultural competency in this area. Based on a review of Western clinical literature over the past 20
years, and on the author’s clinical experience, the author provides therapists with guidelines to
use with couples who want to explore the possibility of becoming non-monogamous. The
guidelines include: 1) Educate oneself about non-monogamy, 2) Identify one’s own values and
aware that partners may have varying concerns about non-monogamy, 5) Address infidelity if
present, 6) Avoid assumptions about the ways non-monogamy will impact the relationship; and
Keywords
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The field of couple and family therapy has expanded in recent years to include broader
definitions of coupledom with the inclusion of lesbian and gay relationships (Addison &
Coolhart, 2015). Despite a broader definition of what constitutes a relationship, the literature
guides for couples and singles interested in consensual non-monogamy (e.g. Benson, 2008;
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Easton & Hardy, 2009; Matik, 2002; Taormino, 2008); however, in a review of the academic
literature in the past 20 years, there is little aimed at therapists regarding ways to successfully
work with couples who want to explore the possibility of becoming consensually non-
monogamous. Attitudes toward monogamy and non-monogamy vary across cultures and time
periods. This paper is situated in a contemporary, North American context and refers to literature
from Western societies. In this article, “monogamy” refers to one sexual/romantic partner at a
relationship, and non-monogamy refers to various forms of relationships in which both partners
Barker and Langdridge (2010) note that much of the current academic writing on non-
monogamy focuses either on celebrating the opportunities or on criticizing the impacts of these
relationship styles. Other work focuses on non-monogamy within specific communities, such as
gay men (e.g. Bettinger, 2005; Pawlicki & Larson, 2011; Shernoff, 2006), bisexual men and
women (e.g. McLean, 2011; Weitzman, 2006), and those who are HIV positive (Wagner,
Remien, & Dieguez, 2000). There is little in the literature which provides a specific set of
guidelines for therapists on how to conduct therapy with non-monogamous clients as a whole
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(although Berry & Barker, 2014, and Weitzman, 2006 are exceptions) and less still that provides
direction to therapists working with clients who wish to transition from a monogamous
This article is intended for therapists with little experience working with non-
monogamous clients, whether they are beginner or seasoned therapists. It provides a set of
guidelines for working with couples who wish to explore the possibility of opening their
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6. Avoid assumptions about the ways non-monogamy will impact the relationship;
and
The guidelines provided here are relevant regardless of the particular communities the
clients identify with in terms of sexual orientation, culture, spirituality, etc. Therapists should
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seek out additional information for the specific communities to which their clients belong, in
Many therapists lack training related to working with non-monogamous clients and few
graduate level clinical training programs include the topic (Weitzman, Davidson, & Phillips,
2009; Rubin, 2001). Non-monogamy writers recognize that therapists may be a helpful resource
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to individuals and couples engaging in non-monogamy (Graham, 2014; Labriola, 2010) and
while resources on the topic are starting to accumulate, therapists will likely need to look beyond
traditional sources in order to educate themselves. Therapists may consult books, workshops, and
online communities directed at non-monogamous couples in order to gain familiarity with the
topic.
Therapists should familiarize themselves with some basic terms before working with
couples who wish to explore the possibility of opening their relationship. Non-monogamy may
take many different forms and there can be some variation in the ways the different forms of
non-monogamy are defined. Therapists can start with a basic understanding of the terms while at
the same time acknowledging that such terms may be used differently by each person.
Some forms of non-monogamy are centered around a primary couple that has additional
sexual and/or romantic relationships outside of the partnership while still keeping the couple as
the central relationship unit. “Partnered non-monogamy” has been defined as a relationship
between a committed couple that allows for sexual relationships outside of the couple; these
extradyadic relationships are generally considered to be casual and commitment free (Taormino,
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2008). Similarly, “swinging” generally refers to a couple that engages in recreational sex outside
of the dyadic couple, while remaining emotionally monogamous. Swinging couples often engage
in sexual activity with other couples, often at events arranged for this purpose (Jenks, 1998).
Swinging has been described as a method of teasing and arousing one’s primary partner, who
may get aroused at their partner’s sexual involvement with another person. Couples arrive at
events together and leave together, presenting themselves as a couple around which other sexual
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refer to relationships with multiple partners that include emotional involvement. Polyamorous
relationships have been conceptualized as relationships that include the possibility of loving
more than one person at a time with the knowledge of all parties and without engaging in
betrayal or deception (White, 2004). Those who engage in polyamory may still be members of a
central dyad (a primary relationship) with other partners as secondary. Other polyamorous
couples choose not to see a hierarchy between partners. The term polyfidelity is commonly used
Weitzman (2006) notes that the mental health field has a history of pathologizing non-
monogamy, and even when therapists are open-minded about non-monogamy, clients often end
up educating therapists about relevant issues. Therapist self-education prior to working with non-
monogamous clients can avoid wasting the client’s time on basic information (McCoy, Stinson,
Ross, & Hjelmstad, 2015). By educating themselves about the issues relevant to non-monogamy,
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therapists demonstrate openness and respect. Therapists can become more knowledgeable about
the relevant issues by reading popular press books for non-monogamous couples, such as
“Opening Up” (Taormino, 2008) and “Love in Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice on Open
In order to effectively work with couples who wish to discuss the possibility of opening their
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relationships, therapists must identify their own beliefs about non-monogamy. Within North
America, monogamy is viewed as normative despite the fact that across history and cultures non-
monogamy has been the more pervasive relationship structure (Conley, Ziegler, Moors, Matsick,
& Valentine, 2013). Therapists may also be shaped by this mononormative context. Conley and
colleagues conducted a series of four studies utilizing both quantitative and qualitative
techniques with college and community samples, aimed at determining attitudes towards non-
monogamy and monogamy. Overall, the studies demonstrated pervasive negative bias toward
non-monogamy and positive bias toward monogamy, termed a “halo effect” by the authors
(Conley, Moors, Matsick, & Ziegler, 2013). In one of the studies, more than 1000 participants
were asked to rate relationship scenarios on whether or not they possessed certain benefits (such
bias towards non-monogamous relationships and the individuals who engage in these
relationships (Conley, Moors, Matsick, & Ziegler, 2013). Conversely, summarizing the results of
the four studies, monogamy was perceived to confer numerous benefits including protection
against sexually transmitted infections (STIs), more frequent and better quality sex, less jealousy,
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and increased trust and relationship satisfaction (Conley, Ziegler, Moors, Matsick, & Valentine,
2013). Therapists may also ascribe to these beliefs, thereby impacting their work with couples
exploring non-monogamy.
Much of the existing research on non-monogamy within the field of couple and family
therapy is focused on infidelity and affairs, and therapists likely have first-hand experience
seeing the devastation that can be caused by this type of exception to monogamy. Having seen
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norm of monogamy, therapists will likely have some biases about open relationships that they
bring into the their work (Brandon, 2011). Therapists may start by reflecting on what they have
seen and heard about monogamy and non-monogamy, identifying their own ideas about what
constitutes a healthy relationship, and examining factors which have shaped these beliefs. To
reflect on their values, therapists may ask themselves a series of questions on the topic. For
example, where do my values and opinions on monogamy come from? What feelings come up
when I think about people who have different values? What positive and negative examples of
monogamy and non-monogamy have I seen? What judgments do I make about people who
engage in non-monogamy? How might my attitudes impact my work with couples who want to
explore opening their relationship? The goal here is not to eliminate personal values, but to
become aware of them and the ways therapist values may show up in the therapy room.
Awareness of one’s own values is not sufficient to ensure that these values do not encroach on a
therapist’s work with clients. As with other instances of countertransference, therapists may find
it helpful to process their reactions in supervision, with their own therapist, or in self-reflection
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exercises. Journal writing about values and beliefs related to monogamy and non-monogamy
may be helpful in this regard (Berry & Barker, 2014). In some cases, these reflective exercises
may illustrate that the therapist’s beliefs will not allow working with non-monogamous clients
without the work being impacted by their own values. In such cases the therapist should refer
Finn, Tunariu and Lee (2012) observed that the body of literature on consensual non-
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format that reinforces traditional notions of monogamy by placing the couple unit as the
standard. The authors note that, even among therapists who proclaim themselves to be supportive
means of supporting the dyadic couple rather than as a construct on its own, outside of its
relation to a couple. This bias toward non-monogamy organized around a primary relationship
may be harmful when working with couples who wish to engage in forms of non-monogamy
may present for therapy with increased needs for acceptance and normalization. This may also be
true for monogamous couples that wish to explore the possibility of opening their relationship. In
a society that views monogamy as the norm, couples who wish to become non-monogamous
may be fearful of encountering prejudice, or of having their desire for non-monogamy viewed as
a symptom of problems within the relationship. Therapists that are educated about non-
monogamy and have explored their own values on the subject are therefore in a unique position
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to work with clients, and normalize their desire to explore non-monogamy. At the same time,
therapists have a responsibility to help explore the possible impact of deciding to open the
relationship, rather than merely supporting this possibility without question. Demonstrating
knowledge of and comfort with non-monogamy helps to create a strong therapeutic alliance that
allows the therapist to gently challenge clients if it appears that they may not have examined the
In addition to familiarizing oneself with the topic of non-monogamy and common usage of
relevant terms, therapists must also be prepared to learn from their clients and adjust their
understanding of what is meant by these terms for each client with whom they work. The
definition of non-monogamy changes from couple to couple, and can even change within a
couple over time (McLean, 2004). Even after they have gained experience with non-
monogamous clients, therapists will need to continue to approach each couple with curiosity and
a willingness to understand each client’s individual perspective. Therapists can explore both
partners’ understanding of non-monogamy and the form to which he or she is most drawn. This
process should make explicit any differences in expectations between the clients, and reveal
areas for further discussion within the therapeutic process. For example, if there are differences
in expectation about the desired level of emotional engagement for extra-dyadic relationships,
one partner may feel betrayed. The therapist can assist the couple in processing these feelings.
Therapeutic work must take into account the individual experience of the clients. Berry
and Barker (2014) suggest the use of existential therapy, with its emphasis on exploring
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meaning, with non-monogamous clients; the client and therapist engage in exploration of the
client’s lived experience and sexual choices. Therapists are encouraged to set aside preconceived
beliefs and personal values (a process known as bracketing) and then contextualize the client’s
experience within the client’s broader life and as shaped by external frameworks (known as
horizontalizing).
Whether one identifies as an existential therapist or not, this practice of seeing the client’s
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experience with non-monogamy as both individual and unique, and situated within a broader
context of the clients’ lives and society as a whole, ensures that therapy will be tailored to each
couple on a case-by-case basis. In working with couples who are looking to become non-
monogamous, this process can help each partner have a greater understanding of the meaning of
The use of terminology must take into account each client’s own definitions. For example,
Shernoff (2006) notes that the term fidelity can have multiple meanings. Heterosexual
monogamous couples often use the term as a synonym for monogamy, as do gay male couples
that have an explicit agreement to be sexually exclusive. Among couples who have agreed to be
non-monogamous, fidelity may refer to the emotional primacy of the dyadic relationship and to
acting within the rules the couple has created about extradyadic relationships. In such a situation,
infidelity could refer to extradyadic involvements that include an emotional connection that is
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It is rare for both partners to be equally interested and ready to become non-monogamous.
Partners may have different concerns about the implications of non-monogamy. For example,
one may be worried about jealousy, while the other may be worried about the perception of
family and friends. One way of addressing the concerns of each partner is to explore the meaning
each person makes of concepts such as love, relationships, intimacy, sex, and non-monogamy.
Existential therapists will be familiar with the process of exploring a client’s subjective
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experience to reveal the client’s own meaning in the context of their life and social world (Berry
& Barker, 2014). Therapists who do not identify as existentialist in orientation will also be
familiar with the process of helping clients explore the meaning they make of certain events and
concepts, how they developed this understanding, and the purpose it serves in their life. For
example, cognitive behavior therapists may challenge distorted thoughts one partner might have
about the other’s interest in non-monogamy, such as the thought that it means the partner does
In addition to the possibility of the partners having different concerns, the broader context of the
relationship must be considered. How does the couple deal with conflict? How do differences of
opinion get resolved? Who decides when the couple has sex? What happens when one partner
wants to have sex and the other does not? Does each partner feel secure enough in the
relationship to discuss challenging topics? If one partner is reluctant to open the relationship,
issues of power will be a necessary component of the therapy. Therapists can begin to help
couples explore issues of power within the relationship in general and in the sexual realm
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Weitzman (2006), in speaking of polyamory, notes that the process of coming out to
oneself as non-monogamous can bring with it feelings of excitement about this newly recognized
aspect of one’s identity. At the same time, there may be feelings of fear or hurt that the
relationship they entered may be changing. Therapists will need to acknowledge and validate
both positive and negative feelings in each partner, and assist partners in bridging the gaps
As with other sexual concerns in therapy, there can be a tendency for clients considering non-
monogamy to focus exclusively on the sexual aspect of the relationship. Therapists must
contextualize the sexual component within the relationship as a whole, and help the couple to
explore the impact non-monogamy may have on the rest of the relationship. Topics to explore
include finances, time management, and childcare, as well as sexual concerns such as condom
At times, therapy is initiated after one partner’s non-consensual sexual involvement outside of
the couple in what had previously been a monogamous couple. Prior to discussing the possibility
of opening the relationship, and the boundaries or guidelines the couple might like to have for
Infidelity has been viewed as a threat to the attachment security between the couple that results
in heightened insecurity and attachment needs in the partner of the unfaithful spouse; needs that
must be addressed if the relationship is to continue (Johnson, 2005). Fears of abandonment and
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feelings of hurt must be addressed before the couple can begin to explore the possibility of
The effects of infidelity may last for some time. Even after the couple has worked
through the pain of infidelity, they may experience triggers that re-ignite hurt feelings when they
encounter something that reminds them of the betrayal, and the unfaithful partner must be
prepared to express reassurance and contrition when this occurs (Bow, 2005). Couples who
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choose to become non-monogamous after an experience of infidelity should anticipate that, even
if they have worked to resolve the affair, triggers may occur in the future. Therapists can validate
client feelings as they discuss possible triggers and strategies for coping with these situations
of agreed upon rules for extradyadic relationships. For couples that have experienced infidelity
prior to becoming monogamous, this may resurface old feelings of betrayal. In couples without
previous infidelity, the breaking of rules for non-monogamy may be experienced in much the
same way as infidelity within a monogamous couple (Shernoff, 2006). Such an experience may
The impact of infidelity within the partnership, whether referring to extradyadic relationships in
a couple that had previously assumed they were monogamous, or referring to breaking the
agreed upon rules for non-monogamy, may include fears about contracting HIV or other STIs.
These fears should be addressed within the couple therapy, as well as the feelings of betrayal that
may be compounded by health risks related to infidelity. Placing undue focus on these fears may
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be used as a way of avoiding the feelings of hurt and distrust arising from the betrayal (Shernoff,
2006). Therapists should be aware of this possibility and use their clinical skills to move beyond
the fears about health to address the other issues surrounding the infidelity should they arise.
Therapists may worry about the impact of extradyadic relationships on the couple, given that
monogamy is the predominant cultural norm and impacts the values of a therapist. Experience in
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working with clients suffering the effects of infidelity may also predispose therapists to look for
may not have a negative impact on the relationship. Couples with negotiated non-monogamy,
where both partners are aware and have chosen to be non-monogamous, have been found to have
lower levels of psychological distress than couples that have not negotiated non-monogamy but
have engaged in extradyadic sexual activity in secret (LaScala, 2004; Wagner, Remien, &
Dieguez, 2000). Gay male non-monogamous couples have no significant difference in the quality
Non-monogamy may have a positive impact on the relationship. Extradyadic sexual or romantic
relationships may bring new dimensions to the couple’s relationship with each other (White,
polyamory including the ability to have diverse relationships that meet differing needs, an
expanded support network, the experience of shared love, and compersion (a term that refers to
taking joy in one’s partner’s pleasure from other relationships, often called the opposite of
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jealousy) (Keener, 2004). Other benefits include the opportunity to have relationships with
multiple genders, to speak openly about attractions outside of the dyadic relationship, and the
opportunity to express different parts of oneself with different partners (Weitzman, 2006).
Non-monogamy allows for an individual’s relational needs to be met by multiple partners, rather
than relying on one partner to meet all needs. For couples in which one or both partners are
bisexual, non-monogamy offers the opportunity to have relationships with multiple genders.
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However, there is also the possibility for the couple to engage in gender monogamy, whereby
extradyadic relationships are not with the gender of that of the dyadic partner (Weitzman, 2006).
For example, in a heterosexual relationship, it may be agreed upon that the woman may have
In a study of polyamorous individuals, Mitchell, Bartholomew and Cobb (2014) found that need
fulfillment within both the primary and secondary relationship was consistently high with both
partners. The researchers also found that it is unlikely that need fulfillment with one partner has a
meaningful effect on the level of satisfaction the person experiences with the other partner. The
results suggest that the relationships of polyamorous partners tend to function independently of
each other; the fact of having multiple partnerships does not in and of itself have a strong impact
Non-monogamy can also have a negative impact on the couple. Challenges include
jealousy, time management concerns, and difficulties with trust (Keener, 2004). While it is not
possible to fully anticipate all scenarios that may occur upon opening a relationship, therapists
can help the couple discuss areas for concern that may occur in the future. Therapists should not
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simply accept the client’s desire to open the relationship without exploring the possible
consequences, a danger for some therapists who wish to demonstrate their openness to non-
monogamy. Part of the therapist’s role is to assist clients in examining the potential
consequences of their actions, so that the couple may determine whether or not they are willing
to accept the risks of opening the relationship. This may be especially relevant in couples in
which one partner has more concerns than the other. Therapists can facilitate conversations in
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which both partners discuss their concerns, and validate each partner’s experience.
Gay and lesbian couples that become non-monogamous face the additional challenge of
going against not only heteronormative standards, but also monogamous standards. Bisexual
couples in open relationships face stigma on two counts: 1) by refusing to conform to the
dichotomies of gay or straight, and 2) for acting against the value of monogamy that is
entrenched in our society (McLean, 2011). Therapists can acknowledge these challenges and
prepared to continue to work with the couple for a period of time after they have done so, if
needed. There are many decisions for a couple to make when negotiating the parameters of a
non-monogamous relationship, and new situations will continually arise throughout the
relationship. It is impossible to foresee all potential situations or anticipate how each partner will
feel after the relationship is actually opened. Once put into practice, one or both partners may
realize that certain agreements do not work as well as expected. Through the course of therapy,
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the couple may have developed the communication skills and security necessary to address these
re-negotiations on their own. As with the termination of any couple therapy, the therapist should
assure the couple that they are welcome to return in the future if needed. The therapist may also
discuss with the couple what signs to look for that may indicate a return to therapy, whether
One such situation that may indicate a return to therapy includes the phenomenon of new
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relationship energy (NRE). NRE refers to the excitement that occurs when involved in a new
relationship (Keener, 2004). NRE can result in focusing extra energy on the new relationship to
the exclusion of others. Therapists can help couples process feelings of hurt and jealousy that
may arise, a situation that may occur at the start of a new relationship even with couples who
Within non-monogamy, jealousy is seen as a problem not only for the person experiencing the
feeling, but also for the partner and for the relationship as a whole (Mint, 2012). Therapists can
facilitate conversations about jealousy, assisting the hurt partner in conveying their feelings in a
soft manner and the other partner in providing needed reassurance. While the therapist can help
the partner of the jealous party give reassurance, they can also assist the jealous individual in
identifying and coping with their own feelings rather than putting blame onto their partner (i.e.
their partner does not “make” them feel jealous) (Easton, 2012). Therapists can facilitate client
exploration of the roots of jealous feelings, such as feeling taken for granted, low self-esteem,
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The forms of non-monogamy vary not only from couple to couple, but may also vary within a
couple over time. Couples may wish to change their definition of non-monogamy (for example,
moving from a swinging relationship to one that includes ongoing emotional relationships
outside of the couple) or may decide to return to monogamy, either temporarily or permanently
(Taormino, 2008). If the changes cause distress in one or both partners, they may find it helpful
Conclusion
Despite popular writing for couples who want to engage in consensual non-monogamy, there is a
dearth of literature for clinicians within the field of couple and family therapy. The extant
a primary dyadic couple and issues relevant to specific populations (such as gay men, and
bisexuals) rather than on guidelines for therapists. Therapists who work with couples who want
to explore the possibility of non-monogamy must have sound clinical skills and be
knowledgeable of the particular communities their clients belong to. Therapists must then
become knowledgeable about non-monogamy and aware of their own beliefs about non-
monogamous relationships and the ways in which these beliefs may impact their work. By
combining clinical skills, knowledge of non-monogamy, and awareness of their own beliefs,
therapists can discover the meaning for the couple of opening the relationship and assist the
This article presents a set of guidelines for therapists to work with couples who wish to explore
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There are some limitations to the proposed approach. The guidelines represent one individual’s
opinion, informed by clinical experience and the limited research, and have not been tested.
More research is needed on effective therapeutic guidelines for couples who want to become
non-monogamous.
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