Empathy Misses

Based on the research of Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown

Discharging Discomfort With Blame others, and it causes discomfort or conflict. When
The 8 emotions, behaviors, and empathic this person observes this or hears your story of what
Because shame is visceral and contagious, we can
miscues that get in the way of connection. happened, they respond with “I can’t believe you said
feel it for other people. This person immediately
that to your boss!” or “I can’t believe you went there!”
needs to discharge the discomfort and vulnerability
or “You can’t talk about that stuff with people” versus
of the situation by blaming and scolding. They may
an empathic response of “That must have been hard—
blame/scold you: “What were you thinking?” Or they
you were really brave” or “It’s hard to stand up for
may look for someone else to take the fall: “Who was
Sympathy Versus Empathy what you believe in—thank you.”
that guy? We’ll kick his butt.” Caution: Parents can fall
The person who responds with sympathy (“I feel so easily into this when a child shares a shaming story
sorry for you”) rather than empathy (“I get it, I feel with them. “How did you let this happen?” Advice Giving/ Problem Solving
with you, and I’ve been there”). The subtext of this re-
Sometimes when we see pain our first instinct is to fix
sponse is distance: These things don’t happen to me
Minimize/Avoid it. This is especially true for those of us whom people
or people like me. If you want to see a shame cyclone
seek out to help with problem-solving. In these in-
turn deadly, throw one of these at it: “Oh, you poor We minimize and avoid when we want hard feelings to
stances, rather than listen and be with people in their
thing” or “Bless your heart.” go away. Out of their own discomfort, this person re-
emotion, we start fixing.
fuses to acknowledge that you’re in pain and/or that
you’re hurting: “You’re exaggerating. It wasn’t that bad.
Judgment
You rock. You’re perfect. Everyone loves you.”
The person who hears the story and actually feels
shame for you. The friend gasps and confirms how
Comparing/ Competing
horrified you should be. Then there is an awkward
silence. Then you have to make this person feel better This person confuses connecting with you over
by convincing them that you’re not a terrible person. shared experiences with the opportunity to one-up
you. “That’s nothing. Listen to what happened to me
one time!”
Disappointment
The person who needs you to be the pillar of wor-
Speaking Truth to Power
thiness and authenticity. This person can’t help you
because they are too disappointed in your imperfec- You hold someone accountable for language, com-
tions. You’ve let this person down. ments, or behavior that marginalizes or dehumanizes

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