Leadership & Management

UNIT-14 Managing Conflict

Learning Outcomes
By the end of this unit the learner will be able to:

 Recognize how our own attitudes and actions impact others.

 Find new and effective techniques for dealing with difficult people.
 Learn some techniques for managing and dealing with anger.
 Develop coping strategies for dealing with difficult people and difficult situations.

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Unit 14
Managing Conflict
What is Conflict?
Conflict is a very normal part of healthy relationships. It’s not possible for everyone to agree about
everything all the time, and to do so can squash creativity and innovation. What is important, then, is to
learn how to manage disagreements so that they do not harm relationships. By learning skills to manage
conflict, you can approach disagreements with confidence that keeps your personal and professional
relationships strong.

Another way to look at dealing with difficult people is to realize that we need to have conversations
about accountability. If you consider that holding people accountable (i.e., they are taking responsibility
for their actions and results) is a part of your role as a supervisor or at home as a spouse or parent, then
these conversations are a part of life. Holding people accountable may or may not become a
confrontation, but it is necessary nonetheless. If we avoid these sometimes difficult conversations
because we do not like them, consider for a moment whether or not you are valuing that person as a
contributor at work or home. If you value them, you are more likely to have these conversations because
of your respect for the other individual. We also have to have these conversations with people we do not
like for the same reasons.

When you are dealing with difficult people whom you also do not like (we all have people who can rub us
the wrong way!), we have an important tip for you before you enter that important conversation. Find
something that you like about that person, and you will be able to frame the conversation positively. It
doesn’t matter what the positive attribute is: they offer good insight in meetings, they are always on
time, they meet deadlines, they bring great lunches… just find SOMETHING that you can connect to
positively. We guarantee that your conversation will be less likely to get off track and become difficult.

Do We Have To Fight?

People want to be understood and supported. Some of them also want to be nurtured as they progress
through life and along their career path. Conflict arises from the differences between people; it flares up
when people disagree over something related to their values, motivation, and perception of things or
their ideas. From the outside, these differences can look insignificant, but from the inside (or the
perspective of the people involved in the conflict) the issues that are at the core of the problem can
trigger strong emotions and are very significant.

If you consider the conflicting need for safety versus the desire to challenge and take risks (a frequent
conflict between young children and their parents), the conflict becomes readily apparent. The child
wants to explore and so the need to move as quickly as possible on stairs becomes their focus. The
parent is responsible for the child’s safety, so they limit the child’s access to the staircase. This limited
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access becomes the conflict, as the child wants to explore, and the parent wants to avoid bruises and
broken bones.

Whether at home or in the workplace, we have to consider that both parties’ needs play an important
role in the success of the relationship. Each side deserves respect and consideration. A lack of
understanding can contribute to arguments, low productivity, and continued disputes. This in turn can
lead to the total breakdown of important relationships.

When you acknowledge the legitimacy of conflict and are willing to examine issues in a cooperative
environment, you can open the door to creative problem solving, more cohesive teams, and improved
relationships. Developing a method to cope and work through conflict empowers people to take control
of the outcomes and to contribute strongly to effective teams.

What is A Conflict?

 A conflict is more than just a disagreement. A conflict comes with a threat, and whether the
threat is real or not, it must be dealt with in order for the threatened party to be able to move
beyond the situation.
 Conflicts become more serious when they are ignored. Since conflicts involve a perceived
threat to our own well-being, they stay with us and often become greater in magnitude until
we resolve them.
 Perception colors our reactions and triggers emotions. This makes it difficult for us to remain
objective, even when we look at the facts. Our perception is influenced by our life
experiences, values, and beliefs.
 Conflicts trigger our emotional hot buttons. We aren’t always at our best when working
through conflict because our emotions can interfere with our ability to remain objective and
manage things rationally. Learning how to manage conflict during emotionally stable periods
helps us to manage conflict more effectively.
 Conflict brings growth. Although we aren’t often able to acknowledge it in the heat of things,
when we resolve conflict in our relationships, we are also building trust. In relationships with
high levels of trust, we feel more secure, knowing that our relationship will survive, and
ultimately get even stronger.

How About Avoidance?

You may think that avoidance is a great way to handle conflict, and we would agree that it is one way to
deal with difficult situations. At the same time, consider what happens if you create a policy or
procedure at work that no one follows, and you don’t want to get into a conflict, so you avoid dealing
with it.

On the other hand, you may be in a situation where you feel threatened or somehow unsafe, or you
decide that the relationship is not one that you want to foster, and then walk away. You can reschedule
the conversation when everyone’s temper has been restored, or you can choose to get some help (e.g.,
through mediation, your manager, or an HR specialist) with the situation.
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Self-Assessment
This assessment will help you to determine your preferences for involvement in dealing with difficult
people, and taking on those challenging conversations. Answer each question with yes or no. Scoring
directions follow the assessment.

Questionnaire
Yes No

1. Instead of getting into an argument, I put off certain discussions.

2. When someone doesn’t deliver on a promise, I judge them more quickly than I
should.

3. Sometimes I bring up difficult subjects in a way that makes people defensive.

4. Let’s be honest: there are people I deal with who simply cannot be motivated.

5. When someone is struggling, I tend to offer advice, even though they may just want
to have someone listen to their ideas.

6. When discussing problems, I sometimes get sidetracked and miss the actual problem.

7. There are some people I simply cannot work with.

8. Sometimes it’s not them being difficult, it’s me.

9. I prefer to just jump in and have the conversation, rather than spending a lot of time
planning for it.

10. I know that I have to have these conversations, but I do not have to like them.

Scoring

Add up the number of times you answered “yes.” Write that number here: .

Now, have a look at the explanations below.

 7-10: This course is perfect for you. Don’t let your attention wander!
 4-6: You’re in the right place for help, and you’re going to learn some things.
 1-3: You’re managing well and likely successful in dealing with difficult people.
 0: You ought to be teaching this course! Hopefully you’ll find a few helpful gems to enrich
your relationship building.

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Benefits of Confrontation
To Talk or Not to Talk

In deciding whether you want to proceed with a difficult conversation, there are some things to consider.
If this relationship is important to you, then it makes sense that the conversation takes place. But not
every conversation is necessary. Is it worth tracking someone down and having a confrontation when
they cut you off in traffic? The person who interrupts you in a meeting but has never done so before, and
probably never would again?

Determining Your Involvement

In order to decide whether you need to deal with a difficult person or not, ask yourself the following
questions:
 Is this person important to me?
 Is this relationship important to me?
 Has this happened before?
 Does this bother me or other people?
 Can I invest my time?

If you answer “no” to any of the five questions, we recommend that you remove yourself from the
situation, either temporarily or permanently.

Reciprocal Relationships

Interpersonal relationships have a reciprocal nature. When we invite colleagues to meetings or

remember their birthdays, they tend to do the same for us. When we invite a colleague to a function,
they tend to invite us in return.

The way that our relationships unfold reflects this reciprocal nature. If we engage in small talk, others do
the same. If we are not fond of small talk and do not enter into it willingly, people will stop trying to
engage us that way.

Considering this same principle, if we continually try to engage people in negative ways, we can predict
the results. Think of yourself in terms of some of your work relationships. Do people come to you on
their own? Do you make them feel welcome to speak with you?

For this course, we would like you to think of a scenario where you have encountered conflict with a
difficult person. It can even be imaginary, as long as it is something you may encounter.

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Preventing Problems
The Importance of Empathy

We can do a lot to keep problems from happening in the first place. If you develop your empathizing
skills, you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes even though you do not have to agree with them.
If you are practicing being empathetic (and we recommend that you do) you should avoid phrases like, “I
agree” or, “Yes, that’s true.” Don’t reinforce a concern, either. You can simply express your empathy by
rephrasing the key topic of the person’s statement.

Some phrases you might use include:

 "I hear…”
 "I understand…"
 "I think you're saying…"

The concept of rephrasing before answering gives you:

 A chance to empathize with the concerns
 An opportunity to show the person that you understand the concern
 A moment to think of an appropriate response

It’s also important to check to be sure the individual is satisfied with your level of understanding or your
explanation. Your ability to empathize will play an important role in your overall communication skills
and your ability to foster a positive and productive environment.

Dangerous Misconceptions

Although we believe that we are being clear when we speak, we’re not always being as efficient as we
think. Here are some important misconceptions for you to keep in mind when you are having a
conversation:
 People always pay attention when you are speaking to them.
 When people say they are paying attention, they really are.
 When someone says "I know", they really do.
 Saying something over and over will ensure that your listener understands.
 Saying something over and over, slowly or loudly, will be even more effective.

Getting Focused
Getting to the Heart of the Matter

Despite our best efforts and our good use of management techniques, our attempts can seem to be for
nothing. Behaviors we thought we had influenced positively (or corrected altogether) can regress.

For example, you might have spoken with an employee about some below-par behavior: perhaps they
are always late for work, despite the fact that they are supposed to be answering phones and greeting

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visitors promptly at 9:00 a.m. You’ve spoken with the employee, and although this will lead to improved
behavior for a few days, he always slips back to being late. You’ve asked your human resources
consultant to suspend the employee, and they have indicated that punishment is too harsh, despite your
record keeping that shows how often and how bad this behavior is.

You’ve been braver than plenty of workplace leaders because you have discussed the problem with the
employee and with HR. But somehow, the behavior continues, and you get a sense that you are not
doing enough.

What’s Missing?

You aren’t getting to the heart of the problem. It’s not enough to tell the individual that they are
breaking the rules, or that a colleague has to cover their tasks when they are late. If it were enough, the
behavior would stop.

Ask yourself what is really bothering you to get at what is really bothering them. Often the behavior
touches a nerve that is much more personal. For example, if I hired the receptionist because he was the
son of a friend, and I felt that he was taking advantage of my relationship with him and his parents by
not caring about the schedule, that’s at a much deeper level than just the rules that are being broken.

If the person is perpetually late because they do not set their alarm (and get up to it) because they really
do not care about their job, or they feel underutilized, or they are being bullied by a co-worker and
cannot drag themselves into the office, then we are getting at the root of the real problem.

If, as leaders, we are content to only deal with the surface issues, and we are afraid to dig and get at the
deeper issues, we will not create a better workplace. We simply scrape the moss off of the surface, only
to have it to grow back later.

The ability to peel an infraction back to its core takes patience and precision. Sometimes we don’t do this
because it can take time to uncover the real problem. We can often find ourselves in too much of a hurry
to do this properly. At other times, our emotions get involved and we make the decision that we really
don’t want to go there, because we’ll also have to deal with what is bothering us.

If you don’t stop to think about the big picture, you’ll end up either missing the problem, or going after
too many problems at once. To stop yourself from being over-involved, you must be able to state the
problem in a single sentence. If you make it longer, your conversation will lose focus as soon as it starts.

The Three F’s

To get to the heart of the problem, evaluate the 3 F’s: facts, frequency, and frustrated relationship.

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Facts

What are the facts of the issue? Create a list so that you do not get sidetracked while you plan your
conversation. Don’t drag in other stories or unrelated issues that have happened previously. If you are
talking to someone about tardiness, then stick to that and leave things like poor report writing,
gossiping, or not taking care of equipment out of the conversation.

Frequency

Make sure you have a very clear history of the frequency of the issue. In this case, how often is the
individual late? How late are they?

Describe the pattern like this: “This is the second time that I’ve called this to your attention. You agreed
it would not happen again. Now I am concerned that I cannot trust you to keep a promise.”

Revealing that you notice a pattern brings the history to the forefront. The history is important because
repeated frequency erodes your trust.

Frustrated Relationship

If your real concern is about the relationship, but you only focus on the pattern, then you are not likely
to get the change that you are aiming for. You have to discuss what is important to you in terms of the
relationship. Explain that when they repeatedly ignore your expectations to be on time, they aren’t just
demonstrating a lack of commitment to the job. They are eroding your trust in them, your trust in their
ability to do their job, and the possibility of being trusted with assignments in the future.

Comments like the following can be helpful:

 I feel like I cannot trust you to get the work done.
 I feel like I am constantly nagging you and I don’t like to do that.
 I feel like I can’t trust you to keep the commitments you make.

Managing Anger
Coping Strategies

Too many people are angry. Workplace violence is an extreme example, but there are examples
everywhere. Even without violence, every day we hear of managers and co-workers who are mad at
each other, their co-workers, their employees, their bosses, their customers, the company, and the
world itself. Anger interferes with teamwork and productivity. It also contributes to an environment that
is negative, hostile, and frightening.

Companies face legal pressures to prevent this type of environment. From employees’ points of view,
anger takes the fun out of work. Because anger is a natural emotion, it would be unrealistic to ask people

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not to feel it. Instead, the goal is to help (and sometimes, require) that people deal with their anger
appropriately.

Problems don’t come from anger. Problems come from the negative ways people express anger.
Dealing with Other People’s Anger

As you prepare for conversations, and if you find yourself in an angry encounter, use these tips to help
you.

 Use positive self talk.

 Check your body language.
 Acknowledge the other person’s feelings.
 Share your own feelings and fears (carefully, of course).
 Show that you are listening.
 Make a conciliatory gesture.
 Express your own needs and wants calmly and persistently (like a broken record).
 When trying to work with hostile colleagues, keep in mind that their self-esteem may be in
the dumps. Sincerely compliment them whenever possible. Avoid arguing with them, even
though that’s often what they want. Sometimes the challenge is preventing an exchange from
escalating into anger.

Guidelines for Assertive Anger

We know that you won’t have this list handy during an encounter, so we encourage you to read through
this information several times to lock it into your memory. Talk about the tips provided here to others,
modify them to work for you and to match your natural style of speaking with people, and speak with
your colleagues about them so that you can remember and apply them when needed.

Start Positively

 For example: “I want to let you know how I am feeling because I believe that it will clear the
air between us.”
 You could share an appreciation, but make sure it is sincere. “Over the past year, I have really
enjoyed working with you. However, I’ve noticed that lately…”
Be Direct
 Use the first person point of view and say, “I’m feeling irritated/annoyed/angry.”
 Don’t distance yourself from your feelings with impersonal, third-person statements and
generalizations such as, “When people…” or, “It can be annoying when...”
 Use “I” messages instead.

Specify the Degree of Anger

 This can vary from, “I’ve been getting slightly irritated,” to, “My fury is reaching the boiling
point.”

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 Giving this information often helps the other person listen more carefully.
 If you just say, “I am angry with you,” you may unnecessarily freeze the other person with
fright or prompt them into aggressive defensive behavior.

Don’t Accuse Others of Making You Angry

 Remember that your irritation might be my pleasure!

 No one has the power to make us feel anything. So instead of saying, “You make me feel
angry,” say, “I get angry when you…”

Share Your Feelings of Threat and Fear

 For example: “I’m frightened of saying this to you because you may think I am being very
petty or you may reject me/fire me/ hit me, but…”
 This will help you to feel more in control of your feelings and may get you some welcome and
helpful reassurance. (For example, they may respond with, “No, I promise that I will try and
listen to what you have to say without walking away or punishing you.”)

Acknowledge Your Responsibility

 Tell the other person what part you see yourself playing in the situation.
 Examples:
o “I appreciate that I should have said something earlier.”
o “I am the kind of person who has very high standards.”
o “I may be overreacting because I am managing a lot of deadlines right now.”
Avoid Self-Put Downs or Invitations to Criticism or Retaliatory Anger

 Don’t say things like:

o “I know that I’m a bit of a nag…”
o “I’m over-sensitive.”
o “I’m too soft.”
o “You’ll probably scream at me/want to kill me when I tell you…”
 You could be putting unhelpful and inflammatory ideas into otherwise quite amenable heads!

Self-Protective Techniques to Block Criticism

Criticism is one of the chief weapons of an angry person. Often it is used indiscriminately and is well off
target. However, you can learn to cope with this behavior. In order to protect yourself, stop the flow,
and keep criticism from escalating, use these techniques.
 The broken record: You keep repeating more or less the same statement over and over again,
in a calm, controlled voice.
 Fogging: Agree that there may be some truth in what the person is saying.
 Negative assertion: Simply, calmly agree with your critic using a serious, matter of fact tone
of voice, without adding any put downs or unnecessary justifications.

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Dealing with Problems

Dealing with Problems

Sometimes we are so busy with other things that we don’t see (or don’t want to see) a problem that is
growing. When it explodes, it can catch us broadside. Has that ever happened to you? What do you do?

Causes of Difficult Behavior

There are no simple answers about the causes of difficult behavior, because we human beings can be
very complicated. We do know that some causes include fear (of failure, humiliation, losing power,
and/or rejection) and poor self-esteem. If you add people who are working with drug or addiction issues,
illness (theirs or someone else’s), as well as some people having limited coping skills, we start to get a
good idea of what can provoke difficult behavior. Sometimes, of course, you’ll run into a combination of
factors.

Conflict Resolution Techniques

Conflict Resolution Model

The Three-Step Model

There are lots of models that can help us deal with difficult people and the conversations that come with
them. They range from about three to eight steps, and our in-house trainer has scrutinized the best of
them for you. We’ve found that you can be successful with any of the models provided that you apply all
of the steps consistently. Leaving out steps can cause the conversations or the action plan to go off track.

Step 1: •Decide if the issue is worth your time

•Clarify the problem
•Determine the facts, frequency, frustrated relationship
Research
•Host the difficult person in a conversation
Step 2: •Create a safe zone
•Describe the behavior gap
Presentation •Make it easy

Step 3: •Create agreement

•Create an action plan together
•Follow up
Take Action
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Step 1: Research

We have covered the elements for Step One in Session Five.

Step 2: Presentation

This is where you will invite your difficult person into a conversation. In doing so, it is important to create
a safe zone for the conversation to take place. A safe zone is a place where other people cannot
eavesdrop on your conversation. (Tip: Use a meeting room if you do not have an office.) It is also a zone
where you, as host, need to feel safe. If history says that this individual is unpredictable, you may want
to have an HR consultant or union representative present.

It is important that any guests to the meeting are there to simply observe and take notes, and that the
conversation is between only you and your difficult person if possible.

The safe zone is also about trust and respect. If there is no mutual respect between you and your difficult
person, you may have to take time to establish a few rules at the beginning of the meeting. For example,
“We will control our tempers and language during the conversation,” means that you start with an
agreement to treat each other respectfully.

Next, you describe the behavior gap using the facts, frequency, and frustrated relationship language that
you learned in Step 1.

Finally, you must make it easy. This may seem like a Zen statement and also bother some of you, but it is
also the sign of a very competent leader. Make the conversation easy on them and make it easy for them
to comply with your requests. If there are barriers to the difficult person improving, your job is to
remove those barriers. If they are having trouble getting motivated, your job is to help them find the
motivation within and work with it.

There is nothing helpful or noble if you make things harder for people, so take this step seriously. (You’ll
see that it works great with teenagers, too, if you happen to have any!) Explore the barriers together.
Ask the individual what they think they can do and what is possible. Don’t follow your natural tendency
to tell them what to do or to give tasks they don’t want to someone else. The work still has to be done.
Your role is to enable them to do it, and do it to the best of their ability.

Step 3: Take Action

In order to make sure the gap raised in your conversation gets dealt with, you will need to create an
action plan. These action plans are no good without the difficult person’s agreement to deliver. You’ll
also need to set up a follow up timetable (daily, weekly, or monthly check-ins) to make sure they have
what they need and can deliver.

If the action plan is not followed to the letter, then you’ll know that it is time to take things to the next
level. This might mean that you must start career-altering conversations with your difficult person. Those

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second-level conversations are rarely needed when you determine that your action plan is appropriate
and that you and the difficult person had the tools to succeed.

Changing Yourself
Negative vs. Positive Interactions

Deep down, we already know that we cannot change other people. Fortunately, we do have control over
our own thoughts, and we can change our reactions to other people to help improve those relationships.
We also have the ability to influence other people’s behavior by reinforcing the behaviors we want
repeated, and ignoring the ones that we don’t want repeated.
Negative Interaction

Do you ever experience negative interactions and wish that you were somewhere else?
 Manager: “Why can you never do the invoices the way I want them done?
 Bookkeeper: “Because you keep changing your mind about how you want them done.”
 Manager: “No, it’s because you don’t listen to me.”

Positive Interaction

Take the reins and change the cycle!

 Manager: “Can you tell me why these invoices aren’t showing a due date on them?”
 Bookkeeper: “Because you keep changing your mind about how you want them done, and I
wasn’t sure what you wanted.”
 Manager (Option One): “I hadn’t realized I’d been sending you mixed messages. What are the
contradictory instructions I’ve given you?”
 Manager (Option Two): “When that happens, I’d like you to feel free to ask me and to get
some clarification. Then you’ll know what to do, and I will be happy with the invoices.”

You are the one in the best position to change a negative cycle to a positive one, and you’ll find it an
easier task when you start with a plan. Our spur of the moment reactions often don’t work out that well.
You can use the three-step process as a guide any time you have a tough meeting coming up with an
employee or with a client.
We’ve also got to be realistic. There is an old expression that says the best laid plans of mice and men
(and managers) do not all turn out as well as we’d like.

Dealing with Negative Feelings

Put yourself in charge of you.

Take a leaf out of Eleanor Roosevelt’s book and refuse to beat up on yourself or make yourself a victim in
these situations.

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Be proactive rather than reactive: notice what is going on around you, and when possible deal with
potential problems right away. (For example, you can plan team meetings to ensure issues are addressed
before they explode.)

Monitor your self-talk.

Become more aware of what you tell yourself both before and after dealing with a difficult situation.
Remember the reality of how what we tell ourselves comes true, whether those messages are positive or
negative.

Be in control.

Plan how you will handle the situation and visualize yourself feeling in control. After a situation has been
handled, analyze it, learn from it, and then put it aside.

If you still feel angry after you have dealt with a situation, use that anger constructively to clean your
office, or let it propel you out the door for a walk.

Work on your sense of humor.

Research tells us that laughter is a proven method for dispelling stress and feeling better about the
world. If things are getting heavy for you right now and you can’t find much to laugh about, try renting a
comedy or watching your favorite comedian.

Have a support team.

One of the most important things that you can do to deal with your negative feelings is to have a support
group – people you can go to and just talk about how you feel. In your organization, do you feel you have
that kind of support? Do all staff have that kind of support? (This is very different from gossiping;
confidentiality is a big factor here.)

However great your support system is at home, others will rarely be able to understand just how you
feel as well as someone who is working within the same culture and walking in a similar pair of shoes.
Part of your action plan for the end of today may be to work with others to create a safe haven (a
partner or confidante or some other support mechanism) where you can let off steam and pent up
emotion.

Why Don’t People Do What They Are Supposed To?

How many times have you thought or said, “Why can’t you just do what you’re supposed to?” Here’s a
list of possible answers to your question:

 They didn’t know why they should do it

 They didn’t know when to begin and end it.
 They didn’t know what they were supposed to do.
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 They didn’t know how to do it.

 They thought they were doing it.
 They thought your way wouldn’t work or that their way was best.
 They thought something else was more important.
 They aren’t rewarded for doing it, or they aren’t punished for not doing it.
 They are rewarded for not doing it, or they are punished for doing it.
 They didn’t think they could do it.

While this list was originally compiled by a survey conducted with 4,000 employees and managers with
various occupations in a wide variety of industries, the results are borne out repeatedly through
repeated surveys and employee engagement data.

(Source: Ferdinand F. Fournies, Why Employees Don’t Do What They’re Supposed to Do and What to Do
About It)
Remember that everyone is motivated, but that each of us are motivated by things that have value to us
personally. This means some of the people your work with may be motivated by the same things that
you are, but other people won’t be.

De-Stress Options to Use When Things Get Ugly

Belly Breathing

Loosen your clothes, close your eyes, mentally relax your body, and take ten or more deep breaths. Each
time you exhale, count silently: “one,” after the first breath, “two,” after the second breath, etc., up to at
least ten. If you lose count, or find yourself working on thoughts as they pass through your mind, start
your count over again. When you are finished, you should feel more calm and relaxed. (Your blood
pressure will go down temporarily, too.)

Visualize
Use positive imagery to boost your confidence. Couple this with positive language for even better
results. Use positive imagery and self-talk to see yourself performing well at whatever challenge you are
having. Negative words and images can become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Music
Music has the power to soothe or to give us energy. It also has healing power. Find a type of music that
relaxes you, and play it when you need to calm down. When you feel tired and listless, play some rousing
music (rather than drinking caffeine), to give you a pick up.

Acupressure and Massage

Holding a fingertip to the point of most pain or tension and pressing very hard into the offending muscle
for up to a minute can avert a headache or relieve tension. Have a friend or spouse learn how to do
massage therapy and/or acupressure on tense muscles, since daily treatment is better than once or
twice a month.
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If no one at home is available to help, have a look at your benefits plan. Many plans include this type of
treatment because they realize the long term benefits that are gained in terms of wellness.
Laughter

Laugher is the best medicine of all. A good belly laugh can lower blood pressure, slow your adrenaline,
and reverse the stomach acid that comes with negative responses. Be on the lookout for jokes and
cartoons you can share with family and friends. During a meeting with your difficult person, you may find
that humor helps to defuse the situation; laugh at yourself (not the other person, which is insulting).

General Coping Thoughts When Things Get Messy

 Take a deep breath and relax.

 Tell yourself that getting upset won’t help. Tell yourself repeatedly if it doesn’t work the first
time. The broken record technique works on you, too.
 Remind yourself that just as long as you keep your cool, you’re in control.
 I’m not going to let them get to me.
 I can’t change them with anger; I’ll just upset myself.
 I can find a way to say what I want to without anger.
 Stay calm – no sarcasm, no attacks, no judgments.
 I can stay calm and relaxed.
 No one is right, no one is wrong. We just have different needs.
 No matter what is said, I know I’m a good person.
 I’ll stay rational; anger won’t solve anything.
 Let them look all foolish and upset. I can stay cool and calm.
 His/her opinion isn’t important. I won’t be pushed into losing my cool.
 Take a time-out. Cool off, then come back and deal with it.
 Some situations don’t have good solutions. Looks like this is one of them. No use getting all
bent out of shape about it.
 It’s just a hassle. Nothing more, nothing less. I can cope with hassles.
 I’m getting better at this anger management stuff.
 I got angry, but kept the lid on saying things I’d regret. That’s progress.
 If they want me to get angry, I’m going to disappoint them.
 I can’t expect people to act the way I want them to.
 I don’t have to take this so seriously.

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Further Reading:

 Guide Christ-Centered Conflict Resolution: A Guide for Turbulent Times Paperback

– May 18, 2021by Tony Merida

 High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out Hardcover – April 6,
2021by Amanda Ripley

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