The Secret to a Calm Life (The School of life)

We’re likely to try out many sorts of lives before we land, finally, on the quiet variety. Rarely
does anyone start there, the kind of life where we try to be in bed by ten and are intensely
grateful when nothing has gone dramatically wrong in the preceding hours. We know how
much these stimulants can cost us. It takes great confidence to give up on being special. It
takes kindness to oneself to interrupt the longing for suffering and anguish. One might have
needed to try out almost everything else before realizing, in the end, that it was calm we
always really wanted.
The Mere-Exposure Effect
The mere-exposure effect is a psychological phenomenon by which we tend to like things
merely because we are exposed to them. So, simply exposing you to a random thing
repeatedly, makes you like it. And the same goes for pop songs, products, and people — with
the exception of those we dislike initially, seeing them more often can make us dislike them
further.
We can see that it takes about 15 repeats for the effect to reach its full potential. If the
exposure is too excessive, people get annoyed. And if they didn’t like the thing initially,
repeating it can make it worse.
Zajonc then tested how subjects responded to specific symbols, such as Chinese ideograms.
Subjects were shown various characters a different number of times and were then asked
which ones they liked. Those who were shown certain symbols the most also rated them as
most favorable.
When the people were later asked which shapes they found most pleasing, they reliably
chose those to which they had been exposed the most often, even though they had no
conscious awareness of that.
In 1968, advertisers and marketing executives were able to read Zajonc’s publication. Some
were happy to learn that the effect on the brain can be stronger if exposure comes with other
pleasant stimuli. Also, tell us what you think about ads.

Some of you may not know this but I lived in the US for 4 years and built my dream career
as a keynote speaker there. On the outside it may have looked glamorous... but inside I felt
empty (lonely). I wasn't happy. I realised that I had been chasing goals that I set for myself as
a 20 year old. I was no longer that person anymore yet I was still chasing those goals. Even
though many people told me that moving back to Australia was a bad move for my career, I
stuck to what was important to me and what felt right to me. If there's one thing I want you
to take away from this video, it's that if you don't have clarity on what's important to you in
life, you'll allow others to dictate your actions. That's why it's important to do the self-
reflection, so that you can know better what's right for you!
Absolute Success is Luck. Relative Success is Hard Work. (written by James Clear)
“You don’t know whether you’re going to be born rich or poor, male or female, infirm or
able-bodied, in the United States or Afghanistan. All you know is that you get to take one
ball out of a barrel with 5.8 billion balls in it. And that’s you.”
“In other words,” Buffett continues, “you’re going to participate in what I call the Ovarian
Lottery. And that is the most important thing that’s ever going to happen to you in your life.
It’s going to determine way more than what school you go to, how hard you work, all kinds
of things.”
Buffett has long been a proponent for the role of luck in success. In his 2014 Annual Letter,
he wrote, “Through dumb luck, [my business partner] Charlie and I were born in the United
States, and we are forever grateful for the staggering advantages this accident of birth has
given us.”
When explained in this way, it seems hard to deny the importance of luck, randomness, and
good fortune in life. And indeed, these factors play a critical role. But let’s consider a second
story.
But damn was she a hard worker. Persistent. Diligent. Driven. For decades she didn’t give up
and she helped save millions of lives as a result. Her story is a brilliant example of how
important hard work can be in achieving success.
Just a minute ago, it seemed reasonable that the Ovarian Lottery determined most of your
success in life, but the idea that hard work matters feels just as reasonable. When you work
hard you typically get better results than you would with less effort. While we can’t deny the
importance of luck, everyone seems to have this sense that hard work really does make a
difference.
One way to answer this question is to say: Luck matters more in an absolute sense and hard
work matters more in a relative sense.
The absolute view considers your level of success compared to everyone else. What makes
someone the best in the world in a particular domain? When viewed at this level, success is
nearly always attributable to luck. Even if you make a good initial choice—like Bill Gates
choosing to start a computer company—you can’t understand all of the factors that cause
world-class outcomes.
As a general rule, the wilder the success, the more extreme and unlikely the circumstances
that caused it. It’s often a combination of the right genes, the right connections, the right
timing, and a thousand other influences that nobody is wise enough to predict.
Then there is the relative view, which considers your level of success compared to those
similar to you. What about the millions of people who received similar levels of education,
grew up in similar neighborhoods, or were born with similar levels of genetic talent? These
people aren’t achieving the same results. The more local the comparison becomes, the more
success is determined by hard work.
Absolute success is luck. Relative success is choices and habits.
There is an important insight that follows naturally from this definition: As outcomes
become more extreme, the role of luck increases. That is, as you become more successful in
an absolute sense, we can attribute a greater proportion of your success to luck.
As Nassim Taleb wrote in Fooled by Randomness, “Mild success can be explainable by
skills and labor. Wild success is attributable to variance.”
The absolute view is more global. What explains the difference between a wealthy person
born in America and someone born into extreme poverty and living on less than $1 per day?
When discussing success from this angle, people say things like, “How can you not see your
privilege? Don’t you realize how much has been handed to you?”
The relative view is more local. What explains the difference in results between you and
everyone who went to the same school or grew up in the same neighborhood or worked for
the same company? When considering success from a local viewpoint, people say things
like, “Are you kidding me? Do you know hard I worked? Do you understand the choices and
sacrifices I made that others didn’t? Dismissing my success as luck devalues the hard work I
put in. If my success is due to luck or my environment, then how come my neighbors or
classmates or coworkers didn’t achieve the same thing?”
Both stories are true. It just depends on what lens you are viewing life through.
In any case, it is impossible to divorce the two. They both matter and hard work often plays a
more important role as time goes on.
This is true not only for overcoming bad luck, but also for capitalizing on good luck. Bill
Gates might have been incredibly fortunate to start Microsoft at the right time in history, but
without decades of hard work, the opportunity would have been wasted. Time erodes every
advantage. At some point, good luck requires hard work if success is to be sustained.
You can increase your surface area for good luck by taking action. The forager who explores
widely will find lots of useless terrain, but is also more likely to stumble across a bountiful
berry patch than the person who stays home. Similarly, the person who works hard, pursues
opportunity, and tries more things is more likely to stumble across a lucky break than the
person who waits. Gary Player, the famous golfer and winner of nine major championships,
has said, “The harder I practice, the luckier I get.”
In the end, we cannot control our luck—good or bad—but we can control our effort and
preparation. Luck smiles on us all from time to time. And when it does, the way to honor
your good fortune is to work hard and make the most of it.

Hell, your future!

Much of the reason why we give up, fall into despair and abandon our projects is not because
things are hard per se, but because they are harder – far harder – than we had ever expected
them to be. It isn’t necessarily difficulty that sinks us; it’s misconceived notions of what a
task should legitimately demand. The wise keep going not because they are braver, but
because they have learnt to be a lot better prepared, by which we mean, a lot sadder. They
know that defeats and humiliations are unavoidable events, not anomalous or freakish
punishments. They wonder, at the close of every quiet day, why not more has gone wrong.
They marvel that their partner has not yet left them, that a key member of their team has not
resigned, that an old enemy hasn’t posted something repulsive on social media, that the tax
authorities aren’t at the door, that they can still swallow and breathe and that the political
system hasn’t to date completely broken down.
The 5 Stages of Grief
First comes Denial. When we experience a loss, we feel shocked and numb, and then simply
deny what happened. The refusal to accept the truth temporarily protects us from all the
negative thoughts and consequences of the tragedy. Denial gives us a bit of room to breathe.
Then comes Anger. We feel furious and resentful, often blaming ourselves or others for the
catastrophe. Anger shields us from pain. We feel less vulnerable and more in control of the
situation.
When the loss sinks in, Depression follows. We go through feelings of sadness and despair.
We withdraw from others. As we face reality, depression can help us process our grief.
Healing can begin.
Lastly, there is acceptance. We come to terms with what has happened. This does not mean
we forget, but we find a way to integrate the loss into our life.
This process is unique to each of us and is not always linear. Often we cycle back, revisit
stages or experience some entirely new emotions. Sometimes it can feel like we are
regressing, …
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist who supported those facing their own death, observed
the five stages in the 1960es. She later wrote: “The most beautiful people we have known are
those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found
their way out of the depths.”
How to Know If You Have Real Friends (And What to Do If You Don't)
What if being lonely were actually a sign of being an interesting, emotionally sincere and
thoughtful person?
With whom (if anyone) could you discuss your true insecurities or complexities around sex?
Although society – at least in certain parts of the world – likes to present itself as
immensely open, it’s a radically different matter when it comes to our erotic lives: it’s tricky
to be an elegantly attired Dean of the Business Faculty who wants to …; a tank commander
who …; a mother of two delightful children with a longing to ….
Who likes the idiot in you? We might – having surveyed them - realise that we have very few
friends indeed; perhaps even none at all. This is no matter for panic or shame. Many of us are
- in fact - in the very same position. And the more of us can realise it, the more we can stop
pretending that friendship is as common as we say it is.