7 Day Quick Start

Action Guide
This guide will help you get results.
It’s designed to get you moving. It’s designed
to help you take action once you’ve finished
reading His Secret Obsession.
But this guide will only work if you have
already taken the time to read (or listen to)
the main course, which is titled His Secret
Obsession. So please start there.
Once you’ve done that, follow this seven-day
plan to put your new skills into action.
 Do You Need a Hero?
Day

To tap into the Hero Instinct, you’ve got to become comfortable with the idea of having a
hero.
That means (1) being able to see the hero inside your man, and (2) feeling comfortable
with allowing him to be your hero.
To find out how well you already do this, answer the following questions:
1. Do you feel comfortable allowing a man to open a car door for you, take your arm as a
protective gesture on slippery ice, or pay for a meal?
2. If you’re having trouble with something (whether it’s figuring out a computer glitch or
deciding what to do about the warning light in your car), do you prefer to persevere on
your own? Or do you feel comfortable asking your man (or a guy you like) to come along
side you for either help or advice?
3. Do you worry about losing your independence in a relationship? Do you ever worry
about becoming dependent on a man?
4. Do you respect the masculine side of the men you know? Do you ever make fun of men
for being male, or put them down for their efforts to reach for the ideals of “manliness”
they feel compelled to strive for?
5. When you watch films or hear stories of male heroism, do you feel the power of the
emotional climax deep in your heart … or do you shrug it off as silly male fantasy?
Scoring
Give yourself 1 point each if…
You appreciate a man’s attempts to act like a gentleman.
You readily reach out to a man for advice or help.
You feel that a relationship is no threat to your independence.
You appreciate masculinity and the drive guys have to “prove” their worth.
You feel touched by stories of male heroism.
How many points did you get?
If you got 3-5, you’re doing great. You respect the unspoken hero inside every man. You
know how to have your man’s back.
If you got 2 or less, then you may need to consider how some of your beliefs are working
against the Hero Instinct.
It can be hard to see the hero inside every man, especially if you’ve been with less-than-
heroic men in the past. But you can change the results you get with men by appreciating
(and even encouraging) the masculine qualities that drive so many of their emotions.
With that in mind, your task today is to focus on seeing the hero in the men around you.
Notice when a man offers to help you. Pay attention to news stories about men who’ve
stepped up in the face of danger. Consider how the men you know seek to serve through
their careers and families.
For extra credit, listen to that Bonnie Tyler song from the 1980s, “Holding Out for a
Hero.” There’s a reason that song has appeared on the soundtrack to so many movies. It
stirs the hearts of men and women alike.
 Invite Him to Your Own Private Island
Day

“The Private Island” Signal works because frequent pleasurable interactions with a man,
especially when those interactions are tied in with his sense of purpose, kindle feelings of
attraction.
Today, your goal is to apply this idea by interacting with a man you’re interested in. Ideally,
use the “Damsel in Distress” Signal, which I cover in Module 17.
You might structure your request like this:
1. Open your conversation with something admirable you’ve noticed about him.
2. Make a request that is somehow related to that talent.
3. After he’s completed your request, thank him warmly.
For example, you might say with a wink, “Hey, you work out, don’t you? Would you help
me carry this over to my desk? Thanks for letting me borrow your brawn.”
Or, “You’re good with numbers, aren’t you? Could you help review these calculations for
me? I don’t know why they’re not coming out right. Thanks so much for that; you’re a
lifesaver.”
Next, brainstorm 5 ways you could increase the frequency of your interactions with him.
Try to tie those interactions into his desire to feel like a provider…a man with a purpose. A
man who is able to serve others.
For example, you might….
Ask him for advice on a topic he knows well.
Tell him how much you admire his _______ and ask him if he could help guide you
through purchasing something similar.
Mention a problem you’ve been having with your plumbing or car or something you
know he is knowledgeable about.
Ask him for help with something that requires his height or strength, like getting a
box off the top shelf.
For extra credit, see if you can explain The Hero Instinct to a friend. Teaching someone
what you’ve learned is one of the best ways to test your own understanding.
 Help Him Win
Day

A man won’t get into a relationship with a woman That’s not always easy to do. Sometimes, you’ll
unless he’s sure he can “win” with her. That means find yourself invalidating a man or making him feel
he wants to win your admiration. small without even realizing it. Examples include:
It has to do with the way he feels about himself Ignoring him to avoid showing too much interest
when he’s in your presence. In practical terms, Rolling your eyes at his attempts to appear
this comes down to learning how to validate men. manly
Appreciation is just one kind of validation. There Shaming him for his playful, boyish interests
are many more. You can validate him by:
Pointing out ways other men have done
Laughing at his jokes something better
Visibly enjoying his company Declining his offers of assistance or advice
Complimenting him Speaking to him dismissively
Letting him impress you (and letting it show) If something like that happens, simply notice
Saying “yes” it. Awareness is the first step to changing old
Making warm, friendly eye contact patterns.

Today, try to give validation to every man you For extra credit, continue to practice the “Damsel
come into contact with. Allow him to feel as if he’s in Distress” Signal wherever there’s an opportunity.
won you over.
 Hold Up an Irresistible Promise
Day

In Module 3, I explain that many men fear that break out the notepads and pens, and get started.
being in a relationship will keep them from Depending on which feels best to you, you might
achieving something meaningful in life. phrase it as developing your couple “mission
However, your relationship can be what gives him statement,” or you might want to get more formal
a sense of meaning and purpose. and set goals for specific things you want to enjoy
The key is to have a vision for what you’d like to together in life by certain points in the near future.
achieve as a couple. Use the Glimpse Phrase (Module 14) to find out
If you’re in a committed relationship, your task for what he thinks is possible for a relationship. Use
today is to brainstorm a vision for your relationship the X-Ray Question (Module 13) to find out what
with your partner. drives him on the deepest level.

You might want to prepare by doing the “Begin at As you discuss how you could support each other’s
the End” exercise I recommend on p.126. happiness, make sure to write down every idea, no
matter how outlandish. Allow him to express his
Make this experience special. Tell him that you fears as well.
want to spend time planning ways to invest in his
happiness. Tell him you want to share your best Then, take what you’ve brainstormed and refine it
ideas for enhancing each other’s lives. into a cohesive vision. Your vision should be:

Make it a date. Take an hour or two one evening Realistic. It shouldn’t rely on either of you
to share ideas with him. Go out to dinner first, or becoming someone you aren’t. Start from the
order in your favorite meal. Once you’re settled in, premise that both of you will be the same people 5
years from now as you are today. Here’s another example. During your
Aspirational. It should contain elements that brainstorming session, you both decide you’re tired
both of you would look forward to. This is about of all work and no play. And you both love downhill
what you want from your relationship, not what snowboarding.
you think a relationship should have. Your vision might look like this. “By February 3rd,
Mutual. You both need to be on board with we will have at least two weekend getaways on our
every element of your vision. Your couple goals calendar. We’ll enjoy a ski lodge and a guilt-free
should support your individual dreams. getaway for some snowboarding adventure.”

Enjoyable. There’s nothing wrong with setting What if you’re single?

goals that you’ll have to work hard to achieve, but If you’re single, this concept is even more
make sure you’ll enjoy the process of getting there. important. It’s a paradigm shift. Instead of trying to
Once you’ve agreed on your goals, break them win a guy’s heart, just get him talking about what
down into baby steps. How might you start today he loves most about life.
on moving towards your dream? Then suggest ways he could sidestep obstacles
Brainstorm some of the milestones you’ll hit along and just go for it. You’ll be surprised how often
the way, and consider how you’ll celebrate. this approach ends up pulling you into his life in
unexpected ways.
For example, if you both dream of owning your
own home, you might decide to open up a savings Remember this. From the first moment you meet
account and put aside a certain amount of money a guy you like, your job is to be like a portal to a
each month. You might decide to start looking at better life. Help him embrace what he wants to go
properties now, so you’ll have a better idea of what after. Invite him to take on the challenges society
you want when you’re ready to buy. has caused him to back away from.

You might even start a vision board, where you In so doing, you’ll reawaken his manly instinct to
paste images of your dream house. You might work hard, play hard, and overcome obstacles.
decide to celebrate when you reach 25%, 50%, and To commit to going after what he wants, and
75% of your savings goal. embracing the best life possible.
 Build Forward Momentum
Day

I hope you’re continuing to see the hero inside the men you encounter. Keep up your
efforts to create brief but frequent interactions with the man you’re interested in. And
validate the effort guys make to engage with you so they feel like they are “winning.”
Today, your new task is to practice positive reinforcement.
You’ll be looking at ways to encourage behavior you want to see more of, whether it’s
with your special someone or a work colleague.
In Module 6, I explain that positive reinforcement means rewarding him for the small and
natural things he does right. This encourages him to do more of what you like.
But there’s another kind of behavioral conditioning all of us have used on occasion:
negative reinforcement.
With negative reinforcement, you attempt to change a man’s behavior by making it
unpleasant for him to continue to do the wrong thing. You might complain, nag, threaten,
shame him, give him the cold shoulder, and so forth. This is an easy trap to fall into when
you feel like he isn’t doing his part.
Have you ever used negative reinforcement to try to get someone to change their
behavior? If so, how well did that work?
Negative reinforcement gets quick results at the cost of draining the joy from a
relationship, while positive reinforcement produces lasting changes.
Today, look for opportunities to practice positive reinforcement. Look for things he’s
doing right and express appreciation or gratitude. Don’t make a big fuss; simply be
genuine and heart-felt.
Become the kind of person who’s always looking for things other people are doing right.
If you’re single, look for opportunities to practice positive reinforcement with other
people in your life, like your roommate or work colleagues.
For example, if your roommate has done the dishes, say, “It’s so nice to come home to a
clean sink. Thank you.” Or if a work colleague has made a start on a project, say, “This is
so much easier thanks to the work you’ve already put in. Thanks for that.”
Set a goal of practicing positive reinforcement on a daily basis. Appreciation is the
secret currency of happy relationships, and it works like a charm to influence behavior
in positive ways.
If you practice this every day, it will come naturally at the moment when it really counts.
You’ll use it on automatic pilot the first time he does something heroic to serve you or
impress you.
Remember, your job is to catch him doing something right. Not just anything, but the
specific things that happen when his hero instinct has been activated by his interactions
with you.
Then reinforce that behavior so he feels like he is succeeding. This will create a rolling
snowball effect in his relationship with you.
 Open Up
Day

In Module 10, I discuss the importance of vulnerability. Share your vulnerability simply and neutrally, and give
The more you open up to him, the closer you become. him space to respond.
Vulnerability can feel dangerous. Who wants to admit If he doesn’t know what to say or changes the subject,
they’re not perfect, they’re scared sometimes, or they that’s okay. He may not know what to do with what
make mistakes? you’ve just told him, but that doesn’t mean he won’t
Chances are, he’s just as afraid of admitting those think about it.
things as you are. Your honesty gives him the courage If you’re single, don’t be afraid to use the power of
to reciprocate. vulnerability. It calls to a man’s hero instinct. Talk about
Today, your task is to allow him to see one of your what’s real. People can tell when your breaking past
vulnerabilities. small talk to mention real needs, real worries, and real
desires.
It doesn’t have to be anything major. In fact, it’s best to
start small. We feel drawn to people who are real, open, and honest
about what they want in life. These people make us
See how he copes with hearing you admit that you’re feel less lonely. Because it feels like we’re in this life
not perfect, or you did something wrong, or there’s together. It’s just a bonus that your vulnerability draws
something about your relationship with him that scares out a man’s protective instincts.
you.
For extra credit, notice how you react when someone
Starting small and sticking to just one confession shares something personal with you. Do you listen
ensures you won’t emotionally overload him. Not all carefully and supportively? Or do you make it about
men feel comfortable carrying a woman’s secrets. If you by giving your opinion or advice, or reciprocating
possible, choose a vulnerability that you suspect he with your own bigger and better story?
shares, too.
 Are You His¬ Secret Obsession?
Day

Today, your task is to look at the big picture of your 9 to learn more about an important man in your life and
relationship. You’ll be asked to apply some of the ideas make him feel as if you really “get” who he is and what
I suggest to see how far you’ve come and how far you he wants in life.
have yet to go.
3. Have his back
1. Knight, Prince or King? If you’re in a relationship, ask yourself the three
In Module 5, I explain the difference between a Knight, questions I raise on p.22. Do you:
a Prince, and a King. Encourage him to pursue meaningful achievements?
If you’re in a relationship, which stage do you think your Gladly accept his drive to provide for you by sharing
man is in? Can you think of any ways to show that you your needs and valuing what he has to offer you?
on board with what he’s seeking at this stage in his life?
Demonstrate respect for him because of his ability
If you’re single, make a game of guessing which stage of and willingness to do the two things listed above?
life each man you meet is in.
Below each of the three points above, list 5 ways you
2. Honor his purpose can either encourage him, share your needs, or show
If you’re in a relationship, do you feel like you’ve the respect you feel for him.
become the one person in his life who understands If you’re single, apply these questions to your most
what he wants and helps him get more of it? If not, recent interactions with a guy you like. Were you
review Module 9 for suggestions. able to encourage him, value what he has to offer, and
If you’re single, use the techniques I suggest in Module respect him? If not, how could you build these qualities
into your next interaction?
 Vocabulary Review
Memorizing these terms will have a big payoff. Memorization is undervalued these days. Here’s why.
When you memorize these terms, the underlying concepts will be floating around in your mind, influencing what
you notice about the world around you. I challenge you to take the time to commit these concepts to memory.
Match each phrase with the correct definition.

1. The “X-ray Question” a. A way to encourage attraction through frequent interactions

2. The Glimpse Phrase b. The stage of life where a man knows what he stands for and takes pride in
providing for those he loves
3. The Secret Currency of
Happy Relationships c. A request for help that puts him in a heroic role
4. The “I Owe You” Signal d. A way to get a man to change his behavior by expressing disapproval
5. The “Damsel in Distress” e. Appreciation
Signal
f. The stage of life where a man is focused on making his mark in the world
6. The Propinquity Effect
g. A way to get him to agree to something you want him to do by getting him to
7. A Knight agree to something smaller first
8. A Prince h. A way to get a man to change his behavior by praising him for what he does right
9. A King i. A way to find out what drives him and fills him with positive emotion
10. Negative Reinforcement j. The stage of life where a man is passionate, fun-loving, and in pursuit of adventure
11. Positive Reinforcement k. A provocative question that encourages him to co-create your relationship
 Answer Key 1. j 4. g 7. j 10. d
2. k 5. c 8. f 11. h
3. e 6. a 9. b

Are You Practicing the 5 Steps?

If you’re in a relationship, review the 5 steps below. 3. Gradually build on the momentum of success he
Give yourself a score from 0 to 5 for each, where 0 experiences with each of the opportunities you give him to
“win” at making you happy.
means you’re not doing this at all, 3 means you’re doing
average, and 5 means you can’t improve any more. 4. Help him gain more clarity about who he is and what he
really wants in his relationship with you.
1. Give him micro-opportunities to meet your needs and
make you happy.
5. Show him that he does not have to choose between you
and the adventure of pursuing the life he truly desires.
2. Actually show the appreciation you feel when he works If you gave yourself 3 or less on any of the steps,
toward your happiness. This makes him feel like he is brainstorm 3 ways you could put this step into action in
“winning” in his relationship with you. your current relationship.