Edmund kang

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Theological and spiritual perspectives on death and dying

Time and again, in the grit of pain both mental and physical, we need help to
re-discover God is with us in a way that doesn�t ignore, dismiss or placate
suffering but offers a redemptive story of suffering and hope.
Deacon Deborah Wilde

While many people draw strength and comfort from church tradition, expressed both
in its teachings and in art and iconography, the Church as well as wider society
has largely abandoned ideas of death once typical of what might be called
�Victorian� spirituality. The na�ve image of our loved ones hovering on wings,
white-robed, looking down on us from above the clouds, no longer holds any
consolation. While grief for lost children can still be expressed through use of
the word �angel�, we may rightly be reluctant to console the grieving with the
bland words �s/he has gone to be with Jesus�. What, then, is the redemptive story
of which Deborah Wilde speaks?

The Christian Faith arose from and centres on the resurrection of Jesus from the
dead. From its earliest days, the church believed and preached that his
resurrection guaranteed resurrection for all who were joined to him through faith.
In 1 Corinthians 15:12-19, the apostle Paul regards faith as futile without this
core understanding; whilst in John�s gospel Jesus tells Martha, �I am the
resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will
live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die� (John 11:25-26).

However much modern medicine strives to delay death, it is inevitable throughout

the natural world and humans cannot evade it. Yet archaeological evidence suggests
humans have always had an innate belief or hope that individual life does not
simply end when the body dies. In some ancient philosophies and in certain
religions, as well as in much popular culture, humans are considered to have a non-
physical soul which is freed at death to a new kind of existence, whether in a
spirit world or re-incarnated in another earthly creature. In contrast, the
Christian creeds affirm that at death life entirely ends, as it did for Jesus, but
that God then likewise raises us to a life everlasting for which �heaven� serves as
shorthand. We will no longer have our earthly bodies but �spiritual� or
�resurrection� ones, as considered in 1 Corinthians 15:35-58.

Christians therefore believe that we have a life to come with God, and with Jesus
who has prepared it for us - �I go to prepare a place for you, and I will come
again and will take you to myself, so that where I am you may be also� (John 14:2-
3). And if all believers are thus with Jesus then of course we are re-united with
each other through that relationship.

Long before some Jews in later Old Testament times began to hope for resurrection
(such as Job in Job 19:25-27), God�s people learned to think theologically of dying
as a sign also of what happens to our spiritual wellbeing if we separate ourselves
from God and choose instead the way of sin. This truth is graphically portrayed in
the story in Genesis 3, familiar at least in part to most people, which ends with
God guarding the tree of life so that humans might never by themselves obtain
eternal life. �Hell� is our shorthand for a life completely devoid of God and
therefore of goodness; there is no point in attempting any further description.
When we think about death and dying, the Christian tradition invites us to appraise
seriously what matters most to us. Do we above all prize an earthly life lived by
our own decisions about what to value? Or are we seeking to be ever closer to God
through a relationship with Jesus? If it is the latter then that relationship with
Jesus which begins in our earthly life will continue beyond resurrection; and in
that sense we are able to truly say that we already have eternal life.

Revd Dr Jonathan H Pye says in his Personal view (link below): �For Christians,
whilst death is unavoidably �an� end it is not, and can no longer be, �the� end;
for the Christian story points us beyond this life to participation in a new, but
not discontinuous, life in Christ. How this is to be experienced, however, lies
beyond our articulation and must remain, at best, speculative. What is important is
how we live now in the anticipation not only of our future life but the knowledge
that we, and those around us, will one day die�. As long as we live it is never too
late to consider our mortality and re-focus our purpose.

While not everyone is possessed of a Christian faith, or even subscribes to any

religious teachings, it is commonly said that we all have spiritual needs.
�Spirituality is what gives us meaning, hope and purpose in our lives. It is hard
to define because it is an individual thing, different for everyone. Although for
some people it is very closely linked to their faith, it is a broader term than
religion� (Birmingham and Solihull handbook, see link below). Meeting our spiritual
needs is part of the very definition of palliative medicine (see the section on
caring for those approaching death).

Whatever our spiritual, religious or theological standpoint, arguably we all have a

need to try and make sense of our lives and of our own mortality. Some, like Dylan
Thomas, may rage against the dying of the light; others, with Charles Wesley
(Singing the Faith (StF) 355), may feel able to sing �Safe into the haven guide;
Oh, receive my soul at last�. The suggested resources are a starting point for
further study and reflection.

Big questions about death and dying

At some point in your life, you may find yourself asking �big questions� about
matters of life and death. You may wonder about things such as the meaning of life
or the existence of God. Maybe you have questions about life after death, why there
is so much suffering in the world, or indeed a whole list of other concerns.

Perhaps events in your life, such as the birth of a child, a career change or the
death of a relative set you thinking. Now that you�re having to come to terms with
death � either your own or that of another � maybe you�re asking those kind of deep
and meaningful questions again. They might be worrying, or even scaring you. The
good news is that you�re not alone.
It�s OK to ask

Fr Peter Harries, the Catholic chaplain at University College London Hospital, has
been asked these kind of questions for the past 15 years. He explains: �Sometimes
people ask �is there a God?� or �how can God allow this suffering to happen to me
or to a loved one?� It can indeed be difficult to believe in God when faced with
suffering. But I find that most people don�t usually want a philosophical debate at
that point. They just want to know that it�s OK to ask these kind of questions �
and I reassure them that it is.�

The reality is that your big questions will be unique to you. Regardless of your
religious beliefs, you may find it helpful to explore them with someone such as a
chaplain, priest or minister. He or she may not be able to give you all of the
answers, but they will offer a listening ear and may be able to share some food for
thought.
Spiritual support

Fr Peter goes on: �Many people find faith difficult or have not given much thought
to religious faith or to the �big questions� before. So I invite them to reflect on
what life means for them. It�s also true that spiritual support can be given
without giving religious words. It�s about a presence that allows these things to
be thought about in a safe space.�
Fear of the unknown

What, if anything, happens after death is a question that may be of particular

concern to you right now. Perhaps you believe that that there is no life after
death � and that is troubling you. Maybe you�re really not sure, but you very much
hope that there is life beyond the grave for you or your loved one. And even if you
have faith in everlasting life, you may find yourself getting �cold feet� about it.

Sister Alice Thomas, a chaplain at Kings� College Hospital in London, recognises

these concerns: �Every day, directly or indirectly, patients voice to me their fear
of the unknown. I work with many people from many denominations � and also those of
no faith � and it�s very common for people to be anxious about what happens after
death. This is a difficult topic to address generally; it really requires an open
conversation with someone about their own private or personal struggles with
belief. If the fear of the unknown is troubling someone � whether they have faith
or not � I encourage them to open up to a chaplain, priest or minister.�
Hopes and beliefs

The hope Christians have in life after death is rooted in the resurrection of
Jesus. During the final prayer at a cemetery after a Catholic funeral, the priest
says: �In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our
Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God our brother/sister N., and we commit
his/her body to its resting place: earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.�1

People with a belief or hope in life after death may also find it comforting to
look on death as a reunion. The time has now come to reunite with loved ones who
have gone before. If you are dying, you may be saying goodbye to some loved ones,
but it means you will also shortly be saying hello to others.

On the other hand, even if you are not a believer, you will probably still have big
questions to ask, although yours may be very different. Again, it�s worth talking
about them with a trusted listener.
Mystery in suffering

Dealing with suffering might also be very much on your mind. You may be dealing
with physical pain, limitations on your life, personal grief, or worries about what
lies ahead. This may have led to questions about why God is allowing you or your
loved one to suffer, or what you could possibly have done to deserve this.

�There is mystery to suffering,� acknowledges Fr John O�Toole, a priest from

London. �Yet, when suffering does afflict us, even when we can�t explain why, we
can recognise that there can be good that comes out of suffering. For example,
after an immense tragedy, people show great courage or bravery or generosity.�
Becoming closer to God

Others have found that they are able to better appreciate the value of life or
become closer to God amid their sufferings. Some people have discovered that death
has served as a �reality check�, helping them to appreciate what is truly important
in life.

As the author C.S. Lewis once put it: �God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks
in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf
world.�2
Why does God let death happen?

For Christians, however, the ultimate answer to the meaning and value of suffering
is found in the experience of Jesus himself. In The Mystery of the Cross, Cardinal
Basil Hume, the former leader of the Catholic Church in England and Wales, wrote
about the closeness of Christ to those who are experiencing pain, suffering or
death. He reminded us that Christ who was cruelly tortured and crucified on Calvary
still identifies himself with those who need his presence in their hour of need:

�Sometimes people wonder, when confronted by tragedy or suffering, why God lets it
happen. When we are tempted to echo those words, we need to remember that God is
now and forever at the heart of any human suffering. The Christ who was cruelly
tortured and crucified on Calvary suffers still whenever there is pain, suffering
or death, among those he now identifies with. If we ask �where was God in all this?
�, the answer has to be �There, wherever there are human beings�.�3

When Andrew Robinson from Coventry was training to be a priest, he discovered he

had advanced colon cancer. Throughout his journey towards death, he saw it as a
sharing in the cross of Christ. His mother recalled his words the day before he
died: �I too have lost my dignity, I now know how Jesus felt at the cross when they
stripped him of his garments.�

There is Hope and In lif

PROBLEM OF DEATH
The theology of death will be considered under three main headings: (1) the problem
of death, i.e., the apparent contradictions that arise when man tries to understand
the phenomenon of human death; (2) the mystery of death, i.e., the answer to this
problem as it is contained in divine revelation (this will have two main aspects,
death a consequence of sin and death transformed by the dying and rising of
Christ); (3) theological understanding of the mystery of death, i.e., an endeavor
to penetrate the meaning of the answer supplied by revelation to the problem of
death.
Man's knowledge of death on the human level comes only from external observation.
No one has experienced death and then explained to other men the nature and meaning
of this experience. As one observes this phenomenon of death, two apparently
contradictory judgments concerning it force themselves upon the mind, and this is
what constitutes the problem of death. On the one hand, death for man seems
entirely natural and in keeping with what he is. On the other, death seems
completely absurd, in flat contradiction to the special characteristics that
distinguish man from all other creatures in the material universe.

Grieving with Great Hope: Paths to Healing after the Death of a Loved One

Dec 19, 2017 | Publications

At one time or another, everyone experiences the death of a loved one and goes
through a period of bereavement. This universal experience of profound loss
describes the period in which someone grieves inwardly and mourns outwardly on
their path to healing.

While grief feels like an unwelcome intruder in our life, it is a natural reaction
to loss. Grief is multifaceted and affects our whole being: physically, mentally,
emotionally, and spiritually. Sometimes, grieving may make us feel ill and include
overwhelming tiredness, restlessness, difficulty breathing, or other physical
symptoms. At other times, we may feel numb and disoriented as we yearn for the
person who has died. Mentally, it may feel like we are wandering aimlessly looking
for answers that cannot be found. While death has caused the physical loss of the
deceased, death has stolen the grieving person�s hopes and dreams for the future.
Feeling anxious, having trouble sleeping, and dwelling on old arguments and regrets
are also common. Most people also experience sudden outbursts of tears during
periods of grief, oftentimes triggered by memories or reminders of the loved one.
They may describe themselves as an �emotional wreck� because it is difficult to
contain their feelings. A person�s faith can be greatly challenged as well. Clearly
there are numerous symptoms and expressions that come with grief.

Mourning needs a voice that expresses our loss. The bereaved individual needs to
know he or she is being heard. In other words, putting feelings into words is an
important help in processing the loss. There are no right or wrong words, since the
words the individual uses have special meaning to them personally. Some people also
mourn by expressing themselves in poetry, writing music, journaling, or
scrapbooking memories. These all give an outward voice to the pain felt within.
Following religious rituals, such as having a wake and praying a rosary for the
deceased, or adopting cultural practices, such as dressing in dark clothes for a
set length of time, are additional ways people mourn publicly. Mourning draws
people together and allows the bereaved to have a community of support, which is
essential for healing and moving forward.

Processing Our Grief

John and Sandy O�Shaughnessy, founders of a Catholic bereavement ministry called

Good Mourning Ministry, say it is essential to process grief. Death has changed
everything, and life will never be the same again for the bereaved person. It is in
processing the grief through prayerful reflection, practical learning, and personal
fellowship that the individual will be able to build a bridge for a new and
different life. No two individuals grieve in the same way or for the same length of
time. After all, God uniquely formed each person in His image and likeness.

However, for decades, experts believed everyone grieves in five well-defined stages
that were first described by the Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. In her
work with terminally ill patients, she observed them going through stages of
denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In her book On Death and
Dying (1969), she portrayed these stages as predictable and linear in progression.
Individuals needed to complete one stage before moving to the next.

By 2000, grief counselors began to criticize Kubler-Ross�s stages. Counselors

realized that not all individuals move through the stages in the same order, and
having well-defined stages did not account for the uniqueness of each person who
grieves a loss in life.

Four Active Tasks of Mourning

Criticism of the stages also reflected a change in the way grief counselors came to
view the grieving process. Grief began to be understood as an active process rather
than a passive one. This shift was in a large part due to the work of J. William
Worden at the Harvard Medical School. In his book Grief Counseling and Grief
Therapy, Worden presents four active tasks that people complete as they grieve.
These tasks include the following:

Accepting the reality of the loss. Denial is often the first instinct an
individual has in dealing with loss and grief. The individual must work through the
denial and come to full acceptance of the loss.
Processing the pain of grief. Trying to avoid the pain only prolongs the grief;
whereas working through the emotions brings healing.
 Adjusting to the world without the loved one. The grieving individual must
adjust to life without the physical presence of the deceased, which also involves
taking on new roles.
Maintaining an enduring connection, while embarking on a new life. The grieving
individual maintains an emotional and spiritual bond with the deceased through
memories and prayer, while moving toward new hope and experiences.

Six Needs of Mourning

A broadening understanding of bereavement is also seen in the work of Alan Wolfelt,

Founder of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Wolfelt, whose stages are like
Worden�s, describes Six Needs of Mourning:

Acknowledging the reality of the death. It can take anywhere from several days
to several months for the grieving individual to come to full acceptance of the
death.
Embracing the pain of loss. The grieving individual must confront the pain. The
individual will not be able to move forward without first embracing their pain.
Remembering the person who died. The grieving individual must hold on to
memories of the deceased. Before moving into the future, the individual must
embrace the past.
Developing a new identity and roles. The death of a spouse, child, parent or
other close family member changes our identities and roles. Feelings of being in a
fog are normal as the grieving individual strives to find his or her new role
compared to who he or she was in the past.
Searching for meaning. When bad things happen, it is normal to question why. It
is in these times the individual confronts his or her faith by pondering the
existential questions of man�s purpose and the human condition.
Ongoing support. A supportive network is a necessary part of the healing
process. It is in sharing our stories of grief that we work through the healing
process.

Grieving with Great Hope

The wisdom of the Church has always known what modern-day grief therapists now
know. Our Church has provided us with avenues to actively journey through grief.

Pray and spend time in Adoration. The psalmist wrote, �My soul is depressed;
life me up according to your word� (Psalm 119:28). Grieving individuals need to
realize they are weak and cling to God as they work through their grief. The
prophet Isaiah wrote, �He gives power to the faint, abundant strength to the
weak�They that hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on
eagles� wings; They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint� (Isaiah
40:29-31).
Remember and honor the loved one. Rituals are a great way to have a connection
with the deceased as we honor and remember them. Some examples of rituals include
having Mass offered in memory of the loved one, visiting their gravesite on
anniversaries or birthdays, or planting a tree as a symbol of new life.
Accept and acknowledge what happened. For change, there must be acknowledgement
of the situation. The grieving individual cannot move on without first
acknowledging the loss.
Accept the pain. Suffering is part of the grieving process. Avoiding or
resisting the pain will only prolong the grieving process. Emotions are not good or
bad, but they must be dealt with. It is impossible to escape the pain associated
with mourning. After all Jesus wept for His friend Lazarus (see John 11:35). Jesus
gave us permission to weep. We all experience pain in this life. The pain of grief
is a gift to us because it is evidence of the presence of love. After all, man was
created to love and be loved.
 Reinvest your emotional energy. Some individuals feel they are being unfaithful
or disloyal to the deceased if they move on. Healthy grieving is about not
forgetting the person who died. Contributing to a project that was near and dear to
the deceased keeps the memory alive.
Seek ongoing support. There is no immediate and easy way through grief.
However, Jesus promised us that He would always be with us (John 14:18). As
Catholics, we are blessed to have Jesus, the Great Healer, comes to us in the
Sacraments. At Mass, we receive the body and blood of Christ, the source and summit
of our faith. The Sacrament of healing, Reconciliation, provides pardon and mercy.
Through prayerful support from our faith community and by turning to Jesus in the
Sacraments, we can grieve with great hope.

What is the best saying in life?

What the Bible says about everlasting life?
What are good short quests about life
What are some powerful quotes about life?

Big questions about death and dying

At some point in your life, you may find yourself asking �big questions� about
matters of life and death. You may wonder about things such as the meaning of life
or the existence of God. Maybe you have questions about life after death, why there
is so much suffering in the world, or indeed a whole list of other concerns.

Perhaps events in your life, such as the birth of a child, a career change or the
death of a relative set you thinking. Now that you�re having to come to terms with
death � either your own or that of another � maybe you�re asking those kind of deep
and meaningful questions again. They might be worrying, or even scaring you. The
good news is that you�re not alone.
It�s OK to ask

Fr Peter Harries, the Catholic chaplain at University College London Hospital, has
been asked these kind of questions for the past 15 years. He explains: �Sometimes
people ask �is there a God?� or �how can God allow this suffering to happen to me
or to a loved one?� It can indeed be difficult to believe in God when faced with
suffering. But I find that most people don�t usually want a philosophical debate at
that point. They just want to know that it�s OK to ask these kind of questions �
and I reassure them that it is.�

The reality is that your big questions will be unique to you. Regardless of your
religious beliefs, you may find it helpful to explore them with someone such as a
chaplain, priest or minister. He or she may not be able to give you all of the
answers, but they will offer a listening ear and may be able to share some food for
thought.
Spiritual support

Fr Peter goes on: �Many people find faith difficult or have not given much thought
to religious faith or to the �big questions� before. So I invite them to reflect on
what life means for them. It�s also true that spiritual support can be given
without giving religious words. It�s about a presence that allows these things to
be thought about in a safe space.�
Fear of the unknown

What, if anything, happens after death is a question that may be of particular

concern to you right now. Perhaps you believe that that there is no life after
death � and that is troubling you. Maybe you�re really not sure, but you very much
hope that there is life beyond the grave for you or your loved one. And even if you
have faith in everlasting life, you may find yourself getting �cold feet� about it.
Sister Alice Thomas, a chaplain at Kings� College Hospital in London, recognises
these concerns: �Every day, directly or indirectly, patients voice to me their fear
of the unknown. I work with many people from many denominations � and also those of
no faith � and it�s very common for people to be anxious about what happens after
death. This is a difficult topic to address generally; it really requires an open
conversation with someone about their own private or personal struggles with
belief. If the fear of the unknown is troubling someone � whether they have faith
or not � I encourage them to open up to a chaplain, priest or minister.�
Hopes and beliefs

The hope Christians have in life after death is rooted in the resurrection of
Jesus. During the final prayer at a cemetery after a Catholic funeral, the priest
says: �In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our
Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God our brother/sister N., and we commit
his/her body to its resting place: earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.�1

People with a belief or hope in life after death may also find it comforting to
look on death as a reunion. The time has now come to reunite with loved ones who
have gone before. If you are dying, you may be saying goodbye to some loved ones,
but it means you will also shortly be saying hello to others.

On the other hand, even if you are not a believer, you will probably still have big
questions to ask, although yours may be very different. Again, it�s worth talking
about them with a trusted listener.
Mystery in suffering

Dealing with suffering might also be very much on your mind. You may be dealing
with physical pain, limitations on your life, personal grief, or worries about what
lies ahead. This may have led to questions about why God is allowing you or your
loved one to suffer, or what you could possibly have done to deserve this.

�There is mystery to suffering,� acknowledges Fr John O�Toole, a priest from

London. �Yet, when suffering does afflict us, even when we can�t explain why, we
can recognise that there can be good that comes out of suffering. For example,
after an immense tragedy, people show great courage or bravery or generosity.�
Becoming closer to God

Others have found that they are able to better appreciate the value of life or
become closer to God amid their sufferings. Some people have discovered that death
has served as a �reality check�, helping them to appreciate what is truly important
in life.

As the author C.S. Lewis once put it: �God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks
in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf
world.�2
Why does God let death happen?

For Christians, however, the ultimate answer to the meaning and value of suffering
is found in the experience of Jesus himself. In The Mystery of the Cross, Cardinal
Basil Hume, the former leader of the Catholic Church in England and Wales, wrote
about the closeness of Christ to those who are experiencing pain, suffering or
death. He reminded us that Christ who was cruelly tortured and crucified on Calvary
still identifies himself with those who need his presence in their hour of need:

�Sometimes people wonder, when confronted by tragedy or suffering, why God lets it
happen. When we are tempted to echo those words, we need to remember that God is
now and forever at the heart of any human suffering. The Christ who was cruelly
tortured and crucified on Calvary suffers still whenever there is pain, suffering
or death, among those he now identifies with. If we ask �where was God in all this?
�, the answer has to be �There, wherever there are human beings�.�3

When Andrew Robinson from Coventry was training to be a priest, he discovered he

had advanced colon cancer. Throughout his journey towards death, he saw it as a
sharing in the cross of Christ. His mother recalled his words the day before he
died: �I too have lost my dignity, I now know how Jesus felt at the cross when they
stripped him of his garments.

Understanding grief loss hope and healing

What is Grief?

There has been a great deal written about grief, but in general it is a complex
emotion that may not be easily understood. It is the internal or personal response
to loss and one of the most common experiences of everyday life.

To grieve means to acknowledge in your heart and to others that your loss meant
something to you, and that you must honor the importance and pain of your loss.

There is a wide range of grief, from mild sadness to overwhelming suffering. Grief
may lead to depression, anger or disruptive behaviors if it is not acknowledged and
addressed. The sadness, the tears, the fatigue, the changes in how we feel
physically and emotionally and how we relate to friends and family can all be
confusing.1

American culture does not always make it easy to express grief. As a society, we
tend to glorify youth, beauty and health. This does not lead us to be able to
handle the reality of grief or death. We can be expected to hide our emotions or to
handle them within a certain time frame.2 We discourage the direct expression of
grief and at times feel so uncomfortable in allowing the grief to be expressed that
we try to stop it. We describe people who are crying or expressing pain as �not
doing well� and try to cheer those who are sad. We advise grieving individuals to
be brave when it is better to allow them the ability to express their emotions.3
Ambiguous Loss

After a person has a traumatic brain injury, the family is overwhelmed by emotions.
There is the initial fear, depression, anxiety and guilt�to name just a few. The
immediate concern is: Will they survive? There is joy and relief once it is known
that the person will live. However, if the person has had a severe or moderate
brain injury, the realization sets in that the person who survived is not the same
person that they were before the accident.

Emotions may be in turmoil because of the conflict experienced when you are
grateful that the person has lived yet grieve the person who is no longer there.
The relationship that you had with the injured person, whether parent/child,
partner, family member or close friend, is forever altered.

There are situations in which the family becomes so involved in providing care that
they do not recognize the effects the injury has on all members of the family. Even
the strongest families grieve the loss. Furthermore, there is not any ritual to
assist in this type of grief, because the loss is ambiguous.

Ambiguous loss is unresolved. There is no closure to it, and it becomes the new
reality. Some features of ambiguous loss include:

The loss is always about relationships.

The loss is stressful.
 There is the frustration of not knowing a �final outcome� of the accident � how
long therapy will last, how severe the deficits will be, when will the person be
back to their pre-accident self, what will the new normal be like, and how can a
person cope?
Ambiguous loss is not depression but can contribute to depression, anxiety,
conflict, illness or explosive emotions if not addressed.
Ambiguous loss may not be easily resolved.4

Children Who Experience Loss

No child is too young to be affected by loss. An infant recognizes the change in

feedings and care-giving routines after loss. They miss the presence of the family
member who has been injured, and they are able to sense the powerful emotions
expressed by others around them.

Young children grieve deeply but for shorter periods of time than adults. They are
easily overwhelmed by strong emotions, and a shorter emoting of grief serves as a
protection for them. This does not mean that they are not sad or that their
emotions have been addressed�it just means that it is all they are able to handle
at that particular time. Older children may focus their attention on school,
friends, or helping out when they can.

No matter the age of the child, they will likely not react in the way an adult
expects them to react. In fact, children may find it easier to express their
feelings through play, art or journaling. Although you may get an indication of
what a child is thinking, it is unrealistic to interpret their thoughts exactly.

A child may not be ready to deal with the loss they have experienced, and their
lack of emotion may be their inability to grieve at that time. Also, when children
are stressed they may behave like a much younger child. They may become whiny and
clingy. Younger children could have bowel or bladder accidents or become demanding.

It is important to meet the needs of a child who has experienced loss so that they
can care more about others.5
What is Hope?

Hope is an optimistic attitude based on an expectation of positive outcomes. People

who possess hope and think optimistically have a greater sense of well-being in
addition to improved health outcomes. The impact that hope can have on a patient�s
recovery is strongly supported through empirical research and theoretical
approaches. A person can live with ambiguous loss without becoming hopeless.

According to Janet Cromer, RN, MA, LMHC, these are some of the key points:

Recognize what�s going on. Underneath the confusion is a list of losses,

changes, thoughts and feelings. Write down your thoughts without censoring them.
Talk to other family members about their observations and talk to the individual
about what bothers him or her. Talking about an issue does not make it worse.
Find a safe and supportive connection. Talk to a therapist, counselor or
spiritual leader who is experienced in dealing with ambiguous loss. Inquire in
advance if they understand the issue. Join a support group that can assist in your
finding meaning and hope in the loss.
Come to a shared understanding of the situation over time. Learn what has been
lost for each family member and focus on where to build. Mourn whenever you feel
the need and understand that this act is not disloyal to the person.
Get to know the person for who they are after the accident. Rebuild roles,
rituals, and rules to live by.
Incorporate humor and fun whenever possible.
Accept that all or nothing will likely not work. There will be many situations
in which there can be anger and concern about a deficit (e.g., memory issues).
Hope is in the knowledge that there are new strategies to try and new options
for solving a problem. Explore these as your life moves in a new direction�one
small step at a time.

How to Help Families who have Experienced Loss

One of the most important things you can do for families who are grieving is to
offer help. Following are some suggestions:

Spend time with the family. Offer your company. Help out around the house if you
can. Fix something that is broken. Do laundry or make a meal. Help the children
with homework.

Don�t try to take away the grief. Let the family express powerful feelings. Trying
to take away the grief or finding something positive in the situation is usually
not helpful. Listen more and talk less.

Keep in touch. Grieving takes a long time. Offer support over the coming weeks and
months, paying special attention to birthdays, holidays and anniversaries.
Family Support Group

Rainbow offers a Family Support Group at Rainbow�s NeuroRehab Campus� in Farmington

Hills, MI. The group is free and open to the public. For more information, send an
email to FamilySupport@rainbowrehab.com or call 734-482-1200 and speak with Dr.
Mariann Young.
References

The Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving. Holland, Debra, M.S. Ph.D. New
York: Alpha Books, 2011.

http://www.tneel.uic.edu/tneel-ss/demo/grief/outline1.asp (Accessed July 5,

2017)

http://www.deathreference.com/Gi-Ho/Grief-and-Mourning-in-CrossCultural-
Perspective (Accessed July 5, 2017)

http://www.lapublishing.com/blog/2011/brain-injury-blog-ambiguousloss/
(Accessed Oct. 30, 2017)

After a Loved One Dies-How Children Grieve. Schonfeld, David, MD & Quackenbush,
Marcia, MS,MFT,CHES. New York: The New York Life Foundation, 2009.

What is theological of death and dying?

What are the philosophical view of death
Chrstian praer for th dying
Philosophical Psychological and Spiritual perspectives on death and dying