Skills for Families, Skills for Life

Communication

Identifying Own Feelings

 Take a moment to think about what you are feeling.
 Consider the situation that is connected with your feeling.
 Determine how your body feels when you encounter the situation
(e.g., upset stomach, light-headed, tensed muscles, relaxed).

 Label the feeling with one word that best describes it

(e.g., anger, sadness, confusion, joy, excitement, happiness, surprise).

 List how your feelings change with different situations and experiences.
 Identify and label various feelings as they arise.
 Describe your feelings so others can understand them.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Active Listening
 Look at the person who is talking.
 Occasionally summarize what you understand the person has said.
 Ask if what you have summarized is accurate.
 Ask the person to explain if he or she uses a word or makes a
statement that is unclear.

 Wait until the person is done talking to respond or ask a question.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Expressing Feelings
 Explain to the person that you would like to talk about how you are feeling.
 Identify the feelings you want to talk about.
 Determine when you feel this way (e.g., think about the events that occur
before you experience these feelings).

 Remain calm.
 State your feelings by saying, “I feel … when happens.” Avoid starting
statements with, “You make me feel….”

 Take a deep breath to help you relax if the feelings become more intense.
 Thank the person for listening.
 Allow the other person to respond to your statement.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Asking Others for Opinions

 Explain the problem or situation to the other person.
 Ask if the person has any ideas or suggestions about your situation.
 Ask for clarification if you don’t understand the person’s opinion. Do not
argue or criticize any suggestions.

 Thank the person for sharing his or her opinion.

 Decide later whether or not to make changes based on the person’s opinions.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Apologizing
 Determine what you did wrong and who was affected by your behavior.
 Using a sincere voice, tell the other person you would like to apologize.
 Begin by saying, “I want to apologize for…” or “I’m sorry for….”
 Take responsibility for everything you did wrong. Do not make excuses or
give reasons for why you did what you did.

 Clearly state what you did.

 Explain that you will try to avoid making the same mistake again.
 If you took or damaged something, offer to replace or repair it.
 Follow through with your offer.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Being Assertive
 Decide what you want to say and to whom.
 Use a calm and neutral tone of voice.
 Clearly state your opinion, request, or disagreement.
 Take time to listen to the other person’s response.
 Acknowledge the other person’s viewpoint.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Making a Request
 Politely and calmly ask the person what you would like him or her to do.
 State the request in the form of a question (e.g., “Would you please…?”).
 Be specific about when and how the person can do what you are asking.
 If necessary, explain the reason for the request in two sentences or less.
 If your request is granted, thank the person.
 Be prepared to accept a “No” answer.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Giving an Instruction
 Politely and calmly tell the person what you would like him or her to do.
 Be specific and clear.
 Ask to make sure the person understands your instruction.
 Check to see if the person followed the instruction to your satisfaction.
 Thank the person for following your instruction.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Stating Expectations
 Decide what your expectations are. That is, what do you want to have happen?
 Clearly tell the person what you expect.
 Be specific about how the other person can meet your expectations. For
instance, clearly state what the person should do, when and how.

 Provide brief reasons (two sentences or less) for why you have set each
expectation.

 Answer any questions the person may have about your expectations.
 Write down the expectations to prevent confusion or arguments.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Saying “No”
 Decide if you want to say “No” to someone’s request and why.
 In a calm, clear, and firm voice, say “No.”
 If the person refuses to accept your “No” answer, leave the situation.
 If you choose to give a reason, briefly explain why you said “No”
(in two sentences or less).

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Correcting Another Person

 Identify the other person’s behaviors or actions you want to correct.
 Use a calm and pleasant voice tone.
 Begin with a positive statement (“I liked that you …”) or an empathy statement
(“I understand that it is hard to …”).

 Specifically describe the behaviors the person is using that you think should
be corrected.

 Briefly explain why the behavior should be corrected (in two sentences or less).
 Listen to the person’s response.
 Answer any questions the person may have about what he or she is doing.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Responding to Accusations
 Remain calm as the person is talking to you.
 Listen to everything the other person says.
 Let the person know that you understand what he or she is saying or that a
problem exists.

 Wait until the person is done talking before you respond.

 Answer the accusation truthfully by either admitting or denying the accusation.
 Determine if you need to work with the person to resolve a problem or if you
need to apologize.

 If necessary, make a plan for resolving the problem.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Ending an Argument
 Identify when you or the person you are talking to begins to argue.
Look for signs such as yelling, screaming, name-calling, interrupting, and
disagreeing with one another.

 Be aware of whether your feelings are becoming more intense and negative.
 Decide if you need to end the conversation or take a time-out.
 Tell the other person that you do not want to argue and would like to
discuss the issue at another time.

 If the other person wants to discuss the issue later, agree on a time after
everyone has had a chance to think and calm down.

 Stop talking and, if necessary, leave the room.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Preparing for a Discussion

 Think through what you may want to say.
 Write down the important information you want to remember to discuss.
 Make sure the issues you want to discuss are stated fairly.
 Practice assertively saying what you want to say.
 Think about how other people in the discussion might respond.
 Decide how you will respond to other people’s objections or concerns.
 If you begin to get nervous, practice relaxation techniques, such as
deep-breathing.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Negotiating
 Identify what issue(s) you disagree on.
 Offer to discuss the issue to work out a solution.
 Ask the person to explain his or her viewpoint about the issue.
 Calmly explain your viewpoint to the other person.
 Discuss possible compromises each of you would be willing to make.
 Together, choose the best compromise solution(s).
 Decide when and how the compromise will be implemented.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Writing a Contract
 Decide what conditions or requirements will be included in the contract.
Each person involved in the contract should have an equal number of
items so that the contract is balanced.

 Write the contract in the first person, using statements like, “I, John,
agree to….”

 Write the most difficult items in the contract first.

 Write each item in clear and specific terms in order to prevent confusion.
 Identify who is responsible for fulfilling each condition or requirement
in the contract.

 Include short time lines for completing the conditions or requirements.

 If including consequences or rewards in the contract, determine who will
deliver and receive them, and when.

 Include a specific time for when the contract will be reviewed and revised,
if necessary.

 Make sure everyone who is involved in the contract agrees to the terms
as they are written.

 Make any necessary revisions so that everyone agrees to the contract’s

conditions.

 Have everyone sign and date the contract.

 Give each person a copy of the contract or post it where everyone can see it.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Holding Family Meetings

 Schedule the meeting when all family members can attend.
 Sit in a room where everyone can be comfortable and feel included.
 Establish or review the rules for the meeting (take turns talking, don’t blame
others, parents have the final decision-making authority).

 Set a time limit for the meeting.

 List the issues that will be discussed.
 Limit the number of issues to be discussed.
 Take turns sharing ideas and opinions about each issue.
 Give everyone an opportunity to speak.
 If necessary, solve problems together.
 Plan activities or a new course of action to resolve any issues.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Showing Appreciation
 Identify what the other person has done that you appreciate.
 Thank the person in a sincere voice tone.
 Specifically describe what the person has done that you appreciate.
 Provide a brief reason for why you appreciate what the person did.
 Offer future help or favors in return.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Praising
 Determine what the person did that is worthy of recognition.
 Express your approval by making a simple praise statement like, “Great job!”,
“Super!”, or “Nice work!”

 Tell the person what he or she did well; be specific so the person will know
what you liked.

 Explain why what the person did was good and how it will help him or her
in the future.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Communication

Giving a Compliment
 Speak with a clear and enthusiastic voice.
 Tell the person specifically what you like about the person, his or her
behavior, or his or her project.

 Allow the person to respond to your compliment.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home