Defining Your Authentic Self

Are you living a liIe that is more in tune with your "authentic" selI (who you were created to be)
or your "Iictional" selI (who the world has told you to be)?

You probably weren't even aware that these versions oI your "selI" existed! Dr. Phil explains the
diIIerence between the authentic and Iictional selI:

Authentic Self

When you're asked, "Who are you?" what is your answer? "I'm a mom." "I'm a doctor." "I live in
Ohio." OIten the answer is not who you are, but what you do, what your social station is, or how
you see your Iunction in liIe. You can't answer who you are, because you don't know.

There is another level oI existence that is the real, true, genuine substance oI who you are. It's
what Dr. Phil deIines as the authentic selI.

The authentic selI is the you that can be Iound at your absolute core. It is the part oI you not
deIined by your job, Iunction or role. It is the composite oI all your skills, talents and wisdom. It
is all oI the things that are uniquely yours and need expression, rather than what you believe you
are supposed to be and do.

Fictional Self

When you're not living IaithIully to your authentic selI, you Iind yourselI Ieeling incomplete, as
iI there is a hole in your soul. You may have Iound that it's easier to Iill the roles your Iamily and
Iriends expect oI you, rather than becoming who you really want to be. Living this way drains
you oI the critical liIe energy you need to pursue the things you truly value.

When you live a liIe that has you ignoring your true giIts and talents while perIorming assigned
or inherited roles instead, you are living as your Iictional selI.

The Iictional selI sends you Ialse inIormation about who you are and what you should be doing
with your liIe. It blocks the inIormation you need in order to maintain the connection with your
authentic identity. Relying on inIormation Irom the Iictional selI means you're putting your trust
in a broken compass.
Take Responsibility for Your Life

O Define your payoffs, then cut them out. You're getting something Irom your behavior, or
else you wouldn't do it. Work on gaining conIidence 'low selI-esteem and pent up guilt gives
you an excuse to sit on the sidelines. It gives you an excuse to be less than you can be.
O ehave your way to success. Your past easily becomes your Iuture because what you Iear,
you create. II you Ieel deprived oI some experience, or emotion Irom some one else, give
yourselI emotional closure. Give yourselI what you didn't get Irom someone else 34. Create
what you want out oI liIe. II you want to be loved, be loveable. II you want to get your Iamily
interested in your liIe, get interested in their lives.
O You choose your behavior; you chose the consequences. You are an adult now and you
need to take responsibility Ior your actions. You can't blame your Iamily anymore. You are old
enough to do something about your Ieelings. Your Iamily can't take this on. The greatest stress in
liIe is to hold someone else accountable Ior something they can't control. The only person you
control is 4:.
O t all comes back to the life law statement, "You've got to name it before you can claim
it." II you are stuck in an unsatisIying liIe, ask yourselI what would make you happy? Write out
what you need to hear Irom your Iamily that you've never heard beIore. Be very speciIic. Give
your list to your Iamily. Ask them to read it, consider it and respond. Open your heart, put the
spirit oI criticism aside. Be ready to do the same Ior your Iamily.

Formula for Success


Do you have what it takes to get what you want?

The winners in liIe know the rules oI the game and have a plan.
Whether you want to begin a new career, shed pounds or Iind the
love oI your liIe, consider these characteristics which Dr. Phil
says are common to people who succeed.


Have a vision.
Champlons geL whaL Lhey wanL because Lhey know whaL Lhey wanL 1hey have a vlslon LhaL keeps Lhem
moLlvaLed and efflclenLly on Lrack 1hey see lL feel lL and experlence lL ln Lhelr mlnds and hearLs WhaL
ls success for you? ?ou wonL geL Lhere wlLhouL knowlng whaL lL feels and looks llke
Make a strategy.
eople who conslsLenLly wln have a clear and LhoughLful sLraLegy 1hey know whaL Lhey need Lo do and
when Lhey need Lo do lL 1hey wrlLe lL down so Lhey sLay on course and avold any alLernaLlve LhaL does
noL geL Lhem closer Lo Lhe flnlsh llne
Find a passion.
Are you exclLed Lo geL up ln Lhe mornlng? eople wlLh a passlon are and Lheyre energlzed abouL whaL
Lhey are dolng ?ou need Lo llve and breaLhe whaL lL ls LhaL you wanL and be passlonaLely lnvesLed ln
boLh Lhe [ourney and Lhe goal
Live tbe trutb.
eople who conslsLenLly wln have no room ln Lhelr llves for denlal fanLasy or flcLlon 1hey are self
crlLlcal raLher Lhan selfdeludlng and Lhey hold Lhemselves Lo hlgh buL reallsLlc sLandards 1hey deal
wlLh Lhe LruLh slnce Lhey recognlze LhaL noLhlng else wlll make Lhelr vlslon obLalnable
Be flexible.
Llfe ls noL a successonly [ourney Lven Lhe besLlald plans someLlmes musL be alLered and changed 8e
open Lo lnpuL and conslder any poLenLlally vlable alLernaLlve 8e wllllng Lo be wrong and be wllllng Lo
sLarL over
Take risks.
eople who conslsLenLly wln are wllllng Lo geL ouL of Lhelr comforL zone and Lry new Lhlngs 8e wllllng Lo
plunge lnLo Lhe unknown lf necessary and leave behlnd Lhe safe unchallenglng and famlllar exlsLence
ln order Lo have more
Create a strong nucleus.
Surround yourself wlLh a group of people who wanL you Lo succeed 1hey wlll move wlLh you Loward
your goal Choose and bond wlLh people who have skllls LalenLs and ablllLles LhaL you do noL Wlnners
glve and recelve by belng parL of oLher peoples nuclear groups
Take action.
uo lL! eople who succeed donL [usL slL and Lhlnk abouL whaL Lhey wanL Lo do 1hey Lake meanlngful
purposeful dlrecLlonal acLlon conslsLenLly and perslsLenLly Lvery sLep Lhey Lake puLs Lhem Loward Lhe
ouLcome Lheyre looklng for
Set priorities.
eople who are conslsLenL wlnners manage Lhelr challenges ln hlerarchlcal fashlon 1hey commlL Lo
managlng Lhelr Llme ln such a way LhaL does noL allow Lhem Lo keep grlndlng along on prlorlLy number
Lwo or Lhree lf prlorlLy number one needs Lhelr aLLenLlon
Take care of yourself.
eople who conslsLenLly wln are consclously commlLLed Lo selfmanagemenL 1hey are Lhe mosL
lmporLanL resource Lhey have ln achlevlng Lhelr goals 1hey acLlvely manage Lhelr menLal physlcal
emoLlonal and splrlLual healLh

Life Strategies
rlnLer lrlendly verslon of Lhls ArLlcle



Be on tbe Sbow
O -eed Pelp Speaklng up 1o Someone?
O Pavlng 1rouble wlLh Shared CusLody?
O Woman ln ConfllcL wlLh CLher Women?
O CanL move asL your asL?
O Pusband 1reaL ?ou Llke a Slave?
Living Authentically

8elng real wlLh yourself ls hard buL lL needs Lo be done lf youre golng Lo llve auLhenLlcally 8e honesL
know your paLLerns 8ecognlze your Lyplcal excuses raLlonallzaLlons and [usLlflcaLlons for fallure Look
ahead and see whlch excuses you are mosL llkely golng Lo rely on and wrlLe Lhem down ln a sLory
erhaps you could begln lL by wrlLlng AfLer readlng and sLudylng Lhls book l dld noL creaLe meanlngful
and lasLlng change because 8e creaLlve Lhorough and bruLally honesL when dolng Lhls exerclse 1hls
ls a LesL Lo see how wllllng you are Lo recognlze LhaL con [ob LhaL saboLages you lL ls a LesL Lo see lf you
can Lell lL llke lL ls or lf you wanL Lo [usL llve wlLh Lhe same old Llred excuses and be rlghL ln lnsLead of
happy

Are any of Lhe followlng excuses famlllar? uld some of Lhem geL on your llsL?
O lL was [usL Loo hard
O Pe doesnL really undersLand me
O 1haLs all for oLher people
O l couldnL focus because of Lhe klds and my [ob
O Pes [usL Loo harsh l need a genLle approach
O My problems are dlfferenL
O l need Lo read lL agaln
O unLll my spouse reads lL lm [usL splnnlng my wheels
O lm rlghL and hes wrong

Pelp yourself by evaluaLlng your llfe behavlor and Lhlnklng lnsLead of asklng wheLher Lhe way you are
llvlng behavlng and Lhlnklng ls rlghL ask wheLher Lhe way you are llvlng behavlng and Lhlnklng ls
worklng or noL worklng
Seven Steps to Reaching Your Goals

SuccessIully executing any personal strategic plan Ior change requires that as you develop your
plan, you eIIectively incorporate these seven steps Ior attaining each and every goal.

1. Express your goal in terms of specific events or behaviors.
For a dream to become a goal, it has to be speciIically deIined in terms oI operations, meaning
what will be done. When a goal is broken down into steps, it can be managed and pursued much
more directly. "Being happy," Ior example, is neither an event nor a behavior. When you set out
to identiIy a goal, deIine what you want in clear and speciIic terms.

2. Express your goal in terms that can be measured.
How else will you be able to determine your level oI progress, or even know when you have
successIully arrived where you wanted to be? For instance, how much money do you aspire to
make?

3. Assign a timeline to your goal.
Once you have determined precisely what it is you want, you must decide on a timeIrame Ior
having it. The deadline you've created Iosters a sense oI urgency or purpose, which in turn will
serve as an important motivator, and prevent inertia or procrastination.

4. Choose a goal you can control.
Unlike dreams, which allow you to Iantasize about events over which you have no control, goals
have to do with aspects oI your existence that you control and can thereIore manipulate. In
identiIying your goal, strive Ior what you can create, not Ior what you can't.

5. Plan and program a strategy that will get you to your goal.
Pursuing a goal seriously requires that you realistically assess the obstacles and resources
involved, and that you create a strategy Ior navigating that reality. Willpower is unreliable, Iickle
Iuel because it is based on your emotions. Your environment, your schedule and your
accountability must be programmed in such a way that all three support you long aIter an
emotional high is gone. LiIe is Iull oI temptations and opportunities to Iail. Those temptations
and opportunities compete with your more constructive and task-oriented behavior. Without
programming, you will Iind it much harder to stay the course.

6. Define your goal in terms of steps.
Major liIe changes don't just happen; they happen one step at a time. Steady progress, through
well-chosen, realistic, interval steps, produces results in the end. Know what those steps are
beIore you set out.

7. Create accountability for your progress toward your goal.
Without accountability, people are apt to con themselves. II you know precisely what you want,
when you want it and there are real consequences Ior not doing the assigned work you are
much more likely to continue in your pursuit oI your goal. Find someone in your circle oI Iamily
or Iriends to whom you can be accountable. Make periodic reports on your progress.
Take Responsibility for Your Life

O Define your payoffs, then cut them out. You're getting something Irom your behavior, or
else you wouldn't do it. Work on gaining conIidence"low selI-esteem and pent up guilt gives you
an excuse to sit on the sidelines. It gives you an excuse to be less than you can be.
O ehave your way to success. Your past easily becomes your Iuture because what you Iear,
you create. II you Ieel deprived oI some experience, or emotion Irom some one else, give
yourselI emotional closure. Give yourselI what you didn't get Irom someone else 34. Create
what you want out oI liIe. II you want to be loved, be loveable. II you want to get your Iamily
interested in your liIe, get interested in their lives.
O You choose your behavior; you chose the consequences. You are an adult now and you
need to take responsibility Ior your actions. You can't blame your Iamily anymore. You are old
enough to do something about your Ieelings. Your Iamily can't take this on. The greatest stress in
liIe is to hold someone else accountable Ior something they can't control. The only person you
control is 4:.
O t all comes back to the life law statement, "You've got to name it before you can claim
it." II you are stuck in an unsatisIying liIe, ask yourselI what would make you happy? Write out
what you need to hear Irom your Iamily that you've never heard beIore. Be very speciIic. Give
your list to your Iamily. Ask them to read it, consider it and respond. Open your heart, put the
spirit oI criticism aside. Be ready to do the same Ior your Iamily