April 2020

SETTING LIMITS
Why are limits important and how do I set them appropriately?

Why are limits

important?

Limits are important because

they make children feel safe
and protected. When children
know what to expect they feel
more secure.

Limits can be hard Some guidelines for setting limits

to set! with your child
It can be hard to see your child Language and Approach: Make choices and limits clear for your child by
upset, especially if it feels like using simple, straightforward language. Ensure that the consequence is
you are the cause of it. It may something that you can control. For example, if you give your child two
feel easier to give in and allow choices for breakfast and they end up unhappy with what they chose, do not
your child to change their mind make them something else. Let them know you made what they chose, and
or plan. However, as caregivers they can eat it later if they decide that they are hungry and are ready to eat. If
it’s our job to set limits and you choose to backtrack on the limit and make them something different for
teach children that it’s ok to breakfast your child will learn that you do not mean what you say. Similarly, if
feel upset. Feeling a range of you find yourself saying “I already told you…” in regards to a limit, you
emotions is part of life, and we probably aren’t following through on a limit you’ve already set.
can use their reactions to teach Expectations and limits need to be logical and age-appropriate, and
them coping skills. Some they should never be a surprise. Losing a bedtime book because they refused
preschoolers may want a hug to put on their shoes in the morning is not logical, and is too far removed
immediately after you set a from the moment. However, letting your child know that if they do not put
limit, while other children may on their shoes quickly they will not have time to play outside before getting in
choose space away from you the car is related to their actions, and immediate. It also allows them to make
to calm down. It is important to a choice while knowing what the consequence will be. Limits should change
acknowledge your own over time as your child’s language abilities and cognitive understanding grow.
feelings about setting limits Remind your child about expectations and give them transitional warnings,
and appropriately express to such as “two minutes” or a timer.
your child how you are feeling. When setting limits, get down on your child’s level so that you can
This will help your child look them in the eye while keeping a calm tone of voice. It is important to
understand adults can get take children’s reactions and experiences seriously. Something that may seem
frustrated too, why you might
be feeling this way, and model
appropriate ways to
communicate frustrations.

Boston University Children’s Center 1

 April 2020
like an overreaction to an adult can be significant for a young child. Don’t use
sarcasm with your child; preschoolers aren’t able to understand it and that will
make things more confusing for them.
It is also important when giving your child choices that you finish
the conversation with “you decide” or “you choose”. For example, if you gave
What can you expect to your child an option of two outfits to wear to school and they are refusing to
see when first starting pick, tell your child “you can choose which outfit to wear, or I am going to
to set limits? choose. You decide”. That puts ownership back on your child to make an
appropriate choice.
Limits will be more challenging in
the beginning while they are new
for you and your child. Know that Calming Down: When your child becomes upset because a limit was set, it
it will get harder before it gets is important to empathize and validate your child’s feelings, even if they don’t
easier. You will get over the make sense to you. Children might calm down when parents simply label their
hump! It can be mentally and feelings for them or describe what is happening. When children feel that they
physically exhausting to set limits, have been heard and understood they are more likely to calm down because
so when possible, support other they won’t feel the need to express their distress by screaming or crying.
caregivers by taking turns and Encourage your child to take as much time to calm down as they
offering breaks as needed. It’s need, either with you or independently. Try creating a calm down space with
important to stay clear and your child in your home. This space can be the couch, a corner of their room,
consistent about your or even in a cardboard box. It should be a comfortable space that includes
expectations for your child. some of their favorite things, such as stuffed animals, books and quiet toys.
Your child needs to help you create this space and choose which items to
What can you do before
include. When the space is first created you may need to guide your child
needing to set a limit? there, but the hope is that eventually they will learn to independently seek it
out when they are feeling frustrated or upset. The space should never be used
Reinforce appropriate behavior
as a punishment or time-out space. While they are calming down, you can
and use positive language. Your
take this time to regroup before having a follow-up conversation with them.
child wants your attention, and if
you acknowledge when they Consistency: It is important to remain as consistent as possible when it
make appropriate choices, they
comes to setting limits. Have a conversation with partners and other
are more likely to repeat these
caregivers in your child’s life to make sure you know what everyone’s
behaviors. When possible, give
expectations are, and how they are communicated. All caregivers should set
your child choices and control.
appropriate limits consistently. Otherwise, your child will quickly learn which
These choices should always lead
adults in their lives will set limits and which ones won’t.
your child to your final goal. For
example, if it is almost time for Additional Resources on Limit Setting:
your child to clean up their toys
before dinner, you can ask them https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/i-dont-
“Do you want to clean up your like-the-choices-youre-choicing-me-how-
blocks first, or your cars? You can to-set-enforceable-loving-limits
choose.” That puts the power in
their hands about how they can https://childmind.org/article/what-not-to-
do-when-your-child-is-having-a-tantrum/
choose to clean-up but still ends
with them cleaning-up. It’s also http://www.pbs.org/wholechild/parents/
important to pick your battles. building.html
Decide what really matters to you
https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/
and consider if enforcing certain structure/index.html
“rules” is going to create more of
a problem than it’s worth.
Boston University Children’s Center 2