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Apologizing Effectively
Communication Despite best intentions, people violate other people’s expectations, breach promises
and commitments, and communicate in deceptive ways. In other words, people willingly
Exercise or unwillingly hurt others from time to time. Apologies are often considered effective
5 min tools to restore the possible damage in trust that can occur as a result of these actions
(Tomlinson, Dineen, & Lewicki, 2004). In many cases, apologizing is an essential step
Client
towards forgiveness and reconciliation.
Yes
Indeed, research has shown that an apology can be effective because expressing appropriate
words shows that the violator understands that some events that have occurred damaged
trust (see Fehr, Gelfand, & Nag, 2010, for a review) and that the issue must be addressed.
An important question in this respect concerns the effectiveness of an apology. How can
we apologize effectively? A study by Lewicki, Polin, and Lount (2016) investigated whether
certain components of an apology were perceived as more critical for the apology to be
perceived as effective. Apologies for a trust violation were perceived as more effective
when they contained a greater number of the following components: an acknowledgment
of responsibility, an explanation of what went wrong, an expression of regret, an offer
of repair, a declaration of repentance, and a request for forgiveness. Interestingly, the
results also showed that while including more components is better, some components
are more important than others. An acknowledgment of responsibility and an offer of
repair were considered the most important components, while a request for forgiveness
was considered the least important. This tool was designed to offer clients a structural
approach to effectively apologize for their wrongdoings.
Goal
The goal of this exercise is to help clients formulate an effective apology. The elements
described in this exercise are likely to assist with communicating an effective apology
because they satisfy the psychological needs of the offended person.
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Advice
■ Clients who struggle to make apologies may benefit from practicing with their
practitioner before making the apology. The practitioner may take the role of the
victim and provide feedback on the nature and perceived effectiveness of the apology.
■ Clients may choose to offer the apology directly in a face-to-face conversation or in a
written form. Both types have their own benefits and downsides. On the positive side,
a written form gives an individual time to reflect on all the elements of an effective
apology. On the negative side, a written apology may seem more “avoidant” and may
be subject to misinterpretation because important non-written information (tone of
voice, facial expressions, etc.) is absent.
■ For some clients, expressing remorse (Step 3) can be very challenging because it involves
acknowledging disappointment in oneself. Therefore, clients must overcome his/her
fear of showing vulnerability. It can be helpful for a client to practice putting himself/
herself in the victim’s shoes to better understand his/her perspective (empathy) and
then looking into the victim’s eyes when delivering the apology. What would you like
to hear if you were hurt this way? Can you understand that sharing these feelings may
help restore the bond between the two of you? In this way, the importance of showing
vulnerability can become more obvious.
References
■ Fehr, R., Gelfand, M. J., & Nag, M. (2010). The road to forgiveness: A meta-analytic
synthesis of its situational and dispositional correlates. Psychological Bulletin, 136,
894-914.
■ Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B., & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of
effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9, 177-196.
■ Tomlinson, E., Dineen, B., & Lewicki, R. J. (2004). The road to reconciliation:
Antecedents of victim willingness to reconcile following a broken promise. Journal
of Management, 30, 165-187.
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PositivePsychology.com | Positive Psychology Toolkit
Apologizing Effectively
Instructions
Step 1: Acknowledging
Acknowledge the offense and take responsibility. Show the other person that you recognize:
■ who was responsible
“I’m sorry, I made a mistake” (using the pronoun “I” is important here)
■ who was harmed
“I realize that I hurt you...”
■ the nature of the offense
“... by making that insensitive joke.”
Note that this is in sharp contrast with the way apologies are often made:
■ failing to allocate responsibility
“Yes, mistakes were made.”
■ vague statements about who was hurt
“I see that some people may feel offended.”
■ failing to acknowledge the specific offense
“... by whatever I said”
Step 2: Providing an explanation
Provide an explanation for the offense, which makes it clear that:
■ it was not your intention to hurt the other person
“It was never my intention to hurt you and make you feel this way.”
■ it will not happen again
“I will do everything to not let this happen again.”
It is important to note that explanations should not sound like excuses (“I was really busy and had a tough
day at my work”). Many excuses come across as shallow defenses, and they can be counterproductive.
Moreover, explanations should not sound like attempts to blame the victim (“I just could no longer stand the
way you were acting”).
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Step 3: Expressing remorse
When hurting someone, it is common to feel shame, embarrassment, regret, humiliation, or remorse. By
expressing these feelings, you communicate to the victim that you recognize your mistake and the suffering
it caused (“I feel really bad about what happened. For days, I have felt embarrassed about how I let you
down.”).
Step 4: Making amends
An effective apology reflects an effort to repair the damage done. It is important to first ask the offended
person what a possible reparation may look like before engaging in actions to restore the relationship or
to alleviate personal feelings of guilt. Reparation of damage may include compensation for lost resources
(financial) or behavioral actions (e.g., being more honest).
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