FIRST INITIATE.

Dedications:

I dedicate this memoir to my loving Mother, A.G, A.I and J.D.K.

Preface:

“He who does not understand should either learn or stay silent.”

-John Dee

Before you begin, I would like to thank you, the reader for taking interest in my small booklet

of poems and personal reflections. This is the first of seven other projects that I will hopefully

be sharing in the future. Also, this is NOT a self-help book, I simply poured some of my

thoughts and feelings inside of a few pages. Please do not read if you believe you get

provoked easily or don’t have an open mind. Almost every poem in this booklet is filled with

metaphorical references that carry dark, eerie and profound messages that may help you find

some of the answers you’ve been seeking.

I hope you find comfort in my words, as well as some kind of connection with what it is

written here. I hope you will be able to develop an alternative perspective of yourself and of

life after reading every piece I left in this booklet. I suggest taking your time while reading, I

suggest you re-read again and again and again while forming different interpretations with

each reading.
Treachery of a Goddess

I lost my smile.

Where is my mirth?

O Laughter, you revile

Is she blind to my worth?

Another dawn, another birth

My light is gone, deep in the dirt.

Ouroboros

Lone I trudge.

Killed I have.

Myself once more

Shed my skin.

Birthed anew.

Who am I…who are you?

Echoes from a child.

I never had any bad intentions towards anyone. I was never familiar with envy or jealousy. I

made mistakes out of a search for love, there was anger and agony engraved deep inside of

me and I just wanted to be heard and recognized. But what do you expect from a child with

no sense of emotional intelligence yet?

I wanted to be known as someone with a heart that’s good, not an individual that’s constantly

misunderstood. I share too much, I’m there too much, I found myself ending up around

people who didn’t care too much.

My insatiable desire for knowledge and evolution led me to going through a never-ending

cycle of intense transformation and this affected the people around me. I was seldom

recognized by others. My energy is constantly shifting from high to higher.

Blessed are those who take on the risk of forever enlightening themselves and seeking a

higher state of being, but cursed are they as well for they will never find a place for them

amongst “normal “people.

Poison Tree

Peace is when I’m mute.

Relief is when I’m raging.

Nagging thoughts of dying young.

I don’t really feel like aging.

What else is there to gain?

Will I truly forget this pain?

Even if I heal?

Even if I heal?
Let me paint my nails black.

A frown is covered with a smile.

Jealousy is masked with words of flattery.

The truth today can be a lie tomorrow.

Years of friendship can end in a moment.

Yesterday it was all about love and kindness yet right now you wish you never met them.

That friend you were planning on growing old with, just killed themselves.

There’s a helpless victim getting raped by their “partner” as you’re reading this.

If I could choose a perfect friend, it would be the Devil. Unlike humans, the Devil is true to

himself, he never changed, and he never will. Satan is Hell-bent on delivering his one

promise no matter how much time humanity has before the day of Judgment. Now, have you

ever met someone with the same assured loyalty as Satan?

I’d rather be friends with God’s worst creation than to be friends with humans.
Trojan Horse.

True colours are shown during adversity.

Don’t let their comfort fool you.

How will you treat me when you’re carrying weight on your shoulders?

What words will you use when the flames of anger are burning inside you?

Will you lend me your hand when I’m weak?

Or will you let Pride make your demons speak?

Will I find an ear when I say things, I want you to hear?

Or will you show me that you’re far When I thought you were near?

Am I to be remembered when you make new friends?

Or is this the point where our friendship ends?

Fuck you.
Look at my broken mirror.

I have love for myself.

but I’d rather be loved.

I don’t want approval or validation.

Do you guys like me?

I choose to walk alone I don’t like any of you.

Mother, how come I don’t have a lot of friends?

Let’s get married.

Ill slit your throat

I’m an immortal being I’ll be everyone’s role model.

Mother, my will is weak.

I know what I’m capable of doing, I know I’m far ahead.

am i good enough?

Mother, my will is weak.

I’m focused.

but my thoughts are distorted.

Mother, my will is weak.

Soul starved.

The more i gave the less i received. In my life, I noticed that people are overindulgent by

nature, without giving anything in return. Am I the type of man to do things to get benefits?

There are no fruits to bear. The answer is no but caring and giving without getting anything in

return left me drained, angry and embarrassed. Reciprocity makes caring feel good, and quite

frankly I’ve seldom experienced this thus far.

I’m always there whenever a friend needs to call, I’m the one who gives advice, I’m the one

who’s always equally dividing his attention upon others. Embarrassingly enough, I don’t feel

fulfilled, and I don’t feel appreciated.

I tried giving everyone “the benefit of the doubt”, but honestly there was nothing much to it. I

tried considering the wide assortment of love languages, I tried considering the fact that some

might be going through their own issues but in the end, I learned that people are just selfish,

ungrateful and greedy. This doesn’t mean I’m going to allow the world to turn my heart cold

and stiff. I’ll just give less, and start making my energy worth “earning”.

I don’t know, it’s currently 00:14 and there’s a high probability that I’m just “in my feelings”

and the situation is not as grave as it seems at the moment.

Cottonmouth

The fuck makes you think I trust you?

Words are easier than actions.

What you promise doesn’t mean jack shit to me.

You can say whatever you want.

Just don’t fold when it’s time to own up.

Disappointment is predestined.

I’ve lost my expectations.

Why should I even have standards?

You trip on the bar even when it’s lowered to the ground.
Being the bigger person will make you small.

I’m extremely forgiving and I’m not sure if this will make me easier to deal with or easier to
break.
J

Why forgive myself?

If you can’t forgive me?

I don’t matter.

I could care less.

I’d pick my grave over my bed.

If I’m going to sleep alone.

One pill is fine, thank you :)

The pain I bear cannot be explained, my emotions are directly affecting my physical health. I

feel a sharp pinch in my sternum, my stomach hurts and my head feel light. I feel like this

most of the time. Am I depressed? (I am just sad) Absolutely not, my current state of

consciousness is a bit too recondite. I’m in between two worlds: I understand that what I

think and feel ultimately determine my circumstances in this lifetime, and the other being that

I’m not 100% recovered from my old limiting beliefs and mental habits.

So, it’s like with every 4 steps forward, I always take 2 backwards. This won’t be my reality

for long. But it is taking a heavy toll on me now, I face new challenges with each rebirth

which is quite fun but extremely painful at the same time.

I’m a very emotional person meaning all my feelings are displayed with amplification. I’m

not “bad” at showing certain emotions, and all the emotions I experience tend to be intense.

There is no spectrum it’s either I’m not fully experiencing a feeling, or I am FULLY

experiencing it. I feel anger and resentment a lot of the time. I feel mad at things, people and

just life in general. I tend to have a resting bitch face and I curse a-lot, even though I am

working on replacing this habit with something better.

My mother says I should smile more, that I have a pretty smile. I just need a reason to smile

more first.
D

I will kill for you.

because when I get thrown in Hell.

I know you’ll plead to God.

that he sends me to Heaven

to be with you.
K

Unlike the Sun

I can look into you.

Watch you shine bright.

Lighting up my eyes.

Ever so softly.

Unlike the Sun.

You’re just like the Moon.

A message to someone that’s dear to me.

You taught me aggression.

Heartbreaks taught me my lesson.

You taught me violence.

My friends left me in silence.

You put me under pressure.

I spent years longing for airs that were fresher.

We never spoke, you were never there.

So, I formed the habit to always overshare.

You’re only a stranger to me,

You’re but a man of danger to me,

I hated myself I considered celibacy.

Imagine your fucking caretaker putting you through therapy.

Happiness is when I wasn’t around family.

Relicta sum.

Once again.

Chest feels tight.

And once again.

Head feels twice as heavy.

I’m short on breath.

Once again.

I see black.

frowning feels better than smiling.

I don’t want to talk.

Oh to be alone.

To abandon me with no guilt.

Oh to be alone.

Once again.
A false Baphomet.

A martyr of my ego.

Fearmonger is the head.

Foxtrot with the Devil.

My blood is black.

And yours is red.

Watch me ruin this kid.

Look at me.

Watch me ruin this kid.

A heavy heart hinders my slumber.

Vision so dull

Look at my veins.

They’re turning purple.

A tear caused by each.

By every traitor

By every cheater

By every liar

Hang them by the Achilles.

On a rusty flagpole.

The slower his death.

The bigger my smile.

Do you want the rope or the crucifix?

Can you rewind the years?

Look at my veins.

They’re turning purple.

My “Other”

I spent a long time pondering on trying to find who this "other" is to me and I have had quite

some difficulty acquiring a match for this concept, however I found my answer through a

very ironic loop at the end. Most of the the last nineteen years of my life were spent in

complete isolation, I grew up having two extremely close friends by my side till this day and

nothing has ever changed throughout this lifetime of mine so far regarding this matter.

Isolation to me was not entirely physical, it was leaning more towards my internal world. I

see life through the scope of a tourist, I feel dissociated and disconnected from this perceived

reality that you and everyone else experiences. This feeling inside me has been playing the

role of this visitor that never leaves, so much so that I believe it is a part of my consciousness.

My mother even told me many times before that as a child I was always in a state of Nirvana:

not thinking, not desiring anything and immune to all kinds of external influences.

This is what it looked like to her, and she was not wrong.

I was never fortunate enough to connect with other people, maybe only one or two at best.

This is because I am living life through a third person perspective and not first. I see things

for how they are in their innate Substantial Reality, no biased views, and no taught beliefs

about anything, I see everything I interact with as neutral or simply as a part of "existence".
This is why I either look like I have a resting poker face, or I am simply zoning out, I am

struggling to savour life the way others do, it takes conscious effort to be "in the moment." I

am very mindful, but I am lacking any stimuli, hence why I feel numb. On top of this, I am a

very sensitive individual meaning I have the intrinsic ability to physically sense what others

feel on the inside. Think of it as empathy manifested in its physical form rather than mental

or emotional. This can serve me in being able to determine whether a person is kind-hearted,

hurting, envious, empty and anything else of that nature... Moreover, I have not been able to

get a grip over this "feature" of mine and it leaves me physically drained and mentally

overstimulated. This is also why I do not enjoy being in public spaces a lot of the time

because I get energetically disrupted by everyone and everything around me.

I was taught meditation by my mother growing up so I can learn to focus my attention on

every present moment I live to avoid feeling under stimulated and overwhelmed and this is

EXACTLY how I found my "other". It is not a place, not person, not a country or a group of

people. My "other" is both nothing and everything at the same time, it is reality, it is

everything I experience here, it is anything that touches my senses. I feel alienated from

reality, like a traveller visiting a foreign land, exposed to a foreign civilization. I am aware

that I am no different from anyone and that every person has their own experience in life but

at least from what I see, people everywhere around me are connected to each other, attached

to this dimension, and fully submerged in their awareness. I still do not feel like I am used to

everything around me, every day feels like a new experience with all. of its tiny events that
may be irrelevant to most such as eating, walking, listening to music and having

conversations. In other words, this human experience feels new to me during every single day

of my life. I either feel completely out of touch with my surroundings or I feel like I am doing

things for the first time with every repetition.

I try to vary my approach towards the "other" in my life without changing my true self. I do

not hate the fact that I feel out of touch or alienated most of the time. It does not bother me

actually nor does it affect the way I behave and treat others, it is not much of a

counterproductive problem for me, I do enjoy my own company, I do not like to interact with

others because people rarely touch my soul or peak my interest, however I do enjoy a small

conversation with a stranger from time to time. My perspective towards the "other" changed a

lot throughout my life, it first started as me feeling like a victim of it at first, it felt like it was

happening to me, and I felt like I had little to no control over it. As the years went by, I was

able to deliberately shift my attention from one thing to another, so I do not get this intense

feeling of dissociation and I started accepting it more whenever it happened. Nowadays

whenever I feel numb or disconnect, I have the will to surrender to it or control my focus on

something. I no longer feel disturbed by it, I am in a stage of mastery over my mind and

emotions. Whenever I have free time, I use my energy in creative activities such as writing

poetry, sketching on paper, painting, or creating music on my laptop. The only time I get to

know what it feels like to be submerged in the present while enjoying its fruitfulness is when

I am engaging in arts. Arts allow me to tap into a focused state of mind while completely
letting go of it at the same time. It is the perfect mix for me to be able to find peace and take a

break from the burdens that weigh on my shoulders.

In conclusion, the journey to discovering my "other" has been one filled with introspection,

realization, and acceptance. Through years of contemplation and self-exploration, I've come

to understand that my perception of reality is unique, shaped by a sense of dissociation and

sensitivity to the world around me. While many may find solace and connection in the shared

experiences of life, I have often felt like an outsider, observing existence from a distance.

Growing up in isolation, both internally and externally, has presented its challenges.

However, through the teachings of meditation passed down by my mother, I have learned to

navigate this sense of detachment and find solace in the present moment. Amid feeling

disconnected, I have found my "other" not as a separate entity but as the very fabric of reality

itself.

In the end, my "other" is not something to be feared or avoided but embraced as an integral

part of who I am. Through acceptance and self-discovery, I have found peace within myself

and the world around me, learning to approach each moment with a newfound appreciation

for the richness of life.

ESSENCE

Show me your teeth.

Bruise my face.

Copulate under the moonlight.

Feel my fangs break your skin.

As I savour the gores you shed.

Tying souls feels good I know.

Can you feel the attachment?

Does it hurt when I leave?

Grab me by the horns.

Take me where you please,

My dear Lilith.
Under a shoe

“Be the bigger person”.

Did it for so long.

I feel small.

Vexed by my patience.

I feel small.

My ego is outgrowing.

Outgrowing my own body.

Tomorrow’s not promised.

Pay heed.

Don’t give the benefit.,

Benefit of the doubt.

Break your silence,

then break them.

Heyokha

With pain comes evolution

Repetition creates immunity.

Unclench your jaw.

Loosen your grip.

Walk not the plank but run it.

Dive into the raging waters.

Shout for the monsters below.

Orgy at the crossroads

Spirits inside of me

Causing an endless ruck

Currents of monologues

I no longer give a….

One second late

Savor I

The fruit you bear.

Took a bite of your Apple.

Mouth full of glochids.

Speak I can’t.

My knees feel weak.

This is what I get.

For taking the hands,

the hands of Temptations.

Shackles from the abode of the dead

Enter the rough house,

Riot rebel.

Ruckus and ruck

I’m diving in Hell.

Freedom in anarchy,

found in disorder.

Collectively we’ll march,

and jump off a building.

Unlit souls.

They’ll judge what they don’t know.

Quick to label what’s foreign.

Insecure about what’s theirs.

Bash what’s not.

Primal in their emotions.

Primitive in their behaviour.

Iron Trunk

Praise thyself.

Inner Rigveda.

Desire not,

but rather summon.

Weakness repels.

Firmness compels.
Red Thorned Rose.

Age will gently dismantle.

Time will slowly poison.

Like a Red Thorned Rose,

Your petals will fall,

And you’ll hurt

those who hold on to you.

Like a Red Thorned Rose,

Your abscission awaits.

Qareen.

My music taste is silence.

Stay quiet.

Don’t turn the light on,

Keep it dark.

Keep it dim,

Please don’t interrupt.

I’m spending time with him.

White shirt.

I’d rather break,

than to preserve my peace.

Why is it so hard to find?

Why is it easier to cry?

One bad memory

Stains the good ones.

Why is it so hard,

to stay positive?

I’d rather break,

than to preserve my peace.

33.