Game Credits

Design: Designer X
Editing: James Wallis
Art: Clint Langley
Playtesting: Surely you jest

Published by Hogshead Publishing Ltd,

18-20 Bremen's Road, London SW4 0BG
www.hogshead.demon.co.uk

ISBN 1-899749-21-7
Stock code HP402
987654321

© Copyright 1999 by oh damn, I'd have to give my name, very well then, by Hogshead Publishing Limited. Trademark applied for.
, all characters, and related indicia are trademarks of Hogshead Publishing Limited. All other trademarks
used herein, including but not limited to D&D, AD&D, Paranoia, Metal Gear Solid, Quake and Tomb Raider, are used without
permission, remain the property of their respective owners, and no challenge to their ownership or status is intended by their
use in this work. No part of this product may be reproduced by any means, including via photocopy, mimeography (how retro),
installation on a World Wide Web server, or telepathic transmission without the specific permission, in blood, on parchment,
sent by registered mail, return receipt requested, of the copyright owners. I wish I could figure out how to patent the damn
thing—wait a minute, I bet my experience point system, I mean, the Experience Point System™ is patentable—have
to talk to a lawyer about that. Any violation of copyright, trademark, or patent will be punished at the utmost extremity of the
law—which in, say, Texas, can be pretty damn extreme, let me tell you. And you'd better put a little ™ after the name every time
you use it, or we'll whine a great deal. Any resemblance between characters and situations in this work and persons living or
dead are incredibly coincidental. By breaking the shrink-wrap on this book, or even opening it momentarily if it isn't shrink-
wrapped, you agree to everything contained in this notice and anything we care to tack on in our idle imaginations at any
future time, and it shall inure and be binding upon your heirs, assigns, relatives, and persons sharing 98% or more of your DNA
(which includes basically any hominid from the chimpanzees on up, so take care). No warranties as to the usefulness, safety,
intelligence, intelligibility, or functionality of this work shall be assumed or implied. Basically, this product doesn't work,
never did, and we aren't responsible for anything. This product may have been tested on harmless, furry, adorable little
animals. It may drive its users into an extreme psychotic frenzy and induce them to mutder dozens of children in a maniacal
rampage sure to hit the evening news. Its manufacture may have involved the deforestation of tropical nations, the release of
toxins into the ecosystem, and the accidental death of dolphins. Okay, we're kidding about the dolphins. We think. The
manufacturer and designer specifically state that they accept no responsibility for acts of violence, mayhem, or mass murder
that may or may not be committed by players or purchasers of this game. This product may be dangerous to your mental health.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Welcome to
You Degraded Turd
After many years of laboring in the vineyards of game
design, holding aloft the Platonic ideal of what the Ars
Ludorum can achieve, and working for the time when game
design shall achieve its place among the pantheon of
Muses—that fabled 21st-century day when games shall
be universally acknowledged as the premier form of the
age, as the 20th century acknowledged film and the
19th century the novel—I have come to an unutterably
grim and depressing realization.
You puerile adolescent- and post-adolescent scum don't
give a tinker's cuss. Berg was right, when he told me, lo
these many years ago, that there's no point in trying to
write a good set of rules because you idiots can't tell the
difference between a good set and a bad set anyway.
Actually, one is better off writing a bad set of rules, be-
cause it will take you lot longer to figure out that the game
itself is an unutterable gobbler.
Dunnigan had the industry dead to rights when he said
that games that sold were always about NATO, Nukes, or
Nazis. Or rather, he was wrong only because he was talking
about wargaming; the basic sensibility remains.
Games are about violence. Oh, not Go, say, or Bridge,
but the kind of games that fly in the dog's vomit we gaily call
the Gaming Industry. From D&D® to Mortal Kombat® to
Quake® to Metal Gear Solid®; from the electronically-
roaring arcade to the blaring TV speakers of the console
gamer, from the tabletops of FRP to the snow-draped
forests of paint-ball, from the hooligan-crowded stadiums
of English football to the smash-ups of NASCAR racing,
from the PKers of online gaming to the hyperkinetic
spasms of real-time strategy, it's what really cleans your
clock, isn't it? What gets your blood moving? What elicits
voyeuristic glee? The spray of blood, the intestines spill-
ing spaghetti-like onto the ground, the coarse death-rattle
of your foes.
You're all a bunch of perverted little Attilas, without the
guts to pull a knife or shoot down that son of a bitch across
the hall in reality. And so you get your jollies through 'inter-
action,' the simulation of what you long to do but haven't
the cojones.
Am I right? Or am I right? Enough with this high-falutin'
crap about playing a role or telling a story. Enough with the
demands of strategy, the pitting of mind-to-mind, the mod-
elling of reality. There's no future in that, is there?
No, let's get down in the muck and wallow with the pigs.
Away, sweet Muse; what profits me your inspiration? I see
it clearly now; the route to success lies through the charnel
house. Henceforth, I listen to other voices.
Here, vile reader, you shall find what you desire. Vio-
lence of the most degraded kind. Suppurating wounds,
whimpering innocents pleading vainly for mercy, torture
and rapine and cannibalism. Reality in its rawest and most
repulsive form. Here, you will find the tools you need to
sate your blood lust....
Are you nauseated yet?

As Yoda says... You will be.

What Is ? down on your head! No, you must purchase the
Character Sheet Pack™ from Hogshead for the
is a lot like Dungeons & Dragons® by that other very reasonable price of, oh, ten or twelve times what it
company. You and your friends play characters in an imagi- costs us to print them, we'll figure it out later.
nary world. You wander about a maze, kicking down doors, 5. You will need some pencils. At some future time, you will
killing whatever you find on the other side, and taking its need pencils, and no substitutes will be per-
possessions. The main difference is this: The world isn't missible, but we haven't found a licensee for the pencil
some third-rate fantasy writer's drivel about elves and rights yet.
dwarves and magic spells, but the world of today. The doors 6. A variety of salty and sugary snacks, accompanied by
you kick down aren't those of a subterranean dungeon- fattening dips, plus high-calorie sodas and/or beer. Ac-
unless you're in the subway—but those of decent, honest, tually, you'd be much better off avoiding snacks between
hard-working people who merely want to live their lives. meals and spending thirty minutes a day in intensive
The things you kill aren't cardboard "monsters" whom the aerobic exercise, but I mean, you're a bloody gamer, so 1
game defines as okay to kill because, well, they're mon- guess that's a lost cause.
sters—but fellow human beings, with families and friends 7. Finally, and most importantly: You will need an imagina-
and hopes and fears and highly developed senses of moral- tion!
ity—far better people than you, in fact. And the things you Oh, damn. I knew something was missing.
steal aren't "magic items" and "gold pieces" but stereos,
computers, jewellery, and whatever other items of value
you can lift. Character Creation
Indeed, you yourself are a monster: a monster in the Gad, I'm actually going to have to write this drivel? I prom-
true sense, not the 'fantasy' one. You are a degraded, blood- ised the wretched swine a game, 1 suppose 1 must deliver.
thirsty savage, the product of the savage streets, a Jeffrey Let's see. What's the easiest, dumbest system I can possi-
Dahmer, a droog, a character out of Brett Easton Ellis. You bly get away with? I mean, there's no point actually spend-
delight in pain and blood and mayhem. You won't live long, ing any time working on this crap... Ah, yes, of course.
1 promise you, but you'll leave a trail of mangled corpses in Right.
your wake. Here's how you create a character:

What Is a Roleplaying Game? 1. Take a character sheet. There's one at the back of the
Brother, if you don't know, this is not the place to start. rules you can photocopy. Or maybe there is, I mean, I haven't
done it yet; possibly I'll get around to it. Actually, you needn't
bother, if you don't want. Christ almighty, man, isn't scratch
What You Need to Play paper good enough for you?
Here's what you need to play
1. This book. 2. Write a name at the top of the sheet. It almost doesn't
2. Each and every accessory and follow-on matter what. Character X, jake by me; I mean, we're not
product, plus all logo products, including looking for depth of characterization here. Or choose some
but not limited to t-shirts, faux ridiculous, self-aggrandizing name; Mack the Knife. Lord
vomit and blood packets, miniatures and Magenta. Judy the Ripper. Something the tabloids can run
paint sets, CDs and tapes, "collect- in 72 point type when the SWAT team finally guns you down.
ible cards, POGs and action figures, Cops Get Mackie. 41 Bullets Found in Corpse of Famous Mass-
blood-colored soda pop, and salty Murderer.
snacks, all purchased at full retail price, preferably by
mail order directly from the publisher, Hogshead Pub- 3. Choose a gender. In reality, scum like you are almost
lishing Ltd, 18-20 Bremen's Road, London SW4 0BG, always male, but go ahead, play a female character. One
Great Britain. Oh, we suppose you can actually play with big boobs, no doubt. Female characters popular among
without all this crap, but please be assured, your en- male players almost always have big boobs. If you don't
joyment will be infinitely improved by sending us ev- believe me, go play Tomb Raider. Or Trespasser; have you
ery penny, pfennig, or lira you possess. looked at that one? Your life meter is a tattoo on your left
3. You will need some logo dice, which differ tit, to check to see how close you are to dying you have to
from normal dice by the presence of the logo look down at your cleavage. Talk about puerile, degrading
and their substantially higher price. We have used six-, game design... But I digress. We're embracing puerile, de-
eight-, ten-, twelve- and twenty-sided dice with gay aban- grading game design here. Choose a gender. How fucking
don throughout the rules to ensure that you purchase difficult can that be? Flip a coin, if you can't decide.
the complete dice set, and also because we You mean you're a female player? Christ almighty, why
can't be bothered to standardize. If it was good enough do you want to play this game? For the love of God, find
for Gygax, it's good enough for me. something decent to play. And ditch the assholes who got
4. You will need some character sheets. You can photo- you into this; there have to be better gaming groups out
copy the one at the back of this book. No! I take it back! there.
Permission to photocopy the character sheet at the back
of this book is specifically denied! Doing so is a copy- 4. Okay, name and gender. With me so far? Right. Now we
right violation, and will bring the wrath of our lawyers need characteristics. Roll 3D6. You know, the little cubes
with the dots on them? They're called dice. Yes, that's gamemaster watches, address to Designer X, c/o Hogs-
right, you remember, very good. Dice, good boy, have a head Publishing Ltd, 18-20 Bromell's Road, London SW4
potato chip. Take three of them. You can count to three, 0BG, Great Britain. You must then stamp the envelope
can't you? Roll them, add up the little spots on the sides and take it out and mail it immediately. And don't you
that face upward. If you can't add, just count them, start- dare open my fan mail, Wallis, you scoundrel.2
ing from 1. + 1 if you agree to map.
Okay, write the number you rolled on your character +3 if you agree that you must speak in a falsetto, with a lisp,
sheet next to your first characteristic. Damn, now 1 have to or in some other embarrassing fashion while playing
figure out what the characteristics are. No point in most of , so long as you continue playing this charac-
the D&D crap, let's see. Hmm. ter. Or how about this one: You agree to maintain a ratio
between non-obscenities and obscenities of no less than
Strength: A measure of how strong you are. Three means three to one, that is, one out of every three words used
you have trouble carrying the groceries home. Eighteen while speaking as your character must be an obscenity.
means you can lift the front end of a truck. Well, a small Like "Fuck you, you fucking pussy-whipped shithead"
truck. All right, a Sport Utility Vehicle. The use of an obscenity as an infix transforms the
Threshold of Pain: Affects how much pain you can take modified word into an obscenity for the purpose of this
before you start whimpering and agreeing to do whatever rule, e.g., "in-fuckin-credible" is treated as an obscenity.
they ask, or pass out. Three means a slap will do it. Eighteen +3 if you agree that your character has a severe addiction
means they'll have to flay most of the flesh off your legs to a dangerous, illegal drug such as crack, heroin, or
first. With tent pegs. angeldust.
Constitution: Affects how much damage you can take be- + 1 (to a maximum of +3) for each warrant outstanding for
fore you die. Three means if someone punches you hard, your character charging him with a felony of violence
you'll be pushing up daisies. Eighteen means someone can + 1 additional if at least one such warrant charges him with
shoot you ten or twelve times in the head and neck with a a crime for which the death penalty is enforced in the
.38 and you'll still keep on coming. state where this campaign is set.
Intimidation: How scary you look. Three means you look + 1 if your character has a sexually-transmitted disease
completely harmless (but they'll find out different). Eigh- + 1 additional if your character has recently appeared on
teen means that stevedores and truck drivers will cross America's Most Wanted, and is therefore likely to be rec-
the street to avoid you. ognized by random passers-by on the street
Everything Else: This is like, a kludge. Just in case we need + 10 for cleaning the gamemaster's shoes with your tongue.
to roll against something and none of the other character- Particularly if the other players get to watch.
istics seem appropriate.
6. Good, we're through with characteristics. Do I need skills?
So you roll for each characteristic, right? And write it down. Could just have them roll against stats. Hmm. But we need
to pad this thing out to 15,000 words or so, and skill de-
5. Naturally, a bunch of whiney little turds like you will moan scriptions always devour space. Righto, you have, hmm,
and whimper if you roll a bunch of bad numbers, and no 100, that's a good round number, you have 100 skill points
amount of assurance about how it's a challenge to roleplay to spend. There's a section on the character sheet that
a character with all 3s and 4s is going to pacify you. So lists all the skills in the game. They all start out at a value of
here's a rule: 3, right, the minimum for stats. You can't raise any skill
a. Calculate a "reroll number." If the total of all your charac- above a value of 18. Spend 1 point to raise a skill by one.
teristics is less than the reroll number, you can reroll any Good, that's simple enough, even if it's dumb as hell.
or all of your characteristics until the total is greater than
or equal to the reroll number. Example: Your reroll number 7. Mumble mumble. Any thing else? Oh, yeah, we need hit
is 50. Your characteristic total is 48. You point to any char- points. And pain points. Actually, I could just use the stats,
acteristic, say "I wanna reroll this one," and you do so. If but that would be too simple. Right. Look up your
the characteristic total is now 50 or more, you're stuck Constitution on this here chart. Below it is a die code. You
with the character, unless you do something to increase know, D4 means a four-sided die, D6 means a six sider, and
your reroll number. like that. Roll the indicated die type. Actually, casually roll it
b. So what is your reroll number? It starts off at 40, but behind your hand, and if you like the result, lift your hand
here's what you can do to increase it: and use that number. Otherwise, roll two or three times,
+1 for every $ 11 you pay the gamemaster. pretending you're just, you know, rolling casually and didn't
+2 per dollar that you place in an envelope and, while the really mean that first roll, then when you get a number you

1
I was going to say "or 50p for you Brits" here, but then my esteemed publisher pointed out the pointlessness and stupidity of that. I mean, why should we
cater to a bunch of drunken obnoxious louts whose idea of a good time is stomping the crap out of anyone with the temerity to support a different football team,
then going out for Indian and several quarts of ale so they can puke in technicolor? I mean, I'm in London for maybe five minutes, waiting at the cabstand, and
chatting up this cute black, I mean African-British girl, and adoring the accent coming out of that svelte form (incongruity is the source of most amusement),
when this wretched old bastard in ragged, greasy tweeds comes up and starts bellowing at her that she's the scum of the Earth and should go back where she
came from, the nigger slut. Five minutes, all it takes. Cool Britannia my ass.
2
Hard U.S. currency, mind! 1 don't want gaily-colored lire, Deutschemarks, reals or any other such ridiculous funny-money, either. 1 mean, what am I going
to do, run down to the bank every few days and pay them some ridiculous surcharge to turn a bunch of small foreign change into real money? It ain't worth it.
Although come to think of it, Deutschemark coins are about size of a quarter and will probably work in the laundry machines. Of course, they're worth rather
more than a quarter, but the laundry is kind of piling up. Might be able to get away with a 10p coin, too, which is more cost-effective.

4
like, proudly announce that this is your hit point roll. Don't around the streets armed for bear and staggering under
try to roll more than three times; I mean, that's cheating the weight of 50 kilos of crack in a large plastic bag cradled
to an egregious level. The gamemaster will start to get in your arms, I suspect many nice uniformed gentlemen
suspicious. will want to engage you in a conversation. It's up to the
Anyway, the number you roll is the number of Hit Points damned GM to spot these things and deal with them; who
you start with. wants to tot up a bunch of numbers anyway? And what
Repeat the process, only find your Pain Threshold on gamemaster would put up with players who say "but says
the table instead of your Constitution; the result is your here I can carry 100 kilograms". Sure you can. But it's not
Pain Points. a good idea, is it?
Write your Hit Points and your Pain Points on the char-
acter sheet in the space indicated. Guns
item price hide factor
Characteristic: Saturday night special $100 1
3-6 7-9 10-11 12-13 14-15 16 17 18 police revolver (.38) $100 3
Dice: automatic (.38) $200 3
D3 D4 D6 D8 D10 D12 D16 D20 .45 automatic $250 4
.454 automatic $500 5
Duh, How Kin I Roll a D16? Good Christ, man, how Uzi-equivalent $1000 5
long have you been playing these games? You roll a D8, sawed-off shotgun (pump) $200 5
with me so far? Then you roll a D6. If the six-sider rolls a 1, AK47-equivalent $1000 10
2 or 3, the number on the D8 is what you use. If the six-sider ammo clip for handgun $20 1
rolls a 4, 5, or 6, you add 8 to the roll on the D8. And if you ammo clip for shotgun $20 1
can't figure out how to roll a D3,1 give up. ammo clip for machine-gun $50 2
Teflon bullets 3 x5 same
8. You need to buy some equipment. Roll lD6x$100. (I bet
you can figure out what that means. If not, go buy a real Not that I have any idea what the street prices of this stuff
game.) Yeah, you don't got a lot of money, but face it, your is, anyway, but then, if any of my players do have a clear
characters are all a bunch of deranged, psychotic losers. If idea of street prices for hot guns, 1 really don't want to
you're an addict, you must purchase at least one dose of know about it anyway.
your drug of choice as part of your starting equipment. 3
Armor-piercing ammo, in other words; "cop-killer" bullets designed
Incidentally, I'm not going to worry about weight or car- to pierce Kevlar vests. You can buy this for any type of ammo clip; the
rying capacity or any of that crap—if you're walking cost is 5 times what that ammo would normally cost.
Other Weapons item price hide factor
item price hide factor expensive leather jacket $200 -2
little knife $20 1 trenchcoat $150 -4
mean-looking knife $50 2 leather trench coat $300 -4
big motherfucking knife $100 3 wool army coat from the Salvation Army
throwing knife $20 1 $20 -4
piano wire and a brick $5 1 big puffy black down coat $200 -2
box cutter $3 1 winter coat with the label currently most desired on the
ice pick or awl $5 1 street (probably FUBU at the moment, but you'll look
mace (chemical, you idiot, this isn't the middle ages) like an idiot in it if you aren't black)
$5 1 $400 -2
sock full of quarters $5 14 army-surplus flack jacket $30 -1
cosh $10 1 Kevlarvest $100 0
brass knuckles $20 1 business suit $300 -48
handful of rings $100 0 underwear (optional) $2 0
socks (optional) $1 0
one of those stupid hat things that looks like a piece of
Hard, Addictive, Illegal Drugs nylon stocking $5 0
1 dose (choose your poison) $20 1 knit cap $5 0
12 doses $200 3 baseball cap $10 -1
needle set-up $10 1 fedora 9 $100 -1
crack pipe & paraphernalia$10 1
methamphetamine production lab you ain't Stuff to Carry Things In
$10,000 carrying it plastic or paper bag $0 -1
around, pal cheap knapsack $30 -2
Manhattan Portage bag $70 -3
Clothing leather backpack $100 -3
Sneakers that'll make your homies sneer
$20 0 Fashion Accessories
Reasonably def sneakers $80 0 Cheap watch $10 0
Truly phat sneakers $150 0 Fake expensive watch $50 0
Doc Martens $100 -1 Walkman $30 0
bizarre-looking Skechers $100 0 1 CD $15 0
hand-tooled Italian loafers $250 0 carrying case with plastic slip-covers for CDs and a
hiking boots $80 -1 couple of dozen CDs $350 0
shitkicker boots5 $200 -1 Gameboy $70 0
army boots at Canal Jeans $30 -1 beeper $10 0
jeans or other casual pants $30 -1 cellphone $100 0
baggy pants with loads of zippers and pockets and shit piercing or tattoo10 $0 0
$40 -3 handcuffs $30 1
Reasonably fly pants that won't make the girls look at car" $0 5
you with glassy eyes when you attempt to engage them 16 oz can of malt liquor $1.50 1
in casual conversation in your typically foul-mouthed flask of booze $10 1
and inarticulate fashion $100 -1 pack of cigs $3.50 0
ragged promotional t-shirt6 $4 0 a couple of reefers $5 1
clean promotional t-shirt7 $10 0 cordless drill $20 1
t-shirt devoid of logos $15 0 crowbar $25 2
an actual shirt $25 0 can of spray paint $10 1
cheap leather jacket $50 -2 glass cutter $5 0
4
0 (zero) if you carry the sock and quarters separately, but then (a) it takes you a little while to assemble your weapon, and (b) you'll jingle a lot.
5
You know, the kind of crap they wear in Texas.
6
The gamemaster gets to choose the logo, e.g., he can stick you with a Zima shirt, or a Gay Men's Health Crisis shirt, or a Spice Girls shirt—whatever
he thinks you'll find most humiliating.
7
You get to choose your own logo.... so choose something cool. Or something your depraved character might think was cool, anyway, which
probably limits you to shirts for Gangsta rappers, street-fighter arcade games, or the kind of irritating, dumbass shirt you find in sleazoid souvenir
shops, e.g., "My Daddy mac went to Rikers and all 1 got was this stupid shirt and a dose of chlamydia."
8
Its high 'hide' value is not because you can hide lots of stuff under a business suit but because you look like a civilian instead of the murderous
scum that you are, and therefore the bulge of your semiautomatic weapon is less likely to be noted and remarked upon.
9
What is this, some kind of retro thing? You been watching too many movies about the mob. Or listening to too much neoswing. Next you'll want a
zoot suit.
10
We're giving this to you free, but write down where you're pierced and tattooed. Keep in mind it's another distinguishing mark for witnesses to
recognize you by.
'' Why does it cost nothing? Cause it's hot. Why does it have such a hide value? Cause it's hot. And no, you can't conceal it in your trenchcoat, so the
negative hide value of clothing does nothing to conceal this. Of course, you can throw shit in the truck or glove box. This is one reason you'd rather be
a thug in New York where they have subways like a decent city, and you don't have to boost wheels before going off on your murderous rampage.

6
A Note About Guns large serrated knives, huge quantities of narcotics, sev-
So, like, I'm not a gun nut and don't actually know that ered heads, and hot stereo equipment. They'll want to
much about firearms. So I figure that this modest list of stroll down the street without having people see what
weapons—.38 revolver, .38 automatic, .45 and .454, plus they've got and flee for shelter, screaming for the cops.
Uzis and AK-47s, will suffice. I mean, yeah, there are guns So here's how it works. Every piece of equipment has
of different calibers, and unquestionably there are fine a Hide value. Positive Hide means you want to hide the
distinctions between different makes, and there are fucking thing. Negative Hide means it helps you hide shit.
plenty of machine pistols other than Uzis and SMGs other If the Hide values of the crap a character carries is
than AK-47s, but how different are they really? zero or less, everything is, under normal circumstances,
And I can't be bothered to do the research, I don't reasonably well concealed. Players should take this into
even what to discuss what my fucking advance is, and account when selecting equipment—I mean, if you're gonna
I'm knocking this out between projects that actually have walk around with an AK-47 and enough ammunition to
a chance of paying my rent for the month. So if you re- supply a Serbian battalion, maybe you should think about a
ally give a crap about this stuff, feel free to modify the nice trench coat.
game, and stick in all kinds of ridiculous detailed rules So then what?
about actual ammo clip sizes and the effect of different Okay—when a character (or group of characters) en-
kinds of stocks and the stopping power of different cali- counters the cops—like, they're cruising down the street
bers of ammunition and all that kind of shit. in one of those shitass police cars, or stopping in at the
Actually, tell you what, if you wanna do a supplement same joint as the PCs for a donut—calculate a Police Ha-
with a million different kind of guns, it's probably the kind rassment Number. This is:
of crap that the deranged players of this despicable game
would eat up. So why don't you write Wallis and tell him + characters' Hide values, if positive. (Add 'em all up. if
you wanna write Madmen & Magnums", the gun supple- multiple characters present, but my negative Hide
ment for , and he'll pay you some absurdly low doesn't help cover the face that you've got the handle
royalty and I'll get a piece of it and you and me and the kind of a .45 sticking out of your belt.)
of wankers who read Gun Lust magazine will all be happy, or +1 for each warrant outstanding for these bozos.
at least happier than we'd otherwise be. +2 if any have recently appeared on America's Most Wanted
+5 if a crime has recently been committed in the area,
Carrying Concealed Weapons (And but the cops don't have a good ID on the perps.
Other Shit That'll Land You In Jail) + 10 if a crime has recently been committed in the area,
So your characters being what they are, they're going to be and the cops have positive ID on the perps, who hap-
carrying around a lot of shit they shouldn't be. Like guns, pen to be these motherfuckers

7
+1 per black or Hispanic character (who are inherently Now, if this was a real game, I'd henceforth classify all
likelier to be fucked with because, well, welcome to tasks as Fucking Hard or Any Pussy Can Do That, or what-
America) not. Then you'd have to spend a lot of time tracking this
-2 if it's close to the end of the shift and the cops would table down in the rulebook to figure out what that meant,
rather not have to spend the next two hours doing all increasing your willingness to spend additional bucks on
the fucking paperwork involved if they actually have an otherwise useless gamemaster's screen, and providing
to arrest these idiots the illusion that there's some kind of non-arbitrary, Carefully
Balanced, Professionally Designed System behind this
Then roll a die, and if the number rolled is less than or roleplaying shit. But in fact, that would be completely bogus.
equal to the hide value, the cops get interested. So instead, when I feel like it, I'll mention an actual die code,
Um... What kind of die? How about this: so you don't have to rack your brains trying to remember
whether Really Hard is 1D40, 1D60, or what. Moreover, I'll
Time Spent in Close feel no compunction about sticking to those particular
Proximity to Scum Die to Roll dice—I mean, if I feel like using a D50 or some fucking thing,
mere seconds 1D100 I will. And you know what? So should you.
enough time to get a good look 1D20 I mean, use your judgment, goddamn it. Do I have to
1-5 minutes 1D10 do all the work for you?
5-10 minutes 1D8
10-30 minutes
30+ minutes
1D6
1D4 And How Do I Roll a
If the gamemaster wants, he can make the same kind of roll D60 Again?
when the PCs encounter non-cops, but should shift down Do we really have to go over this shit? I mean, godal-
one row on the table, because civilians, being inattentive mighty, when I started doing games, you had to write rules
sheep, are less likely to notice crap even than Our Boys in like this:
Blue, hard as that may be to believe. If they notice that
(3.0) GENERATING RANDOM NUMBERS USING THE SPI CASE SYSTEM
Something is Wrong (by rolling under the Police Harassment
Number), it's up to the gamemaster whether they cross the General Rule: When the players are required in the course of the game to generate a
random number, the number and type of dice to be used shall be indicated through the use
street to avoid the PCs, run screaming in terror, or dial 911. of a die code.
Whatever makes sense in context. Cases:
Oh, yeah—if the Police Harassment Number is greater (3.1) Die Codes
(3.11) Each die code is of the form nDx [+/- y]. The number before the "D" (n, in this
than zero, the PCs' chances of hailing a cab are zero. Al- example), indicates the number of dice to be rolled. Example: 2D6 means thai two dice
ways. Cabbies have a healthy sense of self-preservation. are rolled.

(3.12) The number immediately following the "D" in the dice code (x in this example—

Skills see case 3.1 l)indicates the number of "sides" on the dice. Thus, for example, 2D6
indicates that two six-sided dice are to be used.

Skill Use (3.13) In some cases, the dice code is followed by a plus (+) or minus (-) sign and an
additional number (y in this example—see case 3.11 above). That means that the
In fact—what the fuck, let's generalize that system. indicated number shall be added or subtracted from the number generated by the dice,
subsequent to summation of the rolls (see 3.2 below). Example: 2D6+3 means that two
When a character tries to do something, roll a die. If six-sided dice shall be rolled, and the numbers generated thereby summed; subsequently,
the player rolls less than or equal to his character's skill, three shall be added to produce the final result.
he succeeds. If he rolls higher, he fails. (3.14) Note that when a number is added or subtracted from the die-roll, it is added or
What kinda die? For actions of 'normal' difficulty, like subtracted after summing any rolls on individual dice, not from the result generated on
each die individually.
say trying to shoot someone standing still 30 feet away, you
roll 1D20. You roll dice with fewer sides if it's easier than (3.2) Types of Dice
(3.21) Due to a variety of circumstances (cheapness, the incompetence of our produc-
'normal', more sides if harder. Like this: tion manager, the variable cost of petroleum products, etc.), no dice are actually in-
cluded with this product. However, dice of a variety of shapes and sizes are commonly
available at better hobby shops everywhere.
Skill Difficulty Table (SDT)
(3.22) The most common die is the traditional six-sided cube (in our terms, a D6).
1D3: Any pussy can do that Unlike other dice, numbers on these dice are indicated by the presence of dots. To
1D4: No problemo determine the number generated by an individual die, count the dots present
on the face-up side subsequent to rolling. Example: In the illustration to the
1D6: Simple as hell right, the face-up side of the die bears five dots (sometimes called "spots").
1D8: Easier This indicates the number "5" has been generated through the roll of this die.

1D10: Easy (3.23) Other commonly-available dice include four- (D4), eight- (D8), twelve- (D12),
and twenty-sided (D20) dice. For most of these dice, the number rolled is determined by
1D12: Should be able to do it examining the uppermost face of the die subsequent to rolling. Players with an interest
1D16: Not too tough in mathematics may note that these dice, together with the six-sided cube, constitute the
full panoply of Platonic solids.
1D20: Normal
1D30: Hard (3.24) An exception is required for the four-sided pyramidal die; it has no uppermost
face. Instead, the number appearing on the bottom-most face is used. The roller may
1D40: Harder need to lift the die to examine the face; alternatively, some four-sided dice are manufac-
1D60: Really Hard tured with small numbers along each edge. The number along the bottom-most edge is
used in this case.
1D80: Harder Than You'd Really Care to
(3.25) The rules also frequently require players to roll ten-sided (D10) dice. Two sorts
Contemplate are manufactured; some are actually D20s, with each of the digits from zero (0) to nine
1D100: Fucking Hard (9) appearing twice on faces of the die. Others are actually ten-sided pofyhedra
(pentangular bipyramids), but are not Platonic solids. These are sometimes numbered 0
1D1000: Fucking Impossible to 9 rather than 1 to 10; the number "0" should be considered equivalent to "10".

8
(3.26) As an alternative to the use of the D20, players may wish to mount an English- to think of it, that's the most frightening aspect of all this.
style dartboard on a wall in their gaming area. The gamemaster may then generate more-
or-less random number between 1 and 20 by tossing a dart toward the board. Some It's not merely that high-powered, deadly weapons are so
gamemasters enjoy the intimidating "thunk" sound this makes. If feeling generous,
gamemasters may allow their players to throw their own darts, although in such case, the easily available; nor that they're in the possession of evil
gamemaster should impose an appropriate house rule, e.g., the player may stand no psychotic scumbags; but that these assholes barely know
closer than ten feet to the dartboard when throwing.
how to use them. A whole lotta dead innocent bystand-
(3.27) When the rules call for a D40 (forty-sided die), instead roll a D4 and a D10 ers, eh?
simultaneously; the number appearing on the D10 shall constitute the "ones" digit of
the required number. Subtract 1 from the D4 roll to generate the "tens" digit. A roll of Machine Weapons: Covers the use of rapid-fire weapons,
"00" shall be equivalent to "40". Example: A "1" appears on the D4, and an "8" on the like Uzis and AK-47s and the like. Again, nobody can take
D10. Subtracting "1" from the D4 roll produces "0"; consequently, the numerical result
is "08", or just "8". this at a skill level of 10 without a good rap as to how they
(3.28) Similarly, when the rules call for a D60 roll, use a D6 and D10 simultaneously; for gained this skill. (A stint in the army would do, but if you
a D80 roll, a D8 and D10; and for a D100 roll, two D10s. claim this, the gamemaster should feel free gleefully to stick
(3.29) D30 die-rolls can be generated in two ways. One is to roll a D6 and D10 simulta- you with some consequence, e.g., the Russian mob loathes
neously; the D6 roll needs to be halved (rounding up), with one subtracted from the result you because of what you did in Kosovo, or you caught a
to produce the tens digit. Alternatively, it is possible to purchase thirty-sided dice, albeit
they are less commonly available than most polyhedral dice. dose of the clap in Manila. Or that dishonorable discharge
after they caught you with a twelve year-old girl in Okinawa.)
So let me put in this way. I sure don't want to write this You can't just set up a row of tin cans on a rooftop in
shit. And you sure don't want to read it. So you're gonna South LA and start plinking away, you know? Not unless
have to work with me a little, you understand? 1 mean, if you want to attract a SWAT team, police choppers, and
you want this thing to be an entertaining read (and god the Eyewitness News van.
knows why else you'd buy it), we're going to have to be a Knife-fighting: Players can take this skill initially at any
little more loosey-goosey about the rules, okay? If you level they want, but if they try for more than 15, the
don't get something, well hell, make it up yourself. I mean, gamemaster should tell them they've got a scar or two.
I'm just pulling this crap out of my ass anyway; do ye Knife-throwing: A more esoteric skill; maximum of 10
likewise. initially, unless a player explains how he learned it better.
And that assumes you've got actual throwing knives, which
About the Skills are designed and balanced for the purpose; knock the
players up to the next harder die type when they're using
The skills below largely assume that the characters are anything else.
badly educated, inner-city scum. But of course, not all The Cosh: Not really a combat skill perse; essentially, the
psychotic monsters come from abusive homes in inner- ability to knock somebody unconscious with a swift blow
city areas where gunfire is a nightly occurrence—it's just to the head. You get one shot, and if you fail, the guy may
more likely that that's where they come from. So if one of take damage from the weapon, but then he's going to be
the players wants to play a lawyer who just happens to like mad as hell. I'm willing to grant that maybe the PCs have
raping, killing, and eating the flesh of women after the had some practice doing this. Do roll for damage even if
workday's done, that's fine, although you'll have to come you succeed in knocking the bastard unconscious; the
up with some rationale for how he hooks up with the rest difference in pressure between knocking someone out
of our merry band of psychos. The point here, though is and killing him is fairly slight.
that the gamemaster should feel free to flesh this out with Dodge: No, we don't have a fucking dodge skill. Nobody
other skills as necessary. dodges bullets, except in John Wu movies.

Combat Skills Basic Skills

Unarmed Combat: Whacking people with fists and feet. If Reading: So 20% of the American population is functionally
you want to get this skill at a level higher than 15 initially, illiterate, right? And our PCs aren't exactly from a portion
you gotta spend $100 per point above 15 for training at a of the population that tends to do real well on their SATs.
dojo or boxing gym—skill at that level requires professional So yeah, if they want to be able to read something more
training. And choose your variety of martial art: aikido, than a Stop sign, we're going to make them spend skill points
karate, judo, tae kwon do, kung fu, capoeira—or my favorite, to do so.
qu fon shuan, the Way of the Barhouse Fists, lots of Writing: Ditto here.
roundhouse punches, learning to fall across tables cov- Arithmetic: And likewise.
ered with beer steins, and training in the art of correctly Driving: If you're feeling generous and the campaign is set
breaking bottles to make for the most effective weapon. somewhere other than New York or Boston, that is, in a
Yes, I'm making this up. city where cars are necessary for survival, you could give
Handgun: This covers not only the ability to fire handguns them this skill at a reasonable level (say 10) for free. In a
and control them with decent accuracy, but also the ability civilized city with reasonable public transport, they'll have
to unjam them, reload swiftly, and so forth. General gun to use some of their initial skill points, because you can
care and use, in other words. No player character may take get along just fine without a car. And don't make them
this at more than 10 initially, at least without a good make skill rolls for normal, everyday driving. Any idiot
explanation and the gamemaster's permission. These can stop at a red light (although knowing our PCs, they
guys aren't exactly Idaho rednecks who go hunting ev- probably won't).
ery fall, you got me? They're inner-city, urban scum. They Cooking: A lost art in these times. A normal difficulty roll
don't get a lot of chance to practise with handguns, ex- for preparing a full, hot, edible meal; boiling an egg is
cept when they're actually shooting at somebody. Come easier. Maybe even Easier, if you take my drift.

9
Street Knowledge Law: When you run into the cops a lot, you tend to pick
Graffiti: Ability to identify tags (particularly important in up at least the rudiments. Like, shut up and admit noth-
gang-ridden areas), and to create new, attractive graffiti of ing until you get a lawyer. At a high enough level, this
your own. might let you negotiate a recording contract without mak-
Gang Lore: Knowledge of gang colors, symbols, tags, lo- ing a complete ass of yourself. PCs can't take the skill at
cations, and membership. If taken at a skill level above more than 15 initially, unless they can explain to the
15, the character must belong to a gang (otherwise he gamemaster precisely how they managed to get into law
couldn't have such comprehensive knowledge) which, of school, or at a minimum, how their Reading of 3 permit-
course, has its advantages (readily available NPCs for ted them to spend hours poring over dry legal tomes in
cannon-fodder) as well as its drawbacks (likely to get at- the public library.
tacked by rival gangs when in the wrong area of town). Spanish: The easiest language (other than English) to pick
Underworld Lore: Similar to 'gang lore,' in a way, but this up on the streets.
covers knowledge of underworld syndicates and indepen- Other Languages: Other languages are less likely, as we
dent professionals. E.g., a character with a decent Un- assume these characters aren't much for academic study.
derworld Lore skill will be able to find a fence when he However, it's certainly feasible for, e.g., a character of Chi-
needs to offload some stolen goods. He'll know that the nese extraction to know Cantonese quite well.
guy in the charcoal suit is not some office dweeb who's Goofy Woowoo Shit: Knowledge and understanding of
easy prey because he's in the wrong part of town, but voodun, santeria, spiritualism, Wiccan practice, crystal
actually a soldier for the Russian mob. And he'll know healing, and other goofy woowoo crap. None of this actu-
enough about Mafia ritual not to piss them off when he ally does anything, mind you, but it may help you interpret
wanders into the wrong after-hours club. what that dead chicken lying on the landing in front of your
Drug Lore: Knowledge of the use and effects of various apartment means.
restricted pharmaceuticals; also allows the character to Torture: Can only be used against a subject that basi-
find a connection when he wishes to buy a fix (for himself cally can't resist. You're either using a weapon (or some-
or others). Addicted characters are strongly advised to thing of the sort, e.g., an orbital sander) or your hands.
take a substantial Drug Lore skill, both to avoid going In either case, if you use the skill successfully, you roll
through withdrawal too often and so they'll know enough damage and pain dice for whatever it is you're using—
not to, e.g., use a contaminated needle. At high enough skill only you knock the damage roll down by one die size
levels (or rather, with sufficiently difficult skill rolls), it (e.g., from D8 to D6) while knocking the pain roll up by
allows PCs to, e.g., manufacture crystal meth from ap- one die size (e.g., from D8 to D10). If you fail your skill
propriate chemicals. roll, you roll damage and pain normally.
Sports Lore: Knowledge of various sports teams, current
scores, sports trivia, etc. This may seem fairly useless on Physical Skills
the face of it, but if nothing else, it allows you to engage Basketball: The sport most likely to have been learned in
in small talk with other men. Which, given that these guys the city. Lets you run around a small concrete court and
probably don't have much to talk about other than the toss a ball through a hoop. I can't imagine what utility this
commission of various felonies, is no bad thing. is, unless you're over 6'6" (in which case maybe you can
Music Lore: Knowledge of pop music—ability to recognize have a career as a professional), but people waste time on
tunes, sing them (more or less badly), find clubs and all kinds of things as kids.
venues, and identify musicians. At skill level 15 or above, Swimming: It's certainly possible to learn to swim growing
the character must choose a particular pop music genre as up in the city—enough over-chlorinated public pools
his or her area of specialization: rap, house, fife & drum, around. But it's by no means a foregone conclusion.
ambient, swing, the blues—or even some form of that Other Sport: If they particularly want, let 'em choose one. I
archaic category known as 'rock'. At a high enough level, have a hard time believing 'acrobatics' or anything else
this might allow you to form a group and land a recording remotely useful, though.
contract, at which point you can find out what it's like to be Locksmithing: The ability to get through locks. I mean, any
legally fucked over by professionals. dweeb can learn to drill out a lock using a cordless drill,
Videogames: Knowledge of arcade games, mostly, although possibly the greatest single boon to car thieves since the
perhaps some console titles as well. We're talking about dawn of time. Of course, this doesn't help too much if it's a
twitch crap, here; deratiocinated gaming drivel for people deadbolt. Consequently, players can't take this skill at more
with no skills other than fine motor coordination. Confers than 10 unless they have a good rap for how they man-
the ability to walk into a blaring arcade and (with successful aged to get apprenticed as a locksmith somewhere or the
skill rolls) impress the pimply adolescents there with your like. When using the skill, use a 1D10 roll for a car door
prowess, then to engrave your name, well, three letters lock, 1D20 for a normal apartment door deadbolt, 1D40
anyway, on the fabled Board of High Score, blazing there for a Medeco lock. Others at the GM's judgment, and note
for all the world to see, for all time to come—or at least that most apartments in cities are going to have more
until the arcade owner resets the damn thing. What this than a single lock on the door.
does for you I couldn't say, although if you believe that
asshole censor wannabe Lt. Col. David Grossman, arcade What To Do When a Skill Doesn't
games are training for murder, so maybe there's some Apply
feedback effect to your Handgun skill—but nah; even Sometimes, some scum-sucking player will try to do some
videogames with pistol-grip controls don't have recoil. inane thing I hadn't anticipated and provided a nice skill

10
for, so you can't just say, Uh huh, that's normal difficulty,
roll 1D20 against your pathetic skill rating of 2, you nincom-
poop. In this case, I suggest you choose one of his
characteristics—like, if he tries to lift something really heavy,
Strength works pretty well. Roll 1D20 against that for nor-
mal difficulty.
None of the characteristics apply? That's why we got a
characteristic called Everything Else, right?
Using Everything Else seems too lame? Then you're
stuck with the Lord of the Dice rules.
Lord of the Dice works like this: Choose some dice.
Roll 'em. If you roll real low, you succeed (low is good in
this game, right?). If you roll real high, you fail. If you roll
in between, the gamemaster decides what happens. If the
gamemaster can't decide, roll some more until you get a
roll that makes him happy.
I mean, Christ, that's what all these games amount to
anyway, don't they?

Combat
Ranged Combat
So this is fundamentally very simple. Make a skill roll.
Succeed, you hit the target. Fail, you don't.
Of course, as with any other skill use, the nature of
the die you roll depends on the difficulty. Basically, as-
sume 1D20 for anyone between 10 and 30 feet away. In-
crease the difficulty with distance. Knock the difficulty
down a level if the target's closer—maybe two levels if
I've got one hand on you and a gun in the other. Maybe
make it extremely simple if I've got an arm around your
neck and the barrel of my pistol in your mouth.
Also: If the target is prone, the difficulty goes up by one
notch. If the target is moving, another notch. Increase it by
one or several notches if they have some cover—crouch-
ing behind a wall, say. And increase it a notch if someone is
shooting at you, which does rather tend to affect your aim.
Sound plausible?
Feh, I suppose to make it look like Official Rules, I gotta
give you a chart.

Ranged Combat Table

what's going on change in die from 1D20
target 10-30 feet away
target 30-50 feet away 1 size higher (e.g., 1D30)
target 50-100 feet away 2 sizes higher (e.g., 1D40)
target 100+ feet away use your fucking judgment
target 5-10 feet away 1 size lower (e.g., 1D16)
target 0 feet away 2 sizes lower (e.g., 1D12)
holding target 3 sizes lower (e.g., 1D10)
pressing the gun to target's fucking head
4 sizes lower (e.g., 1D8)
target is prone 1 size higher (e.g., 1D30)
target is moving 1 size higher (e.g., 1D30)
target has some cover 1 size higher (e.g., 1D30)
target has more cover 2 sizes higher (e.g., 1D40)
target has lotsa cover 3 sizes higher (e.g., 1D60)
even more cover than that
use your judgment, goddamn it
someone's shooting at you
1 size higher (e.g., 1D30)
you're moving 1 size higher (e.g., 1D30)
By the way, for the illiterates among you, "e.g." means Hand-to-Hand Combat
"exempli gratia", or "for example." It says "e.g." up there If you're fighting only one person, each of you makes a
instead of "i.e." ("id est," meaning "that is") because these skill roll. Difficulty is normally 'normal' unless one of you
are examples. is drunk or something. If you both succeed, you've each
All of this stuff is cumulative, e.g., if you're shooting parried or dodged the other's blow. If only one succeeds,
at someone who's got some cover and is 40' away while he does hit and pain damage to the other (see weapon
running yourself and being shot at, the dice size increase descriptions under combat). If you both fail, well, there it
is 4, meaning we go from 1D20 to 1D30 to 1D40 to 1D60 to is. If you're fighting multiple opponents, choose how many
1D80. Okay? you want to worry about; the others will hit you if they
succeed in their rolls, no chance for dodge or parry. Knock
Damage and Fain the die up by one 'size' per opponent after the first (e.g.,
Each weapon does damage and pain. Look at the Weapon if fighting three, from D20 to D30 to D40) and make your
Chart below; there's a different die code for each. Roll roll. If you succeed and at least one opponent also suc-
the damage dice, then the pain dice. Subtract damage ceeds, everybody's dodged or parried. If you succeed and
from the character's hit points. Subtract pain from his no other opponent succeeds, you hit one, choose which.
pain threshold. Simple enough?
If a character suffers more hit points than he's got, If you're using a club or a rolling pin or whatnot, you
he's dead. just use the unarmed combat rules, only you do more
If he suffers more pain points than he's got, he falls damage when you hit.
down and rolls around screaming or (if very brave or with
an over-inflated sense of heroism) biting his lip and whim- Kicking
pering quietly. Anyway, the point is, he's not doing any- If you want, in any combat round, you can say you're
thing active, like shooting back. kicking. In this case, the die you roll gets knocked up a

Weapon Tables
weapon damage pain weapon damage pain
fists 1D3 1D3 AK-47 equivalent 1D30 1D10
w/ lotsa rings 1D4 1D3 fencing foil15 1D8 1D6
w/ brass knuckles 1D5 1D4 sword cane 1D8 1D6
kick 1D5 1D4 fencing saber 1D10 1D8
w/ heavy boots 1D6 1D4 big stick or cane 1D6 1D4
w/ steel-toed boots 1D8 1D6 night-stick 1D6 1D4
knife, little 1D6 1D4 can-opener 1D4 1D3
knife, mean-looking 1D8 1D6 steak knife 1D5 1D4
knife, big motherfucking 1D10 1D8 carving knife 1D8 1D6
knife, throwing 1D6 1D4 blender16 1D3 1D4
box cutter 1D6 1D3 iron 1D2 1D6
piano wire and a brick12 special (see footnote) handheld drill 1D4 1D5
ice pick or awl 1D5 1D4 hammer 1D6 1D6
sock full of quarters 1D5 1D3 orbital sander 1D3 1D10
cosh 1D6 1D4 belt sander 1D6 1D16
broken bottle 1D8 1D6 jigsaw" 1D8 1D6
Saturday night special 1D6 1D4 circular saws 1D12 1D8
police revolver13 1D8 1D4 staple gun 1D3 1D6
automatic (.38)14 1D8 1D4 nail gun 1D5 1D8
automatic, .45 1D10 1D6 electric wires19 1D3 1D6
automatic, .454 1D12 ID8 culinary blowtorch20 1D4 1D8
Uzi-equivalent 1D20 1D10 mace 0 1D6
sawed-off shotgun 1D20 1D10 lye in the face 1D4 1D12

12
Consider it hand-to-hand combat, knock the skill roll down a couple of die sizes and, if he actually succeeds, he's got the loop around the target's
neck, and can decapitate the target on the next combat round. Otherwise, no damage.
13
Six-shooter.
14
Typical ammo clip has a dozen bullets.
15
Point guard removed, sharpened.
16
Glass jar broken off, e.g., using the spinning little blades on someone.
17
If the target can't resist (cause your buddies are sitting on her, say), you can sever a finger, if you want, on any hit. Harder to cut off much else,
cause the blade isn't too long.
18
With this one, you can cut off limbs pretty easy, if you want. Actually severing the head is harder; these days, circular saws have guards that prevent
you from exposing more than a couple inches of blade. So you have to kind of work your way around the neck while your victim screams horribly and
blood spurts all over you and your power tools from the severed veins and arteries.
19
So you take an extension cord or a cut-off cord to a lamp. You split the wires, strip the ends, and touch them (live) to the subject. More useful in
torture than as a weapon, but hey, desperate people will improvise, and there's gonna be a lot of desperate NPCs in this game.
20
Or aerosol can and a match.

12
size (cause it's harder to get off a good kick than a good
punch). You'll do a bit more damage if you hit, of course Innocent Bystanders
(see the weapon tables). So picture this. You're in a four-storey walk-up, you just
crowbarred open the door to granny's apartment cause
Knife-Fighting you heard she's got a stash of cash in her mattress, it
Okay, when you're knife-fighting, you use more or less turns out granny has a gun, so you blow her away with
the same rules as for unarmed combat, except that the your Uzi. She got off a coupla shots, hit nothing, you fired
weapons do more damage. When your opponent doesn't maybe ten or twenty in a couple of short bursts, of which
have a knife, he uses his unarmed combat skill, but rolls maybe three bullets actually hit her. The building itself is
a die with more sides than normal, cause it's harder to prewar, brick exterior, but it's been renovated several
parry a knife without getting it stuck in your arm. times over the years, to divide up what used to be nice
large family apartments into a warren of tiny little fleabag
Armor flats in order to maximize the landlord's rent rolls. The
Okay, let's not go overboard here, this isn't the fucking original interior walls were lath-and-plaster, but the newer
middle ages. Still, cops do run around with Kevlar vests, walls are basically nothing but wallboard over some
and there's a reason thugs like leather jackets. cheap metal studs.
Where'd your bullets go? Not to mention hers?
Leather Jacket: Reduces both damage and pain from Let's say granny had a police .38, firing the usual lead
hand-to-hand combat, knives, clubs, etc., by 1 point each bullets that cops use. Lead is good for stopping bad guys;
time damage is received (e.g., if I've got a jacket on, and it's soft, it spreads out at the moment of impact, makes a
I suffer 4 damage and 3 pain in one round of combat from nice big hole going in. That's why cops like it. It's also
a knife, I instead only suffer 3 damage and 2 pain). Has against the Geneva convention, by the way, which is why
no effect on firearms. your Uzi uses copper-jacketed military ammunition (which
Kevlar Vest: When you get hit by a firearm, knock the leaves nice, neat holes that combat medics can treat more
damage and pain dice down by one level each before dam- easily—and usually exits clean through the body, so they
age is rolled. E.g., you get hit by a .38, which normally don't have to dig around to try to get the bullet out).
does 1D8 damage and 1D4 pain; instead, suffer 1D6 dam- If granny's bullets hit brick, they probably got stopped.
age and 1D3 pain. Has the same effect on hand-to-hand If they hit one of the old lath-and-plaster walls, they prob-
combat damage as a leather jacket. Note: Has no effect if ably didn't penetrate into the next apartment. If they hit
the bad guys are using Teflon bullets. that wallboard shit, you can probably look through the
SWAT Armor: Basically the equivalent of a Kevlar vest, hole they left into the next apartment over, where twelve
but a little butch-er and covering more of the body. Knock illegal immigrants from Guatemala are living in a three-
damage and pain dice down by 1 level, as for a Kevlar room flat because that's all they can afford while they
vest—and, in addition, subtract 2 from damage and pain. work in a sweatshop garment factory on the Lower East
E.g., if hit by a .38, instead of 1D8 damage and 1D3 pain, Side. With that many bodies in the room, granny prob-
you suffer 1D6-2 damage and 1D3-2 pain. Has the same ably hit somebody. So through the wall, you can see a
effect on hand-to-hand combat damage as a leather bunch of spies jumping up and down and screaming while
jacket. Again, has no effect if the bad guys are using Teflon some little Guatemalan honey looks in shock at what's
bullets. left of her lower arm, realizing she ain't gonna be operat-
Helmet & Riot Shield: This stuff is pretty effective against ing a sewing machine any time soon.
fists and clubs and stuff, but isn't really designed to stop Meanwhile, half your bullets went through the apart-
bullets. Knock damage and pain dice from hand-to-hand ment window, blowing it to smithereens, the glass falling
combat down by one level (e.g., from D6 to D4), no effect and lacerating the face and upper body of a bike messenger
on firearms. who happened to be (illegally) riding his bike on the sidewalk
Bulletproof Car: Knock damage and pain dice from both downstairs. He's now lying on the cement, screaming
sorts of combat down by one level; also, treat as Some bloody murder, which is sure to attract someone's
Cover, that is, makes the target harder to hit in the first attention.
instance. The glass didn't stop the bullets, but the bricks of the
Sigh. And I suppose you swine will want another table, building across the street did—not before they tunnelled
to lend that atmosphere of faux-authenticity. half-way through them, and the bricks sufficed only be-

Armor Table
armor type hand-to-hand firearms
damage pain damage pain
leather jacket -1pt -1pt — —
Kevlar vest -1pt -1pt die down 1 size die down 1 size
SWAT armor -1pt -1pt -2 pts, die down 1 size -2 pts, die down 1 size
helmet & riot shield die down 1 size die down 1 size — —
bulletproof car die down 1 size die down 1 size die down 1 size, and die down 1 size, and
to-hit die up 1 size to-hit die up 1 size

13
cause the bullets had lost enough energy to glass and
the air between here and there. You can shoot through a
layer of brick with military-grade ammo.
A couple of stray shots, however, went through a win-
dow across the way, grazing the head of a grey tomcat
sleeping on the window sill, who is now bleeding copi-
ously and caterwauling piteously from beneath the couch
of the personal trainer who lives over there, who is him-
self now prone on the floor, screaming into his cellphone
at some gormless 911 operator.
And let's not even talk about if you're using Teflon
bullets.
The point is this: You start shooting in a crowded city,
and God knows who's going to get hit. Bullets carry an
impressive amount of energy and, yes, can penetrate
brick, and can ricochet around, too, so you can't even
assume that if it's not in a straight line it's safe. There's a
reason why, when the boys at Tre Mafiosi down on
Sullivan Street have a little contretemps over their linguini
con vongole, the paramedics carry a lot of bodies out, not
all of them with Italian surnames.
Do we really need a rule for this? I suppose so; how
about this? If you blow your to-hit roll—rolling either the
highest you can on the die you're using, or more than 5
points above your skill, either way—the gamemaster
should assume that the bullet hits something you'd re-
ally rather not hit. What that is depends, of course, on
whether you're having a firefight in a nice deserted ware-
house (hot damn, you just hit the gas line, and propane
is invisibly beginning to spray into the area at the north-
east of the building, up by the roof, creating a nice fuel-
air mixture that's sure to explode messily sometime soon)
or a crowded club (oops, there goes the bartender, leav-
ing that fat tip was pretty damn pointless I guess).
The gamemaster should keep in mind, though, that a
bullet that doesn't hit goes somewhere. And we're not
exactly playing in the vastness of the Northwest Territo-
ries here. Well, not unless something really weird has hap-
pened in your campaign.

Combat Movement
Let's say each combat round is about 3 seconds. Flat out,
your average joe can run about 25 feet in that time, maybe
35 or 40 if he's running for his life. But mostly, we're dodg-
ing furniture in an apartment or running for the nearest
doorway to get some cover.
Most of the time, you're not going to bother with ac-
tual movement calculations in combat. You're going to
describe what you're going to try to the gamemaster, and
if it's reasonable, he'll say yea or nay, or have you make a
skill roll or something of the kind.
But sometimes, it may be important to figure out ex-
actly how far you can get. Here's some basic rules:

Walking: You can walk 10 feet in a combat round. Be-

cause you're moving, if you try to shoot at the same time,
you roll a die one size bigger than otherwise.
Running, First Round: If you want to run, and you didn't
run on the previous round, roll 1D20+10 to see how many
feet you get. Yeah, that's a big range, but there are a lot of
variables involved, like furniture in the way, and whether
you stumble, and how quickly you get moving, and so
on, so actually, this kind of randomness is at least argu- roleplaying game ever published! Now there's a something
ably more reasonable than establishing a flat movement worthy of note—I mean, we got a lot of competition for
rate. You can still try to shoot, but knock the to-hit die up that particular claim.
by two sizes (e.g., from 1D20 past 1D30 to 1D40). Here's how it works. Published below are postage-stamp-
Running, Panicky: If you're being shot at and trying to sized certificates, each worth One Official
avoid being hit, on subsequent rounds you keep rolling to Experience Point™—print these in non-repro blue, Wallis,
see how far you get, as above, and you get the benefit of so the bastards can't just photocopy them! You, Mr.
being a moving target (someone else's to-hit roll also gets Gamemaster, get these free just for purchasing this fine
knocked up by one die size). gaming product. Use them with your own adventures,
Running, No Worries: If you're just jogging along, trying to distributing them to your players upon successful comple-
cover ground, not worrying about obstacles or a hail of tion of a game.
lead from the pigs, you can cover a steady 25 feet a combat
round. Publisher's Note: If "X" thinks I'm paying to print this crap in
Sprinting: Or you can sprint for your life at 40 feet a combat a second ink, he's off his nut. This is an extraordinarily dubious
round. You can't shoot or do anything else, and you don't idea, anyway. But—if you want them, they're on the back.
get any protection from being shot at, because you're mov-
ing steadily and not that hard to follow. Do this for more Each published adventure will contain additional
than a few rounds and, unless you're in superb shape, Experience Point™ certificates, enough to be
you're going to be gasping for breath. distributed as rewards for completing the adventure
contained therein.
The gamemaster should feel free to modify this crap at Gamemasters who wish to run their own adventures
whim, e.g., a character who looks like Jabba the Hutt isn't may become Official Registered Gamemasters™
going to be covering any 40 feet a combat round. by signing up for the Roleplaying Gamemasters
Association™ (hereinafter the VRPGA'") for the modest
Pain and Torture price of, oh, we'll figure it out in a bit, maybe $10 a year. As
So in combat, a character's pain points are used to deter- a member of the VRPGA™ you get a) a newsletter, maybe, if
mine when he gets incapacitated, essentially—if his pain and when we feel like publishing it, no guarantees here,
points are exceeded by pain damage, he can't keep fighting, and b") the opportunity to purchase additional Official
but doesn't die unless his hit points are exceeded by regular Experience Points™ at the rate of $5 per six
damage. certificates.
Pain points are also used to determine when the sub- When a player shows up with a character, the
ject of torture "breaks." Basically, do enough pain damage gamemaster should demand proof that the character is
to exceed his point points, and he or she will do whatever entitled to have all the skills and shit that the character
you want, tell you his ATM passcode, or suck your cock, or sheet claims he does. To provide proof, the player must
whatever. Of course, if they scream a lot, the neighbors produce Official Experience Point'" certificates
may call 911, but hey. showing that he is indeed entitled to have so powerful a
character.
Experience Gamemasters are specifically prohibited, by the RULES,
says so RIGHT HERE, IN BLACK AND WHITE, HAHAHAHAH,
from preventing any character, no matter how powerful,
The Experience from participating in play, so long as the player has the
Point System™ relevant Official Experience PointTM certificates.
So one of the most annoying aspects of roleplaying games (And yeah, I realize players can sign up for the VRPGATM
is that people can buy your rules and play for decades, with and buy as many certificates as they want in order to cheat,
dozens of other people, and never pay you a dime ever but this is jake by me, since I'll have their money.)
again. I mean, one lousy rule book gives them man-years Furthermore, at all tournaments run by Hogshead Pub-
of entertainment, and all I get is a lousy 5% of $6.95, call lishing Ltd. or approved by the VRPGATM, players may
it thirty-five cents, if I'm lucky, I mean, standard royalties bring in whatever characters they want, so long as they
in this fucking industry are 2°-3%. Which is patently ri- got enough Official Experience PointTM certifi-
diculous on the face of it; I mean, real publishers typi- cates. And if you don't show up with official certificates,
cally pay 10% on hardcovers and 8% on paperbacks, and no amount of whining will help, buddy, you'll be stuck
their unit sales tend to be a lot higher, too. So I'm left with a new character with shit skills.
wondering how to pay my fucking rent, while you bas- God, I'm a genius.
tards go off and have the time of your life exploiting my My sister sells dozens of condoms
intellectual property! You pigs. She punctures the end with a pin
Luckily, most of you are too fucking stupid to realize My brother does illegal abortions
what a sweet deal you've got, and willingly lay out addi- My God, how the money rolls in.
tional bucks for lame adventures and supplements and
crap, because you don't have the brains to come up with Using Experience Points
your own ideas, but still. The basic transaction here sucks. Simple as pie. The gamemaster gives you, say, three experi-
Hence the Experience Point System™, possi- ence points, spend 'em to increase your skill levels. One
bly the most flagrantly money-grubbing aspect of any skill level per experience points. Spend all three to bump

15
 a skill rating by 3, or to increase three different skills by What Is The Designer's Attitude Toward Drugs?
one each, or, well, you can figure it out, I guess. 1. They can be fun.
If the gamemaster feels like being a pain, he can pre- 2. Most of them are fucking illegal, and you really don't
vent you from increasing any skill above 15 without "train- want to spend the next several years in the Big House as
ing". Training can either consist of some other player with the homosexual fuckslave of a large, tattooed gentleman
the skill at a higher level than you spending some time named Bruno.
teaching you shit, or it can involve finding someone to 3. No, the police have no sense of humor about this.
train you and spending time and bucks. 4. Most illegal drugs are addictive to a greater or lesser
degree. Being addicted to an expensive, highly illegal sub-
Awarding Experience Points stance with deleterious health effects does not strike me
Basically, as gamemaster, when you come up with an ad- as desirable.
venture, you should decide how many experience points 5. By and large, it isn't fucking worth it. Stick with alcohol.
you're going to give people for finishing the adventure— It's quite as dangerous, and as pleasurable, as any other
maybe a small quantity if they fuck up, and a somewhat drug I've tried, and it has the great advantage of being legal,
larger quantity if they're incredibly successful. I suggest 2 reasonably cheap, and readily available.
points, on average, per player, for a typical adventure. More 6. Plus, it hasn't been cut with boric acid, and you're not
if it's long and tough, less if it's a 15 minute kill-em-and-roll- going to catch a dose of AIDS from a dirty pint glass.
em special. But 1 don't really care that much; give 'em more 7. No, I'm no? going to say "Just Say No." Educate yourself
or less, if you want a high-powered campaign or a low-skill and make an informed decision.
one. It's all the same to me, particularly if you paid for the
Official Experience Point™ certificates. A Pharmacopia
I also suggest giving everybody a point or two just for Actually, the hell with it. It's not like this is the 50s or even
being a warm body (and surviving), and allocate the rest the 70s: information on every kind of mind-screwing
on the basis of merit, meaning extra bennies for doing cool substances is no longer hidden away behind scare-stories
or particularly vile and offensive things, or whatever. that one 'drag' on a 'reefer' will addict you for life; names,
One thing, though. Try not to give points to assholes. If street terms and descriptions of effects are given out on
the bastard has spend the entire game getting on your the evening news like some kind of commercial for the
nerves and picking fights with the other players, well, who stuff. Alcohol, dope, grass, hash, blow cocaine, crack,
needs that crap? speed, whiz, meth, crystal meth, heroin, morphine, ec-
stasy.... You either know what most of them do, or you
Drugs think you do—which, given that this is meant to be a role-
playing game and not a catalog, boils down to pretty
Just Say, Upon Careful Consideration of the Facts, Tak- much the same thing. All that matters is that this game is
ing the Evident Pleasures to be Gained Thereby, Together meant to be set in the real world, so PCs can do,what
with the Obvious Dangers and Legal Ramifications, I've people really do with drugs: either get out of their addled
Concluded That I'd Rather Not, If It's All the Same to You— skulls on them or sell them. (However, there are no rules
Although, Be My Guest, Indulge, It's Really None of My for game-money giving you experience points. As we've
(or the fucking state's) Business. said, in that takes real money.)
Hen. But no: we will say a small word about Methamphet-
Some years ago, I worked on a supplement to Paranoia amine. Not exactly fashionable these days but still: meth
that included rules for drugs in the Paranoia universe. is highly addictive, more so than heroin. When on meth,
Despite the fact that those drugs were entirely imaginary you're active and up and have little appetite, meaning
(and goofily so), the publisher started getting nervous you're consuming body reserves; when you crash, you
about the reaction of "the public" (or, actually, of certain tend to be depressed, lethargic, and extremely hungry.
asshole distributors who shall remain nameless), and Habitual users tend to neglect diet and health. Heavy
wanted to pull the piece entirely. I made a counter-pro- users risk damaged blood vessels and heart failure (a real
posal; instead of deleting the article, I'd just go through it problem for people who already have high blood pres-
and change the word "drug" throughout to "marsupial." sure or heart trouble); heart attacks and strokes are like-
And I'd give each of the drugs the name of a marsupial lier if the drug is used during strenuous exercise (e.g.,
(koala, kangaroo, and so on). Then, we could have little dancing at a rave). Regular users who take high doses
computer monitors sprinkled through the text saying may develop delusions, hallucinations and feelings of
things like "Hey, kid... Wanna score some marsupials?" paranoia. These can develop into to model cases of para-
I thought this was kind of funny, but the publisher had noid psychosis from which it may take many months to
an attack of common sense, and decided to run the piece recover or which may be permanent.
as is, sticking a thing at the front saying "We Don't Con- In other words, meth can give you a stroke or heart
done the Use of Drugs." attack, and even drive you literally insane. Cool, huh?
Well, shit. This product isn't supposed to be sold to Sounds like the drug of choice for our merry psycho band.
kids anyway. And I mean, we got rules for cutting people's
heads off with circular saws, torture, and violent rape. I Finding Drugs
mean given that, you're gonna get hot under the collar This is not particularly difficult. If a character wants to
about discussion of illegal recreational pharmaceuticals? find drugs, make a Drug Lore skill roll. You may wish to
Still, I suppose some sort of comment is due here. modify it for neighborhood, e.g., finding drugs in South

16
LA is going to be a lot easier than finding them in Beverly Alcohol dulls the reaction to pain; consequently, when
Hills. Not that drugs aren't readily available in Beverly a character is seriously dull, use a die one level smaller
Hills, mind you, it's just that you aren't likely to stumble when rolling for pain damage.
across people on the street who mutter "Smoke, smoke" When crashing from a meth, coke, or MDMA high (or
at you as you pass. hungover), make all skill usage one die worse. Maybe even
You should make the roll yourself, someplace the more than that, if they were really fucked up. Similarly,
player doesn't see. If he really blows the roll—maximum withdrawal will degrade your skill use if addicted.
roll on the die, or a roll at least 5 above his skill level—
something nasty happens. What that means is up to the Addiction and Withdrawal
gamemaster; he might buy stuff that isn't actually a drug Even for highly addictive drugs like meth, a single use isn't
(oregano in place of pot, milk sugar in place of smack), going to cause addiction. It's got to be sustained over a
or maybe it's cut until it might as well be oregano or milk period of time. Some characters begin play addicted; it's up
sugar, or maybe it's cut with something nasty—or maybe to the gamemaster's judgment when a PC starts to feel
the deal is a set-up, and the dealer is actually a narc. withdrawal upon lack of drug use.
PCs, if they have any sense, will use drugs in reason- Withdrawal symptoms can include lethargy, irritability,
ably private locations, like the kitchen of somebody anxiety, hyperkinetic activity, sweats, shakes, severe crav-
they've just murdered. If blatantly using drugs in public ing, insomnia, a crawling sensation on the skin, hallucina-
(like, setting up to inject yourself or smoking reefer), in- tions, and even actual physical pain. The intensity of
crease the Police Harassment number by 5. And when withdrawal symptoms depends on the degree of addiction,
high, increase the Police Harassment number by 1 to 3, the level of drugs remaining in the blood stream and, of
depending on how obviously fucked up they are. course, individual biology. A couple of weeks "clean" is
normally sufficient to eliminate physical craving, but (a)
Effects on Skills and Combat the ability to feel pleasure can be affected for years af-
Meth and coke actually improve your reaction time; let terward, and (b) the user may still feel a strong desire for
the character use a die one level better than normal in the drug in question.
combat, or for other skills that are based on reaction time I'll leave specifics up to you.
when high (unless completely zonked, of course).
Alcohol, pot, MDMA, and smack degrade your reac- Roleplaying Effects
tion time; make the character use a die one level worse Players are, of course, encouraged to roleplay the effects
for such things. Maybe more, if they're really flying. of drugs and/or withdrawal symptoms in their characters;

17
this section provides, I believe, enough information to piece of metal into your gut, well, you won't find it as
allow them to do so. entertaining as a session of AD&D®. Contrariwise, you'd
actually rather get laid than play some stupid game about
Fucking getting laid. But BDSM... For the vast majority of the popu-
lation, it's something more interesting to fantasize about
Okay, so let's think about this. What kind of sex are we than experience; it takes a particular kink actually to ex-
talking about? We sure as hell aren't talking about roman- perience pain as erotic. Or for that matter, to juggle af-
tic tumbles on the beach or amid satin sheets, photo- fection and aggression in a way that both parties find the
graphed through a gel lens to give it all that warm, fuzzy, results appealing. Ergo, unlike most other forms of sex, a
erotic look. We're talking about characters who are de- BDSM roleplaying game probably would find a market.
graded, abusive monsters. So we're talking about rape. So... In that case, why should I include all that stuff
Sexual enslavement. Erotic torture. It's an ugly picture. here? Christ, man, I can sell you another product! Besides
Indeed, the image of a bunch of overweight, undersexed, which, it's a long and dishonorable tradition to save
unbathed gamers sitting around, drooling while they tell important game features for supplements the little bastards
themselves what they're doing to the 'bitch' is equally then feel compelled to run out and buy. Thus:
repulsive. Homoerotic, in a way, yes? Getting each other
hot and bothered while imagining some poor woman being
tortured and raped. I'm not at all sure I want to encourage
this kind of crap. Actually, I'm absolutely positive that I
don't. But then we're supposed to be wallowing in the muck,
aren't we? Catering to these repulsive adolescent fanta-
sies. If we must, we must.
But... Wait. There's so much material here. Bondage
and discipline. Sadomasochism. Dominance and submis-
sion. Power exchange. Public exposure. Verbal humiliation. And no, Wallis, I'm not actually committing to design the fucking
Tit and clit torture. Cock and ball torture, for that matter. thing. Just goofing on the dweebs here. Although you know—
Hot oil, wax, ice. Spanking, flogging, crops and canes. Erotic it would sell... If you could get anyone to stock it.
cutting. Watersports. Animals. Orgasm control. Body modi-
fication. Hand-cuffs, ties, spreader bars... Nipple clamps... I
mean, my god, there's enough stuff for a whole game here. Blood
I mean, think of the equipment those BDSM assholes use; It's red. It carries oxygen to your body. There are several
there are catalogs of this stuff. As a friend of mine who quarts of gore in a person. It tends to leak out when you cut
used to work as managing editor for a porn publisher says, holes in people. It clots into a gooey, disgusting mess. You
"Sadomasochists are the technologists of the porn world." can make blood sausage out of it. Direct blood-to-blood
More than enough stuff to fill a game's equipment list. Hell, contact is a primary vector of AIDS. You're going to see a
enough to spawn whole equipment book supplements. lot of it in this game. What more do you want to know?
In fact—what a great idea! A BDSM roleplaying game.
We could call it... Heh. I have it: Dungeons & Discipline.
Better ™ that. Whips and chains and hand-cuffs, oh my. Decent, Law-Abiding
Those drooling idiots will lap it up.
And hey, if Vampire can find a cross-over audience Citizens
among Goths, why can't I among the BDSM crowd? There Multiple choice question:
probably aren't as many of them as there are Goths... but Is the purpose of this rules section to:
you never know; Goths tend to be pretty public about their a) Provide things for the characters to kill, in the time-
interests, but BDSM people tend to be a lot more private, honored fashion of roleplaying games everywhere;
for damned good reason. b) Provide people for you depraved bastards to de-
And the research could be entertaining, heh heh. Not grade, torture, and murder, allowing you to get your rocks
many people can write that off as a tax deduction. Although off through vicarious violence, thereby pandering to your
come to think of it, I don't really want to try to explain to the basest and most despicable desires;
nice man from the IRS that yes, all those credit card receipts c) Bring you face to face with the morarimplications of
from The Pleasure Chest and my repeated visits to La your actions, hoping against hope that somehow you will
Maison du Sade and The Vault are indeed legitimate understand how nauseating this all is, while despondently
business expenses.... realizing that in all likelihood you'll miss the point entirely
I've long said that sex games never sell, because games and merely go "hurr hurr hurr" in imitation of those doyens
are, by and large, fantasies that allow you to explore some- of inane jocularity (for it surely can't be termed humor),
thing you don't really want to do in real life. I mean, playing Beavis & Bullhead',
a game on the Battle of Waterloo can be fun, but you or d) All of the above?
assuredly would prefer not to have to walk straight into
withering cannon fire in a tight-packed formation with a
bunch of your best buds. Fantasy RPGs can be fun, but if Descriptions
you ever find yourself face-to-face with some bastard in Obviously, there are 8 million stories in the naked city,
chainmail who's attempting to stick a large, sharpened and 15 mil in the LA basin alone. So the handful of de-

18
scriptions here are totally inadequate to explore the vast Skills:
variety of human existence in this, the most varied of Sing Along with the Radio: 15
centuries and this, the most varied of nations. But it'll get Blush Prettily: 15
you started. What I'm trying to do, of course, is provide a Smile Though Her Heart is Breaking: 15
sense of the interior life of these people—to show that Wait On Table: 8 (no wonder the tips are lousy)
their senseless murder is a tragic waste of human poten- Slop the Hogs: 15
tial. When inventing your own NPCs, do likewise. Handgun: 12 (yes, Daddy taught her how to shoot a
gun. Too bad she doesn't have one.)
Country Girl
She's just out of college. She came to the big city full of Dinks
hope and dreams for her future. She daydreams of meeting That's "double-income, no kids," right? They're in the 20s
the right guy (or, less frequently, the right woman) and or 30s, they both have high-paying jobs that require them
experiencing the kind of deep, romantic love she's only to don business dress every morning, they live in a large
read about (certainly her bickering parents didn't ever share apartment that's decorated in some interior decorator's
such a thing). She waits tables or does mind-deadening expensive taste, and they spend the bulk of their income
HTML hackwork or copyedits manuscripts while waiting on meals out, shows, and frequent vacations abroad.
for her big break as an actress/writer/rock 'n' roll singer. They're essentially frivolous and take very little seriously,
She's just so tickled pink to be living in the city that it hasn't and it will take them a while to understand that they can't
yet occurred to her that she's pay way too much to live in a negotiate or buy their way out of this particular nightmare.
roach-infested hovel and that the odds of achieving even a They are, of course, reasonably toned, spending several
tenth of what she dreams of are only marginally greater hours a week at an expensive health club, but have no real
here than in the shitass hickville she finally managed to experience with actual combat. The own lots of stuff, so
escape. She lives alone, or with one or two other women in looting their apartment is really worthwhile; of course, they
essentially identical circumstances. She's beautiful, she's also live in a doorman building, so getting in is non-trivial.
sweet, she's charming, and she's doomed to disappoint- Characteristics:
ment, and anyone other than you loathsome fuckheads Strength: 14
would be touched. But I imagine you'll gangrape her until Threshold of Pain: 8
she bleeds, then steal her pathetic little stash of cheap Constitution: 14
jewellery. Intimidation: 10
Characteristics: It hardly matters. Everything Else: 12
Skills: years from now, or he'll get tired of living this way, clean
Obtain Reservation at 4-Star Restaurant: 18 himself up, and wind up as an investment banker. He won't
Locate Charming B&B: 16 be entirely surprised that people like the PCs exist, since
Ski: 15 he's cynical and depressed as a life-style choice, but as
Stock Market Lore: 12 he has no great familiarity with violence, will do his best
Film & TV Lore: 15 to escape, abandoning his shit, which doesn't amount to
Business Management: 12 much anyway.
Hand-to-Hand Combat: 3 Characteristics: So roll.
Skills:
Illegals Electric Guitar: 12
They come from the Dominican Republic or Somalia or Drug Lore: 14
Russia or Guangdong province. They work in garment Tend Bar: 14
factories or as bus-boys or messengers or take-out deliv- Write/Music Composition/C++ Programming: 14
ery men. They live six to a room in a lousy area of town in Housework: 1
order to save on the rent. They send the bulk of their income
back home to people who live in even more squalid poverty Grandma
than they, hard as this is to believe. They hope one day to She was lucky; she survived, when the rest of her family
earn enough money that they can return home and live in perished in the deathcamps. The tattoo is still there, on her
reasonable comfort and marry someone nice, but in fact, upper arm, though as her flesh has wrinkled with age, it
they will spend their lives here, working at shit jobs, with has become less readable. She came to the States, she
no hope for advancement without a green card, until they married (her husband died some years ago), she lived a
get too old or Immigration catches up with them or they reasonably happy life—a bonus life, a life she had no right
accidentally slice off a hand on the cutting machine. In to expect, a life for which she is very grateful. She lives in
another age, they would be considered to exemplify the her little apartment now, holding on though it's increas-
nobility of the working man, but in our age, they're con- ingly hard for her to get about, for she has no desire to go
sidered dangerous aliens who take jobs away from Ameri- to one of those warehouses for the dying, those old age
cans and should be forcibly repatriated to their native "homes". She's tiny, white-haired, and frail; her apartment
land, never mind that they do shit jobs no American re- is filled with ancient furniture, the arms covered with
ally wants. They have damn-all worth stealing, but will antimacassars, bric-a-brac on every available surface. She
that stop our fuckhead player-characters? misses her grandchildren, who are old enough to be in or
Characteristics: Roll 3D6-2 for each (the minus is because out of college now, and the high point of her existence is
of poor nutrition in childhood). when one of them calls or visits. She doesn't have that
Skills: many years left to live, but she never considered that it
Gabble Incomprehensibly in Foreign Tongue: 20 would end at the hands of people who might as well be
English: 4 Nazis.
Slice Pizza/Operate Sewing Machine/Bus Tables: 15 Characteristics:
Evade Immigration: 15 Strength: 3
Drive Cab: 6 Threshold of Pain: 18 (it takes some effort to inflict pain
Hand-to-Hand Combat (men only): 12 that's worse than her arthritis, which she deals with
I mean, if they had any skills worth speaking of, they every day)
wouldn't be in this fix in the first place. Constitution: 6
Intimidation: 16
A Member of the Hipeousie Everything Else: 12
He's got a shaven head and eyebrow rings and a Celtic- Skills:
pattern tattoo about his upper arm. The walls of his room Mah-Jongg: 16
are stacked with books—he never bothered to get shelves. Cooking: 25
He sleeps on a filthy futon on the floor. He wears black, or Obscure Mid-20th Century Left-Wing Political Lore: 15
baggy jeans and a highly-colored t-shirt in the techno Housework: 20
fashion. He's got a small TV and a Playstation console and Make Offspring Feel Guilty: 25
a Stratocaster. He works as a bartender or HTML hack or
freelance web journalist to bring in enough bucks to pay Bin Laden Cell
the rent and the tab at the bar, but his real interest is in his We have to give the PCs a nasty surprise every once in a
rock band or the roman-a-clefhe's writing or the computer while. Externally, this looks like just another hovel, a
game he works on in his spare time. His bathroom is be- cramped apartment where a dozen or so immigrants live.
yond filthy, the toilet bowl covered with grime, the mold And it is, more or less, except that these immigrants have
on the walls beginning to get furry. His apartment con- an enormous stash of firearms, rocket launchers, grenades,
tains a diverse ecology—at least six distinct species of hand-held surface-to-air missiles, improvised poison gas
cockroach and waterbug, plus mice and the occasional munitions (never mix chlorine bleach and ammonia), and
rat. He subsists largely on takeout Chinese and cheap explosives. Their rooms are extremely neat; each bunk has
Ukrainian. He gets laid a lot more often than you do. Within a prayer mat beneath it, and framed, calligraphed quotations
three years, he'll either have achieved some kind of mod- from the Koran are on every wall—except for the wall
est cult success, in which case he'll still be like this twenty where the blueprints from the World Trade Center/Holly-

20
wood Bowl/Sears Tower/Washington Monument/what- A Yuppie of an Unexpected Kind
ever are mounted. Another potentially nasty surprise for the PCs... Unless
Roll 3D6 to see how many of the soldiers of Allah are you know him well, you'd think he was just another yup, a
present; they all have high-powered firearms to hand, and PERL programmer perhaps, or a publicist for a film stu-
are extremely displeased that the privacy of their sanc- dio. Maybe you'd note he's a little more buff than your
tum has been violated, because they're going to have to average geek. You might see him skating away from his
transport all this crap to a new location. They would far apartment building, sometime, with a long cylindrical case
rather kill minions of the Great Satan than these assholes, on his back—and not realize that he's carrying his saber
but they're also quite certain they don't want anyone to and epee, he's been fencing for years and trains daily at
know what they're up to, and will do their best to ensure Tiger Schulman karate. He runs and inline skates and skis;
that the PCs die. They are heavily armed, reasonably well he's a jock, but not a jock of the team sports kind. And
trained, and perfectly willing to die since they are assured he's quite capable of calmly breaking your arm, or run-
of immortality in Paradise, so they've got a pretty good ning you through with his foil. His apartment isn't in the
chance of achieving their objective. best area of town; it's conveniently placed for a commute,
Characteristics: and reasonably cheap, so breaking in is certainly feasible.
Varies, of course; roll. Characteristics:
Skills: Strength: 18
Islamic Lore: 25 Threshold of Pain: 14
Machine Weapons: 18 Constitution: 16
Handgun: 16 Intimidation: 10
Unarmed Combat: 12 Everything Else: 12
Torture: 10 Skills:
Cook (Halal meats only): 12 Sword-Fighting: 25
Hand-to-Hand Combat: 25
Fuck Fad Skating: 20
The guy who lives here is mid-20s and got rich quickly—an Skiing: 18
investment banker or rap musician or web entrepreneur. Knife-Fighting: 12
He's a cocky bastard, and has modified this large, expensive Web Technology/Public Relations/Whatever: 18
one-bedroom apartment into his own personal erotic
fantasy. The bedroom is one single huge sunken bed; the Mom with Small Children
walls and ceiling are mirrored. He's installed a wet-bar in She's in her early 30s, she's rather tired because her young-
the living room. Instead of a conventional couch, he has a 8' est still doesn't sleep through the night reliably. She stays
x 8' x 3' piece of foam rubber that's had indentations and at home to take care of the kids, because she can't quite
armrests carved into it, to make a huge couch-like object bring herself to trust the darlings to a stranger, even though
where a half dozen people can lounge about in various she and her husband could dearly use the additional
positions; the rubber is draped with silk parachute fabric. income, and she sorely misses the satisfaction of her work.
(This is directly modelled on a couch Andy Warhol had at She is prone to fits of depression, for she is here, with the
the Silver Factory.) In short, any sensible woman entering kids, most of the day, and has little opportunity for con-
this apartment would giggle and leave, but he manages tact with adults. Those she does see are largely parents
to find a surprising number of women devoid of sense. like herself, their conversations center on the children,
There will be a considerable stash of coke, perhaps and she is basically bored out of her skull most of the
with a little pot, somewhere about. It would be like the guy time. Yet she loves the little sweeties, and if she must sac-
to have a pistol somewhere, too, particularly if he's a rapper. rifice some years of her life to bring them up properly, to
In fact, a rapper might have more impressive armament. ensure that they have the love and attention they need at
The apartment is actually pretty bare—he doesn't spend this critical stage in their growth, she is willing to make
much time here, except to sleep or fuck—but he does that sacrifice. She's reasonably attractive, although she
have an impressively expensive home entertainment sys- wears plain, comfortable clothes, and lack of sleep has
tem. The fridge is empty except for a bottle of champagne not improved her looks. Her race is immaterial.
and a lone jar of mustard. Her two small children—one aged three, the other aged
Characteristics: six—are cute, trusting, and bouncy. They are quite old
Strength: 14 (he works out) enough to understand that you're hurting mommy, that
Threshold of Pain: 7 (fundamentally, he's a wuss) mommy is bleeding, that mommy is dying, that you are very
Constitution: 12 bad men, that you are going to hurt them, that the world is,
Intimidation: 16 (part of his stock-in-trade, in business) contrary to their entire life experience to date, a cruel,
Everything Else: 12 vicious, Satanic place filled with evil monsters who laugh
Skills: maniacally while performing deeds of unimaginable horror.
Sports Lore: 18 Assuming they survive meeting you, their entire lives from
Pick Up Bimbo: 16 this date forward will be warped in unforseeable ways by
Drug Lore: 10 this unspeakably vile encounter.
Financial Analysis/Music Composition/Web Technology: 16 Characteristics: Whatever.
Fly Fishing/Basketball/Bicycling: 15 Skills:
Handgun: 6, but 12 for the rapper. Kiss Ouchie And Make It Better: 15

21
 Sing Sweet Little Songs: 15 you a question. That ore—you know, the ore in that room
Imaginative Play: 15 in the dungeon, you open the door, there's an ore there.
Cuddling: 15 He looks up, a bunch of heavily armed h u m a n
Fight Like a Tigress to Defend Her Offspring: 10 (un- motherfuckers are charging into the room waving weap-
fortunately, no higher, sigh) ons. What's he supposed to do? Smile broadly and say
Accountancy, Public Relations, Financial Analysis, or "Hey, mi casa es su casa, amigos!"? No, he whimpers with
some other useful job-related skill she can't, for obvious fear, pulls out his pigsticker, and prepares to meet his
reasons, use effectively at present: 15 doom. I wanna know about his childhood. Are you telling
me he doesn't have friends who are going to miss him?
Ores That he didn't have hopes and fears and aspirations of
Now—before you put this away, either "hurr hurr"ing like his own? That you aren't a bunch of fucking degraded
an asshole, or feeling vaguely disturbed, I want to ask monsters for wasting him without a second thought?
You're playing a fucking role, okay, you're supposed to
act like a real character in this world. And yet you saunter
around, killing intelligent creatures like they're just another
widget, a bunch of pixels to blow away, a mechanism for
obtaining experience points and treasure.
That isn't roleplaying. Not as I understand it.

Here's what 1 want to do. I want to go into a Quake®

deathmatch. And I want to strip down to a loincloth, sit
down on the floor with a begging bowl, and call after the
lunatics with the plasma guns as they flee past me, say-
ing, "It is all samsara, it is all illusion, my friend" — for
truly it is, pixels on a screen. "Reject the fleeting tempta-
tions here, what profiteth you another kill? There is an-
other path."
And I want him to turn, think twice—and then I will
smile benevolently as he tosses a rocket my way, blows
me to my reincarnation as my peaceful self—and he runs
on, and kills and kills again, quad damage, armor, another
clip, heal and heal and blammo to the floor—until finally
he turns, lays down his gun, and sits by me, asking me to
teach. And then one by one, the players shall gather by
me, sitting, assuming the lotus position, touching the
ground in the earth-witness gesture, letting their thoughts
still, contemplating that strange Quake sky as it streams
overhead, peaceful, in unity, transforming this one, small,
cyberrealm of unending war and mayhem into harmony.
Sigh.
Right.
I wanna be a shooter bhoddisatva, baby.
Man, I am so full of shit.

The Pigs
Mostly, the people the PCs meet don't put up much op-
position. They're normal people. They aren't prepared
to encounter brutal sadistic monsters. They exist, from
the PCs' perspective, to be brutalized, raped, and killed
for the experience points, just like in D&D®. Oh, every
once in a while they'll run up some guy with a gun, or a
veteran with weapons, or something of the kind; but most
of the time, their main opposition is the police.
In a crowded city, there are many eyes. All it takes is
one of them to see the PCs doing something vile, and
decide to pick up the phone.

Know Thy Enemy

Let's start with the Police Worldview.
To the Enforcers of Public Order, there are four cat-
egories of people:
Scum grettable and understandable little violation of normal po-
That is to say, perps. All of your PCs, for instance, but a lice procedures like, say, shooting an unarmed and de-
large proportion of the population in certain neighborhoods fenseless man 41 times in "self-defense", or shoving a
as well. The police know full well that their main job is to nightstick up some perp's rectum, resulting in massive
catch Scum in the act of doing something illegal, then to internal bleeding and the need for immediate medical
seize them, preferably applying some Judicious Force in attention. Indeed, to fail to protect a fellow cop under
the process, and ensuring that they have a nice, long stay such circumstances will result in your ostracism from the
in publically-provided rest facilities. Scum are scum, and community of Law Enforcement Officers, and such fail-
anything you can get away with in the process of catching ure is deemed understandable only if the alternative is
them is justifiable, albeit you do have to keep the Ethical dire, e.g., you'll be jailed for perjury if you don't testify.
Control Officers and suchlike in mind. A subcategory of Cop is Bad Cop. A Bad Cop is not
someone who shoves his nightstick up the rectum of a
Potential Scum Scum, or shoots an unarmed suspect 41 times. That kind of
These are people who appear to be scum, but since the world thing is merely indicative of a natural excess of enthusiasm,
is unjust, must be treated like citizens until you've got a which will surely be tempered by experience. No, a Bad
reasonable justification for treating them otherwise. Potential Cop is someone who lets Scum perpetrate crimes in ex-
scum include anyone who falls into these categories: change for money (or sex, or some other inducement).
Black people Bad Cops are, of course, still Cops, and must be protected,
Hispanic people but if you are a Good Cop, you do your best not to be
Goths teamed with these guys, or to get them transferred to an-
Punks other precinct so you don't have to deal with them.
Ravers
Teenagers in general (cute girls exempted) Types of Pigs
Fags and Dykes We generally needn't bother too much about the interior
Anyone wearing a black leather jacket (suede ex- life of cops; they're a lot likelier to be shooting at our
empted) unless they look notably collegiate perps than chatting with them. So some simple rules to
Anyone with unusual piercings or tattoos generate cops are advisable.
Anyone wearing a t-shirt advertising: rap, heavy metal,
or techno musicians; a videogame; a comic book; an General-Issue Pig
unusual sexual preference; or an illegal substance Cops tend to be selected for the characteristics we've
In other words, 'potential scum' is a large and encompass- chosen as important in the game. So:
ing category, comprising the majority of the population in Characteristics: Strength: 3D6+2; Threshold of Pain: 3D6+2;
some neighborhoods. Constitution: 3D6+2; Intimidation: 3D6+2; Everything Else:
Please note that the Police Weltanschaung is all-encom- 2D6
passing, and quickly adopted even by cops who fall into Skills: Handgun: 10+1D10; Unarmed Combat: 10+1D6; the
one of these categories, e.g., a black policeman may be Cosh: 10+1D6; 3Rs: 10+1D10; Driving: 10+1D10; Sports
marginally less likely to assume that all black people are Lore: 15+1D6; Law: 10+1D10; Underworld Lore: 10+1D6
potential scum, but only marginally. Equipment: Police .38 automatic, nightstick, mace, walkie-
Potential scum are subject to random questioning by talkie unless in a squad car (in which case there's a police
the police and, if the police have anything they can remotely radio in the car). Uniform, of course; often a Kevlar vest
justify as 'probable cause,' to random search as well. (although some cops don't like it and will "forget" it at
times).
Citizens Number Appearing: They mostly travel in pairs, although
Citizens are people who pay taxes. They probably know I've seen single cops walking a beat at times.
who their city councilperson is. If you stop and question Behavior: Cop cars are usually over-engined Chevy Ca-
them, they are likely to take your damned badge number prices. Typically, three or four other cars can show up as
and file a complaint with someone. They are, of course, backup within a few minutes, and the longer you wait,
stupid sheep, but it is a cop's job to protect them from the more backup you can get. Might take a few days for
Scum. Citizens include (a) people who look like white, the mayor to persuade the governor to call up the Na-
blue- or white-collar suburbanites, the kind of people who tional Guard, though, but I can't imagine the PCs being
might live down the street from the cop himself, or (b) clever enough to get it to that level. Now, forget all those
people in business dress. Business dress will pretty much goddamn cop shows you've watched on TV. These guys
automatically promote you into the 'citizen' category, are not clever crime-solving detectives, pitting themselves
which is why you see so many well-dressed black people in a war of wits against the underworld. They're basically
on the streets. It's about the only way to protect them- a bunch of lower middle-class, barely literate morons. I
selves from arbitrary police harassment. mean, you don't tend to get a lot of Harvard grads in the
force. There are exceptions, certainly, like my high school
Cops buddy, hmm, better not use his name, actually, I'm sure
Then, of course, there are cops. Cops are Of Our Tribe. he'd really prefer not to be associated with this product
They are Good. They must be protected at all costs, even in any way, but he got a degree in classics at Columbia,
at the expense of the sheep, I mean, the Citizens. They then decided he wanted to join the NYPD. They rejected
must be protected even if they do something that's a re- him on psycho grounds, initially, I think because they fig-

23
ured that any Ivy League grad who wanted to be a cop 15+1D6; Underworld Lore: 15+1D6; Acting & Disguise:
was obviously fucking nuts, but he appealed and got in. 15+1D6
He's probably the only cop on the force who can write a Equipment: Police .38 automatic (in a shoulder-holster,
parking ticket in Babylonian cuneiform. But I digress. concealed under a jacket or shirt)—usually, but sometimes
Anyway, the point is, don't expect really bright behavior even that is dispensed with for the sake of authenticity.
from these guys (and gals). Thankfully, most criminals Civilian dress. Sometimes outfitted for a sting (like, lying
are fucking idiots, too, or they'd find a better way to make drunkenly in a train with disheveled clothes, in the hope
a living. Remind me to tell you about the cretin who held that someone will try to roll you). Most other equipment is
me at gunpoint in the offices of a game publisher, some- dispensed with as being too obvious, but they do carry a
time. badge, because otherwise how can you expect perps to
Gender: Roll 1D10; 1-8 = male, 9-10 = female, but if one of believe that you actually are a cop when you try to arrest
a pair is female, there's a 50% chance that her partner is them? Or to have other cops believe you actually are what
female too. you claim when something nasty happens.
Race: This depends on the composition of your local force, Behavior: A single undercover cop may appear alone, but
but if you want a table: he never is. There's someone around for backup—maybe
1D100 roll race another undercover cop, maybe a uniformed cop, maybe
01-75 white people he can summon quickly via a cellphone.
76-85 black Race: A higher proportion of blacks and Hispanics. I sup-
86-95 Latino/a pose you'll want another table, goddamn it; you know,
96-99 Asian I'm just making this stuff up, why can't you? Or did you
00 other (Native American, actually think 1 did any research?
Pacific Islander, etc.) 1D 100 roll race
If Latino/a, you should assume some Spanish skill. 01-60 white
61-77 black
Chopper Copper 78-94 Latino/a
Same as above, but add: 95-99 Asian
Skills: Motorcycle: 10+1D10 00 other (Native American,
Equipment: Motorcycle, helmet, leather jacket. Pacific Islander, etc.)
Number Appearing: Frequently travel by their lonesome.
Narc
Bike Pig A member of the narcotics squad. Normal cops'll certainly
Not all cities have these. Same as General-Issue Pig, but arrest people on drug charges, when possible, but these
add: guys are specifically charged with uncovering drug ship-
Characteristics: Make Strength 4D6, cause these guys get a ments and sales. As a result, they tend to be the most
lot of exercise. corrupt cops on the force, since they have ready access to
Skills: Bicycle: 10+1D10 people who have a strong incentive to bribe them and
Equipment: Bike, bike helmet, that stupid tight-fighting bike will earn enormous profits if the cops just leave them
clothing, air pump, some basic tools. alone. Stats are basically identical to GI Pigs, except they
Behavior: Usually travel in pairs. Among other things, they're have readier access to heavier weapons, e.g., sub-
trained to throw their bike at a perp, if necessary, to knock machineguns.
him down. Most often found in parks.
Auxiliary Pigs
Horsey Pig These are the cop equivalent of the Guard and Reserve.
Most towns don't have these any more, but New York does. They aren't actually cops, they put on a uniform and wander
They're actually pretty useful in crowd and riot control. As streets and parks, usually on the weekends but sometimes
per General Issue Pig, but: at other times, too. They receive a little training, but not
Skills. Horsey Riding: 10+1D10 much. They're supposed to call for real cops if anything
Equipment: Horse; saddle, bridle, and all that equine shit. I real happens, but you have to look pretty close at the
suspect their nightsticks are longer than usual, too, so uniform (or notice that they aren't carrying guns) to realize
they can more easily reach down and club defenseless they aren't the real thing. Some of them are actually into
protesters. it; some join for goofy reasons (like my friend Kim-the-
Gender: I suspect that there are a higher proportion of sows artist, who joined the horsey police auxiliary so she could
(female pig, get it, get it, okay, you're right, it's fucking lame) ride for free in Central Park).
here, given the well-known enthusiasm for horses felt by Characteristics: 3D6 for everything, like a normal person,
many girls. I mean, learning to control a large, dumb ani- which they are.
mal will come in handy after you get married. Skills: Whatever you want.
Equipment: Nightstick, uniform, badge. No gun.
Undercover Pig Everything else is same as for GI Pigs.
We assume these guys are slightly more on the ball, or why
would they be assigned to this duty? As per GI Pig, but: Pig Lieutenant
Characteristics: Everything Else: 3D6 A little older, a little smarter, a little more knowledgeable.
Skills: Handgun: 15+1D6; Unarmed Combat: 10+1D10; Law: As per GI pig, but:

24
Characteristics: Everything at 3D6—the strength and such Cosh: 15+1D6; 3Rs: 10+1D10; Driving: 15+1D10; Sports
is no longer higher on average, cause they're older. And Lore: 15+1D6; Law: 10+1D10; Underworld Lore: 10+1D6
'everything else' gets three full dice cause they're a little Equipment: Hey, whaddaya know, the Times actually ran
smarter. a piece about SWAT teams today, so I can tell you, for
Skills: Handgun: 12+1D10; Unarmed Combat: 12+1D6; The real, what they carry. Each SWAT pig has a ballistic vest
Cosh: 10+lD6;3Rs: 15+1D10; Driving: 15+1D10; Sports Lore: or body armor; Kevlar helmet; fire-retardant jump-suit and
15+lD6;Law: 15+1D10; Underworld Lore: 15+1D6; Gang Lore: gloves; boots, kneepads, and elbow pads; 9mm semiau-
15+1D6. And toss in a few extra skills for purposes of dif- tomatic handgun; shoulder-fired submachinegun like
ferentiation. Heckler & Koch MP-5 (treat as Uzi-equivalent); light at-
Equipment: Civilian clothes of the "dowdy suit" variety. Gun tachments for both guns; gas mask; radio headset; climb-
in shoulder-holster. No nightstick or mace. Probably no ing and rappelling gear.
kevlar vest, unless walking into a "situation." Car with no They tool around the streets in an armored van
markings and a little portable red gumball thing you can (though some cities have APCs as well), which contains
stick on the roof. ballistic shields, high-intensity lamps, sledgehammer, bat-
Behavior: The main thing is that the other pigs will do what tering rams, halligan tools—I have no idea what that is—
he (or rarely she) says, so they'll co-ordinate a bit better. a hydraulic jamb-spreader, a firefighter's chain saw, exo-
thermic cutting torches, chemical grenades, baton or
SWAT Teams "beanbag" rounds and dedicated launchers, and flash-
Killing people like the PCs is precisely what SWAT teams bang grenades.
are for, so the PCs are likely to see a lot of them, especially I have to assume they can bring up extra equipment
if they try to take hostages. They're butch-er and better and specialists when necessary and there's available time,
trained than your average pig, they have access to incredibly e.g., sharpshooters with sniper rifles.
powerful weaponry, and they operate in substantial teams Behavior: One of the team is its commander; they co-or-
with decent leadership. dinate well. They're gung-ho nutcases who're just itch-
Number Appearing: 1D12. ing to use some of the cool stuff in the van. They're aware
Characteristics: 4D6 for everything, except for Everything they aren't supposed to blow up civilians, but so long as
Else, which is 2D6+1. they can justify their actions, they're keen on blowing
Skills: Handgun: 12+1D10; Machine Weapons: 15+1D10; things up real good, shooting off a lot of rounds, and en-
Rocket Launcher: 10+1D10; Sniper Rifle: 15+1D10; Explo- suring that the perps don't escape. They often show up
sive Munitions: 10+1D10; Unarmed Combat: 15+1D6; The with a negotiator, who's supposed to talk to the perps

25
and get them to surrender (or, possibly, make some kind handgun, 5% chance of mace.
of deal with them, although this isn't too likely), so they Rich Person: $1D100 in cash. ATM card. 1D12 credit
get to play good-cop bad-cop with the negotiator. Like "I cards. Men have jewellery worth $1D1000; women have
don't know if I can hold the SWAT team off much longer, jewellery worth $3D1000. 10% chance of drugs worth
they're just itching to use these new sniper rifles with the $1D500. 40% chance of 1D3 portable electronic items. 2%
infrared scopes they got, claim they can kill you clean chance of a handgun, 5% chance of mace.
and quick with no danger to the hostages. So be nice boys Criminal: For cash, roll 1D100: 01-10, $1D50,000, and
and come out with your hands up, and we'll plea-bargain he's obviously in organized crime and boy is the syndi-
it down to second-degree murder." cate going to be pissed; 11-20, $1D10,000; 21-50, $3D1000;
51-75, $1D1000; 76-00, $1D100. 1D10 credit cards (none
Treasure of them his). No jewellery. 50% chance of drugs worth
$1D10,000. 1 portable electronic item (probably a
Hey, just like in D&D®! Bring me my +5 vorpal sub- beeper). 75% chance of a handgun. 50% chance of a knife.
machinegun with the dragon scope and mithril ammuni- 50% chance of some other weapon, at GM's discretion.
tion, page.
Treasure Explanation
Wandering Victim Tables Cash is obvtous.
Okay, so they whack someone on the street, what's he or ATM cards are worthless, unless you can torture the
she got? That's what this table is for, capice? passcode out of the person, or they're stupid enough to
write it on the back of the card or something. Even then,
Wandering Victim Treasure you gotta get to the cash machine before they cancel the
And here's what they got: card, and you can't extract more than a few hundred bucks
Bum: $1D6 in cash. 20% chance of drugs worth $1D100. a day, and a hidden camera will take your picture while you
Maybe a bottle of Night Train. do.
Poor Person: $2D100 in cash (they tend to carry a fair Credit Cards: Oh boy, an opportunity for another table.
bit of cash, because they tend not to have bank accounts
or credit cards). 10% chance of ATM card. 20% chance of Credit Card Table
1D2 credit cards. 50% chance of jewellery worth $1D100. 01-25 Visa
10% chance of drugs worth $1D100. 10% chance of 1 por- 26-40 MasterCard
table electronic item. 10% chance of a handgun. 30% 51-55 American Express
chance of mace. 56-60 Optima
Blue Collar Person: $1D100 in cash. 50% chance of 61-67 Discover
ATM card. 75% chance of 1D3 credit cards. Flip a coin to 68-69 Carte Blanche/Diners Club
determine gender: men have 50% chance of jewellery 70 JCB/Other Foreign
worth $1D50, women have jewellery worth $2D100. 10% 71-90 Department store
chance of drugs worth $1D100. 40% chance of 1 portable 91-00 Gas
electronic item. 10% chance of a handgun. 40% chance
of mace. You gotta use it before it gets cancelled, and hope you get
White Collar Person: $1D100 in cash. ATM card. 1D4 a sales clerk who doesn't bother to check the signature (or
credit cards. Men have 50% chance of jewellery worth else you need to forge the signature reasonably well). Of
$1D100; women have jewellery worth $1D1000 (a typical course, if you murdered the owner, you may be able to
wedding ring alone can be worth that, right?). 10% chance use it for some time, if you don't overdo it, before the
of drugs worth $1D100. 50% chance of 1D2 portable elec- issuer gets suspicious and cancels it.
tronics. 5% chance of a handgun. 20% chance of mace. Jewellery: We're including watches as "jewellery," which
Executive: $1D100 in cash. ATM card. 1D6 credit cards. is why the numbers for men are as high as they are. Wed-
Men have jewellery worth $3D100; women have jewellery ding rings are also, obviously, prime targets. Other than
worth $2D1000. 10% chance of drugs worth $1D100. 75% that, it's random stuff—additional rings, necklaces, ear-
chance of 1D4 portable electronic items. 2% chance of a rings and such. The value is the purchase price; you'll be

Wandering Victim Table

Slam Lower- Middle Ritzy Retail Hipster Business
middle class area area area center
Victim type class
bum 01-20 01-10 01-05 01-02 01-05 01-10 01-05
poor person 21-73 06-26 03-10 06-17 11-40 06-18
blue collar 74-83 41-80 27-66 11-20 18-47 41-60 19-38
white collar 84-88 81-88 67-86 21-50 48-77 61-80 39-68
executive 89 89-90 87-90 51-80 78-87 81-90 69-88
rich person 90 91-94 91-96 81-97 88-97 91-96 89-98
criminal 91-98 95-99 97-99 98-99 98-99 97-99 99
undercover cop 99-00 00 00 00 00 99-00 00
lucky to get 25% of that on the street. White Collar
Drugs are easily salable (or you can take 'em yourself), For each unmarried female resident over the age of 18,
but of course you run the risk of pissing off whomever $1D1000 in jewellery; for each married female resident,
owns this territory for drug sales, unless you sell the drugs $2D1000 jewellery. 10% chance of drugs worth $1D200.
to them, probably for 50% of the retail price. 1D8 pieces of electronic equipment. 10% chance of a hand-
Portable electronic items include beepers, cellphones, gun. Other stuff worth $2D1000.
Walkmen, Gameboys, and Palms or other electronic orga- Executive
nizers. If you're really lucky, you might get a laptop. For each unmarried female resident over the age of 18,
Weapons: If they got 'em, you can expect they'll use 'em. $2D1000 in jewellery; for each married female resident,
I mean, what are they carrying them around for if not to $1D10,000.10% chance of drugs worth $1D1000.1D10 pieces
defend themselves from the likes of you? If the campaign is of electronic equipment. 10% chance of a handgun. Other
set somewhere like, say, Texas, the gamemaster should stuff worth $ 1D10,000.1 % chance of gold or negotiable in-
boost these percentages by a lot. These numbers assume struments worth $1D100,000.
the campaign is someplace civilized. Rich People
For each unmarried female resident over the age of 18,
Apartment Treasure $3D1000 in jewellery; for each married female resident,
Man, I'm having flashbacks. I mean, this was puerile when $1D100,000. 10% chance of drugs worth $1D1000. 1D12
Gygax & Arneson did it, and it still is. I mean, how lame: pieces of electronic equipment. 10% chance of a handgun.
generate your gameworld at random and stock it equally Other stuff worth $1D50,000. 10% chance of gold or
randomly. You really ought to give some thought to the negotiable instruments worth $1D100,000 (almost certainly
experience you want to impart and the story you want to in a safe).
tell, right? Criminal
Well, on second thought, save that shit for a better The gamemaster should decide on the crook's business—
game. I mean, all your fucking players wanna do is kill, drugs, stolen goods, credit card scams, breaking & enter-
anyway? Does it even matter what? Everything just an- ing—and outfit the apartment accordingly. E.g., if he's a
other bunch of stats. dealer, you can expect $3D10,000 in drugs. The scale of the
Okay. criminal's armament will be directly related to the value of
Here, we figure out what stuff is lying around an apart- the crap he's got—you can expect anything and everything
ment. This is just stuff you'll find if you break in; if the up through machineguns and deadly traps. If you stumble
residents are present, each of them'll be carrying stuff, on something really impressive—like a meth lab—you
too—treat 'em as if they're Wandering Victims (see can expect multiple armed felons, too, ready and willing
above). to axe you to protect it. In other words, this can be a trea-
sure trove, but is vastly more likely to be well defended
Residents than stuff owned by civilians. Normal criminals will shy
First, determine the nature of the building, then roll. (Ob- away from confrontations like this. With a bunch of
viously bums, or "homeless people" if you want to be psycho nut-hatches like your PCs, anything is possible.
polite, which I don't, have no apartments.)
Treasure Types
Poor People Most of the types of treasure listed here are the same as
$2D100 in cash. 50% chance of jewellery worth $2D100. for Wandering Victims, with these differences:
10% chance of drugs worth $1D100.10% chance of a hand- Electronic Equipment: TVs, compact stereos, comput-
gun. 1D3 pieces of electronic equipment. 20% chance of ers, home entertainment systems, videogame consoles,
other stuff worth $1D500. VCRs, DVD players, projection TVs, HDTVs, etc. A com-
Blue Collar ponent stereo system is considered to be several indi-
For each unmarried female resident over the age of 18, vidual pieces of electronic equipment, that is, a system
$2D100 in jewellery; for each married female resident, consisting of an amplifier, a CD player, and a decent set
$1D1000 jewellery. 10% chance of drugs worth $1D100. of speakers is three pieces of electronic equipment.
1D6 pieces of electronic equipment. 10% chance of a hand- Other Stuff: Of course, it's likely that there's other valu-
gun. Other stuff worth $1D1000. able stuff, too—it's just that the characters won't notice.

Resident Table
poor blue white executive rich criminal
Type of housing people collar collar people
row house (bad area) 01-80 81-95 96-98 — — 99-00
tenement 01-60 61-80 81-96 97 98 99-00
project 01-90 91-97 98 — — 99-00
walk-up 01-30 31-70 71-95 96-98 99 00
elevator building, no doorman 00-15 16-60 61-90 91-98 99 00
luxury apartment building 00 01-10 11-60 61-90 91-99 00
brown-stone —— —— 01-05 06-50 51-99 00

27
For example, if someone breaks into my apartment, I'd Row House: A brick structure, generally three or four
expect them to take the stereo and the four computers. I stories in height, with street frontage ranging from 12 to 24
don't have a TV, of course. But I wouldn't expect them to feet. Originally constructed as housing for middle class
realize that the Cabell first editions, the Gregg Press hard- families, one family per house, with space for an servant
covers, and the original Muth and George Pratt illustra- girl. Typically in excess of 100 years in age. Usually
tions are probably worth more than all the electronic subdivided into three or four apartments—sometimes one
equipment put together. And even if they did—well, fenc- per floor, but for large buildings, often two. Apartments
ing an amplifier is straightforward. Finding a buyer who'll tend to be quite small; depending on area and the wealth of
give you anything like market for stolen rare books is the inhabitants, these can be in very good shape or close to
another matter. collapse.
So that's what this category is for. You roll, they got Tenement: Typically, a single structure with a street
'other stuff,' and here's its ostensible value. But unless frontage of 20 to 60 feet, ranging from 4 to 7 stories. Built
one of the characters has some kind of relevant knowl- originally as housing for the poor, these consist of a war-
edge—like, he's got Music Lore at 15, if he makes a skill roll ren of tiny apartments accessible off an open stairwell.
maybe he'll notice that those old vinyl 45s are Billie Holliday In New York City, "old law" tenements have small airshafts
original pressings and worth a fortune if unscratched. But running down the middle of the building that provide air
otherwise, forgeddaboutit. Except maybe to taunt the and (some) light to interior rooms. (Pre the "Old Law", it
players afterward. "So, remember that cheesy painting was legal to build tenements with no interior light or ven-
of Marilyn Monroe? No, it wasn't a 42nd Street black-vel- tilation, and the conditions in some of these buildings
vet special. We're talking Warhol original, acrylic-and-dia- was truly horrific.) "New Law" tenements have interior
mond-dust over photography, high five figures at a mini- courtyards that provide more real light. Usually, a tenant
mum, you fuckheads." must buzz you in the front door; in some cases, there's
no intercom system, and you must call from a pay phone
Random Apartment and have them come down to let you in. Most tenements
are in poor shape, over-run with roaches, and inhabited
mainly by poor people, the lower middle class, and Bo-
Complex Generation hemians. In some areas, they have been renovated re-
Tables cently and are more pleasant, but the apartments will still
be tiny. Essentially, tenements were shit housing when
Hey, mapping on graph paper. Just like the old times. they were built, and still are.
So take your pad. We'll use that old stand-by scale, ten Project: A large, ugly, elevator building set in a "green"
feet per square. This means all rooms will wind up in courtyard that's mostly mud and weeds with no retail
unrealistic multiples of ten feet, but who cares. Figure a establishments on the ground floor to provide some kind
typical block frontage is 200' long (that's a short New York of street life. Built in the 30s-40s as housing for lower-income
City block—about 400' between the avenues). Not all people by well-meaning city governments who thought they
buildings run the whole length of a block, of course. Any- were doing the poor a favor by getting them out of slums,
way, start by drawing the outlines of the building. they provide none of the sense of community or active
We'll do residential floors first; the ground floor will streetlife that slums provide and, instead, are among the
be last, and should be done differently. In most cases, most horrible places to live. Crime is rife in the corridors,
residential floors are identical; that's a much simpler way drugs are omnipresent, and the overall atmosphere is of
to construct stuff, right? The main differences are a) desperation and despair.
floors with laundry rooms or other service facilities, which Walk-Up: A four-to-seven story building with a central
are going to differ a bit; b) older buildings that have been stairwell and no elevator. Many of these are indistinguish-
renovated in funky ways, in which case the floors may able from tenements, but some were designed for some-
vary; or c) apartment buildings where upper floors are what wealthier inhabitants, and offer large and more at-
purposefully laid out with larger and more expensive tractively laid-out apartments.
apartments for richer people. Use your own judgment when Elevator Building, No Doorman: Generally no more
you want one of these to apply. than 12 stories in height, some of these were constructed
Determine the nature of the building, using the Ran- as middle-income housing and have decent-sized apart-
dom Building Table: ments. Others are renovated industrial build with loft-style

Random Building Table

Slum lower-middle middle ritzy hipster business
class area class area area area center
row house 01-30 01-30 01-20 01-10 01-20 —
tene-ment 31-60 31-60 21-50 — 21-50 01-20
proj-ect 61-90 61-70 51-55 — 51-60 —
walk-up 91-99 71-90 56-85 11-20 61-80 21-40
elev bldg, no doorman 00 91-98 86-95 21-40 81-90 41-60
luxury apt bldg — 99 96-98 41-80 91-00 61-00
brown-stone — 00 99-00 81-00 — —

28
 Apartment Table
studio one two three classic really
bedroom bedroom bedroom six big
row house 01-20 21-60 61-90 91-95 — 96-00
tenement 01-20 21-45 46-70 71-97 — 98-00
project 01-15 16-45 46-70 71-95 — 96-00
walk-up 01-20 21-60 61-80 81-95 96-97 98-00
elev bldg, no doorman 01-10 11-50 51-75 76-90 91-98 99-00
luxury, prewar — 01-20 21-50 51-60 61-85 86-00
luxury, postwar 01-20 21-55 56-75 76-90 — 91-00
brown-stone 01-10 11-40 41-60 61-70 — 71-00

flats. Depending on the size of the building, there will be or fire escapes (or both). Modern buildings generally have
one or two elevators. Visitors are buzzed in by intercom. two different enclosed stairwells, so that even if one is
Luxury Apartment Building: Typically post-war, these blocked by smoke, the other may still be usable. (Note
are generally 25-40 stories in height and often take up a that fire escapes are a great way to break in to a build-
substantial part of the block. A large foyer on the first floor ing.)
houses a doorman who has a phone to summon help from Once you've blocked out the stairwells, figure where
the super or police if necessary, and access to a number of the corridors will run. If it's a smaller building, there may
closed-circuit television monitors of other areas of the simple be one large-ish area in front of the elevator and/
ground floor. There are generally four to six elevators, in or stairs, with apartment doors off the landing. With larger
one or two banks, plus one or two freight elevators. buildings, there will be corridors to break up the space.
Apartments range from tiny to enormous, depending on Modern buildings will also have garbage chutes, with
rent; most have small balconies. Others are pre-war, with access to a corridor. Older luxury residences may have
larger apartments, typically six rooms and, usually, two dumbwaiter chutes, which will be closed up now, but
banks of elevators. Pre-war luxury buildings are rarely more originally opened directly into apartments; if you know
than 20 stories, and 12 is the norm. Walls are thick lath- about this, it's another cool way to break in, since you
and-plaster, and pretty well sound-proofed (more mod- can climb up the shaft and break through the wall.
ern buildings have wallboard and shitty soundproofing). Then determine the nature of the first apartment on
Browmstoues: Brownstones are a form of row-house, the Apartment Table, above:
but are larger, more elegant, and generally in a better state
of preservation. Some are still single-family residences, Studio: An apartment with one, one and a half, or at
others renovated as a two-family (one owns the building most two rooms (bedroom plus eat-in-kitchen). Designed
and rents the other apartment out), some as four or more for a single person. Normally tiny, although in a luxury
apartments. Some neighborhoods consist mainly of building or a loft, it can be substantial in size. Sleeping
brownstones and row houses; row houses in such areas area is also the living room.
tend to be much better preserved. They usually have One bedroom: Normally three rooms—bedroom, living
stoops leading to the second floor; the bottom floor ("En- room, kitchen (or kitchenette). Sometimes there's a den
glish cellar") is at or slightly below ground-level, and in that's too small to call a second bedroom. Range from
single-family dwellings, contains the kitchen. The second cramped to quite roomy.
("parlor floor") is traditionally for the dining and living Two bedroom: As above, but a second bedroom, usu-
room; higher floors contain bedrooms. ally a little smaller than the 'master' bedroom. Designed
for a small family, or for roommates to share.
Mapping Buildings Three bedroom: Three bedrooms, living room, kitchen
If it's an elevator building, start by figuring out where the (often eat-in). Usually two bathrooms. Occasionally an
elevator shafts are located. Better figure at least one elevator extra room (den or living room), often with no exterior
per 8 floors (e.g., an older pre-war building with an elevator windows.
may well have a single elevator). With modern luxury Classic six: Three bedrooms, living room, dining room,
buildings, figure there's got to be at least one freight elevator, full kitchen. Classic pre-war family apartment. Usually
too, and while it may exist in the same central area as the quite large in size, and very expensive.
passenger elevators, the entrance will be on the oppo- Really big: For a row-house or brownstone, this means
site side. the building is single-family, and they have the run of the
So block out the elevator shafts, and indicate where the whole house. For others, it means a 4-bedroom or larger
elevators open. apartment, or an enormous loft.
Then figure out where the stairwells are. If it's a smaller,
older, building, there will be one central, open stairwell. Okay, you've determined the size of the apartment. Map
Open stairwells are illegal for new construction, because it. In low-grade housing, most rooms will be one or at most
they provide unrestricted airflow and an easy way for fires two squares in size. Even in luxury buildings, you'll rarely
to spread. All buildings (except for small one-to-three fam- have anything larger than a 2x3, except in a loft. For the
ily structures) are required to have some means of fire sake of simplicity, assume all bathrooms are 10' square.
escape; this means either an interior, enclosed stairwell, If there's room on the floor, roll for the next apartment
size. If not, add the remaining few squares to existing apart- Copycat
ments. After a particularly notorious gang rape-and-murder by
You can assume that all floors except the first have the PCs hits the headlines in the local tabloids, some stu-
essentially identical lay-outs. pid copycat starts raping and killing people using the PCs'
To map the first, you need to block out the lobby. You own M.O. Never mind the fact that if they got caught they're
may want to stick in a super's office or storage area. In going to be charged with a bunch of crimes they didn't
fact, there will be a storage area, unless they use the base- actually commit; someone is violating their intellectual
ment. Gotta stick the garbage somewhere until collection property, man. They gotta track this asshole down.
day. Mailboxes go somewhere too. Anything left over is
filled with apartments. It Came from Call
Robbing what appears to be a upper middle-class apart-
Who Lives Here ment, the PCs discover an enormous cache of drugs and
Then, decide who lives in each apartment. Options are: a huge number of $100 bills. They are, of course, ecstatic.
Single Person: Usually the case in studios, often the However, the apartment is, in fact, owned by a prominent
case in single bedrooms. Sometimes in larger apartments, member of one of the Cali drug families, and soon doz-
but usually that means the person has recently gotten di- ens of deranged South American gangsters are looking
vorced or otherwise ended a relationship. for our psycho scum.
Couple: Often the case in 1 bedrooms; sometimes true
in 2 bedrooms (particularly if one works at home). Some- Mother Fucking Theresa
times true in larger apartments, but this usually implies She just seemed like another middle aged chick in an apart-
an older couple whose children have moved away. ment in a not-so-good area, so they did the usual. She
Roomies: Multiple bed-room apartments will often have didn't have much worth stealing, though. Unfortunatery,
several single people. Usually, each gets his or her own it turns out she was some kind of fucking saint, the founder
bedroom (although to save on money, people will some- of a do-good organization to help the homeless and un-
times take a fold-out couch in the living room or the like). employed and like that. After her tortured and raped body
Also, illegal immigrants often sleep several to a room. was found, a nightmare of protests began, with people
Family: Often the case in two bedrooms and above, al- marching in the streets and besieging city hall, demand-
most always the case in classic sixes. Sometimes each child ing that the cops find the depraved swine who killed this
has its own bedroom, although they're sometimes forced chick.
to double (or triple) up, particularly among lower-income The PCs basically got a choice: (a) Co down in a hail
groups. of bullets after the cops get on their tale, (b) Move to a
different city right quick, or (c) frame somebody else. Af-
Once you've done that, roll on the Wandering Victim Table ter all, the cops are under a lot of pressure to find the
to determine the economic status of the inhabitants. Roll culprit, so they maybe won't be as careful and concerned
only once for the whole family or couple; for individual about finding the right scumbag as they otherwise would.
room-mates, roll separately.
Simple enough? Repeat ad infinitum to generate a com- That's Where the Money Is
pletely boring apartment complex. Or actually use your As a chance from the usual dungeon, I mean, apartment-
imagination, and stock the building with a diverse group complex crawling, why not try to knock off a bank? That's
of people with histories and interests and peculiarities of where the money is.
their own. Just like real life. Actually, it isn't, or not that much, any more. Most
Of course, that would require work on your part. Easier funds transfers are electronic, and they empty the vault
just to roll out the old D100, eh? except for some petty cash for the next day's business
Well, no problems, then. I've given you these fucking every night. But they might get away with a few tens or
tablet, haven't I? Why don't you write a simple program, hundreds of thousands.
could do it in fucking JavaScript for all I care, to generate
this shit for you. Easier than actually spending some time Dope Will Get You Through Times of
planning to entertain your friends. And hey, easy and stu- No Money Better Than Money Will
pid is what this game is about. (If you don't know Get You Through Times of No Dope
JavaScript, you should learn it. It's the BASIC of the mod- For some reason, the supply of whatever drug one or more
ern era. You can't actually do anything useful it in, but of your PCs is addicted to has dried up. They're starting
you can write stupid little die-rolling exercises easily to get the shakes, and really really need a fix. Turns out
enough. See http://www.costik.com/frpdice.html.) the problem is that the Feds made a big local bust recently
and got virtually the entire distribution chain for the local
"Adventure", If You retailers. So: Do the PCs try to bust their suppliers out of
jail? Or decide that this is a sterling opportunity to take
Can Call It That, Ideas over the territory themselves, and fly to Colombia to make
a connection (and I'd really like to see these guys dealing
I mean, this seems like an obligatory section these days. with airport security)? Or what?
Maybe I should can it, though; it does kind of imply that
you probably could run an actual campaign of this piece In the Groove
of shit, which I'm not sure I want to encourage. Astonishingly, one of the PCs gets a recording contract,

11
and his first single actually charts. Suddenly, there's
money to spare, and he hires his buddies as bodyguards. That's All She Wrote
Although rap stars get a certain amount of leeway, actual Holy crap, I managed to get 25,000 words out of this.
murder is rather frowned upon. How long can the PCs Shows how much drivel you can produce if you set your
restrain their natural impulses before this whole sweet deal mind to it.
blows up messily? Hope you got a chuckle... And it made you think. In
the meantime, go find a decent game. And if you actually
Raving Maniacs run this thing.... I don't want to know about it, okay? Your
Wandering around a warehouse district in the wee hours money is enough.
of the morning, looking to make a few things fall off the
back of trucks, the PCs come across a warehouse that's
far from dead—indeed, it's hopping. The relentless beat About the Author
of electronica practically shakes the street, and inside's a Greg Costikyan sent us this text:
rave. At first, the PCs think they've died and gone to : The Game of Egregious and Repulsive
heaven (at least after they get past the guy with the metal Bloodshed is designed by 'Designer X,' the creator of
detector at the front door, who doesn't want to let people more than two dozen commercially-published paper and
with heavy weapons through). I mean, readily available computer games, many of them winners of prestigious
drugs, and hordes of hot little teenage chicks hopped out awards. He is bitterly ashamed to be associated in any
of their minds on ecstasy. But then the cops show up and way with this vile product. He lives nowhere. With no
try to shut the rave down—a bummer, but ravers aren't one. Do not try to find him, or it will go ill with you."
exactly violent types, so nobody's expecting a big prob-
lem. Except that the PCs do kind of stand out like sore Hah hah. We promised him we wouldn't actually use his name
thumbs in this crowd, and they sure look like scum to the on this game, but we 're not fools. It's bound to sell a few extra
cops, and they probably have warrants outstanding.... copies if we slap his name on it, anyway. He designed Para-
noia™, Toon"' and Star Wars: The Roleplaying Game®, okay?
Conan Shows Up Looking for a Fight Boy, is he going to be steamed, though. Best not ask him
On second thought... nah. to sign your copy.