Tools to Overcome Perfectionism
Tool #1: Changing perfectionistic thinking
a) Realistic thinking
One of the most effective ways to overcome perfectionism is to replace self-critical or
perfectionistic thoughts with more realistic and helpful statements. It is a good idea to practice
these helpful statements regularly. Even if you do not believe them right away, enough repetition
will turn positive realistic thoughts into a habit, and help crowd out the negative self-talk.
Some examples of positive realistic statements
“Nobody is perfect!”
“All I can do is my best!”
“Making a mistake does not mean I’m stupid or a failure. It only means that I am like
everyone else – human. Everyone makes mistakes!”
“It’s okay not to be pleasant all the time. Everyone has a bad day sometime.”
“It’s okay if some people don’t like me. No one is liked by everyone!”
b) Perspective taking
Adults with perfectionism also tend to have a hard time seeing things from another person’s
point of view. That is, they tend not to think about how others might see a situation. Learning to
view situations as other people might see them can help you to change these unhelpful beliefs.
Take an “I’m lazy” example, you can challenge this thought by asking yourself these questions:
How might someone else (e.g., a close friend) view this situation? Most people probably
would not think they are lazy if they do not exercise 2 hours everyday.
Are there other ways to look at this? Maybe not being able to work out 2 hours every day
is understandable given my busy schedule. Not being able to meet this standard does not
mean I am lazy. Most people cannot do it.
What might I tell a close friend who was having similar thoughts? It is okay to only
workout for 1 hour per day or even less. Working out regularly is good enough!
c) Looking at the big picture
Adults with perfectionism tend to get bogged down in details and spend a lot of time worrying
about ”the little things” (e.g., what font to use in an email). One helpful strategy to worry less
about details is to ask yourself the following questions:
1. Does it really matter?
2. What is the worst that could happen?
3. If the worst does happen, can I survive it?
4. Will this still matter tomorrow? How about next week? Next year?
d) Compromising
This is a particularly helpful tool for dealing with black-and-white thinking. Compromising
involves lowering or being more flexible with your very high standards. For example, if you
believe that making a mistake during a presentation means that you are stupid. You might try
asking yourself, “What level of imperfection am I willing to tolerate?” From there, you can try to
come up with some lower and more reasonable standards that you are willing to accept. Because
it is quite anxiety provoking when you first start trying to lower your standards, you can do so
gradually, in steps. For example, the first step to more reasonable standards in this example
might involve spending 3 hours instead of 5 preparing for a presentation, allowing yourself to
make a mistake during 1 out of 5 presentations, or being okay with having fewer than 5 people
praise your performance. Once you are comfortable with lowering your standards a bit, lower
them some more.
Tool #2: Changing perfectionistic behaviors
Having a problem with perfectionism is a lot like having a “phobia” of making mistakes or being
imperfect – you are terrified of making mistakes. Facing fears in a gradual and consistent manner
is the most effective way to overcome phobias, and is called “exposure”. For example, the best
way to overcome a dog phobia is to gradually spend time with dogs, to learn that they are not as
scary and dangerous as you initially thought. Similarly, overcoming your “phobia” of making
mistakes or being imperfect involves doing just that–gradually and purposely making mistakes
and coming across as imperfect. This technique also involves gradually putting yourself into
situations that you usually avoid out of a fear that things won’t work out perfectly.
Here are some examples to help you brainstorm items for exposure practice:
Show up for an appointment 15 minutes late
Leave a visible area in the house a little messy
Tell people when you are tired (or other feelings that you consider it a weakness to have)
Wear a piece of clothing that has a visible stain on it
Purposely allow several uncomfortable silences to occur during lunch with a co-worker
Another helpful hint: Stop yourself from engaging in excessive behaviours designed to
prevent imperfection. For example, if you tend to repeatedly check written documents for
mistakes, stop yourself from checking more than once. Or, spend 30 minutes instead of 2
hours to prepare for a 15- minute presentation.
Lose your train of thought during a presentation
Send a letter or e-mail that includes a few mistakes
Talk at a meeting without first rehearsing what you are going to say in your head
Try a new restaurant without first researching how good it is
