G1716
Strengthening the Couple Relationship
Kathy Bosch, Extension Specialist, Family Life Education; Marilyn Fox, Extension Educator; and
Gail Brand, Associate Extension Educator
When we wake up and are fresh, we go to work at our
Keeping a couple’s relationship strong and healthy job or at home. At the end of the day when we are exhausted
through trust and responsibility is the subject of this and every bit of usefulness has been tapped, we rush to make
NebGuide. our way home. Then we must fix meals, chauffeur children
to their activities, and handle other family responsibilities.
After several years of marriage, a couple may find a lack Late in the evening, at the low point of our energy, we try to
of individual artistry and creativity in their relationship. Each focus on our marriage.
becomes involved in a routine of relating to the other in a When most of us just take from our marriage — very few
certain way. Patterns develop because of living in the same of us feed it so we shouldn’t be surprised at the 50 percent
household and becoming used to the way the other behaves. divorce rate for first marriages. A marriage that is not fed, dies
Couples develop certain habitual patterns around home, work, of malnutrition. Yet, most couples obviously can do better in
and community. The same ways of relating and behaving may the most personal of all relationships — marriage. Marriage
persist, unchallenged and unchanged, for years. Newlyweds, ought to foster the growth of love, and evolve as a mixture of
as well as couples married for a number of years, must nurture greater humanness between the partners (also called friend-
their marriage to avoid boredom and marriage conflict. ship) and a meaningful sexual relationship, based on mutual
In principle, each couple has the possibility of recreat- respect, trust and compassion. This deep and meaningful love
ing their marriage at every moment of their waking life. The enhances the welfare of each other.
couple is like a sculptor in the construction and shaping of their Marital love means “caring for” rather than “taking care
marriage. Given the limitations of one’s imagination, courage of” or “taking from.” Mutual understanding and consider-
and skills, the sculptor has many degrees of freedom to create ation nourishes the marriage, and makes it possible for the
the form of the marriage, but may create several forms before marriage to be sustained even in times of high stress and/or
finding one that “works.” low energy.
The couple can likewise recreate, reframe, or renew a
relationship, but it is difficult. The sculpting is compounded Tools of a Healthy Relationship
in marriage because there are two persons with two different
perceptions of the relationship. There are two sets of needs What can married couples do to keep their marriage healthy
to be considered and two sets of expectations which are in- for both partners? How can they strengthen the bond between
volved. It is possible for two people of good will to discuss them? What necessary tools provide a maintenance guide for
their future possibilities together, and to reconcile differences couples who want to keep their marriages alive?
that arise. It is also possible for a couple to realize a greater
amount of their marriage potential. What seems to hold back 1. TRUST: Understanding trust helps couples be trustworthy
potential for growth are: and learn to trust each other. Honesty, keeping promises,
and being loyal are all essential elements of trustworthy-
1. lack of creativity of either partner in his or her ness.
development;
2. fear of criticism from others; • Be honest and straightforward. Don’t deceive, mislead
3. fear of change in oneself or partner; and or withhold important information.
4. the fear of conflict itself. • Keep your word and be reliable. Follow through on
what you say you will do.
We make great demands on our marriages today. When • Loyalty is protecting and encouraging the interest of
a couple joins together in the mutual adventure through life, your partner who trusts you. Be careful with whom you
both individuals and the marriage are subjected to numerous share private information and don’t talk disrespectfully
strains; yet, in most cases, they give marriage only “left-over about your partner to others.
time.”
2. COMMITMENT: Commitment is the willingness to work • Participate in marital growth experiences.
on a relationship over a period of time. It is the glue that • Control words and actions and exercise self-restraint.
holds the relationship together in good and bad times. • Make decisions, solve problems, and resolve conflict
together.
• Take time to develop the relationship. • Be willing to learn from mistakes.
• Make a positive effort to develop a mutually satisfying • Strive to do your personal best.
relationship.
• Be unselfish and able to put your partner’s interests Plan for Building a Strong Relationship
ahead of your own.
• Forgive each other and move forward. Enriching and strengthening your marriage involves
• Be responsible for your own behaviors within the learning to share with each other at deeper levels. The idea is
relationship. to become more intimate through mutual self-disclosure and
acceptance. The process is risky and takes time.
3. SKILLS: Marriage is a lifetime process. Both partners One reason for marital dissatisfaction is that couples
need to: expect a great deal from marriage. Wives and husbands often
have unrealistic expectations about what marriage should
• Understand others, express needs, listen to each other, provide them. Most people expect their spouses to be sources
make decisions, negotiate and manage conflict and have of emotional support, companionship, sexual satisfaction, and
meaningful communication. economic support or assistance. To make this work, agree
• Manage finances. together to become involved in strengthening your relation-
• Be a competent and responsible parent. ship by spending time in communication with each other. A
• Understand the differences in the way each individual commitment from both of you to try a program together may
thinks, communicates and acts. Remember your partner keep you going when you get busy or feel a little afraid and
does not necessarily have to think or act as you do or are tempted to quit.
agree with you in all situations. The following are some hints to help you, as a couple,
structure a sharing time each day:
4. CARING: Nurturant love exists when meeting the needs
of your partner is just as important as having your own • Set aside a certain time each day — a time which will
needs met. Caring is being supportive of each individual’s be relatively free of distraction. But make it “prime
growth and personal interests as well as caring for the time,” not “left-over time.”
relationship. • Share positive thoughts and feelings. This is not a time
to complain or debate.
• Enjoy doing things together and have fun. • Emphasize the sharing of feelings (joy, hurt, irritation,
• Appreciate one another and let each other know it. pleasure). This is not a time to blame each other or
• Show physical affection often. make judgments.
• Laugh together. • Speak for yourself. Say “I feel”; “I would like...”, “I
• Keep commitments. think...”; “I like...”. Don’t say “you...” or “people...”.
• Make your partner feel special. • Use language that expresses appreciation (“I appreciate
• Have a healthy sexual relationship. it when you...”). Provide positive feedback and avoid
“constructive” criticism.
5. RESPECT AND APPRECIATION: “Do unto others as • Have a “time-out” rule. Whenever either partner feels
you would have them to unto you.” This means giving like she/he does not want to continue the discussion,
positive rewards and “strokes” to each other. It means she/he may say “time-out.” You each agree to take a
avoiding experiences which may hurt your partner and break or change the subject without asking why the other
have a detrimental effect on your relationship. does not wish to continue. Knowing that this option is
available will keep you from feeling trapped. You are
• Respect the roles each has in the relationship. more likely to share if you can decide when and how
• Compromise, with neither partner being right or quickly to share. Soon after the “time-out ,” partners
wrong. need to readdress the issue.
• Have reasonable expectations of each other and the • Learn to listen! Try to understand what your partner is
relationship. saying — what she/he means. Put your understanding
of what you heard in your own words and say it back
to your partner to see if you accurately received the
6. EFFORT: Effort is needed to make these tools work. message sent. Remember, “when in doubt, check it
Effort means taking time to work on your marriage. out!”
A Final Word Sources
A word of caution: Building a strong marriage is not the Fox, M., Germer, S., Fisher, C., & Rathje, D. (2007).
same as marriage counseling. It is the process of “making Survive, strive, and thrive: Keys to healthy family living.
a good marriage better.” Should you find your marriage in Extension, Institute of Agriculture and Natural Resources,
trouble, you are advised to seek marital counseling to get the University of Nebraska–Lincoln. Pub# MP89 or CD 12.
foundation of your marriage restored. Olson, D. H., & DeFrain, J. (2006). Marriages and
Marriage is not an answer, it is a search. It is a relation- families: Intimacy, diversity, and strengths, 5th ed. New York:
ship within which change is generated by relating and living McGraw-Hill Publishing Co.
together. It can produce growth, identity and a sense of Shoup Olsen, C., (1997). CoupleTalk: Enhancing your
togetherness. Nurture and strengthen your relationship for relationship. Kansas State University.
lifetime commitment.
Acknowledgments
The authors would like to acknowledge the work
of Herb Lingren, Extension Family Life Specialist,
on whose previous NebGuide this publication was
based.
UNL Extension publications are available online
at http://extension.unl.edu/publications.
Index: Families
Relationships
Issued May 2007
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cooperating with the Counties and the United States Department of Agriculture.
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of the University of Nebraska–Lincoln and the United States Department of Agriculture.
© 2007, The Board of Regents of the University of Nebraska on behalf of the University of Nebraska–Lincoln Extension. All rights reserved.
