HOORAY FOR JUSTICE!

A COURTROOM COMEDY OF FAIRYTALE FUN

By Renee J. Clark
Copyright © MCMXCIV by Renee J. Clark
All Rights Reserved
Heuer Publishing LLC, Cedar Rapids, Iowa

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 HOORAY FOR JUSTICE!

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OP
To Amy and Christy Varga,
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who create sunshine in all they do.
NO
DO

2
 BY RENEE J. CLARK

HOORAY FOR JUSTICE!

By Renee J. Clark
SYNOPSIS: The courtroom comedy Hooray for Justice! is ideal for
workshop, classroom or community theater. It can be performed by actors
ages 12–adult. When used with commercials, running time can be extended

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to a short two act or a long one act play.

The story, which parodies tabloid television and courtroom drama, includes

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most of the familiar fairy tale and nursery rhyme characters. Herwaldo
Kimera, host for OUTSIDE EDITION brings you the “outside dirt on the
inside story” as the audience becomes the jury in the case of La-La Land vs.
Percival S. Wolf.

The Wolf stands accused of pushing Humpty Dumpty off the wall near the
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king’s castle. Humpty, who has survived the famous fall with injuries, tells a
forlorn tale of persecution by Wolf through his childhood years.

Witnesses for the prosecution led by attorney Mary Payson include one of
the King’s Men who was the first at the scene, Dorky Pig, and a very ‘flaky’
Wanda, the Fairy Godmother. The Wolf, who claims he is innocent and has
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reformed his ways, is defended by his cousin Benny Padlock. Padlock calls
two of the dwarfs, Sneezy and Doc Little, to the stand, as well as Goldie
Goose, who actually gave birth to Humpty many years ago. As the
witnesses each testify to the motive and means of the crime, the trial builds
to a dramatic finish in a bizarre turn of events.

CAST OF CHARACTERS
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(4-9 WOMEN, 6-7 MEN, 3-6 EITHER, EXTRAS)

NOTE: Bailiff, Humpty, and Dorky Pig may be either male or female.

HERWALDO KIMERA (m) ........................ A tabloid reporter for

OUTSIDE EDITION. (9 lines)

JUDGE BETTY BOPNER (f) ...................... A no-nonsense judge. (43 lines)

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 HOORAY FOR JUSTICE!

BAILIFF (m/f) .............................................. Swears in and keeps track of

evidence. (25 lines)

HUMPTY R. DUMPTY (m/f) ...................... The plaintiff. He is a mournful

‘sad sack.’ (34 lines)

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PERCIVAL S. WOLF (m)............................ The defendant. He has reformed
his evil ways. (21 lines)

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MS. MARY PAYSON (f)............................. The toughest prosecutor in La-
La Land. (74 lines)

MR. BENNY PADLOCK (m) ...................... The defendant’s attorney and

cousin. (98 lines)
TC
WITNESSES FOR THE PROSECUTION

CAPTAIN WOODY SOLDIER (m)............. A King’s man. (22 lines)

DORKY PIG (m/f)........................................ A nervous sort. (20 lines)

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WANDA GODMOTHER (f)........................ Diz brain. (20 lines)

WITNESSES FOR THE DEFENSE

SNEEZY LITTLE (m) .................................. A dwarf with uncontrollable

allergies. (13 lines)
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DOC LITTLE (m)......................................... Sneezy’s brother. A brilliant

surgeon and boss of the family
mine. (12 lines)

GOLDIE GOOSE (f) .................................... A rich snob. She lays only the
highest quality golden eggs. (16
lines)

EXTRAS (m/f).............................................. The courtroom audience.

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 BY RENEE J. CLARK

ACTORS FOR COMMERCIALS

NOTE: Announcer and Persons #1-4 may be male or female.

ANNOUNCER (m/f) .................................... For all commercials. (11 lines)

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A MAN (m)................................................... With a terrible cold. (3 lines)

WOMAN (f).................................................. She has just the right remedy.

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(3 lines)

PERSON #1 (m/f) ......................................... Has a breath problem. (3 lines)

PERSONS #2-4 (m/f).................................... Have to deal with her breath

problem.
TC
CINDERELLA (f) ........................................ Loves her new gown. (2 lines)

SLEEPING BEAUTY (f).............................. Loves her new jimmies. (2

lines)
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SNOW WHITE (f) ........................................ Loves her new apron. (2 lines)

HAZEL (f) .................................................... A witch who is bored with her

new witchwear and has her own
restaurant. (3 lines)

PRODUCTION NOTES
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RUNNING TIME:
Approximately 50 minutes without commercials. Approximately 80 minutes
with commercials and intermission.

DIRECTOR’S NOTES:
This play has much versatility for the drama instructor or the classroom
teacher who may have little experience producing a play. It can be
performed with or without commercials, which will obviously vary the
running time.

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 HOORAY FOR JUSTICE!

Staging is very simple for the courtroom setting. It requires very simple
blocking. Because of the extras in the courtroom audience and optional
commercials, it can utilize everyone on stage all the time. This is especially
important to teachers for classroom management and disciplinary control.
There is much flexibility in casting. If numbers of participants are scarce,

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actors may easily double-up on roles. Additionally, the majority of parts can
be played by males or females, allowing the director much versatility in
casting.

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SET:
This play can easily be presented in a classroom or on a stage using tables,
chairs and benches. Up center could be a podium for the judge and a chair
for the witness stand. Bailiff could stand up right near the chair. Humpty,
Payson, Benny and Wolf could be at tables left and right with witnesses and
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extras seated in rows behind these tables. Commercials could be performed
in front of a curtain, which is closed on the courtroom or down center after
actors exit left and right for each set of commercials. Another option would
be to have courtroom actors freeze while commercials play downstage.
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DO

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 BY RENEE J. CLARK

PROPS

□ 1 mic (Herwaldo)
□ 1 crutch, sling, eye patch (Humpty)
□ 2 sets of files and papers (Payson, Vinnie)
□ Gavel or rubber mallet (Judge)

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□ Long stick or branch with the end painted yellow (preset on
Payson’s table)
□ Earphones (Wanda)

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□ Wand (Wanda)
□ Handkerchief (Vinnie)
□ 1 box of tissues (Everyone)
□ 1 poster with egg drawn (preset on Vinnie’s table)
□ 1 magic marker (preset with poster)
□
TC
PROPS FOR COMMERCIALS

□ 1 sign BREATH BUSTER (Announcer)

□ 1 large clean white cloth (Announcer)
□ 1 large handkerchief (Man)
□ Ice pack (Man)
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□ Bell (Man)
□ Small, clean plunger (Woman)
□ 1 sign UNCLOGGER (Announcer)
□ 1 sign CLOTHES-R-US (Announcer)
□ 1 sign HAZEL’S HOME COOKIN’
□ Basket with fake apples (Hazel)
□ Basket with cardboard gingerbread boy and girl (Hazel)
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 HOORAY FOR JUSTICE!

COSTUMES

Costumes should fit the setting as well as the characters. Girls could wear
long ruffled skirts, peasant blouses. Boys wear bright colored sweats, tunic
tops with belts, stocking hats. Other suggestions:

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JUDGE..............................a black choir robe
PAYSON ..........................clown costume or modern suit
VINNIE.............................clown costume or modern, gaudy tie and jacket

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WOODY ...........................a band uniform
WANDA ...........................mismatched long skirt and blouse, lots of gaudy
jewelry, bright scarf on head
*PIG ..................................large bloomers stuffed, pipe cleaner tail, short
sleeve shirt, bright suspenders, a cap
SNEEZY ...........................a pair of sweats and stocking cap
TC
DOC ..................................white lab coat, toy stethoscope around neck,
stocking cap
*GOLDIE..........................large bloomers cut with a tail shape. Frilly blouse
and fancy cape, lots of jewelry
*WOLF .............................three-piece suit and conservative tie, tail attached
to pants
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ANNOUNCER .................clown costume or suit

CINDERELLA .................a prom dress
SNOW WHITE .................long skirt, white peasant blouse, black vest
SLEEPING BEAUTY.......flannel nightgown
HAZEL .............................witch hat, black shirt, skirt, cape
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 BY RENEE J. CLARK

ACT ONE

AT RISE:
Witnesses enter to dramatic music and mill about whispering through
Herwaldo’s monologue. He enters down right holding a microphone
and directs his speech to the audience as if on camera.

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HERWALDO: (To audience, on a hand-held microphone.) Ladies
and gentlemen, this is Herwaldo Kimera, your host and

OP
commentator for “Outside Edition.” Our investigative reporters
bring you the outside dirt on the inside story with all the smut and
scandal to satisfy even the most inquiring minds. Today we take
you, live, into the most sensational trial of the century where YOU
become the jury in the case of “The County of La-La Land vs.
Percival S. Wolf.” (Pause.) What you are about to see is real.
TC
The litigants in this case are not actors; they have agreed, for a
six figure price, to settle their dispute here in our studio
courtroom. But before we begin, a word from our sponsor.

Insert COMMERCIAL.
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HERWALDO: (DOWN RIGHT on microphone in a very serious stage

whisper.) Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Wolf has just entered with
his attorney. (They enter left, cross to table right and sit.) As you
know, he stands accused of the attempted murder and the
malicious wounding of Humpty R. Dumpty on July 22. He is
represented by his cousin Benny, that is Benny Padlock of
Padlock and Key Associates. (Suddenly everyone murmurs,
DO

pointing as Humpty enters with a crutch under his left arm. His
right arm is in a sling and he has bandages and patches over
parts of his body. His lawyer assists him as they take their seats
at the table LEFT.) And now Mr. Dumpty has just arrived with
Mary Payson, the toughest prosecutor in La-La Land. (He
watches as Humpty sits moaning.) Oh, he looks as if he’s barely
able to hold himself together. Let us watch as the trial
commences.

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 HOORAY FOR JUSTICE!

BAILIFF:: (Crosses center.) All rise! (Everyone rises as Payson

helps Humpty to his feet.) The Honorable Betty Bopner
presiding. Here comes the judge! (As the judge enters, the
entire courtroom roots her on, punching the air with their fists
shouting “A! E! I! O! U!”)

Y
Judge sings her song; the others join her snapping their fingers.

JUDGE: You may be seated. (She shuffles through her papers.)

OP
This is the case of the County of La-La Land versus Percival S.
Wolf. Mr. Wolf stands accused of attempting to murder Mr.
Dumpty by pushing him off the high wall surrounding the giant’s
castle. (To Padlock.) Mr. Padlock, how does your client plead?
BENNY: Innocent, Yiz Honah.
JUDGE: Ms. Payson, as prosecutor for this case, proceed with your
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opening statement.
PAYSON: Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I beg you
to look at my client. Imagine how he feels. He was minding his
own business as he sat upon the wall, when suddenly he was
pushed from behind and took a terrible fall. Think of how he
panicked with terror as he fell. He knew he was going to be
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cracked and scrambled. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I

intend to prove that the Wolf did, indeed, plan his attack. He
premeditated, postulated, cogitated, contemplated how to kill and
make Hump crack! And in conclusion, I will also show that he is
of ill repute and that he not only had the motive, but the means to
carry out this horrendous crime. (She sits.)
JUDGE: Thank you and now - -
DO

PAYSON: (Rises and interrupts.) And furthermore - -

JUDGE: (Bangs gavel, cutting her off. She wags her finger at
Payson.) Uh-uh-uh! Play fair. You know the rules, Ms. Payson.
Once you sit down, you can’t get up again until it’s your turn.
(Payson sits again, fuming.) Now then, Mr. Padlock, are you
ready with your opening remarks?

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 BY RENEE J. CLARK

BENNY: (Rises. He speaks with a New York or “tough guy” accent.)

Yeah, sure, Judge. (He shuffles clumsily through his papers,
looking for a speech.) Uh, justa sec. I, uh, know it’s here
somewhere. (Everyone stares at him as he drops papers on the
floor.)
JUDGE: (Impatiently.) Mr. Padlock, we’re waiting. May I remind you

Y
that time is money, and the plaintiff and defendant are costing this
network big buckaroos as it is.
BENNY: (Pulling out paper.) Uh, yeah. Uh, here it is. I’m ready.

OP
JUDGE: Well, then proceed.
BENNY: (Reading.) Uh, guys and dolls o’ the jury - - I aim to show
that my cousin here, uh Poicy S. Wolf, is really a nice guy and
that he’s takin’ a bum rap for somethin’ he did not do. I’m gonna
prove that he is totally innocent of the poipetration of this crime.
(He sits.)
TC
JUDGE: (Pause.) That’s it? (Benny nods.) That’s all you have to
say? (Silence.) Suit yourself. Ms. Payson, you may call your first
witness.
PAYSON: (Rises.) Your Honor, I call Mr. Dorky Pig to the stand.
(Dorky crosses to the witness stand.)
BAILIFF:: Raise your right hoof. (Loud and dramatic like a
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televangelist preacher.) Do you sa-wey-ya to tell the truth, the

whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
PIG: (Nervously stuttering like the cartoon pig.) Uh-ye, uh-ye, uh-ye
- - uh- APPLE-SOLUTLY! (He sits.)
BAILIFF:: State your name, please.
PIG: Uh-duh, uh-duh, uh-Dorky Pig.
PAYSON: Now then, Mr. Pig. (He crosses to him.) Would you
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recount for us the events of July 22, as you remember them.

PIG: (Thinking hard.) I - - well - - I woke up about six o’clock in the
morning. I got out of bed and crossed to the uh-buh, uh-buh, uh-
buh, uh - RESTROOM. (He takes a breath.)
PAYSON: (Impatiently.) Yes, Dorky, but let’s cut to the quick, so to
speak. Where were you at approximately twelve noon on the day
in question?
PIG: It was a s-sizzling hot day and I was in a hurry to get to my
brother’s house before the sun fried my b-bacon.
PAYSON: And why, pray tell, were you visiting your brother?

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 HOORAY FOR JUSTICE!

PIG: W-well, ever since my house was destroyed, I’ve been staying
at the YPCA. I don’t have the money to build a new one. Since
the food at the “Y” is l-lousy, I eat lunch over at Elmer’s every
day.
PAYSON: You say your house was destroyed. Just when did this
happen?

Y
PIG: About ten years ago. This creepy critter came to the door and
s-said he was s-selling aluminum siding. He said my s-straw
house could use it. I said I wasn’t interested. So he tried to suh-

OP
suh-sweet talk me. Invited me out for uh-lunch. Said he’d love to
have p-pork chops for lunch. When I refused, he huffed and
puffed and blew my house to kingdom come.
PAYSON: And is this salesman in this courtroom now?
PIG: I think th-th-that’s him, over there. (He points.)
BENNY: (Rises.) I object! This is irrelevant. He’s not even tawkin’
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about today’s case. And how can he be sure this is the same
wolf after ten years?
PAYSON: Your Honor, I’m trying to establish the Wolf’s bad
reputation and prior record. It would have a bearing on this case.
JUDGE: Objection overruled. Proceed, Ms. Payson.
PAYSON: Thank you. Mr. Pig, would you describe what happened
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to you on the way to your brother’s house?

PIG: I was walking along Wall Street past the giant’s castle, where
that huge p-p-p-pear tree grows, when out of the blue, something
hit me from above. It felt like an elephant sat on my head. Uh-
nuh, uh-knocked me right out.
PAYSON: When you came to, what did you see?
PIG: Y-yolk!
DO

PAYSON: I beg your pardon.

PIG: Y-yolk! Yolk! I was covered with this yucky, wiggly stuff that
was soft boiled. It was in my hair, my eyes, my clothes, yuk!
Disgusting. And my h-head hurt so bad. I must have been out for
quite a while.
PAYSON: Then what.
PIG: I saw uh-hu, uh-hu, uh-Dumpty scrambled all over the place.
And there was a crowd around him. N-nobody noticed me.
PAYSON: Who was in that crowd?

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 BY RENEE J. CLARK

PIG: W-well, there were some of the King’s Men. They were
administering first aid and trying to put Dumpty back together
again. Also the Fairy Godmother, who was waving her wand l-l-
like crazy and mumbling to herself, and a g-goose, some little
men, and oh, yes, Wolf was lurking around the p-p-p-pear tree.
PAYSON: I have no further questions for the Dork, uh - pig. Let the

Y
record show Percival S. Wolf was at the crime scene at the time
of the fall. (To Padlock.) Your witness.
BENNY: (Rises and crosses to Pig.) So Dork! Howah ya?

OP
PIG: (Nervously.) Okay, I uh-guess.
BENNY: You said when you sat up after your accident, your head
hoit and you were covered with yolk, is that right?
PIG: Y-Yes.
BENNY: Would you describe what the King’s Men were wearing
when you looked up?
TC
PIG: Yellow (Pause.) and white. Their uniforms were yellow and
white.
BENNY: And the goose?
PIG: (He hesitates, remembering.) The same - - yellow and white.
BENNY: And the Fairy Godmother?
PIG: (Very nervous at this line of questioning.) Why, y-yellow and w-
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white.
BENNY: And the accused, who you claim was loiking around the
pear tree.
PIG: (Beginning to realize.) I-I’m not sure.
BENNY: Come on, Dork! Did ya see da Wolf, or didn’t ya?
PIG: (Weakly.) I TH-THOUGHT I did.
BENNY: Surely you could identify the colors he was wearing.
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PIG: (Quietly.) Y-yellow and w-white.

BENNY: Judge, the three witnesses in question are here today. I’ve
asked them to wear the clothes they wore on the 22nd. I’d like
them ta stand for a minute.
JUDGE: (Nodding to the witnesses.) You may stand. (They do.
None are wearing yellow and white.)

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 HOORAY FOR JUSTICE!

BENNY: (To pig.) Dorky, you have testified that when you came to,
you were covered with yolk. Could it be, Dork, that the reason
they were all wearing yellow and white was ‘cause you had egg in
your face and could not, in fact, SEE much at all? (Silence.) Ya
Honah, if dis dork – uh - pig couldn’t see clearly, how could he
positively identify my cousin, let alone anyone else at the scene?

Y
He had egg on his face then, (Sarcastically.) and he has egg on
his face now.
JUDGE: Point well taken.

OP
BENNY: I got no foither questions.
JUDGE: (To Pig.) You may be seated, Mr. Pig.
BENNY: (Mumbles to Pig as he crosses to his seat.) Yeah, take a
hike, ya dork.
JUDGE: Ms. Payson, you may call your next witness.
PAYSON: I call Sir Woody Soldier, Captain of the King’s Men. He
TC
and some of the men were practicing maneuvers near the vicinity
of the wall at the time of the fall. (Woody marches to Bailiff and
stands stiffly, hands by his side at attention.)
BAILIFF:: (Barking orders like a drill sergeant.) Raise your right
hand! (Woody snaps to attention, saluting with his right hand.)
BAILIFF:: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing
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but the truth?

WOODY: (Clicking his heels and staring straight ahead.) Yes, sir!
BAILIFF:: State your full name!
WOODY: Woodrow Soldier.
BAILIFF:: (Shouting in his face.) I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
WOODY: (Louder.) WOODROW SOLDIER, SIR!
BAILIFF:: (He steps back, waiting for Woody to sit. When he
DO

doesn’t, he steps forward again.) Take your seat, Captain!

WOODY: Sir! Yes, Sir! (He sits stiffly.)
PAYSON: Captain - -
WOODY: (Suddenly jumps up snapping to attention.) Yes, Sir! (He
pauses, looks at her with a puzzled expression, then thinks.)
Yes, ma’am!

The following exchange is loosely based on the old Army drill routine.
It may be sung.

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 BY RENEE J. CLARK

PAYSON:YOU HAVE SWORN TO TELL THE TRUTH.

WOODY: YES, I’VE SWORN TO TELL THE TRUTH.

PAYSON: WHEN DID YOUR MEN GET TO THE WALL?

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WOODY: JUST IN TIME TO SEE HUMP FALL.

PAYSON: AND DID HE LAND ON THE PIG’S HEAD?

OP
WOODY: YES, IT WAS AS THE PIG SAID.

PAYSON: WHAT THEN?

WOODY: THE EGG BROKE.

TC
PAYSON: DESCRIBE THE SCENE.

WOODY: LOTS OF YOLK.

BOTH: THEN YOU/I TRIED TO PUT HIM BACK

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TOGETHER AGAIN!

Payson turns to all others seated who will stand and join in marching
in place.

PAYSON:YOUR HONOR, JURY AND THE REST

THIS MAN IS SURELY THE KING’S BEST.
DO

ALL: HE SLOWLY MARCHED INTO THE FRAY

AND TRIED TO HELP HUMP THAT SAD DAY.

PAYSON: WHAT THEN?

ALL: THE EGG BROKE.

PAYSON: DESCRIBE THE SCENE.

15
 HOORAY FOR JUSTICE!

ALL: LOTS OF YOLK.

THEN HE TRIED TO PUT HIM BACK TOGETHER AGAIN!

At the end everyone stands at attention.

JUDGE: You may all be seated.

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EVERYONE: (They all click heels and salute.) Yes, ma’am!
PAYSON: Captain, you tried valiantly to put Humpty back together,
but what happened?

OP
WOODY: (Still at attention, staring straight ahead.) I don’t know,
ma’am! I tried to apply first aid, ma’am! But his shell just wouldn’t
hold. So I summoned the Fairy Godmother. She does well with
pumpkins, mice and clothes. I thought she could help.
PAYSON: Did you notice anything out of the ordinary? Besides the
victim, that is.
TC
WOODY: Yes, ma’am! There was a long branch lying near the egg.
At first I didn’t notice it because of all the commotion.
PAYSON: (Getting stick from her table.) Is this the stick you saw?
WOODY: (Examines stick.) That looks like it. I would say it is.
PAYSON: What do you see on the end here?
WOODY: (Examining it closely.) It looks like dried yolk.
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PAYSON: In your opinion, could this stick have been used to push
Humpty off the wall?
WOODY: It certainly could reach that high.
PAYSON: Your Honor, I took the liberty of having the lab dust this
stick for paw prints. They match those of the accused. I submit
this stick as evidence. It could possibly be the weapon used in
the perpetration of this crime.
DO

JUDGE: (To Bailiff.) Mark this Exhibit A. And let the record show
identification of Wolf’s prints on the stick. (Bailiff sets it on the
Exhibit table.)
PAYSON: Captain, you have recently received a medal of honor, is
that correct?
WOODY: Yes, ma’am!
PAYSON: Would you tell us what it was for.

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 BY RENEE J. CLARK

WOODY: About a year ago the King’s new wife, a vain, evil woman,
asked me to kill her step daughter and cut out her heart so she
could be the fairest in La-La Land. I knew it was wrong and
immoral, so I let the girl go deep in the woods and brought the
queen an animal’s heart instead. When the king found out his
daughter was alive and well and living with the dwarves, he was

Y
thankful for what I had done.
PAYSON: So you were given this commendation in recognition for
your honesty and integrity.

OP
WOODY: Yes, ma’am.
BENNY: I object. The man’s achievements have nuttin’ to do wit dis
trial.
PAYSON: Your Honor, I was merely trying to establish the soldier’s
honesty and truthfulness.
JUDGE: Objection sustained. The soldier has already sworn in. We
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can and should assume everything he says is the truth. Now get
on with it.
PAYSON: Captain, after the Fairy Godmother arrived, what did you
do next?
WOODY: The men went in pursuit of the suspect, ma’am. We had
seen the accused running away from the scene of the crime.
NO

PAYSON: And you recognized him?

WOODY: Yes, ma’am. I had been his arresting officer once before.
PAYSON: Would you explain?
WOODY: About a year ago he was arrested and convicted of
vandalism, theft and accosting young girls and stealing their
baskets of goodies. Knowing his reputation, I figured he was up
to no good. Besides, he looked guilty the way he was slinking
DO

away from the scene of the crime.

BENNY: Objection. You can’t convict someone ‘cause they look
guilty.
JUDGE: Sustained. (To audience.) You will ignore that last
statement.
PAYSON: Continue, Captain.

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 HOORAY FOR JUSTICE!

WOODY: We caught up with him at Peep’s Sheep Ranch, where he

was loitering around some little lambs. While Bo and her sister
Mary kept him distracted, we sneaked up behind him and
grabbed him. We read him his rights, cuffed him, and took him
down to the dungeon and booked him.
PAYSON: Thank you, Captain. I have no further questions, Your

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Honor.
JUDGE: Mr. Padlock, do you wish to cross examine the witness?
BENNY: Nah, you can go to da next one.

OP
JUDGE: (Sarcastically.) Why, thank you for your permission, Mr.
Padlock. (To Payson.) Next witness?
PAYSON: I call the Fairy Godmother to the stand.

Wearing a headset and CD player, Wanda flits to the witness stand

on tip-toe, dancing to the rhythm of her music. She is ‘ditsy,’ a real
TC
‘air-head.’ At the stand, she drops the earphones to her neck.

BAILIFF:: Your name, ma’am.

WANDA: (Waving her wand on each beat of her name as the Bailiff
ducks.) Wanda Wendy Godmother, deary-weary.
BAILIFF:: Do you swear to tell - -
NO

WANDA: (Interrupts.) - - oh, yes, yes, yes! I’ll tell everything, sweet-
cakes.

Bailiff rolls his eyes at her and steps back. She puts the earphones
back on and sits humming to the music as she keeps the beat with
the wand.
DO

PAYSON: Wanda? (No reply.) Wanda! (Still distracted.) WANDA!

(She grabs the wand out of her hand and screams.) WAN-DA!
WANDA: (Taking off earphones.) Yes, sweetie?
PAYSON: You were summoned by Captain Woody Soldier of the
King’s Men, is that correct?
WANDA: Oh, yes! He’s one hunk of military might, don’t you think?
(She waves to Woody.) Hi, Honey.
PAYSON: (Ignoring the remark.) When you arrived at the wall, what
did you do?

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 BY RENEE J. CLARK

WANDA: Well, first, I turned on some tunes. I can’t work without my

music, you know. Then I got my WAND, (She grabs it out of
Payson’s hand.) turned up the volume, and checked out the egg.
He was a real mess. He must have been pushed hard to be
scrambled like that.
BENNY: Objection! The witness is speculating.

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JUDGE: Sustained. Just answer the question, ma’am.
WANDA: Okay, okay, okay. It was hot out, and he was starting to
fry. So I set to work.

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PAYSON: What exactly did you do?
WANDA: First I recited my best magic spell, one handed down from
my great-godmother. (She waves the wand in rhythm.)
“Allacazam, Allakazee, Come back together 1-2-3!”
PAYSON: And did that work?
WANDA: No. So I tried one I got from my cousin Glinda, who got it
TC
from some wizard in the Emerald City. (She stands to
demonstrate a cheer, using her wand like a pom-pom.) Gimme
an “H”! (She pauses, waiting for a response she doesn’t get.
When they all just stare at her, she motions that they should
respond. She starts again.) Gimme an “H”!
ALL: H!
NO

WANDA: Gimme an “E”!

ALL: “E!”
WANDA: Gimme an “A”!
ALL: A!
WANDA: Gimme an “L”!
ALL: “L”!
WANDA: What does it spell?
DO

ALL: He! Al!

WANDA: (Stops.) No, no, no, no. HEAL! HEAL! The spell spells
HEAL. It commands him to heal himself with his mind. Now,
what does it spell?
ALL: Heal! Heal!
WANDA: (Giggles.) Now you’ve got it.
PAYSON: Did that work?
WANDA: No, so I brought out my special fairy dust - the good stuff - a
recipe I got from my Aunt Dinkybell, and I began to say the most
magical of all my spells.

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 HOORAY FOR JUSTICE!

PAYSON: And just what were those words?

Wanda dances around the stage sprinkling confetti here and there,
especially on Humpty. She prances about using her wand as she
recites.

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WANDA: Do-do-do-do-wah! Wah! Say, I’m flaky, too, wah! I’m
gonna prove to you, wah! I’m just a diddily do-wah! I change mice
into horses and straw into gold, pumpkins to coaches, the young

OP
into old. Yes, your life is in shambles; you’ve fallen apart I’ll wave
my wand, I’ll start your heart. I change queens into witches and
puppets to boys, toads into princes and sadness to joy.

At the end she keeps prancing around, muttering “do-do-do.” The

Judge signals the Bailiff to get her.
TC
BAILIFF:: Wanda, calm down, now. (He grabs her hand and she
starts to dance with him as she continues to hum. He finally
wrestles her to the chair.)
PAYSON: (Grabbing the wand out of her hand again.) Sit still, will
you! Now after you tried doing your “wah-wah,” did that work?
NO

WANDA: No! I must be losing my touch. Then I saw Doc Little and
Sleezy, I mean, SNEEZY walking along the top of the wall on
their way to the gold mine. They were up high carrying their hoes
and singing. I called to them to help out. If Doc couldn’t help
him, no one could. He took over after that.
PAYSON: One final question, Wanda. Did you notice if the Wolf was
among those at the scene of the fall?
DO

WANDA: He was running past me as I approached with the King’s

Men.
BENNY: I object! She is not answering the question.
JUDGE: Sustained. The question was if you actually SAW the Wolf
at the wall.
WANDA: Let me think - - no - - wait a minute - - yes. No, I mean, no,
well, maybe.

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 BY RENEE J. CLARK

BENNY: (Smiling.) I’m done with the witness. It’s obvious she’s a
diz-brain and nuttin’ she says is reliable! (He starts to sit when
suddenly Wanda jumps off the witness stand and pounces on
him, smashing him with her wand.)
WANDA: Why, you meanie!

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The Judge keeps hammering the gavel, crying “Order! Order!” as the
courtroom explodes into noise. During the following lines, Wanda
chases Benny around the room, swinging her wand. The Bailiff joins

OP
the chase, trying to catch her. He finally grabs her by the waist and
drags her off stage.

HERWALDO: Ladies and gentlemen, the witness has just attacked

the defense with her wand in an outburst of emotion! The judge
is trying to get control in what appears to be an uncontrollable
TC
situation!
JUDGE: (Very angry.) Mr. Padlock! In my chambers! Now! Five
minute recess! (She bangs the gavel and exits up center as the
rest exit left and right.)
HERWALDO: To recap for those of you who may have just tuned in.
I’m Herwaldo Kimera and this is OUTSIDE EDITION. We are
NO

bringing to you, live, the Trial of La-La Land versus Percival S.

Wolf. The Judge has just called a brief recess after an explosive
situation. Mr. Padlock openly insulted the witness after her
testimony. She then attacked him in a rage. We will return after
these brief messages.

Insert one or two COMMERCIALS here.

DO

DIRECTOR’S NOTE:
If commercials are not used and play is performed without
intermission, omit last sentence in Herwaldo’s speech, keep the
actors on stage and proceed with ACT TWO.

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 HOORAY FOR JUSTICE!

Thank you for reading this free excerpt from HOORAY FOR JUSTICE
by Renee Clark. For performance rights and/or a complete copy of
the script, please contact us at:

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TC
NO
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