Children Can Use a

Win-Win Model to Solve Conflicts

You name it - space, possessions,
privileges - kids will fight over just about
anything. There are days when family life
feels like a cauldron of conflicts constant-
ly at a boil.
Parent There is another way. Parents can
Pages teach children the rules of the social
world by following a sequence of easy
steps called social problem solving. With
enough practice, children will learn to use these techniques to
handle conflicts on their own.

It's helpful to remember that the physical fighting of

young children occurs because they have no better tools for
expressing their desires and feelings. Keep in mind that
those desires and feelings are legitimate. To authentically Parent: "What's the problem?"
resolve a conflict, desires and feelings must be respected and
Sue: "I want the cards back, they're mine!"
addressed to each child's satisfaction.
Annie: "I want them!"
Imagine it's Monday, 8:30 a.m., and nine year old Sue is
rushing out the door. As she grabs her school bag, Sue Step #2 - Ask each child follow up questions to help
notices that her three year old sister, Annie, is holding a pack each explain their point of view more specifically.
of her cards that she'd left on the living room floor.
Parent: "What do you think will happen if Annie
Sue: "Give me those cards, they're mine!" has the cards?"
Annie: "Mine!" Sue: "She'll wreck them."
Back and forth they go, getting ever more entrenched in Parent: "Annie, why do you want the cards?"
this face off, each one's anger rising.
Annie: "I want to count them."
What can a parent do?
Parent: "Are you going to wreck your big sister's
Step #1 - Say, "There's a problem here," and ask each cards?"
child what the problem is, giving each a turn to talk and
requiring the other to listen. (Sometimes a cool down period Annie: "No, I'm gonna count them."
is necessary between the intervention and children being able
to talk to and listen to each other.)

~Continued ~

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 Step #3 - Restate what the problem is, naming what If the younger child can't come up with options on her
each child wants, using the details the above discussion has own, the parent might offer a different deck of cards and say:
brought out. "If you show me that you can count them carefully, I'll tell
Sue and maybe she'll let you count her cards another time."
Parent to Annie: "Sue wants her cards back. She's afraid
you'll wreck them." The parent may also say to Sue: "You left those cards on
the floor in your sister's reach. They don't belong there.
Parent to Sue: "Annie wants to count the cards and she Please put them away now."
says she won't wreck them."
In this case once again, each child gets her needs met and
Step #4 - Ask children for their ideas of how they at the same time is reminded she must be responsible for her
each can get what they want. When a young child is involved actions. The parent is trying to teach children to listen to each
you may need to suggest a solution. other and to recognize that they have the resources to get
their needs met in a socially acceptable way.
Parent to Sue: "Would it be OK if Annie counted the
cards? Then what should she do with That's a far cry from the fuming (and feuding) that goes
them?" Sue: "Put them on top of the on when parents impose Band-Aid solutions like "Tell your
piano." sister you're sorry," or "Kiss and make up." These throw a
blanket on real feelings, forcing them underground only to
Parent to Annie: "Sue says you can count the cards, but surface another day. Solutions are authentic and satisfying
afterward you must put them up on the only when they come from the perspective of the children
piano." themselves.
Annie: "OK." Children get models for solving problems in constructive
ways by watching how the adults around them solve their
Parent to Sue: "I'll make sure she doesn't wreck the cards own conflicts. Unfortunately, television, the most pervasive
and puts them where you asked." source of information and entertainment in American
households, is a poor source of behavior models. Most tele-
Parent to Annie: "I'm sure you'll handle the cards carefully. I vision programs teach children that aggression is an appro-
know you can be gentle." priate response to angry feelings. You can counter balance
this by reading children's books that tell stories of coopera-
Step #5 - A parent must be there to follow through by tion and generosity.
overseeing that the agreement is kept by the younger child.
Good books can also help young children learn how to
In this scenario children get to state what they want and solve everyday problems. Parents may want to read one of
a resolution is built from a clear understanding of one anoth- the following books to their preschool children:
er's point of view. Nobody's desires or feelings get denied
here. On Mother's Lap by Ann H. Scott,
The Quarreling Book by Charlotte Zolotow
What if Sue didn't relent because of a recent experience Regards to the Man in the Moon by Ezra Jack Keats.
when Annie was careless with her property? Back in Step #4
the parent could say to Annie: "Sue remembers the last time Source: Judith Ross Bernstein, Department of Human Development, New York
you ripped up her cards and she doesn't want you to have State College of Human Ecology, Cornell University. Parent Pages was devel-
these cards right now. She has to leave, so what else can we oped by Cornell Cooperative Extension of Suffolk County.
do? You want to count cards, but they can't be Sue's cards.
What else can we do?" HD 59